Horror movie edition
Funky Winkerbean, 7/11/09
NOOOO! DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! IT’S … ZOMBIE WALLY, COME TO EAT YOUR BRAINS HAPPINESS!
No, seriously, this whole week has been full of foreboding and doom, and since we all know that nobody in the history of Funky Winkerbean can ever be happy, and since there’s been all sorts of weird hints about it, obviously Wally has been held secretly captive in Iraq for 10 years, or 5 years, or whatever mishmosh of space-time has passed since the big jump, and now he’s come back to find that his wife has remarried, and everyone involved — Becky, Wally, John, Wally Jr. — is going to be absolutely devastated no matter how it all plays out. It’ll be just like Isaac Bashevis Singer’s Enemies, A Love Story, except not good.
Mary Worth, 7/11/09
NOOOO! DON’T LOOK BACK, DELILAH! DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT! YOU’LL BE DOOMED! DOOMED!
God bless Mary Worth for really bringing the laughs this week. Today’s second panel is particularly hilarious. The gears in Charley’s head are spinning furiously; he seems to have consulted some mid-century text on how to have a socially appropriate interaction with someone that doesn’t make it obvious that you’re just trying to bang whomever you’re talking to, and he suddenly remembered, about 45 seconds after the conversation actually ended, that you’re apparently supposed to mention that you look forward to your next encounter with your interlocutor. Meanwhile, Mary looks like a grim-faced Marine escorting a civilian prisoner out of some sort of war zone. “Don’t worry, you’re in good hands now. Once we get back to base, though, you’ll have to undergo an extensive debriefing to see we can glean any useful intelligence from your contact with that enemy subject.”
Dennis the Menace, 7/11/09
The real menace here, of course, is the suffocating nanny state, which has filled Dennis’s head from birth with such emasculating nonsense as “steps should be taken while traveling via motor vehicle to reduce the chances of being horribly killed.” Now Dennis can’t even enjoy red-blooded American sports like being trampled to death by horses!
Oh, and hey! Even though I didn’t post yesterday, it still was a very important moment: it was the fifth anniversary of the very first post on this blog. Have I really been doing this thing for five years? Mercy! Huge thanks to all of you, new readers and old alike, for your constant support and affection, without which I surely would have given this up in despair long ago. And special thank for the reminder of my agedness to longtime faithful reader Mooncity, creator of the Autumn Lake Webcomic, who whipped up the following charming graphic for the occasion:
To be fair, it’s also possible that people aren’t following the site because they haven’t heard of it — yet. If you know some non-ninny who might enjoy it, send them the link, won’t you?
July 12th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
FW: That is a VERY insistent doorbell.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
FW: With the bell sounding a distinct “Ding!” “Dong!” instead of its customary “Ding-Dong!”, it can mean only one thing: A-von calling!
I think they’ll encounter considerable interest in their new line of corpse rouge.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
At first, I thought Mary was squeezing Delilah so tightly her hand came through Delilah’s chest to grab her shirt, but now I see that the paper suddenly changed color from white to yellow.
Great work Giella!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
FW explores new depths of suck on Monday by rerunning the Sunday comic. Reminds me of Bart looking at a page from “Where’s Waldo?” consisting of just a picture of Waldo.
“It’s like he’s not even trying anymore.”
July 12th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Congrats on 5 years! Here’s to many more!!!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Congratulations on your five year anniversary of the ever-entertaining Curmudgeon blog!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Even more menacing? Dad Mitchell thinks he’ll get to spend his weekend watching games in high-def on his snazzy new flat-screen TV, but Dennis has already commandeered it for ancient black-and-white cowboy movies.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Oh, and congrats to you, Josh — and thanks for all the laughs!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
FunkWink: Any luck this is one of those “grieving widow/er begins to interact with the imagined apparition of a loved one?” Let’s face it – Lisa riding along on Les’ dates is getting pretty old. Time to get another character to catch a ride on the neurosis train.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I think that Karen Moy has gotten her Biblical characters confused and thinks that if Delilah looks back, she will turn into a pillar of salt.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Comics Curmudgeon: Menacing comic artists for five years and counting!
July 12th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
The Mitchells have sprung for one of those fancy Low-Def, Blue-and-White Flatscreen TVs I keep hearing about.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
#10 Mac: I thought she’d turn into a pillow of salt. A big beanbag chair wearing slut clothing.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Great, so Josh celebrates the five year anniversary by… Not posting? It’s okay. You deserve a day off.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
The way Delilah says “Yes?” in that first panel, I get the feeling she’s hoping Charley will grab her and do her right there. (”What do you think I’m dressed this way for,” she’s thinking, “my health?”) Then the disappointment on her face as he loses his nerve and allows Mary to drag her away is actually kind of sad. She realizes that she’s lost out on the only still-virile male in a ten-mile radius, and her chances on actually getting some while in the ever-more-possessive Mary’s clutches have gone down to practically zilch.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Congrats, Josh, on your 5 years as the Comics Curmudgeon! I’ve been reading more or less everyday for the past 4 years, and never fail to leave without at least one hearty guffaw or snort. Here’s to many more years of zaniness!
July 12th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
MW – Mary’s true turtle identity is revealed as she quickly pulls her neck, head, and hands into her shell, a defense mechanism that allows the Santa Royale terrapin to bide her time safely until danger has passed (or to plot her revenge against an unwelcome predator). Note how the colorful markings on her floral carapace allow her to blend in with her surroundings, displaying the same hideous fashion sense as other nearby creatures and habitats. More information about Santa Royale Terrapins can be found on the internet.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Congrats on 5 years!
July 12th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
@ #17 – Santa Royale Terrapins would be a good name for a sports team.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Congrats on your anniversary, Josh–it hardly seems that long ago. How many bird cages have been lined with your source material over the years? Here’s a haiku in your honor:
Comics Curmudgeon,
Five years of Grade A Snark. Still
Ageless as Mark Trail.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
19 – I was thinking that “Miri and the Grups” would be a good name for a band.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
This week’s Mary Worth has been hysterical. I hope we can look forward to more full contact meddling from her in the future.
FW: Maybe she can intervene on Batiuk about his need to subject his creations to the torments of the damned. “Gee, they were married, productive, functional, and happy. In other words, they committed the unforgiveable sin in the Funkyverse.
JP: As timely as last year’s headlines.
9CL: I actually found today’s Thorax-free installment kind of amusing and charming.
RMMD: First the employees of a financially troubled cruise line go on strike in mid-voyage and get surly–a plot development that leads nowhere–now the employees of a financially troubled care center are deserting like rats fleeing a sinking ship (synergy!). Maybe this plotline will prove to be pointless and boring, too.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Congratulations, Josh, and thank you.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Wally Guerrebean: If you think this is horrible, wait until you hear the back-story that’s going to consume our summer like a whale devouring plankton. Unless I miss my guess, Cindy “I-just-got-a-huge-promotion-overseas” Summers will be involved in the Grade-Z stinker of a plot Bad News is hatching. The only thing that would save it is if he punched her out like he did Khan.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
ReFoob — Yeesh. Foob may have played a greater role in my decision to remain childless than I realized at the time.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Happy anniversary, Josh! You’ve been making me laugh since the Rex Morgan golf outing of ‘06.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Mary Worth is a grimacing, bitter, meddling old harridan with a PhD in cock blocking. That really grinds my gears.
P.S. Congratulations Josh, this blog makes newspaper funnies worth reading again.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Charley seems to cause such a physical reaction in Mary Worth that she seizes up. My advice to her is to eat some prunes and let the meddling flow.
July 12th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Maybe not horror…just cruel, cruel comedy:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3714560796/
July 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Five years! I think I’ve been here since the first year, and believe me, the laughs you bring have saved me from despair many times. It’s been fun to watch this blog turn into a big time attraction, bringing you fame, fortunte and international connections! Couldn’t happen to a better, funnier or nicer guy. Thanks, Your Joshfulness!
July 12th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
FW: I see that someone has apparently ignored the “hand rinse only” tag on his novelty Beatle wig and has carelessly decided to machine wash and tumble dry it, with predictably terrible results.
Oh, and um, congratulations on the five years thing. Capital snarking, old man. Pip pip, cheerio, and all that tommy rot, eh what?
July 12th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
When you’ve been here long enough, here on the front line in Santa Royale, you get to recognize it–the thousand-yard stare. Mary had it, from too many patrols, too many encounters, too many buddies lost to Smith. Delilah has just a kid, green–what were they doing sending kids like this to the front? Mary knew that if she could just get her through her first encounter with Charlie, she might have a chance . . .
Congratulations on five years of snark, Josh! You taught me to hate For Better Or Worse in ways I had never known!
July 12th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
According to the classic tale “The Monkey’s Paw”, Becky can still wish the knocking to stop. I could only imagine that Les would use his wishes to bring Lisa back to life. The cost of the wish: Everyone gets cancer.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
The other day, my boss caught me staring intently at something or rather on the interwebs and warned me not to frown or I’d get lines on my face. At first, I was slightly offended that she assumed that just because I’m a lady that I hope to never get wrinkles and/or age. But now I realize she was just trying to warn me away from ever looking like Mary Worth in that terrifying second panel. God help us all.
July 12th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Congratulations Josh! And thank you. Your blog is responsible for some incredible and wonderful things having happened in my life.
And that Very First Thread you linked to…wow. Reading the comments on it, I realized that it’s sort of a fossilized birthday cake, isn’t it? A CC Time Capsule. Is it the only thread in your blog that people add onto years later, I wonder?
July 12th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Okay, so, Wally’s coming back to life and is about to be thrust into the new situations of Ten Years Laterdom. But… has no one honestly told him? I can only imagine he thought it was a little odd when the guy at the Army, bending over his file said “Yes, son, it looks like you’re in perfect condition to go back home to you *snort* ‘wife’. Yes, I’m sure she’ll be… hehehehehe… delighted to see you!” After all, anyone in the Funkyverse should think it’s odd to hear they’re in perfect condition.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Presumably this is some hallucination? I mean the halo-iferic backlighting and everyting…
Wally doesn’t look like he’s picked up the same 10 years everyone else has. Or maybe he’s old and decrepit like everyone else, but Becky (in her mind) is seeing him as he was?
July 12th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Hmm, Dennis now has access to a large-screen flat-panel TV set but still dresses like it’s 1952. His slingshot’s no longer in his back pocket, so perhaps it’s been sent away to be upgraded to a ’90s-style Super Soaker.
Whaetever happened to him talking like a toddler? In past decades, his life revolved around “terebishun”, if I remember correctly. Did he get speech therapy sometime around his 40th birthday?
July 12th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Mary Worth: Yep, it was monsoon season in ‘Nam… err I mean Charterstone. Charley had targeted the newbie, but thankfully Sgt. Worth was there to usher the rookie away just in time…
– Scenes from the full-length Mary Worth feature — “Full Meddle Jacket.”
July 12th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
At the door: It’s her other ARM!!!
It’s come back! And it’s angry!
July 12th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
@Tom T. #40: In that case, she really ought to get some sort of attachment for what’s left to help fight it off. Like, oh, I dunno, maybe a chainsaw or something. Also effective in case a zombie Wally were ever to show up.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I like the facial expressions that pass for “okay” in the Funky universe.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Judge Parker’s love interest April Showers didn’t find that outfit in the ladies’ department at Brooks Brothers. Perhaps the World Bank is less staid than we had imagined. Let us pray fervently that she has time to do a makeover on Tommie Thompson the next time she’s in Manhattan .
July 13th, 2009 at 12:21 am
The next time someone runs a newspaper poll with Mary Worth as a potential drop candidate… that second panel is the only answer needed.
Mark Trail, you’ve got a serious contender in the… uh.. um… well, Mark Trail category, which is disturbing…
July 13th, 2009 at 12:35 am
BigTed: I also noticed the change from anticipation to disappointment in Delilah between those two panels. But I read it more as Delilah’s eagerness being suddenly quenched by Charlie’s “Call me!” Right now, Delilah’s thinking, “Call you? I don’t even talk to my husband. Why would I attempt any form of meaningful communication with you?”
July 13th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Happy anniversary, Josho. And yeah, I’m in the superfuture of Monday and you’re right about FW. Only Batiuk can take something that should be good — a non-dead Wally — and make it horrible for everyone involved.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I suggest they re-name Dennis the Menace to Dennis the Stupid.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Congrats, Josh. I’m surprised after five years of reading some of this gibberish you’re still sane enough to press the keys, much less be amusing every day. Just in time to see Mary Worth lose her sanity. Hmmm — five years, Mary loses it — is there a connection?
29 Bats:[ — You’re a gem, too.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Congratulations on your anniversary, Josh!!! This website provides me with a great source of humor–thanks for keeping it going!
July 13th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Frightened of the coming storm, Delilah’s navel flees the unprotected territory of her midriff, plunging down to hide its face in a sea of fishnet.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Congratulations, Josh! and kudos to you for this site, which is consistently hilarious.