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Spider-Man, 9/8/17

Newspaper Spider-Man is already famous for having whole narrative arcs play out without the title character actually doing anything, but today’s strip is even better, providing us with an little drama that takes place entirely within the context of the villain’s monologue, with our protagonist and the other characters just kind of dumbly staring at him.

I have a lot of questions about the Official Fountain Of Youth Chalice. Like: if it’s made of pewter, as it appears today, or gold, as it appeared last week, how did it shatter so easily? If it’s as important as all that, shouldn’t Tyrannus have several spares? Will some Morlock artisan need to use the only remaining chalice to craft a new backup? Wouldn’t it be easy enough just to use the chalice to measure the actual recommended dosage of Fountain Of Youth Water so that we would know how many milliliters are necessary and dispense with the need for a chalice altogether?

Dick Tracy, 9/8/17

Undercover cop Lee Ebony, currently working deep within in the Neo-Chicago criminal underworld as “T-Bolt,” is taking care to report back to police headquarters using an encoded message in case her phone is tapped, as the footnote in the first panel helpfully indicates. Unfortunately, Sam Catchem seems to be under the impression that if her phone is tapped it’ll only record her end of the call, so he’s just answering using people’s actual names. Admittedly it gets confusing that the main bad guy’s name is actually “Mr. Bribery,” so it’s unclear if he’s talking about him or just the abstract concept of bribery, but either way this is bound to raise suspicions.

Mary Worth, 9/7/17

“…to my work! Ha ha, yes, as a handsome, well-paid doctor I’m very committed to my career. [suddenly speaking much faster and more quietly]also i’m still married to my wife and we’re not in an open relationship or anything, she has no idea i fuck my young employees on the regular[normal speaking style] So, you definitely have the apartment to yourself tonight, right?”

Pluggers, 9/7/17

Ahh yes, a man-bear’s eyes bugging out in panic as he tries to cram an overstuffed sandwich into his mouth before too much food falls into the sink, forcing him to scoop up the soggy scraps with his hands for the second round of feeding. A classic indeed!

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Dick Tracy, 8/23/17

Hey, uh, so remember the Nitrates, a brother-sister grifter team in Dick Tracy whose whole thing was that they mocked up fake version of lost classic film reels and sold them to unwary collectors, and this was an extremely lucrative scam niche, somehow? Pretty sure I only mentioned them once during their last plotline three years ago, to point out that the sister (named Silver, or possibly Sprocket) is also a hippie who goes barefoot all the time. Now they’ve got a new con going, pretending they have a long-rumored early recording of Abraham Lincoln’s voice.

Anyway, if you’re like me, you’ve had a hard time working up much enthusiasm for these characters, but you’ve also occasionally thought to yourself “am I gross or is there a vaguely incest-y vibe to these two?” And today’s strip lets us know that it’s not just you, or at least that the vibe you’ve been getting from them isn’t technically incest-y. It’s still not that exciting, though, and Dick’s distracted “They aren’t?” as he works through the paperwork on yet another police-involved shooting where he was the police who was involved is well justified. “Ugh, who cares about their relationship,” he’s thinking. “Do I get to police-involved shoot them or what?”

Mark Trail, 8/23/17

In case you were worried: yes, this Mark Trail plot is in fact going to climax as our heroes and villains shelter from tornados in the bear-infested tunnels under a Great Plains ghost town! That old bear is named Samson, and he’s ready for some tunnel-mauling.

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Mary Worth, 6/21/17

Well, I guess it’s not exactly a surprise that this plotline is going to climax with these two busty ladies getting into a no-holds-barred catfight for Derek’s smoky love, and while I think that’s a bit of a cliche, I have to admit I enjoy the direction panel two is taking it. Decades of girl-on-girl fights over men in movies and on TV have trained you to expect that both ladies would grab at each other’s hair the moment this argument escalated from swearing to violence. Instead, as the rain starts pouring out of the dark sky over the endless ocean, Katie looks wide-eyed at Esme’s fury, and leans back over the guardrail. She’s leaning away from her rival’s outstretched hands, of course, but something about her expression seems to carry both epiphany and resignation. “Has it come to this?” she thinks. “Do I need to debase myself in this way, just to keep hold of someone who’s chosen another path? What if I just let gravity take me, let the water rush together over my head? There are worse ways to go than in the arms of the sea.”

Pluggers, 6/21/17

I don’t care if you’ve been a plugger’s doctor for years. I don’t care if you’ve been married to a plugger for your entire adult life. If you don’t understand that for him the whole point of drinking coffee is to ride that buzz until it eats him out from the inside, then you don’t understand him at all.

Dick Tracy, 6/21/17

YOU DIDN’T WANT TO RISK ANYONE’S SAFETY BY STARTING A GUNFIGHT???

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DICK TRACY