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Better burn down the library too, while we’re at it

Dick Tracy, 3/20/13

Sure, Dick Tracy isn’t in favor of puzzle-fixated weirdos robbing the Ren Faire in broad daylight and otherwise hassling the law-abiding citizens of his fair city. But there’s always a bright side to everything! For instance, since The Daily pays a syndicate to run the Jumbler’s daily puzzle, Dick and Sam are well within their legal rights to march down to the newspaper office, smash up all the computers with billy clubs, and then dynamite the presses. This will prevent this criminal from making any further profit from his sinister Jumbles, and if in the process it stops the liberal media from running constant biased crybaby stories about an out-of-control police force running roughshod over due process, well, that’s just an added bonus.

Mark Trail, 3/20/13

Yes, Rod Bassy’s van will be very difficult to find among the literally tens of vehicles parked in this tiny fishing hamlet, considering his name is pained on the side in giant letters and all. Still, it’s fun to watch Mark and Bluegill work themselves up into a frenzy imagining the vigilante violence they’ll perpetrate to cover up their joy at Rusty’s demise.

Apartment 3-G, 3/20/13

My mistake! I thought this guy’s thing was that he hit on emotionally vulnerable war widows, but it turns out he just likes to drop his pants and wave his dick at them.

294 responses to “Better burn down the library too, while we’re at it”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail — The cliche-ish line “…so help me, I’ll…” is delivered with a complete lack of enthusiasm on Mark’s part. Well, at least he was able to put off Rusty’s probable rescue for a few more days.

    Obviously, Mark is phoning it in today. And it’s not like he’s incapable of human emotion. When he reads the ingredients off a box of pancake mix, he reminds me of John Barrymore reciting Hamlet’s famous soliloqoy (To be, or not to be).

    Shoot, the automaton in Wednesday’s strip doesn’t even react to Bluegill’s word balloon smacking him in the face. (Ooo… that’s gonna leave a mark on Trail!)

  2. KreatureFeatures
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    MW: In a shocking plot twist, Tom Soupslurper gives Elinor the lovemaking she so desperately needs, while Beth Bowlcut and Mary cuddle in the corner.

  3. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    Barney Google-’Balls O’ Fire’? That’s something you get from a cheap hook-er.

    A3G-”I’ve brought my own shovel with me.”

    JP-”I’m giving away my money to poor people in Africa.” “What? You’re helping poor people and they aren’t even white.”

    MW-I have to agree with Elinor a bit on this one. Have you ever seen the Romance section of a book store? There must be thousands of Romance novels out there. There used to be a used book store where I live and half of it was full of Romance novels.

    MW 2-”I’m a fan. I just love going into a used and seeing half of it full of romance novels.”

    MT-”I’ll I’ll tie them to a tree and leave them there.”

    MT 2-It must be rather difficult trying to find a van that says ‘Rod Bassy’ on the side in giant letters

    MT 3-”I’ll thank him. I’ve been trying to get rid of that kid for years. You would think he would take the hint with the way I never take him fishing even though I’ve promised him I would.”

    Pluggers-This makes me wonder how old Pluggers are.

    Sally Forth-I’ll even turn to the Great Pumpkin for help.

  4. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    DT-”Sam and I are going to visit the newspaper office. We need to teach about them what kind of stories they can run in this town.”

    Love Is-Being aroused over the thought of her wearing clothes.

  5. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    Sadly, Pop only has one “boy” to show Lu Ann. He lost the other “boy” in the Paris mumps epidemic of 1923-1924.

  6. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan — We already know where this is heading: Milton “Full Throttle” Lotsamoney is about to flame out in spectacular fashion.

  7. Écureuil Écumant
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    DT: $50,000? Bah! What are these “dollars” of which thou pratest? How much is that in florins?

  8. Chareth Cutestory
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    A3G: If this man pulls a skull out of a bag, then chases Lu Ann out of Arlington holding it with arms stretched out in front of him… Well… I can’t even imagine what I would do in such a mind-blowing and perfect scenario

  9. Drewbear
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    A3G “Well, that’s enough about your grief over your dead, dead, DEAD war hero husband. Do you want to go on a date with my still-alive son? Please. I desperately need to get him out of the house.”

    Mark Trail: May I just say that I adore the sheer enthusiasm in that trout’s face in panel two? “OMG IT’S A FLY AND I’M GOING TO EAT IT AND THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!”

  10. pugfuggly
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    DT What’s funny to me is that Dick has already left the chief’s office before saying where he’s going. Best to have plausible deniability, I guess.

    MT “I mean, I suppose we could keep looking for Rusty and the van tonight, but I’m a bear if I don’t get my 8 hours of beauty rest. No, we’d best just wait until tomorrow morning and just assume that Rod won’t decide to kill Rusty, hide his body in the woods and take off to avoid a hefty jail sentence.”

    A3G “Gary Powers? No, my husband is this ant crawling across the the tombstone. Just saying good-bye as he heads off to the colony! Good-bye! Good-bye, Ant-Husband! I’ll just stay here and talk to the man who asks the stupid questions!”

  11. Écureuil Écumant
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Funky Tumorbean: I dig your motto, pal, but there’s two “G”s in “FUGGIT”.

  12. Tom Allen
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    They were married on the day he shipped out? Boy, anything to avoid a wedding night with Lu Ann.

  13. Alice
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Luann: Clumsiest. Innuendo. EVER.

  14. tb4000
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    JP: “I’m not in trouble…quite the opposite. If you were here you’d see my taut erect nipples that showcase my happiness and…..well, you’re always asking about nipples, I just figured I’d beat you to the punch this time.”

  15. Écureuil Écumant
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    H&L: And now that it’s spring, it’s time for all those necrotic leaves to fall off the Flagstons’ plague trees and smother Hi’s lazy ass.

  16. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (Y#334): 9CL: Wasn’t a key part of this story arc the fact that Sven is a bit stupid?

    I don’t think we are supposed to believe he is stupid. I think all his behavior is supposed to be “typical male who turns into a 13YO when in the presence of an adult woman” fare. This is going on to week two with “Sven stammers and loses all motor coordination because Fleurry is wearing a tight dress” as the punchline of every strip.

  17. Marc
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    9CL- BOOBS! Ok? He thinks you have great cans. That’s what he’s trying to say. Of course being in a McE strip, he’ll use a euphamism for it that hasn’t been spoken since Elizabethan times. But he’s definitely rambling about your jugs.

    A3G- “Do you want to see my boy? I have him tied up in the back of my van.”

    Mark Trail- “If he hurts Rusty, so help me…. I’ll write him the most wonderful thank you card and get him a $50 gift card to the T. Rading Post.”

    Mary Worth- Why isn’t Mary’s impure thought alarm going off? It’s pretty obvious that Tom is only trying to get into Beth’s monochromatic pants suit and undo her chastity belt. Why else would he pretend to like and be inspired by romance novels? And shitty ones at that.

    Funky- Only hidebound literalists are restricted by genre.

    Luann- Just buy her a vibrator and be done with it. Nobody is going to want to get involved with a chick who has that much of a self righteous rod up her ass.

    Cranky- She really had to call the tv station to get the weather report? REALLY?

  18. Écureuil Écumant
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    JP: Man, I bet Neddy’d just looove her some of those Lululemon yoga pants…

  19. Mumblix Grumph
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    DT: What kind of computer screens are they using in the second panel? Why is there a dog on the bottom one? What the hell is going on? It’s a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!!!!!!!!!

  20. CanuckDownSouth
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    Has Mark Trail ever been told that police help with human problems, not just dognappings and bird-band cover-ups? His complete inability to entertain the idea of going to the authourities is making me think we’re in a pocket of Slylock Fox world, and Trail’s trying to stay away from the giant owl judge’s court because they would never help any 2nd-class hairless monkeys anyhow

  21. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    JP – Another case where panel three was clearly put together by first drawing Neddie naked, then painting some stripes across her chest.

    It’s a good thing she has those thunder cannons primed, though. “Well, I wanted to explain how I’ve been blowing through 10 grand a week, so I bought surprise round-trip intercontinental first-class tickets for me and some random friend so that we could fly here and ask for more money in person” woud come across as entitled and alienating if we weren’t discracted by thoughts of coming across something else.

  22. Ranger
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    3G: This is the most surreal thing I’ve ever read. I kind of think that this man is going to be “Gary Powers” father though and not the gravesite flasher we are all hoping for. Either way, LuAnn will be completely confused.

    Pibgorn: Was it an accident that the placement of Dru’s thumb creates the illusion of an aureola? Since this is Pibgorn I’m going to say no.

  23. pugfuggly
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    ASM His ‘aura’? Is that the kind of new-age bullshit Spidersense is built on? Hmmm…I’m sensing hostility from Kingpin’s aura, let me just confirm it with this crystal skull and my tarot cards….

    Crankshaft I always thought that if Cranky went down, it would be in a blaze of glory. Turns out I was half right….

  24. Ed Dravecky
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Tom Batiuk says, “Frankie [...] the guy who got Lisa pregnant — returns. In the return of that story we deepen the teen pregnancy story and say that it was a little more than just youthful indiscretion on Lisa’s part. There was some coercion involved and it’s like a coda to Lisa’s Story.”

    Oh no. Hell no. So now St. Lisa only got pregnant because she was “coerced”? He’s going to retcon in a date rape to this…. no. I’m done. Goodbye forever, Funky Winkerbean.

  25. Perky Bird
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    @Mumblix Grumph (#19): Dick and the Chief are standing in front of their Pole-O-Criminals, highlighting the most wanted villains of the month. On top is the Jumbler, of course, and number two is the dastardly little fellow known as The Leg-Humper.

  26. Écureuil Écumant
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#23): “His ‘aura’? Is that the kind of new-age bullshit Spidersense is built on?”

    Now, be nice. After coming home one night with oy, such head congestion because of his mask, he was hooked after just one session of ear candling.

  27. Ned Ryerson
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    A3G: That guy looks like a trash humper. Lu Ann’s gonna end up in a root cellar, eating pancakes drenched in Palmolive.

  28. Ranger
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    FW: This story would be more interesting if it was The Prostate Tickler and Flesh Gordon.

  29. lorne
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    The way those fish are trying to get out of the water, I’d say Rusty’s body is already at the bottom of the lake.

  30. Christopher
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: It’s hard to see why Rod Bassy goes to all the trouble of rigging the fishing tournament given the plethora of enormous fish constantly leaping out of the lake.

  31. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Well, now that we’ve recognized each other, here’s some Old Spice. No no, don’t worry. Just use the whole bottle. There’s more where that came from.

    Apt. 3-G: It should not be a surprise to discover that Frank Bolle’s strengths lie in depicting elderly white men, yet it is. He definitely remembers those girls from back when they were pretty, before all this nonsense with Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem.

    Archie: Actually, I think Veronica won The Man With Two Heads, but shouldn’t one of them be Rosie Greer?

    Arlo and Janis: I actually had to stop and think about why Jimmy Johnson was making this joke today. The windchill could hit 11 below here today, and there’s at least a foot of snow on the ground. First day of spring, my…

    9 Chickweed Lane: Unlike many other strips, which I used to enjoy in my youth and now find deliriously, hilariously crapful, I only read this strip and Pibgorn in order to mock them. I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing with my life. Thanks, Brooke, for making me a better man, whether you wanted to or not.

    Henry: Heh. The Vanilla Pastor, that’s me. To put it another way, my inner honky and my outer honky are completely congruent. Oh? What’s that? You were talking about ice cream? Never mind…

    Judge Parker: This strip takes the concept of “reader service” to a whole new level. “Ned, you’re not in some kind of trouble…?” “Of course not. Quite the opposite. Who needs a bra, anyway?”

    Mark Trail: “And if he’s hurt Rusty in any way – so help me, I’ll…” Be ashamed of how much dicking around I did before starting to look for the kid? Give him twenty bucks? Ask Cherry to make some pancakes? Bust the story of his bass cheating wide open? Get “held hostage” in “Cuba” some more? Point out that “Rod Bassy” is ridiculously phallic and piscine at the same time? Remind him that this is/is not a gay bar?

    Moose and Molly: Why are they painting their ceiling black? Are they secretly beatniks or something?

    Slylock Fox: I kept wondering why you couldn’t see the ticks in the picture…

  32. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): The next thing you know, we’ll be hearing that Saint Dead Lisa was conceived immaculately…

  33. LUJBEM FEJF
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Five-O! Five-O!- Thanks for the heads up Josh! We’ve got some “cleansing” to do. Damn!

  34. LP2004
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    MT: I’m not expecting this, given that Rod Bassy and Catfish have a combined IQ well below that of your average planarian, but I’d like to see them confuse Mark and Bluegill by painting ‘ROD BASSY’ on the side of every van in the Small Fishing Village not far from a Nearby City in the Southern Part Of The State. It’d be the bass fishing equivalent of all the identically-dressed men walking around the art museum in ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’.

  35. Marc
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#32): Don’t give Batiuk any ideas. Although I would be surprised at all if he has actually considered it.

  36. Bootsy
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Now that Nehemiah Scudder knows what “turn two” means (even I knew that, and FYI, the infield fly rule is not the big mysterious deal some baseball people act like it is), will someone please tell me what “meet-cute” is? I have a feeling I’m going to be sorry I asked.

    I’ll refrain from wondering what it says about me that I know one and not the other, but y’all feel free to speculate on that if you wish.

  37. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Do you mean Francis Gary Powers, the U2 pilot shot down over the Soviet Union in 1960?”
    “No.”
    “Good, comrade, I won’t have to eliminate you. Now, would you like to see Little Ivan?”

  38. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    MT: This storyline is so painful I’m not surprised Rod has his name “pained” on his van.

    A3G: The Zombocalypse is about to begin. Being brainless, LuAnn will of course remain completely safe.

  39. TheDiva
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    DT: Are there any advantages to having an amoeba-shaped television screen?

    MT: “I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like Rod Bassey…mostly punching. I punch good.”

  40. Binder's Butter Beans
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    I’m confused about Mary Worth. Are we supposed to hate Beth’s mother? Come on, Moy & Giella, give us a hint here.

  41. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#35): The only thing I’ll say in Batiuk’s case is that the Funkyverse is set in Ohio, home of Steubenville…

  42. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#36): “Meet cute” means “have a good story about meeting one another.” It’s Hollywood-speak, I think.

  43. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MT – I’ve heard of Moose Flies, but whatever type of insects those are flying around in panel #2 have Moose ANTLERS!

  44. Lurker Bob
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    MT: Here is a fun game. Let’s complete Mark’s sentence in the third panel.
    “If he’s hurt Rusty in any way – so help me I’ll…”
    1) Never have to dodge fishing trips with him again.
    2) Never have to see that grotesque, misshapen troll again.
    3) try to act sad.

    On a side note, it is good to see that the talking fish ass from panel two is volunteering to help with whatever Mark plans on doing.

  45. Mibbitmaker
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    LUJBEM FEJF, RUN!!! Run and hide, there’s a rogue detective with a chin like a hatchet blade out for vigilante justice! It’s about that nut posing as you! Wait’ll the heat dies down…

    MT: “….then again… an accessory to murder? Over a weird little troll? Nah, I changed my mind, Mark, you’re on your own!”

    Meta: Josh, did Pawnee councilwoman Leslie Knope write today’s post title for you?

  46. Lurker Bob
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    A3G: Deleted scenes from today’s strip: Panel 3: “Here, help me with this shovel”.

  47. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#36):
    “Meet cute” is a romcom term for the accidental first meeting of our protagonists. She is walking a dozen dogs, and they drag her along until she accidentally bumps into the male lead. Or, he is on the subway and is knocked into the female lead, spilling his soda on her coat. For extra credit, the meet cute can be related to the Horrible Secret that leads to the Hilarious Misunderstanding that causes the Painful Breakup just before the Climactic Reconciliation. For example, she is walking the dogs because she is poor. She tries a series of farcical ploys to disguise this fact. The male lead learns the truth when he rescues one of the dogs and tries to bring it by her apartment unannounced. He assumes she isn’t poor, but is just cheating on him, and that the landlord demanding his rent is actually her other boyfriend. This is all resolved at the end when she races to the airport and meets him just in time to prevent him from Leaving Forever.

  48. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    A3G: An attractive young blonde woman has been approached by an elderly gentleman in a cemetery. My money is on his being an opera-singing Nazi. Since Lu Ann has just recently returned from a trip to become better acquainted with her real parents, now it’s time for her to meet her grandfather.

    MT: “We’re going to have to let Rod fish tomorrow and hope that at some point he’ll lead us to where he’s hiding Rusty.”
    “Uh, why don’t we just have him arrested as soon as he shows up at the tournament, and let the police make him tell them where Rusty is? Assuming that he’s still alive, of course.”
    “What??? And not catch Rod Bassey cheating at fishing??? What manner of nonsense are you speaking, man!!!”

    ASM: Just what the hell was peter expecting would happen???
    “Mr Murdock? I’m Peter Parker, and someone told me I should see you.”
    “About what?”
    “Er, about the Kingpin.”
    “What in the world could I do about the Kingpin? Who told you to talk to me about that?”
    “Um, Daredevil did.”
    “How do you know Daredevil?”
    “Er, I mean Spider-man did. Daredevil told him.”
    “How do you know Spider-man? He just got into town.”
    “Uh, I mean Spider-man, whoever he is, told Daredevil, whoever he is, that Peter Parker, whoever that is, should talk to Matt Murdock. whoever that is, about Kingpin!”
    “Why?”
    “Uh, can I just come in again? Leave the window open, please.”

  49. Missal
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    A3G: This old guy must be the father of Toby in Mary Worth (http://joshreads.com/?p=16806).

  50. Dennis Jimenez
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    A3G – Oh, that his son would have been named, Peter, or Richard, but nicknamed Dick….

  51. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MT – “If he’s hurt Rusty in any way – so help me, Ill…”

    “And I’ll help you!”

    “So help me!”

    “I said I will help you!”

    “So, HELP me, I’ll…”

    “Dammit, Mark, I SAID I’ll help you!!”

    “So help me”

    “*sigh!* So, WHO’S on first?”

    “Huh? Um, I think Rod Bassy is on first, followed fifteen minutes later by three other tournament fishing boats…you DID mean the fishing tournament, didn’t you, Bluegill?”

  52. Hibbleton
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MT: is set in a libertarian utopia where there are no cops only vigilante justice.

    MW: I didn’t see this coming. Seems Tom is destined for Elinor -to teach her that love is a dream ‘worth’ having.

    JP: Simply wonderful.

  53. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MT – Apparently Child Protective Services do not exist in the southern part of the state. That or they’ve gone fishing!

  54. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Mark: “If he’s hurt Rusty in any way – so help me, I’ll… have more pancakes to eat!”
    Bluegill: “And I’ll help you!”

  55. Terry in Maryland
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MT: “A child is missing and we’re pretty sure we know who has him. Instead of calling the police, let’s fish in the tournament tomorrow and then see if we can beat the guy up.”

  56. Digger
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MT: “It’ll be tough finding Rod’s van. We might have to drive around for half an hour or so. And you know how busy the diner gets if we don’t get in there early. Best to just leave it till tomorrow. I’m sure Rusty’s just fine. Everyone knows fishing tournament cheaters never kill their kidnap victims until after they win.”

    A3G: Lo and behold, the old man finally found a woman who doesn’t slap his face when propositioned with “wanna see my boy?”

  57. Doctor Handsome
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Bluegill’s posture here is half arms-akimbo, half lazy-lean. I believe they call this stance “The Bisexual Teamster.”

  58. TheDiva
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    New Know the Score is up! It’s time to visit the age-old theater debate: Stephen Sondheim vs. Andrew Lloyd Webber!

    9CL: A mature man would be able to say “breasts,” or a euphemism thereof, without blushing and stammering. A mature and sensible man wouldn’t even be bringing up breasts this early in the relationship, but stick with something more generic like “You look beautiful tonight.”

    C’shaft: Crankshaft’s regretting being an affront to God all those years.

    FW: So Batiuk can’t do metafiction humor either. Good to know.

    Luann: It says a lot about Luann that even the most altruistic person in it is an unlikeable stick in the mud.

    Marvin: Do you KNOW how much sugar is in juice? Brought this on yourself.

    MW: Yes, there’s a place for romance novels in the world…grocery store check-out stands, airport bookstores, the twenty-five cent bin in the library’s secondhand sale room…

    Pibgorn: So, Dru spend the better part of three years knocking boots with the caliph and telling him stories (and having a little side thing with a genie so he’ll provide her with more stories) all so she could reveal herself and kill him for the serial murder of his pervious bedfellows. Which….she couldn’t have done the first night she was with him (or even after she was tapped out of stories if this was a humiliation thing) because…?

    SM: “I have to believe there couldn’t be two people that cripplingly stupid in the world.”

  59. Horace Broon
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    ASM: Newspaper Spider-Man, whose spider-sense can apparently detect everything except danger. Shouldn’t Stan Lee have a vague idea how Spidey’s powers work?

    Crank: “Calling for thunderstorms”, that’s a weird phrase. Like they’re not predicting a storm, they’re trying to summon one, praying to the weather gods that a bolt of lightning will … okay, now I get it.

    JP: Mike Manley is a firm believer in Bill Theiss’s theory that women’s costumes should look like they’re always on the point of falling off.

    Phantom: Does Devil realise that he’s risking himself so Phantom can help the lioness who attacked him?

    RMMD: I honestly can’t tell if Wilson is intentionally presenting this marriage as horrible, so it won’t be as big a deal when Milton dies.

  60. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    MT – “Mister Trail, you have gone WAY beyond the usual lack of parental skills we in law enforcement usually see in child endangement cases. You, Mister Trail, are much more than an unfit parent…you, sir, are a discrace to all of fatherhood and I will see too it that you will NEVER AGAIN have the chance to neglect or emotionally abuse this poor excuse for a child or ANY other child in my area of the southern part of the state! At least not as long as I am the sheriff!!”

    “Look, Sheriff, ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCUSE ME OF FAILING AT PARENTING?!!”

  61. Horace Broon
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24):

    Oh, hell, no. Batuik does DC Comics’ Identity Crisis? It’s the two horrible tastes that taste worse together…

  62. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    DT: “When we see a bunch of guys on the sidewalk carrying cardboard boxes, we’ll know we’re there.”

    MT: “If he’s hurt Rusty in any way, so help me I’ll… What were we talking about again? Oh, fishies!”

    A3G: “Sure. It’s always a comfort to meet a fellow mourner. I’d love to see your—OH MY GOD GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM YOUR ZIPPER!”

    MW: If yesterday Tom Harpman looked kind of studly, today he looks matronly. Mary looks like she’s going to chow on someone’s brain, but there’s precedent for that.

    Archie: The Archie-boil growing on Reggie’s shoulder is not amused.

    JP: When I see the last panel, my first thought is not “young woman talking to her father about money.” Overall, that’s a good thing.

    RMMD: If Milton slows his heart rate down to zero beats per minute, will that count?

    BB: Losers they may be, but Rocky at least looks like he could have a talent for covert wetworks.

    Phantom: The twenty-first Phantom shares much of his methods with the first Stooge.

    6C: Ouch. It’s gotta hurt when you’re the Devil and they change the whole nature of evil without even keeping you in the loop.

    DtM: “But obviously you don’t let parenting interfere with your all-day spa treatments. Well, that accounts for some things as well.”

    Luann: You know, as a man I’d prefer that they NOT talk about boyfriends while chewing on a frankfurter.

  63. Holly Folly
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if the fish in panel two of Mark Trail were listing in, planning there own attempt to save Rusty? Only to learn tragically that Rusty can’t breath underwater. Then Mark will think that Rod had killed him and spark a Dick Tracy like blood bath across the lake. Sadly, it will never happen, and we will have to watch a bunch of old men fish for three strips or so.

  64. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT – “Hi, Cherry and Doc….I’M HOME!”

    (Cherry and Doc): “WHERE is Rusty?”

    “He’s missing and persumed kidnapped.”

    (Cherry and Doc): “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!”

  65. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#59):

    RMMD: I honestly can’t tell if Wilson is intentionally presenting this marriage as horrible, so it won’t be as big a deal when Milton dies.

    And so that Heather doesn’t look too bad when she starts talking about the will reading while they’re still shoveling dirt onto the coffin.

  66. S. Stout
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Luann: The worst part about dirty Luann innuendos is that Greg and his daughter write them together.

    A3G: I’m assuming his boy is dead, but it would be hilarious if he’s an awkward 40 year old just off panel. “Look son, you’re getting a girlfriend and getting out of my basement. We’re going to the cemetery and I’m going to hook you up with a war widow.”

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#58):

    FW: So Batiuk can’t do metafiction humor either. Good to know.

    Now metastasis, on the other hand? That one’s in his wheelhouse.

  68. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#52):

    set in a libertarian utopia where there are no cops only vigilante justice.

    …So, Texas?

  69. Stroker Ace
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    A3G – Personally, I think it is still too soon for a Zombie Charles ‘Sparky’ Schulz.

  70. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    MT – “Mark? Did you hear the latest? The fishermen are all talking about some new secret type of bait Rod Bassy is planning on using tomorrow for the tournament. He was overheard saying it’s some sort of rusty something or other. Whatever it is, they say the fish get into an eating frenzy trying to devour it!”

    “Humph, probably some sort of new KILLER BAIT that mister God’s-gift-to-fishing Bassy has developed to use with that fancy-dancy expensive ROD BASSY KILLER LURE ™ of his! Just you watch, after the tournament is over they will probably be selling the stuff for a premium price down at the T. Rading post!”

  71. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    9CL: “Barettos”

    Lio: *snurk*

    LaCuc: ok, that’s too far even for a KLANG!

    Luann: Bernice deepthroating her lunch, day 2!

    PBS: “winnery” is a perfectly cromulent word. (I expect to see it in the JUMBLE soon.)

    SBp: for Poteet.

    Blondie & A&J share a joke today.

    Bizarro: $9 beer and the bartender has her top on? yeah, it’s Crappy Hour, alright.

    JP: PERK!!!

    SF: *golf clap @ ref*

  72. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . new sex toys

  73. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#45):

    Meta: Josh, did Pawnee councilwoman Leslie Knope write today’s post title for you?

    Took me a minute to get that. I had to take another gander at Josh’s header.

  74. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MT – “Dad, have you seen Rusty?”

    “NO! He’s probably been kidnapped and tied up in the back of some fisherman’s van outside!”

    “MY GOD, Dad, those are the most words to have come out of your mouth at one time in more than a year now! Way to go, Dad! Loks like you may be kicking that senility thing back a notch or two!”

    “On second thought…NO! He’s probably outside!”

    “Then again…”

  75. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#70): The lure works so good Rod is starting a new line of Rusty Lures!

  76. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#52):

    You must have misspoken, I think you mean ‘anarchist utopia’, since libertarians acknowledge the need for a central government capable of enforcing laws against initiating the use of force against others.

  77. Arabella
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): Lisa’s teen pregnancy – I had always thought that there was a subtext of coercion involved since Lisa was a frumpy, non-worldly teen “seduced” by the hot-shot football player. As in “If you want to be my girlfriend, you’ll do what I say.” Maybe Batiuk plans to make it clearer in retrospect that she said “no.”

  78. Mibbitmaker
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Archie: Your Archie growth doesn’t like you talking like that, Reggie. The searing pain begins…. NOW!

    Crank: A garden variety pun? Ed, you’re slipping….

    9CL: An amusing punchline is no excuse for another version of the Edda-Amos schtick!

    Curtis: A middle name?! What a BIZARRE, NOVEL CONCEPT!!! Curtis, your family is really cutting edge!

    FW: And those comic strip genres are enjoyably funny whimsy, and dour, depressing, self-important pablum.

    Garfield: Jon is posessed by Bob Ross!

    HotC: Dean‘s about to have a bumpy face!

    JP: Details, details!
    ….but enough about her front — no… more about her front, please…….

  79. Nehemiah Scudder, Canon Fodder
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#17): He thinks you have great cans… he’s definitely rambling about your jugs.

    Isn’t it odd that the word “can” is an older, but still current, slang term for buttocks, and yet the plural, “cans”, is a newer slang term for breasts? It seems, I don’t know, to lack imagination. Not that slang has to make much sense.

    // Nevertheless, wouldn’t it be fun to attend a film festival, with all the beautiful actresses there, admiring the cans and cans at Cannes? And are the men of the City of Cannes, the Cannes men, primarily can men or cans men, or are Cannes men mainly gams men?

  80. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    JP: This is the sort of physical reaction that characters in this strip always have when they start talking about huge sums of money.

  81. NoahSnark
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Bad guy on one screen, adorable puppy on the other. I just love how Dick Tracy captures the true essence of police work.

  82. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Canon Fodder (#79): …dancing the can-can!

  83. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#76):
    WOW! You are right! …Rusty Lures…The sexiest thing since the cane pole!

    Someone really should let Mark and Bluegill know about this before the T. Rading post runs out of them and they get backordered!

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24):

    Well first of all you always fight this culture that thinks the comics are supposed to be funny. I keep making the argument every chance I get that they were called “the comics” by accident, but people take it as a Webster’s definition in terms of how you’re supposed to handle things.

    Yeah, um, you already had Comic Book John give this lecture, Tom. It was boring and self-congratulatory then, too.

  85. Arabella
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#59): “calling for thunderstorms” – Now that you mention it, that is a strange phrase, although I’ve heard it all my life. I thought it might be a Southern idiom, but apparently it’s used in Ohio, too.

  86. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MT – “Bluegill, I feel a bit thin and unnaturally stretched today!”

    “That’s just the aspect ratio, Mark. It happens sometimes when newspapers set up their photo ready layouts, especially for the comics section.”

    “ass…aspect…Ra…ray-she-o??…Say, WHAT??”

  87. Cotton Candy Beard
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    It’s sad to see the dad From ALF reduced to skulking around cemeteries.

  88. bunivasal
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    “Sam and I are going to go visit a newspaper office…” Man, I often think Dick is on the wrong side of the law. Cliffhanger lines like, delivered while your hat forms a mask of terrifying shadows above your tough-guy square jaw, and your partner lights a cigarette… it’s a classic mobster bit. You can practically hear the snapping kneecaps in the subtext.

  89. Spotts1701
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Arabella (#77): Sadly, that would require us to give him the benefit of the doubt. Given that Batiuk has demonstrated time and again all the subtlety of a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal, I’m not willing to give him much in the way of slack.

  90. Midtown
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    RwO: Ambiguity. Is the doctor comparing the patient’s body to a car that needs a large investment of time and money? Or is he referring to the vintage car he’s restoring and needs the cash to do it?

    My former dentist had a large sailboat. Every time they found that I “needed some work” I assumed that he needed a new boating accessory.

  91. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    MT – “Look, Mark, having a kidnapped kid, especially as many times as YOUR kid has been kidnapped, well, it must be an enormus strain on you. The best thing you can do right now, Mark, is to stay focused so we can solve this terrible thing that you suspect has happened. So, for your sake, Mark. Forget about anything else and concentrate by focusing on what’s most important right now!”

    “You are RIGHT, Bluegill! I will start focusing right now! …Must catch Bassy cheating….must catch Bassy cheating….must catch Bassy cheating!”

  92. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Huskwee pups.

    hipster raccoon.

    tiger momz know the drill.

    sometimes, the friendzone isn’t such a bad place to be. . . .(alt, what we wish A3G was like.)

    slow hugz are teh best. *brainmush*

    otter pup. *brainmushier*

    TDP, Black Lab. darnit, they’re gonna make me count them again this month, aren’t they?

    corgiderp.

  93. Nehemiah Scudder, Canon Fodder
    March 20th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#36): @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#47): Although Dr. Box explains it perfectly well, due diligence requires reference to the relevant essay in TV Tropes.

  94. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MT: If he’s hurt Rusty in any way, so help me, I’ll… Of course, if he HASN’T actually physically abused young Rusty, we’ll just laugh it off over coffee and pancakes. Mmmm, pancakes!

  95. Mibbitmaker
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Actually, El, they’re written by hacks. Don’t fail us now, Elinor! This soppy storyline NEEDS you!

    Really, Elinor seems like she’s about to be ruined, shown to be a bitter loser in romantic endeavor instead of the delightfully cantankerous comedic dynamo we all love. That sounds like Mary Worth (the strip)!

    I haven’t abandoned the Batiuk/McEldowney-style critic caricature theory yet….

  96. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#59): “Calling for thunderstorms” – I was actually thinking the same thing when I was listening to the weather report this morning. And I didn’t read Crank yet.

  97. Government Cheese
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    A3G: Today’s strip is even better when you imagine the old guy saying “Want to see my boy?” with an Alan Alda accent.

    MW: “They are written by dreamers, for dreamers! They’re useless!” Ok, you bag of bones, what “use” are they supposed to serve? Solving world hunger? Answering the mystery of the Higgs-Boson? Finding a cost-efficient way to get to Mars? Because, you know, everyone picks up bodice-ripper novels so they can brush up on interviewing techniques.

    Luann: Again, Bernice has a point. Delta has been on a high horse ever since she accidentally ran into Obama on the Hill. Pitts High School needs another career fair in order to keep their expectations manageable; WeenieWorld is the only employer in the Luannverse.

  98. ReFlex76
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): Ummm, Lisa herself implied Frankie raped her several years ago.

    Oh, and way to downplay rape.

  99. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    FW:
    Lord of the Late: They’re flying in! They’re going to attack me! I’ll probably get around to doing something about that sooner or later! Right now, I must pontificate for another few dastardly minutes as they get closer! And plan! Yes, I will plan a spectacular plan that will send them reeling. I’ll plan the everlasting shit out of them!

    Flash: I can’t help but think that the whole excercise of flying into Lord of the Late’s territory is a collossal waste of time.

    Mopey Pete: Yeah, I can see you’ve been reading our story arcs for the past ten years, Mr. Gordon.

  100. Chip
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    “Is he your husband?”

    “Well, no. Not since he died!”

  101. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    A3G: Want to see my boy?
    Josh: Wave his dick at them

    I just made that connection. Ha ha ha ha!

  102. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    MW: What rotten luck for Beth to be born the daughter of a Utilitarian, but it does explain Elinor’s decision to move to the panoptic prison we call Charterstone.

  103. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is, of course, right. It is an enormous waste of time, since Beth has taken 15 years to write her first one, and she still hasn’t got it published. When it finally does appear in print, it will sell 2386 copies in paperback before being pulped. Meanwhile, she is living with her mother, since she can’t support herself by taking a “real” job. It’s no wonder that Elinor wants Beth to find real romance, get married, and move out of her apartment.

  104. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): didn’t he already do this?

  105. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @bunivasal (#88): “This is a nice newspaper you’ve got, Mr Editor-In-Chief. Yes sir, a mighty nice newspaper. Now we don’t want anything to happen to that newspaper, do we?”

  106. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    the QG has decided to pull the covers over her head and awaken when it actually is spring.

    Tu’i had already come to the same conclusion.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#82):

    A curvaceous young lady of Cannes
    Made a mint by dancing the cancan.
    When she’s strutting her stuff,
    Cannes men can’t get enough,
    Of her gams or her cans or her can!

  108. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    DT, Sam, Mark, and Bluegill should form a vigilante corporation, sort of like Blackwater. With Margo as CEO, of course.

  109. Austria
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Arch: I didn’t think Veronica was naive enough to fall for the ol’ Dick-in-a-Box.

    BB: I’m telling you, one day this comic is just going to be a bunch of abstract shapes speaking in non-sequiters.

    Luann: I know far too many Deltas, so Bernice is really starting to get on my good side. Too bad she hardly ever shows up.

  110. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MT: The whole premise of our suspicions is that Rusty found out that Catfish is scuba diving and putting fish on Bassy’s line. So, Catfish has to go from the van to the lake with scuba gear and a fishtank. So he’ll park close to the water. We can look at a map and cover the two or three spots where the road gets closest to the lake, including the parking lot for the tourney. Or, we can just let Bassy and Catfish keep cheating and leave Rustbucket in captivity for another day.

    Yeah, we’ll do that second one.

  111. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Luann: I have to admit, “Oh My Dog” is an awesome name for a jumbo hot dog.

  112. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Austria (#109):
    BB has gotten rather meta – it’s Rocky the hip artist who’s drawing the strip now.

  113. Government Cheese
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#111): I thought it was the implicit policy of this website not to give any credit to Evans? Otherwise we would be The Comics Apologist.

  114. Red Stripe
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    A3G – “That’s rough, want to see my boy.” That pick up line is not effective. I now the black eye and restraining order to prove it.

  115. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#110):
    But what if the poor little dimbulb has to pee, or worse?

  116. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#97):

    A3G: Today’s strip is even better when you imagine the old guy saying “Want to see my boy?” with an Alan Alda accent.

    It wasn’t a chicken! It was Lu Ann! Lu Ann!

  117. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Mumblix Grumph (#19): A madhouse? The basic premise of the strip is that a banana colored FBI agent and his chain smoking leprechaun solve crimes committed by freaks that name themselves after their deformity.

  118. Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#101): You’ll find this hilarious, then!

  119. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#111): Luann: I have to admit, “Oh My Dog” is an awesome name for a jumbo hot dog.

    Of course, Weenie World sells 98% of them to kids who just want to litter the streets with the boxes, after they’ve used a red Sharpie to add an “n” to “Dog”.

  120. Hogenmogen
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#115): That’s an aspect of being tied up that’s not usually touched upon. Phantom was sitting in a cage for a night, and didn’t poop, either. “Intensity” by Dean Koontz worked the urge to pee while tied to a chair as a plot point, but it took up like 20-30 pages. In the comics, I’ll cut them some slack in the interest of brevity and not immitating “Marvin”.

  121. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#111): Our hot dogs are so plump ‘n’ tasty, they’ll turn you dyslexic!

  122. Dennis Jimenez
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#97): A3G: Today’s strip is even better when you imagine the old guy saying “Want to see my boy?” with an Alan Alda accent.

    I think he got it from that Valsic Pickle ‘toon – who copped it from Groucho….

  123. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Cotton Candy Beard (#87): It’s sad to see the dad From ALF reduced to skulking around cemeteries.

    It’s even sadder to see him skulking around CRACK HOUSES:

    http://cdn01.cdn.socialitelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2005/08/2274_maxwrightforpresident8ew-600×450.jpg

  124. Dood
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Uhm, no thanks, Mr. Broder. My roommate — she’s a public relations expert — has taught me all about how you Inside-the-Beltway types try to cultivate sources.”

  125. Brad
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Might need to check with finger-quotin’ Margo, but “Gary Powers” makes it sound like some kind of a generic name when they can’t identify the body. “Eh, another random sandy haired handsome man with no ID. Just toss him in one of the Gary Powers graves.”

  126. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#119):
    Next, old cemetery man will ask LuAnn “Do you want to see my dog?”

  127. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Brad (#125):
    Maybe his name was actually “Don Draper.”

  128. Old School Allie Cat
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Alice (#13): And somewhere in a dark, ink-spattered room, Gregg Evans has a hard-on.

  129. Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Crank: She just calls up the tv station to get the weather report? Do people do that? Are tv weathermen and weather women standing by the phones to give the daily forecast? Do they know which way the wind blows?

    OBH: Siegfried & Roy only retired ten years ago. Let’s get really nostalgic and call “Bring ‘em back alive” Clyde Beatty.

  130. Marc
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#98): My theory is that dead Saint Lisa was actually a prostitute who specialized in nerd cosplay, and got pregnant from it. She was just to embarrased to admit it and went with a fake date rape story. Only Les was stupid and desperate enough to buy it.

    It’s as plausible as whatever half baked crap that Batiuk will spew out.

  131. Old School Allie Cat
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#98):

    I’m not so sure about this. If you look at the original “Lisa’s pregnant” archives, Lisa says she’d been drinking and they went to the back of Frankie’s van. Whether there was consent or not never came into the story.

    Unless later, when she was telling her story to Darren, she worked it in – maybe she did – but I don’t recall it.

    I don’t think anyone here is attempting to downplay rape.

    It’s plausible that she was a just a teenage girl who had consensual sex with the wrong guy for wrong reasons.

    Given the fact that Batuik loves to emotionally manipulate, a new “twist” to the story would certainly feel like a retcon to me.

    Just my 2 cents. Unless you live in Canada, where you can round down to nothing.

  132. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129): Look out kid, it’s something Crankshaft did.

  133. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Crank: I suspect Pam has called the TV station in hopes of getting a news crew to come take pictures of her Dad’s protest. If we’re lucky, the Mental Health officials will see the news report and have him committed. Of course, if we’re even luckier and the weatherman was right, Zeus will already have solved the problem.

  134. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#107): Nice. You definitely “can” write.

  135. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Actually, today’s Dick Tracy reminds me of nothing so much as the recent reports of Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter (D) threatening a newspaper with investigation and rebuke over what he perceived as a politically incorrect story.

  136. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): I’d be cool, though, if Darrin finally snaps and kills Frankie once and for all…

  137. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#135): *adds foxes to the docweasel list*

  138. odinthor
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Baldo. — Ah, this reminds me of one of my favorite gripes. We sometimes see in weepers on TV or in the movies a character deliver a line akin to “(Sob!) I never had a father to teach me baseball or how to shave. (Sob!)”. Rarely do we see the magical moment when the person discovers that those who did have a father to teach them such things are just as messed up as they are, the only difference being that they don’t have something specific to blame it on.

    That is all. Carry on.

    Bliss. — I enjoy this comic’s occasional forays into complete insanity.

    H&J. — Paradoxically, people who really do know all the answers know that they don’t know all the answers. This is something Albert Camus and I came up with together after a weekend bender.

    Love Is … — . . . Thinking out inventive ways to use her belt-chain tonight!

  139. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#65): Didn’t we already do a “Milton missing in a plane crash” bit? Heather already knows that she gets everything…

  140. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Cool. Is that some sort of award or honor, like Comment of the week?

  141. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    MW 2: “Written by dreamers, for dreamers” would be a pretty marketing slogan for whichever subsidy publisher Beth is using to print Virtue Unleashed: The Wrath of Pamela.

  142. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MT-Looking for Rod’s van will be like looking for Waldo when he is lost in the land of Waldos.

    Archie-Veronica didn’t get any nuts but she would like to.

    A3G-”He was at Antietam.”

  143. pugfuggly
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Digger (#56):

    A3G: Lo and behold, the old man finally found a woman who doesn’t slap his face when propositioned with “wanna see my boy?”

    He’s been trying that same line on every woman he’s met since 1972. Persistence pays off, finally!

    @Mibbitmaker (#95):

    MW: Actually, El, they’re written by hacks.

    Hey, do you think this whole ‘Tom the divorcee’ angle is just a red herring to surprise us when Beth teams up with Chaterstone’s other resident hack to write Love in the time of Sandwiches?

    @seismic-2 (#133):

    Maybe she just remembered that the local TV station is doing a series on dementia in the elderly, and was hoping to score a finder’s fee….

  144. Perky Bird
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#59): Spidey’s powers do work. He routinely demonstrates he has a spider’s ability to detect danger. Which is why I am able to squash the little buggers so easily with a Kleenex.

  145. Jasper
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    MT- Yes, finding Rod Bassy’s van at this small time event would be as likely as winning $10,000 at a small time cake baking event.

    I’m just surprised that a TV station from a city in the southern part of the state is not covering this event live.

    MW- I would have to agree with Elinor on this one. Romance novels are useless and just contribute to creating awful creatures like Mary Worth.

    3G- Did I say my boy, er I meant my boys. Do you want to see my boys?

  146. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#139): You could well be right. It would be funny if he pulled through this time as well, proving himself to have the unlikely resilience of a rich, elderly Rusty Trail.

  147. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#143):

    @Mibbitmaker (#95):
    MW: Actually, El, they’re written by hacks.

    Hey, do you think this whole ‘Tom the divorcee’ angle is just a red herring to surprise us when Beth teams up with Chaterstone’s other resident hack to write Love in the time of Sandwiches?

    She could team up Charley Smith to pen a pseudo-biographical romance called I Rodgered Hammerstein, or perhaps a graphic novel, Art: Of A Sort.

  148. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G-And when in Washington D.C. stop by the beautiful Arlington National Cemetery where old men want to show you where their dead sons are buried.

    A3G 2-”Want to see my son?” sounds like the line a serial killer would use when trolling the cemeteries for victims.

  149. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#144): Area of Affect attacks have always been the bane of “I dodge!” types. want to deal with Spidy? just get a kleenex the size of a city block, and Giganta or somebody equivalent to do the squishing.

    sorted.

    NEXT!

    ;-)

  150. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#147): ” I Rodgered Hammerstein”

    *SNURK!*

    good think I wasn’t drinking anything just now, or you would owe me a new monitor.

  151. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    MT – “MARK! There are more than fifty police crusiers in the hotel parking lot! They say they are having their annual police luncheon today and aterwards they are all going to watch the fishing tournament! This sure is some great news, considering Rusty being kidnapped and all! NOW, once we alert them, there will be HUNDREDS of state and local police and sheriff’s department deputys combing the area to find Rod Bassy’s van and your kidnapped son, Rusty, before it’s too late eh, Mark?”

    “Bluegill, ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCUSE ME OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CONDUCT MY OWN INVESTIGATION WITH MY OWN TWO FISTS!!?”

  152. Nehemiah Scudder, Canonizer of Callipygy
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Canon Fodder (#79):

    Back to the fundamental q. of cans vs. can, surely men of good will can come to the bottom of it all…

    T’was a sailor who once announced “Mateys,
    Do not fleer, or cachinate, please.
    Big jugs are just fine,
    For rum or for wine,
    But I like a gal with big nates.”

    // Oh yes, it rhymes. Look it up.

  153. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    MT – Unfortunately for Rusty, it never occured to Mark or Bluegill that Rod Bassy had his van converted into a SUBMERSIBLE VEHICAL so Catfish can drive it to the bottom of the pond making it that much easier for him to attach the caged big bass onto Rod Bassy’s line. This is bad news for Rusty since only one set of SCUBA gear is aboard and Catfish won’t share the air!

  154. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    MW-Romance novels also present the idea of having sex with guys with taunt rippling muscles and women with supermodel perfect figures and big breasts.

  155. Newby Newman
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#153): That makes sense and also explains why the van has no doors.

  156. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    a Cy&Hap that is SNFBG, but had me rolling on the floor. (prolly nsfw.)

  157. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#149):

    Area of Affect attacks are really more of a problem in a strip such as Nine Chickweed Lane, where two of the characters will sit at a table and obnoxiously meander through their Thesauri, creating a 10′ Cloud of Pretension affectation.

  158. Illustrator Steve
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    MT – Love is….finding no waiting line at the international house of PANCAKES while searching for Rod Bassy’s van.

  159. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    MT-Since Rod Bassy is so popular everyone has painted his name on the side of their vehicles in honor of him.

  160. Ratiocinator
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Garfield: “What’s that, flower? Kill everybody? Good idea!”

    Slylock: So every non-anthropomorphic animal in this forest is a carnivore or omnivore apparently, from the turtles to the rabbits to the deer to whatever the hell is inside that log. After they finish the hot dogs, Slylock & Max are next.

  161. Chip Whittle
    March 20th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24):

    Oh no. Hell no. So now St. Lisa only got pregnant because she was “coerced”? He’s going to retcon in a date rape to this…. no. I’m done. Goodbye forever, Funky Winkerbean.

    Is anyone else honestly surprised Batiuk hadn’t already established Lisa’s pregnancy to have been date rape?

  162. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#161): Is anyone else honestly surprised Batiuk hadn’t already established Lisa’s pregnancy to have been date rape? Or even what Whoopi Goldberg inappropriately referred to as “rape rape.”

  163. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#157): or worse, applying MegaScale to it and causing a Thoraxian Cloud.

  164. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#159): MT-Since Rod Bassy is so popular everyone has painted his name on the side of their vehicles in honor of him.

    Kind of the Dale Earnhardt of bass fishing, eh?

    // When I first moved to Alabama from overseas, I thought Dale Earnhardt was a car dealer, his name was on so many cars and trucks. Later, I discovered that it was a religion.

  165. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#161): He’s probably got a box of index cards detailing issue-oriented retcons, but only uses one when that particular issue starts to dominate the news cycle. Pretty soon we’ll find out that the U.S. government gave Lisa cancer because she refused to sell oil to the Koch brothers.

  166. Gringo
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#154): women with supermodel perfect figures and big breasts

    I would never have described Judge Parker as a romance novel, but there you have it.

  167. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Bluegill: But seriously, we should probably call the cops.
    Mark: Hmmm….Your probably right
    Bluegill: What about Dick Tracy? He’s pretty good.
    Mark: Yeah but no. Too much blood and gore for this strip.
    Bluegill: Yeah, I suppose.
    Bluegill: Hmmm.. Hey! What about the cops from Spiderman? There’s always a lot of em when they show up!
    Mark: No, no. There always too clueless and bumbling. Makes my skin crawl how incompetent they are.
    Bluegill: Yeah, Yeah, hmmm…Hey! What about actually getting Newspaper Spiderman then?
    (long pause)
    Both: HA HA HA HA … HA HA HA HA HAH!!!
    Mark: (Gasp) Oh Man! Milk came out of my nose!. Whew! Good one Bluegill!
    Bluegill: So Sarge and Beetle then?

  168. Ratiocinator
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21):

    JP – Another case where panel three was clearly put together by first drawing Neddie naked, then painting some stripes across her chest.

    Strangely, I am completely okay with this.

  169. TheDiva
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#131): I seem to recall it was mentioned in passing during Act II that Lisa’s pregnancy was date rape (the TVTropes page for Funky Winkerbean supports this, so at least if I’m hallucinating I’m not alone). It’s entirely possible that, in light of recent events, Batiuk feels he hasn’t sufficiently exploi–er, treated this very serious subject with the seriousness it deserves from him as a serious artist who deserves awards, seriously.

  170. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Bassy: Flood tube one!
    Catfish: Tube one flooded!
    Bassy: Trail’s boat coming into range…
    Basssy: Fire tube on!
    Catfish: Rusty away!

  171. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#169):

    I just look forward to seeing Dead Lisa Videotape #583; “So you’ve been reminded that your daughter is the result of my being raped”. I’ll bet Les manages to smirk the whole way through, while surreptitiously masturbating.

  172. Voshkod
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    I can see it now; Dick Tracy lines up a group of his toughest boys to take down the newspaper. “Now remember, boys, we’re gonna bust up the linotype machine first. Don’t breath in the fumes when we burn it – those plates are lead! Then we’ll go for the telegraph, so they can’t warn anyone. They may have one of those new-fangled phones, so be careful!”

  173. commodorejohn
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): And the retroactive entragedying of Funky Winkerbean continues apace! I look forward to the point where we learn that the reason Westview is such a miserable, cancer-ridden hole is because it was built on the site of a mass slaughter of Native Americans by the federal government!

  174. tallyHO
    March 20th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Dick Tracy Double Take:

    In panel two it really looks like that Jumbler fellow is making like Count Weirdly and peeking in on another part of space.

    I guess that is just one futuristic, funky tv monitor and not a hole in the space-time continuum.

  175. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    heart warming story for Poteet.

    (please note that there are tabloid-style links on the page, some may be a bit saucy for work.)

  176. Charterstoned
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#34): Or the equivalent of Tony Curtis starting the chant in Spartacus: I am Thpartacus! I am Thpartacus!

  177. Calico
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129):
    I know, ha ha, there’s this thing called the intergoogles, which Rose, at age 117, has been using for years now to contact banished Nigerian doctors and lawyers.

  178. tallyHO
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @NoahSnark (#81):

    That’s probably not just any “adorable puppy”, it is most likely one of the world’s most notorious terrierists.

    (forehead smack!)
    Waitasecond!
    I recognize that puppy!
    That is the diaboloical Mr. Cuddly Wuddly!
    What mess has he created now?!?

  179. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#173): So eventually, everyone in Westview will have been the product of a rape by a Tasmanian devil with contagious face cancer?

  180. Spotts1701
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#157): What’s the DC on that for a Fortitude Save to avoid 2d10 of brain damage from concentrated smug?

  181. Oregonian
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    A3G: So this old guy is going to turn out to be Eric’s dad, right? And he’s going to show us that Eric is still alive and just staggering around cemeteries suffering from amnesia, right? Right???

    Dammit, A3G, I’m giving you a chance here!

  182. Johnny Q
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Want to see my boy?” He dug him up just for her.

  183. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”Gary Powers? I remember my son talking about a Gary Powers who would not stop talking about this Lu Ann woman he just married. My son said that if Gary talked about Lu Ann one more time he was going to shoot Gary. I wonder if he ever did.”

    A3G 2-”Want to see my boy? He can’t stand living in regular society since coming home from the war and now lives in the mountains. He’s good friends with a nature writer named Mark Trail.”

  184. Old School Allie Cat
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#169):

    I must have blanked on that.

    I’m not saying date rape isn’t serious, or doesn’t happen.

    I *am* saying that there’s nothing wrong with admitting, “Yes, I had consensual sex with a guy who was a complete d-bag, and I regret it, but it was consensual.” As long as that’s the truth.

    And that’s the feeling I got from the old strips.

    If he wants to change the story now to get a super special award, here:

    http://www.buyawardsandtrophies.com/cookie-bake-off-resin-trophy-p-3932.html

  185. Shrug: "Two Eyes Bad, Four Eyes Good"
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#296):

    I can’t remember ever being attracted to a woman who did NOT wear glasses.

    People who don’t wear glasses look . . . funny to me. (Having worn them myself for circa 61 years now.)*

    *Yeah, I know, maybe if I’d taken them off once in a while they wouldn’t have bonded to my skin decades ago…

    ///True story: I once saw a photo taken at a play I appeared in (unspectacled) and literally did not recognize myself as myself until someone pointed it out.

  186. Marc
    March 20th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#183): I knew it! His son is Ranger Tom Martin.

  187. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Multiple Choice Mark Trail:

    “If he hurts Rusty in any way – so help me I’ll…..”

    a) punch him! And I’ll help you!

    b) hit him with a log/stick/bat/camera etc.! And I’ll help you!

    c) tie him and Catfish to a tree and leave ‘em for dead! And I’ll help you!

    d) thank him! And I’ll help you!

    e) not take Rusty fishing! And I’ll help you!

    f) make pancakes and dance a jig! And I’ll help you!

    e) go home for a day before I leave again! And I’ll help you!

    f) other! And I’ll help you!

  188. Alter Ego
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    love is… getting him interested in cross-dressing.

  189. Jim in Wisc.
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24):
    As if terminal cancer, strokes, sheered-off limbs and PTSD aren’t enough, now rape visits the miserably miserable town of Westview.

  190. Gringo
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#189): Solo car date rape?

  191. NonnyMus
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Naturalist, Vigilante, Blockhead.

  192. tallyHO
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    Mark:
    “If he’s hurt Rusty in any way–so help me I…!”

    Bluegill:
    “And, I’ll help you!”

    Mark:
    “You’re a good friend, Catfish Bluegill! See this punching bag I’m punching?”
    Bluegill:
    “You mean the one that we’re punching?”

    Mark:
    “Why, yes. That one. You’re too kind, Bluegill.
    “If I get my hands on Rod Bassy, why I’ll…I’ll do what I’m going to do to this cantaloupe!”

    PUNCH! CRACK!

    Bluegill:
    “You mean this delicious cantaloupe that I’m trying to eat?”

    Mark:
    “That’s the one, Bluegill! Whoops! Are you alright?

  193. Gringo
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#173): And the retroactive entragedying of Funky Winkerbean continues apace! I look forward to the point where we learn that the reason Westview is such a miserable, cancer-ridden hole is because it was built on the site of a mass slaughter of Kent State students by the federal government!

    Wouldn’t this be more Batiukian?

  194. Erich Clapton
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#59): “Mike Manley is a firm believer in Bill Theiss’s theory that women’s costumes should look like they’re always on the point of falling off.”
    You say that like it’s a bad thing. Boy, kids these days. . .

  195. Pope Jingleheimer I (erstwhile Cardinal Shrug)
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#322):

    “The College of Cardinals and maybe even the Pope could be into C programming. It just has to be marketed correctly.”

    C FOR THE HOLY SEE ?

  196. Peanut Gallery
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Drewbear (#9):

    “OMG IT’S A FLY AND I’M GOING TO EAT IT AND THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!”

    Har! And come to think of it, I’m no Mark Trail, but fish don’t really catch flies in midair like that, do they? I thought they just grabbed them at the surface of the water.

  197. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#193): Renton meets Funky: “People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shite which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is that it’s Funky Winkerbean. Otherwise we wouldn’t read it. After all, we’re not fucking stupid. At least, we’re not that fucking stupid.”(are we?)

  198. Jim in Wisc.
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#190):
    And Saint Lisa wouldn’t have gotten preggers if only Frankie had bought a condom out of the vendo in the men’s room.

  199. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129): OBH: Siegfried & Roy only retired ten years ago. Let’s get really nostalgic and call “Bring ‘em back alive” Clyde Beatty.

    Phooey on Clyde Beatty. Most people would want a real man’s man to step in — like Frank Buck.

    It figures that a guy named “Nehemiah” would think “Clyde” is a suitable name for a hero.

  200. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#198): Ehh, Frankie was a selfish bastard back then. If he did go to the vendo’ for a condo’, he’d probably get one that said “ribbed for her pleasure” and turn it inside-out.

  201. bats :[
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Hmmm, not a really inspired bunch of strips today. Looks like it’s time for a good, old-fashioned mashup that’s not indicative of anything…

  202. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Pope Jingleheimer I (erstwhile Cardinal Shrug) (#195): The marketing would be straightforward. Your soul is a block of bytes on the free store. When you die, the Salvation.c program assigns new values to all pointers to your memory, so you will spend eternity in the purgatory of the heap unless offerings are paid to the operating system (POPIX) to write over the hash table and free that space. You can then be re-incarnated as a video game, if you have been good, or as an Excel spreadsheet, if you haven’t.

  203. Shrug Gradgrind
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#102):

    “And forget any poetry nonsense. The big money is in push-pin.”

  204. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#131): Using the “warts and all” approach, it makes Lisa a more sympathetic character to tell her son he was the result of consensual sex. Even if she had to lie to protect his feelings. The alternative would be to burden Darin with the knowledge that he was a RAPE BABY. And that seems a little harsh — even for a Batiuk character.

  205. Harlan Ellishrug
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127):

    Or Cordwainer Bird.

    Creepy cemetery guy: “Wanna see my cordwainer? It does bird imitations!”

  206. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#201): Billiant!

  207. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#206): Brilliant as well!

  208. Dale
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL would be more tolerable if he had a jet-powered flying canoe.
    He has two pet colleagues at home and an animal baby which always needs to be rescued.
    Doc would be the cedar shavings shoveler.
    Cherry is the seldom seen celery stalk deflowerer.

  209. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#204):

    In a town full of deaf band leaders, PTSD sufferers, one-armed teachers who can’t afford tailored shirts, dry drunks, gay students who don’t even have a name to call their own, and people married to Les Moore, being a Rape Baby would at least give Darin a little bit of status and an excuse to hold his head up high.

  210. Alison
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: What an exciting arc this is. “Romance novels are good!” “No, romance novels aren’t good!” “I like romance novels!” “I do not like romance novels!” “Romance novels are a waste of time!” “Romance novels aren’t a waste of time!” (Shampoo, rinse, repeat.)

    “Mark Trail”: Yes, Mark, you should definitely wait until tomorrow to try and find Rusty. Statistics show that strange people who kidnap little kids always keep them alive for days, right? No need to hurry. Why don’t you catch a movie and then go have a nap for a while or something.

    “Luann”: Let’s just change the name of this strip to “Bernice”. She is a much more sympathetic character. “Join Bernice as she continuously puts self-rightous do-gooder Delta in her place, while trying in vain to get noticed by Luann, a misguided airhead who thinks her relationship with a boy in Australia is ‘the real thing’.” Now that’s a comic I’d read. And not just to mock it.

    “Baby Blues”: Wanda’s kids have caused her so much anxiety she can’t get through one grocery shopping trip without passing out from stress. Hardy har. How old is Zoe, anyway? She looks too old for that kind of behavior. She should be able to help her mom by now, not be part of the problem.

  211. Mikey
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#196): Also, trout (which these appear to be) tend to like cold water, whereas bass like warmer water. But as long as Rusty is restrained from talking for another day I don’t care. Hopefully he leaves him gagged at least. “What’s that Rusty? you want to go ‘hhffthing’? Sorry I can’t quite understand what you said. Hang on Rusty, I have to take this call from Bill Ellis!”

  212. Peanut Gallery
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129):

    Do they know which way the wind blows?

    Shucks, you don’t need a weatherman to know that.

    (And why didn’t Wrigley’s ever pick up on the slogan “If you don’t want to be a bum, you’d better chew gum”?)

  213. UncleJeff
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    JP: Introducing today’s guest commentator, the great ABC play-by-play man Keith Jackson:
    “Whoooooaaaaa Neddy!”

  214. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug Gradgrind (#203): Next week on Mary Worth — With Charterstone’s various defectives having been euthanized thereby reducing aggregate suffering in the condo complex, Mary’s utility challenged now that there is no one left for her to meddle.

  215. Buck Ripsnort
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Welcome to “It’s Funny Because–”

    It’s Funny Because. . .

    DtM: Mrs. Mitchell looks much younger than the mother of a 50 yr-old demon-spawn should!

    Marvin Marvin’s parents have been transformed into sleepless zombies!

    Luann: Delta is a Black Role Model, so cannot have any amusing quirks!

    ASM Spider-Man’s spider-sense DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT!

  216. Shrug, Helping Elrod Plod, er, Plot
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Drewbear (#9):

    That IS a happy, well-adjusted big fish, isn’t it? Maybe after the confused assistant villain Catfish scubadives underwater to chief villain Rod Bassey’s canoe and attaches the drowned body of Rusty to Rod’s glowing lure (hey, it could happen, let’s not forget that these villains are even stupider than our alleged hero), Mark could extend the fish motif by just adopting the big fish as Rusty’s replacement? Win-win!

  217. Nehemiah Scudder, Canon of the Belgian Congo
    March 20th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#199): I am flabbergasted, nonplussed, and knocked for a loop! Not to mention embarrassed… Of course Frank Buck was the “Bring ‘em back alive” guy.

    // Still, for that sort of work, Clyde Beatty was no slouch either.

  218. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#201): Good work there.

    "...[N]ot a really inspired bunch of strips today.” Tell me about it! I couldn’t even find the energy to stick Count Weirdly in Love is…, that’s how bad it was!

  219. commodorejohn
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#193): Right! Silly me, for forgetting that only things that happened in Batiuk’s lifetime are important!

  220. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Canon of the Belgian Congo (#217):
    I’m still trying to figure out how Rocky fit “Nehemiah” and “Clyde” together. I mean, Nehemiah is a biblical name and Clyde is a Clyde name. What does one have to do with the other?

    //Maybe I’m overthinking this.

    ///What’s with the Belgian Congo?

    ////No, I don’t want to know.

  221. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    JP: “I’m not in financial trouble. On the contrary – the reason I spent $10K last month was that I used it to get a full-body gold-and-white-striped tattoo, and so now I’ll never need to buy clothes again!”

  222. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Canon of the Belgian Congo (#217): Your brain was probably tired from watching “Africa Screams” with Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Clyde Beatty, Frank Buck, Shemp Howard and Joe Besser.

    @Sequitur (#220): “Congo Bill” was DC’s answer to “Jungle Jim.” And “Clyde Crashcup” was The Alvin Show‘s answer to Richard Haydn.

  223. Peanut Gallery
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#220): According to that unimpeachable source, Wikipedia, “Nehemiah was cup-bearer to the king.” And what was in that cup? Beer. And what’s a popular brand of beer? Budweiser. And what type of horse is featured in Budweiser ads? Clydesdale.

    I know, I know. It always seems so obvious once you hear the explanation.

  224. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#223): Well, duh. So obvious… now!

  225. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    Garfield-Now John is going off to spill the blood of the unbelievers because the flower told him to.

  226. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Trivia from Clyde Beatty’s IMDb entry:

    His favorite meal was Mississippi River catfish, which he never passed up.

    He was an avid fisherman who especially loved deep-sea fishing. He had friends on all three American coasts who would take him out before his circus performances.

    It’s a little known fact that Mark Trail featured Clyde Beatty front and center in the original 1952 version of the current “Rod Bassy” storyline.

  227. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#220): Clearly, Rocky is referring to the book of Nehemiah, Chapter 7, Verses 66-69:

    The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand three hundred and threescore,

    Beside their manservants and their maidservants, of whom there were seven thousand three hundred thirty and seven: and they had two hundred forty and five singing men and singing women.

    Their horses, seven hundred thirty and six: their mules, two hundred forty and five:

    Their camels, four hundred thirty and five: six thousand seven hundred and twenty asses.

    With 435 of the beasts at their disposal, surely at least one member of that throng was able to sneak out of the tent about midnight and jump on a camel named Clyde.

  228. Old School Allie Cat
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#204):

    I’m down with that logic – and “warts and all”… well that’s another consequence of her night in the van…

  229. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Fry you miserable old codger, fry!

    FW: Weak Tea.

    Jugs Parker: Living up to the name, and how! Those headlights are blinding!

    Bigporn: Right, so how come evil succubus spends 3 years fucking the Caliph and just NOW decides she’s going to zap him. Oh, and in what universe do succubi fry their victims? That’s not how it works. Fine, it’s your shitty comic strip Brooke, but you don’t get to rewrite mythology while you’re busy jacking off to your drawings.

    9CL: Big hulk no can speak words. Big hulk only good for one thing. But, this being 9CL, he won’t even be good for that.

  230. bats :[
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#218): heaven forfend, and deliver us from snarkless strips!

  231. The Ridger
    March 20th, 2013 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#24): Is there any chance he’ll go edgy and we’ll discover that Lisa did the coercing? Because otherwise, yeah. What you said.

  232. Zerowolf
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    MW: Stop wasting your time on Tom and Beth, Elinor is the one that needs to get laid.

  233. Zerowolf
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    Tommy: What did you do today, LuAnn?
    LuAnn: I went to visit Gary’s grave and a man asked me if I wanted to see his son. Didn’t look much like him. Oooh…. shinies!

  234. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I like to think there’s a place for them in the world.” You and every lonely woman, Beth.

    RMMD-”Milton, is always running off to places without me. Key West, Fire Island, San Francisco. Right now he is in the Greek Islands.”

    Gil Thorp-It is easy to lose a job in a day. It is called being fired.

    Henry-I think Henry is more of a yellow soldier than a vanilla soldier.

  235. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G-I say that his son is suffering from PTSD which causes him to lose his temper at the oddest of times and that Lu Ann believes that she is the only one who can cure him of it.

  236. sully
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I take it back. Based on today’s entry, Mark Trail is the worst comic strip in the history of the world. Move over, Adam @ Home, look out Dinette Set, nothing can compare with this shit. How the fuck do some papers still print this crap?

  237. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129):

    “Crank: She just calls up the tv station to get the weather report? Do people do that? Are tv weathermen and weather women standing by the phones to give the daily forecast?”

    It also appears that she’s using some sort of smart phone, based on the overall shape. And she doesn’t have at least ONE weather app that can tell her the forecast? I call BS!

  238. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#234) Re: GT: I just can’t take my eyes of Kaz’s rad Swatch-embedded sweatband (a swatchswatch?). I bet he got in on Etsy.

  239. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    MT-Oh please, Mark. You don’t care about Rusty. You constantly promise to take him fishing but then always find some way to get out of it.

  240. Alison
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#236):
    I agree MT is a horrible strip! But I think ol’ Adam still has the edge. At least Mark Trail doesn’t hassle coffee shop workers earning minimum wage with his ideas about cardboard newsletters, dance offs, reasons why humans don’t have tails, and all the other random nonsense that constantly goes on in that strip. Mark Trail hassles people who deserve it, like forest rangers who don’t have the sense to say, “We know who abducted a missing child, so we should call the cops now.”

  241. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    9CL-”Your dress would look just as lovely if you weren’t wearing it. Your dress would look just as lovely if you weren’t wearing it and if it was laying on my floor.”

  242. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#241):

    There I just saved you two pointless days of the blonde guy’s yammering and stammering over how he wants to nail the black haired woman.

  243. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”That’s rough. I was born on the day my boy shipped out.”

  244. Chip Whittle
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Can-do Canon of Cans (#129):

    She just calls up the tv station to get the weather report? Do people do that? Are tv weathermen and weather women standing by the phones to give the daily forecast? Do they know which way the wind blows?

    I hate myself for knowing this about the Crankshaft universe–and you can fill in anything to the rest of this sentence and it’ll be as true–but her son, Disappointing Young Male Crankshaft Unit, works at the TV station, so that’s who she’s calling.

  245. sully
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#240): Yeah, you have a point. I was dumb-struck at the utter lameness of Mark Trail’s lack of effort today. Horrible as Mark Trail may be, and is, the daily pain that is Adam @ Home does have the edge.

  246. bats :[
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#245): I just suddenly realized (well, over the last month or so), how much I detest Adam @ Home. Probably because I only read it on a Sunday basis, and it took all this time for the yuck to bubble to the top.

  247. hibbleton
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#246): I’ll second that. I’ve abhorred Adam @ home for a long time.

  248. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley — “Whoa” is the safe word Rufus and Becky were planning to use on their never-to-be honeymoon night.

  249. moss_moses
    March 20th, 2013 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone remember Mark Trail, upon discovering that Rusty was missing, saying something about seeking help? That seemed totally out of character for someone who typically takes matters into his own hands, vigilante style. I have noted that he has not sought help, but rather is taking matters into his own hands, vigilante style.

    Speaking of the Department of Redundancy Department, how many times has Stern Biddy expressed her dislike of romance novels? Making a point is one thing but why run the same point into the ground over and over again, ad nauseum? Stern Biddy does not obey Mary’s meddling mind control yet but unfortunately, it is just a matter of time before Mary has Stern Biddy under her thumb, while Beth and Tom Harpman fall in love, as pre-ordained by Mary’s meddling plan.

    I think Milton’s ailment may be much worse than suspected. Many stroke victims describe the feeling as being like a salmon swimming upstream. He is having a very, very mild stroke. No long-term harm can come to him since he is husband of saintly Heather, even if he is twice her age.

    Speaking of saintly women, the possibility of the saintly Neddy Spencer being involved in anything unethical is nill. She is donating money to save poor children in Niger. I still think it will be a couple of weeks before dinner. Sam’s drive back to Spencer Farms takes a good week.

  250. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#246): I don’t read Adam @ Home. I don’t think I’d like it. I used to read it back in the 1980′s when it was just called “Adam” and was in the newspaper and the only reason I read it was because it was a comic in the newspaper and I would read all the comics because they were comics. I don’t remember liking it all that much or even caring when they removed it from the newspaper and replaced it with something else which I don’t remember what that was either.

    What was the question again?

  251. hibbleton
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#76):
    But these libertarians don’t want to get punched.

  252. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#227): Sneaking off, no doubt, to be with that Arabian beauty, Fatima.

    Wearing rings on her fingers and bells on her toes and a bone in her nose ho, ho.

  253. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    Luann No, Bernice, Delta doesn’t have a boyfriend, either. But you both know that. Sorry, that’s a common seduction strategy. Try something else.

    Charredshaft A lightning strike? Nah, too easy.

    MW Hey, no fair! Everyone is ganging up on Elinor. Will no one defend the sour old lady?

  254. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Excerpts from The Trial of Mark Trail, 2015.

    “Now, Mr. Trail, you told this court that the reason you did not call the police or attempt to find the victim was that you believed that the van that held the victim would be too difficult to find, because of all the fishermen in town for the bass tournament, is that correct”
    “Yes.”
    “Let me draw your attention to People’s Exhibit 333E, the photograph of the van, previously admitted. In particular, let me direct your attention to the lettering on the side that says “Rod Bassy.” How tall are the “R” and the “B,” in your estimation?”
    “About three feet.”
    “And the smaller letters in Mr. Bassy’s name, about two feet, or a little over?”
    “Yes.”
    “And the letters are bright red?”
    “Yes.”
    “How many entries were there in the bass tournament, that year, Mr. Trail?”
    “Gee, I don’t know!”
    “Would you dispute the number I obtained from the sponsors? Forty-seven!”
    “OK”
    “You heard the testimony of Professor Ono, day before yesterday?”
    “Yes.”
    “You recall that the professor testified that his test showed that the “Rod Bassy” lettering on the van was legible from at least a half mile away?”
    “Yes.”
    “So it is your testimony before this honorable court that you decided not to even attempt to alert the authorities or act on your own to save a boy who was your ward, because you believed that a van with the killer’s name in three-foot tall lettering on the side would not stand out from at the very most, forty-seven other vans? Is that your testimony?”
    “Well, when you say it like that, it sounds stupid!”

  255. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Tom Allen (#12):

    They were married on the day he shipped out? Boy, anything to avoid a wedding night with Lu Ann.

    Good point. And are we sure they ruled out suicide?

  256. Peanut Gallery
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#226):

    His favorite meal was Mississippi River catfish, which he never passed up.

    Is that a delicate way of saying it never “swam upstream” on him?

  257. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Back in WW I, Manfred von Richthofen (“the Red Baron”) painted his Albatros red. When he got famous, the British and French set out specifically to hunt down “le diable rouge”. Several of Richthofen’s Jasta members also painted their planes red to protect him.

    Are you lot calling Bassey the Rod Baron, huh?

  258. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    If Sergeant-Major Powers shipped out the day they married, are we to assume LuAnn is a virgin? Of course, in this above the waist anatomy strip, she doesn’t have a vagina to devirginise. I forgot.

  259. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    For kicks, let’s look up Mark Trail’s nose! Oh, what fun, a Ripley’s!

    New York comedian JANEANE GOROFALO and TV producer ROB COHEN were married for 20 years without either of them realizing!

    Wait. What? Realizing what? That they were married to each other? That they were married but also married to someone else??? What th’…

    Oh, this just in. Why it’s another Ripley’s!

    RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT, the most concise, accurate and complete of all the trivia outlets, on March 20, 2013 had an ambiguous entry!

    Yeah. Kind of like all Crock strips.

  260. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#256): After a day spent working with the big cats, Clyde wasn’t about to let a little ol’ catfish bring him down.

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#258): Obviously, Sergeant-Major Powers was a patriotic metahuman fighter for justice like Sergeant Fury or Captain America. And among his powers(!) was the ability to deflower a virgin from thousands of miles away.

  261. seismic-2
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#258): As best I recall, in the original strips Lu Ann and Gary Powers were married for over a year before he shipped out. I believe he was a college student who never-quite-graduated for a long time (so that he could keep receiving money from a trust fund) when she met him, and they married soon after he finally did graduate. I don’t believe he was even in the Navy yet. Or am I confusing Gary with another character from the strip during that era? Not that anyone has ever had trouble distinguishing one male from another in A3G, of course.

  262. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#261): So, answer the question. Was she still a virgin?

  263. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#227): I see what you did there, O Prince of the Burning Sands.

  264. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#257): interesting bit of trivia.

    After the death of the Red Baron, the person who took over the squadron was none other than Hermann Göring, back when he was young, slim and dashing.

    next world war, not so much. . . .

  265. \
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#36):

    “FYI, the infield fly rule is not the big mysterious deal some baseball people act like it is)”

    Well, sure. That’s the rule that says if the umpire finds our that one of the infielders has forgotten to zip up his fly, each baserunner gets an extra base, but in return has to unzip his own fly as well, right?

    I learned this from the suppressed bawdy version of the Abbot and Costello routine, “Who’s Out on First?”.

  266. \
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @\ (#265):

    That was me. I don’t know why my nom de post got downgraded to a puncutation mark.

    // It’s because I only have one (give or take one) arms, isn’t it?

  267. Shrug, Give or Take Some Transitory Joke
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @\ (#266):

    The nom de post was supposed to be quote marks Biff close quote marks Shrug comma Rounding Third and Being Thrown Out at Home. (A BOB AND RAY reference.)

    I gather the CC engine doesn’t like quote marks? Would it help if I referenced Camus?

  268. Peanut Gallery
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @\ (#265): William Conrad sez: Be with us next time for “Who’s Out on First?”, or “Want To See My Boy?”

  269. Adam Bahm
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “That’s rough. Want to see my boy? His name is Rusty. We’re on our way to go fishing.”

  270. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Give or Take Some Transitory Joke (#267): No, no, WordPress is fine with quotes, but abhors “puncutation marks”. Gives it the heebie-jeebies.

  271. Adam Bahm
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “That’s rough. Want to see my boy? He’s hanging out over at Komix Korner.”

  272. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”Want to see my boy? He’s special. They’ve got a flame constantly burning for him and all he was just commander of a PT boat in the Pacific.”

  273. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    264. queek

    Another interesting thing:

    Towards the end of the First War, Göring was replaced as commander of the Jasta by Ritter von Greim.

    Towards the end of the Second War, Göring was replaced as commander of the Luftwaffe by…Ritter von Greim.

  274. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”Thanks, but I’m okay. I had to find out from my husband where he buried the Nazi gold.”

  275. Liam
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Margo has disappeared into the mist with Greg. Lu Ann is visiting her husband. What is Tommie up to? Is she still avoiding Gandalf the Record Producer?

  276. Adam Bahm
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “That’s rough. Want to see my boy? He wrote a book about John Darling.”

  277. “Biff” Shrug, Rounding Third and Being Thrown Out at Home
    March 20th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Gloating! N.S.

  278. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#248): Ah, poor Rufus will never live that one down. Nor should he.

  279. Sgt. Stoned
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark and Bluegill imagining vigilante violence…after a good night’s sleep and, gee, hoping nothing happens to Rusty while they’re sawing logs.

    MW: Elinor, I think you mean written by IDIOTS for IDIOTS!

  280. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    I remember reading a romance novel when I was in high school. It was passed around amoung us boys and if I remember right the title was The Square Root of Sex.

    Hmmm. That may not have been a romance novel. All I remember about it is that there was a character in the book who was an Eastern Mystic whose name was Swami Reever.

  281. Pucacodog
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#259): You motivated me to look this up. Curse you for making me learn things.
    “Garofalo married Robert Cohen, at the time a writer for The Ben Stiller Show, in Las Vegas in 1991. She later explained it was intended to be a joke, not thinking it was legal unless filed at a local courthouse. It was revealed later, when Cohen tried to get married for real, that the marriage was indeed legal. The marriage was dissolved in 2012.” From the Pedia de Wiki

  282. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Swami Reever, huh? I remember an old Hardy Boys called Bombay Boomerang or something which had Indian characters called Mr Delhi and Mr Calcutta.

    Also, the book said Indian houses had boomerangs. That…uh…was news to me.

  283. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Pucacodog (#281): Cool. Now why couldn’t Ripley’s have given a bit more information? Curse you Ripley’s! You made Pucacodog learn something!

  284. Sequitur
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#282): I buy all my pastrami at the Calcutta delhi.

  285. Roy
    March 20th, 2013 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Got this one right, Alice Mitchell is a babe!

    A3G: Lu Ann falls in love with the ghost of nameless guys son, and sometime in July we will reslly start to miss the Margo-James abond plot

  286. Droopy Says
    March 21st, 2013 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    Spiderbraggart: Scoff all you like but Parker does not surprise easily. Usually he’s unconscious before he knows the brick hit him.

    Mock Travail: No, Trail, when you go fishing with Rod Bassy tomorrow, Catfish will attach Rusty to your hook. When you reel in his pale, sogg corpse, everyone will cheer and applaud and declare a national holiday blame you for the murder, because after all you’ll be the one with his corpse.

    Spiderdick: I deduce that Murdock has a Judge Judy poster in his office. Nothing else would make Parker’s heart go pit-a-pat in that special rhythm.

    Funky’s Flunkies: While all this lame crap? Did Batiuk pitch an idea for a comic book and have it turned down?

    Family Circus: Nice try, Jeffy, but Mommy knows better than to trust you.

    Phantom: If Devil heard Phantom’s whistle, and arrived there within seconds, then the native village must be adjacent to the mining offices. So why didn’t any of the locals notice the lion cage and do anything . . . ah. It’s a vast
    conspiracy to get rid of Ghost-Who-Spreads-His-Own-Myth.

    Jugs Parker: I haven’t looked at this one lately, so will someone please explain all the recent excitement? Because really, there’s nothing prominent about those headlights.

  287. Anachrosaurus
    March 21st, 2013 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    JP: Whoa… I think I know where that money went…

  288. The Unborn Keane Child
    March 21st, 2013 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Considering “Beetle Bailey” has had man-on-tree sex displayed several times, I wouldn’t have expected Zero to stoop as low as to kissing flowers. Then again, it’s Beetle Bailey, and they’re also what looks to be a mural of Sarge and Beetle beating the crap out of each other.

  289. Droopy Says
    March 21st, 2013 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    @The Unborn Keane Child (#288): They put all the trees in an arboretum museum, so Zero had to find new outlets for his sexuality. He’ll dress up like a bee and pollinate Sarge when they’re off-duty.

  290. The Diceman
    March 21st, 2013 at 5:39 am [Reply]

    MT – Rusty needs to be spun off into his own ‘boy detective’ strip. I’m thinking it could be called “The Adventures of Rusty, Goggle-Eyed Homonculus.”

  291. gleeb
    March 21st, 2013 at 6:02 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: “And in lighter news, a local moron chained himself to a dead tree.”
    “Is it the full moon again already?”

    ‘bean: Even if one were to pretend this is parody, it still stinks. Creating a bad example of something to make fun of an entire class or genre means you have still laid a rotten egg.

    Chip Gizmo, closet foulmouth!: I admit, when I was forced to change a password after years of using the same one, and to change it every 90 days, the first few were pretty blue.

    Sam Driver, considerate motorist!: Well, on the one hand, he’s not using his phone while driving, but on the other he’s sitting there with the car door open, keeping anyone from being able to park. Even when he’s considerate, he’s kind of a privileged dick.

    Dick: An exciting look inside the nerve center of scrambled word puzzles!

  292. Little Guy
    March 21st, 2013 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    @The Diceman (#290): We’re in the prequel of the Adult Swim series.

  293. NonnyMus
    March 21st, 2013 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    Are there still places in major U.S. cities where you can smoke in the workplace?

  294. Lowell
    March 21st, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    I feel a little bad for Mark Trail, who has been forced to grapple with cumbersome fishing-related dialogue that involves characters with unclever fish-related names– particularly during an emergency. “I know, Bluegill– we’re going to have to let Rod fish tomorrow, when Trout and Pole will be competing as well– but don’t let Water and Hook catch on or– FUCK IT WHAT ARE YOUR FUCKING NAMES?”

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