Archive: Dick Tracy

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(Hey! What’s with the new site design? What’s this business in the top menu about “membership?” Get all the info here!)

Guys, apologies that Important Website Development delayed my return to comics blogging for [looks at watch] 16 days?!!??!?!?! Holy cats, that means a lot of strips to tear through in my traditional beginning-of-the-year comics recapping of the stuff I missed in the continuity strips. Let’s get to it!

Gil Thorp, 12/24/16

One of my favorite things about Gil Thorp is how Coach Thorp and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp used to have two hideous children who appeared on their Christmas card with them, and now those children don’t appear on said Christmas card anymore and also anywhere else in the strip. What do you think is the most likely fate of the Thorplings?

  • Died in tragic “accident”
  • Sent away to boarding school, graduated three years ago but parents forgot to go pick them up
  • Coach Kaz sent to the past to surreptitiously add birth control to the Thorps’ water supply, removing the children from the timestream altogether

Mary Worth, 12/24/16

Wilbur, meanwhile, in Antarctic exile and unaware that Iris has very quickly moved on, looks at the stars and takes solace that, despite the vast distance between them, he and his beloved are both under the same sky. They’re not, though! There are totally different constellations in the Southern Hemisphere. You have nothing in common anymore, Wilbur! Nothing!

Mary Worth, 12/25/16

Back at Charterstone, we get what I think is our first glimpse at the new art team’s rendition of Dr. Jeff and the Camerons. And it’s a doozy of an introduction! Dr. Jeff is wide-eyed in wonder and delight at the sight of the monochromatic Christmas ham Mary is presenting him with; meanwhile, the Camerons are celebrating the holiday in the traditional manner, by watching TV in the dark and feeding each other off of plates balanced precariously in their laps, an image that will haunt me (and, I presume, all of you) for years.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/16

Good news! Little Sarah finally woke up, possibly after being healed by baby Jesus!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/26/16

Bad news! Sarah has amnesia! Actually, if she ever gets called to testify against her erstwhile mob associates, that’s still good news.

Curtis, 12/27/16

By the way, despite last year’s brief return to form, Curtis honored its recent tradition by failing to honor its longer-established tradition and spinning an insane Kwanzaa fable, unless you consider this tale of urban real estate to the be the insanest Kwanzaa fable of all.

Dick Tracy, 12/29/16

New-look Dick Tracy continues to milk that comics nostalgia for all it’s worth, bringing the Spirit on for a guest spot and providing red-hot brightly-colored-hat-on-brightly-colored-hat action. Anyway, here’s Dick telling his counterpart that he’s a tool of the state, imposing the harsh order that a sullen citizenry secretly wants but could never bring itself to ask for.

Mary Worth, 12/30/16

Whoops! Iris is going to a concert with Zak and his millennial friends, and she overdressed! Like all people born in the early ’70s, Iris has never been to a so-called “rock and roll” show, and is unaware of the socially acceptable forms of dress at such events.

Mark Trail, 12/31/16

Hey, Mark, maybe you should wait until that boat gets to shore before you start bragging.

Mark Trail, 1/1/17

Or maybe the boat is going to get eaten by that nightmarish 30-foot-long gelatinous tube-thing? Ever think of that? That Cherry and Bill will have their nights haunted by the image of you being slowly digested by millions of microscopic mouths and the bill for the boat, respectively?

Mary Worth, 1/2/17

Back in Santa Royale, Zak likes that Iris dressed like an old lady at this concert, and is rewarding her with some erotic finger-touching.

Mark Trail, 1/3/17

Back in Kauai, Mark didn’t get Cal’s boat blown up or eaten at all, and Abbey is rewarding him with some erotic finger-touching.

Gil Thorp, 1/4/17

Oops, looks like we’ve learned why Aaron Aargard is so inconsistent: when he goes to all those warehouse raves, he’s totally high on drugs! According to this Three’s Company-style accidental overhearing of a partial conversation, anyway. It’s even money that “Molly” is actually his girlfriend, whose name is Molly.

Mary Worth and Mark Trail, 1/4/17

OH MY GOD THINGS ARE JUST GETTING MORE EROTIC! NEAR NOSE-TO-NOSE CONTACT! AWKWARD CAR HUGGING! I CAN’T BELEIVE THEY PRINT THIS STUFF IN THE NEWSPAPER WHERE CHILDREN COULD SEE IT, IF CHILDREN EVER LOOKED AT THE NEWSPAPER!

Mary Worth and Mark Trail, 1/5/17

Oops, never mind, Mark mentioned his wife and Iris was reminded that Wilbur exists, all eroticism has been aborted with extreme prejudice.

Judge Parker, 1/6/17

Oops, the mysteriously returned Sophie stumbled upon Sam’s crazy person conspiracy board! If she’s the know-it-all we all remember and love, she’s hopefully going to critique all the many ways he screwed this up. By the way, there are few large-font headlines I can think of that would be more hilarious that “VAN FOUND.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/6/17

OH NO, SARAH’S AMNESIA TOOK AWAY ALL OF HER ART SKILLS! She is working overtime to prove, to whoever might want to know, the cops or the FBI or the DA or whoever, that she doesn’t know anything about any mob ladies or any art forgers in the employ of said mob ladies, no sir.

Crankshaft, 1/6/17

Hey, remember how the young people in Crankshaft bought that old movie theater? Well, they’re having sex in it now. Young people! Is there anywhere they won’t have sex?

Anyway! I’m back and I’m blogging again and my 2017 resolution is the same as it always is: to keep writing jokes about the comics until they make me stop! Brace yourself for another fun year!

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Mary Worth, 12/13/16

So Iris has gone off to explore her sexual destiny with young Zak, with Mary’s blessing. And though Mary’s had an adventure or three in recent years, we do need to remember that the most of the action in this strip happens to the people around Mary, and her own life is fairly quiet. Take today, for example: things are so dull she has to make her own fun by pausing in the middle of reading a sentence just to gin up a little drama, just for an instant, just in her mind.

Dick Tracy, 12/13/16

Sure, rabbi, God listens to prayer, even in a police questioning room … from everyone? I mean, it’s great if He listens to the prayers of an upstanding policeman for the health of his sick wife. But what about when some no-good hood prays for the strength to resist Dick Tracy’s brutal interrogation techniques? What about when a career criminal beseeches the Almighty to keep his rookie accomplice’s mouth shut as he’s being questioned in the next room? You’ve got to think this stuff through before you tell everybody!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/13/16

You know, I assumed that the Rex Morgan, M.D., gangster plot came to an abrupt end because the new writer wasn’t a fan of it. Now I know that it was just being held in reserve for this perfect moment. The dude who hit Sarah with his car because he was on his cell phone had better hope the police catch him, because Bugsy and Mrs. P. do not play.

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Six Chix, 12/9/16

You know I’m in favor of any nationally syndicated newspaper comic strip that includes the caption “GALLERY OF HORROR,” but this is pretty shoddy work right here no matter how you look at it. I mean, climate change will melt snowpersons, I guess, although so would the good old fashioned change of the seasons. And holding a lit cigarette up to a snowbeing might cause them to melt around the point of contact, or, if we’re assuming some sort of advanced snownatomical structures, maybe they’d melt from the inside out as they drew hot air into their snow-lungs, in particularly gruesome fashion. But waiting in line? Waiting in line? This is … relevant because … I mean it’s supposed to mean … damn it! All I wanted was a comic where snowpeople recoiled in horror from an avant-garde art exposition called “GALLERY OF HORROR” that depicted gruesome ways they might die, and I can’t even enjoy it because the deaths don’t make any damn sense! Damn you, Six Chix! I believed in you!

Dick Tracy, 12/9/16

I’ve already proclaimed my love for this storyline, but I need to go on the record as heartily endorsing the ending, hearkening back to “classic” (i.e., pre-2011) Dick Tracy with a truly ironic death. Selfy’s selfie obsession wasn’t as played up over the course of his story as perhaps it should’ve been, but him getting trampled mid-selfie by a water buffalo who presumably enraged by reading one too many dumb thinkpieces about millennials and their participation trophies was a nice touch.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/16

Wait, so … are cell phones good or bad??? I need clarity on this point, guys!