Archive: Mark Trail

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Mark Trail, 8/16/23

Look, I’m the first to admit that I’m an old person now, and if I accidentally clicked onto anyone doing a video livestream on any social media site or app, I would immediately and frantically try to turn said livestream off, and, if I couldn’t achieve that within approximately five seconds, would throw whatever device I was using into the sea. So the idea that a 500-follower account could reach more people by doing a live feed seems off to me, but since this is nu-look Mark Trail, it’s possible that Mark has a better grasp on social media than I do, which, I don’t think I have to say, is a very uncomfortable position to be in. Anyway, Marks père et fils are on the run for various crimes, including violence against law enforcement (and not for the first time!) so it’s possible this live stream will end in Mark’s arrest or summary execution, and I guess that could drive up viewership.

Blondie, 8/16/23

Sorry, I can’t spend any energy on the ostensible punchline here because I’m too fixated on what’s in the mysterious box Dagwood is purchasing that has this pharmacist so unsettled. Is it some advanced ultra-enema system that completely cleanses your GI tract of all sandwich matter so that you can immediately go in for another massive sandwich? Sir, your store is the one carrying it, so maybe you shouldn’t be so judgemental.

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

You notice how ripped Jeff’s arms are these days? Do you remember how just a few years ago he was an old man facing mobility challenges but now he simply can’t wait to follow up dinner with a vigorous walk? I don’t want to say that he’s using his trusted position at the Charterstone hospital to steal enyouthening child blood, but it would explain a lot.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

OH MY GOD, IT’S … actually, I have no idea who that is. Is it April’s … mom? April had a mom, who was some kind of undefined but menacing spy lady, right? And Sam being friends with her son-in-law is a “close connection,” sort of? OK, it’s April’s mom, until further notice.

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals—I’m your beloved host, Carl. My goodness, it has been such a long time; let’s dig right in to those fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!

Speed Bump, 8/6/23

“Say, do you ever feel taken for granted? Well, then, you just might be a turtle!

Mark Trail (panel), 8/13/23

“See what I mean? Ahem! Did you know that the Ohio River also supports snapping, spotted, painted, northern and Ouachita map, river cooter, pond slider, smooth and spiny softshell, eastern musk, Blanding’s, and box turtles? And that it wouldn’t kill you to mention a few of them?”

Shoe, 8/13/23

“Did you know that birds have vasa deferentia? It’s true!

“It’s still a bad idea to get your avian reproductive facts from Shoe, though; just sayin’.”

Arctic Circle, 8/13/23

“Did you know that squid eat mackerel? It’s true!”

“Did you also know that penguins don’t eat mackerel but do eat squid? It’s true—these guys are just waiting.”

Mary Worth (panels), 8/13/23

“If Mary Worth has taught me anything, it’s that dogs are good, but fish are delicious!”

“Hey you guys, how about a to-go box for your old pal Carl?”

That’s all for today—time to get outside and explore the wonderful World of Animals!

— Turtle Carl

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Mark Trail, 8/11/23

OK, so we’re retconning Mark and his Dad Happy into the February Norfolk Southern derailment in East Palestine Ohio, taking substantial liberties with the facts as we go. Mark provoked Ohio Senator Smalls (not N&S CEO Alan H. Shaw) with a couple inflammatory “isn’t it true” type questions, even implying that the derailment was intentional. Smalls escalated by accusing Mark of inciting a riot and ordered the cops to arrest him. Mark and Happy beat up a couple of the cops and are now on the lam courtesy of Rex Scorpius, his model/race driver/activist/Mom Sally, and (his? their?) sweet 1976–1981 vintage Pontiac Firebird. A little bridge-jumping, a few campfire stories, a week of Varroa mite bee colony collapse exposition, and here we are.

So assault and battery with an enhancement for assaulting a police officer for Mark and Happy, accessory after the fact for Rex and Sally, assorted traffic violations for Rex, then back to the mites. Sure hope they don’t impound the Firebird. The cops, I mean, not the mites. They’re bad, but they’re not that bad!

9 Chickweed Lane, 8/11/23

I was educated in Catholic schools before heading off to Georgetown. So I’m familiar with the mystique surrounding nuns that 9 Chickweed Lane exploited so successfully before beginning its long decline. Distant, enigmatic, and with authority drawn from God Himself, YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE NUNS and we children all knew it.

Alas, Sister Gwen here has messed with Top Nun Sister Steven, nicknamed “Sister Caligula” by young Amos and Edda. We see Gwen “confessing” her “sin” by griping that the old bat made her feel bad. The priest “absolves” her by minimizing her offence and complaining that the old bat made him feel bad, too. Apparently nobody has any idea how this sacrament works, and they’ll all wind up in Hell, by mistake.

Gil Thorp, 8/11/23

Relationship Week continues with a little impromptu marriage counselling from Girls’ Softball Coach Cami Ochoa. Say, Gil’s getting around a lot these days, isn’t he? Bartender Bethany, mysterious airplane companions, Cami here. And we’re supposed to be worried about Mimi? But I bet Gil’s voice rose two octaves on “…FRIENDS?” watching Ericka “correct” Mimi’s “stance.”

The Wizard of Id, 8/11/23

Even without seeing his face you know that’s Bung.

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