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Metapost: Multi-item comments of the week!

Kids, we have a number of ITEMS! for you to get through before we reach the beloved COTW, but I think you will find them worth your while!

First off, long-time readers of this blog are well-acquainted with The Fart Party, one of my favoritist Web comics. But for everyone who’s been all like “Man, reading stuff on the Web is for suckers,” now you can get the second volume in book form! Julia Wertz chronicles her happy-go-lucky drunken cheese-oriented self-loathing, for your entertainment! Buy it now if you know what’s good for you, sucka!

Also! Faithful reader McManx draws my attention to this image, recently added to Wikipedia’s Mary Worth article, from the cover of a 1956 comic book compilation of our favorite meddling biddy’s adventures:

So, first, yes, Mary Worth once had its own comic book, and was identified on the cover of said book as “One of America’s great newspaper comics,” despite which obviously false claim the Comics Code Authority still deigned to grant its seal of approval. But as McManx points out, isn’t there something familiar about this scene? Angry Mary … weeping dark-haired beauty with small scrap of paper, possibly with a phone number written on it … menacing stripe-shirted figure — good lord! Could the Charley-Delilah plotline be spooling out again, decades after its origin?

Also also! Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish there were a blog that does for terrible rock lyrics what Josh’s blog does for comics?” Well, now there is, in the form of Awesomely Bad Lyrics. Go forth and enjoy!

And finally! If you would like to help a blogger who’s blogging a blogathon for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, check this out!

And now, after all that, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

What’s going on? What was that loud noise? And why is blood coming out of the front of your shirt? Are these two events related? Oh, how I wish Andy were here to explain this to me!” –buckyswife

And the runners up! Many funny ones, this week…

“Now that I’ve looked at it again, I’m thinking that the jack-in-the-box is just to get Ziggy on his back, from where he is unable to rise without help. Help which, one prays to god, is never forthcoming.” –Muffaroo

“Doesn’t this panel prove once and for all that Ziggy IS, in fact, wearing pants? Footie pajama pants, to be precise. So, now can we please stop worrying about getting a glimpse of his pudenda? And start worrying that maybe he has the kind with a flap in the back that could suffer a wardrobe malfunction at any moment?” –Brett

“Joey, those people you are involved with are gangsters … they will ruin us and the company if you don’t stop them now! So, quick, talk to Mark Trail, who I know as a person who takes photographs and emphasizes words peculiarly!” –Chip Whittle

Funky Winkerbean: We put the ‘GI’ in ‘turgid’!” –Uncle Lumpy

“So as each Phantom is named Walker for ‘the ghost who walks,’ then each Judge is named Parker, for ‘the sexless lawyer who parks carelessly’?” –Ed Dravecky

Brad’s flirting reminds me of a bad joke I will re-work: Q: What’s long and hard on Brad? A: The third grade.” –Rusty

“Brad, Brad, you degenerate cad! Don’t think I can’t follow your eyeline in panel one, mister! Did you really think you’d get away with eyeing Toni’s collarbone like that? Her eyes are up here, thankyouverymuch. And her eyebrows are way up here, kind of floating in the abyss. See ’em?” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t see how anyone can resent the years-long, go-nowhere sexy banter between Brad and Toni. I can only hope it continues for decades to come, finally leaving Brad an old man on an unrumpled deathbed, ruminating on the fact that in the heady rush of all the double entendres, he forgot to have sex.” –Dan

“Mommy gives me a bath by dropping me in the water and then leaving and passing out with a bottle of wine on the couch.” –Rob

“Is it just me, or are Wolverine’s mutton chops getting muttoner and muttoner by the day?” –Roto13

“MJ, on the other hand, will be pleased to discover that sex with Logan involves actual penile penetration, as opposed to Peter’s ejaculating onto webs and, after a lengthy courtship dance, furtively inserting his seldom-depicted pedipalps into her vagina before running away, lest she eat him.” –Comrade Denny

“The 7/16 Mary Worth is making me want to pull a 7/16 Trixie.” –KarMann

“Isn’t that Larry King, dressed like Colonel Sanders, speaking to Margo? Is that why she looks flustered? I know I would be.” –Jumper

“To Wolverine: Sorry bub, but in this strip, shiny blue hair that shapes your face like an autobot cannot compete with Peter Parker’s gay-Elvis forelock. Chinbeards only get lovin’ in Mary Worth.” –teddytoad

“1. Protagonist is introduced. 2. Protagonist’s trivial problem is revealed. 3. Problem is blown way the hell out of proportion. 4. Anvils — a lot of anvils — are dropped on protagonist. 5. Protagonist, having seen not only stars but also good sense, obligingly dances on strings held by soulless inhuman puppetmaster. 6-29. Pastel food montage. 30. Choose one: (i) pool party, (ii) fiery death.” –One-eyed Wolfdog, on how a typical Mary Worth plot could be fit into 30 panels

“I just assumed that all characters, not only the Alzheimy ones, wanted to escape RMMD.” –Anthony

That’s the Alzheimer’s enclosure behind us! We call it ‘Charterstone’, and nearly every one of the residents wants to escape!” –Naked Bunny With A Whip

“Better Otto pondering the Bhagavad Gita than General Halftrack’s investigations into the Kama Sutra.” –zerowolf

“Is one of Wolverine’s mutant powers his utter lack of table manners? Maybe that’s why most ‘non-mutes’ shun him — no one wants to be sprayed with bits of food as he chops up his meat and stuffs it in his mouth with both hands. For MJ, of course, anything is a change for the better from Peter’s passive-aggression and prissy neuroses.” –Lawyerbob

“Peter would shoot his webbing to pick up his own food wad, but even that little bit of excitement would overwhelm him, and he’d need to lie down on the couch.” –Steve S

“I didn’t think Margo was necessarily against human happiness, per se. I always just assumed it failed to interest her, unless it affected her plans in some way.” –boojum

“The first Spider-man panel makes sense if you consider the context. Between MJ’s direct-to-video starlet lifestyle and Peter’s utterly gutless inability to stand up to Jameson (coupled with the proportionate photographic talent of a spider), the Parkers can only afford to eat at the worst restaurants in New York. Such eateries often have insufficient flatware sets during peak hours and the pork chops are so dry and underprepared that nothing short of unbreakable adamantium combat claws can cut through them.” –Birthmark Hal

“Your desperation has led you to forget everything you know of either seagulls or Marvin. Death pecking is not a possibility. A relentless diarrhetic war of pitiless, sphincterless attrition is indicated.” –Jp

“I just like that the assassin has remembered to wear blaze orange. Safety first!” –Orange Cactus

“It would seem that the sniper in Mark Trail is using some kind of Giant Word Gun, as it appears Joey Williams is actually being knocked over by the word ‘WHAM!’” –Digger

“I love how that second MW panel is labeled ‘Meanwhile’ but there’s nothing going on. ‘Meanwhile … Delilah exists.’ ‘Meanwhile … Delilah walks.’ ‘Meanwhile … bamboo slowly crowds out all other flora in Charterstone and begins plans to go after the fauna.’” –the angry black woman

Mark Trail: even when a long-hair wants to go straight, he still has to die.” –Ktrout

“It is hard to watch Bill degenerate into senility, hollowly shouting disjointed passages from a comic book, insensible to the fact that his children have left his side long ago. His mental degeneration has progressed so aggressively that he is no longer able to support his family; poor Thel has obviously been forced in her middle age to moonlight as a hotel maid while nursing and patronizing her doddering husband. ‘HOW’S YOUR BOOK?’” –Greenbrastic

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138 responses to “Metapost: Multi-item comments of the week!”

  1. Poteet
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Yay for buckyswife! Woot woot! And I am pleased to see that a few comments I hoped to see on the float are there, including that of angry black woman, along with other funny comments that I missed. Congratulations to all of you! Throw chocolate!

  2. buckyswife
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Oh my goodness! I’d do an “I’m on the float dance”—but it wouldn’t be sufficient to express my joy. Thanks, Josh—and congrats to all the other floaters!

    And Poteet, look out: there’s chocolate flying in your general direction!

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Argo comics? Like from the starch company? Well, I guess it makes sense: Mary Worth as a flavorless thickener.

  4. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    “Yay! CsOTW! Let’s see… funny… funny… LOL… funny… oh, god, another unimaginative tool who can’t do better than the old ‘fiery death’ cliche… wait. Shit.”

  5. Uncle Lumpy
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    O-e W:

    Fiery death = comedy gold. This is widely known.

  6. Niall
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    3. Uncle Lumpy: I think Mary Worth is just thick, period.

  7. Spk
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    Woah, Mary Worth fought Spider-Man’s Sandman back in the 50′s?

    They really don’t make them like they used to.

  8. Niall
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    If they’re funny to be on the float, shouldn’t we unfunny ones be the ones to throw them chocolate in thanks? Because I have a fair amount left that should be eaten before it goes bad…

  9. Vince M
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Great COTW, buckyswife!
    And holy jeez, that Mary Worth comic book! Is she squaring off against Rip Haywire, or the Muffler Man?

  10. Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
    July 20th, 2009 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mary vs. Randy Tar … sounds like it should be a PPV.

  11. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    I actually thought at one point the rock lyrics guy was talking about Shoe.

  12. Poteet
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    # 8 Niall — Chocolate goes bad?

  13. commodorejohn
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    #12 Poteet – It gets stale, I know.

  14. buckyswife
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    12 Poteet: I think that for some of us, the chocolate doesn’t hang around long enough to go bad. In my house, it somehow seems to disappear before getting stale.

  15. sugarpie
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    What a week for all the winners! Congratulations buckyswife, and funny Rusty and everyone livin’ large on the float!

    None wasn’t funny this week (cf prev. thread).

  16. boojum
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    When chocolate ages, it develops a grayish cast; officially, it “blooms.” What other food would merit a word like that for its past-prime? Chocolate is lovely, even in decay.

    And hey! I’m on the float. Or, more correctly, hanging on by my fingernails, being dragged along by the side of the truly funny.

    Still counts. Throw that chocolate, Niall!!!

  17. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    Thoroughly off-topic, if anyone’s ever wondered where my moniker comes from, here’s my namesake. I’m a pretty crap photographer but I got that one this morning and was happy with it, to say the least.

  18. the angry black woman
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, buckyswife. And OMG I think this is the first time I’ve ever been in the float! yay :) Thanks, Josh.

    I may have to change my name. ‘squeeing black woman’.

  19. Rusty
    July 20th, 2009 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    Wait a minute, I’m a long-time reader of the blog, (4 years now, to be exact) and I don’t recall previous mentions of the Fart Party. The internet beckons.

  20. Poteet
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    # 14 buckyswife — Yeah, same in my house. And even if that were not the case, I now realize that I’ve eaten stale chocolate before. Chocolate is chocolate.

    Also, re your comments on MT and conservation, I responded to your comments at the end of a thread before realizing that the thread was dead. So rather than post it here instead, you could maybe go back to the thread that’s dead. Or just forget the whole thing instead.

    Hey, I feel like Dr. Seuss!

  21. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps the word “great” is applied to Mary Worth in it’s British sense, which usually means ‘big’ but in this case would just mean long-running. Not that it’s been in the newspapers a long time, just that the plots take for-bloody-ever. “One of America’s great newspaper comics, with dirty great plot arcs that involve endless, mangled, multi-panel proverbs. Read how they meddle across the pond!”

    (I have a neighbor that says “dirty great” when she means big. She also says “jolly good” when I accept her offers of tea. She’s rad. Actually, thinking about it, she’s sort of the total antithesis of Mary Worth in every way, which is a commendable quality in friendship.)

  22. Uncle Lumpy
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    #18 abw –

    I think you should at least recapitalize your fine self.

  23. buckyswife
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    #17 One-Eyed Wolfdog—Wow–he’s gorgeous!

  24. McManx
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    #3 – Ha, ha. Well said, Uncle Lumpy.

    Great COTW to all.

  25. buckyswife
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    20 Poteet:
    I went back and read
    The thread
    That was dead.

    Loved your “hormone rollercoaster” (hormonecoaster?) comment. Yeah–I veer wildly among homicidal rage, blazing sarcasm, and wracking sobs. I’m a true delight to be around.

    Where’s the chocolate?

  26. buckyswife
    July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    y107 Katya–Oh, don’t get me wrong; I enforce the rules (and there’s no baton; it’s a whip). But I don’t enforce “rules” that aren’t really rules, and I allow my students to do what real academic writers do—so it’s not some wacky anything-goes let’s-all-freewrite-and-express-what’s-in-our-souls crap.

    And, clearly, I love a good grammar argument. I’m imagining not everyone else does, though, so apologies for continuing over into this thread. I’m done now.

  27. Comrade Denny
    July 20th, 2009 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Yay me! 11th Runner-up! Clearly, I need to poor-mouth myself more.

    Also: The current Mary Worth storyline summarized in one panel.

  28. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2009 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to buckyswife et al. Rusty’s Brad joke made me laugh, despite what I suspect are some unsavory roots.

    So Delilah was trying to escape from Mary’s clutches back in the sixties? Damn! How many times before she breaks the karmic cycle?

  29. Anonymous
    July 20th, 2009 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth comics
    Pick one:
    A) Everyone blushes.
    B) Everyone sunburns only on the cheeks.
    C) Everyone shares make-up backstage.
    D) “There’s No Way Out of Here” David Gilmour.

  30. Muffaroo
    July 20th, 2009 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    Aw, thanks for the ride! My feet were killing me. Chronological order r001z!!1!!MCXI!!

    Archie – Back in the Al Hartley days, Archie took a poke at those silly “meditators” in the story “Everybody Trance.” In their version of the practice, ‘meditating’ meant walking around with a glassy-eyed stare, not quite seeing or hearing other people, and perhaps bumping into objects. It was a foolish thing to do, because the Jesus freaks were already working that side of the street, and anybody whose claims overlapped theirs was a target. Who knew that Archie, born again and saved, would backslide a mere thirty or so years later?

  31. Poteet
    July 20th, 2009 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    # 25 buckswife — I’ve added periods of insanely optimistic enthusiasm to the mix, which causes me to agree/decide to do things I’ll never have time to do.

    Here, have some chocolate, haha! One of the things I’m going to do is run five miles tomorrow, whee! That’ll take care of those *%$#@ calories!!! *sob*

  32. True Fable
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Hooray for buckyswife! Wave and smile, darlin’! You deserve it!

    Meanwhile, back at the snark…

    Fist O Justice Theater WHAT THE HELL?!? What kind of assassin leaves a witness? Damn, Mark Trail is a freakin’ Teflon Hero!
    Here Come De Judge Parker I’m guessing the cup indicates I Heart New York State?
    Canadian Zombie Answer: A hack!
    Meddle House You tell ‘er, Lawrence! Yes sir, there is a man who has never been warped by meddle.
    Margo 3-G It should be no surprise to anyone that Margo resists being blessed.
    The Amazing Wolverine There are so many, many things that bats :[ will be able to do with today’s strip, I am simply giddy with anticipation. :)

  33. Gold-Digging Nanny
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Hurrah to buckyswife and the runners up!

  34. Farley's Revenge
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    Luann: Okay, I didn’t see that one coming. Of course, I didn’t care one way or the other, either, so I guess it really doesn’t matter anyway.

    PBS: Today’s visitor is Mary Worth. It’s like Pastis was channeling our very own Bats.

  35. Farley's Revenge
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    And a big “Woo-hoo!” and all around high fives for the awesome CotW’ers. Excellently funny stuff this week.

  36. Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    Luann: Clumsy girl just told Brad she loves him. Can we see the dwarf Elvis kidnap TJ now?

  37. Ktrout
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    Goodness! I’ve never been on the float before, this is neat. I think I’ll hide bashfully behind my sash and roses.

  38. Mibbitmaker
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    New:

    PBS: Another one from the honorary ‘Mudgeon Pastis.

    A3G: “I need facts, Roger, not a blessing!” We all mourn Walter Cronkite in our own way, Margo.

    BC: “Out, damned Spot!”

    Cleats: Oh, if only Rocky Balboa could see this now — he’d be pissed.

    DtM: Dennis the Mysogynist. Okay, that was alittle harsh, but it’s too perfect for wordplay, so…

    DT: Last panel: Something no Beatle, nor any Beatles associate, would ever say.

    ReFOOB: Trust me, ladies, you don’t want to know!

    GF: You two were right the first time.

    Ghost-Who-Is-Soooooooo-Mysterious: That last panel, but near the end of A Christmas Carol: “(Scrooge,) you said… Bah, Humbug… zzzzzzzz…”

  39. Mibbitmaker
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    7/21 MW: Del is about as decisive as Mitt Romney.

    7/20 MT: It’s amazing! With the wounded guy in Mark Trail’s arms, he does not bleed! And Trail just picks him up and carries him to the hospital. It’s like Mark Trail is a god! And the people of Lost Forrest take that idea to their hearts. They’re practically posessive of him. In fact, just about every time Mark Trail comes by, someone says, “Oh my God!”

  40. Frank Parsnip
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    Congrats to the COTWeekers!

    Pluggers: The look of desperation on the manimal belies the fact that there is no way to tell if this is supposed to be a rabbit or a kangaroo.

    A3G: My guess is that the Nobel Peace Prize is nothing compared to what the Dalai Lama will deserve if he survives a tongue lashing from Margo.

    MW: Lawrence is channelling his inner Full Metal Jacket colonel: “You’ve got a wedding ring on your finger and ‘Born to Fuck’ written on your yellow fishnet pants? Seems like there’s a lot you don’t know! Well, you’d better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.”

    Since we’ve now established that Lawrence is a complete dick, I think we can now revel in Delilah’s next few weeks of scampering around Charterstone in her other ridiculous outfits. I hope she doesn’t just have this one.

    Funky Pantysniffer: What’s with Batiuk trying to make Cindy into something other than the airheadish Miss Popularity she always wanted to be. This is just a bit painful seeing her corner officers and telling them how she’s has been listening to that “back channel intel from the Saudis”, Next, she’ll tell us in fluent arabic that there’s a whole lot of “chatter” going on among her sources in the militias…

    MT: Joey and Mark are driving the jeep in a bizarre sky-blue void. Normally that should be a tip that they’ve just run off a cliff.

    Jugs Parker: In panel 1, Jim’s disguise for doing surveillance on Frankie D’Vito apparently involves a bunch of clip-on dreadlocks.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: Sure you could argue that perhaps letting Mr. Keller dress up every day as an “electrician”, complete with company hat and coveralls wasn’t such a good idea. Or, on the other hand, perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea for a licensed electrician to stop by the Alzheimer’s Enclosure to do repair work on the lighting without remembering to bring proper identification certifying that he’s not one of the patients. Either way, Mr. Keller isn’t going anywhere soon.

    John Cougar Mellonheads: Dolly’s hearing voices from the clocks again? Time to adjust those meds.

    Crankshaft: So the recipe for Crankshaft is going to be 2 parts old depressing invalid to 1 part fresh youthful vigor? I’m sure that Batiuk thinks this ratio will serve to lighten things up by including at least one panel of a likeable young chap. Unfortunately the actual result of comparing the same man’s youth against his decrepitude is simply to make it twice as a depressing.

  41. Dr. Weird
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    FW Once again, I will rage, rage against the dying of the light… I mean, Funky Winkerbean.

    “It’s going to happen soon… before the interim elections.” What does that mean?

    The ones that were in 2004, well before Wally was taken captive? One might remember Iraqis holding up their ink-stained fingers to show they had voted.

    So did the initial government setup in the Funkyverse take an additional ten plus years of counter-insurgency and suicide bombings? From what the information officer says, it sure looks like. That sort of thing has dropped off to nearly nothing since last year in the real world.

  42. LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL
    July 21st, 2009 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    MT: Yesssirree, the best way to get out of Lost Forest without being seen is, wear a bright mustard yellow jacket and stalk around holding your rifle over your head. Nobody will see you.

  43. dyslexic dog
    July 21st, 2009 at 6:40 am [Reply]

    Luann prediction: “If you love somebody, set them free….”

  44. gleeb
    July 21st, 2009 at 6:42 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Now with 100% gag-free padding! Extend your thin plot to the end of the week with genuine Crankshaft!

  45. LP2004
    July 21st, 2009 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    #4 One-eyed Wolfdog – Assuming we go with the ‘fiery death’ option, then your proposed approach to Mary Worth plots would fit perfectly with the classic ‘Cavin & Hobbes’ definition of great entertainment: “Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils”.

  46. LP2004
    July 21st, 2009 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    #45 Okay, that obviously should have been ‘Calvin & Hobbes’.

    More coffee needed.

  47. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 21st, 2009 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow … the conversation continues … on Luann!

    Brad: You do?
    Toni: Very, very much. But as a friend.
    Brad: A friend? Oh. Well, that’s OK. Friendship sometimes has its benefit…
    Toni: Not this one. No benefits.
    Brad: Well, at least you aren’t going back to Dirk!
    Tonil: No. Not per se….
    Brad: Pursey? Like the thing you keep your makeup in?
    Toni: No, sweet, lumpy, dim little boy. I mean I’m not “going back” exactly because I never really left. He’s been banging me on the reg the whole time. Poor sweet, stupid Brad.
    Brad: Can I just go home and rub one out now?
    Toni: Of course. I’ll even help you find the hand cream.

  48. Quantum Mechanic
    July 21st, 2009 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    Re: Crankshaft

    I’m thinking that’s Cranky’s old manager.

  49. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Yay, I’m on the float! And you know what that means! …Yeah, another citation for lewd behavior in public. Damn.

  50. mordock999
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    Today’s Luann — 07/21/09

    Toni just told Brad She LOVES Him!

    Well its ABOUT GOD-Blessed TIME!

    Ya HEAR that TJ, you little shit?

    Get to Packing!

    Your little skinny ass is moving OUT of the Horner House!!!

    _____________________________-

    DEATH to TJ!

  51. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    I’ve been breathlessly (yawn) keeping up-to-date on the recent events (zzzz) in Curtis, as I know that you all have. Curtis is covered head to toe in poison ivy and is trying to milk all the sympathy he can. But wouldn’t being one human rash actually put him in – I don’t know, some degree of pain? The thought of Curtis living for two weeks in burning torment is why I’m reading it, really.

    SM: Ha! If Wolv had any money, he wouldn’t be sleeping on a park bench, you dumbass. What are ya gonna do, threaten to give him a clean shave?

    BC: It’s funny, because burning a dog alive is hilarious!

    Shoe: It’s funny, because our crippling national debt is hysterical!

    Marvin: It’s funny because Marvin is about to be deliberately dropped by his own father and suffer debilitating injury from blunt force trauma!

  52. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Funky: I thought Cindy was going to ask the Lt. some questions. Instead, she’s the one supplying the info. I’d like him to say “Wow, I didn’t know any of that. Thanks….. Wanna fuck?”

    reFoob: I’m going to let everyone else handle “Who ‘writes’ this crap stuff?” It’s a cross between being too easy to dis and too existential to ignore.

    I thought the MW insertion into PBS was a little awkward today. But in the real MW, I’m rootin’ for Lawrence. Yeah, unload on that slutty whore wife of yours! Oh, then ask politely if she’d like to come back.

  53. buckyswife
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    SM: That robber looks awfully thrilled to spot Wolverine. It’s like, “Score! The perfect victim: a burly, tough-looking bum with far more virile hair growth than I have!”

    JP: I love the little detail of Detective Jim’s “I Heart NY” mug. So now we know that besides being a square-jawed lawman, committed to protecting even the most despicable members of society, he’s also a guy who dines at the Times Square TGIFriday’s and anticipates the upcoming revival of Mamma Mia.

    BB—goes all meta on us today. Hence Sarge’s look of befuddlement: “Wait—is that this postmodern stuff I’ve been hearing about? Because I want no part of that!”

    Curtis: That kid’s an unpleasant little shit, isn’t he?

    A3G: Will Margo Magee go down in history as the first person to say, “Fuck the Dalai Lama”?

  54. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Crock of… Yeah, why didn’t that waiter know better than to serve the food that Grossie ordered? Even the damn cook knew that.

    Betty and Mr. Andrews look on, horrified, as Jughead licks the flaming grill. Archie is nonplussed.

    A3G: I’m not a doctor, but I dress like on on A3G!

  55. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Ha ha! Cranky Goes to a Baseball Game and Dies

    It’s the feel-good movie of the summer!

    Gil: Who is Gil gonna call? Ghostbusters?

    Gil needs a police friend like on JP. Send your best men, round the clock surveillance, etc. What does Gil get? One confused chief. “We’ll look into it, but no promises.”

  56. Talking Squirrel
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m confused. Del tells Mary she and Lawrence are on the outs because he’s always trotting off for another speaking tour. Now Lawrence is on the phone asking Del “so, how long will you be gone this time?” [emphasis in original]

    What we have here is a failure to communicate.

    #53 on A3G — nope, because you just were.

  57. Sequitur
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    PBS: The Comics Curmudgeon – Branch Office

  58. Muffaroo
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth Comic – “The game’s afoot!” says Mary, and it’s Yoiks! and Away! for The Clue in the Hurtful Note!

  59. Talking Squirrel
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    #58 Muffaroo “and it’s Yoiks! and Away!”

    So this is the beginning of the Salmon Chase?

    Or, being that Mary’s getting on, if the game goes on too long or is too vigorous, the Salmon P. Chase?

  60. Talking Squirrel
    July 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    And may I add to the thanks for that “Fart Party” link?

    Any site where you can encounter a description such as this one — a catbox smelling “as if Satan had crawled up a cat’s ass and died” — gets two thumbs up from me.

  61. Hank
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    RE: Spider-man. This whole sequence is crossover crazy. First we get Wolverine and now Lex Luthor.

  62. TheDiva
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    My God, I didn’t think it was possible, but Mary was actually scarier back in the day. She looks like she should be wearing a habit and smacking kids’ hands with a ruler in that cover.

    BaBl: If I were you, I would be more concerned about where and when your preschool-aged son learned the phrase “man boobs.”

    MW: Judging by Delilah’s devilish expression in panel 2, this is Lawrence and her’s equivalent of phone sex. Nothing gets them going like the old soap opera roleplay.

    Pluggers think a twenty-pound bag on one hip and a twelve-pound kid on the other counts as “balanced.”

  63. nerowolfgal
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Fist O Justice Theater – Meanwhile the barrels are still leaking toxic gunk and dead animals are draped all over the Lost Forest.

    Not to mention of course Mark’s family LIVE in the Lost Forest and thus are also being poisoned, the effects if not immediately apparent will cause mental problems as well as physical deformities…..hey wait! Just how long have those barrels been there?

  64. Calico
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Since how long has Mary been Barbara Bush’s twin?
    That Comic Book cover scares me.

  65. Poteet
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    PLUGGERS — Plugger Mom abruptly discovers that her new laxative works really, really well.

  66. commodorejohn
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    A3G – I’d say something, but I’m too overcome by sheer Margo-induced glee.

    Archie – yet again manages to make Jughead’s food obsession seem creepy and dirty, as opposed to the presumably intended “comical and amusing.”

    A.D. – See Rat write an English primer for cavemen.

    BBlue – Baby Blues = (Crankshaft + For Better Or For Worse) / 2

    Crankshaft – Well, Baby Blues = (the old Crankshaft + For Better Or For Worse) / 2, anyway. The new Crankshaft = (the worst melodramatic excesses of Charles Dickens + (Funky Winkerbean / 2)) ^ (Momma.)

    DT – Oh God, even the poor elephant is lumpy and malformed.

    FC – “Grandma’s clock is always tick-talking. Do you hear what it says, Jeffy? Good, then you know what you have to do.”

    FW – “I realize you should actually know this already, but I’ve got this exposition, and I’ve got to deliver it to someone, dammit. I tried to get Batiuk to switch our scripts so things would make a little goddamn sense, but he keeps saying that ‘it’s called ‘writing.””

    GA – …wow. You know, Gasoline Alley is really something special, because it is always topping itself. I mean, if you had told me that it could possibly get stupider than that God-damned cat food storyline, I would have laughed in your face…until we started on a sub-par 1920s college romance with hillbillies. Thus it was with the last insufferable imbecility, wherein a diner owner hires Slim, a chronic overeater and the least-qualified person in the world for anything, to fill in as a short-order cook. You couldn’t get stupider than that, right? Well, so it seemed, since we had a brief interlude of not-as-stupid, until we got to the present storyline. This is the absolute dumbest and least interesting plot I’ve ever seen in pretty much any medium.

    GT – You know it’s a classic Gil Thorp strip when your brain stops trying to perceive the backgrounds as anything other than a collection of lines. That’s an interesting porch they have there; was M.C. Escher the architect?

    Luann – “One, I think I’m gay. Two, you’ve got your knee in my junk.”

    MT – Mark Trail isn’t usually a punchline kind of strip, but the colorists have thoughtfully provided one today.

    MW – The frightening thing about this storyline is that Mary is absolutely right in her advice and everybody except Delilah knows it. Probably even Charlie understands what the solution to her problems would be.

    MC – Very nice expressions today. Nice job, Melissa!

    PBS – Rat, you’re a damn quick thinker. Might I suggest nerve gas as a next step?

    SM – Lex Luthor? You’re in the wrong universe, buddy!

    Ziggy – Well, there are a couple shops in the area…oh, wait, is this intended as a joke? Um…because…Japan is inherently humorous, I guess? Okay, but if we’re going to run with that, how about something having to do with Japan and not car repair?

  67. Krankenstein
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Unlike some unfortunate souls, I don’t have a clown phobia. That said, the second panel of Dick Tracy sent shivers down my spine. It’s going to take a lot of vodka to get to sleep tonight.

  68. Poteet
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    S-M — Thank you, Wolverine, for making me feel better about my life. I won’t live for 150 years and I can’t eviscerate my enemies with super-hard knuckle-slashers, but at least I sleep on a mattress.

  69. Chip Whittle
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Thank you for the spot on the float. It has been a long, hard struggle for acceptance here.

    Blondie gets amusingly mean today. These are the sorts of mind games that keep the strip really pretty fresh for an 80-year-old legacy.

    Herb and Jamaal is so funny today because Herb doesn’t expect anyone to show any kind of affection for him, ever. The strip shows there is hope for those who suffer from Ziggy’s Syndrome.

    Oh no! Ballard Street is attacking Spot the Frog! And Spot’s the cuter strip!

    I like vulture characters in comic strips. At least when they’re recurring characters do they ever go wrong? I’m assuming there aren’t Plugger vultures.

  70. TheDiva
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    41 Dr. Weird: I’ve given up trying to figure out the logistics of Funky Winkerbean’s time jump and just assume they live in a dystopian alternate reality, where the actual year is irrelevant because we’ve always been at war with Eastasia Iraq.

  71. queek
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    someone tell TrueFable to read SpeedBump when he gets up. :-D

    GF: I think that these are repeats, but I still laughed at the punchline.

    NS: I’m faintly surprised that Wiley actually listened to all the folks who told him that “Ordinary Basil” was better than his usual work.

  72. Poteet
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    # 69 Chip Whittle — On one hand, I congratulate you on your first float ride, and hope you are enjoying it. Nice work!

    On the other hand, I feel a strong need to assure you that acceptance here is unrelated to float-riding. There are many fine, funny, respected Mudges who have never ridden the float, or ride it only occasionally with months of non-riding in between. Good chortles are appreciated here whether they ride the float or not. Snark on!

  73. Poteet
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    DT — Great. This clown can now join Pennywise in my nightmares. And how the hell old is Bonnie Braids supposed to be? In the past few days, she’s vacillated between second grade and somewhere in her early thirties.

  74. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    7/21

    MT: Yes, naturally the shooter wants to get out of there before anyone sees him. That’s why he wore the electric tangerine disco togs.

    WofI: Someone’s hoping really hard for a Colbert bump.

    BC: I had no idea Perri Hart was a Big Black fan.

    DT: You know, when Dick finally freaks and pumps twenty rounds into the clown, it’s going to be one of the more justified killings he’s done.

    9CL; Cold, menacing, awkwardly-worded sarcasm at that.

    Luann + H&J: Okay. Toni loves Brad. Eula loves son-in-law Herb. So which of these couples are we more likely to see makin’ sweet sweet love tomorrow.

    H&L: Go ahead, Chip. This is the perfect time to give the little snot an impromptu swimming lesson.

    Blondie: She goes on, “And really, I wouldn’t say you’re all that fast. Buddy Holly did some good songs that are about two minutes.”

    M-Dawg: All those athletes, cut down in their prime…

    S-M: Oh look. Howie Mandel is aiming to stick a penknife into the guy with claws who can heal any injury in minutes. Can you handle the suspense?

  75. Professor Fate
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    FW: you have to wonder what is the guy going to say after all this expositon? I would hope “No sorry Cindy you’re wrong – we found Wally Winkerbean hiding under a rock muttering something about cancer and how much better it was here in limbo.”

  76. Uncle Lumpy
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    FW: “It’s called waiting, people!”

  77. Jackuul
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Oh my god, and you thought the Patients in the comics had it bad! Look at this: http://www.boingboing.net/2008/06/05/fake-bus-stop-keeps.html

  78. Darkefang
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: This seems like a pretty dismal plotline. Is Tom Batiuk writing for Rex Morgan now?

  79. UncleJeff
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    66: Commodore John: You forgot the Slim/basketball players/insomnia/meteor solution plot line.
    HOW COULD YOU FORGET THE FREAKING METEOR AND THE CHOPPER PILOT OH GOD GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

  80. Niall
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Poteet: Click my name for a link, with image, of what chocolate _can_ go “bad”, as in the ingredients may not be fresh anymore. I like to share too much, I don’t eat it much, hoping to find someone local to partake with… Obviously I’m not trying hard enough. My version of chocolate is a bit different than most have access to. I have a friend who said that twice now, I have cured, as in obliterated, his major headache with proper and careful application of a few different quarter-squares of quality dark chocolate. Gone. Completely. Coffee doesn’t do that. (Go go power theobromine!)

    17. One-eyed wolfdog: That’s a wonderful picture, and a wonderful canine! I admit I had wondered about the moniker, as “one-eyed” can sometimes have a certain… connotation. Though usually with the slithering sort.

    27. Comrade Denny: the runners-up are all in chronological order of appearance, actually… so everyone’s equal!

    31. Poteet: dark chocolate doesn’t have as many calories…

    38. Mibbitmaker: I don’t recall a Beatles reference in the last panel of Dick Tracy. That’s because I took one glance, screamed and shielded my eyes from The Horror of the Last Panel. (No, really, I did. That thing scares me.)

    49. Naked bunny with a whip: I know far too many people who would give you a citation for that, in the awards sense… :)

    52. Hogenmogen: You had to use the phrase “MW insertion”, didn’t you? Ow, my inner eye!

    67. Krankenstein: you thought the clown today was bad? I saw it last Sunday when it was in colour. Ten times worse. That’s why I screamed this morning: flashback.

    (I was given for my fourth birthday – or third, I obviously wouldn’t remember) a small clown play figure, plush but with a solid face and long nose ending with a red ball. It was guaranteed unbreakable by small children. I was never strong, especially in the upper body area. I took one look at it, grimaced, and effortlessly yanked the ball off the clown and threw both on the ground in disgust. My mother had trouble convincing the store a child had really done that, and not an adult. She did get her money back. I’ve never liked clowns like that. But I have liked the proper, more European clowns that actually do something silly in more subtle ways, such as the french-Canadian kids’ show Sol et Gobelet. They played with language in the most wonderful ways.)

    77. Jackuul: without even clicking the link, I can tell someone mentioned that a couple of threads ago.

  81. Niall
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Snarkag:

    Marmaduke makes no bloody sense with all the sports equipment. A “four-letter dog”? A fuck dog? Your wife certainly thinks so; maybe Mr. Hitler knows too and is now resigned. A shit dog? Oh, boy, does he ever know. Sadly, so do we.

    Oh, and today’s Pluggers is a repeat – I distinctly remember the bad pun from last year or so. It may even have been in the Year-End Best Of review. So why is there no “Pluggers Classics”? I should check out the first time it appeared here (I think Josh even talked about it) and see if the requester’s name matches or not, but… I don’t spend that much effort on Pluggers.

  82. UncleJeff
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    OK OK (deep breath)
    Love Is: getting a sext from your boyfriend and finding the picture is not you or the boyfriend.

  83. Niall
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Uh, “snarkage” is what I meant, but as above, it’s not bad.. gulag, snarkag.. we’re all prisoners of the funny pages. Except willing ones. :)

    82. UncleJeff: Still not enough to make me look! In fact, every Love Is description is enough to make me stay away.

  84. mav
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Way to go, Brad. Your dreams are coming true, AND YOU STILL CAN’T SHUT YOUR FRIGGING MOUTH ABOUT DIRK!

  85. commodorejohn
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    #79 UncleJeff – I didn’t forget, I was just trying to avoid reminding anybody.

  86. Gold-Digging Nanny
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Archie: What would Shiva Jughead do? Now, we know.

    Foob: The answer you’re looking for is, “A total hack.”

    PBS: Ha ha ha!

  87. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Here it is almost one pm Eastern Standard Time and no one has commented yet one Alex? I mean, this is Alex Doonesbury here — she’s in bed with her boy friend! In a family newspaper! They aren’t married!

    I mean, I am glad for both of them, but still!

  88. Krankenstein
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    #80 Niall: In colour you say? Suddenly I’m glad the Chron is too cheap to spring for the weekend comics. On the downside, now I know what will be waiting for me when I wake up in Hell.

  89. Raul
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Luann July 21, 2009: Brad… I love you.
    Translation: Congratulation, you have been hoosen to bemy personal lovetoy.
    Now you must be asking yourself why, after all this time.The reason is that I haven’t been able to find a real MAN. So far, all I’ve attracted are self absorbed fools who actually think they can use me. Believe me, no one uses me.
    Since I personally find it unseemly, that I a hot, young, slim and athletic woman, would need to use a mechanical device to obtain gratification,
    I decided to use you instead.
    Eventhough I’m quite certain you have no experience, at least with another person, and there is no need to worry about acquirinq any diseases, you will still be required to obtain embarrassing and potentially painful
    medical examinations. Better to be safe than sorry.
    Now you probably wondering what you will be gaining from this temporary arraignment, and believe me, it will be temporary. Other than the obvious, there’s the opportunity not to embarrass yourself in front of your future wife.
    (laughter…more laughter, still more laughter)
    Sorry where was I, oh yes. Your future wife, the homely, pudgy, 40ish library assistant who so desperate to capture any semblance of manflesh before her biological clock explodes that, well, she chooses you. There really isn’t more to say on this subject.
    Oh by the way, get use to this position. It will be the one we will be using,
    unless I decide to use another.
    End Translation.

  90. Muffaroo
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lame – “Well, was it more exciting with the nun?”
    “Hey, it’s always hotter when we’re being glared at by a hideous authority figure.”
    “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
    “Charterstone, here we come!”

    BBlues – First use of “man-boobs” in the newspaper strips? Hey, anybody remember when things like this were mildly interesting?

    Cshaft – If this is leading somewhere, I hope it’s the “Music Box Steps” on Vendome Street in LA.

    DTracy – Aha! We finally see the real villain of this sequence — it’s “Trunkface” and his sidekick, “Torso Girl.”

    FCircus – “Ninety years without slumbering… tick tock, tick tock… His life seconds numbering…” Jeffy remained silent, knowing that if she was disturbed at any point, she would return, like a wasp in a science experiment, to the beginning and sing the whole damned thing again.

    GAlley – And meanwhile, the real preacher they’re waiting for is where? Dead in a ditch? Joyriding in Nogood’s car? Can we have my storyline where he has to perform a marriage for the Byrds?

    HtHorrible – Lucky Eddie: not a Tartar.

    ? = … – …realizing that your cell phone makes a dandy vibrator.

    MTrail“That takes care of Mr. Williams… Now I’ve got to get out of these woods before anyone sees me!” Time for Rusty to traipse into the scene with his camera. “Hey, Mister, is that a real gun? Does it shoot real bullets? My dad had a gun once. It was loud! Is your gun loud? Can I take your picture? I like taking pictures. This one guy offered me $500 for my camera!…”

    Popeye – I take it the vine it came off of is the weed of crime! More or less.

    Id – I found this to be amusing. [That's all. I leave the "God, what's happening to me?" and "I can't believe I just spent 10.6 seconds thinking about this!" jokes to others.]

    Zits – I have an idea for something else they can do with a rolling donut!

    Chip Whittle @69 – Congratulations, and… acceptance? Oh, no, you don’t understand. Now that you’re on the float, everybody hates you. But good job anyway.

    I kid. I’m a kidder!

    ps – Happy birthday to my dear wife, Cathy. Enjoy the rice cooker!

  91. bats :[
    July 21st, 2009 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    78. Darkefang re RMMD: I agree. Yes, it is a dismal subject, and really, I have no idea how to “perk it up,” as with MRSA or whacked-out felons or shipboard illnesses.
    While I really prefer mashing Rex (you’re alone on a desert island with only PhotoShop and one comic strip…), until we know if the Morgans’ landed safely in Piratesofthecaribbeanland, I’m stickin’ with Mary, and Delilah’s getting stuck, apparently…
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3743424642/sizes/o/

  92. boojum
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Little A: Plus ça change… Long before now, Alex’s mom and grandmom have forged relationships, uh, without benefit of clergy. Even more shocking, none of them has yet developed cancer or hysterical blindness. Readers who would be offended by such behavior in any other strip probably, by now, see it in Doonesbury and sigh, “Hummmpf. There they go again! Straight to H-e-double-hockeysticks.”

    Around here, most folks probably agree with your take on it. We rarely snark on Doonesbury, anyway. Must have something to do with its enviable street cred — and, in my opinion, its consistent excellence.

  93. Raul
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Luann July 21, 2009: Brad… I love you.
    Translation: Congratulation, you have been choosen to be my personal lovetoy.
    Now you must be asking yourself why, after all this time. The reason is that I haven’t been able to find a real MAN. So far, all I’ve attracted are self absorbed fools who actually think they can
    use me. Believe me, no one uses me.
    Since I personally find it unseemly, that I a hot, young, slim and athletic woman, would need to use a mechanical device to obtain gratification,
    I decided to use you instead.
    Eventhough I’m quite certain you have no experience, at leastwith another person, and there is no need to worry about acquirinq any diseases,
    you will still be required to obtain embarrassing and potentially painful medical examinations. Better safe than sorry.
    Now you probably wondering what you will be gaining from this temporary arraignment, and believe me, it will be temporary. Other than the obvious, there’s the opportunity not to embarrass yourself in front of your future wife.
    (laughter…more laughter, still more laughter)
    Sorry where was I, oh yes. Your future wife, the homely, pudgy, 40ish library assistant who so desperate to capture any semblance of manflesh before her biological clock explodes that, well, she chooses you.
    There really isn’t more to say on this subject.
    Oh by the way, get use to this position. It will be the one we will be using,
    unless I decide to use another.
    End Translation.

  94. Krankenstein
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Today’s installment is even worse than usual. I think XKCD said it best. Yuck.

  95. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    #53 buckyswife

    A3G: Will Margo Magee go down in history as the first person to say, “Fuck the Dalai Lama”?

    I think Deng Xiaoping beat her to that one.

  96. Dingo
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    A thought to cheer the cockles of your heart: the elderly man in the wheelchair is none other than Blandthony, failed and dejected after the death of dear Liz and the pornstar murder-decapitation of Francoise. Enjoy.

  97. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @ #94 – Krankenstein

    I was waiting for someone to link to that XKCD strip!

    It really does capture the whole feel of this Brad/Toni saga. “Hey, guys! Did you ever want to land a hottie Mary Sue type that is WAY out of your league? Well, it can be done, despite your total lack of attractive physical or mental attributes! Here’s how!! Just mope around after her for years, catering to her every whim without ever making any overt romantic moves toward her. Let her see you as that sweet guy who is probably gay because he never makes a move on you, and never seems to date or even talk about other women. Eventually, your big chance will materialize! Maybe a bad breakup will leave her devastated! Maybe you will be able to console her over the loss of a loved one! If you are super lucky, you may get the chance to save her life (or at least to be injured while preventing her from hurting herself). And, then – BAM! Pity sex! If you play your cards right, you may get months and months of pity sex before she tires of you and cheats on you with someone she actually finds attractive!”

  98. Gold-Digging Nanny
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    82 — Uncle Jeff, you are a cruel, cruel man for making me go check out Love Is.

    78 Darkefang — Damn straight. And I just started doing daily Rex Morgan mockage on my Twitter feed. You have no idea how hard it was to come up with something to say on Sunday’s strip.

    80 Niall –Those chocolates are gorgeous.

    66 commodorejohn — ^ Momma! Ha ha ha!

    55 Hogenmogen — In defense of Milford’s finest, I wouldn’t exactly be making a baseball in a mailbox and a little vandalism my top priority either. Whereas all you have to do is look at the shape of Dvito’s word balloons to know he means real trouble.

    51 Hogenmogen — BC is dead to me. Like it wasn’t bad enough that the setup to yesterday’s “joke” is that Curls thinks myopic women are stupid. I’m extremely nearsighted. Now torturing animals is supposed to be drop-dead hilarious! Ha ha! WHERE’S MY PITCHFORK?

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    #86 Gold Digging Nanny,
    “Shiva Jughead”? Oh, well said, madam! Well said indeed!

  100. Old School Allie Cat
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Shaftgate, Day 2 – I really don’t know where to go with this. I have a lot of hostility toward Batuik. He doesn’t understand my hostility towards him. If it’s actually C’shaft in the chair, it’s very sad and Batuik is manipulative asshole. If this is all a dream or a timefuck or something, then Batuik is a hack and a manipulative asshole. Either way, it sucks.

    Luann – As a long time Boni (Brad+Toni) ‘shipper, I’m delighted. Of course, Brad’s stiffy will inevitably deflate tomorrow when he learns that Cousin Shannon is really Toni’s kid. Cue trombone “waaah waaaah waaaaaaaah”.

    Doonesbury From a pragmatic standpoint, where is Alex going to stay other than Toggle’s bed? He lives in a trailer – so, “the guest room” isn’t really an option. From an equally pragmatic standpoint, of *course* he’s hitting that.

  101. Gold-Digging Nanny
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    99 Thank you, AfkaBen!

  102. Krankenstein
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    #97 – Calvin’s Cardboard Box: I’d have a lot more respect for this strip (as in, never snark it ever again) if Brad and Toni date, and Brad discovers he’s not that into Toni after all. He then goes on to date someone else (male or female – I don’t care which) with whom there is a mutual attraction from the get go. He lives happily ever after, Toni learns a valuable lesson about pity sex, and so on.

    Of course, this would never happen, as it seems Evans would like to rewrite his adolescence into something ‘better’.

  103. Imperturbe
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Even in the 1950′s, exactly WHO bought a Mary Worth comic book?

  104. Rob
    July 21st, 2009 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    SF- Wow I knew coaching a bunch of pre-teen girls would age you, but I had no idea it would happen so fast.

    seriously his hair goes from colored to white in one panel

  105. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    #103 – My guess would be well-intentioned but clueless old people who thought they were buying a kid a nice gift.

  106. Perky Bird
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    # 103 Impertube–

    I bet the drugstore and malt shop owners hated those gangs of white-haired old ladies who stood around and read the latest Mary Worth comics, got grimy BenGay fingerprints all over the pages, and never bought a thing!

  107. Amateur
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    PBS: Okay, now Pastis is TRYING to get featured on this blog. Don’t tell me that wasn’t a deliberate (and hilarious) appeal to the Curmudgeon.

    And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Jack Elrod was trying to do the same thing.

    The real MW: Speaking of deliberate, I’ve decided they’re trying to make us hate every single person in this scenario. Who needs someone to root for? Equal-opportunity loathing for all!

  108. Baka Gaijin
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    I saw this in the grocery store tonight. It reminded me to check in. Great comments COTWers!

  109. commodorejohn
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    #103 Impertube – Probably a future me who time-traveled to the 1950s.

  110. Jym
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    =v= MT (21-Jul-2009): Do we have moustache? Do we? Or is that just a slight little Hitleresque shadow beneath the nose?

  111. ignatz
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    When did Mary Worth stop looking like such a battle axe?

  112. queek
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    87: I commented on that yesterday, but its probably y2 or y3 threads ago now. (and what boojum said in 92)

    104: Ted’s turning into a White Haired Pretty Boy perhaps?

  113. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    #102 – Krankenstein

    Yes, I agree. Realistic ends to this relationship would include Brad finding that the fantasy doesn’t live up to the reality or Toni leaving him for someone she is attracted to. Both could be worked into the storyline easily, due to the fact that Toni really has no backstory except for her Mary Sue attributes. Brad learning that the “cousin” is really Toni’s child with Dirk could really lead to some interesting developments.

    However, my money is on a few more strips of wish fulfillment, then back to Waiting For Quill. The next time we see Brad ‘n Toni it will be back to almost-normal except with 20% more pecks on the cheek.

  114. Mooncattie
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    #91 bats:[ Yikes, I’ve got competition! Time to bring out the big guns…“Ahem…My car’s paid for!”

  115. Gypsymoth
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    DT: New villian – L. L’efant?

  116. TheDiva
    July 21st, 2009 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    97 et al.: For me, the past couple days of Luann read like the fantasies of the self-proclaimed “nice guys” that I’ve met. Not actual nice guys like Mr. Diva, but the ones with absolutely no social skills, questionable hygiene, and obscene humor, who assume their lack of dating success is all the fault of women who “just don’t appreciate nice guys like me.” I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Evans is going for, but it still sits wrong with me. With luck, by the end of the week we’ll learn Brad’s fall knocked him unconscious and the whole thing was a dream.

  117. mvg
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    (103) “Even in the 1950’s, exactly WHO bought a Mary Worth comic book?”

    My guess would be Roy Cohn, along w/some Ben-Gay because he “enjoyed the burn.”

  118. bats :[
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    108. Baka Gaijin: O. M. G.

    103. Imperturbe: probably the same people who bought these gems:
    http://snarkitupfuzzball.nexiliscom.com/?p=2762

  119. boojum
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    114 Mooncattie: Oh, I don’t think there’s any question of competition, as in “one winner will be selected.” Delilah’s tastes are more… catholic. Mangetout. Gargantuan. Treat her loving like the roller coaster ride it is: exhilarating and terrifying, but not meant to last.

  120. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    I have to crack up every time I see that Mary Worth comic. First, you know it probably goes for big bucks on eBay. Second, I just LOVE the (lack of) layout. To the left, a woman sobs into a blank page where her heart used to be. Behind her, a muscular man points accusingly as if to say “See, didn’t I tell you that you could get a parking ticket by stopping there?” In front of it all, we get the haggardly visage of Mary Worth’s bust peering over her shoulder with a hint of malice towards the angry man. “As soon as I meddle this young lady back to good spirits, I’ll meddle the shit out of you, boy! Then we’ll see who’s sobbing and who gets to finger thrust!”

    Seriously, as evidenced by Superdickery.com, even the laziest of Superman comic covers had some semblance of a plot presented, no matter how lame or utterly demented it appeared.

  121. Sequitur
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    We shall soon see an exterminator come to Charterstone because Mary saw a rat.
    Mary’s next treat at the tenant’s party will be pork squares.

  122. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    #111 – ignatz – “When did Mary Worth stop looking like such a battle axe?”

    Never.

    Seriously? Did you really mean to ask?

  123. boojum
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    bats:[ @ 118 — Hey, wait a minute! BOTH Mary Worth and Rex Morgan are labeled “One of America’s great newspaper comics”?

    You keep using that word. I do not believe it means what you think it means.

  124. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s C’shaft – today!

    Panel 1: Chipper and slightly plump nurse says something that belies the stench of decaying old guy that must surround her.

    Panel 2: A brief glimpse into the dying mind of a wizened old man, remembering when he was young, happy, and not in such pain.

    Panel 3: The grim spectre of death is so present it stifles even the perky nurse’s speech. Birds do not chirp. A dog moans one last gasp then passes from this life into the next.

    Ha ha ha ha ha! Ed, you silly Crank!

  125. Perky Bird
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s face on that comic book–I knew it looked familiar. She’s one of the mysterious ghost faces of Belmez, Spain!

  126. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Baby Blues: Can you grow a beard without a chin?

  127. Hogenmogen
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    Assoline Galley: When the real preacher finally gets there, I say Upton offers him a deal. Upton gets to keep the preacher’s gig and the preacher goes off with the boobsy woman to commit low level theivery.

  128. Krankenstein
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    #127 – Hogenmogen: You know, if this Gasoline Alley is supposed to be selling religion, they’re not doing a very good job. Based on my admittedly desultory reading of the comic for the last week or two, the choices appear to be either a) be religious and read your bible, or b) remain a heathen and boink your lush and willing partner. I know which one I’d choose.

  129. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 21st, 2009 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @116 TheDiva

    Oh, it is absolutely a self-proclaimed “nice guy” fantasy sequence. The only question is whether Evans knows this.

    I guess I should say some thing positive on the subject, so here is something positive on the subject: http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02142004.shtml

  130. Satin
    July 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    128 Krankenstein
    The Gates of Hell welcome you.

  131. Amateur
    July 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    #92 — Oh, I think Doonesbury sucks on a regular basis these days. It’s just that (1) I’ve pretty much given up reading it, and (2) even if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t be worth starting a brawl over. I come here for the jokes, not the politics.

  132. buckyswife
    July 21st, 2009 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    91 bats :[ –Gah—a conversation about Doin’ Delilah combined with that particular collection of males = a mental sexual scenario that will require brain bleach, a little lye, and maybe a blow torch to adequately erase it from my poor, scathed mind.

  133. Dr. Weird
    July 21st, 2009 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    87 Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball –

    Yes, Alex and Toggle getting it on was a pleasant surprise… though I’m surprised Alex was able to move that fast, being a virginal nerd and all.

    Of course, doesn’t Toggle live with his mother in that trailer? Maybe they are just bunking together.

  134. seismic-2
    July 21st, 2009 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    In the Blackhat other-world Crankverse, Crank is slumped in the wheelchair that has held his comatose body ever since the tragic batting-practice accident of thirty years ago . In this version of events, Crank was a minor-league coach on the verge of being called up to a job in the majors when an aspiring rookie beaned him with a fungo that rendered him a vegetable from then on out. With Crank now on his deathbed, the psychic energy that has been bottled up in his comatose shell for the past thirty years is starting to vent itself in Carrie-like revenge on the hotshot would-be rookie who bopped Crank with the ball to the noggin. Young fellow named “Gil” something or other.

    Athough seemingly brain-dead, the psychically charged Crank still dreams of his days playing ball, and in the final one, he steps into the batter’s box, and the catcher removes his mask. There is another mask underneath it. Crank and the catcher begin to tango.

  135. Katya
    July 21st, 2009 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    #26 — buckyswife:

    Ooh, toss that intimidating word “academic” out there (italicized, no less), and expect me to whimper helplessly, roll over and play dead. Ain’t gonna happen (a bit of literary license there — see, I can get out from under the “rules” when it’s appropriate).

    I’d love it if you’d explain to poor, uneducated me exactly what a “real, academic writer” might be. Really.

    I’m not trying to start a fight here, and I would like to see this whole stupid thing end, too. (Remember, also, that we’re both from Northern California, right? That’s gotta count for something!)

    Also, I did say it yesterday, but I think on a different thread, so I’ll say it again (hey, it can’t be said too often):

    Sincere congratulations on your Comment of the Week!

    I really hope we’re still on good terms on your end; we are on mine. :)

  136. Katya
    July 21st, 2009 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    Josh,

    Why, why did you start all this stuff yesterday?

    I wanna get back to the comics (read: the important things)! :)

    Katya

  137. Poteet
    July 21st, 2009 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    # 80 Niall — Holy moly. I deeply bow. You are even farther up in the chocolate stratosphere than I had realized. I hope you do find someone local and worthy of sharing the really really good stuff.

  138. tymime
    July 22nd, 2009 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    Well, after e-mailing this to you twice, and receiving no response of any kind after several weeks, I’m going to see if posting this here will get any attention. Because I really do believe you’ll enjoy this:
    http://www.collectmad.com/madcoversite/missing_strips.html
    In 1964, Mad magazine apparently asked several comic strip artists to draw what sort of strip they’d really like to do. With the exception of Charles Schulz, all of them are pretty jokey.
    But I think the real highlight here is the freakish midget Mary Worth punching a bespectacled Charlie Brown clone in the nose.

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