The Comics Curmudgeon

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Metapost: JOSH VS. SPIDERMAN!

You may have noticed for the past few days that I’ve been posting comics very early in the morning, only a few hours after they go live on the Houston Chronicle site. It was almost as if I were somewhere in the Pacific Time Zone, where these comics were available at 10 p.m. It was almost as if I were in San Diego, spending time — oh, I don’t know, maybe making fun of a Spider-Man movie with Mystery Science Theater 3000 alums Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy!

If you’re not familiar with RiffTrax, you’d better get familiar with it, right now! RiffTrax is a project in the spirit of MST3K. It makes a clever end run around the issues of film licensing: you download the hilarious commentary on MP3, and then rent the DVD and watch them together. And on September 5, for a mere $2.99, you’ll be able to listen to one with me!

It will probably not shock you to learn that I’m a huge Mystery Science Theater fan, and that the show really influenced my writing. In terms of living out childhood dreams, probably the only thing that could have topped this would be getting to serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock. It was an honor, and it was a blast! Movie Spidey gets into a slightly greater number of tussles with supervillains than newspaper comic strip Spidey, but if anything he whines and mopes even more. I’ll let you all know when the MP3 is up!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 10:46 pm and is filed under Spider-Man, metaposts. |

242 responses to “Metapost: JOSH VS. SPIDERMAN!”

Lauren
August 27th, 2008 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

That’s really awesome! I look forward to getting the mp3.
Lauren
August 27th, 2008 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

Oh, and btw, yay first post!
Poteet
August 27th, 2008 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

MST! MST! *bows several times, fervently* Josh, you have just been elevated from Pope to Demigod!
Oddball Cargo
August 27th, 2008 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

When I asked you to make the terror of RMMD Panel 2 stop, I didn’t mean with terrifying visage of your head blown up to monstrous proportions and pasted onto Doc Oc’s body… with John McCain in Spiderman’s suit rescuing Yassir Arafat.

Josh? Why?
Uncle Lumpy
August 27th, 2008 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

Awesome lip-curl, BTW!
Professor Fate
August 27th, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

what a great thing to do. MST3K other than the prisoner is my favorite tv like EVER. The one thing that did scare me a little was that the first 10 or so times I saw the show. I had already seen the movie they were mocking. And don’t get me started on Manos.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
August 27th, 2008 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

That’s awesome. Congrats Josh!

(I purchased two episodes of MST3K last week for $1.99 each at my local used bookstore. My roommate looked at me kind of funny.)
yellojkt
August 27th, 2008 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

I say we have a riff party where we sit around and make fun of the commentary.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
August 27th, 2008 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

Yellojkt: #8 – but only if you record it, so those of us who can’t be there can riff on the riff-riffing.

You say too meta, I say tomato, let’s call the whole thing off. But congrats, Josh. I hope Kevin didn’t sing too much Zappa at you.

Anyway, re yesterpost’s Beetle Bailey…I consulted the nearest perv (who isn’t me, I swear it!), who pointed out that, uh, remove that chair from behind Miss Buxley, and remove her dress as well, and interpret her ZZZs as NNNs, and imagine Whatzername the envious unbeboobed woman pegging away at Miss B, and…uh, what was my point? Only that I suspect that desk would have some pretty deep fingernail marks.
Sparrow
August 27th, 2008 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

Congratulations! MST3K was the finest television show ever made by human hands.

But did you get to meet Mike?
LouieLouie
August 27th, 2008 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

I don’t think its possible for the movie Spiderman to mope more than the newspaper one. I don’t know if its possible for ANYONE to. I think its one of the superpowers he may have picked up with the spider bite.
TheChemist
August 27th, 2008 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

Awesome. Very awesome, Josh.

Everyone: if you’ve never heard the Rifftrax of Battlefield Earth, you are really missing out. You might get funny looks from the video store guy when you rent it, but it’s worth it.
Ces
August 27th, 2008 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

That’s incredible, Josh!!! You just lived out one of my very own dreams! You, sir, truly rock.
Dave
August 27th, 2008 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

Those RiffTrax will sound even better if you talk into the mic, Josh !!

Our wedding guest book includes signatures from “Tom Servo” and “Crow.”
mumbles
August 27th, 2008 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

Really, really cool, Josh! The next time, say hi to Torgo from Manos, The Hands of Fate for us! (And tell him there’s a gal up in Canada who needs a real man in her life).
James Schend
August 27th, 2008 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

But… but… but… Spider-Man 2 is the best of the series, by far! Why couldn’t you do Spider-Man 3, which sucked on toast?
Galuaboy
August 27th, 2008 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

Josh, that is SO totally cool!! Congrats! I have only four words of advice: “Watch out for snakes!”
menocu
August 27th, 2008 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

That’s incredible! But seriously, where’s Mike? I thought he was on all of these…
TheDiva
August 27th, 2008 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

Wow, that is like, snark heaven. Congrats on working with two of the funniest men alive–I look forward to hearing the results!
Muffaroo M. Muffaroo
August 27th, 2008 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

Congratulations, Josh! I’m sure you’ll improve the product.
Mac
August 27th, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

That is indeed awesome.

Yellojkt, you should do an IRiff.
Celebrity Haiku
August 27th, 2008 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

That photo is great, Josh. You are a very lucky man. Like many of your readers, MST3K was a personal favorite, too…

http://celebrityhaiku.wordpress.com/2008/06/05/is-she-pregnant/

Anybody else out there remember all the “Jim Henson (Fill in the Blank) Babies” jokes?
Carly
August 27th, 2008 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

Ooh, this looks exciting.

And I have no need to rent because-

Oops. *hides DVD behind back*
Chris
August 28th, 2008 at 12:03 am [Reply]

Jealous.
Erika
August 28th, 2008 at 12:04 am [Reply]

I’ve heard that Spiderman 2 was the most faithful to the spirit of the comic — I’ve only seen the movie, never read the comic — but I’m not really sure why that’s a good thing.
BenG
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

FOOB: Lynn thinks that an old man continuing to barely cling to life after suffering multiple heart attacks and strokes is a nice way to end a story? That woman is a fucking sadist.
Maggi
August 28th, 2008 at 12:21 am [Reply]

Josh, congrats, that’s so cool! I actually bought a Rifftrax for the first time last week… the track for Transformers. Ha! It was great! I was so happy to hear the guys again, and they’re truly in top form. I can’t wait to get Spiderman!
KingArtie
August 28th, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

This is great news. I can’t wait hear how Josh interacts with Kevin and Bill.

If anyone out there hasn’t bought a Rifftrax before this would be a great starting point.

Just be careful though as Bill Corbett once said “Rifftrax is like drugs”
Someone from Texas....
August 28th, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

26 BenG.

Yup. And she still can’t be arsed to drop by the hospital herself.

(Is it affected for a Texan to say “can’t be arsed”? Especially when it comes out as “cain’t be arsed?” But it IS such an eloquent phrase!)
shnazzer
August 28th, 2008 at 12:26 am [Reply]

most excellent! can’t wait. i concur with 16 though.. it woulda been awesomer if it was Spider-suck 3 which has to be the wooooorst movie made ever.
left of the pyle
August 28th, 2008 at 12:38 am [Reply]

A3G: Where is Eric? He should be doing me!!!
left of the pyle
August 28th, 2008 at 12:43 am [Reply]

RMMD: Indecent proposal.
Cheeky Wee Monkeys
August 28th, 2008 at 12:45 am [Reply]

Excellent!

Spider-Man 2 was great, but really only when Ock was pitching people around. The romance parts bored me. But even good movies can be mocked!
Tragic Magic
August 28th, 2008 at 12:48 am [Reply]

How citing! I can’t wait to hear it.
Mike Podgorski
August 28th, 2008 at 12:50 am [Reply]

You’re certainly living the life, Mister Fruhlinger.
MsBerry
August 28th, 2008 at 12:54 am [Reply]

That’s awesome Josh!

And I too just bought my first rifftrax, for Transformers as well! I personally find the riffs more amusing when they are for a film I actually liked. (I LOVED Transformers – It combined two of my favorite things in the world: large robots and outrageous amounts of collateral damage.)

Can’t wait to watch the Spiderman 2 one, since that’s one of my favorite movies as well.
Batman Beatles
August 28th, 2008 at 1:08 am [Reply]

Well that’s just awesome, Josh. I love MST3K. I might also add, I’m a little jealous too.

Foob: Elly – “What? Dad is still alive! Might as well start eating! *slurp* *chomp* *gorge*

Luanne: Now this is just sad. Brad hiding his tat from his parents as if he’s still in high school.

9CL – Eek! Edda looks like The Joker!
Yipes Stripes
August 28th, 2008 at 1:13 am [Reply]

The Master would not approve.
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

Foob — I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it sure looks to me as if Liz and Iris had their frank little chat about Gwampa’s sorry state of health right over his head, BEFORE checking to see if he was asleep. Classy!

And while I’ve somewhat recovered from reading that entire Blanthony bio, I still haven’t recovered from “sweetly intense and very private passion.” I may be scarred for life.

And speaking of being scarred for life, the Elly Birthday graphic has been replaced by a new graphic on the home page of the Foobsite. You have been warned.
mollificent
August 28th, 2008 at 1:23 am [Reply]

*emits a bloodcurdling shriek*

That is so freaking cool, Josh! I adore MST3K and just recently discovered RiffTrax…in fact, oddly enough, I’ve watched TWO of them this week (Fellowship of the Ring Sunday night and HP/Chamber of Secrets Monday night…I was on a bender!) I most certainly will have to get Spiderman 2 now so I can listen to your fabulous snarkage.

Yay yay yay!

(ponders whether it’s too late to watch LOTR again…probably, early meeting. Sigh.)
Dr. Weird
August 28th, 2008 at 1:33 am [Reply]

MST fans, also check out the Film Crew DVDs, in which Mike and the voices of Crow and Tom Servo do commentary tracks for bad movies that don’t have them… ones old enough to be in the public domain and bad enough to be on MST3K, like “Killers from Space.”

And congrats Josh! I’ll definitely pick up your track!
Batman Beatles
August 28th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

The Anthony bio made me think of the MST film “I Accuse My Parents”.
Vakar
August 28th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

Too cool! But at what cost? Why did you have to pull a hit on Mike Nelson to make your dream come true? Why? WHY? I’m going to tell George Takei to watch his back…
Vakar
August 28th, 2008 at 1:44 am [Reply]

39: I see the graphic you’re talking about (Bleagh) but I can’t get past a blinking banner at the top that says: “Over 75% of you have FAILED the dumb test.” That must be addressed directly to the contributors to Coffee Talk.
Mars
August 28th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

*ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM TODAY’S SPIDER-MAN*

“So my photos were okay?”
“Sure, why shouldn’t they be?”
“No reason.”
*under his breath, with a sickening smirk* “Except that my WIFE took them.”

I shouldn’t get so worked up over a stupid comic strip, especially this one, but….

….crud. I denied it when Peter was angrier earlier about MJ earning money, and even earlier than that when “Striperella” came out, but….This proves it, Stan Lee’s a chauvenist.
bats :[
August 28th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

If I might be so bold: what the hell is Lynn’s “achievement”? Keeping newspapers from dropping her strip with her oh-so-innovative “reimagination” of her pap? She’s had more attempted retirements than Cher, and Cher is a helluva lot more entertaining.
JamesK
August 28th, 2008 at 2:18 am [Reply]

Oh.
My.
God.

My fanworlds are colliding into conglomerated masses of awesome.
True Fable
August 28th, 2008 at 2:21 am [Reply]

In all my bullet-taking glory

The Autobiography of Miss Anthony Caine was so full of melodrama and pathos, I could barely wade myself through it BUT I DID, I did it for the Team! I took a bullet for my beloved fellow Mudgeons!

Somebody shoot me again, the first time didn’t kill me.

Bitter fighting parents, Exciting math problems, Deserting mothers, Cold misunderstanding fathers, Inspection, Dejection and Ejection about Liz Patterson, Jealousy about half-sibling, Spineless behavior about everything in his life, Wimptitude regarding Therese Arsenault (no kidding, that’s her name?!?!) Wormy behavior that goes On and On and ON and ON AND ON, will it ever stop?!?!

*gasp, pant, groan* where was I? Oh yes. Surprising sympathy shown for Therese and complete dickery for Anthony. Bitchy flighty why-in-the-world-did-he-want-her-anyway Liz, saintly Dr. Patterson, mind-numbing victimhood of Angstony, The Going-After, He has no HOOOOOOooome, Dramatic breakup with Therese, Dramatic Hook-up with Liz.

Patty-cake, patty-cake, that’s the end of the whole ugly mess, wrapped up tighter than a fat broad in Spandex, yes I mean Elly.

And at the precious end of it is a graphic from a Sunday panel, of the Happy Couple taking the Child with the Squiggly C in her name for a walk in the park. Oh how too too PRECIOUS.

*rapidly barfs into the specially built, specially decorated waste can with the Patterson family picture securely taped on the bottom of the can*

Save yourselves the trouble, folks: and I apologize for taking so long my dear sweet Queen Poteet, I had hoped to spare you the Agony of the Angstony but well, I’m not getting around as quickly as I’d like. All this Glurge and Treacle has me slowed to a crawl.

- Truman
Mibbitmaker
August 28th, 2008 at 2:26 am [Reply]

Talk about a meeting of the Best Brains! This is definately like FDR, Churchill and Sta– well, like FDR and Curchill, anyway! Like Bill Clinton meeting JFK! (okay, too much Democratic Convention this week!) Meant to be!

I, like everybody else here, am a MST3K fan, but it’s like the equivilent of me hosting SNL. Which could never happen, so you’re one up on me, Josh (although I did have the extreme privilege of seeing one of the Crow T. Robots from the movie at a Myrtle Beach Planet Hollywood on vaca in 1999!).

Wow, Josh! First Jeopardy, now the MST3K guys. You’re hav –
I’ll say it like Jimmy James from NewsRadio:

Josh, you’re having one HELLuva year![/Jimmy James]

ps – Why is that guy carrying Chris Elliott up the side of a building?
Mibbitmaker
August 28th, 2008 at 2:39 am [Reply]

8/28 FOOB: Yeah, alot you care, Elly the Entertainer (with her comedy team partner brother)!
And for God’s sake, Lynn — it’s bad enough you’re going to ruin your earlier, better strips — don’t ruin meta, too!
Mibbitmaker
August 28th, 2008 at 2:42 am [Reply]

…. And, yikes, that Blanthony sure looks plastic-fake! Is that his face or is he wearing a mask?
Anonymous
August 28th, 2008 at 2:45 am [Reply]

Congrats Josh, more Curmudgeon freakin’ flyer miles! Makes me want to go out and get one of them fangled MP3 whatsamajigs. Do I have to go to the MRSA store for that?
True Fable
August 28th, 2008 at 2:51 am [Reply]

A3G That RIGHT, by golly! WHAT could be more important than Margo, the She-Ra of New York City? Get ‘em, baby! Gnash his bones!
BF This strip is now to be know as The Second Coming of FOOB.
Cathy Must Die! Frankly I’m surprised Cathy and Irving left enough food on their plates to do so much grinding.
C’haft The greatest pleasure of the day so far: seeing Cranky startled like everyone else, and remaining so for the third panel. yesssss!
(WT)DT As Dick callously says the Baskerville Hound Dog show is over, plans are made to induct him into the Dickishly Cold-Blooded Cop Hall of Fame in L.A.
FC Next stop: Guantanamo Bay! Fun for the whole family!
FBoFW Is THIS what they meant by Lynn’s attempt to go meta? No no no… this is merely another show of Iris playing interpreter, Lovely Lips Liz pretending to care, Angstony being ineffectual and omg Elly being not only exaggerating, but still too cold to go visit her own ailing father. “Everything’s fine, Dad’s fine, he’s not ailing, he’s not dying, we’re right to be here, there’s food here waiting to be snarfed and munched and glopped, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia.” I hope in the next life of this strip, April stabs her mother with a spork at the reception and stops by to say hi to Gramps before she runs away to join buskers in Quebec.
(WTF)GT Listen to the man, Elmer. Young Merv Griffin knows a thing or two about playing to a crowd.
Scenes from Suburban Hell Here’s one for YOUR license plate, Dot: BITCH.
JP I hope to hell she’s being sarcastic.
Luann Ah, Brad. You’re about to get your balls handed to you by your tightass parents. Luckily, they are a nice shade of blue.
MT Mark! Thank God you’re here! We need you to punch these rocks into submission!
MW Okay, she looks like hell in the first panel but you have to admit, Toby’s ass is SMOKIN’ in that second panel! Yow!
MC “Go hunt yourself”? Que? Ed, are you foobing around with us? ;-)
OBH I love Ruthie today.
PMP Take pity on the poor guy, honey. It can’t be easy walking around with one eyeball hanging out.
Phantom So the Ghost-Who-Pretends met a real Ghost-Who-Don’t-Fake-It. Cue the spooky music!
RMMD Rex Morgan, Regatta Whore.
Zits I actually smiled at today’s strip. There’s always a first time!
MaggieMarvel
August 28th, 2008 at 3:05 am [Reply]

Envy! But I’ll be getting the MP3 and movie. XD Awesome!
Andy Panderer
August 28th, 2008 at 3:29 am [Reply]

Josh, luv ya, but I don’t want to get into the pissing contest between “RiffTrax” and “Cinematic Titanic.”

Unless it becomes a PPV UF Cage Match. That would be awesome.
Bookworm
August 28th, 2008 at 3:35 am [Reply]

Jeopardy, quotes in major news media, now RiffTrax. Who knew way back in ‘04 that it would come to this? *Sniff* Our little Pope is all grown up!
Faintpraise
August 28th, 2008 at 3:46 am [Reply]

Well, I suppose this is as good a time as any to step out of lurkdom and make my first comment. Hello!
I came to this blog after it was linked a few months ago on the Rifftrax blog, and I’ve read through the archives and come back here several times daily now, although you’re all so damnably witty that I can never think of much to say!
I am a UK-based MST3K and Rifftrax fan, a pretty small group, and I suspect the numbers of UK ‘mudge fans are even smaller- we don’t even have Mary Worth over here, you know! Naturally when I found out Josh was doing a trax my joy was unconfined. Hope this is the first of many, there are certainly enough comics-based movies that need it.
Sheila Sternwell
August 28th, 2008 at 3:48 am [Reply]

Ha! There it is! I was bouncing-in-my-seat excited when I saw you on the “cover” of the new Rifftrax.

Love the emo pout.
Andy Panderer
August 28th, 2008 at 3:53 am [Reply]

9CL – Guess who ran out of “noogie” jokes and saw a matinee of “The Dark Knight?”
Eric, the baker
August 28th, 2008 at 4:49 am [Reply]

@57 faintpraise – as was said to me upon my delurking a few months back, Welcome!

You might find the Houston Chronicle site quite useful. You can set up a personalized comics page for your reading and snarking pleasure.
http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComics.mpl

Look on the right and “build you own comics page”
Jack Parsons
August 28th, 2008 at 4:56 am [Reply]

A movie special effects friend worked on Spiderman 2 after several other movies. “It’s the first movie I’ve worked on that doesn’t suck!” After Matrix 2/3 and Hollow Man, I can see it.
Lolsworth
August 28th, 2008 at 5:31 am [Reply]

Holy fucking shit, you are cooler than anyone on the planet.
Bookworm
August 28th, 2008 at 6:20 am [Reply]

Ooh, do you think EnormouShop.com will sell Sean Finnery’s Being from Scotland?
gleeb
August 28th, 2008 at 6:27 am [Reply]

Bill Corbett? Kevin Murphy? Sweet.

A3G: She needs air, so she steps out onto the sidewalk in Manhattan? That’s not the New York I remember.

Between Friends: A tall, vertical box of canapes?

‘bean: Mrs. Mopey Siegel is a sasquatch who shaves the parts likely to show.
John C Fremont
August 28th, 2008 at 6:33 am [Reply]

I am in awe, Josh! (in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice) Lucky!

Phantom – So Andre is Sam Jackson and Kit is Vinnie Barbarino?

Seriously. RiffTrax. How incredibly cool is that?
Captain Thunder
August 28th, 2008 at 6:51 am [Reply]

Any Josh vs. SPIDERMAN! match would have to be pay-per-view, of course. Although we might find it difficult to get anyone to pay to watch it, since it would pretty much consist of a passive-aggressive chauvinistic whiner sitting in one corner watching television and bitching about how his wife supports him now, and a snarky shut-in posting on his blog while cracking jokes about Mary Worth and identity theft. Any potential drama would immediately be sucked out of the arena by the two color commentators, Herb and Jamaal.

“Hey Herb, did you hear how that superhero based upon an animal or insect is going to fight that gentleman who writes on the worldwide computer networks?”

“Thanks for telling me about it, Jamaal. Is it on the broadcast television network, or on the network for which I am required to pay a monthly fee?”
Mibbitmaker
August 28th, 2008 at 7:18 am [Reply]

FC: Okay, put away all your Gitmo jokes (oop, too late) — I’m not so sure these are from 1980, but from 1981. That’s clearly a Reagan joke being reworked. And I guess we all know how painful that can be, right, Lynn J.?

FW: And so was created… the on-the-go, breakfastless, fast-paced, 21st Century, multi-tasking, neo-retro, hi-octane, post-ironic, other chic modern terminology for that sort of thing MORNING RITUAL — 60-to-70 years too soon. Next: While Hitler and the Axis form their threat to the world, Mopey Jerome invents the iPod!

A3G: It’s stuff like this that explains why they never let Margo entertain the troops abroad. I’m glad they went with Abbey Spencer instead.

S4th: Shorter answer: Teenager.

Cranky: Maybe they shouldn’t have gone with the Lewis Black model.

FB: …in a soundless medium. Way to go, champ.

RwO: What, no Pumpernickel Terrace?
Motorposus
August 28th, 2008 at 7:26 am [Reply]

LouieLouie #11: I thought spiders were supposed to be noiseless and patient. Maybe it didn’t bite him hard enough.

I’m indebted to MST for the immortal line, “Gammera is really neat, he is filled with turtle meat.” Congrats, Josh!
KA
August 28th, 2008 at 7:41 am [Reply]

#39 Poteet–you weren’t kidding. The graphic looks an awful lot like the camera angle used to indicate someone just awoke from a horrible fainting spell (or some other sudden affliction that would make the victim collapse to the ground).

Appropriate, since we’ve just hit the brick wall of text that is WAAAAAAAHnthony’s bio…
Mibbitmaker
August 28th, 2008 at 7:53 am [Reply]

FW (another): This is what happens when you mix up a 1930s comic book creator with a 2000s/2010s geek in a comic strip.

FW (yet again): Pete, I think the message from this little docudrama is create your own freakin’ characters!

9CL: Worst. Strangers in Paradise. Rip-off. Ever.

Archie: Look who’s talking, Juggy!

H&J: Et tu, ancient Jewish texts?!

JP: She’s sure getting cocky. Omigod, she’s been reading the Talmud, hasn’t she?!

MW: AND THEY LET INCOMPETENT TWITS LIKE THAT HOLD INTERVENTIONS??? While the proper authorities check out this fraud situation, they should also reopen the Aldo Kelrast case!

Pluggers: Next, she curses out how bad her favorite comic strip has gotten.
The caption: “Plugger Comics Curmudgeon.”

RMMD: Rex in thought: “I thought the old bat would never take the goddam’ hint!”
The Divine O’F
August 28th, 2008 at 7:57 am [Reply]

Josh, I am truly in awe. Mazel tov!
dimestore lipstick
August 28th, 2008 at 7:58 am [Reply]

My worlds are colliding at an alarming pace, since The guest riffer on Spidetman 3 was the legendary (among bloggers, anyway ) James Lileks .

Jeopardy, Rifftrax–Seriously, Josh, are you trying to make me fall in love with you?
Ryl
August 28th, 2008 at 7:59 am [Reply]

I just died of fangirl shock.

I am going to have to watch a Spiderman movie now. The impossible has come to pass!
Tweeks_Coffee
August 28th, 2008 at 8:06 am [Reply]

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod…

Seriously, I have no words for how awesome this is. I mean, this is some kind of massive orgy of my fandoms smashing together into one. I am so jealous/in awe of you right now and…well…I’d let you have me if you wanted.
One-eyed Wolfdog
August 28th, 2008 at 8:16 am [Reply]

Congratulations, you lucky… BOXCAR!
One-eyed Wolfdog
August 28th, 2008 at 8:17 am [Reply]

Meanwhile, PJ’s tinkering with getting waterboarded.
One-eyed Wolfdog
August 28th, 2008 at 8:20 am [Reply]

An coincidentally with MG&G dredging up the old “butterface” joke recently, GA is giving me a “butterize” moment every morning now.
Jess A.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:23 am [Reply]

Wow. How did you not explode being in such a confined space with so much comedic greatness?

Looking forward to this one!
150
August 28th, 2008 at 8:51 am [Reply]

NO. WAY.
Tweeks_Coffee
August 28th, 2008 at 8:51 am [Reply]

In case it wasn’t obvious from my earlier blubbering, I am a MASSIVE fan of all things MST3K. I own the first ten volumes of the show, several of the individual movie DVDs and have seen about a dozen of the Rifftraxs (Over The Top is stellar). So yeah, I’m in full fanboy mode now.

Regardless, onto the comics…

Agnes: Whazzit? Grays? Knees? Am I missing something here? God knows how she got it out anyway, that cabinet looks to be a good deal over her head.
BaBl: I find it a little odd how Hammie sends her over to the tire swing then proceeds to play on the merry-go-round instead. “Go play over there, I’ll come get you when I’m done.”
‘Shaft: Dear God, I laughed at Crankshaft today.
DT: So…what? Just everybody in town has the number for Dick’s wristwatch? Does he take out an ad in the Yellow Pages?
FC: Good thing Billy has that pamphlet or else I would have no idea where this tour of a house that’s white is located. Nor do they indicate what President they’re referring to. Is it a president of the local Kiwanis’ club? (Yes, I know it’s already been pounded into the ground, but this is so ludicrous that I can’t let it pass.)
FW: Hey, this is pretty accurate! You know, except for the fact that Superman was originally written to be a villain, but that’s just semantics.
GA: Really? All over the internet? I seriously doubt many of the hillbillies that Rover mentioned this device to are online blogging about it.
GT: Thus began Elmer’s descent into the male prostitution industry.
MC: Awesome.
Phantom: Superman? Green Lantern?
PC: Except that both parties are promising tax cuts, but lets ignore that little facet of information.
tAS: The main joke got a solid “meh” out of me, but I did laugh at the bee porn.
Gojira
August 28th, 2008 at 9:01 am [Reply]

BB: Considering where that cactus tip is aimed, another one for Beetle Bailey Sexual Frustration collection?

(Thanks for posting the link yesterthread, Tom)
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
August 28th, 2008 at 9:04 am [Reply]

9CL: Oh, I’d noogie that all night long. Problem is, noogies are best delivered in a headlock position, and my arm would keep slipping off that lack of chin.

A3G: Oh, not much. Getting captured by Chinese troops, getting tortured in prison, dying. Y’know, nothing he wouldn’t drop in a minute to be with you forever. On second thought…

(WT)DT: “The dogs are safe”? THE DOGS ARE SAFE?!? So the whole point of this operation was to save the dogs? 150-pound carnivores that are trained to tear the jugular out of anyone not continuously blowing a whistle? Bang-up job, Dick. You do realize they’re all going to be euthanized, right?

MT: Moss, WHAT is going on? Why are YOU trying to move rocks at least 10 yards from the CAVE opening? Why NOT dig closer to WHERE Cherry and Kelly are?

Big Dog: What Spider-Brick says: Ha ha ha! The big dog is barking!
What he really means: Please kill me now.

MW: Oh, of course. It couldn’t have been that she just sent her entire credit report to some guy in Nigeria. It must be the bank’s error. Banks and their computers make errors like that all the time. Does she bank at Bailey Savings and Loan and think that Uncle Billy lost her deposit?

Marvin: What Spider-Brick says: Ha ha ha! That food sounds gross!
What he really means: I hope Armstrong puts this strip on a stick and Ramsit.

Pluggers: Pluggers read Shoe! No wonder they’re so fucked up.

RMCB: You’ve heard of “lazy eye”? Rex has “overachieving eye.”
Niall
August 28th, 2008 at 9:06 am [Reply]

Woohoo Josh! Fantastic!

I haven’t had a chance to read stuff in the last day, so apologies if someone else also said it, but here;s a fun link:

http://bakertoons.blogspot.com/2007/12/sunday-comic-books.html

Someone bought a bunch of “Sunday comics books”, papers in the early 80s putting all comics in a “book” format instead of in normal pages, and gives images of all pages of one particular issue. Much fun!
Scanman
August 28th, 2008 at 9:08 am [Reply]

Re:22

My favorite:

“Look It’s Jim Henson’s Baretta Babies” from Teenagers(snicker) From Outer Space
LUJBEM FEJF
August 28th, 2008 at 9:16 am [Reply]

Ah ha! I’m more perceptive then I thought. When I’ve described this site to people I’ve told them it was Mystery Science Theater 3000 for comics. I guess I need to believe my spider senses when they are tingling.
Angry Kem
August 28th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

Hurrah for MST3K-related shenanigans!…and congratulations!

MW: “I hardly even use my credit card! Except for the occasional purchase…I mean, Mary uses hers all the time to break into houses and randomly meddle, and dear sweet Ian uses his to kill at fifty paces, plus sometimes to neuter giraffes. I just use mine to buy things! How could anything possibly have gone wrong?”

FBOFW: Has LJ ever known anyone who has had a heart attack? “He’s not very well, dear. He’s very frail” doesn’t translate into “He’ll be home in a few days” but into “His health is extremely uncertain; it could go either way. It’s too soon to tell.” It also astounds me that Grandpa Jim doesn’t seem to be hooked up to any monitoring equipment at all. He’s just had a heart attack, for crying out loud. I’ve known people who have suffered from chest pains with no following attack who have ended up hooked up to machines for days.

I’m also not sure how Elly gets “My dad is going to be okay” from Anthony’s “We’d like to stay a bit longer at the hospital.”

Re. the new graphic on the Foob site and its accompanying text: “Congratulations Lynn on your achievement. Look Lynn no commas! We don’t need commas Lynn! You don’t pay us enough for commas you know! We make barely enough for periods but where the commas go we’ll just leave spaces okay? Give us a raise you successful accomplished independent woman!”
Bootsy
August 28th, 2008 at 9:18 am [Reply]

Josh, you have all your fans throwing themselves at you now! (Folks, that’s why he makes us send him pictures.) Like Ryl, I may have to watch a movie made in the last 13 years (LTR the exception, and then only 2 and 3). Wait, then I’d have to get an MP3 thing too. And a dvd player.

I’m going to read Anthony Caine’s biography. Bad as it looks, it may at least stop me from following Gustav compulsively.
D.A. Pennington
August 28th, 2008 at 9:20 am [Reply]

FOOB: No Elly, a great way to end the day is for Blanthony to settle down with Liz in the Bope Hope Honeymoon suite and get some of that golden vag.

THAT is a great way to end the day.
Andy Panderer
August 28th, 2008 at 9:21 am [Reply]

MF For starters lady, we’ll have to slaughter all your cats.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 9:28 am [Reply]

Take a look (or not) at the FOOBSite’s page one. Pat on the back, anyone?
isrw
August 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am [Reply]

Judge Parker’s priorities:

We had perhaps a month of golf advice, solemnly delivered, while building up to the big negotiations on the course.

We saw two or three days of the actual negotiations, all of which seemingly happened off-camera. (The strips themselves alluded to a deal amount, and to the contract. Did we ever see the signing?)

In a single day, or two, a MURDER happened. Again, off camera. Our hero had left a club behind, so he didn’t witness it.

AAAAAAND now, in the thirlling denouement of our plotline, we’ve endured roughly a week and a half of lovingly-rendered curly hair from our dazzlingly chic investigating babe.

This is as disproportionate as Toby’s freaky shins in Mark Worth the other day. We’ve spent more time on Hot Investigator Woman’s sunglasses than on the MURDER.
llamaface
August 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am [Reply]

YAY! That is so cool. I love Rifftrax…I love MST3K more, though. I’ll be sure to pick up the track.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am [Reply]

#86 – Ha Kem – didn’t see your FOOB rant before I posted. Nicely done.

Congratulations (no commas) Lynn on putting Gramps in cartoon purgatory! I’m sure he’s really enjoying himself.

#76 – PJ, it’s Gitmo time! We’ll have that little orange suit ready for you in just a moment.
Mr. Jones
August 28th, 2008 at 9:40 am [Reply]

What is with this “Congratulations Lynne!!” splash-page on her website? Isn’t this something directly under her control? The shameless self-promotion here is completely off the charts.
Islamorada Girl
August 28th, 2008 at 9:43 am [Reply]

Josh and MST3K together! I’m plotzing from happiness. Sometimes, the good guys do win. Our Pope deserves every wonderful thing that happens for him. Congratulations!
Mr. Jones
August 28th, 2008 at 9:46 am [Reply]

Lynn’s front-page on her website inspired me. I just sent an e-mail to myself telling me how incredibly talented and special I am. I used lots of exclamation points, but no commas.
The Divine O’F
August 28th, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

First, to Bootsy, Trotz, and others in the NOLA area: I’m saying Buddhist prayers to deflect Gustav.

Second, to the artists who draw JP: Saguaros do not grow arms until they are around eighty years old and already very tall. The saguaro in the foreground of the golf course scene, which is sheltering several other saguaros, must be at least 1,000 feet high to have the other mature saguaros so far beneath its limbs. Plus, saguaros don’t grow in clusters, though I suppose they could have been moved by a developer. Saguaro inaccuracies just drive me crazy.
Tracer Bullet
August 28th, 2008 at 9:58 am [Reply]

RMMD: A few hours surrounded by hot, sweaty seamen, followed by a night of wrasslin’ with all the well-oiled and hairless14-year-old boys you can handle? Yes, Rex. This is heaven.
viscosity
August 28th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

re 88, I’m pretty sure that Spankthony and Liz got it on Christmas last year … Dec 26/27 seems pretty clear to me that shewants nothing more than to put the curiously over-presented child to bed and make sweet sweet love in front of The Spank’s self-installed gas fire. Having said that he’s got no love since then so I suspect he must not be fire between the sheets
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

And what the Hell is this achievement? A Frisbee with all the FOOB characters? A collector’s plate? Protective Mandala that keeps the owner bland and boring? What?
Propaniac
August 28th, 2008 at 10:05 am [Reply]

This is incredibly awesome news. I’ve been into Rifftrax since they started, and would highly encourage all of you to check them out beyond Josh’s venture, which I can’t wait to hear!. (By the way, there’s already a Rifftrax for Spider-Man 3.)
Roadside Emma
August 28th, 2008 at 10:05 am [Reply]

I thought your rise to celebrity greatness would end with the venerable New Yorker but NO! MST3K is one of my favorite shows since childhood. Can’t wait to hear the commentary!
Artist formerly known as Ben
August 28th, 2008 at 10:08 am [Reply]

8/28

Did I miss something? It looks like Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke is sporting robot tentacles. Congratulations, Josh.

FW: Superman may come from Krypton, but it looks like this account of his creation was pulled directly from Tom Batiuk’s ass.

C-Shaft: Nothing that puts such an abject look of terror on Crankshaft’s face can be all bad.

MT: And just in time, along comes Mark Trail. He’s got the proportionate strength and speed of… a trail.

Ziggy: Not to be a backseat driver or anything, but aren’t procrastinators all about tomorrow rather than yesterday?

9CL: Homage to Douglas Adams via apartment number: approve. Lesbian S&M setup: cautiously approve. Edda’s plastic surgery disaster of an evil grin: reject.

BB: Looks like Beetle is sitting on the ground surrounded by 2-inch-tall cacti. Perspective? What’s that?

FC: I had no idea that the White House continued the all-white decor on the inside. (Insert Obama joke here.)

Shoe: Enjoy the snot bath, Roz.

Cathy: No advice from Cathy’s sensible thrifty parents? Hark! The sound of angels singing.

SFx: It’s no picnic having a bird nest in your mailbox. Every time you open it, you get nothing but bills. Thank you, try the veal.

SSmith: “Lukey, have you ever read Also Sprach Zarathustra? I tell ya, Nietszche’s description of that dang ol’ will to power done changed m’life.”

PBS: Another urban legend is given new life.

OBH: I’m with Ruthie here. Down with oversharing dolls!

DT: Thank God the giant 8 track recorders are again gurading the bank.

A3G: Margo’s mind cannot accomodate the idea of “more important than Margo.” Or at least “More important than doing Margo.”

RMMD: So how will Lenore Foster make it worth Rex’s while? The phrase “grandson who just can’s say no” comes to mind.
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 10:39 am [Reply]

I am totally going to be watching this one. (And to all the folks wondering why the much-inferior Spider-Man 3 wasn’t picked, it’s because there’s already a RiffTrack for it.)

Coming later: selected and skewered lowlights from the Mustache bio. Now, snark!

9CL – I’m having a great time imagining what someone who was completely new to 9 Chickweed Lane would think upon reading today’s strip.

A3G – ahahaha hahahahahaha

BB – I think there’s some subtext and visual metaphor here. Look carefully, because it’s very hard to spot.

BBlue – If there’s one thing I didn’t expect to see in this strip, it would be Darryl asking his son about his sexual preferences.

DT – Oh, Dick let the guy get mauled to death because he was afraid to hurt the dogs. It all makes sense now.

FOOB – BLARGHFRGH

Garfield – Garfield is a pervert.

GA – Damn this plot is boring.

GF – Hey, Darb, this joke is getting pretty old.

Luann – Ha ha, it’s time to watch Brad be emasculated by his parents again!

MF – You mean the one where you spend a lot of time and effort pretending to be much better than you are and then it all falls apart in a series of incidents before the games even start?

PBS – Haha, win.

Pibgorn – So in case you were wondering, it’s perfectly okay that the ~8-year-old girl looks twenty-five because she’s had time to grow up to be twenty-five. Perfectly okay. Nothing squicky about it, nosirree.

RMMD – I wonder if that’s the first time Rex has heard the phrase “I’ll make it worth your while?”
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am [Reply]

Jeebum – I’m trying to read the Bunthony Biography and it’s making me nauseous.

Here are some really dopey excerpts:

“That fall, his class moved from Junior High to the Collegiate a mile from his home. It was a long bus ride, but he was enthused about the new school.”

Um-so a mile is a long bus ride?

“I don’t have any experience at the pumps.”

What do you need? Seriously, my dog could pump gas.

“Chicks love a guy who can dance. Just show ‘em a few twirls and a dip, and you won’t be able to beat the babes off with a stick.”

Well Anthony didn’t need to learn how to Dip-he’s always been one.

That’s all I can take before I barf.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am [Reply]

An’ I forgot the friggin’ comma after “well.” TY, Lynn, for poisoning my grammar skillz. Hoo.
CanuckDownSouth
August 28th, 2008 at 10:47 am [Reply]

I so, so glad that I am far too busy to read Blandthony’s bio. The excerpts are enough to cause sunburn from the ultraviolet prose.

As for today’s FOOB: Why, yes, Elly that is a nice way to end a story. Too bad it’s the story you’re telling yourself in your head as we send you off to therapy.

That would explain so much – just in the last few bits, she keeps forgetting in her daydream about tubes and monitors for Gramps, and knows he’ll be all right so the wedding goes on.

At least that is how I will always have to remember FOOB. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And while I’m done with my fanfic story arc, I do have some vignettes for the Foob’s Paradise epilogues
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

#108 CanuckDownSouth – Whoo, Julia!
bigmoneygrip
August 28th, 2008 at 11:07 am [Reply]

“Luanne: Now this is just sad. Brad hiding his tat from his parents as if he’s still in high school.”

Actually, if you get a tattoo, you are supposed to keep it covered up from several hours to a day. So he’s not really “hiding” it.
Schadenfreude, the unfunny critic
August 28th, 2008 at 11:09 am [Reply]

Mallard: You want a Bird’s Nest? What?

Rex: Well, Lenore, if you were 50 years younger, maybe. And had a fine, square jaw. And a hairy chest. And a few day’s beard stubble. Then, maybe then….

Does he even remember that he’s committed to some Carribean cruise with his wife and family? Probably, which is why he’s actually considering the regatta in order to escape hanging out with them. Unable to attract more than one patient every nine or ten months, he can’t lose himself in his work. Somehow he must find a distraction from his family, since they only remind him of his strange, driving desire to be in the company of men.
Schadenfreude, the unfunny critic
August 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

A3G: Eric, who proposed to Margo hates her. Alan, who blew up at her loves her. She is as good at reading the psyche of others as she is as a dealer in fine art – which explains why they haven’t sold a painting in over a year and a half.
mollificent
August 28th, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

Argh, still wrestling with RiffTrax obsession. Damn you, Josh.

It’s almost enough to make me take my laptop on the plane tomorrow so I can watch LOTR again (syncing up the DVD and mp3 on the computer is super-easy). But then I’d have to *shudder* check a bag, something to be avoided under even the best circumstances, and these days/this particular weekend? Aw, HELL no. Sigh…guess I’ll have to Riff when I get back.

Sorry, too lazy for actual snarkage this morning. But I say again, Josh, you are the MAN! Can’t wait for S2. :)
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 11:18 am [Reply]

Here’s another snippet:

“Oh Anthony. I wish we’d never started this child!”

Like hotwiring a car, is it? Or making a soufflé?
Schadenfreude, the unfunny critic
August 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am [Reply]

Get Fuzzy: “Nobody loves a critic.” Damn. I think I’ll change back to my alter ego “Hogenmogen”.

I did love “Your hair is ignorant.” I’ll have to use it in conversation some time today.

It’s a wonderful way to end today. I don’t get it. That’s not only not a punch line, it doesn’t make much sense. Wouldn’t a good way to end the day be – I don’t know – the bride and groom appearing at the goddamn reception?

The doctor’s status report on Deathbed Jim: “Eh, he’s fine. He’ll make it.”
Hogenmogen
August 28th, 2008 at 11:43 am [Reply]

Spidermess: Let’s see, Spidey had the flu for three months, then JJJ gets it, the very next opportunity. No, I don’t think a newspaper guy could possibly connect those two dots and get a picture.

I did like JJJ’s archaic “I have the flu” picture yesterday. Wrapped in a blanket, thermometer in mouth, bag of ice on head. If I remember, the board game Chutes & Ladders had some kid similarly dressed when it was designed in 1943. The kid also had his feet in a bucket of warm water, but we don’t get to see JJJ’s feet.

Tomorrow on Spidey:
Parker: That’s a good way to end a story!
Robertson: That’s a good way to end today!
JP (not Judge Parker)
August 28th, 2008 at 11:50 am [Reply]

I’m a little late on the congratulations parade, but that is so awesome Josh!!!!! It also makes me very happy there are so many MST3K fans on here. =)

84: “Looks like student council from outer space!”
Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
August 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am [Reply]

FOOB: As for Lipthony’s bio……..Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a steaming pile of dung. As I read his bio, I felt like I was being gagged, like a bunch of unpalatable goop was being shoved down my throat.

There is a lot that can be said about it, but just for now:

Therese doesn’t seem like a real person, just a caricature. Psychotic, vengeful, hateful, ultra-jealous, materialistic, shallow, bi-polar, manipulative……..and since Lynn hates women with drive, ambition, and careers, there are no redeeming qualities for Therese whatsoever.

Of course, Gavin Caine and Roger Arsenault just have to know each other. And what’s with this name……..Arsenault?? Arsenault…….Arse-nault…..Arse…..Ass…..it may be a common name, but it just gives Lynn another opportunity to trash Therese……..yeah, I know Beth actually writes the bios, but I’m sure Lynn approves what’s written before it’s posted. So, of course, it’s their parents’ fault that Therese and the Pornstache were shoved together. Love had nothing to do with it, only career ambition, greed and money, and poor Dopethany had no choice.

Now, if I were to give Lynn the benefit of the doubt and just go along with her portrayal of what a materialistic, vengeful, physcho-bitch Therese is……….we read how in his earlier years, Asshathony is determined, smart, motivated, and so insightful, etc etc etc yet he can’t see the total hell he’d get himself wrapped up in should he marry into this shallow, materialistic, Arsenault Tarantula-Family, but yet he gets forced into it nonetheless.

There were many, many warning signs early-on which should have sent a clear message to Anthony to run the hell away from Therese and her family as fast as possible:

Red-Flag #1: After the momentous “debriefing” at the Arse-house which horrified him so, getting grilled like he did, having Mr. Arse call the hotel to check that he and Therese had seperate rooms, having hotel staff spy on them and report to Mr. Arse……that should have been a huge signal right there.

Red-Flag #2: The experience of being invited to the cottage-castle-mansion on the lake.

Red-Flag #3: The incident with Therese telling him that she’s still “a little bit in love” with the street singer, then flying into a rage when Anthony told her that he still had a few feelings for Liz, throwing his coat in his face, screaming at him to leave, then shortly afterward calling him up and being all nicey-nice, apologising sweetie sweetie-sorry-sorry-kissy-kissy….

Red-Flag #4: Therese’s pocketbook revenge on Anthony (exchanging his small engagement ring for a much more expensive “one she likes better”). Granted, he was a real dick by leaving the party with his arm around Liz, being seen by everyone, and staying out all night with her, despite being engaged to Therese, but Therese’s reaction was simply malicious. She had every right to be furious and demand an explaination, and be pissed off for a while, but the whole act of vengefully and intentionally punishing him by forcing him to upgrade to a ring he couldn’t afford was just too far over the top.

Even if he stayed around for “Red-Flags 1-3″, even if he actually went through with his stammering proposal, the “ring-upgrade” incident should have been more than enough warning, enough of a precursor to what the marraige would be like, for him to back out of it. Yeah, he would look like an asshole, but we all know he’s that anyway, despite how much Lynn tries to prop his pasty ass up.

Then Lynn tries to claim that the baby was Therese’s idea, not Anthony’s. Then Lynn tries to justify Anthony wanting the house, only because it was closer to his job.

Of course, the Pattersaints are held in the highest regard. No mention of their busy-body meddling in Anthony’s marriage…….though we get a lot of people saying a lot of shit like “Too bad you and Liz never hooked up, we always rooted for you…..”

Some good fucking friends, always trying to make you second-guess your marraige, right from day-one, huh…….?

Of course, Anthony bears no blame whatsoever.

Of course, Lynn tries to tie-up loose ends and criticsms she’s endured about Pastythony’s behavior, but she fails miserably to do so.

It almost felt like being violated, it was so damn bad!

After forcing that bio on myself, it’s clear that what Dopethony sees in Liz and the rest of the Pattersaints is stability……..something he rarely had as a kid. He doesn’t really love Liz, he loves the idea of feeling safe and secure, and having a loving mommy around. He needs some serious help. As for Liz, well, John and Elly’s expectations are clear…..and she wants to “marry a guy like dad”……..she finally got her wish. Within a few years she will be miserable.

Anthony’s bio was forcefully written…….kind of like someone trying to pull teeth……..or someone who has been constipated for weeks and is now trying to shit out a 15-lb iron rod.
Tweeks_Coffee
August 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am [Reply]

#105 – Calico: I’ve already suffered severe bouts of nausea and vomiting. I’ll let you know when I get past the tale of his parents being horrible to each other about the 3rd grade Math Bee.
odinthor
August 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am [Reply]

#97. TDO’F. — This could also be an uncharacteristically dense population of specimens of Browningia candelaris, though it would still have to be explained why Beetle was being dropped in the Atacama Desert (. . . well, come to think of it, maybe that doesn’t have to be explained), and, um, doesn’t really extricate anyone from any of the difficulties you mentioned, but does give me an opportunity to mention that I have grown not one but two now-25-year-old specimens of Browningia candelaris from seed, which makes this whole comment worth it. … Sigh, ok, maybe not.
Oddball Cargo
August 28th, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

OK, who made it through the Blandthony bio? Without drinking heavily and vomiting? I confess I got as far as his rescue of Liz (with SERIOUS skimming) before wanting to stab myself in the eyeball with a sharpened #2 pencil.
Astroboy
August 28th, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

#117 Joe – Aresenault is a common French name. My neighbors who are French Canadian have that name.
Honeypot
August 28th, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

Wait a minute -

You mean that August 28 is the last day of the Foobery?

The day Obama gets the nom for Pres?

The day that we find out Josh is taking another two steps to fame?

The day that *I* myself hit the double nickle – 55?

It’s a red-letter birthday, for sure. Nothing much usually happens on August 28 (Katrina excepted, of course…). I’m gonna remember this one!
Paul1963
August 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

Calico @105: In my school district, if you lived within 1.5 miles of your school, you didn’t ride the bus.
Jana C.H.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

Ever notice that while anything goes with the females in Pibgorn, the men are as nipple-less as anyone at Charterstone?

Can you say “double standard”?

Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Marlo Thomas: A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.
Mr. Plow
August 28th, 2008 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

FOOB:
The words are Shut Up! Not STOP!!
12/31/2007
8/20/2008
Rob
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

A3g- Love the shocked look of passerbys as they look at the crazy lady talking to herself

Archie- Thank God they clarified things in the last panel with the giant “the mall” sign, the strip just didn’t make sense before that. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had no idea where I was until I saw a giant mall sign.

BB- Thank god the girl wasn’t large in the backside or this would no longer be a family strip

Blondie- Ahh the age old philisopical question who is lazier, Dagwood slouching on the couch with his hands in his pockets for weeks or the artist for Blondie

GA- Gee so glad he mailed himself one of dem post cards instead of usin dat fancy com-puut-or to patent his invention.

Hi&lois- hmmm Lois, no wait thats only 4 this is tough

Marvin- Wow Hell’s Kitchen and Home Improvement, this strip just has current pop culture nailed

OBH- Any strip that ends with “I want to smack the mess out of her” is perfect in my book. Its really a fun game, pick any other stip and add “and I want to smack the mess out of her” to the end.
kingklash
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

FBOFW: End of the story? You promise? You ain’t gonna pull out the dive this time, are ya?
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

# 119 odinthor — Hey, I’m impressed! Please hug your cacti for…naw, just tell them I said hello.
Hysterical Woman
August 28th, 2008 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

Awesome sauce! (I was thinking they had already done Spiderman, but I was thinking about Spiderman 3 with *ugh* James Lileks. Damn you Republican!Mike Nelson.)
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

# 48 Sir Fable MTK — Your generous nobility is much appreciated. But in this case, you shouldn’t have to suffer alone. Those of us Mudges who have waded through that bio can now look at each other with new undestanding and sympathy, as the horror slowly recedes from our eyes.

A condensed version, hmmm…”Poor Anthony had a very difficult childhood caused by horrible parents. He had a very difficult marriage, caused by a horrible wife. He has a large beakish nose that somehow stops being large and beakish when he turns sideways, a really neat trick! And he is marrying a woman who’s so relentlessly sweet and perky that she makes Little Mary Sunshine look like Niobe. Now they are going to enjoy sweetly intense and very private passion! Lots of it! Lots and lots of it! Fwancie will have to get her own breakfast from now on! The End.”
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

Well, I’m going to take a crack at MSTing the Anthony bio. If I don’t make it, kindly arrange my hands so that I’m flipping a double bird before rigor mortis sets in and then mail them to Corbeil, would you?

“You ate all my organic flax bread!” Hanneke Caine wheeled from the counter to stare at her husband and son, tears gleaming in her eyes. “I bought it from Illo’s Bakery especially for my new diet! It took me ages to find it. How could you?”

Ah, the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer Johnstonian characterization: this non-Elly mother is one o’ them damn crazy hippies (and apparently doing Atkins decades before it was invented,) and histrionic to boot (as opposed to proper Foob women, who bottle everything up and slowly passive-aggress it out on the people around them.)

His mother recoiled. “With jam on it? Ugh. No, I’ll just – go hungry.” She sighed, with a catch in her breath. “If my health suffers, so be it. I don’t expect anyone to care.”

Oh, she’s passive-aggressive on top of that. Which is only acceptable if you’re a Patterson.

His father shot her an icy look. Anthony leapt to his feet. “There’s Oatie-O’s in the cupboard. They’re healthy, right? I can get you a bowl, if you want.”

“Hey, Herb, didja hear about that new food product made out of ground plant matter and formed in the shape of a glyph used in a number of common languages?”

His parents confused him. They always seemed to be fighting, and when they weren’t doing that, they were kissing. Sometimes they did both at once, which was especially awful. He’d made the mistake once of inviting friends to his house after school to watch TV. He still cringed, remembering.

Remember, kids, sexuality, let alone intercourse itself, is as ugly and shameful as marital strife! God, if nothing else this does explain a hell of a lot about the creep.

Anthony had learned not to say so, but he sympathized with his Dad. He liked numbers himself. They were trustworthy. A number always meant the same thing. Putting them together the same way always gave the same answer. Not like words. Words were slippery, fuzzy things. They could have totally different meanings at different times and sometimes even two meanings at once. He hated it when older kids laughed at something he said, even though he didn’t mean to be funny. Words didn’t even follow their rules properly. Everything he had learned about grammar seemed sloppy and contradictory and full of exceptions.

Lynn Johnston, you keep your damn grubby paws off my math. Also, what this says to me is Anthony = undiagnosed Asperger’s. Which would also explain a lot.

Numbers were exciting, too. There was so much neat stuff that could be done with them. Mathematicians had revealed secrets that no one else could figure out, solved mysteries and created them. Because the Egyptians and Aztecs had been so good at math, they had been able to build pyramids that still impressed people thousands of years later. Early explorers had found their way across the ocean by tracking the North Star and calculating their position from it. Anthony thought that was amazingly neat. Math and starlight, leading people into whole new worlds.

Or, you know, it could also lead someone to live their whole life in the town they grew up in, handling the books for a used-car dealership. That works too. Who needs that “excitement” crap, anyway?

They were married in Quebec City six weeks later.

Ah, now it makes sense: Anthony’s mom is the bad guy because she’s one of those damn Francophiles. By the way, in case you hadn’t picked this up from the excerpts, Anthony’s mom = Therese = horrifying Oedipal implications which will no doubt be blamed on the Big T herself.

Anthony was doubtful. It seemed dumb for two people to get married if they were just going to fight all the time. It was a good thing they had, or he would never have been born.

I beg to differ.

Displays of emotion were exhausting, and sometimes scary.

FOOB in a nutshell, folks.

“…You start bawling now, Tony, I swear I’ll pitch you out of this house. There’s been enough dramatics around here to last me a lifetime.”

The man speaks for everyone who’s ever been exposed to the tripe that is this strip.

It was as though Hanneke Caine had been vaporized from the face of the earth.

Lucky woman.

On Christmas day, his Dad took him out to a Chinese restaurant, where they

…ordered duck and were shocked and surprised to find that it had been prepared without prior removal of the appendages. Oh no, wait, I was thinking of a story I dislike significantly less than this one.

It was as though some kind of invisible wall had grown up between them.

So Anthony grew up to be a rock star, but never could fully open himself up to anybody, and the problems he locked inside eventually drove him insane, and he shaved off all his hair and became a neo-Nazi and-oh, sorry, I was thinking of a story I actually like.

He became a total expert at Tetris, and was thrilled with a new software that let him create 3-D designs of houses and cars and even robots that he invented out of his imagination. There were some neat math games on the computers, too.

1. For certain very limited definitions of “total expert.”
2. “A new software?” Did it come on “flexible floppy platter disks?”
3. “Imagination.” Ha ha. Yeah right.
4. LYNN JOHNSTON YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN GRUBBY PAWS OFF MY MATH BLASTER.

“While you were at camp, I married again. Your new mother is waiting at the house to meet you.”

haha hahahaha hahaha hahaha best post-camp surprise EVER

“Your mother was never the maternal sort. Clarice is. She likes children. Wants children. She’s happy to give up her job and just be a wife and mother.”

Gee, I wonder what the message here could possibly be? ARE YOU LISTENING, JOHNSTON CHILDREN?

He especially liked his new Uncle Max. His Mom’s brother was a round, balding, talkative little man who owned a men’s clothing store. Despite the fact that his fingers were as short and chunky as the rest of him, his hands were as nimble and neat as a cat’s paws. Anthony liked to visit Max’ store sometimes, just to watch him pin and tuck and pat a suit onto a customer until it fit smooth and sleek as a glove.

The point of this paragraph is to retroactively establish that Anthony always had an uncle who made tuxedos and he totally wasn’t just made up on the spur of the moment for the wedding so stop saying that OKAY, but it comes off more like he’s about to break into “Fiddle About.”

They didn’t kiss in front of him either, which was a relief.

God forbid a married couple should express their affection in front of others.

Yeah, he could see how a woman could want one of those, cute and cuddly, instead of some skinny kid with geeky glasses and a big nose.

So does anyone else want to join me when I raze Corbeil on behalf of all us math-prone skinny people with dorky spectacles? We’ll be the geekiest Huns there ever were.

It couldn’t last, of course. He knew from the start that Elizabeth would tire of him. It took just six weeks. Hypersensitive as he was to rejection, he saw it coming every painful inch of the way. For the sake of his dignity, he broke up with her first.

…

They settled cautiously back into dating. Anthony kept a little more distance this time. It might be a reprieve, but Liz would dump him sooner or later, and next time it might be for good. He had to enjoy their relationship while it lasted.

Doesn’t this just bode well for the Marriage Of Destiny. A man with a constant, crippling need for affirmation and a woman with a total inability to form her own opinions or feelings about anything…what a pair!

It especially stung when his parents hardly paid any attention to the top mark awards Anthony brought home for Math and Science, or the special commendation he earned for his Science Fair project on the calculations involved in navigating the Ulysses solar probe spacecraft. They were too busy raving about Abby’s first smile.

Okay, he’s a high school student and he’s fuming about the baby stealing attention like he’s a petulant toddler? Although this is entirely in keeping with what we know of him, that’s still laughable.

He loved the island, the ocean, and hunting bargains in the garage sales and flea-markets that were his grandmother’s summer hobby.

LYNN JOHNSTON YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN GRUBBY MITTS OFF MY PASTIMES.

Anthony worked out a spreadsheet of the real cost of owning a car.

As opposed to, you know, just using a calculator. COMPUTERS…OF…THE…FUTURE!

“I’ll just – just find somewhere else to live where I don’t have to live in the basement and baby-sit all the time and do all the yard work and get treated like total – “

Extra credit: compare/contrast between this complaint as raised by Anthony Caine and (hypothetically) April Patterson, and the tone the narrative takes (or would.)

Anthony was trembling as his father swept out of the house on a wave of disgust.

Mary Worth’s platitudes make more sense than this sentence.

“No problem. We’ll train you. Dr. Patterson recommended you as a steady,
honest worker and that’s good enough for me. When could you start?”

“He said I’d get sent to the cornfield if I didn’t hire you. I mean, Jesus, when the Pattersons want you to do something, you do it.”

It was easy to see why Tracey was so frustrated with their system, which was housed in an older software without the capabilities they needed.

Extra credit: find one of the near-infinite number of less stupid ways to convey the meaning intended in this sentence.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re not good enough! You’re too modest, Anthony. You have wonderful natural rhythm and you’re amazingly light on your feet for a man so tall.”

God, even The Evil Therese can’t avoid falling all over herself to sing his praises.

Gordon kicked at a worn spot on the floor. “I guess they have some doubts about this guy. Dr. P said they really wished she had stuck with you.”

“Me too.” Anthony managed a smile. “But hey, things change. Liz has moved on. No problem. So have I.”

“Yeah. OK. Well. Just thought you should know.” Gordon shrugged and trudged out the door.

“I wouldn’t bring it up except that they threatened me with the cornfield again. Christ, have you seen Mrs. Patterson? She’s like Zombie Ben Franklin. Creepy. But don’t tell her I said that. Please.”

Therese’s parents bombarded them with questions as to who had been at the festival, what had been said about them, and any tidbits of gossip from the more prominent families from the region. Therese’s mother speculated openly as to the incomes of everyone mentioned and the value of their homes, jealously comparing them to the Arsenault assets.

So what I’m getting here is that Canada in the early 2000s = 1850s Britain?

When she snapped at him one day, saying his appearance was childish and he should at least try to look mature, he humbly agreed to her suggestion that he grow a moustache. It itched, and he was dubious about how it looked. But Therese liked it. That was what mattered. After all, she was the one who had to look at his face most often.

This being, of course, part of Lynn’s Stalin-esque rewriting of history to blame anything unpopular on Therese. Beth Cruikshank: the Ministry of Truth in Corbeil.

He told Anthony with a voice chipped from ice that Roger Arsenault had arrived late at the party, just in time to see Anthony walk out the door with his arm around Liz.

Therese was furious.

No, this is no better in context. Isn’t he just the most wonderful man in the whole wide world?

There was an ominous silence. Therese stared at him as though he were a new species of insect. “I see. Liz really has the knack, doesn’t she? A woman with a live-in boyfriend puts the moves on another woman’s fiance, and you truly believe she’s a total innocent.” She shook her head. “I knew you were gullible, but this is ridiculous.”

Isn’t Therese just a total horrible awful evil manipulative selfish bitch? WELL? ISN’T SHE!?

…Lady, you didn’t bail one moment too soon.

He turned the routine accounting over to his father’s company and limited his own input to the business management side.

So all you people calling him an accountant for a used-car lot had better JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?

He said his vows with all his heart.

Except, of course, for the huge portion of it that was still mooning after the Golden Vagina. But hey, which of us hasn’t lusted after someone else for the entire duration of our relationship, engagement, and marriage, amirite?

…Okay, that wasn’t very fair. I doubt there’s ever been arousal, let alone lust, in that sexless mush’s life.

Anthony was delighted when Therese told him just three months later that they were expecting.

He made sure to put a wheel on the chimney for the stork.

Caring for a baby was harder than Anthony thought, and Therese held him to his word and gave him no help at all.

He had to breast-feed her himself. Isn’t Therese just AWFUL, holding people to PROMISES and things?

He sorrowed for Therese, who was too lost in darkness to see the marvellous new person they had made together as anything but a burden.

Dear Beth Cruikshank: IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT “SORROWED” IS LISTED AS A VALID VERB IN THE DICTIONARY. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE IT.

Also, women who don’t want to be stay-at-home mothers just haven’t achieved enlightenment yet. If Lynn hadn’t done that coming-out storyline all those years ago, she’d be hugely popular with the Fundie crowd.

“My counsellor showed me how stupid I’ve been.” His wife thumped an armful of laden shopping bags down on the table, her dark eyes flashing. “All my life, I’ve tried to please my parents, to make myself into the person they wanted me to be. No matter how hard I tried, they’ve never, ever been satisfied, and I’ve been miserable. From now on I’m going to do what I want, follow my dreams. I’m taking control of my life. No one, no one, will ever manipulate me into making decisions that are wrong for me again.” She wheeled on Anthony. “Do you understand?”

Of course, after a troubled and ultimately unsuccessful marriage to a woman who dared to want to be herself without taking any crap for it, (EVIL SELFISH BITCH!) the obvious thing to do was to get involved with a woman whose very soul was dominated and controlled by her parents. A psychologist would have a field day with these people.

It was a bittersweet joy, talking to Liz again. She was as warm and friendly as ever, in love with life and revelling in the adventure of teaching in the north.

Being with her was like stepping unexpectedly out into sunlight after weeks of rain. After she left, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. If only things had worked out between them …

Emotional adultery? Wherever did you get that idea?

Fury blazed up, blinding him to anything but the need to wrench her free. He was on the attacker in a heartbeat. The other man was bigger and powerfully built, but rage gave Anthony a strength he didn’t know he had.

So what I’m getting here is Anthony = The Incredible Hulk.

…actually, after all the ridiculous lengths everybody in Milborough has gone to in praising the living shit out of the man, this seems kind of mundane. Oh, ho-hum, Anthony just flung a man into the sun. I wonder what’s for supper?

As soon as it was out, he was appalled at himself. After what she’d been through, the last thing Liz needed was any more unwanted male attentions. He kept his mouth shut and kicked himself the rest of the way for being such a jerk. When they arrived at the Patterson’s home, he apologized with miserable sincerity.

So all you people calling him a creepy pervert had better JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?

…yeah. Yeah, this totally never actually happened until people complained about how fucking creepy the whole thing was. So, of course, instead of admitting her mistake, Lynn just has her toady scribble up this pile of shit to pretend there never was a problem in the first place. We have always been at war with Eastasia, did you know that?

“No, don’t.” Liz caught his arm. “Anthony, I’m fine, thanks to you. I’ve never seen anything as brave as the way you tackled Howard. Did you know he’s been in the army? He’s so much bigger than you, too.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I was so afraid you’d be hurt. But you were so fearless and strong and – wonderful.”

She laughed suddenly. “Gosh, I sound like one of those eyelash-fluttering damsels in the old movies. I believe your next line is ‘Shucks, ma’am, that warn’t nothin’.”

Anthony grinned in spite of himself. “It wasn’t, you know. Any decent guy would have done the same. I just wish I hadn’t – ”

“Anthony, for heavens sake! Even old-fashioned heroes can’t keep their feelings bottled up forever. Obviously you’re hurting so much, you need to talk. I didn’t realize – . Come on. The park is right here. Let’s walk a while.”

“And we’ll stop at a bar called O’Malley’s. Where we’ll plan our escape.”

His old roommate Glenn reminisced with such enthusiasm about their geeky high school days that the two of them hunted up a local Astronomy Club and became members.

Inspired, he purchased some glow-in-the-dark stars and recreated his childhood constellations on the ceiling of Francie’s room. She loved them as much as he had. He couldn’t help laughing when one of her first words was “Owion”.

In the wake of his divorce, Anthony apparently begins reconstructing his life, starting from childhood. No sir, no deep-seated psychological problems here!

Extra credit: analyze the link between this and Lynn’s stated intent to “do it right this time.”

“Daddy. Are you a gwampa?”

Surprised, he looked down at her. “No, just a daddy. Why?”

“Zach says you look like his gwampa, ’cause you have a moustache.”

Françoise Marie Caine: heroine to millions.

*snippage*

And it ends with a boring Animal House-style ending telling us things we already know.

God, what a pile of shit.
Hogenmogen
August 28th, 2008 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

I’d like to thank my fellow CCers for reading Blandthony’s bio so I don’t have to!

My local rag has decided to drop Foobville starting Monday. Mrs. Mogen is very upset – both at losing her melodrama and the look of smug satisfaction on my face. Personally, there are several other strips that I’d whack before Foobville, for all the nausea that it induces. Garf, BB, others.

I’ve been thinking about the Foob plot wrap up, though, which has promised to be done by Sunday. That leaves Fri, Sat, Sun to tie this thing up. So, either
A. Deathbed Jim makes an amazing recovery
B. Deathbed Jim kicks the bucket, but dies happy knowing that his grand daughter married the boring guy that everyone says is smart and funny. Oh, he could stick around until April (who actually visited Gramps) got married, but April unfortunately was introduced too late in the strip to have been consigned at birth to some childhood boyfriend who would be a well-developed character eventually.
C. Deathbed Jim perpetually stays in misery until the end of time.
None of these wrap ups are at all palatable. Yes, the Liz/Anth story line is finalized. They’re married. Woo-hoo. We sort of knew that was coming for three years, if not longer.

I’m voting for Jim’s rapid turn for the worse. His soul floats over his body, higher and higher until he finds himself outside of a snow globe being pawed by a maniacally insane 60-something woman.

No, wait, he dies and wakes up in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette.

No, wait, he’s in an army psychiatric ward and there has been a cease fire called with the North Koreans.

No, wait, Iris writes in her diary that Jim actually died and the past year has all been her attempt at wish fulfilment.

Jim meets “Number One”.

No, wait, Jim’s pulse drops, the docs rush in to save him. We hear “Don’t Stop Believing” from Journey, and the screen goes blank.
Terry
August 28th, 2008 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail

Obviously, those men would rather not rescue women from the momma cougar. They’re moving rocks no where near the entrance of the cave.
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

Foob — Re the bio, final note to self: If a story begins with a woman screaming “YOU ATE ALL MY ORGANIC FLAX BREAD!”, turn around and run.
Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
August 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

#132: Being a Prisoner fan, I hope Jim meets Number One.
Mr. Jones
August 28th, 2008 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

This Anthony bio stuff is so metaphysically bad. It easily burns through “bad”, plows through “so bad, it’s good”, and hits the brick wall of “abandon all hope, all ye who read this”.

I’m not kidding. I really, really tried to read it, but my eyes wouldn’t cooperate. My eyes would lurch off the words and off the computer screen. I couldn’t get through more than a couple sentences before my brain locked up. I’m not exaggerating. I had to fantasize about this earth being consumed in flame, with everyone dying a horrific death, in order to calm down.
Islamorada Girl
August 28th, 2008 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

Meanwhile, back at Chatterstone, Mary Worth has been missing for several weeks now, leaving Toby the Trophy to stumble through ID theft on her own. Question is: where is Mary? Is she on vacation?
If so, where? What place in the world could provide her with her daily meddling needs? Inquiring minds want to know.
rich
August 28th, 2008 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

(Commodore John, you beat me to the punch while I was still editing! Great minds…. )

Okay, so here’s my abridged version of The Biography of Anthony Caine. ( http://www.fborfw.com/features/who/bio.php?number=59 ) :

“You ate all my organic flax bread!” Hanneke Caine wheeled from the counter to stare at her husband and son, tears gleaming in her eyes.

There was a truly horrible scene … His dad had been furious… “Have you no decent reserve?”

Numbers were exciting, too.

One evening in December Anthony came home full of music and high spirits from the elementary school Christmas Concert.

He especially liked Elizabeth’s Dad. He was quiet and kind of nerdy too, and he also wore glasses and had a big nose.

Anthony glanced over at Liz and almost dropped his books … Now, with a totally new haircut and contacts, she looked fantastic!

“Anthony? This is Gordon Mayes. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in a part-time job pumping gas. … Dr. Patterson recommended you as a steady, honest worker.” Anthony couldn’t believe his good luck.

“She decided to go to Nipissing University instead, in North Bay.” Anthony shrugged. “It couldn’t last.”
“Don’t know why not.” Gordon sighed and rose. “You’re one of the best. But women – who can figure them?”

He tried the bar scene, and hated it.

It was his roommate who came up with a solution. “Dance lessons. … Anything male that can put one foot in front of another, they’ll be all over like flies on road kill. Chicks love a guy who can dance.”

Thérèse glowed with triumph as they drove away from the dance hall. … There was a touch of smugness in her voice.

Gordon jammed his hands in his pockets. “Dr. P tells me that Liz has moved in with her boyfriend. He and Mrs. P aren’t real happy about it.” Anthony felt someone had punched him in the stomach. Gordon kicked at a worn spot on the floor. “I guess they have some doubts about this guy. Dr. P said they really wished she had stuck with you.”

“It sounds great. But I’ve never learned to jig.”

Therese slipped her arm through his. “I expect wonders of you. And I promise I’ll nag and harass you as long as it takes to achieve it.”

Her mouth curved into a small secretive smile. “And I am still a little in love with him. Do you mind?”
“No.” Anthony hesitated before deciding he owed her the truth. “There’s a girl in my past, too. One I’ve never quite gotten over. I guess there’s a sweet sadness in thinking about lost loves. Maybe a little masochism, too.” He grinned at her. Thérèse didn’t smile back.

She snapped at him one day, saying his appearance was childish. … He humbly agreed to her suggestion that he grow a moustache. He was dubious about how it looked. But Thérèse liked it.

Roger Arsenault had arrived late at the party, just in time to see Anthony walk out the door with his arm around Liz. Thérèse was furious. “Thérèse, that’s unfair! … Liz and I have been friends for years. You have no reason to be this upset.”

Anthony and Thérèse were married in August. He said his vows with all his heart. Thérèse seemed to fall into an odd apathy once the ceremony ended.
When they arrived late that night at the luxury hotel where they were spending a brief honeymoon, she pulled away from him when he tried to kiss her. “Stop it, Anthony. I’m not in the mood to be mauled.” She drew away, yawning widely.

Anthony hesitated. “Well, I would like to have a family someday. But there’s no hurry. If you’re not ready – .”
She shrugged. “We might as well. … I don’t much care what I do.” She gave him a bleak smile.

“I’ll take care of our child. It doesn’t have to tie you down. Not at all.”
Thérèse stared at him. “You’re not serious. No man with a shred of ambition could say such a thing and mean it.”
“I can.”
“Oh Anthony. I wish we’d never started this child! This whole marriage has been such a miserable mistake.”

Caring for a baby was harder than Anthony thought. Thérèse held him to his word and gave him no help at all.

He was delighted when Gordon brought a visitor with him one day. It was a bittersweet joy, talking to Liz again. If only things had worked out between them …

Anthony’s heart sank. “Thérèse, wait. Where is our marriage going?”
“Nowhere. This marriage is going nowhere. Stop clinging to it. Oh, don’t look at me like that!”

He knew Liz’ voice, and there was a terror it that tore his heart open. He was on the attacker in a heartbeat. The other man was bigger and powerfully built, but rage gave Anthony a strength he didn’t know he had. He flung the creep to the ground, hammered him into cringing submission and pinned him hard.

He couldn’t believe how much fun it was to show her his home. Thérèse had scoffed at his carpentry as amateurish. Liz thought it was charming.

There was no way he could cancel his date with Julia, the woman he had hired to handle his old bookkeeping job. A bubbly, outgoing sort, she had just moved to Milborough and was looking forward to the wedding as a way to meet people. He couldn’t disappoint her.

He was in the middle of shaving when Francie wandered into the bathroom and stood solemnly watching him. “Daddy. Are you a gwampa? … Zach says you look like his gwampa, ’cause you have a moustache.” Taken aback, Anthony stared at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t liked the moustache when Thérèse first talked him into it. … With sudden decisiveness, he swiped his razor through it.

There was a heady satisfaction in shaving the moustache off … A faint seed of hope…encouragement in Liz’ smiling glances …all he had ever dreamed of. … very private passion.

THE END
gjdodger
August 28th, 2008 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

Josh…you should really just relax.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

#117 – Hahaha! Great.

I love the phrase “Arsenault Tarantula-Family.”

And yeah, the parts about Therese really show Lynn’s love of French Canadians. It’s like T is a poster child for Wellbutrin and Zoloft as well.
gh
August 28th, 2008 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

Josh, you need to pace yourself. Please, no more than one comic breakthrough a month! Congratulations!
Andy Panderer
August 28th, 2008 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

Josh, you got another shout out today – the LA Times published the WaPo article in today’s Calendar section. The leering, Joker-like image of LJ that accompanied the article was too much to bear over breakfast.

Congrats on the RiffTrax gig. I’ll have to check it out.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

#48 – And True, you earned your Gold Star along with Joe. Props to both of you. I haven’t read CJ’s rant yet but I’m certain it is just fine.

Oh, and by the way, Lynn or Beth or whomever, Flax products can give a person some pretty serious diarrhea. Eat in moderation.
TheDiva
August 28th, 2008 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

131 commodorejohn: You are either a very brave or very foolhardy man, but in any case thank you for taking the bullet so I don’t have to. Those snippets alone read like a God-awful Mary Sue fanfic where the author piles on the wangst in an attempt to drum up sympathy for a character that has absolutely no redeeming qualities of their own.

Regarding today’s installment, it appears Lynn Johnston’s grasp of meta-humor is about as solid as her grasp of regular humor, romance, and relationships.
Matt Algren
August 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

I don’t know if anybody’s pointed it out, but http://www.enormoushop.com has a new customer service feature. Just click the link on the main page to talk to a customer service agent LIVE!

After you’re done there, look at the code. Extra awesome there.
man behind the curtain
August 28th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

Josh, you’re becoming a true celebrity. Who needs this Michael Phelps guy when baltimore has Josh.

#137 Islamorada Girl — Mary is off enjoying herself at the 5-star resort spa she booked using Toeby’s credit card. And now, considering the real life effort of reaching an actual human working for the bank and the speed of the Mary Worth strip, I expect another 6 months of Toeby on the phone.
Erik @ RiffTrax
August 28th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

Hey Josh, it was cool to meet you. (Yes, he DID get to meet Mike Nelson, and the reason why Mike isn’t on the Spidey-2 track is because it’s a “RiffTrax Presents” as opposed to an official release).

Looking forward to the track, since it is my favorite SM movie of the three. (By far the best one). Here’s hoping will have Josh back for another go.
A New Day
August 28th, 2008 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

Josh,
To add my echo to the chorus line, that is awesome. We love Rifftrax around here, and of course are still mourning the loss of MST3K. As a few others have pointed out, though, you have now doomed me to actually watching Spiderman 2. If it’s too terrible despite the riffing, I suppose we could always imprison you in space with only animated serials of Mary Worth to keep you company…
Congratulations!
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

#132 – “No, wait, Jim’s pulse drops, the docs rush in to save him. We hear “Don’t Stop Believing” from Journey, and the screen goes blank.”

Lynn, I’ve set up a nice appointment for you to see Dr. Melfi next week, mmmmkay? Beth is invited to attend too.
Dingo
August 28th, 2008 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

For nearly a decade, I believed that Seinfeld would be the worst ending ever to a story short of Al Gore’s missed presidency. Now, today, I’ve seen FOOB. Worst. Ending. Ever.

The only way to redeem this would be for Liz to announce to Grandpa that she’s joining the Jungle Patrol.
Bootsy
August 28th, 2008 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

commodorejohn, I’m promoting you to admiraljohn! that was hilarious!
Old School Allie Cat
August 28th, 2008 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

I actually read the whole damn Anthony Caine Bio, and I feel sick.

And used.

If you haven’t gone there, don’t – that’s time I’ll never, never get back.
Dingo
August 28th, 2008 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

Oh, I forgot something. I want the current Mary Worth storyline to end with Toby’s bank informing her that the person who defrauded her was… Sir Sean Finnery! Yes, a title is nice to have but cold hard cash is better. Sir Sean hasn’t been working as much these days and you can’t heat the castle with BAFTA awards. Toby and Ian will fly to Scotland to confront the blaggard and he’ll cry manly tears into Ian’s heaving, nippleless bosom. All will end well with Sir Sean coming to Santa Royale for a performance at the community theatre and setting up household in Charterstone. Ian and Toby will settle for the deed to the castle and remark about their trips there to a hapless Mary Worth. Mary will never divulge that during this story arc with Toby, she’s been off with an Argentinian soccer coach named Raul and Dr. Jeff having a menage a trois in the Bum Boat beneath the singing fish.
Jenny
August 28th, 2008 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

But where’s Mike in all this??
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

#151 Bootsy – Aw, many thanks, but I am a mere civilian; the “Commodore” in my username refers to the computers, of which I am a fan.
Uncle Lumpy
August 28th, 2008 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

#155 cj –

MOS Technology rules! Ask me about my KIM-1!

When you’ve got a couple (more) free hours, that is.
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

# 152 Allie Cat — I refuse to believe that Caine time is irretrievably lost. I have just had a cosmic revelation that time spent on the Anthony Caine bio can be redeemed if one also spends time at enormoushop.com. The hilarious brilliance of the second site neutralizes the ghastly sick-makingness of the first, by relaxing the nervous system, unclogging the arteries, reducing cortisol levels, and adding to the total lifespan. So there, Foobsite!
gh
August 28th, 2008 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

You people should be ashamed of yourselves! Didn’t your mothers tell you that if you can’t say something nice about someone you shouldn’t say anything at all? I, for one, think Anthony’s — I mean, Lynn is just — Okay, didn’t your mothers tell you not to look down on those who are less fortunate than you? But I guess, technically, that doesn’t apply to you unfortunates who actually read the Anthony bio. Carry on.
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

#156 Uncle Lumpy – No kidding? Sweetness!
Al of the Christian Single Jungle Patrol
August 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

Zits: I don’t know what’s worse, the shot of Jeremy’s underwear in panel 2, or Pierce in panel 3…
Old School Allie Cat
August 28th, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

#157 – Poteet – Ahhhh Enormoushop….Pretty Porpoises, take me away!
Oddball Cargo
August 28th, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

I know this is an awful question, but how can someone forget using a credit card to make a purchase when the purchase itself took two weeks of inner-monologuing?
Anonymous
August 28th, 2008 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

I think I’ve finally realized what it is that bothers me most about FOOB. Besides its general failure at having tolerable characters or plot.

I will confess, there’s a general trend in life that children tend to take after their parents. But FOOB has taken this to new extremes, where children follow too closely in the footsteps of their parents and marry people that are far too familiar, due to striking similarities with their parents. Freud would have a field day.

At first, I thought it was limited to just the Patterson clan, where everyone is so… vanilla. There’s a sort of boring purity and sameness to them all, to the point that I suspect inbreeding. Except it can’t be inbreeding, because they somehow manage to find fresh blood like Anthony that evolves into the Patterson template. So it’s probably more like a virus. Anyway, you could make an argument for April, maybe, but those other two kids grew too much into the mold of their parents. Elizabeth especially, I’d say, with the website admitting that one of her goals was to marry someone just like her father. Creepy!

But now we see, looking straight into the gaping horror that is the tale of Anthony, that it’s a pattern. Anthony is just like his father. Anthony married an underdeveloped cutout of a woman who we are assured was evil (read: not like a Patterson) and eventually left to pursue a more fulfilling life, just like his mother did. And then, after that heartless woman left, he found and married an angelic saint (read: a Patterson) who upheld the traditional household and its values, just like his father remarried that other woman I was skimming too much to recall the name of. He lived the exact same life his father lived.

Look. I know there’s genetics and environment and all that involved in raising a child, but Lynn Johnston needs to get it through her head: children are not always identical duplicates of their parents. They are remarkable little individuals made from a DNA soup that get to form their own identities and personalities and preferences. They are not predestined to marry the guy who seems most familiar and comfortably similar to their own parents.

In fact, biology suggests that we tend to fall more for people who have DNA that is as different as possible, in order to keep the genetic diversity up and prevent the pitfalls of inbreeding. This is why almost everyone but Lynn Johnston says, “opposites attract”.

Then again, I probably wouldn’t be bothered by it quite as much if I weren’t horribly afraid of growing up too much like my own parents, or friends with people who have put up with the worst kinds of people. Many of us are working to become the people we want to be, even – no, especially if that means following a better path than the example set for us.

Good riddance, FOOB. May your strip be torn off the pages of newspapers everywhere, and replaced with something that generates the same amount of interest with none of the loathing.
chl
August 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

#163

Obviously you don’t love things enough. Things or people. You need to love everything in life and stop complaining. This will be made plain to you when the read the strip on Saturday. Please read it and then shoot yourself in the head.
bats :[
August 28th, 2008 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

I am in awe of the stalwart folks here who gritted their teeth, girded their loins (and we take girding our loins pretty seriously around here, buckaroo), and dove into the abortion that is Asshathony’s Bio. I walked away from it. Bev, all the Big Boys and Big Girls who write fan-fic (and that’s what your thing is, not an epic, not prose for the ages) and post it on-line usually have the the stuff in their BB and BG Pants to be willing to ask for construction criticism — when you’ve been Touched by the Creatrix, I guess you don’t need anything like that. Thank Josh for this blog!

So a big Opus Pthth! on you. More ominous things await:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2806898134/sizes/o/
Darkefang
August 28th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

Archie: Jughead’s probably onto something here. I can imagine either Veronica or Betty waking up in the morning disoriented, unable to recall the events of the previous evening and smelling like Archie, then spending the rest of the morning in a scalding hot shower, gently weeping as they scrub off their top layer of skin with a Brillo pad.
bats :[
August 28th, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

And after all the glurge at Coffee Stalk about “I’ll miss you soooooooooooooooo much! after reading you for X number of years!”, I’m really, honestly saddened by the end of the current story-arc in “Foob’s Paradise.”

Yeah, I’m looking at you, CDS!
Vakar
August 28th, 2008 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

9CL: Am I supposed to get an erection at this? Or am I just sick?

A3G: Margo is the anti-Lama.

FBoFW: Looks like someone told Lynn what ‘meta’ is. Thank goodness she doesn’t understand it!

MW: At this rate, it will be 2010 before Toby figures out what happened. Is this the worst MW plotline ever?

Monty: Hmmm… Maybe there’s a little Type-A Man in all of us.

RMMD: “Worth my while, eh? Let’s see… with your birdlike build, I think you can make yourself look like a 14-year-old boy. But will your knees support your weight for ten minutes? Five?”

SF: The best description of ~~junior high~~ middle school EVER.
T. Chicana
August 28th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

Special thanks to commodorejohn and others who created a “safe” environment for me to read parts of the Assthony bio. I could NOT have gone there alone with my delicate stomach.
AhClem
August 28th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

#131 commodorejohn -
Awesome summary! And thanks for taking one for the team by wading through that ocean of drivel so we don’t have to.

“Anthony liked to visit Max’ store sometimes, just to watch him pin and tuck and pat a suit onto a customer until it fit smooth and sleek as a glove.”

And now we know what Rex Morgan’s original name was, and what he did before becoming a doctor and entering the Witless Protection Program.
Anonymous
August 28th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

#164

But I do love things! I just happen to love things that are completely different from my father.

…

By ‘things’ you mean ‘men’, right?
car
August 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

EnormousShop now redirects you to this site if you’re not Toby. :)

As for FOOB, I went to a wedding where the grandparent was in the hospital, and know what? The entire wedding party went to the hospital during the reception. Everybody. So Shut Up, Ellie won’t go because it would look bad.
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
August 28th, 2008 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

Josh, what an awesome, awesome week! First Ces’s shout out in Sally Forth, and now Rifftrax! All I can say is, Ohh, Josh! /Laura Petrie voice

Regarding Kirk and Spock, recently I engaged some folk of a certain age in a discussion about whom was hotter. I was soundly outvoted as I allowed that Kirk was über sexy when he’d get in fights, get his shirt torn, and get that little smear of blood on his mouth. Uh, that sounds funny… Really, I wanted to be Kirk, not do him. I think. Um, have I revealed too much? Anyhoo, the others asserted that since Spock was the challenge, and had the strength of seven human guys, he was most hot. Ipso facto.

#39 Poteet:

And while I’ve somewhat recovered from reading that entire Blanthony bio, I still haven’t recovered from “sweetly intense and very private passion.” I may be scarred for life.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heh! I’ve been away, and had no idea that FOOBCorp had squeezed out a Blanthony bio. I hereby resolve to read it. Maybe even print and annotate it. Just… not yet.

#105 Calico:

“Chicks love a guy who can dance. Just show ‘em a few twirls and a dip, and you won’t be able to beat the babes off with a stick.”

I rather suspect that Anthony lacks the mad skillz to beat the babes off. Just sayin’.

#153 Dingo:

The only way to redeem this would be for Liz to announce to Grandpa that she’s joining the Jungle Patrol.

Heh… I wish!
Melissa
August 28th, 2008 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

AWESOME!!!! I’m so thrilled to know about this, and especially one with you in it. You’re the funniest.

BTW I was once in a movie, had a pretty big role actually, that never went anywhere, and I live in total dread that it will show up on MST3K someday. Hopefully not before I’m dead.
Al of the Christian Single Jungle Patrol
August 28th, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

Luann — Am I the only one who looked at this and recalled The Simpsons’ pilot episode — “Ow… quit it!”
Jude
August 28th, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

#130 – May I add a: “LYNN JOHNSTON YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN GRUBBY PAWS OFF MY BALLROOM DANCING” to your excellent summary?
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

#174 Melissa – Really? Do tell!

#176 Jude – Be my guest. Really, I think just about anybody who engages in any of the activities mentioned in that…thing ought to be offended.
Calico
August 28th, 2008 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

#158 – We are not just unfortunates, we are “Les Miserables.”

Bllaaarrgh.
Niall
August 28th, 2008 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

MT: If Friday or Saturday we have the spectacular sight of Mark Trail right-fist-of-justicing rocks away, it will all have been worth it. I’ll even print it and put it on my wall. At work. With a caption: “The Epitome of Awesome”.

Yesteryesterthread

Bats :[ on last wedding attended: I actually don’t specifically remember if it’s the last I went to, but about six years ago I went to a friend’s wedding – and as they were wiccans, it was bound to be non-traditional.

The ceremony was on public grounds, in an urban park (the arboretum of the Experimental Farm in Ottawa) well-known for weddings; this one however was not in the main section but under a big tree across the road and (literally) down a bit; shady, breezy, comfortable. The handfasting, presided by an officiate who had legal binding authority in marriage, was about half an hour long, very much from the heart, and most intimate for the two dozen or so there.

The reception was in two parts – the first for immediate family and close friends, to which I was not invited; the catering, cake cutting, registry signing, all the boring official parts. I came in a little later after those of us not invited got our own supper, in the small room rented at a suburban small Best Western. It was fun, the wedding party was playing boardgames (of the likes of Settlers of Catan, not Monopoly), card games (Magic, not hearts), and a small space was put for dancing. The DJ knew me, put in Rasputin by Boney M, and the groom later said the entertainment I provided was the best gift I could have given. :) :) And I was completely sober… To this day, a mutual friend is still annoyed at herself for missing it, as she was out smoking.

I’m hoping for as much fun when I have my self-birthday party next year, also renting a hotel function room for the 50-odd people I expect to show up (I’m inviting more, but many are out of towners with limited means).

Angry Kem: Your Foobs in Foobville entry was a total gem!! (Yes, I’m late.) Fantastic, in perfect metre, and completely recitable. In light of my reading of comics titles, I’m sorely tempted to record this too… Oh crap, you did the song too! (looks at timecodes) Did you do that in half an hour?? Now I want to go to Toronto and give you a big hug on behalf of all the mudgeons!! …Well, I am going to Toronto in a few weeks… :)

I am now very, very glad to have caught up and not skipped comments – to think I would have missed this wonder of wonders of snark! I’m bummed Josh didn’t give a link to it.
Mr. O’Malley
August 28th, 2008 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

This is NOT the comic strip character after which I named myself!

This is THE O’Malley!
dreadedcandiru2
August 28th, 2008 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

#131 — commodorejohn : Is it any wonder the people of the Foobiverse call her StaLynn? If she could somehow have made Therese herself vaporise, she would.
Aramael
August 28th, 2008 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

I want to be happy for you. I really do. You’re a funny guy, and I read your blog daily, and I laugh a lot.

But. But I have just been watching the free samples on rifftrax, and — it was just like watching a movie with friends who think they are much funnier than they really are. Ian Holm also played Bilbo in Lord of the Rings? The laughter consumes me! A mermaid turns up in Beowulf, so we’re having sex with mermaid jokes. Battlefield Earth, which should have been such a gift, but dreadlocks, Noel Coward, and Pulp Fiction?

Let me reiterate — when you said you were doing rifftrax, I emailed myself the url so I could watch it in the comfort of my apartment looking over a beautiful canal, and I even made plans about which ones I was going to buy. Perhaps my friends are too witty and I’ve been spoiled.

That sounds really elitist, doesn’t it? I’m sure I will grab Spiderman 2 because I love your work.

(PS: this is how to skewer a movie: http://www.imdb.com/Reviews/17/1745)
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
August 28th, 2008 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

AhClem and mere cog: Thanks for the advice way back when on cross country Amtrak travel. I just returned from my trip, and I’ve got to say, even without a sleeper, it was a hugely enjoyable way to travel. I enjoyed seeing the country’s original infrastructure, and traveling through river valleys and mountain passes, rather than just hauling ass in a straight line on the interstate, or being crammed in tiny airline seats with other unfortunates.

I’ll do it again in a heartbeat, whenever I have more time than money.
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

# 173 Spotted H0rse — I like you. I feel a deep need to say that now, before you embark on the Anthony bio. I’m not saying you won’t survive it. I’m just saying that I don’t really feel I can take your survival for granted. So Spotted H0rse, once again, I like you. I’ve always liked you. And *sniff* good luck.
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

#182 Aramael – The tracks are actually a lot wittier than the samples would suggest; try Eragon and you’ll see what I mean. They need to pick their excerpts better, basically.
bats :[
August 28th, 2008 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

174. Melissa: awwww, come on, tell us what movie you were in! (Considering my taste in movies — which is NOT BAD, merely eclectic — it might be on my Top 10 list!)
keru_shiri
August 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

Long time lurker coming out of the woodworks to say, wow! I look forward to seeing this! Heck, I didn’t even know about RiffTrax until your post!
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
August 28th, 2008 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

#184 Poteet: Oh, gads, I’m not sure I can get past the “Eight is Enough” worm’s eye view of the Denizens of Foob. The horror, the horror!

I may yet lack the intestinal fortitude required to read the Blanth Screed… hell, I never even made it through Warren’s Story. Let me make a couple more contributions to society this afternoon, before I set out on this odious task. Then, we shall see.
Ms. Honeystump
August 28th, 2008 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

Holy crap, that’s awesome. How in the world did you get this?! So jealous! And you get to sit in the one and only Mike/Joel spot! WOW.
SchrodingersDuck
August 28th, 2008 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

Apparently, Plugger bifocals are blurry enough that the reader can’t make out the punchline. Just as well, since they used that exact same punchline just a month ago.
Niall
August 28th, 2008 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

MC: I think “Go Hunt Yourself” is a very crude swear expression in their world – definitely their version of a four-letter-word. And it passed without a problem through the censors. Ed Power, your Win increases again. :)
Idols of Mud
August 28th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

I know this is very late, but Josh’s “black Orville Redenbacher” joke from earlier this week is one of the funniest things I’ve read on this site.
4EvahFan
August 28th, 2008 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

138: rich — thanks a whole helluva lot for posting the Blanthony Bio link. I clicked, against my better judgment and read, really against my better judgment. I was reading all the mundane and ridiculous details of the life of the world’s most boring guy for what seemed like a while and I looked at the position on my scroll bar — Good God, I’m going to be here for freakin’ forever reading about his longing for middle school Elizabeth and his crappy family. I’m done. I know how it ends, and it ain’t pretty. Now I need to go drink some ginger ale to settle my stomach.
Sheila Sternwell
August 28th, 2008 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

#145 Matt – What am I looking for in the code? I’m unable to find the extra awesome. I need some extra awesome today, Matt. Do not tease me like this.
CanuckDownSouth
August 28th, 2008 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

Bats-167 Well, maybe I’ll have some time to put up some more epilogue vignettes like the ones posted today. Goodness knows, if LynnCo does the awful retcon-a-rama we’re all expecting, I will certainly have the impetus to want to.

Heck, I could need to draw for years to get rid of the effects of the excepts from Anthony’s bio dissected here.

Anybody notice that the Ghost-who-gets-sand-in-delicate-places was hanging out with another ghost, by the looks of it? I think I called this Scooby-Doo plot waaaay back.
Baka Gaijin
August 28th, 2008 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

Beetle Bailey: Shout out to the CC–Beetle’s getting a prick in the ass. Usually it happens off screen, though.
Cheeky Wee Monkeys
August 28th, 2008 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

I spent a good portion of Anthony’s bio advising him to kill himself. Does that make me a bad person?
Maughta
August 28th, 2008 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

OMG, this is the coolest thing since, well, since something cool. Congrats. Can’t wait ’til it comes out!
Islamorada Girl
August 28th, 2008 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

197: Cheeky: No, that makes you Comic Book Guy’s rare Mary Worth where she advises a friend to commit suicide.
Except Wimpthony is nobody’s friend, not even Mary Worth’s.

I vote he lock himself into Elly’s Crevasse, stuff up the exhaust pipe and turn on the engine in Gordo’s Garage.

It beats a lifetime of picking up cheap hookers at accountant’s conventions and paying them to listen to his sad story about how nooooobody loooooooves hiiiiiiim and he has no hooooooome, which is what I see in his near future in my crystal ball.
Jana C.H.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

Canuck Down South–

I have Foob’s Paradise on my Bookmarks list and keep checking it to see what’s new. Don’t give up yet.

And if I could draw as well as you doodle, I’d call myself an artist. Without air quotes.

Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith WSG: It is easy in elegant diction to call it an innocent fiction, but it comes in the same category as telling a regular terrible story.
Aramael
August 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

#185 Commodorejohn: well, if you say so — but if the Battlefield Earth track doesn’t make me laugh more than the original movie did, I’m coming after you for my three bucks!

The internet: making all of us demanding and cheap.
Veronetty
August 28th, 2008 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m too ADD to get through all the comments and far too intimidated to try and post anything witty enough for this crowd.

But I LOVE MST3K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mind is blown. Congrats Josh and I can’t wait to check out this whole crazy RIffTrax phenomenon

#42 – That might be my favorite MST, at least it was when I was 12 … need to watch it again

#66 – LOL
Poteet
August 28th, 2008 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

Foob — I said I was through commenting on Anthony’s bio. I lied.

Anthony: Liz, I’d like you to meet my sister Abby!

Liz: You have a SISTER?!

Anthony: Sure! Haven’t I ever mentioned her during the many years you and I have known each other and confided in each other about everything in our lives? Oops. Sorry. Abby and I are very close, actually. I used to babysit her every day, and her birth kept my stepmother from going bonkers.

Liz: Clarisse is your STEPMOTHER?!

Anthony: Sure! Haven’t I ever mentioned that during the many years you and I have known each other and confided in each other about everything in our lives? Oops. Sorry. She’s the new mother Dad gave me as a post-camp present, after my biological mother abandoned us and took off for Europe.

Liz: You have a biological mother in EUROPE?!

Anthony: Sure! Haven’t I ever mentioned her during the many years you and I have known each other and confided in each other about everything in our lives? Oops. Sorry. She was a fashion model who used to rant about organic flax bread. Drove my father crazy.

Liz: You have a FATHER?!
AhClem
August 28th, 2008 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

#183 Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed -
Glad to hear your trip went well. Amtrak really is a great way to travel and see the country.

However, you seriously need to reconsider your plan to read the Blarghthony bio. Really. Read commodorejohn’s excellent summary (#131) instead. Reading it will be like repeating your cross-country Amtrak trip, but instead of the train, you’ll be riding a rickety school bus with exhaust leaks, busted springs, broken windows, and three dozen pre-teen boys fresh from a 2-week camping trip who hadn’t showered yet.
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

#203 Poteet – Well, see, you’re assuming that he would be functioning like a normal human being. But when you start associating with the Pattersons, all contact with non-Pattersons gradually ceases. It’s like Scientology, only with butter tarts instead of billion-year-old alien souls.
Dagger
August 28th, 2008 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

Congratulations on the Rifftrax gig! That’s awesome! Mitchell!
Red Greenback
August 28th, 2008 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

Flax Of Our Bread: The Legend of Anthony Caine.
blammers66
August 28th, 2008 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

Any bio that begins “You ate all my organic flax bread!” is destined for the Bullwer-Lynton hall of fame.

Oh, and Blandthony – no need to have Elly tell the guests that you’ll be late – no one has yet noticed you’re not there.
Angry Kem
August 28th, 2008 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

#179 Niall: Well, if you can do a good Boris Karloff (and considering the deepness of your voice, I wager you can), I suppose I am morally obliged to double dog dare you to record the Seuss parody. Also, of course, that would be awesome.
boojum
August 28th, 2008 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

I tried, Lord help me, to read that damned bio. I kept flashing on Oscar Wilde:

“One would have to have a heart of stone to read the story of little Anthony Caine without laughing.”
Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
August 28th, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

RMMD:In the last panel of today’s Rex Morgan when he is being propositioned by the wizened one, it seems to me that the distance between his right eye and his nose is off. There seems to be too much space between the corner of his eye and his nose. It’s a mistake I’ve made before. I usually am lucky enough to paint it out and start over. If I had done it and have it seen by millions, I’d be embarrassed. On the other hand, millions might not even notice, but if I did it, it’d drive me crazy.

Of course there’s plenty to be embarrassed about with Rex Morgan, but it’s usually not the drawing…
blueberrygrrrl
August 28th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

#203 Poteet: Perfect! Love it.
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
August 28th, 2008 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

#204 AhClem:

Reading [the Blarghthony bio] will be like repeating your cross-country Amtrak trip, but instead of the train, you’ll be riding a rickety school bus with exhaust leaks, busted springs, broken windows, and three dozen pre-teen boys fresh from a 2-week camping trip who hadn’t showered yet.

…and who had also been eating two weeks’ worth of Elly’s cooking.

I have been well and duly warned.
Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
August 28th, 2008 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

Josh–congrats on the Rifftrax! I’m also a fan of MST3K. When I was in college in the early 1980’s my friends and dorm mates would go down to the lounge and snark on bad sci fi movies late at night. Any one who was ever a Berea College student back then knows there’s not much else to do on a weekend night…

Who knew you could make money snarking on bad movies?

Regarding the original and still the best IMHO Star Trek, I always wanted to be Captain Kirk, but being the kid in high school who got picked on without mercy, I tended to have a lot more of Mr. Spock’s stoicism to get through. A dry wit was usually lost on those imbeciles. I built a ton of those AMT model Enterprises and drew and painted what seemed like a ton of Star Trek art. James Doohan ended up with one of my Enterprise paintings in the mid 1980’s which is about the time I stopped doing Trek art and focused entirely on the neo-Victorian/English Pre-Raphaelite inspired painting I do now.

Sometime I should get that old stuff out and have a look. It’s probably worse than I remembered.
commodorejohn
August 28th, 2008 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

#214 Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division – Holy cow, I used to have the AMT Enterprise model. Unfortunately, I got it half-finished from someone else, and they’d done a pretty terrible job with it, so I kind of just barely managed to salvage it. I had that thing for years until it finally broke.

And yeah, the original series was totally the best Star Trek.
Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
August 28th, 2008 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

#215 commodorejohn: Those AMT Enterprises had the most ridiculous stands to put the model on. Sometimes, I’d have a pretty decent one put together and then it’d get knocked off the shelf and broken. If I was lucky, I could fix it but there was one model that ended up being the starship Constellation (NCC-1017) from the episode The Doomsday Machine. I used some photos of the doomed ship and took a cigarette lighter to it creating areas for exposed frame work and took the parts out of burned out vacuum tubes for the damaged warp drive. It was pretty cool for something done in high school in the 1970’s.

Turned out the original Constellation was an AMT model the modelmaker took a cigarette lighter to….
Orange Doorhinge
August 28th, 2008 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

RIfftrax! Is there one for Battlestar Galactica (the new one)? Cause my husband loves that show, has all the DVDs, and tortures me by playing them 5 out of 7 nights. If only…
PeteMoss
August 28th, 2008 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

I’m late to the party, but I just have to say how incredible fantastic this news is. Fruhuhulingger. Murphy. Corbett. Riffing together for the first time! Excellent decision by the good folks at RiffTrax to tag King Curmudgeon for this most important project. Bravo to all and I look forward to the results.
mumbles
August 28th, 2008 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

The Anthony Foobiography reads like Penthouse Letters for the self-hating, agoraphobic crazy-cat-lady set.

We should serialize it in webisodes and call it “The Edge of Wetness” (when does Carson’s copyright run on that?)
TripeHoundRedux
August 28th, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

Hey Josh,

Great to see you doing a riff, love this site and rifftrax, you should swing by the rifftrax forum (if you’ve not already) and say hello, we’re mostly very welcoming :)
TripeHoundRedux
August 28th, 2008 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

“Orange Doorhinge says:
August 28th, 2008 at 8:29 pm

RIfftrax! Is there one for Battlestar Galactica (the new one)? Cause my husband loves that show, has all the DVDs, and tortures me by playing them 5 out of 7 nights. If only…”

There could be…

http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs
Anonymous
August 28th, 2008 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

This is the way the Foob ends.

This is the way the Foob ends.

This is the way the Foob ends.

Not with a pun, but (still) a bad forced joke.
Pendragon
August 28th, 2008 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

Not with a pun, but with a simper.
tuesy
August 28th, 2008 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

206-Dagger: Haha! My husband and a few friends and I try and slip in a “MITCHELL!” whenever we see someone doing something innocent like drinking a glass of milk.

Because it’s always funny when someone spits milk everywhere when they’ve just been “MITCHELL!!”-ed.

That being said, congrats Josh! This is the first I’ve heard of Rifftrax (apparently I live under a brisge somewhere) and I can’t wait to check it out!
tuesy
August 28th, 2008 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

I live under a ‘bridge.’ I don’t know what the hell a ‘brisge’ is, and I don’t think I want too.
Uncle Lumpy
August 28th, 2008 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

#225 tuesy –

Wise move — mohel trolls can do a lot of damasge.
Red Greenback
August 28th, 2008 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

Josh, the way things are going, Eric Idle and Neil Innes will soon be calling on you to be the fifth Rutle.
Niall
August 28th, 2008 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

Angry Kem and others: thank you for graciously letting me butcher your wonderful words; it took a while, but I did what I consider passable recordings. (Thank you to my friends mead and cider. :))

You can find them here at YouSendIt for the two MP3s zipped together – 1.5MBs. Like, small, but too much bandwidth for my own server. It’s good for 100 downloads – if someone gets an out of bandwith error, let me know; this should have slowed the trickle enough to then put it on my server and be able to not have extra fees. I’ll post the new link then. :)
Amanda
August 28th, 2008 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

That is so completely awesome! It’s like you’re a celebrity now! Think you can get us a discount on the mp3? At least send me an autograph! ******* (those are stars that struck me) :-)
mumbles
August 28th, 2008 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

#197: LOL. I don’t think of myself as a bully, but as I read the bio I had the burning need to repeatedly kick Anthony in the nuts.

I’m on the “you may fear to look, but you cannot turn away” side of the Anthony bio, to anyone who may be on the fence about whether to read it. If you don’t, you miss gems like:
***
“His father turned to gaze at him, with a smile that looked like it had been glued on his face. “While you were at camp, I married again. Your new mother is waiting at the house to meet you.”"

“He made himself a sandwich with cheese slices and pickles, and wandered out to the backyard while he munched on it. It startled him to see his mom there. She was kneeling at the edge of her flower garden, holding her stomach and rocking back and forth.”

“His Dad finally caved, but not happily. He agreed to pay Anthony a dollar less than minimum wage for his work in the future and after much tough negotiation, promised $1000 in back pay as well.”

“Tracey was delighted to see him. “I’ve been trying to do a new business case analysis, but it’s taking me forever. The way this area is growing, Gordon and I think it could use a real restaurant, something with a full dinner menu. We thought it could go on the other side of the coffee shop, where the detailing stalls used to be. What do you think?”"

[Restaurant next to the gas station? Somebody tell the guys at Zagat! - ed. ]

“He thought he had managed to hide his feelings, but Julia saw instantly that something was wrong. Under her determined questioning, he gave up and confided a highly condensed version of his long, hopeless love for Elizabeth.”

***

These, and many more, await you….
Professor Fate
August 28th, 2008 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

The Story of Anthony Caine – duller than flaxbread and how he got to be that way.

God bless everbody who when through that morras of treacle and CYA defensiveness – I’ve seen Manos the Hands of Fate without the Robots, Battlefield Earth 3 times (2 friends just belive me when I said how bad it was) and Bolero – but I would never subject myself to that Hope the recovery time isn’t long.
emby
August 28th, 2008 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

Josh- Congrats on the Rifftrax! MST3K has been a favorite for a long time. I even went to the convention in ‘94 and saw their movie performed live in front of an auditorium full of people! Now I’ve got to get my hands on a copy of Spiderman 2…
Angry Kem
August 28th, 2008 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

#228 Niall: Heh…very nicely done. I’m especially impressed by the way you’ve demonstrated that Dr. Seuss’s whimsical anapests actually work quite well when set to a jig. I wonder if he knew?
John E.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

Josh – Thank you SO MUCH for turning me on to Rifftrax!

I would so totally have your baby if I weren’t a heterosexual male.
Braniff
August 29th, 2008 at 7:56 am [Reply]

Yesterday’s FC: Dolly: “PJ had an Irish accident. He had an O’BAMA MOVEMENT!”
Bloody Bitch
August 29th, 2008 at 8:35 am [Reply]

Wow, Rifftrax! That’s great! I love MST3K. I just watched The Horrors of Spider Island recently and thought that you looked a little like the furry spiders with your facial hair, Josh. No offense of course. Sometimes I think I have the same nose as the guy in Prince of Space.
Trouser Tent
August 29th, 2008 at 11:36 am [Reply]

I’m a HUGE MST3K fan. So huge that I went to see the “Manos, The Rock Opera of Fate.” (btw…several audience members dressed up as Torgo!) So huge that I can quote Puma Man verbatim. So huge that I’ve seen all the shorts.

I can’t wait to hear the Rifftrax. It will likely be the only reason I will ever watch Spider Man 2…
megankoumori
August 29th, 2008 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

You get to be on RiffTrax?! How awesome is that?!
Canaduck
August 29th, 2008 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

OH man, this is gonna be good!!
Tom S. Fox
August 29th, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

And I knew it before you made this post!
Harold
August 29th, 2008 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

Awesome is the word, Josh!
dreadedcandiru2
August 30th, 2008 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

Sunday FOOB: Tomorrow’s strip is a huge wall of text that tells us what happens to our hardy band of Mary Sues in the years to come. The only good news is that April escapes Milboring.

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