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Mostly violent Thursday

Mary Worth, 11/21/13

Mary Worth is being mugged in broad daylight in the middle of Central Park (THANKS A LOT DE BLASIO) and things probably aren’t going to end well … for the mugger. Mary starts off by shouting for help, to be polite, but by panel two her face suddenly bears a striking resemblance to movie tough guy Claude Akins, or perhaps to a majestic lowland gorilla; this transformation, combined with her outfit’s similarity to a karate gi, implies an imminent savage beatdown that our petty criminal won’t soon forget.

Momma, 11/21/13

If you ever need proof that Francis isn’t just a loathsome layabout, but a loathsome hipster layabout, look no further than his sports fandom. Following Ivy League football when you don’t actually attend an Ivy League school makes all those European soccer nerds who smugly tell you about how they illegally stream Bundesliga games online in the wee hours of the morning look like amateurs. And the Ivies are actually among the more normal pennants on display here! “Oh, your favorite team is Ohio State, huh?” he says. “Mine is NYU. They played their last collegiate football game in 1953. You’ve probably never heard of them.”

Family Circus, 11/21/13

This is also what Jeffy will someday tell the cops when they finally arrest him for that string of brutal stab-murders.

369 responses to “Mostly violent Thursday”

  1. Casey, Crime Photographer
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#y280): Slob. Definitely the soycumstance of bathing in dust instead of bubble bath water.

    Francis from “Momma” still takes the cake. And after he takes the cake, he smears icing on the upholstery and drops crumbs on the floor.

  2. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    On the bright side, Francis is rooting for a team with a 60-year undefeated streak.

  3. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    “My hand just got carried away with itself” is also what Jeffy will tell the cops when they arrest him in the adult theater.

    …And that’s enough internet for one day.

  4. Comics kid
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Luann: God what a selfish bitch. Not only does she refuse to spend time with family over the Holidays, but also wants nothing more then materlisric shopping and binge clubbing. God this Tiffany is exactly….,,,wait what? That’s our heroin? Oh then ummm…..inner beauty.

  5. Dennis Jimenez
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW – In the second panel, Mary looks like a geriatric Wolverine….

    Momma – My punchline – What schools – they’re Playboy, the Girls of, pictorials that I jack-off to….
    FC – Same thing Francis says….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  6. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW: She’s gonna chew his face off.

  7. Casey, Crime Photographer
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: In a few years, Jeffy will tell Thel his hand “got carried away with itself” when she catches him masturbating.

  8. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: While appreciate the action-packed turn of events, I’m apprehensive about what’s coming next. I’m scared that the Mary Worth team might not take this story in the best direction. This is a terrific opportunity for Mary to overpower her mugger, figure out what’s wrong with his life, and then send us on a series of seedy underworld meddling missions. Please don’t let this story arc pass us by!

    Family Circus: I’ll remind everyone that this is a family oriented comic. Please register possible remarks about a “hand getting carried away with itself” quietly to yourself and realize that not every joke needs to be said.

  9. Braniff
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    FC: Years later, the Keane Kompound, after being turned into a museum devoted to brainwashing of children and melonheads, has this work of “art” appraised. And little Jeffy, who along with his brothers and sisters, are in a permanent care facility for his abuse during his younger years, finds that his scrawls are more valuable than tho$e of Norman Rockwell or Andy Warhol.

  10. Government Cheese
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MW: Why do I have Nintendo Double Dragon music in my head while reading this? I guess this plot is worthy of an 8 bit action game.

  11. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Momma: Momma just noticed the pennants today? So this is the first time she’s darkened Francis’ bedroom door since, oh, high school or thereabouts.

    Don’t give up hope though, Momma. Why, a son like Francis could do anything, really … maybe even grow up to be Pope.

  12. nescio
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    FC: I’d like to imagine that “My hand got carried away with itself” was an excuse Bil used after savagely beating his child once in the ’60s. 50 years later the child uses it in a comic to trigger guilt, or preferably, a heart attack in his father.

  13. AhClem
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    JP – Judging from the angle of the spoon in the second panel, Abbey must be feeding the white glop to Sophie. “Here comes the airplane private jet…”

  14. Ratiocinator
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    9CL: Keep going for two more days, Brooke, I don’t think you’ve run this joke deep enough into the ground yet. Don’t stop until you reach the Earth’s core!

    ASM: Jameson can tear off the webbing?

    Really?

    Christ, one second…

    Okay, it took longer than I thought, but I found my copy of “The Saga Of The Alien Costume”, a trade paperback collecting issues #252-259 of Amazing Spider-Man. In one of those issues, he fights a villain named Jack O’ Lantern and snags the–*ahem*–”pogo platform” that Jack’s riding on. Here’s a transcript of what happens next:

    SPIDER-MAN: Did you know that my webbing could stop a speeding Cutlass Supreme in its tracks? Your pogo platform is strictly no contest!

    [The platform comes to an abrupt halt, sending Jack O' Lantern flying off to crash into a shelf full of stuff.]

    This webbing, for comparison’s sake, would probably not be able to stop a speeding tinfoil ball being batted around by a cat without breaking.

    Spidey’s done the “web up Jonah’s mouth” thing in the comics on a number of occasions when he’s lost patience with JJJ, and Jonah has to the best of my recollection never been able to just rip the webbing like that. It’s supposed to be able to restrain criminals (who aren’t superhumanly strong, at least) and keep them restrained, after all.

    Garfield: Adam Savage begs to differ, Jon.

    JP: “Isn’t it cool that they’re killing so many people–many of whom aren’t even affiliated with any enemies!–from the comfort of their desk chairs, in their offices? If I ever had to actually work for a living, I’d LOVE a job like that! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to press my open lips against a large glob of white stuff that can’t possibly fit in my mouth without me opening it further. Why? Because reasons!”

    Mutts: You’re asking for booze in a diner, Mooch? I think you may have a problem.

    RMMD: “Well Sarah, one thing we’re doing differently is risking our lives by willingly entering the domicile of a violent psychopath who shoots people in the head with nails if she gets angry, without the slightest idea as to what might set her off! See? Boring adult stuff! You’ll have much more fun here at home with Kelly.”

    Slylock: I recently saw a thing about declawing cats, and reasons not to do it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to list them or start a discussion about declawing, which I remember showing up in an article on Cracked called “6 Innocent-Sounding Topics That Are Guaranteed Flame Wars”. But one of the reasons given to not declaw cats in the thing I read recently was “Other cats will bully them.” So if you own a declawed cat, it’s probably best to take Weber’s advice here and keep it inside, unless you know for sure that letting it out isn’t gonna result in it getting into a fight with a cat that has claws.

    I also had a cat once that wound up getting attacked and killed by something. I don’t want a cat or any other animal to be unhappy if I can help it, and I get that they’re animals and that they want to run around outside and do what comes naturally. It’s just…yeah, sometimes outside just isn’t very safe.

    (Where you live plays a big part in this, I suppose. My old cat used to spend a lot of time outdoors and usually came back okay, with the worst thing that ever happened to him being a scratch from a fight with another cat that healed up fine eventually. It was only after some woods near where we lived got bulldozed that whatever animals had been living there took up residence in nearby backyards, and started looking at neighborhood pets as prey that he ran into whatever killed him. On the other hand, my aunt lives in a fairly undeveloped part of Connecticut and told about a time when cougars or mountain lions or some other type of big cats were in the area and had gone after pets there.)

  15. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: <Gasp> THAT’S NO COW.

  16. Ratiocinator
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#14): Aw crap, forgot to preview again. Sorry everybody.

  17. Mibbitmaker
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    FC: Jeffy is basically a movie riffed on by MST3K in season 1! (minus the disembodiment….yet!)

    Momma: “Yeah, Francis?! Well, you’re drawn that way, so there!”

    MW:
    That’s telling him! (sarcasm over her dialogue in p2)
    That’s telling him! (sincere, based on her expression, which actually matches his!)

    MW: Curly, looking at p2 Mary: “Ngah-ah-ah-ah…!!!”

  18. Mr. Yezpitelok
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Momma: That futon looks more like a puke-on.

  19. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”Oh, Cranky, why haven’t any of us killed you yet. Is it because at the critical point in the story when we have to deal with your death a new story will start and you’ll be alive and well again.”

    Spiderman-Use super strength to lift a chair one handed while Jameson is sitting in it? There is no one in Marvel that strong enough except for Spiderman.

    A3G-”We keep on talking about your father while he continues to die in the next room.”

    FC-At least it’s not blood.

    Gil Thorp-This just completes the Coach’s twisted view of the world that everyone plays sports.

    Gil Thorp-”Shanghaied is such an ugly word. I prefer drafted.”

    Love Is-Yesterday it was a construction worker. Today it is a cowboy. Will tomorrow be a cop?

    Love Is-As big as a ten gallon hat but he has no gentiles.

    Archie-No matter how many times you point to it, Archie, Veronica will not sit on your face.

    MT-”Now? But I never got a chance to burn the forest down.”

    MW-Sorry, Mary, but you are in Central Park. New Yorkers don’t go in there for fear of muggers like this guy.

    JP-I know, Sam. It’s not like there are devices that can allow us to talk anywhere or do anything over vast distances. I’m still wondering how the Judge’s book became a bestseller five minutes after he jumped off the building.

    RMMD-”I try to go home with another man in a vain effort to leave you and June.”

    Sally Forth-Ted would invoke a Biblical act on the baby but that is a daughter and not a son.

  20. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#14): “My hand got carried away with itself” is what Jeffy says when he takes over 9 Chickweed Lane…

  21. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    9CL – After three days, I think we have pretty much played out the comic potential of “men lapse into a catatonic state upon learning that Edda has changed out of her bikini”. But, that doesn’t mean we have to end this arc!

    Friday – Amos passes out and faceplants on the sidewalk when he learns that Edda is not wearing a g-string!

    Saturday – A store clerk is admitted to the ER after he surmises that Edda is unlikely to be wearing men’s fruit-of-the-loom briefs!

    Sunday – Solange

    Monday – Sven runs into his closet and commits auto-erotic suicide when he realizes that, wherever she is, Edda is unlikely to be wearing control-top panties!

    Tuesday – Seth converts to the other side, again, when he realizes that Edda is wearing leather pants, and is thus not wearing assless chaps!

    Wednesday – The CNFA agents burst into Brooke’s garrett and drag him off, while he screams “wait! wait! I’m just getting started!”

  22. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Braniff (#9): “Jeffy, this here is Hal Willis, a lawyer friend of mine.”

  23. Ratiocinator
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#3): That was also where my mind went…

  24. Esther Blodgett
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    If somebody could please do a mashup of Jeffy’s hand getting carried away with itself and Mary Worth yelling “Leave me alone, you jerk!” I’m sure we would all appreciate it, kthx.

  25. Ratiocinator
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#20): I guess that’s a prerequisite for doing that particular strip.

  26. Dr. Mabuse
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I tell ya’s, Rocco, Blackie. . . I had the purse in my hand and was about to give one last pull, but then she says ‘Leave me alone,’ and I don’t have to tell you mugs, we gotta respect that, it’s our code. But then she adds, “. . . you jerk.’ Well, I ain’t gonna take that kind of language from nobody. This was in Central Park, remember. Kids can hear. So I killed her.”

  27. Q0906+6930
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Well the shark, it has its teeth,
    And it wears them in its face,
    But young Jeffy has his jack-knife,
    That he keeps in a less obvious place.

    On the sidewalk, there’s a dotted line,
    Leads you to Billy’s body oozing life,
    Who’s that sneaking ’round the corner,
    “Not Me,” says Jeff the Knife.

    Dolly dear, she disappeared,
    After some brotherly row and strife,
    Who might have harmed her, Jeffy dear boy?
    “Ida Know,” says Jeff the Knife.

  28. DAS
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    this transformation, combined with her outfit’s similarity to a karate gi, implies an imminent savage beatdown that our petty criminal won’t soon forget.

    Mary Worth has a “salmon square belt” in karate. It’s a couple levels beyond a blackbelt. Karate masters may be able to slice through bricks with an open hand. Those with salmon square belts, OTOH, have demonstrated an ability to break bricks through the sheer power of meddling.

  29. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    MW-My god just look at the expression on that guy’s face. So that is what happens when you drink big sodas. No wonder why Bloomberg wanted to ban them.

  30. S. Stout
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#8):

    Do your young kids read this webpage? This isn’t the funnies, people can post whatever they want here.

  31. Arabella
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    MW: My God, that is the face of Pure Evil! And the mugger is pretty scary too.

    FW: I’ll give this credit for realistic dialogue. However, even thirty-five years ago hospital birthing rooms had a more home-like setting.

  32. Clint Brawny
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    From the look on Thel’s face, I think her hand is about to get carried away on Jeffy’s face (or backside).

  33. Darren
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    This Mary Worth story will turn out to be the origin of Granny Goodness, memorably voiced by Ed Asner in Superman: The Animated Series. I look forward to seeing her buy a cape and fight the Justice League.

  34. DAS
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#23): Mine too. I just presumed that the actual version of this event was Jeff getting caught masturbating, and he finally figured out how to work it into a comic.

  35. Baka Gaijin
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Look at the punum on that bitch. Mary’s proving she can out-ugly even the ugliest mugger with the ugliest mug in New York City.

  36. Baka Gaijin
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Does the UCMJ cover senior enlisted trying to fuck a cow?

  37. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    If my understanding of der Amerikanisch idiom is correct, is Mary Worthless basically saying, “Unhand me, thou masturbator!”?

  38. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Josh: “Mine is NYU. They played their last collegiate football game in 1953. You’ve probably never heard of them.”

    I had to check. You are right. NYU dropped out in 1953. And, their team was named the Violets!
    Where can I get one of those banners like Francis has?

    // This is inspirational! I don’t follow football, but I live in a state that is football mad. The next time someone asks me about the Crimson Tide, or Auburn, I’ll claim to be an NYU Violets fan. Where can I get one of those banners like Francis has? Go Violets! Rah Rah Rah!

  39. Baka Gaijin
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Marty, this is no time to act coy and make cow eyes at Dr. Awesome.

  40. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#30): Yes, my children, Attyson, Katniss, Harvest, and Sketch all read this blog. I’m not ready to explain to them, from a parent’s perspective, all the facts about cartoon masturbation.

  41. Baka Gaijin
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: Since when has newspaper Spiderman had the proportional strength of an ant?

    Blondie: Wins the “Best Use of Meta” Award for this week.

    Family Circus: In about 15 years, Jeffy will be really popular once he advertises on Craigslist that he “lets his hand get carried away with itself.”

    Pluggers: Pluggers are too stupid to realize that cars nowadays come with air conditioning as a standard no extra cost item.

  42. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    9 CL: OK!!! We get it! Edda isn’t wearing her bikini bottoms! We’ll talk, Brooke, just end it now!

    Beetle: Cows got upper anterior teeth!

    Luann: Who’s the Designated Selfish Bitch in this strip again?

  43. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Mutts: Is at the apex of minimalist excellence today. Every line, every kink in each curve was laid down for a purpose. Nice.

  44. Maltmasher
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MW- over the past three days that mugger has transformed from an almost goofy childlike grin to this rictus last experienced during Bilbo’s ring flashback in the first LOTR film. there can only be one explaination- demonic posession.
    Unfortunatley he’s attacked one of the few people in New York who regularly carries exorcism materials in her purse. This guys going back to the 7th plane lickity split!

  45. margo!boxcar!saturn!
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Ah c’mon, Josh, he has Cornell* up there! Maybe he’s a fan of gorge-related suicides as well as football.

    *someone’s alma mater, I believe?

  46. Baka Gaijin
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Hazel: A broccoli-and-beer fart will clear a room too.

    Curtis: SPECIAL TO CURTIS: “Cutesy eyes” is not a good look for you.

    Slylock Fox: Mr. Weber, this strip might be more persuasive if the indoor kitty had a big smile on its face whilst the others outside were grimacing or frowning.

  47. Johnny Knuckles
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Any day that starts with a Claude Akins reference will be a good day. If it isn’t, you can punch it in the throat.

  48. Ned Ryerson
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    MW: I like a good Mary Worth/lowland gorilla comparison.

  49. Marc
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#35): He’s been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

  50. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-The cows are taking revenge on all their fellow cows that have been killed and made into hamburgers to feed Sarge.

    Blondie-A question that I’ve been asking myself for years.

  51. King Folderol
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Momma: When I was a child I used to think that Francis was an awful guy who had no interest in joining the real world and was just a lazy piece of crap. But now that I’m an adult and know more about the dwindling opportunities for 20-somethings in the marketplace and the general uselessness that we have for non-college educated people in our society, I kind of feel bad for Francis. There’s clearly no place for him in our adult world, and I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to rush out and get a shitty job at McDonalds or Wal-Mart that’s not going to pay the bills anyway. As our society’s values and viewpoints have shifted, I wonder if Mell Lazarus has ever thought about evolving with the times and making Francis a little more sympathetic. Is it possible, Mr. Lazarus, that Francis hasn’t failed Momma, but that we – as a society at large – have failed Francis?

  52. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19): Love Is-As big as a ten gallon hat but he has no gentiles.

    Funny. He doesn’t look Jewish.

  53. Arabella
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#38): As a native of that fair state, I’ll say you are probably cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

  54. Doctor Handsome
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Momma appeals equally to red and blue state voters: not at all. Postsecondary education and contact sports are apparently both alien concepts to this creepy unamerican shitshow.

  55. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Lio: *snurk*

    Doons: it would be funny if it wasn’t true.

    SBp: annoyance embiggened. (semi-amusing concept, at least.)

    Bizarro: AAAIIIEEE!!!

    Blondie: guest-starring Josh minus the facial hair.

    JP: photoshop, GO!

    Pluggers: almost but not totally impossible a decade back. Probably not any easier today.

    RMMD: Sarah, not as smart as Ruthie from OBH on certain things.

  56. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .not minding the “no cattle” part.

  57. Carbunicle
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Q0906+6930 (#27):
    Oh, yeah!

  58. word-doctor
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Bravo for the Claude Aiken reference. But she’s no cuddly Sheriff Lobo.

  59. TheDiva
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    FC: “Jeffy, honey, you know what Scripture says we should do when our hand causes us to sin….”

    MW: Even though she’s being mugged in broad daylight, the most anger Mary can muster up is “you jerk!” like someone just pushed ahead of her in line.

    Alas, this can only end one of two ways: 1) Mary somehow connects with the wayward soul and sends him on his way to Promise Haven, and Mary and Shelly get all smug about how much better they have made his life, or 2) the mugger gets away, and Mary and Shelly reflect on how it’s a pity he isn’t in Promise Haven so they can make his life better and generally act all smug about how morally superior they are. But hey, this part is fun while it lasts.

  60. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#52):

    That is supposed to be genitals.

  61. Pozzo
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Actually, Mary’s resemblance in panel two to John Marley in “The Godfather” is kind of eerie. Somebody’s ending up with a horse’s head in their bed!

  62. Nate-o
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    That’s also what Jeffy will say in about ten years when his mom accidentally walks in on him masturbating.

  63. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#40): You are kidding, right? Of course you are. You had me going there.

    // Anyway, even if you aren’t, (ha ha, good one) now you have to explain that comment, “…from a parent’s perspective, all the facts about cartoon masturbation.”

    // May the Sainted Dingo smile on our endeavors. Well, can’t hang around here all morning. Let’s go see what’s happening on 4chan. @Liam (#60):

  64. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19): As big as a ten gallon hat but he has no gentiles.

    What makes you think he’s a gentleman?

  65. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#60): Good heavens, man! Children are reading this blog! Whiskey tango foxtrot!

  66. Dood
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    If Mary’s being played today by Claude Akins, where’s Frank Converse as Sonny? And where the hell’s the rig parked? Shit, we gotta reefer-load of purses to unload, 10-4!

  67. Tom Allen
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    You know, dye her hair brown and change her outfit and Mary bears a striking resemblance to that mugger. Maybe it’s some sort of Spock/evil-Spock alternate universe story line?

    Also, I was going to make a joke along the lines of, “You’ve seen Mary Worth. Now see Mary wroth.” But then I discovered there actually *was* a Mary Wroth: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Mary_Wroth , a Renaissance poet of James I’s England.

    “Mary Wroth was a radical in her time merely for writing a work intended for public consumption. For the time, the act of composing a novel by a woman violated the ideals of female virtue.”

  68. TT
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m surprised Mary didn’t get away when the mugger changed out of his blue pants.

  69. Doctor Handsome
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or is Mary getting physically larger as she gets more agitated, Hulk-style?

  70. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @Arabella (#53): As a native of that fair state, I’ll say you are probably cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

    No, I’m probably fairly safe, unless I get the NYU car flags. That would be a red violet flag.

  71. jim, some guy in iowa
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#69): “don’t make me angry. you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”

    “well, I don’t like you *now*, you meddling biddy!”

  72. Shrug: "You are Mr. Elk, and I claim the ten pounds prize"
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y255):

    “MW: First the perp was Alfred E. Neuman, then he was Sweeney Todd, and now, with apologies to Margaret Hamilton, he’s a very bad pasty version of The Wicked Witch Of The West. At least the guy’s got some range — directors take note.”

    You don’t suppose Formerly Wounded Elk has gotten a *really* good makeup artist this time, and . . .?

    (It’s called “acting!”)

  73. Lassie
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21):

    Thank you!

    In the real world, isn’t it 12 year old boys exclusively that are madly panting with lust over the idea of a woman not wearing underpants? Or is this a world-wide common fantasy including all ages?

  74. Everything Is Better with Monkeys
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Luann – I’ve figured it out. Selfish shallow girl in makeup = slut bitch. Selfish shallow girl without makeup = inner beauty.

  75. Doctor Handsome
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    “I couldn’t help it. I saw that 80% of the panel was a blank, piss-colored wall, so I added some background detail. You’re welcome.”

  76. mojo
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MW: Ya know, for an often painfully instructional strip, thus far Mary has done just about everything WRONG if she wishes to survive the attack with a minimum of injury. OTOH, if her attacker proves to be a wayward youth who just needs a wee bit o’ Promise-Havening, well, I’ll buy a hat just so’s I can eat it.

  77. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#66): After Frank Converse retired from acting, he went into the business of making sneakers.

  78. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

  79. Shrug, Wondering If the Major League Comics Trade Deadline is Coming Up Soon
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#y270):

    “Why is Mark carrying the canoes instead of floating them? He’s Mark Trail, damn it, he can do whatever he wants!”

    Next time, Mark should leave Andy at home and take Heathcliff instead. Cat can “float” the canoes home by sheer willpower, water or none.

  80. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19): “Yesterday it was a construction worker. Today it is a cowboy. Will tomorrow be a cop?”

    Tomorrow’s forecast is for hot, wet ‘n’ sticky!

  81. Coy Shrug
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    9CL: As it happens, *I’m* not wearing Edda’s bikini bottom either.

    So, are all my fellow ‘mudgeons now sitting around in trances, glassy-eyed?

    //Well, it was worth a try.

  82. Q0906+6930
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#69): Perhaps Mary’s maiden name is Reilly… perhaps her grandmother of the same name emigrated from England after a scandalous liaison with her employer, a medical scientist studying the darkness that dwells within is all… perhaps Mary forces a cheerful disposition wherever she goes because she’s got something to Hyde.

  83. Master Softheart
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    JP: Because there is no logical difference between the plausibility of a multi-billion dollar National Security Program firing drone-mounted Hellfire missiles at suspected terrorists in active war zones from remote locations and a 13 year old cheerleader maneuvering a recon satellite by making a phone call to a “translator” vacationing on a cruise ship. Sometimes, Sam, I swear you forget what strip you’re notionally a protagonist in.

    PHANTOM! Wait, they have color photographs of WWI? And these guys took casual snapshots in the trenches? I can handle the phantom Aeronaut, the stumblingly post-colonial orientalist ridiculousness of the Phantom himself, and even the Village People Assassin Squad, but my suspension of disbelief has its limits.

    MW: If it weren’t for his expression of manic glee, which forces me to conclude that he is actually just doing this for kicks, man, I would say this mugger must be fairly desperate. Sure elderly women might be a comparatively easy mark for theft, but the return is unlikely to be worth it (no, that was not a pun). For the average elderly but spry woman, you’re going to end up with what? Some adult undergarments, loose change, pictures of grandchildren, and maybe one credit card with “ASK FOR PHOTO ID” scrawled on the back in lieu of a signature? On the odds, you might as well rob a Plugger; as good an expected haul and if anything goes wrong you can at least call animal control.

    RM:MD: “Sarah, when you’re older I promise we can talk about wife-swapping.” Of course, by then you will realize that ignorance is bliss.

    SF: I think that we may be reaching Ted’s mental load limit. I’ve seen a schizophrenic break and “Tyler Durden” in his future for quite some time, now.

    Slylock: Speaking of which, I think we need Heathcliff to step in and organize these ruffians.

    9CL: It’s true, if men generally weren’t constantly blocking their conscious minds from the unholy knowledge that women are in fact naked under their several layers of autumn clothes, we would sit around like this all the time. I implore you not to t abuse your newly gained knowledge of this secret, ladies.

  84. Doctor Handsome
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    How many times has Thel heard that exact sentence, going through life with those incredible sweater cows of hers?

  85. WLP
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    “Leave me alone, you jerk!” Oh, Mary Worth, you are truly our greatest wordsmith.

  86. Steve
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Momma: Momma thinks that the pennants are triangular diplomas.

  87. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#65):

    I don’t make a comic strip where two ‘children’ are running around naked all the time. I just comment on it.

  88. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#63): I think it’d go a little something like this. “Ok kids, listen. You know how there are boy cartoons and girl cartoons? When they get older they start to explore their cartoon bodies. It is wicked and shameful. If I ever catch any of you kids doing this, you’re going back in the Timeout Box.”

  89. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @WLP (#85): That’s actually a quote from Camus’ “L’Étranger” — said by Meursault, just before he shot the Arab.

  90. Shrug, Channelling the old Steve Allen "Question Man" schtick
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19):

    Answer: “Love Is-As big as a ten gallon hat but he has no gentiles.”

    Question: “So, wasn’t that new ecumenical synagogue supposed to be more spacious — is that thing really big enough for the expected crowds?”

  91. TheDiva
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    9CL: Hey, I’m not wearing any bikini bottoms right now! I’m going to go whisper that in the ears of nerdy guys and make them pay for food and stuff!

    C’shaft: Whoever she is, she looks quite cheerful in spite of having to serve Crankshaft. I’m sure it won’t last.

    FW: Welcome to the L&D wing at Westview General–a bleak, miserable room with pitch black walls, outdated medical equipment, and a cramped little cot you’re in perpetual danger of falling out of. The perfect place to start life in the Funkyverse.

    GT: I didn’t know you could be press-ganged into organized sports.

    Luann: Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

    MT: How exactly does Mark Trail teach its readers to love and appreciate nature? Every time someone wanders more than a half-mile from the nearest paved road, there’s a forest fire or a plane crash or a pack of WOLVES! or a suicide elk….

    Pibgorn: And of course Friar Laurence is a sour, long-faced and bad-tempered old coot, because Brooke McEldowney has issues about his Catholic upbringing to work out and that’s more important than character development.

    Pluggers go out of their way to make their own lives miserable.

    SM: We are talking about a universe where mutants are a recognized minority, to say nothing of aliens, gods, and other supernaturally-gifted types, right? Even if you exclude the ones who are obviously the wrong body type like the Thing, there’s probably still quite a few people who could pull this off.

  92. mojo
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Then again, maybe Promise Haven is just a front for a modern-day Fagin and his merry band of pickpockets. This attack is really just a distraction; Mary will now be overrun by a wave of seemingly solicitous young boys wearing Promise Haven t-shirts helping her up and asking her “Are you okay, lady?” while methodically going through her pockets.

  93. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Ripley’s: That’s “Somme” coincidence.

    Love is… Where are the assless chaps?

  94. Kevin on Earth
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark rubs it in by moonwalking across the bridge with Doc on his back…”See? It really iisn’t all THAT slippery now is it?”

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Coy Shrug (#81):

    If there were world enough, and time,
    This coyness, Shrug, would be no crime.
    A blog’s a fine and public place,
    But none, I think, there do embrace.

  96. Shrug, Being a Bit of a Jerk as Well
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @WLP (#85):

    Camus said it first.

  97. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-Jameson, give him the brick test. If that is the real Spiderman he’ll be helpless before the power of the almighty brick.

  98. Doctor Handsome
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    C’mon, who doesn’t have seven favorite football teams?

  99. Shrug: "Oh, NO, he isn't..."
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    BEATLE BAILEY: Sarge fails his tryouts for the Camp Swampy traditional panto production of Jack and the Beanstalk, and is ushered offstage by the bit part player who doubles as bouncer.

    Beatle still has hopes of becoming Principal Dame, though.

  100. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#89): Oh, right. I remember. Laisse-moi, connard!

  101. seismic-2
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#38): Yes, the NYU Violets’ football program began to deteriorate after a crushing loss to the more energetic Brandeis Ultraviolets. After that, NYU scheduled tough opponents less and less frequently, until they were finally crushed by the Hofstra Infrareds. After that, they dropped out of sight entirely.

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#91): I’m not wearing any bikini bottoms right now! I’m going to go whisper that in the ears of nerdy guys and make them pay for food and stuff!

    Ooh la la!

    // I’ve got some leftover turducken, and cranberry sauce…

  103. Anonymous
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#30): yes, especially sarcastic commentary that may be misinterpertated.

  104. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    GT—
    “The best thing to break a slump…”
    “Is a young, winless opponent.”
    “Hey, you finished my thought. Who taught you that phrase?”
    “Coach Sandusky.”

  105. Beetle Bumstead
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Momma: Francis knows that the Ivy League is just a pact to play bad football. Just like living with his mother is an excuse for not cleaning his room.

  106. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#46): Hazel: A broccoli-and-beer fart will clear a room too.

    Mr. B: “They laughed when I sat down at the piano, but when I started to play…”

    Hazel: “…the room cleared out!”

  107. GWB
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#103): I know how it feels. Not only was I misunderestimated, I was often misinterpertated too.

  108. Not Worth It
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: I like this arc. I’ve learned so much from it! Apparently, you’re not allowed to say “underpants” on the comics page.

  109. Jim in Wisc.
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Crankenschäft: Wait until this sad and hateful old fool finds out that he has to go to the counter for a refill … and that he has to pay full price for it.

    Rapey Cancerstrokebean: Yeah, shut up Durwood! Yer wife is about to give birth to a bouncing baby tumor.

    Blandie: All Dagwood does is write (or “work on”) contracts. So that would suggest that he has a law degree. Because, in my experience, it’s attorneys who write contracts.

    Sex Organ: Rexie and Junie are into adult evenings that involve things like whips and chains and “safety words.”

  110. Mibbitmaker
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Mash-up of a scene from Chuck Jones’s Dover Boys cartoon with today’s comics:

    MW, panel 1: “Unhand her, Dan Backslide!”
    MW, panel 2: “Unhand her, Dan Backslide!”
    9CL: “Say, we’re getting in a rut!”

  111. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth will subdue the miscreant with her deadly t’ai chi skills, which she honed in that desert resort recently.

  112. Brad
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Has Mary worth gone back in time? The styles on display in today’s comic look straight out of the 1970s, which would also help explain the broad daylight Central Park mugging. And if what I remember seeing in self-defense books from that era is right, Mary’s lining herself up for a devastating groin kick in panel one. Just how effective this attack will be depends on whether or not her attacker is a modern-era man, or a woman from the 70s… it kind of hard to tell.

  113. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: Besides, it hurts whenever Loretta uses a Vulcan death grip on Leroy’s love handles.

  114. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Love Is-like a rhinestone cowboy

  115. Gary
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    The caption to today’s Family Circus will also work well when Mom Keane discovers a 14-year old Jeffy holed up in the bathroom standing by the sink with his pants down around his ankles and his iPad opened to RedTube.

  116. Mibbitmaker
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    FW: The “Shut up!” part of the last panel with the soon-to-be-mother should be inserted into any Brooke McEldowney comic, especially one where Thorax drones on and on.

    H&L: They’re floating in a most peculiar way…

    JP: Why aren’t these people our Overlords by now… or ARE they???

    MT: Panel 2: Cherry Trail in 3-D!!!

    RMMD: “Well…. sex. But This is about adult violence, so no go, Kokomo.”

  117. Kevin on Earth
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m going to guess Mary will be saved by Dr. Promise Haven, another Promise Haven resident/alum or the flying monkeys she can summon by thought.

  118. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Wait until Harriet gets home and finds the cat wearing her bra and panties.

  119. Dennis Jimenez
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#114): Love is, a special friend who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch….

  120. bats :[
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

  121. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#77): After Frank Converse retired from acting, he went into the business of making sneakers.

    Actually, it was the success of his sneaker business that convinced him to retire from acting. So it was the converse.

  122. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#104): yeah, that’s the direction my snarkthoughts went as well.

  123. Dennis Jimenez
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#110): It’s times like these that separate the purse snatchers from the snatch pursers….

  124. TheDiva
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#116): Hell, Jess doesn’t even need to leave her own continuity. Just have her yell “SHUT UP!” every time Les Moore or Crankshaft open their mouths, and the world will be a much happier place.

  125. the good ship thetis
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Speaking as an NYU alumna, I remember a lot of jokes about the lameness of our school nickname. The only collegiate sport we were involved in that I was aware of at the time was fencing. I believe we had a rather good fencing team. We could fence the hell out of anyone in Greenwich Village.

  126. DOlz
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21): @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21):

    “Wednesday – The CNFA agents burst into Brooke’s garrett and drag him off, while he screams “wait! wait! I’m just getting started!”

    And we all cheer!

  127. walt d.
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Momma: “We want to build a university that the football team will be proud of.” –long forgotten president/chancellor of the Univ. of Oklahoma.

    RMMD: “I don’t care if I’m only five. I insist upon sitting at the big people’s table.”

    RMMD: “One of the reasons for an adults only party is that we get a break from having to pretend that a five year old sociopath is a functioning adult.”

    RMMD: A child who looks forward earnestly to becoming an adult is preferable to one who wishes to remain a baby (and certainly rarer), but Sarah takes it way too far. She believes that she IS an adult.

  128. DOlz
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#40):

    I hope you’re kidding and trolling us. If not then it is your job not ours to protect your children from adult conversation.

  129. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @walt d. (#127): “We want to build a university of which the football team can be proud.”
    George Lynn Cross, University of Oklahoma President; to the Oklahoma state
    legislature.

    He was, actually, joking. // Or so it is reported.

  130. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Oh, kids these days! Once they reach that certain age, it’s all “Ijustwannaask, I justwannaknow…”

  131. Aphthakid
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    9CL: You know, I keep thinking each strip is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read, then he manages to top it the next day!

    MW: She gave him the chance to run away, but now it’s clear: Mary Worth must open the 50 gallon drum of prune-flavored whoop ass.

    BC: After seeing this joke three times now, someone really should let the people at Hartco Enterprises know that snowflakes are now actually sharp. It’s not like shurikens are falling from the sky.

  132. Amos Snarkadder, D.H.R.
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#120): Hahaha! Damn! That Worth woman is scary!

    MW It turns out that Mary’s assailant is Dr. Melton Schmutz, one of Promise Haven’s not-so-much-a-success stories.

    FW Ah, at last Jess says something halfway intelligent.

    A3G “Your dad has a tumor pressing on his brain. There’s not room for both in his skull, so we’ll either have to remove the tumor or his brain. It’s your decision, but honestly you’ll both be better off the tumor.”

  133. DOlz
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    MW – Look at the poor mugger’s face in the second panel. This was once a happy family man with a loving wife, a good job, and 2.5 children (who weren’t allowed to read this blog). Then one day at lunch he ate an orange salmon pattie and his soul was stolen and replaced with a demon. Then came the fateful day when he came near Mary and sensed his soul along with many others in her purse. His last shred of humanity rose up, took control of his body and he began his desperate battle to regain his soul and the life he once knew.

  134. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#131): re BC: maybe there’s a talented water bender off panel?

  135. Sequitur
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125):

    I believe we had a rather good fencing team. We could fence the hell out of anyone in Greenwich Village.

    Pretty cool. College competition devoted to dealing in stolen goods.

  136. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135): It’s like Debate Team’s become. Doesn’t matter any more the quality of the goods or how much you score for ‘em. Only thing that counts is how fast you can unload ‘em.

  137. greghousesgf
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#43): and yet, it’s still not funny.

  138. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @DOlz (#128): “my children, Attyson, Katniss, Harvest, and Sketch all read this blog

    This has to be trolling. Nobody spells Attyson with two “t”s anymore!

    RMMD: “I don’t think Heather would want you to be alone tonight”

    Rex, deferring to Heather’s opinion is what got you into this mess in the first place. You can’t let another adult who doesn’t share parental responsibility start whispering into the kid’s ear. “You are smarter than them, you don’t need to listen to what they say!”, “You are so grown up, you don’t need a babysitter, your parents are just crazy!”. Based on her closed-lidded smile whenever dealing with Sawah, Heather is taking some very powerful hallucinogens and should not be allowed to insert her judgement in place of that of the parents.

    “It doesn’t matter what Heather says, she is not your father or your mother, and your father and mother both believe that you need a babysitter and that you need to listen to what she tells you while she is here.”

  139. bats :[
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    I’d like to think that healthy collaboration is possible between cartoonist.
    Failing that…

  140. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#136): It’s like Debate Team’s become.

    Become? It’s been like that since at least the 1980s. “The spread” isn’t just for football offenses. We used to have a disadvantage we would run called “South
    Pacific Unity”. Whatever minor tweak to our foreign policy was being advocated by the other team would have an adverse effect on movement toward South Pacific unity, and, according to the World Marxist Review, South Pacific unity was the key movement that would bring about universal nuclear disarmament.

    It took about 20 seconds to read this argument, but the great thing was that it was so out of (literally) left field, and so badly constructed, that people would devote as many as two minutes (out of a five minute speech) to demolishing it. After which, we would drop the argument and focus on all the things they couldn’t cover while they were righteously destroying South Pacific Unity.

  141. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y284):

    Do have your cats neutered. Don’t have them declawed: it’s cruel, and leaves them defenseless. If your furniture is so important to you that you can’t bear a cat scratching on it, don’t have a cat. Enjoy your pristine furniture instead.

    I totally agree with you, but I’ll add that our dogs have done FAR MORE damage to our house and it’s contents in the first few months that we had them than our cats ever did in the previous three years!

    // They’re still pretty lovable though!

  142. Stroker Ace
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Love Is … Lili Von Shtupp.

  143. Joe Blevins
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    FC: Thel is dressed as Ned Flanders today, and it’s curiously arousing. Perhaps Jeffy, in his usual state of obliviousness, has interrupted Ma & Pa Keane’s erotic Simpsons-based cosplay. D’oh, indeed.

    MOMMA: Notice that Francis did not specify American football. It is my guess that he has reinvented himself as a soccer hooligan in order to justify his obviously out-of-control drinking.

  144. tb4000
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    RMMD: “We secretly plot to get rid of you in a “boating accident.” But perhaps I’ve said too little.”

  145. Poteet
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    SLYLOCK: I suspect Mr. Weber will get some grief for this strip, and I admire his courage. I might amend his advice to say “or at the very least, keep your cats on your own property.” If I wanted cats roaming on my land, I’d let my own cats run loose.

  146. Joe Btfsplk
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Thel and Bil must have been pretty hung-over when they assembled their kid-bots this morning. They gave Jeffy P.J.’s left arm, got his torso backwards, gave up looking for the neck, and just balanced his head precariously atop his shoulders. He’s just lucky they got all the family pets put together first.

  147. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    FC: Matthew 5:30 — And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away.

    So, when is Thel going to bring out the meat cleaver on Jeffy?

  148. Aphthakid
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125): Later they moved to Vegas and got a TV show. It’s called “Pawn Stars.”

  149. Poteet
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug: “You are Mr. Elk, and I claim the ten pounds prize” (#72): Hmmm. An interesting idea that would take a mind-boggling amount of makeup.

    It seems to me that there is a male actor who looks a lot like the perp, but I cannot for the life of me think of his name. Just the face, though — the hair *shudder* is another matter.

  150. DownInTheValley
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: Panel two reminds me of “War of the Gargantuas.” If Russ Tamblyn steps in in tomorrow’s strip, my life will be semi-complete.

  151. Aphthakid
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#143): If Thel is cosplaying at Ned Flanders, is Bill Sr. dressed up as Marge?

  152. Poteet
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: Oh, the suspense. Will Aunt Vicki turn out to be a character who is bearable, or even likeable? Wait, this is LUANN. Forget the suspense. She’ll be awful.

  153. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MW – “Leave me alone, you jerk!”

    Oh, man, I have GOT to find some way to work this phrase into my conversation today! Preferably while I am at work.

  154. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#138): Well I hope you monsters are all happy. My kids all burst into tears and I had to have a long discussion with each of them. They wanted to know why everyone here was mad at their daddy and then that led to questions about why the Family Circus cartoon would be masturbating. (Attyssenn couldn’t even say the word right, kept saying “mapster station,” aaaaadorable.)

    All this led to more questions and then a lot, A LOT, of questions about Japanese tentacles. So, you guys were right, I should be the one to tell them about these things and teach them about the world. I’m proud of my lil troopers!

  155. Poteet
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’d suggest that Mary use her magic third leg to kick the perp in the groin. I assume she has a magic third leg because I can’t figure out any other way that she could have managed to not fall after the position we saw her in yesterday.

  156. Shrug, Reflecting on the Fallen Mighty
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    @Brad (#112):

    “Just how effective this attack will be depends on whether or not her attacker is a modern-era man, or a woman from the 70s… it kind of hard to tell.”

    I suppose Mary’s attacker *could* be Bella Abzug, who went to the bad after she lost her hat and the sun baked her brain.

  157. Amos Snarkadder, D.H.R.
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, D.H.R. (#132): ugh… do-overs… (I even previewed):

    A3G “Your dad has a tumor pressing on his brain. There’s not room for both in his skull, so we’ll either have to remove the tumor or his brain. It’s your decision, but honestly you’ll both be better off with the tumor.”

  158. Poteet
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s hair has been moving for three days in a row. Perhaps it is real hair after all. I’m not ready for this.

  159. Cleve Barrister
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    MW-Guess Dawn was right after all

  160. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Crank: This is what happens when you spend most of your life as an illiterate hubritic jackass.

    FW: “Push, Dead Lisa Lisa Lisa, PUSH!! …..CANCER!!”

    Luann: “It’s just that I don’t like it when she tries to stick her curling iron up my ass, mom.”

    MW: Is that supposed to be a man or a woman?

    RMMD: Panel 3 is wrong. Her eyes should be glowing red with anger…..the sinister, evil veil of energy around her turning to seething rage…

  161. Amos Snarkadder, D.H.R.
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#152):

    LUANN: Oh, the suspense. Will Aunt Vicki turn out to be a character who is bearable, or even likeable? Wait, this is LUANN. Forget the suspense. She’ll be awful.

    If she’s Nancy deGroot’s sister (or aunt, for that matter), need we say more?

  162. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Stroker Ace (#142): it’s twooooooooo!

  163. Amos Snarkadder, D.H.R.
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#158):

    MW: Mary’s hair has been moving for three days in a row. Perhaps it is real hair after all. I’m not ready for this.

    Or, perhaps… Medusa?

  164. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

  165. Cleve Barrister
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    MW II- For Mary, it would be more in character to be saying something like “Unhand me you rapscallion you!”
    Can’t wait to see how she “finds the beauty” in this beat-down

  166. seismic-2
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#153):
    “Leave me alone, you jerk!”
    [buzz]
    “What was Jean-Paul Sartre’s reply to Albert Camus’ review of L’affaire Chambers, Alex?”

  167. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Alternate names for RMMD:

    Sarah Morgan, Uber-Child Prodigy
    The Adventures of Sarah’s Book Deal
    Rex Morgan, Sex Organ
    June Morgan, Perky Titties (mmrrowwr!)
    Sarah’s Book Deal, B.S.
    Two Babysitters For Sister Sarah
    The Curse of Sarah’s Book Deal
    The Portrayal of Sarah Morgan, Dumber Than Francoise Caine
    The Courtship of Sarah’s Book Deal
    The Sarah Morgan Show
    Of Book Deals and Doctor’s Daughters
    Sarah Morgan, Sinister Spymaster

  168. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    Momma— Is there no end to Momma’s sabotage of her son’s aspirations? Here she is criticizing Francis’ stalwart attempt to win the pennant race.

  169. Shrug, Making Stooge-like "NYUuucck, NYUuucck" Noises
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135):
    (We could fence the hell out of anyone in Greenwich Village.)
    “Pretty cool. College competition devoted to dealing in stolen goods.”

    The Clean Cut Kids Gang from the mountains of NewEnglandiStan in that MARK TRAIL arc three or four years ago all hope to go to NYU some day too. They were only into the stealing things so as to beef up the “life experience” part of their college applications.

    Though, given the scruffy stubble and sour expression on the face of Francis in MAMA, I suspect the “NYU” pennant on his wall stands for Northern Yemen University, where he hopes to minor in International Terrorism (his major, of course, will be Sloth, a bit of a hard combo to pull off).

  170. bats :[
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth was kung fu fighting
    Her purse was fast as lightning
    In fact it was a little unsettling
    ‘Cause she fought with expert meddling

    She’s a funky old crone from funky Charterstone
    She was punching him up as Gollum/Alfred E. Neuman/Sweeney Todd was shoving her down
    It’s an ancient meddling art and the mugger didn’t know his part
    But from a feint into a slip, there goes Mary’s hip…

  171. Q0906+6930
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#158): Just think how fast she must be moving for the shellac to shatter like that — we’re talking bullet-time fast. Now just imagine what she can accomplish in a few short minutes if she meddles this sorry mofo at this rate.

  172. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#154): @Poteet (#155): MW: I’d suggest that Mary use her magic third leg to kick the perp in the groin.

    Great. Now Chareth is going to have to explain to little Hahvest about magic third legs and groins. And we haven’t even started deconstructing 9CL yet!

    Really, when you can’t trust comics like “Mary Worth” or “Family Circus” to avoid bringing up offensive subject matter, then what kind of world is it we live in!!?

  173. Johnny Q
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    In tomorrow’s episode the mugger says “You shouldn’t have called me a jerk!” and beats Mary Worth unconscious. When she comes to after running up a big hospital bill, she says “I shouldn’t have called him a jerk.”

  174. Braniff
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#40): Try sharing them worn copies of Highlights for Children or showing them reruns of Here’s Lucy or The Lawrence Welk Show instead of exposing them to new ideas which run the risk of stimulating their intellect.

  175. Odie Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#148): Later they moved to Vegas and got a TV show. It’s called “Pawn Stars.”

    Is “Prawn Stars” the show about large swimming crustaceans?

  176. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#141): our dogs have done FAR MORE damage…

    Oh, YES. Got a Siberian Husky mix from a shelter two years ago. Rescued a starving Border Collie pup from our alley six months ago. We can’t have anything nice anymore.

    // Worth it, tho. Nice is over-rated.
    // They get along with the cats fine.

  177. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#154): Aww! That’s great. What they call a teachable moment, I think.

    // Hey, speaking of tentacles, did the kids see that thing on 4chan this morning? And everybody though Goatse Boy had retired!

  178. saluki
    November 21st, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    Momma: The pennants on the wall distracted me for moment but then I wondered why Momma is wandering in to Francis’ apartment while he lies in bed with crap stewn all over the floor and Jeffy style scrawling on his walls. The only answer can be that he is just coming out of a Hunter Thomsonesqe blackout and has been out of commission for the better part of a week.

  179. AhClem
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125): By any chance was the coach of the NYU fencing team named “No Cents” Frank?

    [Aside: My dad played football for NYU in the late 1930s, the same time Vince Lombardi was at Fordham. To his dying day, my dad hated the Green Bay Packers with a passion.]

  180. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#154): Oh. I guess then I shouldn’t send your kids my special mixtape of half the songs on the first Devo album?

  181. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#154) said: “Well I hope you monsters are all happy. My kids all burst into tears and I had to have a long discussion with each of them. They wanted to know why everyone here was mad at their daddy and then that led to questions about why the Family Circus cartoon would be masturbating. (Attyssenn couldn’t even say the word right, kept saying “mapster station,” aaaaadorable.)”

    It’s good that you’re having this discussion with your kids. So many parents these days abdicate their responsibilities in this area. Now you will have to take this discussion to a whole new level, because when you’re dealing with CC posts, you not only must explain the concept of masturbation, but you must explain the more advanced concept of furious masturbation. Good luck!

  182. Esther Blodgett
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    Seems like a lot of people are misinterpertating the comments today. Grow some gentiles and leave me alone, you jerk. Also, SHUT UP! And Go NYU!

  183. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#30): @Chareth Cutestory (#8): Chareth Cutestory and I join to form the Comics Curmudgeon Decency League, aka the “HEY!”s office. Please, everyone, less sex and violence.

  184. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @DAS (#34): “Look at the p—- on that b—-” See, this is exactly what I’m talking about.
    //Courtesy of the ‘HEY!’s Office.

  185. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#184): Should have been a reply to Baka on #35. I was so upset by the sex and violence that my hand got carried away with itself.

  186. Quäsenbö Pan
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Momma: Um, guys? I’m pretty sure Francis has been whoring himself out to college football teams for their post-game drunken orgies. Judging from some of those banners, he’s apparently pretty high-rent, too. (I miss Dingo).

  187. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#43): “every kink in each curve was laid down for a purpose. ” – you’re talking about Mutts or 9CL?

  188. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#183): I give today’s comments section a rating of XXXX Not Suitable for Tiny Ears

  189. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Maltmasher (#44): “This guys going back to the 7th plane lickity split!” – I’m sure Chareth Cutestory will join me in expressing displeasure at such a vulgar expression.
    //’HEY!’s Office.

  190. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    It’s a difficult job, but someone’s got to do it. It’s not a popularity contest here, after all.
    //Is it?

  191. Shrug
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#174):

    I’m amazed at the number of people here who seem to be taking seriously Chareth Cutestory’s obvious sarcastosnark, tongue-and-typing-finger-in-cheek, posting.

    As Formerly Wounded Elk might say, “It’s called acting!”

  192. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

  193. Sequitur
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#183):

    What’s wrong with sax and violins? Oh, wait…

  194. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

  195. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#191): tongue-and-typing-finger-in-cheek, posting

    That’s very difficult to do. I’m sure even Mavis Beacon would find that a challenge.

  196. Casino LF
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Coy Shrug (#81): I read your bikini bottom at the time you posted and just woke up. WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT TIME IS IT?

  197. Joshua
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Momma: What puzzles me is why Francis would want to support so many different football teams, three of which are conference rivals of each other, two of which are each other’s biggest rival. You don’t see too many people with, say, an Alabama, an Auburn, and a Mississippi State pennant on their walls.

  198. the good ship thetis
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    I would just like to note that I was looking at the NY Times’ interactive feature today which allows you to look through their Kennedy-assassination coverage from 1963. On the sports page, Sunday November 24, 1963, the headline reads “Loyola of Chicago, NYU, picked to lead in college basketball.”

    Here’s the link, but it may not work because of the paywall.
    http://apps.beta620.nytimes.com/john-f-kennedy-assassination-coverage/issue.html?hp

  199. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @DOlz (#128): It is the job of every red-blooded American ‘Mudgeon, plus Raghead, to protect children from adult conversation. What do you want, a boatload of Sarah Morgans?
    //Your job is to protect us all from humor. Apparently.

  200. Joshua
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#129): He didn’t need to have been joking. The comment makes sense as something he might say literally — that they already had a great football team, and he wanted to make the rest of the university great too.

  201. Mikey
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    MW- And here I thought Eddie Money was doing well on his latest tour…

  202. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#193): Because sax and violins was how Brooke got started. (Oh, and a piano.)

  203. walt d.
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#129) According to the Internet, he said this back in 1951. He was asking the legislature for more money to improve the University, and some old codger asked about the prospects of the team. So the remark was in jest, but with an edge. Apparently the remark resurfaced in the national media in 1989, and was taken, at least by me, as something the then current president said.

    People have been arguing over the proper place of football on college campuses since the nineteenth century. And the arguments, pro and con, are pretty much the same now as then.

    So which college president (if anyone) said this: “My job is to provide football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty.”

  204. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#8):

    “Family Circus: I’ll remind everyone that this is a family oriented comic. Please register possible remarks about a “hand getting carried away with itself” quietly to yourself and realize that not every joke needs to be said.”

    Soooooo, I can’t even write:

    “Not Me wants to know how to spell REDRUM, Mommy? He won’t stop making me scribble until he knows!”

    Drag. Curse you, Stephen King! Curse you for setting up a joke that “Family Circus set up even further on this day in the 21st Century! Now my hands are tied! As a gesticulating joker, I don’t know what to do?

    Oh. To have the freedom of Jeffy; to be possessed by the spirit of mischief! No accountability just unfair parenting which punishes instead of hires exorcists!

  205. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#203): Heh. I like the great Eugene McCarthy quote:

    “Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.”
    “Washington Post” (12 November 1967)

  206. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#204): Your proposed comment on today’s FC is acceptable under the HEY!s Code of Decency.

  207. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    See!(?)

    The curses are limiting what I can do with proper punctuation. My answers become questions and my statements don’t know! where? they are coming from, Rats:

    Rats.
    Rats.
    Rats.
    //a proofreading my help but WHO’s Got Time for Such Luxuries?!

  208. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office (#206):

    Whew!
    Just under the wire!

  209. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#203): Clark Kerr, Chancellor of the University of California.

  210. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#205): That was some great football – Army/Navy, Army/McCarthy…

  211. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#209): I’m not sure how he provided sex for all those students. He must have been a very great man.

  212. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#210): It was the other political McCarthy, Joe, who had the big fight with Army. Good, hard-hitting entertainment, though.

  213. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#212): I was making a funny.

  214. Borborygmy
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#211): The job proved too much for one man. Eventually, the Chancellor was tasked merely with providing football for the allumni, and parking spaces for the faculty. A Vice-Chancellor was appointed to provide sex for the students.

  215. Écureuil Écumant
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: As the Furry Freak Brothers used to avow, “Weed gets you through times of no money better than money gets you through times of no weed…”

  216. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#213): I kinda figured, but I’m a hidebound literalist by nature. Sorry for infantalizing you.

  217. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: I could have gone a long time without seeing Crazy-Train Willem Dafoe fighting Claude Akins in a pink pantsuit, but it would have been much less fun.

    Luann: People are commenting on how horrible Luann is here, but think about Mrs. Luann’s Mom. Could she and her fat pantload of a husband be less supportive and interested in Luann’s college search?

    “She could have gone to a better school, but we didn’t want to bother. We would’ve missed that rerun of The Big Bang Theory!”

  218. Clark Kerr
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#211): I’m not sure how he provided sex for all those students. He must have been a very great man.

    Hello, students. I’m Clark Kerr, Chancellor of the University. I’m here to provide you with sex. Please form a line, and remove your clothes.

  219. Cloudbuster
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#14): Spidey’s done the “web up Jonah’s mouth” thing in the comics on a number of occasions when he’s lost patience with JJJ, and Jonah has to the best of my recollection never been able to just rip the webbing like that.

    The obvious explanation is that JJJ is an imposter!

  220. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#216): Well, you have no way of knowing I’m not an ignoramus. No offense taken.

  221. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    MW-Poor Mary. She’s in one of the most populous cities in the world in a park where people are in there everyday and she had to pick the one day to walk through the park that everyone in New York City decided to stay out of.

  222. Attyson Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#40): Yes, my children, Attyson, Katniss, Harvest, and Sketch all read this blog. I’m not ready to explain to them, from a parent’s perspective, all the facts about cartoon masturbation.

    Chareth, what’s masturbation?

  223. Dorothy Parker
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Clark Kerr (#218): If all the students at the University of California were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

  224. bunivasal
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Nayru jacket, turtle neck, hook nose, mugger. Is Mary being mugged by an anti-Semitic anthropomorphization of 1975 New York?

  225. Attyson Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Dorothy Parker (#223): They call that “freshmen orientation.”

  226. Droopy Says
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#83): Yes, there were color photos taken during the Great War. Now if anyone wants to see them, I’ll post the link, but let me warn you that this site opens onto a picture of a dead, naked victim of mustard gas. It’s an autochrome picture. The text has a link. “250 color pictures from the Great War.” Some of the pictures are hand-tinted, but others are authentic color images.

    http://www.greatwar.nl/

    As for the doughboy picture in Phantom, American soldiers and Marines took photos in the trenches, but they were all black and white. And you don’t see that cheerful kind of pose at the front. You also don’t see pictures of Americans with stubble. Everyone shaved every day, no matter what, because if you didn’t, the gas mask wouldn’t seal properly. (French soldiers used a different type of gas mask from our Small-Box-Respirator derived mask, so they could get along with beards.)

  227. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#220): …you have no way of knowing I’m not an ignoramus…

    On the other hand, he has read your posts, you know…

    // So obviously you are NOT an ignoramus, I mean, right. Not at all, not at all.

  228. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#227): But I could be lying about not being an ignoramus.

  229. Mark B.
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    That’s not how a purse snatching happens, Mary. Either the guy would have a knife to slice the strap or he would have slipped it off her shoulder before she noticed anything. By the time she was aware of anything happening, the crook would be running off and disappearing into the crowd.

  230. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    FC – I like that he wrote “Weffy” above the Insane Clown Cat Head.

    Jeffy is sure to be a Juggalo before commiting those murders.

  231. Chareth Cutestory
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @Attyson Cutestory (#222): Its what happens when a person is very furious with a couch cushion, but in a good way.

  232. Mr. Yezpitelok
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @King Folderol (#51): I think you’re reading too much into today’s Momma.

    As far as “his” pennants go, they were already on the wall when Francis started squatting in a condemned apartment building on the UWS. And Momma’s son is too lazy and/or strung out to take them down.

  233. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

  234. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#231): Very nice. You are an example to us all.

  235. Cloudbuster
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#230): If I had the skills, Jeffy all done up in ICP makeup would be fantastic!

  236. Cloudbuster
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#229): Thanks for your professional opinion, Mark!

    // Note to purse-carrying Curmudgeons: hide your purses from Mark B. at any face-to-face gatherings!

  237. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#8):
    Do you recall several years ago when a murderer (I can’t recall exactly) either escaped jail or escaped the courthouse after a shooting spree? He broke into a lady’s home and she calmed him down, made him pancakes (really! “With real butter!” he said), and she read to him from “The Purpose-Driven Life.”
    He was helping her hang curtains in her new apt. when the cops came, and he surrendered peacefully.
    Either she was a true “natural helper” (Social worker lingo) or she was one of the luckiest people on this planet. Maybe a bit of both…empathy and serendipity make a nice couple…

  238. Illustrator Steve
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    MT – “HOW will we find our way home, Mark?”

    “Just click your heels together three times and follow the yellow log bridge!”

  239. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#228): Oh, no. This is one of those ancient Greek paradoxes, isn’t it? You meet two people. One is not ignorant, but always tells lies. The other is so ignorant, that although she means to tell the truth, everything she says is false. You must tell one from the other, or be eaten by a griffin, or something.

  240. Mark B.
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#236): True story: I used to live in Manhattan. Not the one in Kansas. Anyway, one day I was walking along canal street and felt something brush up against me. I instinctively reached back and ended up grabbing the arm of a guy who had his hand in my back pocket. Luckily he released my wallet, and quickly wriggled free. I tried to chase him for a bit, but he was a wiry little kid and I couldn’t catch him. I don’t carry my wallet in my back pocket any more when I visit the big city.

  241. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#228):
    *Head explodes*
    I like philosophy and the Greeks and such, but man…it’s like Zen Koans at times

  242. Illustrator Steve
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    MT – Fortunately for Cherry she brought along her portable solar powered dry cleaning machine which did a great job of cleaning her vintage 1947 hat and turtle neck sweater after she fell in the stagnant swamp water!

  243. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#240):
    Oh, me either. And as much as I love Yew Nork (thanks Lowell), I always keep my valuables verrrrry close. My Dad was actually mugged once, and pickpocketed on a bus another time – he confronted the guys on the bus, huge dudes, and it’s a good thing he didn’t get assaulted. He was sad to lose some family photos, the most important thing.
    He learned a good trick afterward – put a thick rubber band or two around your wallet before you place it in your pocket – you’ll most certainly get some resistance from the rubber, and can then cold-cock your neighborhood mugger (my Dad was a pacifist, so he never got to do that).

  244. Mr. Yezpitelok
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Grin and Bear It: She has a portrait of Spook from the Wizard of Id. I wonder if she’s his “hair apparent”?

  245. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#239): just watch Labyrinth. . . .

  246. The RIdger
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125):

    Speaking as an NYU alumna, I remember a lot of jokes about the lameness of our school nickname.

    My father attended Sidney Lanier High in Montgomery. They were the Poets.

  247. Illustrator Steve
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    MT – “That old fool will just slow us down, Cherry. Maybe we should take this opportunity to give him that Viking funeral he’s always wanted! Tell you what … I’ll get Doc in the canoe and set it adrift in the water and you, since you’re so good with starting fires, can get the flaming arrows ready for me to shoot at it!”

    “But, Mark, WHERE will I ever find a bow?”

    “Right here, Cherry, yer lookin’ at him … I’m your ‘beau’! Remember?”

  248. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#237): I do remember that. It was in Atlanta, maybe five, six years ago. I was working there at the time. He somehow overpowered a bailiff, took her gun, and shot his way out of the courthouse where he was standing trial for killing someone else. He killed the judge, a bailiff or two, and some bystanders. Got clean away, for awhile. A nasty case.

    There was a minor scandal at the time, reported in the papers there, and on television, because several of the officers guarding the court were evidently too obese to pursue the guy. They ran a few hundred feet, and fell to the ground clutching their chests. It was originally thought that they had been wounded; it turned out they were merely winded. As a result of this scandal, physical fitness requirements were instituted for court bailiffs in Georgia for the first time.

    // I’m a peaceable guy, but if someone attempted to read Purpose Driven Life to me, I would develop murderous thoughts myself.

  249. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#247):
    This is beginning to remind me of poor Harold (was that his name?) from
    Stephen King’s The Stand.

  250. Mark B.
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#243): Zippers or buttons on pockets are a good deterrent, too. It makes you look like a nerd, but I’m pretty much doomed to that anyway.

  251. kanomi
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mary is in New York City. Mary is getting mugged.
    Where is the Amazing Spider-Man? The Amazing Spider-Man usually blunders by chance into every superhero in New York City. Mary Worth like Mark Trail is a superhero. So why isn’t the Amazing Spider-Man helping Mary Worth?

    My fear is turning to rage.

  252. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#248):
    Wow. Just wow.
    Yeah, I’m not into religious self-helpy books and such myself. I bake my own cake and I think it’s come out pretty well.

    I know, I’ve seen police foot-chases on TV over the years and many of the officers were not in particularly good shape. They have to be near military-sharp in mind and body.

  253. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @The RIdger (#246): They still are Poets!

    The Poets have quite a distuinguished allumni list.

    ♫ Dear Lanier,
    though fleeting time,
    may bear us far away from thee,
    forever in thy hallowed halls,
    each heart will dwell in loyalty.
    Faithful to the Blue and White,
    we will be.
    And before thy Shrine of Knowledge,
    we will kneel, to thee.
    Lanier! ♫

  254. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man
    Spider Man
    Usually sitting on his can

    Changing channels on TV,
    Not looking out for you or me.

    Yep, that’s the amazing Spider Man!

  255. Mr. Yezpitelok
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Moose and Molly: “And they all lived together in a little crooked house.”

    Mary Worth: Jon Pertwee’s Doctor is about to unleash some Venusian Aikido on the pusher/mugger.

  256. Matt Beardface
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    It’s a good thing Mary wrote down all of her credit card information! Looks like that Toby phishing scam storyline from three years ago will finially pay off.

  257. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”Oh then I’ll talk slower to her.”

  258. Failure Artist
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    #21. Comment of the Week!

    Maybe Brooke has blackouts whenever someone talks about underwear and he thinks that’s normal?

  259. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @kanomi (#251):

    Spiderman is busy proving that he is the real deal to Jameson.

  260. Dennis Jimenez
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#259): If you mean Jenna Jameson, he’s got his work cut out for him….

  261. Northernlurker (overreacting as usual)
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: Careful Mary. He doesn’t want your purse. He wants to take what you refuse to give to Dr Jeff Cory.

  262. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125): @The RIdger (#246):

    I’ve always been partial to the University of Pennsylvania’s football mascot – the Fighting Quakers! If we can get over our identity crisis by halftime – look out!!

  263. Shrug, Who At Last Shows He Has No Decency
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#213):

    ” I was making a funny.”

    I assumed your “Army/McCarthy” reference was some sort of red herring, true.

    // Oh wait — Joe spelled it “Red hearing.”

  264. Shrug, Remembering College Freshmen He Has Known
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Clark Kerr (#218):

    “Hello, students. I’m Clark Kerr, Chancellor of the University. I’m here to provide you with sex. Please form a line, and remove your clothes.”

    “Even my high-school letter jacket? I never take off my high-school letter jacket.”
    “Uhh, do we have to take notes? Will this be on the final?”
    “I got an STD excuse from my doctor…so I’ve tested out of it.”
    “Can we take it pass-fail?”
    “But if we take off our clothes, how will we be able to tell which are the boys and which are the girls?”

  265. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#241): My whole life is like a zen coan.

  266. Merv Griffin
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#239):

    “You must tell one from the other, or be eaten by a griffin, or something.”

    No more for me, please, I’m trying to cut down.

  267. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#245): I love that movie. You, sir, remind me of the babe.

  268. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Who At Last Shows He Has No Decency (#263): Good one!
    //Do you know the difference between a pixie and a fairy? (Brooke McE does!)

  269. Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Aren’t we having a nice blog chat now? Clean and peaceful.

  270. seismic-2
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#250): Zippers or buttons on pockets are a good deterrent, too.

    More zippers, mule!

  271. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#252): I know, I’ve seen police foot-chases on TV over the years and many of the officers were not in particularly good shape. They have to be near military-sharp in mind and body.

    That was part of the scandal. The local sheriff’s departments and city police had regular physical fitness tests. Court bailiffs did not. In the normal course of things, bailiffs are normally just escorting prisoners from holding cells to the court room and back. So if you were a fatty who wanted to be a cop of some kind, and couldn’t get past the physical fitness test of the street cops, or you couldn’t pass the academic requirements, memorizing a bunch of laws, and you couldn’t solve crimes because of minimal ratiocinative capacity, well, you applied to be a bailiff.
    The courts did not pay as nearly as much as the regular police, so they pretty much had to accept anyone who didn’t have a criminal record, and could pass a drug test.

  272. Alison
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: So I guess Quill gets to spend the holidays with Gunther. I’m sure Quill finds it was really worth it to come live with his girlfriend in the USA, as she has seem him, what, a whopping two or three times? One of which was when he was at work and she wanted him to make her some food. I’m not saying they have to be glued to each other, but you’d think after he came this far, they’d at least spend the holidays together.

    “Mary Worth”: Oh my Lord, Mary has turned into a man in panel 2! And she called someone a “jerk”! This is awesome!

    Personally, though, I think Mary should let the mugger take her purse. Because, it would be a real change for her to wander around NY without cash or credit cards. And it’s not healthy to resist change!

    “Rex Morgan”: “Sarah, shut up and go draw some more horsies” should be the motto of this household.

  273. Horace Broon
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Dot is clearly horrified by the idea of “Go Fish for grown-ups”, as though the only thing getting her through childhood has been the thought that eventually she’ll be an adult and no longer expected to (shudder) play.

    HtH: Public Service Announcement: Don’t litter or you’ll be hacked to peices by Vikings.

    Pluggers: My first thought was “Pluggers will happily ‘economise’ by paying extra to have the air conditioning taken out of a car because reasons”. My second was that since Pluggers, as clearly established in countless past panels, don’t buy new cars at all, this one’s just amusing himself by trolling the salesman.

    RMMD “Nothing, Sarah,” sighs June sadly, “Absolutely nothing.”

  274. Snark Twain
    November 21st, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Maybe this is because I’ve recently watched The Dirty Dozen but — to me — Mary Worth has Charles Bronson’s face with Lee Marvin’s gorgeous white hair. That is a deadly combination. Plus, she seems to have Telly Savalas’ ability to scream. Basically, what I’m saying is … watch The Dirty Dozen again.

  275. Peanut Gallery
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#19):

    Love Is-Yesterday it was a construction worker. Today it is a cowboy. Will tomorrow be a cop?

    Yes. And the day after tomorrow, an Ass Marine.

  276. AhClem
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#221):

    …she had to pick the one day to walk through the park that everyone in New York City decided to stay out of…

    Coincidence? I think not. If I knew Mary was walking through a nearby park, I’d stay the hell away from it, too.

  277. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Failure Artist (#258): Maybe Brooke has blackouts whenever someone talks about underwear…

    Oh, that’s pretty normal. In the military, during hand-to-hand combat training, we were taught to shout, “Underpants!”, when attacking an opponent. About fifty percent of the time, that was enough to disable the enemy.

    // Of course, that was only if the enemy spoke English. It is always good to learn the word for underpants in the parts of the world you were deployed to.

  278. Peanut Gallery
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    JP – Why has Sophie’s face been gradually morphing into a completely different character this week?

  279. Dale
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#69):

    MARY WORTH

    I think Mary has been consistently drawn larger than the mugger.
    He seems like the type who would actually bring only a knife to a gunfight.

  280. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#267): You, sir, remind me of the babe.

    That little pig was so cute! “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.”

  281. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD-”We experience this strange emotion called happiness. We are happy when you aren’t with us.”

  282. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Snark Twain (#274):

    “Maybe this is because I’ve recently watched The Dirty Dozen but — to me — Mary Worth has Charles Bronson’s face with Lee Marvin’s gorgeous white hair. That is a deadly combination. Plus, she seems to have Telly Savalas’ ability to scream. Basically, what I’m saying is … watch The Dirty Dozen again.”

    Yes, Snark Twain, lord dark master! Your wish is my command!

  283. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#270):
    And, button hooks!
    And those Norwegian long buttons as a bonus

  284. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#277):
    “Les bobettes!” (At least for women)
    Such a pretty word, no?

  285. Congo Bill Bailey
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Northernlurker (overreacting as usual) (#261): I don’t mind seeing Mary knocked down. But knocked up? That’s a different kettle of fish.

  286. Congo Bill Bailey
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#255):

    Mary Worth: Jon Pertwee’s Doctor is about to unleash some Venusian Aikido on the pusher/mugger.

    Captain Yates was never the same after UNIT booted him out.

  287. "Oh no they didn't kill Shrug, the bastards"
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#277):

    I think you’ve finally found the missing part 2!!! :

    1. Shout ‘underpants.”
    2. Attack the enemy
    3. Profit!

    Are you sure you’re not part Gnome? If you have any Underpants Gnome blood in you at all, you ought to be able to get elected King, easily.

  288. Lumaca Morente
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#284): ‘Les bobettes’ – Sounds like something Cayla would say, probably as a complaint.

  289. Congo Bill Bailey
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#284): “Les baguettes” is what Cayla calls her husband’s private parts.

  290. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @”Oh no they didn’t kill Shrug, the bastards” (#287):
    At least there’s a phase two here!

  291. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#289):
    More like a breadstick, I would think.
    ; )

  292. Obadiah Odo
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#289):

    The Pillsbury Doughboy’s baguettes are far less likely to cause cancer than Les Moore’s baguettes.

  293. yaoi huntress earth
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: I bet Jon Arbuckle reads this comic just to make himself feel macho by default.

  294. Ratiocinator
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#37): I think the insult “jerk” actually did originally mean somebody who masturbated all the time, but eventually people just started calling each other jerks without knowing that. As for me, I went through a lot of my life hearing people called “jerks” before I ever heard the term “jerk off”.

    Also, if you ever watch a tv show or movie from the seventies or earlier and somebody says “You’re a jerk!”, it was a very different insult back then. Today it means “You’re a mean person!”, whereas back then it meant “You’re a stupid person!”

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#42):

    We’ll talk, Brooke, just end it now!

    But Brooke hasn’t even asked us any questions. It’s like he’s just torturing us all so that somebody on the other side of the galaxy will feel our collective pain and race to save us, only to get caught in some trap he’s set, or something.

    @Baka Gaijin (#46):

    Mr. Weber, this strip might be more persuasive if the indoor kitty had a big smile on its face whilst the others outside were grimacing or frowning.

    That’s about what I said over on The Slylock Files. I guess its expression is meant to convey “Holy shit, look at what they’re doing to each other out there! I’m glad I’m in HERE!” but it sort of looks like “Look at all the fun they’re having out there, while I’m in HERE!” Particularly since at least two of the cats are having fun.

    A cat sleeping contentedly indoors would’ve worked fine, I think.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#130): *snrk!*

    @Poteet (#145): “Liberty vs. security” is also a dilemma when it comes to pets, I guess.

    @Poteet (#152): I was thinking of saying: there are several relatives of mine whom I’d be quite happy to avoid spending Thanksgiving with. Not sure how this registers on the Luann Jerk-O-Meter. (Patent pending.)

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#181):

    the more advanced concept of furious masturbation.

    Wait, there’s a non-furious version of masturbation now?

    @Lumaca Morente of the HEY!s Office (#199): Us Canucks, meanwhile, can just goof off while you guys do all the work.

  295. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#284): “Les bobettes!” (At least for women)
    Such a pretty word, no?

    Quite. The next time I attack a Francophone woman, I shall remember to shout that.

    // Such fun!

  296. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    Recontextualizing Mary Worth

    So, Shaggy needed to get his fix. Scooby Snacks didn’t grow on trees, they told him. Well, they no longer grow on trees and that is where this sorted mess began.

    When Shaggy, Scooby and the Gang found that Scooby Snack tree, they thought they had found the solution to so many of their problems. With the cost of fuel being so expensive, the Gang had to cut back on many things which they took for granted.

    The tree offered Scooby and Shaggy a near endless supply. Unfortunately, their plan to take the tree with them on their adventures was short-sighted. They yanked up the tree at the roots, put a canvas bag around the dirt about its roots and then tied the small tree to the top of the van. It wasn’t the best solution to taking it with them but they figured keeping it inside the van would take up too much sleeping space.

    After the auto accident where the tree knocked a bus filled with nuns headed to do some charity work for disaster relief off the road and into that heavy metal rock band’s tour bus, the Gang decided it was best to part was with Shaggy.

    He thought he could manage to harvest some of the snacks from the tree as it was on the roof of the van and while the van was headed down the interstate. His accidental unmooring of the tree is what led to it flying off of the van and into oncoming traffic. That’s when the nun filled bus veered a hard right and across the median.

    Well, now alone, Shaggy needed his fix. He needed more Scooby Snacks. Little did he anticipate that in trying to get some money to buy some he would encounter the old man disguised as a meddling monster that he and the Gang had never encountered. Upon pulling off the monster’s mask, he would realize that Old Mr. McGillicutty was pretending to be that meddling monster. The only thing was, Shaggy had neither the Gang nor Scooby to back up his discovery.

    What was the poor snack addict to do? Should he continue on with the purse and try to convert it to spoils or should he turn McGillicutty over to the cops?

    My, how he longed to hear those magic words:

    “And I would have gotten away with it if not for…”

  297. Mr. O'Malley
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#284): Les bobettes? Didn’t they do “J’ai tiré Monsieur Lee”?

  298. Sarah Morgan, Enfant Savant
    November 21st, 2013 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    Boy, you guys are so funny! I love the mastication jokes. Would you like to see my *other* horsie drawings?
    Love, Sarah

  299. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y116): Thanks for the squee! ((waves))

    And Josh, you were spot on today!

  300. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    ((surfaces temporarily from under piles of work))
    MT: Do you know what I really don’t understand about this week’s Mark Trail?

    Cherry’s hat.

    ((sinks into the depths again))

  301. Alter Ego
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Sarah Morgan, Enfant Savant (#298): Sure, just put ‘em up on 4chan, with the others.

  302. Andy_147
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    The mugger in Mary Worth – this isn’t the Return of Tommy the Tweaker, is it?

  303. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Andy_147 (#302):
    Ah HA!
    Perhaps.
    Excellent call.

  304. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    MW-I’m sorry, Mary, but soda shops yet out of business years ago. There is no way this person can be a jerk.

  305. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @Andy_147 (#302):

    He’s back in Santa Royale turning the place into a drug den.

  306. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#294) asked:
    “@Alfred E. Neuman (#181):
    Wait, there’s a non-furious version of masturbation now?”

    Sadly, yes. It’s been mandated by the HEY!s Office.

  307. DaveyK
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    It looked at first as if there was a foot wearing a striped sock peeking out from under the covers of Francis’ bed…I now realize it is probably a beer can. Before coming to that realization, I found myself trying to figure out what sexual position Francis and his date hastily concealed with the comforter when Momma barged in, based on the position of Francis’ body and that one foot. Then I realized what I was trying to visualize, got queasy, and had to lie down for a few hours. And that, in a nutshell, is how I spent my Thursday.

  308. Cuss Skunk
    November 21st, 2013 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

  309. Formerly Wounded Elk
    November 21st, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug: “You are Mr. Elk, and I claim the ten pounds prize” (#72): Mr. Shrug, you’re such a kidder! To think I could do a Homo sapiens crossover! (Uh…. can we say “homo” here?) Even I, Elk of the Year, have my limitations. Truth is, I could never get the hang of that walk-on-hind-legs thing. You might say I just couldn’t master gait.

  310. Andy_147
    November 21st, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#305): Hmm – thought he looked kind of like Tommy at first, but now I think he looks more like Charley of the shocking artwork. (Or maybe it’s just that all Mary Worth villains have the same evil expression…)

  311. demoncat4
    November 21st, 2013 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    mw little does the mugger relize as he keeps grabbing for Marys purse he is about to face the wrath of a an acient goddess who butts into peoples lives and meddles them to death haven is about to have a new member. fc my hand got away from myself is what jeffery will tell the cops in the future when they find he finaly murdered the rest of the klan as a part of a satanic ritual

  312. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#294):
    You are familiar with those fellers who were professional soda jerks, right?

    (the idea disturbs me, to be quite frank)

  313. Steve Martin
    November 21st, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#312):

    “Jerk” is also a style of cooking native to Jamaica. Meat is dry-rubbed or wet marinated with a very hot spice mixture called Jamaican jerk spice.

  314. Albert
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    300+ posts and no one’s asked if Jeffy Melonhead is writing on the wall with one of his turds? But then, I guess it’s not like this is Marvin.

    @Lassie (#73): That’s the thing about 9CL: Sex is funny. Sex as conceived by a 12-year old boy, not so much.

  315. Ukulele Ike
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    Did the NYU Violets ever make it to to the Rose Bowl? Just askin’.

  316. skinny blonde waitress with large breasts
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Steve Martin (#313): Meat is dry-rubbed or wet marinated…

    I love it when you talk dirty!

  317. seismic-2
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#152): A Luann expert [no comment] posted this afternoon that Aunt Vicki was last seen in the strip just over 20 years ago, but prior to that the DeGroots did in fact spend a number of their holidays visiting her. Her critical role in the strip was to give Puddles to Luann. I am in awe that anyone knows this, and it must be true, because how in the world would you make that up if it weren’t.

  318. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Steve Martin (#313): Jerk chicken. Oh, my yes. If you can’t get to Jamaica, West Indies, there are a lot of good shops in Jamaica, Queens, NY. And on the south side of Atlanta, near the airport, on Old National Highway. Best way to cook chicken, ever.

    // Except of course, stuffing the chicken into a duck, and then stuffing the duck into a turkey — but that’s another story.

  319. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#125): The Violets ARE (or were) great fencers: “The university’s men’s fencing team won the most NCAA Division I championships or co-championships prior to the NCAA’s establishment of coed team competition in 1990. The twelve titles were earned between 1947 and 1976.[12] The women’s fencing team has been national champions ten times—the women’s foil team won the NIWFA’s Mildred Stuyvesant-Fish Trophy from 1929 to 1933, in 1938, from 1949 to 1951, and in 1971.” Wiki

  320. seismic-2
    November 21st, 2013 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#312): If you find the idea of soda jerks disturbing, how do you cope with the mental image of beef jerky?

  321. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#318): You know, I think Jamaican jerk seasoning might work really well in turducken. Really well.

    // Jerk turdunken! The engastration of the Future!

  322. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#267): babe? what babe?

    (bourbon babe!)

  323. Borborygmy
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#321): Jerk Turdunken? Great name for a band!

    // I’m thinking bongos, electric ukulele, and theremin.

  324. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 21st, 2013 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    “Turjerkin” perhaps?

    apropos of nothing, BW3 has a Caribbean Jerk flavor for their wings that is really good. (yvmv)

  325. Huckleberry Fink
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#323): I’m pretty sure the hipster crowd would flock to a Jamaican coffee, jerk meat and baked good restaurant called “Jerk Turdunkin Donuts.”

  326. Liam
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    FC-”Jeffy, how many times have we told you if you are going to scrawl hate slogans do it outside so people can see it.”

    Spiderman-Spiderman took it off once in public and was arrested for indecent exposure.

    Crankshaft-”I don’t care what her job is. I want her to get me some more coffee.”

    Hi and Lois-”I don’t know. I usually fall asleep during the first hand.”

    Hi and Lois-”Lots of wine and bad mouthing the neighbors that aren’t there.”

    Dennis the Menace-Sadly that won’t be the last time Joey asks questions about his identity.

    Curtis-This is amazing. Billingsley never did a Curtis begging his dad for money joke before.

  327. Fred the Baker
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#325): Time to make the donuts…

  328. Huckleberry Fink
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#326): This is amazing. Billingsley never did a Curtis begging his dad for money joke before.

    If you haven’t seen “Curtis” before, it’s new to you.

  329. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    @Steve Martin (#313):

    I’m somewhat familiar with the family dishes. It is scrumptious.

    @seismic-2 (#320):

    Oh…. I dunno.

    I s’pose, beef jerky doesn’t spent any time in its life doing effort justification. Nor does it have potential problems in a job interview.

    Such as:

    Interviewer: So, it says here that you worked at Pop’s Pharmacy-The Home Away From Home For The Pill Poppin’ Mommas And Daddios

    Interviewee: That’s correct, ma’am.

    Interviewer: What is it that you did there?

    Interviewee: I was a soda jerk.

    Interviewer (slightly miffed): Well, there’s no reason to name call. I’m just asking a simple question, sir.
    Can you explain to me what you did in this capacity…as a “soda”.

    Interviewee: No, see. You don’t understand. I wasn’t a “soda”. What I did was jerk sodas at the joint!
    Oh, and one more thing. Skip a canoe and carry Doc, too!

    Interviewer: I think this interview is over, sir. I’ve heard quite enough of your idiomatic insults!

  330. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: I like to think that the mugger is currently making that “robble robble” sound you’ve heard from the Hamburglar.

  331. tallyHO
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#329):

    Second Interview:

    Interviewee: So, I guess since you called me back for another interview, I gots the dibs on the gig?

    Interviewer: No, not quite. We still have other applicants whom we are looking at, sir. I was just informed that it would be best to complete our first interview as to not discriminate against you.

    Interviewee: “Discriminate”? Huh. That’s sumptin’! Don’t that beat all! And Up-until-now I was always the one enforcing the rules at the lunch counter! How is it that you were discriminating against me? My hair’s got a lot Dippity Do in it, but, not too much. I admit this apron I’m wearing over my shirt and tie might seem a might too much for a job involving Polishing Turduckens, but, I can assure you that I will be the best Turducken Polisher this side of Saskatoon!

    Interviewer: Well, to be quite blunt, sir, I was told by my employer that I had to give you the complete interview so as to not seem like I’m dismissing an anachronism who might be a touch insane!

    Interviewee (who for some reason is sipping a fountain soda through a pair of paper straws as he listens): Oh…I…SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHUUUUTTTZZZZZZZZZZ!

    Interviewer: Now see here, sir! I tried to give you a second chance! A chance to redeem yourself from the first interview and you…you..come in here and do your…soda jerking all over my desk!

    Good day, sir! Good day!

  332. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    MT: “And if you and dad could play horsey all the way there that would be great. Let me get my camera.”

    FW: Wait, I forgot. This is the “Alien Autopsy” video, right?

    BH: Stanley gets crazy on these robotripping highs. As soon as he hangs up he’s going to have sex with the cat again.

    9CL: You know what would make me happy? Well, relatively? If we found out that Amos was catatonic because Edda saying “bikini bottom” had sent him on a reverie of his favorite Spongebob episodes.

    JP: Guess we know what Sophie’s next science project will be.

    BB: Sarge knew that one day all those steaks and hamburgers would catch up with him, but he never quite pictured it happening this way.

    Blondie: This guy and his damned meta questions. You can bet that Foofram Industries over in Hi and Lois will be throwing his résumé in the circular file too.

    DtM: It’s healthy for Joey to question his identity, and we all knew this was coming. Still, win the football game first.

    H-Cliff: A better response might be, “Don’t look, don’t acknowledge, just keep jogging.” BTW, is ‘cliff digging his claws into Mr. Nutmeg’s scalp? Ouch!

    SFx: And the eighth and final rule. If this is your first night at Kitty Fight Club, you have to fight.

    OBH: “And use protection. I know we’re Catholic but I’m really not looking for another brother or sister.”

    A3G: “Well, it’s a radical treatment, but I’m optimistic about this new course of treatment. First I pour the leeches into his ear canal…”

  333. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    @Comics kid (#4):

    That’s our heroin?

    Luann de Groot certainly makes me want to shoot heroin. Good thing I can’t stand needles.

  334. Calico
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    Here is a variation on the Turducken, India style.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBY61x4lIXM

  335. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#75): Ah, so that’s the kind of drive and initiative that allowed him to take over the drawing of the strip.

  336. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 21st, 2013 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#83): Of course when Walker and his brothers in arms weren’t fighting the Kaiser’s men they were taking selfies and posting them to telegraphic Tumblr.

  337. Baka Gaijin
    November 22nd, 2013 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#330): Robble, robble, COTW-robble!

  338. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 22nd, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#337): Thank you again. I like knowing we’re on a similar wavelength.

  339. Droopy Says
    November 22nd, 2013 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    The Abashed Spiderman: “But–I didn’t use Clearasil this morning!’

    You Don’t Know, Dick: “‘Cool Dude’? No, I’m ‘Not Me!’ Get me back to the Keane Kompound before something happens, okay?”

    Family Circus: Oh, man, I love this ‘Twilight Zone’ reference! Can Dolly please be sucked into the afterlife now?

    Funky Stringofbeans: Who is a boy? Some janitor idly mopping the floor? Monotony’s replacement pizza deliverer? That should read “My newborn son, John Darling II, is a boy!”

    Jugheaded Parker: “Drone Over Niamey” was the obscure B-side song on the original “Moon Over Miami” 45.

    Mark Trail: Don’t worry, Doc will perk right up when he gets seasick.

    Mary Mirthless: And Vladimir Lenin moves to redeem himself!

    Phantom: “That’s right, my name is ‘me’! With a small ‘m!’ It means ‘crazy guy with anachronistic shades’ in the Bangallan tongue!”

    Pluggers: The rest of us remember, too, Brookins, you peckerwood.

  340. Poteet
    November 22nd, 2013 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#318): I know that jerk chicken is a splendid dish for many if not most people. But I’m one of the genetic super-tasters whose mouth can’t handle hot spices, and my first taste of jerk chicken will remain my last. Gaaah!

  341. Poteet
    November 22nd, 2013 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    MW: Omigawd, the fiend is ripping her hand off her arm!!! Now I understand the advice to just let the perp have your purse, or better yet, carry a fake purse with a little cash for the muggers and keep the real stash hidden somewhere on your person. This is awful. I assume we’ll see the gushing blood on Saturday.

  342. Poteet
    November 22nd, 2013 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    MT: I have friends who regularly take canoe trips in the Boundary Waters and have managed to avoid having any serious injuries or problems. I also know people who hunt and fish and manage to avoid being kidnapped, starting wildfires, encountering perps, etc. I’m starting to suspect that LoFo is under some kind of curse.

  343. Poteet
    November 22nd, 2013 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    9CL: We never seem to see these two hanging out with other young people, and boy is it easy to understand why.

  344. Dale
    November 22nd, 2013 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    How bad does it have to be before you put on your life preservers?

  345. Dale
    November 22nd, 2013 at 5:30 am [Reply]

    MARY WORTH

    Mugger escapes without purse. “Learn from your mistakes. Try harder next time, jerk!”

    Mary takes homeless person to Promises, Promises. Does he have a skill they can use: music teacher, politician, chef, watchmaker, diplomat, website designer?

  346. gleeb
    November 22nd, 2013 at 7:06 am [Reply]

    Argyle-So, if you want to honor a friend with your comic, why do it with a golf joke?

    Dick-“You want more than three strips in a row on the same subject? OK, then that’s what you’ll get! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”

    Thorp-“Besides, I love the fear in his eyes. His permanent disabling will be exquisite.”

    Pluggers-…were on the Grassy Knoll.

    ‘bean-Welcome to Cancerdeathville, Lisor Darling Fairgood!

  347. Huckleberry Fink
    November 22nd, 2013 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man #1: “Tit for tat, lady — you remove your top and I’ll remove my mask!”

    Spider-Man #2: Peter removes his Spider-Man mask to reveal the Jonah Jameson mask he’s wearing under it.

  348. Baka Gaijin
    November 22nd, 2013 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#337): Robble-robble you’re welcome robble.

  349. gleeb
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    “It’s a boy!!” confirmed Funky, giving his acolytes the thumbs-up. The sacrifice could be made, bringing the Awakening of the pizza demon closer.

  350. Cloudbuster
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#140): Debate Team is brutal!

  351. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#324): BW3 has a Caribbean Jerk flavor for their wings that is really good.

    Noted, and thanks. I’ll have to give it a try. Though frankly, I’m skeptical. True jerk seasoning, as made by actual Jamaicans (where ever they live) is made mostly of scallions, scotch bonnet peppers, allspice, and other stuff. The other stuff depends on the cook, everyone’s recipe is a little different — like bbq sauce that way — I guess it IS a kind of bbq sauce after all.

    The jerk sauce made in the US by commercial outfits — the kind you can buy in grocery stores, and that big chains like Buffalo Wild Wings generally use, tends to be very sweet, and not very spicy. True Jamaican jerks sauce may be more or less spicy (usually more), but it is never sweet.

    // This a particularly bad habit of S.E. US cooks, who like to sweeten everything! I’ve even had sweet sushi — horrible!

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  354. Baka Gaijin
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#351): Should you really be jerking your chicken in a sports bar?

  355. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#340): I’m one of the genetic super-tasters whose mouth can’t handle hot spices…

    That seems a shame. Is is like a peanut allergy, only for capsaicin?

  356. Nehemiah Scudder
    November 22nd, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#355): Oh, I see Wikipedia has an article on supertasters. Of course they do.

    Well, I guess you save a lot of money on spices then!

    // I used to envy the guys in the Navy who could get totally wasted on just two beers. Lucky bastards!

  357. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    November 22nd, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

  358. Duke of Earl Grey
    November 22nd, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    I think Mary looks more like James Coburn than Claude Akins, but I suppose that doesn’t make the beatdown any less imminent.

  359. Klipper
    November 22nd, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    MW: That seriously-crazed mugger has no interest in money, he wants to bang that handbag – bang it hard right there in the park by the lake.

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