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Metapost: You people are all TERRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS WHO DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO MY POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY

Jeez, a guy can’t go away for 24 hours before getting frantic emails about huge chunks of the comments section acting like jackasses. (Those of you in the non-commenting “silent majority” can ignore this.) I will tell you all right now: quit it. I know it’s hard in the lead-up to an election to avoid political diatribes at all, but please be respectful towards one another rather than launching epithets at your politically divergent fellow commentors. Because you know where else you have to get into this kind of flame war? The entire rest of the Internet.

Anyway, high passions can and will be forgiven; I probably shouldn’t have mentioned any of the major candidates in a post before I left of the weekend anyway, though my point was just horror at the Family Circus trying to make itself relevant. I actually had intended to set up an election day go-at-each-other thread on Tuesday to let people get it out of their system. But let me tell you something that will earn you an immediate banning: posting nasty stuff under the name of another commentator just to make them look bad. Seriously, that is 100 percent not kosher and only my actually trying to enjoy my weekend trip prevents me from wading into the back end of the comment machinery to root out the offenders right now.

Anyway, did anything good come out of this spat? Perhaps. While flicking through in horror, I came upon this gem, posted by faithful reader Mr Snrub: “Does Taft/Roosevelt slashfic exist?” If it doesn’t now, I order you to expend your political energies on this thread creating some. “Ever since Taft had returned from the Phillipines, TR found himself going out of his way to spend more time with him talking about the situation there…” Go!

455 responses to “Metapost: You people are all TERRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS WHO DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO MY POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY”

  1. commodorejohn
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Josh.

  2. Cpt. Canuck
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    To my credit I only posted as mr Anders as a joke directly after he said he was off for the night and anything he said was definitely false

  3. kthnxbye
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    As a part of the silent majority, I appreciate this post and sentiment.

    Worth noting that I also subscribe to “Med Page Today” and the other day I saw comment page with accomplished physicians and researchers going at it like basement dwellers arguing about DC vs Marvel when the election was brought up. Politics just seems to bring out the best in everyone, no?

  4. True Fable
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Pope Josh!

    Look, just for you: Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your angora!

  5. Cpt. Canuck
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    post 331ish was a mistake, I meant to post under this name

  6. Cpt. Canuck
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    everything else was pretty much directed at that “Obama/Osama!” docweasel lunatic

  7. Angry Kem
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    And just to spread the love, here’s a little something for True Fable. Yes, it’s a mountain goat, not a goat goat, but it does have “goat” in its name, so it counts.

    Thanks, Josh, for killing the hideous beast.

  8. the crock
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    It would be awesome if my comment here was the COTW. Sadly – the only funny thing I have to say is:

    You’re right Josh. They are terrible human beings. Terribly weak human beings.

  9. True Fable
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    # 7 Angry Kem – GOAT! Ooooh brave goat story! Mouth to Muzzle resuscitation! Derring-do in the Land of the Maple Leaf!

    You had me at “here’s”. :-)

  10. Cpt. Canuck
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    I think “they started it” is a pretty fair argument coming from the correct side

  11. Deena in OR
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Josh. We tried to settle it down on our own :(

  12. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Forget all the hostility. Here is the funniest thing i’ve seen in a long time. http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/

  13. Cpt. Canuck
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Id rather have no comments at all, I hate the lame little fanboy subcommunities that build up around anything awesome.

  14. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    ?

  15. Josh
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Calling people lunatics = part of the problem. Bye.

    Also, I’m not seeing any hot TR/WHT slash. Bonus points for anyone in whose story Taft “gets stuck in the bathtub”, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). Or who uses the exchange “Your mustache tickles!” “Speak for yourself!”

    Josh

  16. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I wish you didn’t have to take time off from your weekend to turn the yesterthread car around, but I thank you for doing so. I love this place too much to see it stunk up with political and ad hominem ugliness.

    Go Milford! Valley Tech sucks!

  17. True Fable
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    # 15 Josh – I’m going to work on this right away! I might call it “Bully Pulpit”!

  18. John C Fremont
    November 1st, 2008 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Josh! Now go out there and enjoy your weekend off!

  19. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    William Howard Taft was stuck in the bathtub again.

    “Why don’t they make larger tubs?” he seethed as he grabbed some soap and water and rubbed it over his large, voluptuous body. He looked out the window to see, to his utter joy, Theodore riding up to the White House, naked, on his prized steed.

    Ok, that’s as far as I can go without vomiting.

  20. Whippersnapper
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    I’m not clever enough to find T/R slash, but here’s something True Fable might enjoy:
    http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/10/25/funny-pictures-scape-goat-gets-caught/

    Surely, the goat was wrongly accused!

  21. Jim
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m sorry the assholes ruined your thread, Josh. Thankfully in three days all this political bull will be over with… hopefully.

  22. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Who had time to make political comments when all those delicious children were just showing up at my door last night?

  23. hekatesgal
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    “Speak softly and carry a big stick” Taft-etta murmered under his breath as his mustache tickled the ear of Teddy.

  24. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    For those worried about less trick or treaters from yesterthread:

    Part of it is that the places people go to trick or treat have changed. My church has something called “trunk or treat” every year, along with a carnival, on Halloween. People decorate their cars in whatever way they want, put handing in the trunk and hand them out to kids as they pass by. Our church college group had the “medieval” theme. We had a van and set up a huge tend over it and made a little maze inside, hung up cobwebs, etc. We had a queen and king sitting out front and the kids could take pictures for free with them. I was a princess =P and my friend Ben was an executioner. We won the contest for the best setup ^_^.

    Anyway, it’s a nice way for kids to trick or treat without their parents having to worry so much about kidnapping, etc. There are also rides, games, and hotdogs. It’s really nice. We had a couple thousand kids there last night.

  25. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    We had a nice moderate evening of trick-or-treaters. I was on a mile-long candy hike with my daughter and some friends, so I didn’t see it. Last year I was handing out the candy at our previous residence in West Springfield, MA, where our street (two or three blocks long, depending on which side you walk down) got hundreds of kids every year because parents in Springfield proper would drive over the bridge, and ours was the first neighborhood they got to. Ground Zero Bar, if they still had Zero Bars (which I’m not at all sure about) and if they had them in small enough sizes to give out (ditto).

    There were a lot fewer kids dressed up as Taft this year. Of course, it is a different neighborhood. And town. And state. And year.

  26. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and now I will actually comment on the comics:

    A3G: Well, that does it. The kiss of death. Gary will go the way of Alan, and the way Eric is going to go if they ever finish hid excruciating storyline. The only question is, how? Will there be a hostage situation at the hospital? Well he get cancer? Will it turn out that he’s always felt more like a WOMAN, g et a sex change, and go through a wacky situation where people keep mistaking him for Tommy? Keep tuning in over the next two years and find out!

    Baldo: Who?

  27. Canaduck
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for keeping that kind of stuff off your page, Josh. I come here to laugh, not to debate with people.

  28. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Josh. Very sorry you had to interrupt your weekend.

    # 7 Angry Kem — Per the (benign part of) yesterthread, I forgot that Niall is a chocolate connoisseur like I’ve never met. If Niall is bringing chocolate, I’ll just bring mashed potatoes.

    I hope you are having a nice Saturday.

  29. GWH
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Only on this blog would the idea of TR/Taft slashfic come about. That is truly change we can believe in

  30. Canaduck
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    That was hilarious, hekatesgal (23)!

  31. CanuckDownSouth
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Y369-Angry Kem Sorry to hear that. You may have a personality high on “I” in the Myers-Briggs (intro/extro)version. Nothing to do with liking people or wanting to be alone vs getting to interact, etc – but rather having to do with “energy drain from being with a large group” vs “energy boost from being with a large group”. I suggest having a book chapter/ favourite video and a stash of chocolate waiting for you afterward every time there’s a potentially stressful event :-)

  32. Eric the baker
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Oh Teddy, when you said to carry a large stick, I never realized just how large! Why don’t you bring your luscious self over here, and you can shoot my rhino! Mmm, yes, yes, speak softly in my ear and hit me with you large stick.

    Okay, that’s enough from me.

  33. Eric the baker
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    FW: Les, you can stop wondering what happened. It’s simple. Batiuk’s shambling depression took hold of you and everyone in town. That’s all. See, you can relax now.

  34. ~*taft_gurl*~
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    “William, you damned fool,” Roosevelt said. “An independent judiciary?”

    Taft sighed. “It was a stupid thing to fight over, Teddy. I’m – I’m sorry.”

    “You’d damn well better be sorry. Wilson’s going to win, and I dare say he’ll tax us all to death.” Roosevelt sighed, and leaned back in his overstuffed armchair. He polished his glasses absentmindedly with the edge of his bathrobe. “You’re looking well yourself, though, William.”

    Taft blushed and pushed back a strand of his light blond hair. He was sitting on the edge of the sofa, and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. Roosevelt had always done this to him, made him nervous and uncomfortable, like he was an awkward overweight schoolboy again. What did they call him? A cowboy? Yes, that’s what he was. Compared to him, how could Taft ever measure up?

    Roosevelt stood and crossed the room, standing over Taft. “Is there a reason you want us to lose?” Taft could smell him, a whiff of tobacco and leather.

    He shook his head. “I can’t – I can’t talk about it, Teddy. You wouldn’t understand.”

    Roosevelt placed one strong hand on Taft’s uncovered head, caressing his jowly cheek. Taft froze, unsure of himself, unsure of everything. Roosevelt placed his fingers under Taft’s chin, tilting his head up. “You’d be surprised what this cowboy understands,” he said, and leaned down quickly, pressing his mouth against Taft’s surprised lips.

    ——–
    A knock on the door woke the two men up. The young voice came through the wall: “Mr. Roosevelt? Are you there? Mr. Roosevelt, they’re saying Wilson has the labor vote. Mr. Roosevelt?” Taft picked his head up off of the pillow.

    “Don’t worry about it William,” Roosevelt said, and pulled him closer.
    “Let’s sleep in.”

  35. Jessica
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Dana Summers has the right idea aobut the election…it can’t be over soon enough. BTW the link is to a political cartoon expressing that sentiment :)

  36. Jamus The Bartender
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Wow.
    I guess I shouldn’t write that ” Cat And Curmugeon ” story where Cassandra , the Governor of Alaska and your’s etc. go everywhere on the Bridge to Nowhere *drumshot*

  37. http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/
    November 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

  38. Tragic Magic
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    #12- So without his cat, Jon becomes Ziggy?

  39. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    He becomes like Ziggy on psychedilics

  40. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    or psychedelics

  41. Harpa
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy? More like Zippy…

  42. lorazia
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    #34 – Oh ~*taft_gurl*~, you made my day. I’ve definitely seen worse fanfiction out there.

  43. ishkabibble
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    You’re evil, eeeee-villlll. Unfortunately now all I can think of now is the character “Teddy Brewster” from the movie “Arsenic and Old Lace.” Some of his lines in the Taft/TR context become really funny.

    Teddy Brewster: [to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha] General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size.

    Teddy Brewster: What news have you brought me?
    Mortimer Brewster: Just this, Mr. President, the country is squarely behind you.
    Teddy Brewster: Yes, I know.

  44. bartcow
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    For the first 100 posts or so, I was really enjoying the Pot/Kettle family reunion. Then I started to feel embarrassed. Then I got bored and started drinking.
    Finally Josh came by and announced it was finally time to start driving home. Exhausted, I passed out in the back seat and woke up just as we pulled into the driveway.

    That’s pretty much how my real family reunions go. Thanks for the ride home, Josh.

  45. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    #41 – good point

  46. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    #45- I see what you did there.

  47. True Fable
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    #20 Whippersnapper – GOAT! Goat in lockdown!

  48. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G“I’m sorry, Gary, I’ve cried all over you.” “It’s okay. I needed to change these pants anyway.”

    Archie – What happened to Jughead’s real mom? Did she replace Ms. Grundy? This dressed-for-success career woman is not the needlesnosed, sleepy-eyed Mrs. Jones!

    AD – Telephones. Jokes about famous people of the last decade. Reports of Hart’s demise seem to have been exaggerated.

    Crock – Crock misses the old days when you died alone in the desert without laptops. How many times did he die alone in the desert, anyway? And what freaking year does this thing take place in?

    DTracy“You wouldn’t believe what I’m witnessing, Chief!” “Is it our robot, Dick?” “No, it looks like a robot dick!” And — oh my god! — he can trash talk! (I know it’s an optical illusion, but he looks good with that wavy hair coming off the front of his head. The robot, I mean. Tracy never looks good.)

    GAlley – Hey, how about instead of “1563,” the picture said “1-5-63.” Then Scancarelli wouldn’t have to make up the backstory about the artist trying to forge his ancestor, and it would have been less convoluted, and more logical and… aw, never mind.

  49. Angry Kem
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    #31 CanuckDownSouth: I’ve taken the MB test, and I’m a pretty firm INFP. I do know that social interaction drains me.

    No, I am not having a good Saturday. I’m behind on everything. Weekends should not be this stressful. Ah well.

    I think we may need a death pool on Gary as well…plus possibly Eric.

  50. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    GThorp – Looks like Lisa’s doctor moonlights. And so we end the harmless charade that sent six-foot-tall, nine-inch-long Jeff Ponczak into the daily risk of sudden death while his friend covered for him. Masky McDeath will have a good laugh over this one. [hat tip to boojum for calling it] [anybody want to double down and speculate on whether the results got switched twice? three times?]

    H&Jamaal – It won’t take Herb long to check that book with the cross on it. It’s a board book with two pages. Page one: Be good. Page two: Avoid evil. Back of page two: Picture of kids crossing the street safely, while Jesus acts as a crossing guard.

    JParker – It’s sort of a relief to know that Dixie Julep will never become Dixie Duggan.

    MFmore – Okay, this joke is acceptable. That’s nice. No, wait. I’ll say it. It’s f. It’s f. It’s funny.

    MTrail“Charlie, PLEASE, this is not the time… We’ll talk about it later!” “Don’t go spoiling everything before we even have our first kiss or outward manifestation of physical affection! JEEZ, Charlie!”

    Mduke – [Pee-wee Herman voice] MAD DOG! MAD DOG! Haha!

    Momma – Who’s he humping under there?

  51. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    MT — *warning, geek mode ahead* — In real life, there would be various conservation options for the wetland property. They could range from a permanent conservation easement or land donation (which could mean a nice tax break for the developer) to a low-impact conservation development that would leave most of the wetland intact. In any case, I’d like to know how wetland permits fit into this storyline, because just paying off local officials to rezone the land wouldn’t ordinarily solve that problem. Wetland permits involve federal and state laws, not just local ordinances. *end geek mode*

  52. Ralph Kramden
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    #46 – Thanks. It was subtle.

  53. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    # 43 ishkabibble — Ah, memories. I played Aunt Abby back in high school, and we spent part of one rehearsal looking for potentially-dirty dialogue. (I’m reasonably certain we were all virgins at the time — ah, youth.) One line I remember was “Point your gun the other way!”

  54. tuna
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    hate to sound like a brown noser but josh is right. this sort of thing isn’t cool. this is the sort of thing i expect from middle schoolers. so what if the other guy’s voting for a diffrent candidate? it’s america it’s his/her choice and its says in the constitution that all voting is a secret ballot and NO ONE can be penalized for it. that incudes between citizens. so leave it outside the site or don’t post at all. and as to what josh writes in the actual post, its his site. you have a problem with that go make your own.

  55. Shmork
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    For some reason I always had it in my mind since elementary school that Franklin Roosevelt died in a hot tub, but apparently this is not exactly the case. Hmm.

  56. bats :[
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    I’ve met Josh, and he is such a good, funny, and level-headed guy that having him say something as PG-rated “jerkfaces” is amazingly cutting.

    Thanks for being here, Josh. I’ll put some of my leftover Halloween stash in the freezer for you when you and Amber come back to Tucson. Although it better be soon.

    And Godspeed, Studs Terkel.

  57. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    BF — Has a pool been established on what’s going to happen to Tamara? This storyline is bringing back bad memories from years ago when I tried to help someone who was having emotional-abuse problems. Fortunately, she was able to get a divorce with no physical injury or violence and is now doing well, but this story creeps me out more than I expected.

  58. Jumper
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    Wo, I like “Garfield minus Garfield” linked above.

    Well, now it’s off to the Knitting Discussion website, where I’ll try to stir up an argument about the death penalty, then it’s over to Chocolate Lovers to insult everyone’s religion. After that it’s a relaxing afternoon at a mineral collector’s forum where I’ll try to get people angry about fascism in the fashion industry. And heroin.

  59. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Poteet @53 – I portrayed Jonathan Brewster in about 1980, when I would have been 23. It was a fun cast, though I really wanted to be Dr. Einstein (as who wouldn’t?), but the part was first given to an actor who was way too overstated for it, and then the director’s husband stepped in and stole the show in the part. I had a brief thrill when someone who had lived in England wanted to hear me talk in an American accent. Unfortunately, I took sick around the time of performances, and they thoughtfully spotted a trash can just off stage, just in case. Even if I’d been well, I’d have had a bit of a problem with the female lead, whose appealing build concealed muscles of steel, and when she method-acted fear of me, practically threw me around the stage.

    But it was worth it. I learned the Melbourne Method.

  60. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Peanuts“Oh, Great Pumpkin, you’re going to drive me crazy!!!” Be fair, Linus. It’s not really the Great Pumpkin that’s gaslighting you, it’s your so-called friends, and in particular, Lying’ Ol’ Charlie Brown, whose impassive demeanor hides a festering evil resentment older than time.

    PBS – In a sense, Pig is right. However, he should have had the wisdom to do what I did and just point the camera at the TV so that all those memories can be conveniently recalled at will on Nick at Nite and TV Land.

    Phantom – Special guest appearance today by rock group/Barbarella reference Guran Guran!

    Popeye – Aw, how adorable! Quoik fell asleep while trying to asphyxiate Swee’Pea. And best of all, when he’s asleep, he doesn’t say “Quark!” in every panel he appears in!

    R=R – Well, I have to admit that buying a wish for the next unsuspecting passerby is kind of a cute idea.

  61. sallymonella
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    I usually don’t comment, or even read the comments, but I’m very sorry to hear that things got ugly. This is one of my very favorite places on the whole internet, and I’m glad you’re getting all “tough guy” on the offenders.

    Um, I didn’t even know who Dolly was supposed to be until you made that post. I thought she was some kind of librarian. Hmmm. The more you know, etc.

  62. CanuckDownSouth
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    #49-AK. Hope your weekend gets better. I’m a strong INTJ, so I was just paraphrasing bits of advice I’ve heard on how to deal with draining situations. On the plus side for dealing with anything this weekend, there’s tons of discounted candy today :)

    Yeah, weekends should not be this busy. The details would bore you, but of course it includes grading…

    For BF I vote against Tamara dying. Injured and in hospital by American Thanksgiving, yes, but BFriends isn’t the Winkerverse. You’re allowed to survive.

  63. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    6Chix“I’ve been thinking… after we get married, i’d like a big family! 6 kids… or even a dozen!” “! Maybe you should marry a chicken!” Great idea! Then they could have… Six Chicks! Wo. Cosmic feedback loop.

    SSmith – I had to do something like this once, for something I didn’t do. I had to write, 500 times, “I will not talk. I will pay attention. I will sing during Music.” I passive-aggressed my way through it by belatedly turning in something far short of 500 times, microscopically small, and containing such gems as “I will talk. I will not pay attention. I will sing during social studies.” The teacher, however, outdid me by dropping it, unread, into the trash on the spot. Oh, he was good. Really, he was one of my favorite teachers, but there’s something about being punished for something you didn’t do that rankles, y’ know?

    S-Man“You cut them from the wall! “No, you dolt! I used my time powers to… time them… no, to [let's see here: watch, clock, minute, hour, second... face... dial... damn it!]… yeah, I freaking cut them from the freaking wall. Just shut up, okay?” (five minutes later) “Wait! I think I’ve got one involving the word ‘watch’! Listen to this …”

  64. AhClem
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    My neighbors took their almost-2 year old daughter out trick-or-treating last night. All 3 of them were dressed at Taft, assuming Taft had a penchant for wearing yellow and black striped bumblebee outfits.

  65. Ukulele Ike
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    JP: I’m somewhat shocked that there haven’t been more comments on the lady detective’s weird fetish dress. Is this what the blue-collar types are wearing to dinner in Phoenix these days?

    I’m even more shocked to find that right-wingers read the funny papers. I thought they were busy with more serious endeavors, such as grinding widows and orphans under their heels.

    (“widows and orphans” wisecrack stolen from eminent Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock and not meant as commentary on our conservative brethern. Please do not ban me.)

  66. Angry Kem
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    #64 AhClem: I saw a lot of Taft costumes yesterday too. It’s amazing how versatile the guy is. Why, my Tafts looked like Dr. Horrible, Robin Hood, Picasso’s Blue Period, the Ontario College of Art and Design, Harry Potter, Beetlejuice, and Rorschach. That Taft…such a wily shape-shifter! I shall name my first child after him, most definitely.

  67. Gabacho
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – You know, as a romantic strategy – switch medical records with your friend, deceive the coach, put your beloved in mortal danger on the football field, lie to all, dress in a cheerleader’s skirt – this doesn’t work. He’s still straight and he will still never love you. He might let you pleasure him, but will not love you. Trust me, I’ve been there.

    Political Point of View – I for one will not tolerate the constant barrage of Bull Moose propaganda on this board and if you don’t agree with me, I will take your name and post things. Not funny things but things that someone who is not funny would think is funny. So there.

    Taft would have been fine if only his valet had not forgotten the butter and I have proof that his valet was a Rough Rider, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

    Apoulougy to Our Nourthern Neighbours – we usually like to keep our politics and comics separately except when we don’t. Just think of it as political hockey match only not as polite.

    Now, I must go out and vigorously support my candidate for high office who is far superior to the other candidates for office. That’s right. I am the chairman of the “Herb/Jamal Campaign for Whatever It Is We Need” committee.

  68. bats :[
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    62. CDS: our Target stores were awash in 50% off candy. One had a LOT of outdoor (read, HEAVY RESIN) decor, like gargoyles, tombstones and vultures. But you know, even at 50% off, do I really need a 4-foot-tall Grim Reaper that’s only $65?
    (No. I really need a Boba Fett Christmas figurine that I saw ONCE last December that had Han Solo in carbonite standing behind him, with a bow around it and a tag that read ‘To: Jabba the Hutt’…)

    66. Angry Kem: I was leaning toward Taft for my first born child’s name as well, but I think I’ve been swayed by Jiggly McSickfingers. Does that count as a first name or as a first name and a middle name?

  69. Toronto
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    AhClem@64: No, you’re confusing Taft with Rutherford “Bee” Hayes.

  70. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    # 59 Muffaroo — Bwahaha!! I’d forgotten all about the Melbourne Method.

    Your story brought back another memory. During one rehearsal, our Teddy Brewster was on the landing yelling “CHARGE!” when it collapsed under him and he seriously hurt an ankle. Today, that would probably mean a lawsuit. Back then, it meant, if I remember correctly, that he just somehow managed to play the part with a gimpy leg. He was one of the better actors among us, but of course we were just high school kids. Sounds like you were an actual trooper who suffered for your art.

    # 62 Canuck — I also vote against Tamara dying. Who knows, if it were the Winkerverse, Creep Hubbie might shoot her and then himself. I’m glad it isn’t.

  71. Laura Brown
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    Well, I still say kids shouldn’t drink with monkeys.

    (10 points for reference.)

  72. temporarilyjaded
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    #4 True Fable…

    I should know when I click on any link that you post, I am going to be “goat-rolled” It is definitely a conditioned response; see blue, press and prepare to be amazed…

  73. temporarilyjaded
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    by the way True Fable, in my book, happiness is a warm goat…

  74. boojum
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Dammit, dammit, dammit! Here I’ve spent three freakin’ years on my 800-page (handwritten in purple Sharpee) slashfic on Grover Cleveland and Benjamin Harrison…!!

    Why, oh why was I born out of synch with my times?

  75. temporarilyjaded
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    I think COTW belongs to Josh’s last comment on that terrible nasty flame thread…

  76. dyslexic dog
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Y384 – Uncle Lumpy:

    I know who I want to see as his successor. Mmmm. . . stripey!

    Yes, she would be a right (fist) hot tamale, but could she produce this?

  77. tb4000
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    I doubt the ones that do this care about getting banned or reprimanded…some people just crave drama.

  78. Often imitated, never duplicated, the one, the only Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    11/1

    FC: On second look, Dolly is definitely Mrs Beasley in businesswear. I guess some treat-givers will have some fond memories of getting high to Family Affair reruns.

    JP: I can just imagine the hotel desk clerk directing Detective Roberts up to Sam’s room in her tiny black slit dress. Barely holding his smirk down until she was on the elevator and thinking, “So, they give call girls badges now?”

    RMMD: I’m also having fun picturing next week’s post-almost-drowning conversations. “Thanks for saving my life, Doc. But when you were giving me mouth-to-mouth, why did you keep calling me Niki?”

    A3G: Next! Ray, out on bail, is still looking for drugs. He finds out that Gary is holding out on him, too.

    H&L: The text that Chip was texting just appeared over his head so his dad could read it. Hi’s look of alarm is because he just realized that one or both of them have superpowers.

    H&J: I knew that Herb was short, at least in comparison with NBA vet Jamaal. I didn’t know that the Good Book was half his total size. Are we sure he doesn’t have Id royal blood?

    9CL: I always thought that when you were gettin’ comfy on a hotel bed, the subject of communicable diseases would be something of a moodkiller. I now stand corrected.

    GT: A stupid plan, but arguably no stupider than the doctor who they bamboozled until six weeks into football season.

    Blondie: Dagwood picks interesting topics in his sleep? Why not when he’s awake? Anyway, thanks for the fanservice.

    BSt: Ted’s Khruscchev impression needs work.

    Big Dog: And the date’s not over. M-Dawg is being pleasured by a Pomeranian as they speak. Ack!

    On a final note, I wish to keep Comics Curmudgeon free of partisan rancor. So to prove that people with differing political alignments can really “come together” I’m going to make my slash involve Grover Cleveland and Benjamin Harrison. It’s going to be hot.

  79. Revenge of Chesnut
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    I will never think of the “Bull Moose”/Republican Party split of 1912 again. And I will think of it again, don’t you worry.

  80. dyslexic dog
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Warning! annoying fat joke ahead—

    Justice Brewer of the Supreme Court said that ‘Taft is the politest man in Washington; the other day he gave up his seat in a street-car to three ladies.

  81. Revenge of Chesnut
    November 1st, 2008 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    *quite the same way

    Obvs.

  82. boojum
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    78. OI,ND,TO,TOAFKaBen:

    Ahem. Please see my post at 74. You lawyers will be hearing from my lawyers, sirrah!

    Cad.

  83. Angry Kem
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    #78: I was thinking the Canadians could get in on the act with some nice Louis Riel / John A. MacDonald slash. Why should the Americans have all the, er, fun?

  84. boojum
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I’m so upset, I can’t spell straight.

  85. Cheeky Wee Monkeys
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    If more countries had icons like the US’s Uncle Sam, we could write horrible international slash fics.

    It would either bring world peace or cause people to smash their faces into brick walls in a motion similar to that of drinking birds.

  86. goldamarlin
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    I dunno, I think Josh was just a little naive, and what happened was utterly predictable:

    “Doop de doop, it’s the weekend before an extremely high-tension election, with plenty of established vitriol on both sides. Guess I’ll leave my high-traffic website’s comment threads open and unsupervised while I nip off on vacation. And I’ll even announce that I’m doing it. What could possibly go wrong?”

    It’s like leaving your teenager alone the weekend after exams, with the liquor cabinet unlocked, several loaded guns in the house, and the keys to your sports car ready at hand. Or, in the words of a certain administration, “no one could ever have expected anything like this would happen.”

    Not excusing the choads in the other thread, but crikey, it’s not a real shock that this place became Crazytown, is it?

  87. Anonymous & Onymous
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Continued where ~*taft_gurl*~ left off and with some inspiration from AhClem @64:

    “Would you… would you just call me Will,” Taft replied. Gosh darn it, he hated this kind of nervousness.

    “Will. We were fools. Together, we could’ve beat Wilson. But now we know, we’ll always be stronger together than apart.” The hairs of his mustache susurrated gently against Taft’s face. “Umm… your mustache tickles!”

    “Speak for yourself! As I recall, last night–”

    “Look, about that,” Taft interrupted. “Is this just going to be a one-time thing?”

    Roosevelt sighed. “I guess I hadn’t thought about what I’d do if we both lost the election. I don’t think I can go back to Edith and the children right now. Maybe I’ll go to South America this time; the beauty of nature, and all that.”

    “If you’ll be my flower, Teddy, I’ll be your bumble bee–until you go.”

    The two men drifted lazily back to sleep.

  88. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    Taft and Roosevelt? Hmmm…In the spirit of bipartisanship.

  89. bats :[
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    88. Dean Booth: it always comes back to the bathtub, doesn’t it?

  90. agony
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    85 “If more countries had icons like the US’s Uncle Sam, we could write horrible international slash fics. ”

    The Canadian icon IS a beaver, after all…..

  91. queek
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    90: add in the Russian bear, and the whole concept gets furry really quick.

  92. Angry Kem
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    I don’t understand B.C., so I have medievalised it.

    And now I think I shall curl up in a ball and whimper. Stupid Saturday.

  93. commodorejohn
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    #90 agony – Well, that certainly raises some interesting possibilities…
    (NWS, as if the discussion wasn’t already.)

  94. Beatrice
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    I just hope that next year Dolly goes as Amy Winehouse, so that we can have a crack vs. blow flamewar.

  95. PeterW
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    anyone else hate the new Comics.com already? I try to minimize my downscrolling when I read comics, so it’s annoying to be greeted by a full page of filler.

    Single-panel comics are resolved at the same width as strips, meaning they are a page and a half tall.

    And any links I had to UnitedMedia.com strips are now broken because they migrated to Comics.com.

    Congratulations, Huston Chronicle! I’m now going to you for all my Comics.com strips!

  96. bats :[
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    95. PeterW: oh, crap on a cracker! First gocomics.com screwing up its website, and now comics.com!
    commodorejohn has produced a bloat-free version of the gocomics.com site, but there are a few strips that he doesn’t include, and while they were interesting, they weren’t interesting enough for me to bug him about including (or for me to keep following independently, for that matter — there are only so many hours in a day).
    Well, pthththththth!

  97. commodorejohn
    November 1st, 2008 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    #96 bats :[ – Well, I’m entirely open to suggestions for strips to add; it’s a trivial addition to the script, I just didn’t feel like doing all of them the first time I typed it up. If you do have anything you’d like to read, just lemme know.

  98. Cheeky Wee Monkeys
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Aw man. Why do the comic sites have to be difficult to navigate? The focus should be on the comics, not the site.

    More reason to pick up the books, I guess! I was super, super super super happy to find a Cul de Sac book at a local book store.

  99. nerowolfgal
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    I was going to write a Roosevelt/Taft slash fic but as I began, I typed

    “Oh Teddy, your body is hard and powerful, just like your gums…”

    That one spelling mistake was enough to stop me dead. It is amazing the change that typing a “m” instead of an “n” makes, but I now just can’t get the image of a toothless Roosevelt out of my head.

  100. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    And you know what they say about toothless people in the bedroom…

  101. C. Havoc
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been away for a couple days…

    Did I miss anything?

  102. Vince M
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    DT: Uh oh, is this leading up to an exchange of ‘your motherboard’ jokes? (Oh hush, somebody had to say it)

    These last two comments pages reminded me of a comic book story in a 1972 National Lampoon titled, if I recall correctly, ‘The Sexual Proclivities of William Howard Taft’…no president-on-president action, alas.

  103. dyslexic dog
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    #102 – Vince M:

    It was “The Oral Passions of William Howard Taft,” from February, 1973, and no, ol’ dd can’t find it.

  104. Brick Bradford
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    To his amazement and dismay, Taft had become stuck in the bathtub of Roosevelt’s summer home. Little did he know that his efforts to wiggle his soap slick body free were being observed through the cut out eyes of a painting of William McKinley. Suddenly a thrill of fear and passion went through his fleshy white form as he heard a familiar voice whisper, “Bully!”.

    I just made myself throw up.

  105. Dicky
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    26, Howabominable: Rosa Bermúdez is Baldo and Gracie’s deceased mother. I’m assuming that this whole week was basically a setup for Día de los Muertos. So maybe a nice celebratory Sunday strip at the cemetery.

  106. kalki
    November 1st, 2008 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I’m not seeing any penetration yet. You guys better get busy before Monday hits. I’ll know what happens if Edda has a ballerina skit where she is more limber than she was before.

    Archie: Just beat him to death, Ma.

    Blondie: Translation: Shut up and plow her, Dagwood.

    Fam Circ: Just throw dog treats in the front yard and they will go away.

    FW: Summer should just put Les on an ice floe and float him out to sea now to die. Don’t wait another day.

    Luann: That panel…that is the moment when Luann’s dad realized that his daughter would end up working in a brothel in Nevada just after high school graduation.

  107. John C Fremont
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    # 102 (Vince M) and 103 (dyslexic dog) – Yes! Someone else remembers! I have never been able to think about Taft the same since then. Yuck.

    That entire issue was one of the best Lampoons ever. Wish I still had my copy. (sigh)

    Now I feel like Pig.

  108. The Divine O'F
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Ukelele Ike said at #65: <>

    Yes. Yes, it is.

  109. The Divine O'F
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Josh–thanks so much for mellowing the harsh. You’re the best.

  110. Idols of Mud
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, Josh, but I will NOT stop speaking the TRUTH. And the TRUTH is that James B. Weaver and his free silver message are dangerous to the INDUSTRY and INTEGRITY of this country. Eschew the foul Populists!

  111. Don, the Rebel without a Blog
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    John C. Fremont,

    James Buchanan told me to tell you he hates you, he hates you, he HATES you!

  112. Idols of Mud
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and . . .

    September 6, 1912. William Howard Taft hears a knock at his door.

    “Come in?” he said

    Walking in, Teddy Roosevelt. Taft surveyed his old friend coolly.

    “Mr. Roosevelt,” he said.

    “Mr. Taft, please,” Roosevelt said, doffing his cowboy hat. “Let us not speak of past affairs. The fact is that our dispute has split the progressive vote, and, I fear, will allow Mr. Wilson an easy walk into the White House.”

    “And whose fault is that?” Taft thundered. “It was not MY ambition that led us here! It was not MY policies that led to this painful division! Withdraw your candidacy, sir, and we will talk of reform!”

    “Never!” Roosevelt cried. “You conservatism forced the progressives out! I would call you many things, but a reformer? Never!”

    Taft raised up and slapped Roosevelt across cheek. Roosevelt stumbled, then glared at Taft.

    “Then how,” Roosevelt said, “do you propose a reunion of our bodies?”

    A moment of silence, and then, like a thunderclap, the two men kissed passionately, rubbing their hands down one another’s backs.

    In the distance, a wah-wah pedal sounded.

  113. Idols of Mud
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    I wrote the thing above not seeing taftgurl’s opus at #34. Well done.

  114. user-of-owls
    November 1st, 2008 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    Josh, that’s just not true! I do too subscribe to My Political Philosophy. In fact, the November issue arrived in the mail just today. Harumph.

  115. Tim O'Shenko
    November 1st, 2008 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    #78, re: A3G – “Liars! All of you!”

  116. Old School Allie Cat
    November 1st, 2008 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    I, too had a lot of Tafts at the door last night – assuming Taft wears modern day street clothes popular among teenagers and isn’t so much trick-or-treating per se, but really just wants free candy.

    Dozens and dozens of Tafts, and they each got a Reeses or Kit Kat. Those who dressed other than Taft, which is to say in a margforking costume got two or three pieces of candy. Partisan candygiver that I am.

    I hear they didn’t call old TR a “rough rider” for nothin’!

    In the Jon Stewart America book, it talks about how Taft weighed over 300 pounds, but also, he’s the only president to have also served on the Supreme Court – then it goes on to ask – “which fact do you think more people remember?”

    Keep up the sexy politicfic!

  117. Ptychozoon
    November 1st, 2008 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Idols of Mud:
    Your post is so hot. I feel inspired to write a slash fic between Andrew Jackson and Calvin Coolidge.

  118. DavidMac
    November 1st, 2008 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    JOSH: Yes, you’re right. That silly first amendment that gives Americans the right of free political speech has no standing on Comic Curmudgeon. Pass Josh’s Law that restricts posters to only comment about the specific cartoons/comics that you have designated.

    What do these Americans think they are anyway? Free?

  119. Shutupeccles
    November 1st, 2008 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    “I probably shouldn’t have mentioned any of the major candidates in a post before I left of the weekend anyway”

    BOLLOCKS! It’s YOUR blog Josh, feel free to say what you want. It’s not your fault the trolls came out in droves.

  120. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    Vince M, dyslexic dog, and John C Fremont – Oh, I still have that National Lampoon — the Decadence issue, I seem to recall. It was drawn by Gray Morrow (in top form), and possibly written by Ed Bluestone, who was sometimes neck and neck with Michael O’Donoghue in the creative department. Without going to the box it’s in, I’d say Ed also wrote a memorable quote: “I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no cock.”

  121. Old School Allie Cat
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    #117 – Ptychozoon – Only problem with that is that while Andrew Jackson was one hot tamale in the sack, Coolidge was somewhat of a cold fish.

    Or at least, that’s what I walked away from my 11th Grade History class believing.

  122. Shutupeccles
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    Ah! Arsenic and Old Lace…A Halloween tradition that sadly, has fallen by the wayside.

    Also, I had a radio show called “The Melbourne Method” for many years.

    [cue music] Memmmm-or-eeeessss

  123. Uncle Lumpy
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    There’s a phenomenon in Psychology known as “the Coolidge effect” –

    <cribbed from wiki>

    The term comes from an old joke, according to which President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.

    “Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,” pointedly replied the First Lady.

    The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, “Does each rooster service the same hen each time?”

    “No,” replied the farmer, “there are many hens for each rooster.”

    “Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,” replied the President.

    </cribbed from wiki>

    What would the “Taft effect” be?

  124. essteess
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    John Fremont, Dyslexic Dog, Vince M.-
    I _know_ for a fact that I still have that particular NatLamp issue. Random quotes remembered:

    “…and you’ll stay in your room until you learn that Grandma does not want lips on that part of her body!”

    “Governor, the Tongues and Vaults are at it again! Bloodshed is rampant, chaos reigns supreme, and all the nice people are cursing!”

    “If Mr. Bryan has nothing to hide, then why will he not face me in a pie-eating contest?”

  125. name sake
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    Sighing, Taft could feel the tear sliding down his face. He lifted himself up in one shoulder, the apple from his picnic rolled off his stomach. As he knew the day must end, he heard a little tap. On the edge of the blanket, rooseveltie the sveltie was getting his bathtub shaped pipe umptied by the hairy back of his hand.
    “Must you go back to Lindsey?” He groaned.
    The chin and moustache’ both nodded in time with the tapping.
    {cue creepy international love/horror music, a plinking piano}
    Taft pulled out the knife, stood up, and put his shirt back on.
    “Damn Canadians.” He said, growling.

    I am sick. (Oh, and thanxs Josh.)

  126. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    I said it once before and I’ll say it again — together, we Mudges could write a soft-porn epic that would blow NAKED CAME THE STRANGER waaaay out of the water.

    Not that I’m suggesting it.

  127. Hugh Manatee: "Taft's Sweet 16th Amentment"
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    “The final draft of the 16th Amendment, Mr. President.”

    William Taft turned his head to view the speaker through his glasses. An aid stood standing in the balcony’s doorway, the very picture of overindulgence at the oval office: tie loose around his neck, shirt slightly askew, with a champagne flute in one hand and a folder in the other.

    With a sigh, President Taft held out a steady hand to receive the reason for the night’s festivities. Opening the folder and glancing at the front page, he again felt disappointed amusement that so many months of listening to people talk were required to produce a single sentence. But he had noted it before: ‘We are all imperfect, we cannot expect perfect government. And the world will not be saved by legislation’ He closed the folder and nodded his approval to the slightly perplexed aid.

    “Is something wrong, sir? I thought you’d be happier—Amendments to the Constitution are no small feat. And your guests have noted your absence; this party is in your honor …”

    “I am afraid I am a constant disappointment to my party. The fact of the matter is, the longer I am President the less of a party man I seem to become. However, forgive me. I will be out soon enough, and in better spirits—I needed a moment in the company of absent friends rather than present guests.”

    Grinning, the aid lifted his champagne flute in a toast to the glass of scotch sitting within easy reach of the President’s hand.

    “There aren’t any ‘better spirits’ than your personal stash of scotch, Mr. President. I’ll sit on the lid of some of the louder and more insistent guests until you’re ready.” With a salute, the tipsy aid began to close the balcony’s door—but paused, and after a quick searching look at Taft’s face, said, “It’s not my place, but… I’m sure he’s taken similar moments to think of you, sir. You two were closer than brothers, and I’m sure he’d be proud of you tonight.” Pulling the door closed, the aid quickly retreated back into the anonymity of the crowd.

    Surprised at how obvious and transparent he had become, President Taft returned to his interrupted line of thought. Presidents may go to the seashore or to the mountains, cabinet officers may go about the country, but old lovers, it seemed, may go on extended safari in Africa. He hoped his Teddy Bear was improved by the vacation: leaving the presidency reduced Roosevelt to a mere phantom of his once-vivacious self, a ghost who walked among the political machine. But his Teddy Bear did enjoy hunting, and the great outdoors did always bring a smile to his face, and certainly worked up some of his manlier appetites…

    Cheered by the prospect of his lover’s eventual return, President Taft smiled and prepared to really celebrate his sweet 16th Amendment party.

  128. Hugh Manatee
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    # 125: rooseveltie the sveltie.

    that’s… that’s amazing.

  129. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t Taft and Roosevelt once have a lemon party with Archie Butt?

  130. Shutupeccles
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    Yesterthread 323 Rusty:

    Canadian? Oh fine, blow my prediction out of the water just like that!

    Fine.

    [folds arms and pouts]

  131. dyslexic dog
    November 1st, 2008 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    Naked Came the Sveltie

  132. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    Andrew Jacksoff
    James Knox Poke
    Millard Fillme
    Abraham Dinkin’
    Grover Cleveland Steamer
    Warren G. Hardon
    Hairy Ass Trueman
    Lyndon’s Johnson
    Bill Clittin’
    George Bush.

  133. Zaq
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    My philosophy with regards to trick-or-treaters of varying ages is that if you show up in a good enough costume, you can qualify as a trick-or-treater probably up to 15 or 16, but the bar for what counts as a good enough costume gets higher and higher every year. It’s more art than science, but I feel that an off-the-rack costume will only get you to about 12 or 13, and it’s sort of a function of creativity and effort. Neither one is enough without the other, but a dearth of one can be made up for with a lot of work in the other. And I expect a 16-year-old to have put a hell of a lot more effort into their costume than a 13-year-old. Showing up in just a mask, though, or a hat and a cape, will earn you little more than a stern glare. That said, I don’t live in an area that actually gets any trick-or-treaters to speak of, but I stand by my statement.

    So, comics, from both Friday and Saturday…

    S-M: I’ve long contended that the newspaper Spider-Man bears a lot of resemblances to a really bad and really poorly narrated game of D&D. Friday’s strip in particular isn’t helping matters one bit. Also, for Saturday’s strip, all I can say is SECURITY CAMERAS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

    M-W: So we have three panels of Lynn being a featureless black void with a head, and one panel of her being a mostly featureless black void with a hint of sunrise? I’m pretty sure that Lynn’s skating suit actually shows, in real-time, what the sky looks like in the Worthiverse (after Mary devoured all the stars one by one, of course.) I want a shirt (I’d probably skip the pants section) that changes colors to match the sky! Also, I’d make some kind of sexual joke about “Dawn’s rosy fingers brushing across Lynn’s back,” but given that Mary was probably around to give Odysseus unsolicited advice in the first place, that just adds too many dimensions to the whole thing to be comfortable. So we’ll just take the disturbing Mary Worth / The Odyssey / tawdry lesbian sex joke as said and move on.

    GT: Sorry Matt, but we’ve only been tolerating the fedora by pretending it’s some kind of heart-support device. You have three strips to get rid of it before we send Cully to fallaway slam you. Also, in a change of pace from giant mutant hands of Thorpian weirdness, we also have a tiny hand inexplicably brushing Matt’s cheek in panel 3. Eerie.

    FW: For a brief second I thought that Les was reading an old Funky Winkerbean treasury. Which would have actually made me laugh.

    Curtis: Good : Proper use of quotation marks. Bad: Same goddamn joke we’ve seen one thousand, three hundred times before. Weird: Curtis throwing the goat in the last panel.
    Put another way: Billingsley, be honest with me. Do you actually laugh when you see Jon getting angry when Garfield steals his lunch? If you don’t, then STOP DOING THE SAME THING WITH YOUR OWN STRIP. (If you do, we have an entirely different set of issues to work with…)

    MT: In panel 3, the role of Sue Butler’s arms will be played by a Milford basketball game.
    Put another way: Have you ever read the Lovecraft short story “Dreams in the Witch-House?” You know the part where the protagonist freaks out about the strange angles in the room? I’m pretty sure that was the inspiration for Sue’s arms in panel 3. I’ll choose to ignore her oddly tiny head in panel 1.

    RMMD: I’m surprised. I actually find myself just enjoying this on its own merits and not wanting to snark it all that badly. I mean, I’m still keeping in mind the whole ridiculous “sailboat race” premise and the general nonsense that is Rex’s world, not to mention the total predictability of this plot non-twist, but I’m not feeling snarky about it today. This strip, taken on its own, looks like it could actually fit into a genuinely well-made adventure story. Sort of.

    Archie: Fellow ‘Mudges, keep this strip on hand, or at least in the back of your mind somewhere. The next time someone asks “Why do you like to say that Archie is written by a vacuum-tube-era computer?” you can just present Saturday’s strip without any commentary whatsoever. It’s a gift from the AJGLU3K to us who defend its existence against those who slander it by calling it a simple meat-brained breather.

    AD: I can say very little that hasn’t been said already, but that doesn’t mean I’m not boggling with a mixture of utter confusion and horror.

    9CL: I don’t know what’s worse; how bad the writing is, or the fact that I find myself cheering for it if only because it means that this whole failure of a story might be coming to a close. I swear, Brooke just said “I think I need to mix things up! I’ll drop THIS random-ass plot twist in!” without even trying to make it be vaguely in character for anyone involved, or trying to fit it in with the ongoing milieu of the strip instead of just presenting it like the wacky premise of an episode of Spongebob. And I like Spongebob. Oh, listen to me, pretending that I’m saying anything that we haven’t been yelling for the past several months.

    H&L: You know what would make this non-joke marginally funnier? If there were any trees in the yard. Or leaves. Or evidence that it’s fall (green grass? Short sleeves? Seriously?). Though the idea that Hi is so stoned out of his mind that he makes his son (Chip’s head on Ditto’s body, so no comment on WHICH son) stand out in the treeless yard in mid-summer to “rake leaves” is mildly amusing, I suppose. Oh, also, HAW HAW THE KIDS AND THEIR TECHNOLOGY.

    Crock:

    (Yeah, no commentary. That doesn’t even rate an uncapitalized, unpunctuated “what”)

    JP: “Good man, keep those home fires burning! That way they won’t suspect a thing while I throw you down onto the bed and have my way with you, judging from the over-the-shoulder expression of unnecessary sexiness I am throwing you right now! Now, are you going to make yourself useful, or do I have to rip my clothes off myself?”

    Those Two Guys That Do Things: “One of the apocalyptic signs of the end of the world?” Only this strip could be so nonspecific and so redundant at the same time.

    Zombie: Yes, of course, Elly’s just such a softy that she can’t help but open her heart and her home to suffer a new charge who desperately needs her love and, more importantly, her thankless toil, which she so generously provides without any expectations because she’s such a wonderful and self-sacrificing person. Does that about cover it? Oh, and of course, the other woman (non-Patterson; evil by definition) is connivingly colluding with RJtD (Rod-John the Dickhead) to force Elly into taking on this new load of work; notice how the other woman is admitting to being manipulating and calculating and RJtD is completely in cahoots with her, thus reaffirming his Dickhead status, but Elly will beat them at their own game by accepting their gambit and stolidly accepting this new workload which is piled upon her by these heartless evil ones who don’t respect or understand just how hard and how selflessly she works already. That should cover it.

    SalFo: Extolling the virtue of moderation I can understand. A parent being responsible for a child who won’t have the self-control to be responsible for themselves I can understand. (Hell, you know how a lot of people gain a lot of weight in their first year or two at college? It’s not because of stress or because of the preponderance of junk food that people eat instead of real food. Those are ancillary. It’s really because Mom isn’t around to say “Are you nuts? How many of those have you eaten? No, I don’t CARE how old you are, you should not eat an entire one-pound bag of M&Ms in one evening!” So this certainly isn’t limited to children on the lower end of the age scale.) But one piece a day? Damn, that’s cold.
    I’d also like to take this opportunity to comment on the chocolate bunny ear thing. This is a great example of a running gag that shows a weird but funny character quirk, provides a good vein of material, and yet isn’t beaten into the ground or brought to the fore so often that what was once a character quirk becomes a character trait. Also, although it’s an established feature of the Forthiverse, it’s not treated the exact same way every year. The same thing happens every year, but the same joke doesn’t happen every year. This is something from which a lot of cartoonists could learn.

    Garfield: I’m torn. It’s stretching a one-panel joke over three panels without even any interesting art to break it up, but it’s actually pretty funny, amazingly enough. At least they didn’t drag the dialogue out over three panels, Shoe-style.

    Luann: Evans is fucking with us. I’m sure of it.

    BB: Panel 1: Beetle indulges Sarge by allowing him to brag about his sexual abilities. Beetle’s affectless demeanor indicates that he is quite familiar with Sarge’s rantings, both in terms of what he is discussing and in terms of the fact of him actually discussing it. However, ever indulgent, Beetle calmly allows Sarge to have his fun and talk himself up. Panel 2: A cigar may or may not be just a cigar, but the same cannot be said about Sarge’s reaction to maw-stuffing hot dog consumption. Though, you know what? I still think it’s funnier if whoever it is who’s responsible for Beetle Bailey has no idea about it, but that the characters and the relationship has simply developed on their own. The scenario I’m thinking of is someone confronting him with “You do know Beetle and Sarge are totally in love, right?” and the response is not “What? You’re insane.” or “Well, duh, I wasn’t exactly subtle about it.” but instead a moment of stunned silence followed by “Holy crap, you’re right!”

    Lockhorns: 1) It might be funnier (well, it wouldn’t actually be funnier, but technically speaking it MIGHT be) if I had any idea what this was. Is this a wedding? If so, why is this person strutting up to the altar alone? Is it just a religious service with which I am unfamiliar? If so, what the hell is it, and why does Leroy’s “perp walk” comment make any sense? 2) The enormous pot of unidentified black substance in the left of the panel unnerves me greatly. 3) Is that an adult Marcie (from Peanuts, as though anyone here doesn’t know who Marcie is) in the background?

    Phantom: I’m trying to imagine any context, any context at all, in which the child’s comment in panel 2 would A) be said by anyone ever, and B) be a question. Also, is this in the Bandar Tongue or not? Without the comforting omniscient narrator box to tell me what language is being spoken, I have no idea how to react to the strip! Hell, without being told, this could be ANY language! These people could be speaking translate Esperanto and without the narration box to tell us we would NEVER KNOW. (You start a snarker down a path, they will follow it to its ridiculous conclusion and call you on it! -Old Jungle Saying in the Bandar Tongue)

    DT: Huh. A voice synthesizer that isn’t explicitly told that the word “of” is an exception and that it should be a voiced labiodental fricative instead of an unvoiced one might actually produce the word “uf,” pronounced “uff,” as seen in panel 3. It’s not just wacky spelling, it’s an attempt to indicate to us that the robot’s speech synthesis program is imperfect and produces utterances which sound strange to human ears! I’d be impressed if I believed for a second that it was intentional.

    C’shaft: I feel like the leaf hovering by C’shaft’s ear in the last panel is symbolic of something, but hell if I can figure out what.

    PMP: Where can you find anywhere that has leaves which change colors in the fall, yet a balmy enough temperature to warrant sitting outside in short sleeves and slippers? The guy’s dressed more appropriately… is this some kind of subtle commentary on how women interact with their environment in inappropriate ways, or just a careless artist forgetting that seasonal change involves, you know, a change in seasons?

  134. IrishLass
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    #71: I claim those 10 points. That reference was from Pearls Before Swine, in either the Crass Menagerie book, or the one where they have a Wizard of Oz cover.

    I actually LIKE Teddy Roosevelt and have a few biographies of him. But I’ll never look at him the same way again. Thanks a lot!
    :)

  135. Seismic-2
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    FC: Yesterday I maintained that the recent unpleasantries were all misdirected in any case, since Dolly was costumed not as Sarah Palin but as Marian the Librarian from “The Music Man”. Today proves that this is correct. Now that we can see her whole costume, look at her shoes. Those are early 20th century River City Iowa shoes, not the results of a $100k shopping trip.

    JP: So Bill Duggan has been murdered? Bad dog, Snowflake, bad dog!

    BTW: Should we place any significance that Bill Duggan was apparently sometimes known as “Bob”? That’s an academic question; the answer should be apparent just from the oxymoron of using the phrase “Should we place any significance” in a discussion of JP.

    FW: Waxing autobiographical today, are we, Batiuk?

    #60 Muffaroo – Yes, apparently a Moon Beast assumes the same position regardless of whether it is awake or sleeping, but when it is asleep it finally shuts up. This, then, is the difference between an Up Quark and a Down Quark.

    TR went into the bathroom to wax his mustache, and he saw WHT struggling to get out of the tub. Their eyes met, and they seemed to really see each other for the first time ever.
    “Oh WH, what a cuddly little Teddy Bear you would make!”, spouted TR.
    “TR! Are you suggesting…”
    “Yes, WH, I am. But first, I brought you a little something from down south. Here,perhaps we can get started by smoking a little Panama Red…”
    “Panama Red!!! Oh TR, dig my canal!!!!
    TR started to unzip his trousers. “Tell me, WH, have I ever explained how I got the nickname ‘Bull Moose’?”

  136. Rusty
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    #130: It can still be by Thanksgiving, but it probably won’t be depicted in the strip.

  137. CanuckDownSouth
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know what is more disturbing: the TR/WT fic of this thread, or that I read 135-Seismic-2′s post above and my first thought is no, zippers weren’t invented, it’s unbuttoned

    And Riel/Macdonald, what with the drunken benders, delusions of being Moses, and Noel Ritchot trotting from the prairies to Ottawa and back to ferry cloying love letters … nope, not gonna go there.

  138. Jana C.H.
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    102– Vince M: I remember that Taft story. “Straddling an erect tongue…” They don’t write political tales like that anymore. Actually, they do, as evidenced by this very blog.

    I should try a little Eleanor Roosevelt/Lorena Hickok, except that’s not slash fiction, it’s biography.

    Eleanor writing to Lorena, Dec 5, 1933: “I’ve been trying today to remember your face—to remember just how you look. Funny how even the dearest face will fade away in time. Most clearly I remember your eyes, with a kind of teasing smile in them, and the feeling of that soft spot just northeast of the corner of your mouth against my lips. I wonder what we’ll do when we meet—what we’ll say.” (Empty Without You: The Intimate Letters of Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok, edited by Rodger Streitmatter, New York: The Free Press, 1998, p 52)

    It doesn’t look like there’s much left for me to do, is there?

    Jana C.H.
    Seattle
    Saith Nora Maloy: The irregularities and variations are characteristics that add texture and uniqueness to this human and should not be considered defects or flaws.

  139. papa zita
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    Hey, all I wrote about is Rudolph Valentino and Clara Bow not possibly being an item! (It was dumber than that – Clara was a redhead, and the trick-or-treat kid was blond[i]e). I leave my political philosophy at the door in this venue. That’s half of why I’m here, I’m f’n SICK of politics and voted weeks ago.

  140. P
    November 1st, 2008 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    Can somebody from Canada tell me what Bil & Jeff say in Sunday’s FC?

    (I try to look at it on Press Display, but since you have to have a subscription to view the pages, here what I could make out,)

    Panel 1: Kid asks a question, Bil responds,
    Panel 2: Jumping and singing
    Panel 3: A note.

  141. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    #85 Monkey:

    France has Marianne, the woman who is emblematic of their revolution. She’s on the stamps and is generally a patriotic figure. She’s also the Statue of Liberty. However, Uncle Sam/Marianne slash is not nearly as awesome Taft/Roosevelt. Gay slashfic is always hotter.

  142. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Foob — I don’t get it. Is the idea that Farley isn’t really a runt, and that poor Elly is the victim of manipulative lying? Farley didn’t look smaller than the other puppies. And Farley was in the box with the other puppies and was a “bright little fellow,” so is the “rejection” a lie also? And is the grandmotherly-looking Mrs. Baird actually a heartless puppy seller whose motto is “if you’re not potentially profitable, you’re dead”? And if that’s not so, isn’t it just adorable, how John is conniving with another woman to tell Elly a series of whoppers?

    ReFoob sucks.

  143. Grover Cleveland
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Taft-Roosevelt slash fiction? Be careful what you wish for, Josh. I witnessed the genuine article, and was wise enough not to commit it to print.

  144. I Hate Bernice
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I just don’t like anyone in this strip. They all patronize me like a bunny rabbit.

    “I don’t patronize bunny rabbits!” What movie? Anyone? Anyone? I have a funny pumpkin picture I’ll send to the winner. :D

  145. I Hate Bernice
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    PS. If you Google it, you’re a BIG CHEATER!! And only you will know your own secret shame, and you will not truly enjoy the pumpkin picture, as will know it was ill-gotten.

  146. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    Heathers

  147. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Ooops! I’ve soiled my sterling reputation.

  148. CanuckDownSouth
    November 1st, 2008 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

  149. Poteet
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    Until a few minutes ago, I wasn’t at all sure what “slashfic” was. Having looked it up, I now know it’s been a recognized genre for thirty years. So it’s clear that I’m even more out of it than the clueless parents in ZITS. I’m going to go eat some chocolate and brood. I do know what chocolate is.

  150. Red Greenback
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    Dayum! I’m really sorry for cheating and spoiling the fun. I was a jerkface and posted without previewing.

  151. commodorejohn
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    #149 Poteet – Don’t feel bad. There are some things where ignorance truly is bliss. And most of them are on the Internet.

  152. Anson Pants
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    OK guys, no fair doing a search and replace on Woodrow Wilson / Thomas Marshall slashfic we want original material here!

  153. Muffaroo
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Poteet @149I’m going to go eat some chocolate and brood. I do know what chocolate is. Yes, but I looked at that and thought “brood” was a noun and you were going to have some of it with the chocolate. Just for a second, but it was one of those seconds that lasts three whole panels. And it’s not even that late at night.

    (Help! I’ve fallen back and I can’t spring forward!)

  154. Doug Puthoff
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    11-1

    GT–I’m hoping that, in Monday’s strip. Matt say, “And we would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for that meddling doctor.”

  155. hasitbeendone
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    has any Ozma of Oz jokes been done about the election yet?

    you know, of maybe the white witch of Narnia?

  156. UncleJeff
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    Luann — Is it just me or were the last two strips out of order?
    Looks like I missed all the “fun” but the newest “Garfield minus Garfield” strips are hilarious.

  157. odinthor
    November 1st, 2008 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    Josh

    I know it’s hard in the lead-up to an election to avoid political diatribes at all, but please be respectful towards one another rather than launching epithets at your politically divergent fellow commentors.

    Samuel L. Clemens, from American Notes for General Circulation: [When riding in a railroad car:] If a lady take a fancy to any male passenger’s seat, the gentleman who accompanies her gives him notice of the fact, and he immediately vacates it with great politeness. Politics are much discussed, so are banks, so is cotton. Quiet people avoid the question of the Presidency, for there will be a new election in three years and a half, and party feeling runs very high; the great constitutional feature of this institution being, that directly the acrimony of the last election is over, the acrimony of the next one begins [...]“

  158. docweasel
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    #6 cpt fucknuts
    Oh, so it’s open season to start a shit-storm again?

    I give only as good as I get, and whining about people not posting to your liking in a comments thread is pathetic “josh”. You don’t get that luxury. You leave open comments, you get what you get. You can’t control the internets, it’s like a wild stallion, it must live free or die.

    You also can’t actually ban anyone. We’ve run a forum for a long time and we know that, so it’s the wild west at dwf, and it seems to work itself out.

    So, Cpt Fucknut starts calling names so I guess it’s on? If I respond to the asshole from Canadia who started unprovoked shit in this thread, are you going to give me a bunch of crap and let the moron slide? I’m not whining about his starting shit in an entirely new thread as long as I’m free to hurl feces along with the other sub-human monkeys who started the ball rolling.

    Frankly, I think all the people complaining about political flaming are fucking pussies who need to butch up and quit their goddam whinging.

    For every person rightfully posting in response to a direct challenge there are 5 whining namby-pamby pearl-clutchers bemoaning the fact, which spams up the thread 100x more than the actual political convo. So get over yourselves, you whiny little titty babies. Man up and grow at least one testicle you buncha poofters.

    Jesus, are you guys familiar with the internet, or is this your first rodeo?

  159. P
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    FC: 1 final push to get all of the voters to vote for Mccain.

  160. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    “Ever since Taft had returned from the Phillipines, TR found himself going out of his way to spend more time with him talking about the situation there…”

    Okay, Josh, it’s my turn.

    The Bully Bullocks of Brimford Lane

    Taft stirred his tea in tiny concentric circles. Teddy sat across from him, the entire distance of the table seeming as the Crimea. Nothing had been said since last night’s party and no mention had been made of that actress. Every so often, Taft’s spoon would hit the side of the cup and the sound would send shivers down Theodore’s back. These weren’t the shivers of the previous August, when just the mere thought of William striding naked through the vestibule would lead Roosevelt into a mad moment of mustache twirling and ribald laughter. Nay, these were the shivers of a man in love whose hearts was being ripped into a thousand tiny shards with every passing moment of silence.

    Teddy coughed, behind his paper. William looked up toward him with the countenance of a mail order bride.

    “When you were in the Phillipines, William, I never washed my mustache nor combed its hairs,” Roosevelt whispered. “I needed to keep the memory of your musky cock beneath my nostrils for as long as possible.”

    They looked into each other’s eyes. Eyes that glistened as brown pools of masculine lust. A solitary tear formed on Taft’s cheek.

    “Let me butter you some toast,” he stammered.

  161. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    Sunday, Sunday!

    FC: Great Googly Moogly! Andy Williams is God!
    It does explain a lot.
    Meanwhile, Bil is a sad, sad second.

    JP: oh, heck, Sam, I double-dog dare you to show up at Duggin’s murder scene in your bathrobe with Det. Heidi on your arm!
    Damned rattlesnakes.

    Mutts: yesh.

    RMMD: sigh. While I wasn’t hoping that Ollie would check out…

  162. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    “Teddy,” Taft muttered, “you know the bit about the freedom of the press?”

    Roosevelt looked up from his newspaper. “What about it?”

    “It means that anybody can start a newspaper and print what they like. It doesn’t mean that any newspaper is compelled to print what you like.”

    Roosevelt flipped the newspaper back to his face. “I’m well aware of that.” he spoke gruffly, but then put the paper back down. “What I need is my own mouth piece, a sort of a, ” he paused, searching for the right phrase, “a bully pulpit I can use to reach people directly.”

    “bullypuplit.blogspot.com is free,” said Taft.

    “No, not a blog! The words of the president are important enough that if I were president and I were to give a speech, newspapers would be remiss if they didn’t report on it. I need to be president.”

    Taft sipped his coffee, “Yes, a president’s words are more widely heeded. My point, though, was that the local paper isn’t required to print your letters to the editor nor even represent your views. Cursing that is a rather pointless exercise. And I can think of other kinds of exercise I’d rather you were getting this lovely morning.”

    Roosevelt folded the paper and put it to the side and leaned across the table to Taft, where their lips hungrily met. After a moment, Roosevelt growled softly into Taft’s ear, “My dear William, I can assure you that any exercise we take this morning will not be pointless.”

  163. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    And to think I nearly logged out before ready Dingo’s entry into early 20th C. American political slashfic…

  164. Steve the Pocket
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    #142: That’s what I got out of it. I’ve never heard anything about “runts” being unsellable, as she claims, so if nothing else she’s lying about that.

  165. Pastor Z
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    And all this time I thought Dolly was dressed as Elly Patterson.

  166. Everyone Who Was A Jerkface Yesterday
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    We are very sorry and will never do it again. Please forgive us, Josh.

  167. The Great Ka-Floompa Gush
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    No Taft/Roosevelt slash fiction would be complete without making use of the word ‘honeyfugler’.

  168. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    The center right panel of Sunday’s Marvin (with the green background) is actually a pretty good caricature of Richard Nixon.

  169. Anonymous
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    You are evil. TR/Taft slash?

    Your commenters are evil too. Read all the way down here to see what they’d come up with.

    I’ll go somewhere and let my head implode, I think.

  170. Kathy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    I haven’t been able to lurk like I usually do for the past couple of days…What were the political comments that have everyone bent out of shape?

    Someone must have mentioned Barack Obama without the proper indications of genuflection and obeisance. On this site, that’s a crime worse than arson.

  171. dyslexic dog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    JP: “That’s not what I asked.”

    Crock: “We’re still looking for the joke.”

    DT: Crimestoppers Textbook: Especially keep an eye on that weaselly bachelor guy in the gazebo.

    H&J: “Yeah, I hate when that happens.”

    MW: “Frank, could you teach me to skate?”

    Bizarro: If the U.S. economy comes to my door, I’m calling CPS.

    Curtis: Gunther, that’s a piss-poor excuse not to clean your restroom. (no pun intended, but, ehh, it’s your call)

    FW: “…and eventually, bladder cancer.”

    S4th: Definitely no Chinese fortune cookies for Marcie (or is that Alice?).

    C’shaft: “I was looking for something…and I really wanted to find it, because, you know, otherwise I wouldn’t have been looking for it.

    OBH: I bet she is ferocious, bare.

    GA: Whenever there’s a cause behind which to rally,
    We can always depend on Gasoline Alley.

  172. Batman Beatles
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Alright the meddling starts!

  173. scruffylove
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    Hopefully I’m not boring anyone with a repeated quote, but it’s my favorite one by Calvin Coolidge:

    “See that bird over there? I’ve been watching it for 20 minutes. I think it’s dead.”

    And then there’s this one I believe is from MacArthur:

    “I peed in the Rhine.”

    Which brings me to the quote I’ve never been able to utter aloud:

    “I peed in the pool.”

  174. dyslexic dog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    #173 – scruffylove:
    —not to mention, “I swam in your toilet.”

  175. NoVan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s Garfield: In order to make a pumpkin pie, don’t you have to cook it and scoop out the flesh? Doesn’t seem like the remnants would make good jack-o-lantern materiel.

  176. Mibbitmaker
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    It looks like I picked the right time to be too distracted to read or post comments lately (cancelled paper delivery — money issues — didn’t help, either)!

    Ex-President slash fiction without Bill Clinton just doesn’t seem right. That’d be like a Teapot Dome discussion without Nixon in it!

    Wait a minute…..

  177. scruffylove
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:41 am [Reply]

    176- I think a time machine could fix that problem. Time machines fix EVERYTHING.
    Except themselves.

  178. Some Guy Here
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 am [Reply]

    Wow. Don’t people realize that we have, like, the cockpit for this type of thing?

  179. Zaq
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 am [Reply]

    Sunday! Not a whole lot to snark about, but let’s see what we’ve got.

    FW: “So bearing that in mind, we want to drive home just how decrepit and cancer-ridden everyone is, so make sure they all collapse while they’re supposed to be celebrating.”

    FC: When more than 50% of the jokes (using the term loosely) in your comic derive from childish malapropisms, having the adult characters make puns (particularly bad ones) comes off as really unnerving.

    Curtis: Okay, I say we storm Billingsley’s house and forcibly remove the quotation mark key from his keyboard. Who’s with me?

    MW: Oh, I can’t wait to see Mary wreck these people’s lives.

    SlyFox: I’m mostly inured to the nevertheless unsettling “there’s no such thing as privacy in the bath” setting that’s, if not common, at least not rare on the comics page, but the addition of Lady Weirdly (or whatever her name is), particularly given that she doesn’t have anything to do with the current situation, adds a whole new dimension of unsettling. Slylock et al. at least have some kind of reason to bother the Count in his tub, but the fact that Lady Weirdly is there, blithely walking in on the naked and grinning Count in an incredibly familiar manner, changes the situation from “Slylock interrupts Weirdly’s bubble bath” to “Slylock interrupts Weirdly and his lady getting busy” (or at the very least, “about to get busy”). The fact that he caused some kind of mischief beforehand (what was it? Lasering a flower garden?) doesn’t really change the situation… this is Weirdly we’re talking about here. Long-distance vandalism is his version of foreplay. Lady Weirdly’s probably just coming back from injecting all the grapes in the supermarket with yellow food coloring or something similarly nonsensical. They’re perfect for one another.

    S-M: They “didn’t have time” to unmask Spidey? I’d say that’s the lamest cop-out ever, but this is Spider-Man, so that’s probably not even the lamest cop-out this week.

  180. Baka Gaijin
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:09 am [Reply]

    * * * * * WARNING WARNING WARNING * * * * *

    SUNDAY’S PEARLS BEFORE SWINE CONTAINS AN IMAGE THAT IS AN AFFRONT TO NATURE. THE HAGUE IS INVESTIGATING WHETHER THE SECOND TO LAST PANEL IS A VIOLATION OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

    * * * * * * * * * * END WARNING * * * * * * * * * *

  181. Hugh Manatee
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    # 160 Dingo:
    You win.

  182. Pelagius
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    Don’t read the comments much any more. Now I know why. I think it’s pretty clear who took the political commentary to a the level of a flamewar. Hope that the Fist o’ Justice is deployed appropriately.

  183. Faraway
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:54 am [Reply]

    # 175 No van: It’s the other way round: First you scratch out the flesh, then you cook it. So what is left (if you do it properly) is absolutely ideal Jack-O-Lantern-material.
    My cat wouldn’t eat pumpkinpie – but he would snuggle inside the jack-o-lantern.

  184. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    #180 Baka Gaijin – agreed. If you’re getting up an hour early today because you haven’t adjusted to the end of Daylight Savings Time, do not look at PBS yet. It will make too ill to eat breakfast. On the other hand, maybe it will make you go back to bed for another hour. Or another week.

    Pickles: “Yeesh!”??? Is Mutts-speak contagious? If it is meant to mean “Yes!”, then it is definitely the wrong thing to say in this context. Surely “Yecch!!!” would be more nearly appropriate.

    Candorville: Today’s strip was written by Ted Forth, or maybe Aria.

    JP: “I’m going to the crime scene. Do you want to come? After we brush aside all that pesky yellow tape and tromp all over the blood-spattered turf, you can lie down on the ground where the outline of the corpse is. Some of our photos didn’t turn out, so we need to re-enact them, using another lifeless body.”

  185. Baka Gaijin
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    #184 Seismic-2: If this computer didn’t have voice recognition I wouldn’t have been able to post that message. Hysterical blindness can be a bitch.

  186. dreadedcandiru2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Opus: RIP(?) I was expecting a downbeat ending to his story but I have to tell you, I expected him to take a different way of ‘escaping’ from this world. He might still in some way be alive locked within the children’s book but he’s no longer interacting with the real world. I’m not sure if this is a metaphor for death or irretrievable insanity.

    ReFoob: I am, on the other hand, dead certain on what’s happening in Muffinview Heights; John just dropped the “Do as I say, not as I do” bomb.

  187. teenchy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure whether Opus is meant to be dead or only sleeping, but I’m not going to lose sleep over it in any event. Bigger question: Was this not the first time we’ve ever seen Steve Dallas’ eyes?

  188. rata2e
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Help! Where can I read the Sunday comics online? I’ve been using the Washington Post because the Houston Chron doesn’t seem to work on Sunday, but now the Post has a sign-in, sell-your-name-as-spam model, and I even did that! But they messed up the comics too and the links don’t work. Please help!

  189. Mr. O'Malley
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    I went to a Halloween party where people managed to get along despite their political differences—forget McCain and Obama, the big deal around here is Prop. 8. But we managed to stay civil.

    I wore a political costume—Niccolò Machiavelli. Somewhat on the subtle side. An impersonation that both sides could relate to. (I suppose it could just have easily been construed as Cesare Borgia.) Even the teenagers prowling the streets late at night thought it was cool. The Mrs. was dressed to match but the hoops were a little inconvenient at the party. I suppose in the 16th century you had servants bringing you snacks when you went to a social event. You didn’t have to worry about knocking all the skeleton coasters on to the floor.

    We didn’t get a huge number of ToTers here, but walking through the rich neighborhood on the way to the party I noticed a lot of people out. Maybe there is a lot more research going on than in previous years. Though I’m not sure that rich people actually give out more candy. Perhaps they’re handing out Lehman Bros. stock this year.

    If you are looking for 100 year old political satire, I suggest there is nothing better than Finley Peter Dunne’s “Mr. Dooley” series. I believe that no better indictment of the American invasion of the Phillipines has ever been made.

    Dunne eventually came to the realization that most satirists do—it is all very well to haul hypocrisy and corruption out into the light of day and show it for the rot it is, but it doesn’t actually make much difference to what goes on.

    I just read someone today going on about Walt Kelly losing his touch in his later years. I don’t think so. There’s no one today who could match Walt Kelly. There’s not a year goes by that I wish that somehow Walt Kelly was still on the job. (Do I sound like a grumpy old man yet?)

    JP: I’m sure that there are lady detectives working on many police forces around the country, but I suspect that few of them dress that way. Not that I’m complaining.

    Opus: It’s the end of an era. I will tear out the last strip from the pink section (yes, our Opus is printed on pink paper for historical reasons) and put it in my Bloom County collection. Ah, remember when cat sweat could cure baldness!

  190. notToby?
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I have to admit I thought the last Opus was sweet. It was tastefully done. Unlike some strips that like to beat a dead premise until it’s…well…dead.

  191. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    teenchy @187 – No, they’ve been seen at other times, including last week. Seeing them last week made me wonder the same thing, but it only took a couple of past strips to verify that they show up from time to time.

  192. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 am [Reply]

  193. True Fable
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    “A man, a plan, a canal – Panama!”

    “Taft it was, saw tit fat!”

  194. True Fable
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    #188 rata2e – Try the fantastic Dean Booth’s Sunday comics Time Tunnel! Just change the date, hit GO and, well…go!

  195. Angry Kem
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    #187 teenchy: There was a whole storyline back in Bloom County days when Steve’s personality changed radically. I can’t remember exactly why, but I seem to recall he was hit on the head with a brick. He took off the glasses and went around looking as wide-eyed and innocent as Binkley for quite a long time. I think his hair changed as well. Then he was hit with another brick.

    Or maybe I’m just making this up.

  196. John C Fremont
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    # 111 – Don, if you think Buchanan hates me, go talk to Millard Fillmore.

    A3G – Ruby lectures Ari on the Theory of Relativity.

    MW – Is that a zit exploding on the side of Vera’s head in the last panel?

    JP – “Sure I want to come. And after that, I’ll follow you to the crime scene.”

  197. fishmorgjp
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Uhhhh, it’s my right to throw hissy fits on forums! Uhhh, I just give as good as I get, that’s all! Uhhh, everybody shut up and let me win!

  198. UncleJeff
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    A cheer and a tear for the final “Opus” strip.
    A little cheap making dead tree format readers go to the Humane Society web site to see the final panel. Hey Berk, a lot of people don’t have and don’t want Internet access (see yesterday’s comments from trolls who invaded The ‘Mudge for the reasons why).
    But that was a beautiful way to literally put to bed a beloved fictional character and point Breathed’s fans towards his new work.

  199. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    The second throwawy panel of Sunday’s Mary Worth was ripped directly from my re-occuring nightmare.

  200. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Throwaway

    The Colonel is too good to preview. Busted again.

  201. Angry Kem
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Hagar the Bleakly Depressing has gone all medieval again.

    FC: Dear Keanes: I hereby revoke your punning privileges and sentence you to life without access to drawing materials. Dismissed.

    MW: BECAUSE IT WAS NOT OBVIOUS BEFORE EXACTLY WHERE THIS STORYLINE WAS GOING, I AM GOING TO HAVE FRANK EXPLAIN IT AGAIN. ALSO, I CAN’T DRAW FACES.

    BB: Well, there’s something you don’t see every day.

  202. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    In my capacity as Self-Appointed Decreer of Things, I hereby decree the political unpleasantness of recent days to be over. Anyone who violates this decree shall be soundly and thorougly ignored, with all the ignorance I can bring to bear!

    That said…

    A3G: And just like that, the 2008 Tommiestakes are over, and the winner is… (*rips open envelope*)… Some Blonde Guy! Let’s hear it for Some Blond Guy! yaaay!

    BB: Ha ha ha! Beetle’s going to die when that mortar shell impacts! Ha ha ha!

    C’Shaft: Digging in the attic, Crankshaft found every other interesting in his life, thereby setting his search back all of 30 seconds.

    Crock: “So what? I told you to keep searching until you find something funny written by Bill Rechin, and I don’t care if it takes another 40 years.”

    DtM: Must resist.

    EC: No, no, must… resist…

    TBMOEL: Bob the Plumber? Bob the Plumber? What the fuck, Hambrock, have you been living under a rock the past month? Seriously!

    JP: It must be nippy cold in Arizona this time of year.

    MT: Jellyfish are spineless creatures who have no eyes, ears, heart, or brain, and are about 97% water… just like some politicians I could name! Am I right, people? And how about that airline food?

    MC: In a universe where amoeba can be kept as pets, this strip’s premise isn’t all that surprising. I love the “cease-cleansing” agreement.

    Stripeybutt of the Jungle: Away out here they have a name for rain and wind and fire.
    The rain is Tess, the fire’s Joe and they call the wind Phan-Tom!*
    (*In the Bandar tongue!)

    SFx: Phew! That’s a relief. I thought the solution would have something to do with checking Weirdly’s body for wrinkles. (And Mrs. Weirdly looks like a sweet lady! Damn it, Slylock, why can’t you let anyone else be happy?!)

    SS: As an adult, Jughaid would display an unhealthy addiction to femdom porn.

    S-M: “Let’s see… the priceless antique clocks are missing, yet Spider-Man is still here on the floor, handcuffed and helpless, with no loot on him. Oh, and look, here’s a digital camera with images showing Spider-Man unmasking an impostor, then getting clocked upside the head by some Robert Evans wannabee. Yep, the wall-crawler’s guilty, all right! Take him in, boys!”

  203. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    #132 – Re: LJ (Lyndon Johnson, not Lynn Johnston) – I heard on 60 minutes once that Lyndon used to call his member “Jumbo.”

    Now my eyes are bleeding.

  204. CanuckDownSouth
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    195-AK Steve Dallas has his personality switched by an alien raygun. Seriously. The “sensitive man” stuff got boring waaaay before they switched him back.

    No the End of the World Does Not Work That Way Department The Sun will not go supernova, S4th. It will toast us extra-cripsy during its Red Giant phase, then will “gently” eject the outer layers and the core will just slowly cool down … and fade … away

    The ETA, however, is 5 billion years. Has your company solved the immortality problem in order to prevent employee turnover?

  205. Islamorada Girl
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    “Teddy, Teddy, you mad impetuous fool,” Taft whispered as he nuzzled the Bullmoose’s pince-nez as the two men, locked in passionate embrace, curled deeper into the giant bathtub, heating the cold porcelain with the passion of their love, not just for each other, but for raw power and the determination to break up the monopolies holding the country in their grasp, as sure as a harpy’s claw, which was even now ascending upon their idyll as J.P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller hovered over the roof of the White House, determined, as always to destroy any ward heeler who stood in their way, attempting to dethrone them and their dreams of world domination, which had been promised to them by Satan in a dream dreamt by Tennessee Claffin, whose notorious sister Victoria Woodhull had been the first woman to run for president, well, as long as you didn’t count James “Nancy” Buchanon and his close person friend “Aunt Fanny” and hardly anyone did, except for some diehard Know-Nothings, but such things were all but forgotten now as Taft and Teddy snuggled in a warm embrace, as Taft continued, pointing out the bathroom window to the Rose Garden, “Yonder lies the obelisk of your jubilee.”

  206. Baka Gaijin
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    #202 Super Spider Brick, etc.: Slylock Fox-That’s Weirdly’s wife? I thought it was Count Weirdly’s comely assistant who has a major crush on him but he’s as sexually clueless as Mark Trail and Sam Driver combined so he just ignores her. Come on, you know it has to be true. Why would he go poking his laser in the neighbor’s flowers when he could be poking her?

  207. UncleJeff
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Pearls: “Whoa” indeed.
    Judge Parker: Enough of the subtlty, dammit! C’mon, Detective Heidi, whip out the cuffs!

  208. Baka Gaijin
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Sunday Slylock Fox: Why is everyone suddenly picking on Becky Beaver? Last week it was Reeky Rat stealing her electricity. This week Weirdly’s zapping her flowers. What? Last week it was Rachel Rabbit? Suuurrre. Tuck Rachel’s ears under her wig and voila! Becky Beaver. Have you ever seen them both in the same room at the same time? I rest my case.

  209. CanuckDownSouth
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    205-IG A Bulwer-Lytton winner!

  210. Gabe
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    195: Steve was personality flopped by aliens. Right before the stip ended he turned back to regular Steve after a girl dumped him.

  211. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Could someone please post a link to today’s Opus? I looked at DailyInk and Chron and it’s not there. : (

    Fare thee well, Penguin.

  212. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Today’s Baldo is sweet, and sad. Day of the Dead (All Saints’ Day as well) is a huge thing in Mexico-very interesting.

    #26 Lindsey – a year or two ago (how time flies) there was a backstory in Baldo, drawn in “real” mode – i.e., the characters actually looked like real humans – Rosa was, sadly, killed by a drunk driver. Tia Carmen then moved from Mexico to help raise Gracie and Baldo.

  213. UncleJeff
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    211 Calico — go to Salon.com and then to Humane Society.org/Opus for the final panel.
    (I think I got that right)
    And read Salon’s bitter lefties in the letters column following the Salon post if you want to read some real knee-jerking creeps. (Breathed was a contributor to Salon)

  214. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Calico @211This ought to do ya. After you read that, read this.

    Odd, though, given the content of the final panel, I don’t quite understand how we could see what’s reflected in his glasses.

  215. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    MW: So Frank wants Vera to “use your head” in skating? Dude, in the last panel it looks as if she’s landed on her head in skating. Maybe Dr. Wally from GT can write her a note disqualifying her from competing due to a physical impairment. Those notes always seem to be so effective.

  216. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Thank you much Uncle Jeff and Muffaroo!

    Much appreciated.

    H & L – I do like the “OMG” & “Groan.”
    Enuff of that.

    SlyFox – If Weirdly were in the tub in water for an hour, his “skin” would also be much more prune-like than it usually is, don’t you think?
    Ah well, at least the guy washes himself.

  217. Donkey Hotey
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    My vote for COTW goes to dyslexicdog and “Frank, could you teach me to skate?”

  218. Donkey Hotey
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Sorry, I butchered my nominees’s nom de blog. That’s “dyslexic dog,” WITH a space.

  219. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Thanx, all – now I’m crying. How incredibly loving and well played.
    Sweet dreams, Opus.

  220. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    165. Pastor Z: that was my first take of Dolly, an homage to Bunmistress Elly and LJ on 29 years of FOOBsess.
    Yeah, well, I’m stickin’ with it. The little tub isn’t going to have to go far to catch up with her hero. Pile on the poutine!

    186. dreadcandiru2 re Opus: there are far worse childrens’ books to be trapped in (any FC collection, Barney-associated, Bratz-associated ones, all spring too easily to mind). Eh, a nice warm bed…not so bad. My dad, who worked far too much and far too hard all of his life, always said that bedtime was the best time of the day.

  221. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Okay… based on Calico’s #203 above and a missive somewhere ahead of it, someone needs to write slash fiction about Lyndon Johnson and Bill Clinton: death match of the jumbos. I’ll sit in the corner cowering until it’s done.

    I have had to re-read comment #158 a few times. Each one leaves me clutching my chest like Ted Forth and gasping/chuckling. That comment shows that someone has never visited this site until yesterday. Putting Josh in quotes? Do you think that “Josh” is a pseudonym used by someone. Hmm… look at the bottom of the page. It says that the material herein is copyrighted by JOSHUA Fruhlinger. He even used that name on Jeopardy when Alex Trebek did everything but shake his hairy pear-shaped arse in Josh’s face to keep him from winning. As to not being able to ban someone, wait. There is software for that. Good software. It doesn’t work by the name you choose but by the computer. Since a certain writer is actually a group of writers who chat under the same name, that might get interesting. The metaphor about the internet and Wild West is apt. Except… the legacy of the Wild West is that every man was an individual with rights over his possessions and identity. That still shows up in the American political landscape today, especially when viewing red/blue states. Who are you to tell me what I can or cannot do with the water on my land, Mark Trail? Who are you to tell me how to treat my daughter, Mary Worth? Oh, wait. A hundred years ago the administrations of Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft began to change that. The party wanted to shut Roosevelt out and decided the easiest way to shove him into Siberia was the vice presidency. Then, President McKinley was assassinated. If Green Party candidate Cynthia McKinney wins, would Rosa Clemente be able to take over the US government’s executive branch at a moment’s notice? Can she even name the three branches of the government and know their differences? I’m sure that Dot and Ditto could but what about Hi and Lois? Wouldn’t it scare you if in asking your new physician a question about the heart all she could do was discuss the lungs? I’d have a picnic with Joe Six-Pack. I’d drink beer with Joe Six-Pack. I’d fuck the livin’ daylights out of Joe Six-Pack on the picnic table in his drunken stupor while gasping passersby took photos. That doesn’t mean I want him in charge of the military. Joe probably thinks Beetle Bailey reflects the current state of military preparedness and on the second day of the administration would be trying to track down Miss Buxley.

  222. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Kinda liking the Neandertal vs. Cro-Magnon issues here (notwithstanding the debate as to whether Neandertals were capable of speech).
    I read once where Basque is such a singular language, given that where the Basques have lived for thousands of years, that their language might be a remnant of that spoken by Cro-Magnon. It might be all coprolites in the midden pile, but I like the idea. Better than anything in B.C.

  223. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Erk! 222. had to do with Sunday’s Price Valiant.

  224. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    “Yonder lies the obelisk of your jubilee.”

    Islamorada Girl, I loves you.

  225. John C Fremont
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    # 105 Islamorada Girl – I second what Dingo says @224. Very funny! Once again quoting Lola Heatherton, “I want to bear your children!

    @ 223 bats :[ – Glad you clarified that. I thought you were entering the fracas.

  226. Shermy Glamrocker
    November 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone been able to access the “Opus Final Letter” on berkelybreathed.com?

    Apparently, the servers are overwhelmed.

    (That last sentence could fit very well in Taft/Roosevelt slashfic.

  227. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    #222/223 bats: I’m having throuble following the Prince Valiant storyline that seems to assert that the Neanderthals who live in the Sargasso Sea are descended from the ancestors of the Picts. Although Val does speak Pictish, having negotiated treaties with them and even exchanged a son with them for a year, how did he get so fluent in the Sargasso Sea version of post-post-post-pre-pre-pre-Pictish? That’s like saying that since English is descended from Indo-European and so is Sanskrit, then my being fluent in English should allow me to converse in Sanskrit. It doesn’t. Furthermore, it’s hard to imagine the tiny Picts (who look like Hobbits alongside Val) being the closest living relatives to the giant primitive guys living out on the seaweed. What happened to them? This storyline is even dumber than usual for Prince Valiant, which is like saying that the Toby-has-a-phony-credit-card-charge story arc is more annoying than usual for Mary Worth.

  228. Gold-Digging Nanny
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    DT — Those elderly people are always up to something. Generally illegal trafficking in hard candy.

  229. dw's smarter brother
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    #221
    God I love it when stupid people try to pretend they know what they are talking about. There is no software that can effectively ban a computer. There is no method for banning someone from posting in any comment thread, anywhere, anytime. You can camp out in your comments 24/7 and personally delete comments, but that’s about it.

    I personally challenge the proprietor of this comment thread to ban my computer, my IP or my screenname. About the only luck you’ll have is the screenname, and then you just need use one of the 20trillion permutations of numbers and letters available to approximate it.

    It can’t be done. I know, I’ve been running a forum longer than you’ve been using a computer, sporty, back to the days when it was newsgroups and only real computer geeks could make their views on important topics like star wars and ninjas known because you had to know dos, there was no windoze for stupid people like dingo to post idiot, incorrect opinions.

    Sophisticated software that bans computers. Yes.

    Its in the same pile as the software that completely protects your mail from spam and the program that speeds up your computer 200% without hardware upgrades. dingo has probably also mailed for the penis cream to make his dick bigger and the cologne with pheromones that makes him irresistible to women. They work as well as the “super computer banner”.

  230. Idols of Mud
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    One more on Taft/Roosevelt (everyone else has inspired me, and I’m apparently inspired by revolting images):

    Teddy pulled closer to Bill, the warmth of his large buttocks pressing his stomach, and wrapped his arms tighter around the incumbent, his hands nearly around his bedmate. Bill sighed contentedly. The Philippines were such a long time ago, Teddy thought.

    The sound of a doorknob turning, and a slam. An electric thrill of terror went up Teddy’s spine, and he felt Bill roll toward him. They looked to the door. In the light of the hallway, the silhouette of a long, lean man.

    Wilson.

    “My god,” yelled the president-elect, his pince-nez glasses shaking on his nose. “Is this what you call a post-election conference?”

    “Mr. Wilson!” Roosevelt cried, as Taft pulled the comforter over his nakedness. “You said you’d be coming at noon!”

    “My train arrived early,” Wilson said, his voice shaking. Taft burrowed ever deeper into the sheets. “I see the breach in the Republican Party has been healed.”

    Teddy looked directly into Wilson’s face. The eyes shifted, he thought, moving back and forth between that thin line dividing outrage and excitement. The Bull Moose candidate turned his eyes to his lips, then tore the sheet off, showing every inch of his Rough Rider.

    “Oh, yes,” Roosevelt said breathily. “Now, Woody, how about a bipartisan statement?”

    Wilson started, his arms nearly going around his back. He peeked in the hallway. Teddy saw a whisper of relief around Woodrow’s mouth. In a moment, Wilson closed the door and undid his trousers.

    “Boys,” Wilson said with a grin, “welcome to the New Freedom.”

  231. Andrew Leal
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    William Howard Taft slashfic scares me. I do, however, want a William Howard Taft action figure. I hope it arrives in my lifetime. I suspect shipping and packaging costs are the only hold-up.

    Sunday comics: I’m actually impressed by “Mother Goose and Grimm,” mostly as a devotee of detective fiction. The joke is forced but accurate, but mostly I was entranced by the dsurprisingly decent Holmes caricature, with most of the trademarks (pipe, violin, and the deerstalker which wasn’t really in the original stories). I only hope a follow-up will address Holmes’ drug addiction, as he searches desperately for “dope” and is shot by a bald Moriarty calling him a liar.

  232. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    Ah, yes. A cologne that’ll make me irresistible to women. Bats, Islamorada Girl, and Poteet, you’ve been warned. Now where’s the one that works on Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener? Can you consider boat motor oil a cologne?

    Today’s Opus was wonderful. It reminded me of the final day of Calvin and Hobbes. Where better for our little penguin to end than peacefully in bed, tucked under the blankets? We should all be so lucky.

  233. Donkey Hotey
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Hmmm. Anyone else think the Crankshaft “Main Characters” page needs a little updating? http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/crank/charactMaina.htm

  234. Jeet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    The end of Opus made me so happy, Breathed really is a Bill Watterson of sorts under all of the angry politics.

    Plus I’m a runner up in the contest (or so I have heard, I can’t get onto the website)! I really would have liked the 10k for the animal shelter, but just winning the book is super great as well!

  235. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    #212 – My bad – Nov. 1, All Saints’ Day
    Nov. 2, All Souls Day

    Je m’excuse!

  236. Annon
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    FC Wow–let’s add this to Dave Barry’s book of misheard lyrics. If there is an Andy God, please let hymn smite Bil Keane.

  237. Chucky
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Oh man! This week’s Sunday strips deliver some serious layups – especially the Dagwood boner block – run with it man!

  238. Angry Kem
    November 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Stone Soup is a little…loud today. I guess it’s understandable.

  239. Mibbitmaker
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    After what I said in #176, I just had to go and look at yesterthread anyway…

    Yikes!

    Somewhere in an alternate universe, at Josh’s gig snarking editorial cartoons, there are trolls bickering pro and con over the merits of Lynn Johnston or Tom Batiuk.

    “Anyone who goes for Funky Winkerbean is a dirty, rotten Cancerist!”

  240. Donkey Hotey
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Geez, Gunther, you COULD clean it without destroying its historical value. (On a related note, when I was a kid my stepdad installed a urinal, a sink, and a wood stove in his wood shop/garage. Best ideas EVER.)

    DTM: Yes, Dennis, except that the winner of “American Idol” ceases to annoy us once he or she has won.

    FC: Old joke + stupid pun = “Family Circus”

    GF: I now have a hilarious mental picture of freak-dancing seals.

    HTH: Lucky Eddie and Hagar are channelling characters from “Funky Winkerbean.”

    H&L: Ditto is pissed because his siblings refuse to count his vote for Nader.

    MF: True.

    MT: “Hey! Who you callin’ spineless?”

    MW: As she says, “We haven’t been introduced yet,” Mary actually looks — dare I say it? — kindly. That must be how she lures unsuspecting victims into her trap of meddledom.

    Opus: (Please note that this comment comes from one who has been a fan of Opus ever since his first appearance in “Bloom County.”) Breathed, that was a beautiful ending for the strip. THIS TIME, please, don’t try to resurrect it again. It’s been downhill every time.

    PMP: That’s why most of us sleep between 2 and 3 a.m.

    RWO: That’s not noir, that’s gruesome.

    SF: Well, THAT made for a cheerful Sunday morning read.

    SFx: Because if he’d been asleep in the tub for an hour he would have slipped under and drowned by now.

    Zits: Ha ha! It’s funny because teenagers forget their shoes ALL THE TIME!

  241. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Foob — So where would John “make a formal complaint about all the candy that’s consumed on Halloween”? Would he send it to candy manufacturers? Parents? The Great Pumpkin?

    Warning, Monday Spoiler *rolls eyes* Ahead. Theme: Elly discovers that puppies urinate. Characters: John, Elly, Michael, Lizzy, Farley. My reaction: Do that every day, Farley! I’m starting to like you!

  242. Wolf Shepherd
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    PBS – Priceless!

    FC – It’s kinda cute, but I’m afraid that its going to get the anti-God crowd all spun up. Maybe the next administration can ban this sort of thing.

    Curtis – So this eight-year-old (or whatever age he is supposed to be) boy gets grossed out by the smell of pee? GMAFB! What a wuss!

  243. commodorejohn
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    A3G – And, as every other children’s movie since Follow That Bird has taught us, your family is not necessarily 100% related to you. I just really, really can’t wait to see what hilarious slamming of their daughter Lu Ann’s parents engage in. It’s funny enough when Margo does it.

    AS – It was the Achaeans, you dolt.

    BB – The Walkers have resorted to visual censorship of Beetle’s gruesome Darwin Award-worthy death.

    Crankshaft – Wow, a Crankshaft that doesn’t focus on how loathsome and worthy of scorn the elderly are? Color me surprised.

    DT – “Keep a watch on the elderly in your neighborhood. You just can’t trust those sneaky bastards.”

    FC – An old and beaten-to-death joke in churchy circles, which makes it a natural fit for The Family Circus. But what really frightens me about today’s strip is the fact that the Keane kids bust out into a dance routine. Suffice to say, I’m glad Jeff doesn’t have Lynn Johnston’s obsession with poorly animating things.

    FW – People in their late forties and early fifties are already elderly and decrepit, apparently. Anybody over thirty is too old to have fun.

    JP – “Are you going to keep not answering my questions but responding anyway?” “You know, the Beatles just weren’t the same in their solo careers.”

    MT – Jellyfish: harbingers of DOOM!

    MW – Someone get the stagehands, Lynn forgot to apply one of those enormous Tobey-style glycerine “tears.”

    NAOQV – Now, see, this is the kind of political humor everybody can enjoy.

    PBS – AAAIIIIEEE

    Pluggers – Pluggers have voting booths that do little to protect the anonymity of the ballot. This is so they can gang up on anybody voting the “wrong” way and lynch them.

    PV – Holding random strangers responsible for the actions of people who A. looked only kind of like them and B. lived several generations ago? Appearances aside, these guys are all too clearly human.

    RMMD – Whoa, did Rex just turn into Carey Grant in that last panel? Pick a face and stick with it, doc!

    SFx – Huh, another appearance of Weirdly-ette. I think the simple solution to the problem, though, would be to check if Weirdly’s fingers and toes have become waterlogged.

    SM – Man, is it Spider-Man or Big-Time who’s more pathetic? I honestly can’t tell.

  244. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    FC: Tomorrow, the Krazy Keane Klan will leave us all in stitches, as they open their hymnals and sing to us about “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear”.

  245. Wolf Shepherd
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    #221 – You seem to be making the argument that leader of the free world should not be an affirmative action position. With that I agree.

  246. fishmorgjp
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    <244 Seismic-2: And don’t forget those other old favorites “My Feet Stink on the Mantle,” and “The Old Shit’s A-Dyin’”!

  247. dyslexic dog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: I’m not sure what playing Fish Plunger has to do with being patriotic, but all right, I’m game. Your move, Bubbles.

  248. gamermom
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    I hadn’t noticed before, but I looked back at the previous weeks’ Opus on comics.com and saw that either the book “Goodnight Moon” or something from the book appears in almost every strip starting from 8/3. For example, the comb, brush and bowl full of mush from the book are on Opus’ nightstand on 9/7, just like they are in the book. cool. well, I’m easily amused by stuff like that.

  249. Big Sims
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Dingo m’Dear man,
    Do you have any of that cream left? You know, the one I rub on my penis to make my computer operate %200 times faster (no HARDware indeed!) Lately I’ve been using spam.
    And my I point out that my screen name had been hijacked multiple times? Every unfunny observation by Big Sims has been someone else. If it made you laugh, or scored COTW runner up, that was the real me.
    No T/R stories, sorry. I couldn’t top I-Girl and the others anyway. But I will point out that Roosevelt was the original bear.

  250. Hank
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    RE: Opus. That was a sweet and cute ending to the strip. Let’s hope that the a$$h01e who does Lio doesn’t $h*t all over it in ten years like he did the ending of Calvin & Hobbes.

  251. Faux Trot
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Possible news:

    It seems as if comics.com is updating their site to include a free comics archive. It looks like it is in transition right now, but last night I was able to use it.

    I’m generally a lurker, and haven’t read all of yesterday’s and today’s comments, so if this is common knowledge, sorry!

  252. CCMars
    November 2nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Josh, and I apologize for getting involved.

    Now for the Sunday crowd, courtesy of my own town’s newspaper:

    Opus: I just checked out the final panel. So cute!

    DtM: Good point, but still not menacing.

    Okay, so there’s only a couple of comics, but this batch didn’t particularly stand out for me.

  253. Jim
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    #250: I actually thought that Lio was kind of funny. Calvin’s cropped up in a lot of strips featuring strange explanations for the end of his comic.

    On Opus, and be truthful… did anyone here besides me cry when they read the final strip? It was just so sweet and innocent I couldnt’ hold back the tears.

  254. Aging Hipster
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    I really tried to get this slashfic thing going, but I never got farther than tittering over such phrases as “The Charge of San Juan Hill” or “Gunboat Diplomacy”. But I did find this excellent picture:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:TAFT1909.JPG

    MW: I am really excited to see Mary teach Frank the fine art of passive-aggressiveness. Frank’s issue isn’t that his daughter isn’t living up to his expectations, it is his clumsy technique in belittling her.

    And didn’t we kill the politics talk here? It seems to keep popping up. And Doc Weasel — you are right, the internet isn’t 100% fool-proof. There are always ways around a comments section ban (i.e. posting from an internet cafe, etc.) but why go to the trouble. This forum isn’t about politics, it is about making fun of Gil Thorpe and Spiderman.

    It seems you have an excellent forum where you are free to post your own ideas as well as naked pictures of under-age teens.

  255. Aging Hipster
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Correction: It is about making fun of Gil Thorpe, Mark Trail, and Spiderman.

  256. CuntryFirst
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    re #117 (Ptychozoon):

    Trying to make Silent Cal Talk,
    Jackson grabbed Coolidge’s Cock.
    Then, for a gas
    Made pool Calvin’s Ass
    Ol’ Hickory’s dickery’s dock.

  257. Calico
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    #253 – Yes, yes, I cried. Good for the soul.
    (See #219)

  258. Andrew Leal
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Aging Hipster: Omission of Mary Worth and other notables is at your own risk. But mainly Mary because she will crush you faster than you can utter a platitude or reach out for that bottle of Jack Daniels.

    By the way, I’m not a Republican (I consider myself independent), but I read Mary Worth unironically from the age of 12 or 13 or so. Well, maybe not unironically, but not to mock it so much as to be fascinated by the likes of Minnie Monroe. Consarn it, I remember when Dawn thought Mary was dying but instead she volunteered at a hospital, by cracky, and met Dr. Jeff. I also remember the jolly matronly lady who turned out to be a wanted criminal, Smitty Smedlap of course, the introduction of Wilbur Weston (Toby hoped he would be a young hunk so naturally Ian mocked her unfulfilled sexual lust( and more forced smiles at Charterstone pool parties and holiday greeting strips than man was meant to witness. And I had to trudge 15 miles to do it! (Or just make sure I read the comics before mom threw them out, but it was though, believe me!)

  259. texas buddha
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    #254 That Taft cartoon is sexist!!! I’m offended!!! As a result I will be voting accordingly for William Jennings Bryan.

  260. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    For those of you not in the Chicago area or unfamiliar with Eric Zorn, I found his column today to be interesting and related to “our” own site (I put that in quotes because, really, it’s only Josh’s site). After fifteen years of allowing comments to his column, he’s turning that feature off. In the last week, the flamers who have no idea who he is or what his columns are about found him and have been inundating with their hate. Just like what happened here yesterday and today.

    I’ll accept being called an idiot. I’m sure a great number of my students would have put me in that category. I don’t accept the need to belittle people because they disagree with you. That’s what our current administration used as protocol and look where that’s gotten us in the world.

    Can we go back to snarking on comic strips and mocking Bobby Goldsboro’s Honey (1) (2) (3) or (4)?

    Eric Zorn

  261. Mel
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Just curious: I am from the Boston area and The Boston Globe recently retooled some sections — including the comics. They now run in color everyday of the week. Of course, during the week they are in a tabloid format so they are tiny, but color none-the-less.

    (Strips that don’t have full color dailies stay b&w but get colorized word balloons — and that looks just as lame as you are imagining it does.)

    A radio commentator on the new format opined that the color every day ruined Sundays for him because that is what Sundays were for, after all.

    Anyone else seeing this happen in other parts of the country? Thoughts?

  262. commodorejohn
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    In regards to the ending of Opus, you can call me cynical if you like, but I really wasn’t impressed. Granted, by itself it’s kinda sweet, but after the past couple months of bombastic melodrama, it’s too little, too late. I was really hopefully when I heard that Breathed was going to be starting a new comic strip way back in 2003, since Bloom County has been a favorite comic of mine since way back when I first found my parents’ collections.

    But while the occasional strip made me laugh, the whole thing turned out to be insufferably full of itself, and it was clear that Berke had completely lost his knack for poking fun at both sides of an issue, which was one of the biggest strengths of Bloom County. When the strip wasn’t serving as a one-sided political screed and wasn’t being obnoxiously pompous, it was decent, but that was so rarely that I pretty much gave up on it after the first couple years.

    I guess I could appreciate this ending better if I weren’t wondering how Breathed is going to un-end it next time someone he doesn’t like gets into office.

  263. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Andrew Leal: I actually think that’s cool. It’s been a year since I’ve started reading these comics, and years from now I’d like to be able to look back at these storylines. While I do enjoy mocking some of these comics, I really do enjoy reading them and would be sad if they were stopped.

  264. Aging Hipster
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    Oh Andrew, I never make fun of Mary Worth. I phear her!

    The beat-down she gave to Dr. Jeff left me speechless:

    MW: I am going to be visiting one of my old flames. Don’t wait up.

    Dr. J: I, uh, have stuff going on too!

    MW: No you don’t.

    Dr. J: I’m sorry.

    MW: That’s right. Don’t wait up.

    No, I find Mary Worth an inspiration. This was funny though:

    http://accordionguy.blogware.com/Photos/2006/01/mary_worth_does_my_humps.gif

  265. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    # 151 commodorejohn & # 153 Muffaroo — Thank you. I feel better now. At least I will when I get over the chocolate hangover. Oog.

  266. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    Jim @253 – A lot of us thought the Lio strip was funny, and it didn’t actually harm Calvin, Hobbes, Watterson, the Body Politic, or the Tooth Fairy. Personally, I think this was a lot more of a heartbreaker, in its way. And anyway, what could be sadder than just knowing that I was looking at the last new Calvin & Hobbes? I felt the same way when I put down the last Edward Eager book. No more. All gone.

    I felt a mild echo of that seeing the last Opus, but that’s tempered by the fact that it’s the fourth “last” strip for Breathed, starting with “The Academia Waltz,” and I wouldn’t bet either way on whether he’ll be back. Still, it was a nice idea, and I think it was well executed, and after all the griping I’ve done about the cutesiness and (to swipe a phrase) self-importance of the strip, I give him full marks for a good exit.

  267. AtomicDog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Soooo… what else on Luann’s Mom does Dad like shaved?

  268. Jim
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    #262: I feel the same way. When Berke brought back his strip, it just didn’t have the same appeal of Bloom County and Outland. It seemed like he was pushing out a knock-off Doonesbury, and that hasn’t been funny since the late 70s. So I think it’s nice that he decided to bring it to a close on a very sweet, hopeful note. I wish him the best with his future career.

  269. Aging Hipster
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Muffaroo, that link made me cry.

  270. ComicsFan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    PeterW, I agree! Arrgh! I had to recreate my Comics.com account, which I did — thinking I was going to have to reselect all my numerous comics. But the site that apparently didn’t “remember” me certainly remembered all my comics selections once I got past the
    Create Profile screen. Which begs the question as to why I had to recreate my account in the first place.

    You wouldn’t think free comics would make us gripe so much!

  271. ComicsFan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    Oh crap! Comics.com says it doesn’t remember me AGAIN! Grrrrrr.

  272. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    Muffaroo, I didn’t remember that strip and looking at it brought a lump to my throat.

  273. NoVan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    #266 Muffaroo: Ow. My childhood.

    That link hurt me far more than Opus. Perhaps that’s because I was started reading the comics well after Bloom County, but… ouch.

  274. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    #266.
    Wow, the Colonel has the entire C&H collection, and for some reason I don’t remeber that one. I got chills.

    That strip and the final Sunday of C&H are a wonderful tribute to A.A. Milne’s brilliant finale to his Winnie the Pooh stories. If you haven’t read them lately, do your emotions a favor, (especially after the last couple of days of CC comments) and dive in again. The last few chapters will absolutley kill you.

    An excerpt: (understand that by this point in the book, all of Chirstopher Robin’s animal friends had disappeared. He couldn’t see them anymore. Only Pooh was left…)

    Then, suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still looking at the world, with his chin in his hands, called out “Pooh!”
    “Yes?” Said Pooh.
    “When I’m–when—Pooh!”
    “Yes, Christopher Robin?”
    “I’m not going to do Nothing anymore.”
    “Never?”
    “Well, not so very much. They don’t let you.”

    “Pooh, when I’m — you know — when I’m not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?”
    “Just me?”
    “Yes, Pooh.”
    “Will you be here, too?”
    “Yes, Pooh, I will be, really. I promise I will be, Pooh.”
    “That’s good,” said Pooh.

    There’s more, but it would be ready to read it again on your own.

    The point: Winne the Pooh and Calvin and Hobbes both nailed the meloncholy truth of the inevitability of growing up in the context of everlasting youth. When I read the final Calvin & Hobbes strip, I cried.

    When I read Opus, I shrugged.

  275. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    DT — I like bug-eyed Dick in the last panel. But I’d like him a lot better if he were being told that the strip is ending within a month and that he has to choose where he wants to end up for all eternity.

  276. Aging Hipster
    November 2nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    I think the Calvin and Hobbes strip is a photoshop. The repetition of the artwork and the reference to the ‘meds’ are the tip-offs.

    That said, it isn’t any less poignant.

  277. Mars
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    Why do people KEEP getting tricked by that fake Calvin strip? It does not look authentic in the LEAST. I’ve got a well-trafficked page of compiled rare Calvin material on my website and every so often someone will send me an E-mail linking me to that strip and saying I missed one.

    Not only does the font not look like Watterson’s handwriting and the pencil look like it was drawn by someone else, but this strip would resolve the “is Hobbes real or imaginary” issue, which Watterson wanted to remain a mystery.

  278. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, I looked at the last year in the C&H anthology, and couldn’t find it. No wonder none of us could remember it.

    Freaking brilliant job, though…

  279. Islamorada Girl
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Teddy thanks you. Willie thanks you. And I thank you, from the bottom of the Ten Commandments bathtub.

    Dingo, you could wear eau de fried fish cologne and you would smell great because you’re Dingo, friend to the downtrodden, right ladies?

  280. Andrew Leal
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    If memory serves, the real last Calvin was more Pooh-like, a boy and his tiger walking in the woods or something of the kind. I could very well be wrong (it’s not a strip I’ve actively collected).

  281. fishmorgjp
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    The last C&H strip showed our heroes basically riding off into the sunset… or into the snow, rather, with swell prospects for the future. I though everybody knew about the fake “last” C&H thing.

  282. NoVan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    I know that Calvin and Hobbes is fake, c’mon! But as a teenager, I remember that C&H was one of the few comics that I could relate to because, for once, it didn’t treat childhood like an idyllic time. So that link, photoshopped though it is, cuts deep.

  283. Deena in OR
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Mars – 277

    So, you’re an Oregonian? Don’t ask how I parsed that one….

  284. Brick Bradford
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    SM So Big Time’s brilliant plot is to make people think Spider-Man robbed the clock exhibit, then knocked himself out and shackled himself? Diabolically clever.

    JP If Sam weren’t asexual Abby would have something to worry about.

    MW Oh, shut up.

  285. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    227. Seismic-2: oh, I have no idea what’s really going on in PV. I figured we were in for something special with the giant crabs ‘n’ octopus. I guess the writers, once the crew had been waylaid in the Sargasso Sea, realized that dying of thirst/hunger wasn’t exactly the most exciting of ends.
    Perhaps the small size of the mini-Neandertals is a result of island effect, in which many species develop a smaller body size in order to survive limited resources usually available on an island (my favorite example of this is the pygmy mammoth that lived on the Channel Islands off the coast of California). Maybe Val’s hosts are ancestors of the Phantom’s Bandar people, and primitive Pict is a forerunner of the Bandar tongue.
    Okay. I really don’t have any idea where the story’s going. I just refuse to write Roosevelt/Taft slash, that’s all…

    234. Jeet: congratulations on the Opus contest! We have some of the brightest and wittiest folks here!

    240. Donkey Hotey re Opus: I, too, have always been a fan of the fat-nosed one, even in the reboots. (I think it’s kind of neat that one of my friends, whenever he reads a Bloom County or Outland or Opus strip, thinks of my voice as the voice of Opus). Still, this was a Good and Glorious Ending ™.
    Berkeley, let Opus sleep in late, and I will continue to rescue any stuffed Opera we happen to run across at yard sales (we have 13 in our flock…ask me for a photo, if you want proof). Do we have a deal, sir?

    254. Aging Hipster: now, if Taft’s outfit could be altered by Gunther, perhaps, into one more suitable for a French maid (or Dixie Julep), I think we’d have a winnah!

  286. dale
    November 2nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace — 10/31
    I’m a couple days late and have no idea what I’m talking about, but could Dennis be wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask?

  287. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    For the record, 90% of my earlier post was in reference to the real final “Sunday Strip”. I agree whole-heartedly with #280 that it is the one that is most “Pooh-like”.

    I’m kind of sheepish that, as an extreme C&H fan, I sort of fell for the fake strip.

    Even as I was searching for it in the collection, I started having second thoughts and remarked to the Blond that there were some troubling things about it. I just couldn’t see Calvin’s parents wanting him on ritalin, or Waterson himself clouding (or un-clouding) the whole premise of the strip that way.

    So, I’m having those thoughts, and I refresh the comments, and, “Oh…..Crap.”

    Shoulda Coulda Woulda known better…
    I didn’t.

  288. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, it wouldn’t have occurred to me that anybody would have thought that that strip, with the mechanical lettering and photoshopped art, was intended to be taken as genuine. I just think that, as a commentary, it cut deep and hurt a little. I found another in that vein while I was looking for the graphic of that one, but didn’t want to dilute its impact. It’s a slightly cleverer fake, but it didn’t carry the same sting.

    C. Havok, yes, the ending of the Pooh stories brings a lump to my corny old throat. It’s an ending that’s been often imitated, seldom (if ever) equaled. My daughter is six, and just about the only thing I don’t let her watch on the Disney channels is “Disney the Pooh,” that saccharine, inane zombie version of those wonderful stories. They took the life right out of those, and it still steams me. (Andrew’s heard this before.)

    Actually, the closest thing I remember to the end of Pooh is the finale of a sequence in The Sandman, where a young woman has been trapped in someone else’s dream, and to get her out, Morpheus basically has to end the dream, and there’s a procession of everybody in the dream, and Dream himself exchanges some politely formal words with a woman who we know to be the long-dead original dreamer of the dream. It all happens in the middle distance, and seems (as does much of Sandman’s fantasy) disturbingly real.

    Then again, the Bard put it best:

    Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
    As I foretold you, were all spirits and
    Are melted into air, into thin air:
    And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
    The cloud-capp’d towers, the gorgeous palaces,
    The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
    Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve
    And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
    Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
    As dreams are made on, and our little life
    Is rounded with a sleep.

    “The great globe itself…” Get it?

  289. thewalkindude
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I think the funniest part of this whole ****storm is the fact that it was touched off by the freaking Family Circus. I mean, this is probably the first political debate that those damn melon-headed freaks ever begam.

  290. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    #288 Muffaroo:
    The Bard…Cool.

    And thanks for linking the ‘fake’ C&H. It did have the intended impact: Touching our old heart-strings.

    Speaking of Shakespeare and the subject of “Great Endings”:

    The film version on Twelfth Night.
    There’s something really touching about Sir Ben Kingsly’s Feste, during his final song, as all the character’s stories resolve, looking into the camera and singing,

    A great while ago the world begun,
    With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
    But that’s all done, our play is done,
    And we’ll stive to please you every day.

    We’ll strive to please you…every day.

    Kinda like this blog. Welcome back, Josh.

  291. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    Hey,
    We’ve got a few hours before our “parents” get home.

    Any other Great, Lump in your Throat, Endings out there, people?

  292. Donkey Hotey
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    #262 commmodorejohn – I wouldn’t call you cynical; on the contrary, I’d call your optimism admirable. Personally, after suffering through the disappointment and misery of Outland, I had little hope that Opus would be worth reading, and unfortunately I rarely found that I was mistaken. There is clearly such a thing as cartoonist burnout (which is good, or we’d have nothing to snark about here except those goddam Republicans/Democrats), and the Wattersons and Larsons of the cartooning world are bigger men in my mind for knowing when to hang it up.

  293. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Rosebud was his sled.

  294. Uncle Lumpy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    Soylent Green is people.

  295. Ukulele Ike
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Nobody’s perfect!

  296. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    How about Lando Calrissian clapping out of synch with the music?

    Kinda made the whole “Funeral Pyre for a Jedi” lame by comparison.

  297. Mel
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    That’s not just her sister it’s her daughter AND sister.

  298. Lisa
    November 2nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    I saw a book collection of Garfield Minus Garfield in the bookstore the other day. How did they manage the copyright stuff??

  299. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    Any one of the nine “Fade to Black” endings of “Return of the King.”

    OK, let’s go with the scene at the top of Minas Terith, with Aragorn, Arwen, and the Hobbits. The rest were just dumb.

    (Submitted by the Colonel’s Nerdy Adult Children)

  300. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    To whom he faithfully read, “Winnie the Pooh”

    …and cried every time.

  301. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    “So drink up me hearties yo ho!”

    (Compass snaps shut: instant black out)

  302. dyslexic dog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    what do you mean, i’m funny?…you mean the way i talk? what?…funny how? i mean, what’s funny about it?…but i’m funny how? i mean, funny like i’m a clown? i amuse you? i make you laugh? i’m here to f**kin’ amuse you? what do you mean, funny? funny how? how’m i funny??…how the f**k am i funny? what the f**k is so funny about me? tell me? tell me what’s funny!…

  303. Uncle Lumpy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    #298 Lisa –

    Satire has strong protections under copyright law, and the “Gw/oG” panels are clearly “derivative works.”

    Anyway, Jim Davis is a fan.

  304. Andrew Leal
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    According to legend, the lost “I Love Lucy” in which the entire cast was slaughtered by Bolivian druglords (a device Desilu came up with to keep CBS from recasting) is especially poignant and almost started a TV trend.

    (Footnote: No, it didn’t actually happen, as far as we *know*, but it could have! The Truth is out there!)

    Actually, the whole Sandman scene Muffaroo described reminded me of the infamous final “St. Elsewhere” episode, minus Dr. Auschlander’s heart attack, bizarre in-joke references to “M*A*S*H” and “The Fugitive,” and Howie Mandel.

    In comic related news, one of my favorite strips, “Tumbleweeds,” ended not long ago, with little fanfare. It had become not so much stale as insane in recent years, and the use of a bland font (in contrast to the gorgeous hand-lettered strip) didn’t help, but it never sank to the depths of so many other strips. So T. K. Ryan quietly called it quits. The last daily, in December, had Tumbleweeds not riding off but sitting reflectively on the cliff as the sunset goes down (a recurring motif), while the last Sunday had nearly the entire cast (and that strip had a huge cast, ala “Pogo”) packed into a stagecoach and riding off into 2008 (or the future, where their final fates have yet to be told), as a combination New Year’s greeting and last farewell.

    It was hard to find, but here’s the last Sunday, with an elaborate poem (Ryan often did such things in the strip):
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/tumbleweeds.asp?date=20071230

    And the more low-key daily:
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/tumbleweeds.asp?date=20071229

    As far as I know, T. K. Ryan has no health issues (or just hasn’t discussed it), but decided it was time to call it a day. No assistants taking over (JIm Davis assisted Ryan for a time before starting his own strip and eventually the Paws Inc. sweatshop), no relatives, no endless reruns or mishandled attempts at either pastiche or “hip” relevancy. Those last strips will never become as legendary as Calvin, no doubt, but Tumbleweeds shuffled off the funny page coil with dignity and humor. I hope Fantagraphics or someone starts a reprint series soon.

  305. gleeb
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    Ah. Sorry about that; I got a little, uh, silly. It’s just that Taft, well, never mind. Anyway, the comics…

    Baldo: Death delivers a trite message, and goes on his way. No wonder he gets so few invitations to parties.

    Dick: Remember, don’t trust the elderly!

    ‘bean: Insane Henry, who seems not to have changed his shirt since the Cancer Memorial Cancer Walk for Cancer Lisa’s Cancer, takes it upon himself to be the guy who “relates” to the DJ.

    Mark: Look out, jellyfish! AIEEEE!

    Phantom: Well, actually, you ran there by yourself. The police only brought you to their little Luaga Youth camp.

    Slylock: I know the answer has something to do with the water temperature (what, M le Comte couldn’t invent a device to add hot water if the temperature falls below a certain point?), but I like to think it’s because Slylock knows Weirdly likes being caught in the nude.

    Pluggers: …are the reason it takes so long to vote, as they were at the end of their technological ropes when it was just paper ballots.

  306. Uncle Lumpy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    #302 d-dog –

    And in tangentially related news, Lefty Rosenthal has died.

  307. Uncle Lumpy
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    #305 gleeb –

    The police only brought you to their little Luaga Youth camp.

    Part of the famed Luag Archipelago.

  308. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    SPOILER for most biographies:
    they die in the end

  309. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    291. C. Havoc: No, but I think I have a lump in the pit of my stomach…my contribution to Volume 1 of the site’s slashfic:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2997592958/

  310. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    Mein Fuhrer. I can walk!

  311. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    SPOILERS

    The boat sinks.

    Sylvia Plath dies.

    Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time.

    When the groundskeeper tries to blow up the gopher, the vibrations make the winning putt fall into the cup.

  312. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    #308 Muffaroo:

    99% of James Bond Movies:

    He gets away with the girl before everything blows up.

  313. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Hey, this blog doesn’t know Daylight Saving Time just ended!

  314. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    #288 Muffaroo: “Then again, the Bard put it best:”
    … etc., etc.
    “The great globe itself…” Get it?

    Sure do. The torso of William Howard Taft, right?

    That was from one of Shakespeare’s less successful comedies, The Merry Presidents of Windsor, which brought back the fat-clown character from Roosevelt the First, Parts 1 & 2.

  315. papa zita
    November 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    193: C’mon, you know it’s “A man, a plan, a canal, Suez!”. What’s hilarious about the Panama one is that the man, plan, and canal were all different. We took over a (doubly) failed French venture to build the canal, and even the US didn’t do it as the original US plan, either. So it’s the dumbest palindrome in existence, which is why I make fun of it, even though I stole the saying from someone else.

  316. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    BTW, here is the genuine final Calvin & Hobbes strip, published on December 31, 1995. Rather than ending on a down note of thermodynamic irreversibility (such as Calvin’s somehow growing up), the strip leaves itself open to consider that every New Year brings a fresh start, and there are always chances to explore Brave New Worlds that have such people (and kids, and tigers, and space monsters) in them.

  317. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    11/2

    DtM: You couldn’t have the AI joke ready for the Bush-Kerry election?

    BH: Hilda, I’d be glad to have David Bowie as President too. Unfortunately he’s not eligible. Will always be the Thin White Duke, though.

    HtH: All of a sudden, it’s the Medieval Waiting for Godot.

    Lio: Kamikaze Kritters? Do I smell spinoff?

    RMMD: If the ambulance is rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.

  318. anonymous
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    #304 – Hey, I remember Tumbleweeds from the time the paper here ran it decades ago! Haven’t seen it in years, but I thought it was a scream! I remember an Indian with a pouty upper lip and a desperate spinster-schoolmarm type. I’m glad the strip went out with class and dignity!

    This Taft slashfic is the most hilariously cringeworthy stuff I have ever read, you guys are killing me!

  319. IrishLass
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    More Spoilers:

    Rhett leaves Scarlett.

    Manderlay burns up.

    Mr. Rochester marries Jane.

    Amelia finds out who bought the piano.

    Scrooge learns to keep Christmas.

    Tiny Tim does not die.

    Lenny is killed.

    Mr. Gatsby is shot in a case of mistaken identity.

  320. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    Chewbacca is Leah’s cousin.

    Wait, is that right?

  321. Dr. Weird
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    #286 dale- The “typical” Phantom of the Opera mask (From the musical that is most in the public eye, as opposed to the Lon Cheney monster version) is a half or three-quarters mask. He didn’t cover the unscarred parts of his face, including his mouth. Maybe it’s a “comedy” mask, from the classic Greek theater?

    Also, has anyone seen the “Final Opus Letter?” The whole Berke Breathed site seems to be slashdotted. I managed to see the panel but not the letter.

  322. Muffaroo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    papa zita @315 – Ah, now you’ve wandered onto a favorite topic of mine: Plaindromes, devised in, as far as I can remember, the late 80s for people who love the tortured syntax of palindromes, but don’t care for the added burden of making them read the same backwards as forwards. It was in an issue of Games magazine. The ones I liked were:

    Stella, Otis and Edna deified Satan.
    Money man, I; an Adam; not even a doom.
    Able was I ere I saw Hackensack.

    I may have made the last one up myself. It’s been such a long time. I think they had “A man, a plan, a canal — Suez.” On the other hand, a friend of mine named Dan Hoey has written a computer program that generated the longest palindrome in the English language. It starts off with “A man, a plan, a canal…” then it goes on for hundreds of words, and finally wraps up with “…Panama.” Every now and then he adds to it, too.

  323. Dingo
    November 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    The couer de la mar did not go down with the ship but is in Rose’s pocket. After being flown first class to the explorer’s platform with her granddaughter and spending two hours regaling everyone with the story of her life, Rose reveals that the only thing separating her flimsy nightgown from her gnarled flesh is… the couer de la mar. She climbs the railing and tosses the jewel into the North Atlantic, singlehandedly ending the picture and Bill Paxton’s career and subjugating her granddaughter to a continued life of waitressing in New Mexico diners.

    The couer de la mar floats to the bottom of the ocean and comes to rest in the navel of William Howard Taft, who is napping on a chaise longue at the edge of a precipice. Teddy Roosevelt swims to him and watches as the light off of his teeth causes the gem to glow like a 1970s disco ball.

  324. Lettuce
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    Even, a few days later, it can’t be understated that Dolly from “The Family Circus” went Trick-or-Treatings as a MILF.

  325. Amateur
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    When I saw “Opus” in the paper, I thought it looked kind of weird and confusing and, well, stupid — but that final panel raised it many notches. Very nice. Still, I agree it wasn’t very thoughtful to ignore those who don’t have easy Internet access. If you’re going to put a comic strip in the paper, then put it in the stinkin’ paper already.

    #285 — How nice to have a flock of Opera! I need to start hitting yard sales. I’ll try not to encroach on your turf, though.

    #250 — Though I often like my humor dark, I tend to agree that the “Lio” in question was a bit too morbid for its own good. But then, I often think that strip is overrated. Sorry, “Lio” fans, I just do.

  326. Seismic-2
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    It’s a cookbook!!!!!

  327. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    Someone once wrote a series of progressively longer palindromes that started off something like:

    Dennis sinned.

    Dennis and Edna sinned.

    Dennis, Nell, Edna, and Ellen sinned.

  328. Anonymous
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    Is anyone else having trouble with comics.com? I’ve tried to get on the site on my PC and my mac on Internet explorer, firefox, and safari. All I get is loading symbols and error messages. Can anyone help? I’m a lurker on this site, but have been reading Josh since 2007.

  329. Unakau
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    HTH: Vote Obama!

    Peanuts: Oh, boy. Today’s rerun of Peanuts looks like it’s tying The Great Pumpkin’s method of choosing the pumpking patch to America’s method of choosing the President. As per usual, Charlie Brown makes it depressing with a single comment. Brilliant.

    SS: The kids in today’s Stone Soup are yelling at me to make the decision that would help them out in life. I wonder which candidate would allow for funnier Stone Soup storylines involving the kids…
    I guess I’m voting for Ralph Nader.

    H&L: Say whatever you want, but I think that Chip’s statement about adults deciding the future for their kids is pretty cool. Oddly enough, I never enjoyed this strip. But I certainly did, today.

    FC: After the typical “Family Circus Christian joke,” Bil Keane turns to the audience and makes me really, really uncomfortable.
    Unless of course he’s jealous of his wife’s preference of that hymn over him.

    Opus: Brilliant. Now to read through all of my Bloom County books.

    Dennis The Menace: No, Dennis. See, with American Idol, everyone’s vote is equal.

  330. Jim
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    To everyone who got worried by the Calvin and Hobbes strip in the link, don’t worry about it: it was not drawn by Bill Watterson. It’s a fake strip. The official end of C&H is, and continues to be “It’s a magical world, Hobbes… let’s go exploring!”

  331. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    # 323 Dingo — Excellent! You just reminded me of why the ending of TITANIC caused me to mentally hurl my dinner across the North Atlantic.

    And Islamorada Girl is right, as is her wont. Your appeal goes well beyond mere olfactory details. Though something about your prose makes me think “mmm, cinnamon.”

  332. ComicsFan
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    I was able to log on to Comics.com (had to recreate my account) and even read my comics, but the site is definitely acting up. All I can suggest is to keep trying.

  333. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    # 316 Seismic-2 — Thanks, I needed that.

  334. Batman Beatles
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    It was earth all along

    Fiona was an ogre.

    RoseMary’s baby is the son of the devil

    She’s really a man

    The thief killed uncle Ben

  335. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    The ragtag bunch of misfits manage to graduate from the Police Academy.

  336. dyslexic dog
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name: gnat dirt upset on drab pot-toilet.

  337. Red Greenback
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    The “W” was some palm trees.

  338. Batman Beatles
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    The Joker killed Batman’s parents

    Judge Doom is really a Toon and framed Roger Rabbit.

  339. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    “Springtime for Hitler” became a surprise hit.

  340. C. Havoc
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    So did “Deathtrap”.

  341. papa zita
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    323: I think I know who I stole it from, but I hate to misattribute it. I read it about 25 years ago, that much I’m sure of.

  342. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    Abbott and Costello meet not only Frankenstein, but several other classic movie monsters.

  343. Batman Beatles
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Blanche was the one who tried to kill Baby Jane. Not the other way around.

    “Mother” was really Norman Bates

    Rhett Butler left Scarlet.

  344. Red Greenback
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    “Blue sky on Mars. That’s a new one.”

  345. Mel
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Like we all need another site to spend time on but…

    http://www.moviepooper.com/

    all your movie spoilers in one location.

  346. Shermy Glamrocker
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    Sleeping Beauty wakes up and marries her prince.

    The glass slipper fits Cinderella and she marries her prince.

    The great white shark is killed.

  347. Angry Kem
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    High on the list of bitter-sweet, heart-string-tugging endings:

    They stood there in silence and looked out into the winter night. The stars were shining over Villa Villekulla’s roof. Pippi was inside. She would always be there. That was a comforting thought. The years would go by, but Pippi and Tommy and Annika would not grow up. That is, of course, if the strength hadn’t gone out of the chililug pills. There would be new springs and summers, new autumns and winters, but their games would go on. Tomorrow they would build a snow hut and make a ski slope from the roof of Villa Villekulla, and when spring came they would climb the hollow oak where soda pop spouted up. They would hunt for treasure and they would ride Pippi’s horse. They would sit in the woodbin and tell stories. Perhaps they would also take a trip to Kurrekurredutt Island now and then, to see Momo and Moana and the others. But they would always come back to Villa Villekulla.

    And the most wonderful, comforting thought was that Pippi would always be in Villa Villekulla.

    “If she would only look in this direction we could wave to her,” said Tommy.

    But Pippi continued to stare straight ahead with a dreamy look. Then she blew out the light.

    The end-of-the-dream-skerry scene from Sandman always reminds me strongly of a certain bit near the end of C. S. Lewis’s The Last Battle. You know the bit I mean.

  348. Red Greenback
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    John Goodman didn’t get eaten.

  349. Shermy Glamrocker
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    Good wins over evil

    The hard-luck team of ragtag misfits wins the championship.

    The boy gets the girl.

  350. bats :[
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    348. Red Greenback: all right, I’m stumped. Was that the series finale for “Roseanne”?

  351. Poteet
    November 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    The little girl gets shot saving her baby brother from the evil fascist and thereby proves she is the legendary princess.

    The man learns that the new book by the writer he saved from the Stasi has been dedicated to him.

    The little mermaid regains her voice, becomes human, and marries the prince.

    Everyone has loud enormous orgasms.

  352. Anonymous
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    Is Docweasel banned yet?

  353. C. Havoc
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    TV Spoiler:
    Ty will find a disadvantaged family with more kids than the entire population of Bismarck, North Dakota. He and the gang will take the family’s tiny little Crap Shack and transform it, with the help of SEARS CRAFTSMAN TOOLS, into a five story mansion with a swimming pool and recording studio. Everything will go wrong, while TY runs around like a poster boy for Ritalin. ™ Even with the deadline approaching the crew will find time to goof around, visit local tourist attractions and play guitar solos. The last piece of furniture will be moved in just as the family arrives and looks surprised. Everyone will retire to the new recording studio, where we discover that no one in the family can sing. You will hate them because their house is much nicer than yours.

  354. Batman Beatles
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    #353 – The family will end up foreclosing the house because it’s way to big to keep up with the payments and utilities.

  355. Mel
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Ethan doesn’t kill her after all: “Let’s go home, Debby.”

  356. C. Havoc
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    One more spoiler / ending, then it’s time for bed…

    It is revealed that the agent everyone thought was good, was actually bad, but didn’t know it until they found out that the guy at the head of the bad organization was working for the good guys all along. Sydney gets REALLY ticked off at her dad, boyfriend, boss, or all three. The short guy breaks a computer code to disarm the bomb just as the timer reads “00:02”. Sydney gets really sad as the soundtrack plays a mournful, female-vocalist intensive song to cover the fact that Jennifer Garner has the acting skills of a turnip. The series is cancelled forever.

    Thank you, everyone. This entire thread has been disconcertingly cathartic.

  357. Dingo
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    Billy Joe jumped off the Tallahatchee Bridge because he had sex with a man… and liked it.

  358. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    Johnny Cash proposes to June.

  359. Red Greenback
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    “I have the respect of the community, and that makes me proud…So if you can’t take pride in your job, remember, there’s always work at the post office.”

    350 bats [: No. (hint: starts with a C.)

    352 Anonymous: I don’t know, but let’s hope and pray this was not the case.

  360. Mel
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    C. Havoc, thank you, too. Enjoyed your comments this evening.

  361. Mibbitmaker
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    It was all a dream, as he wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.

    Best TV show ending ever.

  362. Andrew Leal
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Everybody on [Insert Least Offensive Name] Island dies, as punishment for their own past murders, but the real culprit faked his death before tidying up and committing suicide.

  363. Poteet
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    # 354 — And/or the family gets in trouble with local officials for repeated code violations.

  364. Muffaroo
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Dingo @323 – Special prize for spelling “longue” correctly. Some day, I’ll buy you a drink.

    Now, for my money, the most amazing ending lines in fiction come at the conclusion of “Red Wind” by Raymond Chandler (which also has legendary opening lines). I even looked them up again and previewed them here, but my code against spoilers prevents me from putting them here. Nobody should be deprived of the experience of reading “Red Wind,” unspoiled, for the first time. It’s just that good. Seriously.

  365. Muffaroo
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Andrew Leal – I was in that play, as Wargrave. One of the best memories of theater ever. The rest of the cast was great, and our director was the second best I’ve ever worked with. And I had long been a fan of the novel. As you can well imagine, I had a swell scene in it, too.

    Aw, man, time for bed.

  366. Red Greenback
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    Back at the castle, a messenger passes along the message that for the first time in 900 years, someone has won the game and Cabot (plus wounded Dad who still has the arrow in him) is seen coming up on his horse. Ruballie joins them, freeze frame on the two of them, fade out.

  367. Jana C.H.
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    Elizabeth marries Mr. Darcy.

    The Captain and Ralph were swapped as babies.

    The Countess forgives the Count.

    Hector gets a nice funeral.

    Everyone dies except Alberich.

    Jana C.H.
    Seattle
    Saith JcH: Do whatever you like with Wagner, but mess with Gilbert and Sullivan and you die!

  368. Angry Kem
    November 3rd, 2008 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Jack and Algernon are brothers.

  369. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    The name of the act is “The Aristocrats”.

  370. Batman Beatles
    November 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    Ralphie gets his Red Rider BB gun.

    Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks finally meet.

    Lassie does come home

    Old Yeller gets shot.

    Now on to the comics:

    Luann – Haw! Haw![/Nelson]

    9CL – Oh will you stop it with the hiccups?!

    MW – “I’m seeing how much abuse…er, I mean practise is involved in competitive skating.”

  371. Donkey Hotey
    November 3rd, 2008 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    #304 Andrew Leal – It’s interesting that your search for the last Tumbleweeds strips led you to the Post-Intelligencer, since that paper hasn’t carried the strip in at least the 22 years I’ve lived here. I used to read the strip as a kid in the Daily Olympian before I moved from Olympia to Seattle for college in 1986. I remember it as being consistently enjoyable, though never screamingly funny.

    #319 IrishLass – Gatsby…Gatsby DIES? But…but what about the green light? What about the orgiastic future?

    #335 Skullturf Q. Beavispants – Nicely done. The phrase “ragtag bunch of misfits” always makes me laugh, regardless of context.

    #337 Red Greenback – Best screwball comedy EVARRR.

    #347 Angry Kem – Awww, I haven’t read that in about 30 years. THAT brought a tear to my eye. What sweet, innocent childhood stories all the Pippi books were. Great memories.

    #350 bats :[ – LMAO

    Did anyone see the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror tonight? One segment featured a bunch of homages to “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” and was quite well done.

  372. Donkey Hotey
    November 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    Oh…and it was all a dream, she’s still in Kansas, and the world is still black-and-white.

  373. dale
    November 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 am [Reply]

    AfkaB — 317

    I had to go back and look to see how you managed to connect Dennis the Menace to Artificial Intelligence.

  374. DanKirby
    November 3rd, 2008 at 3:35 am [Reply]

    S-M: All the stuff is gone, and their prime suspect is the unconscious superhero lying on the ground in handcuffs? These cops are more inept at law enforcement than Spider-Man himself.

  375. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 3rd, 2008 at 4:28 am [Reply]

    Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
    (Slashfic aficionados can take it from here.)

  376. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 3rd, 2008 at 4:45 am [Reply]

    Monday’s FC— I think that the Keanes like us. They’ve provided us with a complete-the-sentence contest:

    …but you look like Dame Edna.
    …but why did you dye Barfy’s fur blue?
    …but why do you want me to lie in this position?

    I know, I know, these are lame. But after a weekend overdose of car races and football games, I got nothin’. I’m sure you guys can do better.

  377. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    November 3rd, 2008 at 5:36 am [Reply]

    #261 Mel:

    A radio commentator on the new format opined that the color every day ruined Sundays for him because that is what Sundays were for, after all.

    Anyone else seeing this happen in other parts of the country? Thoughts?

    Yep, Mel, m’local fishwrap (the Sacramento Bee) went to color comics several weeks ago, when it converted to tabloid format. I think it’s just a way to distract customers from the gutting of the paper’s actual content. As in, hey, we have no more investigative reporters to speak of, but look at these bright, shiny comics!

    I find the color random and oversaturated. It obliterates the line quality. No sir, I don’t like it. The dailies are too small to compete with all that visual clutter.

  378. Seismic-2
    November 3rd, 2008 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    One of the best endings ever: Marlowe’s soliloquy about Rusty Regan’s murder from The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler:

    What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just slept the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell. Me, I was part of the nastiness now. Far more a part of it than Rusty Regan was. But the old man didn’t have to be. He could lie quiet in his canopied bed, with his bloodless hands olded on the sheet, waiting. His heart was a brief, uncertain murmur. His thoughts were as gray as ashes. And in a little while he too, like Rusty Regan, would be sleeping the big sleep.

    On the way downtown I stopped at a bar and had a couple of double Scotches. They didn’t do me any good. All they did was make me think of Silver Wig, and I never saw her again.

  379. MrsIrB
    November 3rd, 2008 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    9cl: Well, I suppose hiccups are better than some of the things you can get when it comes to pre-coitus jitters. Had a friend that threw up in the first three attempts to, ahem, get himself deflowered.

    He found alcohol to be an excellent suppressant.

  380. Mr. O'Malley
    November 3rd, 2008 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    205. IG, you rule! If only I could figure out how to work “Yonder lies the obelisk of your jubilee.” into ordinary conversation, I would do it. Maybe a name for a band or something…

    Perhaps something like:

    My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings!
    Yonder lies the obelisk of your jubilee…

    The comics today are such a miasma of tedium that I can barely stand anything other than classic Peanuts. Have we really come to the point where reruns trump creativity?

    On the comics page, I mean. The curmudgeons are still putting out radioactive snark.

  381. John C Fremont
    November 3rd, 2008 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    # 319 IrishLass – Not Lenny!!!

  382. gleeb
    November 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Between Friends: Having sent Tamara off to be murdered by her abusive husband, it’s time for wacky hijinks in a store. I’m not sorry to see the end of this foray into Batiukism, but I wonder if it will remain dropped.

    ‘shaft: Only one of them will be coming back, like Holmes and Moriarty.

    Curtis: We return so soon to the barbershop, but only one small sign gag; I’m disappointed.

    H&L: Hi and Thirsty, unemployed yet ashamed to admit it, wander the neighborhood all day, looking for day labor and half-eaten food.

    Slylock: Slylock is also going to have the investors arrested. They have no money, and are just looking for someone to swindle. You can tell because while they are cats, only one of them seems fat, and that’s just because he’s short.

  383. One-eyed Wolfdog
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke: “Sure, why not… I’m gonna get raped either way; might as well enjoy a spherical food object first.”

  384. Little Guy
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    Sorry, Josh, but I only have Bob Taft/FDR slash. And people are terrible human beings only in sports terms.

    Oh, and Dolly was playing Baby Jane.

    ZtP: Longest non-Griffy/non-Dingburg arc ever.

    Big Nate: Fuck sportsmanship. With a buildup this big, I expect rioting, anarchy, and Bitsy upside down in flames.

    ySFX: Sure, Bob, you let Cassandra and Shylock finish the night after an illicit encounter, but do you allow the Weirdlys to have a quiet evening in a bubble bath? Noooooooooo!

    Opus: Meh. MEH, I said!

    yLio: Day of the Dead, where, if you’re a good little station security chief, a leggy sexy undead GROPOS will show up in your showing singing Emily Dickerson poems.

  385. The Divine O'F
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Three things:

    1. You guys rock!

    2. I found Opus tedious and self-indulgent, so I did not read it. But now I am curious. What led up to the very bizarre Sunday strip? Is Opus dead? (I hope so.) If so, how did he die?

    3. Ending: “What?” (Thirty bonus points for anyone who knows the book or movie.)

  386. One-eyed Wolfdog
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    The boss in Sally Forth seems to be awfully enamored of those clasp envelopes. What do you call someone like that? “He’s a total clasp-head?” Hm, nah. “He’s a big clasper?” Well, maybe. Yeah. I bet he’d like that.

  387. One-eyed Wolfdog
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Slylock seems to be channeling Mitch Hedberg today. “If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. ‘Here’s a beer, Mitch – it’s ice cold.’ Damn! I guess I could lick it.”

  388. Pastor Z
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Best finale ever? Hands down:

    Bob wakes up and says to his wife, “Emily, I just had the strangest dream…”

  389. dimestore lipstick
    November 3rd, 2008 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    The gang makes it back to Coney Island.

    Rick and Louie get together.

    The guy and gal who fought all the way though find true love.

  390. Calico
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    #304 – I remember Tumbleweeds. Always seemed rather trippy to me, but trippy in a cute way.

    #327 – Emil, asleep, peels a lime.

  391. Seismic-2
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    The monotlith appears at the foot of the bed, and a space fetus orbits the earth.

    Donald Sutherland points and screams.

    Sean Young, Harrison Ford, and Ridley Scott are all replicants.

  392. Calico
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    #387 – Beersicles for all!

    Thirsty Thurston would like that much better than coffee and donuts. Perhaps the chill-cup is a good thing after all.

  393. kalki
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Opus: So Opus’s paradise was to be asleep in a children’s book? Or is that dead in bed? Stupidest ending ever.

    9CL: So they took yet another day to clear the air. I guess they will sex it up by next weekend.

    Blondie: That’s right, Mr. B. Your tax dollars are going to us…now fork over the cash.

    FC: Those aren’t slippers…

    GA: Let me guess…The appraiser made a mistake and this inksplat is worth millions? Good show. What a way to set up a one day murder spree.

    FW: Now take these roofies, Dad and go find Cindy Summers.

    Luann: Cell phone pics? Flip to the month with the money shot then.

  394. Shoebox
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    “It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.”

  395. Angry Kem
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    He drew a deep breath. “Well, I’m back,” he said.

  396. Muffaroo
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Another great ending:
    “Well…!
    Well…!
    Seekers! Now I’ve seen everything! This is the end!
    Or is it only… [dog barks]
    No. It’s the end.”
    [footsteps, trudging away.]

  397. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    BB: Correction: The trombone is what Sarge uses to prod Beetle awake when there’s anybody watching.

    C’Shaft: Didn’t we have this “plotline” just a few months ago? How many times does she need to visit her future gravesite? Is she worried they might have buried some of “those people” nearby or what? If I were Cranky, I’d tell her “Listen, you old bat, when you die I’m donating your dessicated husk to the local medical school, or if you really piss me off, the Jamaican grocery down on 7th. So shut your Mylanta hole, golf is on.”

    (WT)DT: No, not Evl Force, Magnum Force. Christ on a cracker! Can’t they even keep one lame character’s cliched name straight two weeks in a row?

    FC: Bil only spanks Jeffy during the commercial breaks? Now there’s a football fan.

    GA: That single eyeball popping out over the corner of the painting in panel 2 is creepin’ me out.

    thorps. After the game: Consolation. Under the bleachers: Copulation. Among the readers: Conniptions.

    H&J: Gee, Jamaal doesn’t usually gag when he swallows weiners with relish. Then again, they’re usually smaller.

    JP: Officer Thrusty McChest sure has a weird idea of foreplay.

    SFx: So he got his figures wrong. It’s still a brilliant invention. What IS Slylock’s damage, anyway? It’s thanks to buzzkills like him that the inhabitants of Woodstown or Animalburg or wherever the fuck they live aren’t zipping around with WeirdlyCorp jetpacks today.

    S-M: If they think Spidey has all the stolen clocks on him somewhere, I do NOT want to be him when it comes time for the search.

  398. John C Fremont
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    The Dude and Walter go on to the finals.

  399. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    SFx redux: Not to mention that Shady’s Kool-Kup would be perfect for beer. F’ing fox!!!

  400. Pastor Z
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    …and of course when Arthur and the knights of the round table get arrested.

  401. John C Fremont
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Alan Swann saves the day, and the studio audience goes wild.

  402. Little Guy
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Corrections:

    yLio yBaldo: Day of the Dead, where, if you’re a good little station security chief, a leggy sexy undead GROPOS will show up in your showing shower singing Emily Dickerson poems.

    Dang Images of Marie Marshall…..

  403. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Do you think the trombone Sarge is giving Beetle is a Rusty Trombone?

  404. tom
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    What’s the deal with Ziggy and toasters? Does anyone get today’s Ziggy or Fridays?

  405. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    You may have to wait for that Grover Cleveland/Benjamin Harrison slashfic. I’ve heard from Boojum’s attorneys. On top of that, Joss Whedon is claiming to be the sole creator and licensee of the “Benjamin Harrison” character. Quite a sticky wicket.

  406. Spunde
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    385: “What?” is one of my all-time favorite last lines. Hard to catch the reference in daily conversation, though.

  407. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    11/3

    Sunday SlyFox: The best argument against count weirdly is probably, “Come on. Look at this guy. Two hours in the tub? Really? Next he’ll claim he spent ten minutes brushing his teeth.”

    SFx today: The cats–who really have heard the fat cats joke enough to last their whole lives–aren’t too bothered. They were looking at Shady Shrew less as a “business partner” than as a “chew toy.”

    SM: He’s on the floor in a fetal position, handcuffed in a rubber suit. This is where Spidey needs to bite the bullet and tell the cops that he’s just an innocent bondage freak in over his head.

    6C: Desperate Housewives may have peaked, but drunk housewives will never go out of style.

    HtH: Maybe you guys better look for the not drowning pills.

    H&J: Jamaal is watching BBC America. BBC in this case stands for “Beef Byproducts Channel.”

    FW: No comment. No comment at all.

    GA: Slim’s motto: “I don’t know much about art, but I know how to be an asshole.”

    Shoe: The doctor’s look of alarm speaks volumes. “Where the hell did that punchline come from. It makes no sense. Am I in Zippy all of a sudden?”

    Ziggy: Ah, the virus that destroys the laws of physics. That’s a tricky one.

    Garfield: Yes, jealous of all the attention that a Margaret Keane painting gets.

    BB: Just made me think of Beetle and Sarge in combination with the phrase “rusty trombone.” Thanks a million, Greg Walker.

  408. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    #385 D’OF

    1. Thank you, and it’s nice to have you back.

    2. I did like the protective look on Steve Dallas’ face. If Breathed had earlier found a role for him other than douchey strawman conservative, things might have been different.

    3. I know Matthew Modine says it at the end of “Birdy” but that might not be what you’re thinking of.

  409. Angry Kem
    November 3rd, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man, go be the medieval Antichrist again.

    I am pissy. Someone stole my bike right in front of my face. I want to ravage some comics, but they are all too mindlessly idiotic to ravage. I shall instead ravage the new Comics.com site, which I hate and despise. How do I get to the goddamn comics? Why can’t I find any freaking bloody comics without googling the names of individual strips? Why must you people make everything so difficult? The Times Union has now also changed its format to make everything nice and inconvenient and to force you to click on the larger version of every Sunday comic if you don’t want the damn thing to look all squished. Bloody. Bloody. Internet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH A SIMPLE INTERFACE?

  410. True Fable
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    BB Leave out the “reveille” and you’ve got Sarge’s true intent.
    Cathy Must Die Oh good lord she’s discovered baking. Now we’ll have weeks and weeks of all the funny ways to discuss whole wheat flour vs. self-rising flour vs. all-purpose flour, and how all three of them sticks to her ribs and she still can’t figure out why. It’s because you eat and don’t exercise, you lazy ass!
    Curtis Pretty funny, actually.
    (WT)DT So Large Robot Dick can turn his head that way? Hell, I’m human and there are some days when I can’t do that much.
    FC “…but I don’t know why you have to wear them when you’ve got me over your lap to spank me. Oh, and Daddy? What’s a fetish?”
    Canadian Zombie Does she not know that baby animals pee, too? And that pee washes out? All she has to do is throw the fabric into the Ka-Floopa Squisha washer and wash her hands and arms with soap and water. Chill already, Elly.
    FW Okay: Sentimental or Squicky? Your call.
    JP Ahhh. Eduardo, you sure know how to draw for mass appeal. However, I’m still not sure why two good-looking people would want to get all dressed up just so they can go tromp around the scene of a suicide before they go out to eat. I knew Sam Driver was somewhat emotionally distance, but…damn.
    MT Okay, here we go! Off Sneaky goes to kick-start the latest chapter of Adorable Animals In Danger! Settle back, everyone, it’s going to be a bumpy month.
    Marmadick Geez, they even advertise that he eats people for fun.
    Marvin I hope to hell that’s the bottom of his foot in panel three.
    MW Why is Frank still calling Vera “Lynn”?
    MG&G Oh lord, I laughed out loud at today’s. What is Stanford smoking, that its mascot is still a fucking TREE?!?
    RMMW I had to stop at “Rex treats Ollie in the ambulance” and wheeze. But I must say, I like Rex with unruly hair much better than his slicked-down, I’m-Such-A-Prissy-Butt look. Can I get an Amen?
    Shoe “Another Pleasant Valley Sundaaaay…” I don’t know what she’s talking about.
    SFx Sly’s just pissed because he’s not getting a cut.
    S-M Now we know why Spidey gets away with what he does: the cops in his world are Stupid. Yes, he stole an antique clock and to prove it, he Tied Himself Up and knocked himself out at the scene of the crime! Holy shit; I write better stories when I’m fucking medicated out of my mind.

  411. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Momma: Francis just got slightly more interesting, as he is apparently looking at McCain and Obama in terms of nutritional content.

  412. UncleJeff
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    True Fable: Stanford’s mascot is a tree because the old mascot was a white guy with his skin dyed kind of orange-y so he would appear to be an Indian (which was the school’s sports teams’ name back in the early 1970s). Now, they are the Cardinal. Not the Cardinals as in the bird but Cardinal as in the shade of red used in their sports teams’ uniforms.
    There was a video of the Tree being arrested for being drunk in public at a football game. It’s very funny.
    I always loved the end of “The Maltese Falcon” (the movie) and was very disappointed to read “The Maltese Falcon” (the novel) and discover that the end of the book was not “The stuff that dreams are made of.”

  413. isrw
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Curtis may seem safely within its generic bounds today, making an election joke equally suited to 1948 — but in fact barbershop conehead comes out in favor of pagan magic. Merlin?

  414. isrw
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Um, is there perhaps a continuity error in today’s Spiderman?

    If all the clocks in the exhibit are gone….. and Spidey’s lying cuffed on the floor…. How do the security guards know what happened? Why, they saw footage of the…. No, wait, the clocks (which apparently kept all footage inside of them) are gone…..

    [Cognitive dissonance. Abort. Abort.]

  415. True Fable
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    The Cardinal? As in the College of Cardinals? No?

    Still – “My mascot is a HUE!” Go, mighty primary color! Go, fight, win!

    Our local college went from being the Braves to being the Wolves. Hey, I’m a Native American and I have no problem with sports teams being called “Braves”. It’s a hell of a lot better than “Subjugated and Given Smallpox”, you must admit. But I certainly have no problem with Wolves; have you seen those players EAT?! So very apropo!

    I think I’m really beginning to like Stanford’s mascot choices the more I think about it. It’s a little like saying I support Emory University’s football team but I’m being sincere on both counts.

  416. One-eyed Wolfdog
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    My favorite college mascot by far.

  417. Taeraresh
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    I’ll throw in another one for the poignant endings, from Neuromancer by William Gibson.
    There’s also an amazing opening to a chapter in Mona Lisa Overdrive, even though the book itself was kind of enh.

    “He spent the bulk of his Swiss account on a new pancreas
    and liver, the rest on a new Ono-Sendai and a ticket back to
    the Sprawl.
    He found work.
    He found a girl who called herself Michael.
    And one October night, punching himself past the scarlet tiers of the Eastern Seaboard Fission Authority, he saw three figures, tiny, impossible, who stood at the very edge of one of the vast steps of data. Small as they were, he could make out the boy’s grin, his pink gums, the glitter of the long gray eyes that had been Riviera’s. Linda still wore his jacket; she waved, as he passed. But the third figure, close behind her, arm across her shoulders, was himself.
    Somewhere, very close, the laugh that wasn’t laughter.
    He never saw Molly again.”

  418. One-eyed Wolfdog
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    (Oops! Last link was supposed to go here.)

  419. Islamorada Girl
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Dr. Shepherd did it, even though he narrated the entire mystery.

    Little Ceasar dies in a hail of gunfire.

    Cody screams “Top of the world, Ma!” and dies in a hail of gunfire.

    Jack Palance dies in a hail of gunfire.

    The German spy is pushed outside the barracks and dies in a hail of gunfire.

    Vivian Sternwood dies in a hail of gunfire.

    Bogey dies in a hail of gunfire. Leslie Howard gets Bette Davis.

  420. CanuckDownSouth
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    409-AK So sorry to hear that. I also agree that Spiderman does not compute.

    So my vote for the stupidest thing in S-M is that you just know the “missing security cameras” are a set up for “Spidey can’t clear his name”, despite the fact that in any big museum they’ll have real-time security cam observation, and therefore recording, in a central location – they don’t just leave cameras with tapes integrated, wait for someone to steal a painting, and then get the tape from the camera!

    Does anybody do that?! (OK, maybe that’s the small convenience store type of setup – but not the kind of place where there’s an alert that goes out to get security guards sent to a location)

    Cathy would make much more sense if it were a bread machine.

    (and more FOOBfic)

  421. Seismic-2
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Are Gunther the barber from Curtis and Jamaal the generic person from H&J in fact the same dude, or are they both just a couple of black guys who left their muu-muus behind in Dingburg? I suppose Gunther must watch a lot of “Little House on the Prairie”, to think that the nation’s problems could all be solved if only Merlin Olsen were in charge of things.

  422. Emily
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Dear Josh,

    You are a great. It’s cool when you get righteously dismayed at man’s internet subversion of man.

    Emily

  423. Kauri
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Uncle Jeff, the way I heard it from a 1970′s Stanford grad was that when the students were asked to vote for a mascot to replace the Indian, they voted overwhelmingly for “The Robber Barons”, which was a lovely tribute to the school’s founder. For some reason, the administration didn’t appreciate this suggestion, and so came up with “Trees” as an apparently preferable replacement. The Stanford band then had lots of fun ridiculing the new mascot.

  424. True Fable
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    #416 One-eyed Wolfdog – That thing’s got Win all over it! Does Slylock Fox run in the school paper? If not, why not?

    My daughter attended Emory’s Oxford College, so I’m a big fan of EU. Emory University football remains undefeated, and boy are those cheerleaders something else.

    However, I still wish that my friend’s kid Nan had made the squad.

  425. Mary Kay Commando
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox today has lured me out of lurking (in whimpering horror recently)!

    If I recall this one experiment from college lab correctly…doesn’t “superchilled” mean, actually, “chilled below freezing point”? You CAN get water down to below 32 Fahrenheit without it freezing, though if you disturb the test tube at all, the ice crystals spread out rapidly through the liquid. It’s really pretty.

  426. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    November 3rd, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    420 Canuck — I know you meant

    Cathy would make more sense if [the device mentioned in the last panel] were a bread machine”

    but I also like the interpretation

    Cathy would make more sense if [the entire strip itself] were a bread machine.”

  427. Mary Kay Commando
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Ending spoilers:
    The Ramsays finally go to the lighthouse.
    Sunnydale is a smoldering crater.
    Natasha married Pierre and gets fat.
    George & Martha never had a baby.
    Lady Audley’s first husband climbed out of the well.

    And I’d read “Clockwork Orange” maybe a dozen times before I found out (in a lit class, no less) that the edition I had omitted the final, weird, hopeful chapter. Embarassing!

  428. CanuckDownSouth
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    #425, don’t think “superchilled” is the English word; in French it’s “surfusion” and I think it’s “superfusion” in English. However, “superchilled” would be a good colloquial way to explain the state of matter.

  429. Anna Nimity
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Favorite last line: “Oh Auntie Em, there’s no place like home.”

  430. odinthor
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    #157. Me. Ack! I meant Charles Dickens, not Samuel L. Clemens! Well, they were very alike, you know. Frinstance, they both had, like, two ears and a nose an’ stuff. How’z a dude to tell the difernce?

  431. Ned Ryerson
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Favorite last line: “Reuben, Reuben!”

  432. Gallowglass
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Taft/Roosevelt? Man, that’s an image. I like my presidential slashfic to be a bit more obscure though. Harrison/Tyler, or the torrid love/hate affair between Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams.

  433. teenchy
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    Thanks Muffaroo and Angry Kem for your Steve Dallas responses. I agree on the point of making Opus readers go to the HSUS site for the finale but hey, if that’s how BB wants to raise support for his cause so be it. I see O’Donnell’s Mutts on New Jersey license plates all the time.

    The Taft/TR slashfic creeps me out but I wait patiently for the James Buchanan/Abraham Lincoln slashfic.

    Speaking of Gay Abe, I enjoyed that reference in last night’s Simpsons Treehouse of Horror ep. I also liked the “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” parody. It sparked an interesting conversation in my house, one I think would be worthy of the forums here if it hasn’t been already done:

    Was Peanuts the Funky Winkerbean of the 1960s?

    The more I think about it the more I’m inclined to say yes. This article by another well-known cartoonist would lead me to believe that as well.

  434. Anson Pants
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Clarence gets his wings.

    Harry Bailey proposes a toast to his brother George, the “richest man in town”.

    If you don’t get a lump in your throat at least the first time you see that, you are a Vulcan.

  435. Trixie Belden
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Here’s a good ending:

    So [said the doctor]. Now Vee may perhaps to begin. Yes?

    Any guesses?

    #175 NoVan & #185 Faraway – actually NoVan is on to something. One of the best ways to cook any squash, pumpkins included, is to just stick the whole thing in the oven on a baking sheet and roast it until it’s soft. You then take it out, cut open the now soft shell, and scoop out the nicely roasted insides.

  436. McJulie
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    #262 commodorejohn:
    it was clear that Berke had completely lost his knack for poking fun at both sides of an issue, which was one of the biggest strengths of Bloom County.

    While I agree with you that post-Bloom Breathed was only sporadically funny, I do not think classic Bloom County was as, er, bipartisan as you seem to recall.

    It was just funnier.

  437. Mary Kay Commando
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    I owe everything I know about 80s politics to Bloom County.
    “The wind doth taste of bittersweet/ Like jasper wine and sugar…”

  438. Trixie Belden
    November 3rd, 2008 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    A spoiler: the guy Lolita runs away with is the playwright, Clare Quilty.

  439. Gallowglass
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Ok here goes:

    The heat of the Malaysian jungle nothing compared to the sweaty loin-heat of Taft as he lumbered through the jungle following his beloved Teddy. They were hunting the elusive Orang Pendak ape man, but all Taft could think of was the feline grace with which the twenty-sixth President navigated the fetid Oriental swamp. The former Rough Rider turned and his be-moustached face crinkled into a grin as his eyes rested on his corpulent comrade.
    “Come along, old boy, we’re hot on the ape-man’s trail with not a moment to lose! Not to mention the zepplin waiting to take us hunting in Java! I love a good tiger shoot!” The former New York police commissioner’s voice was jovial and brash.
    “That’s not all we’re hot on, Mr. President,” Taft whispered huskily.
    “What was that old fellow?” Roosevelt had paused and turned to face Taft. Taft continued forward until the two men were only inches apart. He could smell woodsmake and bully-beef and the musky sweat of a turn-of-the-century man of action.
    “I said–”
    “Dad! Come on! I found some tracks up here, it looks like the elusive ape-man!”
    Both men turned to see Roosevelt’s son Kermit enter the clearing, his boyish face aglow with excitement for the hunt. Roosevelt bounded away from Taft towards the boy.
    “After him then,son. We must hurry if we are to prove that knave Darwin correct!” The father and son vanished into the trees together, leaving Taft standing alone in the clearing. He could almost see the wreckage of his seduction strewn on the jungle floor. Damn that Kermit! He ruins everything. Taft choked back hot tears. Finally he mastered himself and shouldered his pack.
    There was always Java.
    To be continued…

    There. I strove for both taste, and historical accuracy. Also to keep the vomit down.

  440. papa zita
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    377: The Sacramento Bee isn’t in tabloid format – they just narrowed the pages. Tabloid format is the format of the New York Sun or the Weekly World News. Some of the Bee’s inserts come in Tabloid format, like the TV listings, the Friday and Sunday entertainment sections, and the Saturday gardening section.

  441. Seismic-2
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    #425 Mary Kay Commando: video demo of super-chilled water Way cool!!!

    #435 Trixie Belden: Portnoy’s Complaint, right?

    The real murderer was the one-armed man.

  442. Poteet
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    # 435 Trixie — In case you ever see this, Portnoy’s Complaint. It amazes me that I can do that, because I’m a literary ignoramus.

    And since this is a necropost, I shall wander offf the path to ask what you do with roasted squash. I know it’s Good For Me, but it seems bland, and I haven’t found any way to jazz it up that doesn’t make it less Good For Me. I am fond of salt and sugar. Sigh.

  443. Poteet
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    # 442 — I was busy skimming earlier comments and did not see # 441 until after I posted. I swear.

  444. Gallowglass
    November 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Put some spices on it and mix it into a stir-fry. Still Good For You, but no longer bland and boring.

  445. CanuckDownSouth
    November 3rd, 2008 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    #442-poteet – Instead of a full roasting, I steam up cut pieces of the starchier/ sweeter squashes (delicata, butternut, kabocha[?], buttercup) and add them to Thai curry sauce – especially red Thai curry sauce. Or teriyaki-esque sauces. With other veggies / meat chunks. Serve with rice.

  446. Trolley Molly
    November 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Re Taft/Roosevelt slashfic, rule 34 applies.
    http://xkcd.com/305/

  447. Merriedeath
    November 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    #304, 318, and anyone else who mentioned Tumbleweeds after that (‘fraid I didn’t read to the end of the thread.)

    Thank you for mentioning one of my favorite childhood strips. I’m glad to know that it went out with dignity. Always dignity.

  448. Muffaroo
    November 3rd, 2008 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    UncleJeff @412 – The word is that Bogart suggested the line to the director. It’s actually a slight misquote on Shakespeare (see upthread).

    Anson Pants @434 – Yes, it’s a wonderful ending. That doesn’t keep me from getting a rude chuckle at the SNL “lost ending” of the movie. (“Why, he’s not even a real cripple!”)

    Seismic-2 @441 – David Janssen, interviewed around the time of the wrap-up episode, said he envisioned an ending where a surprise witness proved conclusively that Kimble’s wife was killed by a man with one arm. Vindicated at last, Kimble goes to a lush tropical island, removes his cork arm, and dives into the surf.

  449. anutt
    November 3rd, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    What!? Nobody remembers that other xkcd strip? http://xkcd.com/442/
    [look at the "weird pillow talk" panel]
    Also, in these trying times, it might also be a good idea to look at this *other* other xkcd strip: http://xkcd.com/291/

    I always turn to xkcd when I need spiritual guidance.

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