Archive: Dick Tracy

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Blondie, 5/24/17

I gotta respect today’s Blondie: at first I thought it was going to try to go back to the well of “Oh no, the scientific classifications of objects in our solar system have changed since I was a child, and I have not gotten over it despite the fact that it happened literally more than a decade ago.” But then it took a sharp turn into much less explored territory: ever since the turn of the millennium, all of what we perceive as our “existence” is really a vast computationally generated simulacrum that we can dimly understand by thinking about our own crude social networks. What is a planet? What is real? The only ones who know are those who set the rules for our reality — and those rules, and their makers, are utterly inscrutable to us.

Dick Tracy, 5/24/17

Meanwhile, Dick and the Major Crimes Unit are closing in on the Margies, who are not only mid-level cosplay convention grifters but also, apparently, anti-Semitic vandals? Ugh. Anyway, all Dick Tracy trufans are going to be thrilled when Dick cracks this case using one of his most beloved and widely known skills: satchel recognition at a distance.

Judge Parker, 5/24/17

Wow, Abby’s dad shaves and puts on a nice suit when he poses for a photo with his secret family. But when he’s just chillin’ at home, arguing with his real wife about his infidelities, he grows a gross mustache and wears a collared shirt on top of another collared shirt for some reason. Sad!

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Pluggers, 5/11/17

I kind of admit I’m not … entirely sure what’s going on here? Like, it doesn’t matter whether you like iced tea or lemonade (THE ONLY TWO ACCEPTABLE DRINKS, and don’t try mixing them together to form the abomination that is an “Arnold Palmer”), and it doesn’t matter if you’re fundamentally an optimist or a pessimist if you’ve got … friends? I approve of friendship, of course, but I don’t understand why it needs all these false binaries as a setup. I also am a little unsettled by the anxiety behind the “just happy to have a glass.” Maybe this is why the plugger dog-man is sitting on an overturned bucket instead of a chair, because he had to sell all his chairs, and he only has his bucket and two glasses left. Remember, Pluggerville’s pawn shop is the most depressing place on earth!

Dick Tracy, 5/11/17

So it turns out the Margies’ CosplayCon scam involved a fake robbery to grab the cash prize for best costume, yawn. Anyway, with that out of the way, they’ve really kicked it up a notch for their next crime: digging up the corpses of prominent comics artists and reanimating them, using forbidden science! It’s a little on the nose for new-look Dick Tracy, but I’m on board.

Spider-Man, 5/11/12

Say, were you wondering how this week’s super-powered combat played out??? ANSWER: a guy hit another guy in the shin with “some kinda stick” and then ran away. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!!

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Luann, 4/30/17

Despite its longstanding and frankly creepy obsession with the outer limits of bathroom behavior, Luann has shown no interest in exploring similar frontiers in sexuality.

Sad, because a well-placed pair of hooves would’ve made today’s strip.

Pickles, 4/30/17

Though if you had asked me which strip I thought would be first to feature cross-species sexytimes, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have said Pickles.

Dick Tracy, 4/30/17

I’ll willingly admit that Dick Tracy‘s all-in dive into anime/cosplay/furry culture has left me in the dust. I have no idea who “Svengoolie” or “Chimetra” are, for example, or whose trademark the realistically-drawn “Connie Mail Wong” is trying to infringe/evade/appropriate/respect.

But I think that third panel holds the key to the Margies’ otherwise incomprehensible scam: their Cosplay Contest Grand Prize isn’t $10,000.00 like everybody thinks, but a cool ten bucks to the third decimal place. Those clever Margies will pocket the difference and laugh at the gullible rubes who will, in the grand Dick Tracy tradition, tear them limb from limb.

–Uncle Lumpy