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Turtle Carl is traveling. Slowly.

Family Circus, 7/26/26

The Biliad

Draw him, O Jeffy, and show us his exploits—first-born of the Keane clan,
Follow the long dashed line from his birth to his triumphs in Scottsdale.
Sing of the talented Billy Age Seven as substitute artist;
Tell of his prowess at baseball and schoolwork and elegant wordplay;
Speak of the pride with which Thel and his father must always esteem him!

What’s that you say, he’s a smug little jerk who oppresses his siblings,
Blaming his failures and sins on Not Me to avoid retribution,
Dumb as a rock and possessed of no gifts but a venomous mean streak?
Why then do you, O Jeff, spend your days documenting this jackass?
What is your own great sin that the gods have assigned you such torment?

“Listen, O Muse, it appears your assessment is missing some context!
“There was no choice in this job that I started in twenty-eleven.
“The circle, the kids, and the jokes were a fifty-year legacy burden:
“My readers would rise up in arms if I altered the tiniest detail!
“And Billy’s the price that I pay to maintain a respectable income.”

Mark Trail, 7/26/26

Species like cockroaches and sharks, well-adapted to stable ecological niches, often show decreased rates of biological diversification. Yet species like songbirds and tropical fish, equally well-protected from harsh selection pressures, differentiate lavishly in secondary sexual characteristics like song and coloration.

Mark Trail has survived 80 years in the brutal environment of the newspaper comics page: is he a shark or a songbird? On the one hand, he dominates the “outdoor adventure comic” niche with unassailable Nature Facts and Fists of Justice at the ready. On the other, he’s kinda cute. We should get Cherry to weigh in on this.

Thanks for a fun week and all the generous contributions to keep this fine blog strong and independent. Josh will be back tomorrow morning, rested and ready to deliver the Internet’s finest newspaper comics mockery!

—Uncle Lumpy

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Shoe, 7/22/26

NO MUFFY NO HE’S REACHING FOR YOUR BEAK HE THINKS IT’S A [horrible wrenching sounds, bird-agony noises].

Crock, 7/22/26

… and maybe a thesaurus?

Say, doesn’t that bird look awfully glum for somebody in the cheer-distribution business? Sure, most of your clientele in that game will be sad sacks like Figowitz here. Maybe you even bear their burdens, like a sad clown or depressed comedian. But if you’re doling out industrial packages of cheer, who’s going to complain if you skim off a little for yourself? It’s not embezzlement, it’s self-care!

Mark Trail, 7/22/26

Happy Trail ditches his evil grifter fiancée Gail at the altar to care for the gorillas suffering from her neglect. Mark can’t just stand there; he has to do something—but there’s not a single villain in punching range.

Judge Parker, 7/22/26

Sophie didn’t mean to walk that way, just like the artist probably didn’t mean to slap down that inscription without correcting the perspective—but you go with what you got, I guess.

Hey, is this when manipulative brat adorable pixie Charlotte learns Sophie’s tragic backstory? It’s time that child learned how the world works: You can’t just shoot people for money like her Mom does, you gotta go out and inherit it!

—Uncle Lumpy

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The Phantom, 7/15/26

Ahh, it looks like the promised Nomad-Python supervillain teamup really is happening, coordinated by the mysterious “Ignis Vindicta” (JUST KIDDING HE IS NOT MYSTERIOUS HE IS CLEARLY OBVIOUS ELON MUSK STANDIN “IAN MOLLUSK” WEARING A MASK). Anyway, it’s kind of funny that freeing the Nomad involved elaborately working through a web of corruption in order to extract him from Guantanamo Bay, something only someone extremely wealthy and connected could do, whereas freeing the Python just required sending some mid-range drones to blow up the big open-air cage they keep him in. Sounds like someone could’ve done that a while ago, if they had shown any initiative!

Mark Trail, 7/15/26

Meanwhile, just as Mark’s dad is trying to get married to his scam gorilla sanctuary catfish girlfriend, Rusty’s raccoon adventure has descended into full-on folk horror. Back off, scouts! Dunno if they give out a badge for “recognizing when your friend has rabies and is beginning to succumb to madness,” but your friend has rabies and is definitely beginning to succumb to madness!