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Icky, icky love

Judge Parker, 12/13/05

There have been plenty of vile romances in the soap opera strips over the past few years, but the clumsy flirting in this strip is ickier than most. The ape-faced Judge Parker Jr. clearly believes that his clever chopstick gambit marks him out as a definite señor smoothie. Meanwhile, I can’t decide if April in panel three is supposed to be gazing dreamily at our crimson-oversized-sweatshirted lothario (and setting him up for the weird eye-gouging fetish he’s going to have to deal with in their inevitable post-married life) or just bored beyond comprehension (and thinking of jabbing herself with pointy things just to stay awake).

Incidentally, I know it’s just terrifically overdone shadowing, but the poor girl looks like she has more hair on her hands than Wilbur Weston.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 at 02:34 am and is filed under Judge Parker.

61 responses to “Icky, icky love”

  1. Beaker
    December 14th, 2005 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    I wanna grow a señor smoothie moustache like in the third panel! Oh wait, that’s just shadowing too.

    Oh, and first.

  2. Kaliflower
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    Today in Judge Parker the flirting only gets more blatant. I formally nominate, ‘Work them like a claw, and call me Randy’ as the out of context quote of the week. And if only Cafe Press sold fetish gear, I’d nominate it for some sort of gimp like bondage leather hood.

  3. John Everett
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:13 am [Reply]

    I just said “Work them like a claw, and call me Randy” to the Mrs, which only earned a “what?”

  4. Leo
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:09 am [Reply]

    Are there really still people in the world who can’t use chopsticks?

  5. Leo
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:10 am [Reply]

    Also, apparently she’s a “Klutz”, which I’m assuming means that she has read at least one book on how to juggle.

  6. dahlian
    December 14th, 2005 at 5:10 am [Reply]

    I like how today’s Curtis goes through extra pains to remind us of a characters tragic loss.

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20051214&name=Curtis

  7. Frank Drackman
    December 14th, 2005 at 6:21 am [Reply]

    He should ask her if she would like the “Kum of Sum Yung Gai”..thats hot how she calls him Mr. Parker…I like that

  8. mooselet
    December 14th, 2005 at 6:49 am [Reply]

    I can’t use chopsticks! There, I’ve said it. What a load off my chest. I’ve tried, I really have – we have a lot of Asian food here and get real chopsticks, not just the wooden ones. Still can’t do it. I had to get “training” chopsticks for home – they’re attached at the top. Sad, but true.

    I find our proto-stud’s blue hair, super smooth face and squinty eyes very distracting, not to mention creepy. And April’s boobs are far too pointy – worse than Mama Zit’s. Never mind the chopsticks, those will poke someones eye out.

  9. mako
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    The transparent doves are now piloting a small transparent plane. Hm.

  10. Chawunky
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Maybe she’s just trying to figure out how (or whether) she should bring up the two takeout boxes he’s smashing with his right arm.

  11. yellojkt
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    I bet Randy always adds the words “in bed” to every fortune cookie saying.

  12. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Oh, please let that plane be a terrorist-piloted crop duster, on its way back from an anthrax mission over Charterstone and about to smack into the office building. Please, puh-leeeze.

  13. blueeyes
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    It occurred to me the other day that Baldo probably got mugged by Curtis’ friend Tuffy…

  14. Dennis Jimenez
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I’m trying to come up with something built around “poke” “stick” and styrofoam “clam” but I’m drawing a blank.

  15. Kristen
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    In Sally Forth, Sally’s co-worker is now sneaking food from the company Christmas party into her purse. I think even Sally was taken aback. She couldn’t think of one of those sly remarks that make her mouth go heart-shaped. Must be like the first time ever.

  16. Kris
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    look i think this is so gay it aint even funny

  17. MotoMike
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Kaliflower, you beat me to it, but I can second “Work them like a claw, and call me Randy”. It validated my reading Judge Parker.

    Well … close.
    On another note, Get Fuzzy; thumbs up, especially the “Ohhh, sorry! … blocked by France!” line and “Chats sans Frontiers!”. More gear-worthy sweatshirt mottos.

  18. ISBN
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Ew, ew, ew. I mean really. Try to picture yourself being wooed by this tool! What if she had said she DID know how to use chopsticks? “Hmm…” Mr. Parker would have thought, “What now? A-ha!”

    “April, do you know how to do the crab walk? I do! I do! Wanna learn?”

    And that “call me Randy,” line… *shudder*

  19. pengoons
    December 14th, 2005 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    As long as nominations for curmudgeon gear slogans are open, how about today’s Sally Forth: “Can you slip that salmon into it for me?” I mean, that’s dialogue.

  20. katzy
    December 14th, 2005 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    actually if this is icky love, then will some one explain to me how the 12/14/05 garfield comic could be considered? I mean “self-service”? that just conjures bad imagery, but coming from Garfield just makes it that much worse.

    And yes the woman in panel three has hands just as hairy as senor smoothie–they’re a perfectly disgusting match.

  21. Dark Star
    December 14th, 2005 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Talk about Icky love. Todays’ strip (12/14) has Randy giving April lessons on giving a hand job. “Use it like a claw… and call me Randy”

    Randy indeed!!!

  22. Dark Star
    December 14th, 2005 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    BTW I saw this romance coming down Broadway a month ago. He can’t bang a co-worker, but now that April’s leaving to join the CIA, he’s going to hit it. That whole engagement breakup from the cult leader was a plot device to allow Randy to get some rebound stank on his down low.

  23. Archivalist
    December 14th, 2005 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Nice to see Nina Blackwood’s back from retirement.

  24. golfwidow
    December 14th, 2005 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    [Judge Parker] Junior’s obviously confused “chopsticks” with “songs by Styx” as an effective flirtation device.

  25. King Folderol
    December 14th, 2005 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    I can’t decide if April in panel three is supposed to be gazing dreamily at our crimson-oversized-sweatshirted lothario (and setting him up for the weird eye-gouging fetish he’s going to have to deal with in their inevitable post-married life) or just bored beyond comprehension (and thinking of jabbing herself with pointy things just to stay awake).

    I have a third theory. She looks like she has an IQ of about 40 and can barely function in the world. I suspect she’d say the same thing about forks just as much as chopsticks, and her “not really, the man in the restaurant just threw them in the bag” response doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence on my part. It’s not a total non-sequitor, but it’s close. Replace “chopsticks” with a number of other words, and you’ll see how dumb her response sounds. “Do you know how to read a receipt, April?” “Not really, the man just threw it in the bag.” Well, gee, I wasn’t BORN knowing how to read a receipt, but I somehow figured it out at some point along the way. Maybe it’s a lame pickup line, but Judge Parker Jr. seems to be painted into quite an uncomfortable corner. I don’t know what he could say that wouldn’t sound dumb. The only appropriate response would be for him to slowly back away or say nothing, and that wouldn’t make for much of a third panel – though April could say the same thing, given my already low opinion of her intelligence.

  26. Endoplasmic Reticulum
    December 14th, 2005 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    In today’s Mark Trail, the burly sheriff of Swampville expresses frustration at not having the man power to track down the area dog thieves.

    Must be all that time spent arresting moonshiners and chasing down truancy cases.

    I think Andy’s had it this time.

  27. Tracibub
    December 14th, 2005 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    What the heck is she worried about getting poked in the eye with chopsticks for? I’ll bet she’s had TONS of other stuff in here eye, and it looks okay to me.
    And I do love the “Elvis Squint” in the second pannel.
    “Call me Randy”…what a terrible come on line. Eesh. If any guy said that to me, he’d find out a chop stick up his urethra….

  28. John James Audubon
    December 14th, 2005 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    In addition to her large hairy hand in panel 3, April has oddly nonexistent shoulders.
    And the windows seem to look out on the same underwater universe we saw in the MW post from today.

  29. MotoMike
    December 14th, 2005 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    Re: #26 “I think Andy’s had it this time.”
    I agree. Them St. Bernards make a heap o’ good eatin’ out her in Deee – liverancLand! Hyuck hyuck ….

  30. Mary Brandt
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    I, too, felt that she was suffering from some kind of weird gorilla-hair affliction. Perhaps it’s just some sort of a glove-type thing, for some…uh…gorilla…fetish…or something.

    More importantly, it looks as though she’s a tad late with her warnings of eye gouging. In panel two, the ol’ Randy Claw’s awkward wink resembles something more along the lines of a stabbed eye. Perhaps he just got some pepper in it…who knows?

    -MB

  31. Luban
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy
    WorkthemlikeaclawandcallmeRandy

    There, I got *that* out of my system…

  32. Ces
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    “As long as nominations for curmudgeon gear slogans are open, how about today’s Sally Forth: ‘Can you slip that salmon into it for me?’ I mean, that’s dialogue.”

    Oh, Christ. I didn’t even think of how that sounded. Oh, well. Nice little comic strip writing gig I had once.

  33. rich
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Frankly, I’m quite relieved he’s moved on, from that freak-ass cult leader to cutie April. Keep your 9CL Eddas, I’d take April anyday, hairy arms and all.

  34. Dennis Jimenez
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    JP – I’m new to this strip. So, his name is Randy? I was thinking he was using it in the English (think Austin Powers) sense – call me a horn-dog.

  35. King Folderol
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    #26 – Good call. The sheriff talks about dognappers operating in the area. It still seems like a dumb idea to me, but Jack Elrod has apparently created an alternate universe where criminals don’t deal in drugs or stolen electronics or black market babies but…um…

    Dogs.

    Dogs!

    Does anyone else catch the faulty reasoning here? If two guys in overalls were running around with a big tranquilizer gun kidnapping dogs, wouldn’t it be pretty easy to spot? How many “resources” do you really need to pick these dognapping morons out of a lineup? If there’s more than one set of dognappers, is there going to be some sort of gangland war where rival Redneck gangs have some sort of weird turf war? Is this the rabbit hole down which Mark Trail is falling? Am I wrong? There’s really no other place for this story to go…is there?

  36. Islamorada Girl
    December 14th, 2005 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    But, but–sputter–y’all aren’t paying any attention to the decor in Randy’s high retro, Hugh Hefner style, groovy bachelor f*ck pad! Those Swedish modern sofas, that granite fireplace where he can roast an ox, that hideous liver shaped coffee table, the Leroy Neiman “art” on the walls. Somewhere, just out of sight, you know there’s a bedroom with a huge round bed and a mink throw. It’s like one of those Rock Hudson-Doris Day movies, only this one takes place in interior design hell.

  37. philip
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    Add to April’s hairy hands and no shoulders: eyebrows so thick they grow over her bangs.
    She is one sexy beast — if you find women who are working their way back from severe head trauma sexy.

  38. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Alice from Sally Forth not only likes salmon, but if the liner comes off then it will have lovely toppings of lipstick and a scent of fresh tampons with a hint of peppermint gum. Sounds delicious!!!

    Oh god!! The plane from MW is going to crash into Jane’s office. Who’s in the plane?! Black haired lady that wants to hook-up with Josh? Hitman hired by Josh? The suspense! Imagine all the meddling that will occur!

    So…why didnt you just move out of the way, Jane?

    I WAS ON THE 14th FRICKEN FLOOR, MARY YOU ANNOYING MEDDLING BITCH BAG!!

    Then white ominous box appears in last panel “Always do on to others as you would like done to you” as Mary walks with a happy look on her face, and Jane is the background holding that groovy looking lamp from yesterday’s panel with an angry look on her face.

  39. yellojkt
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    Salmon: The other pink meat.

    I think we have a new euphemism for “roadside”.

  40. Tommyp
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW-12/14/05-panel 2

    Eddie gives “Yodeling in the Canyon” new meaning…

  41. Sassy_Rocks
    December 14th, 2005 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Law enforcement figures in Lost Forest are impotent and incompetent to a fault. They are never any help at all in preventing crime or apprehending evil criminals. They inevitably end up turning cases over to Mark Trail and his mail tampering, property trespassing, aggravated assault style of vigilante justice. In fact they’d rather whine about their lack of resources than even ask Mark Trail for details of the dognapping like what his dog was doing running around leash-less outside while Mark Trail chilled in his hotel room. I think Sheriff is more concerned with his glazed donut resources…

  42. Zorba the Geek
    December 14th, 2005 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    #32: “Oh, Christ. I didn’t even think of how that sounded. Oh, well. Nice little comic strip writing gig I had once.”

    Ces, we know that you wrote that line in all innocence, and that you never even realized the implications (*cough*cough*). If the Syndicate tries to retaliate, we’ll ask the I-Girl to strap on her electric blue bustier, and we’ll all follow her into battle against the Syndicate’s evil minions.

  43. Original Emily
    December 14th, 2005 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    What the hell is going on in FBOFW? How long can a strip focus on vacuuming? I mean seriously, can we please get back to the important issues?! Is April’s face clearing up? I MUST KNOW!

  44. Sassy_Rocks
    December 14th, 2005 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    Yes, vacuuming sucks but isn’t that what vacuuming is all about? Besides, I’d almost rather have the lame central vacuum plot than being subjected to further …heartwarming…loveable…Shannon…or Mtigwaki pandering… What about ApeShrill’s acne? The Lizardbreath-Dudley DooRag love at first photo story? This strip has more moves than jello.

  45. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    I need to know about Lizardbreath’s boyfriend in Mtiwacgkdsgdsf! It’s a cliffhanger!

    Canadian vaccuuming..How..exciting..

  46. Lor
    December 14th, 2005 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    #17: I would sooo buy a sweatshirt that said “Chats sans Frontieres.” How ’bout it, Josh?

    #39: Yellojkt: SPEW ALERT. :D

    No worries, Ces, I think you have to be pretty dirty-minded to take “salmon” for anything other than … uh-oh, it just occurred to me what “purse” means, too. OK, I’m a little slow, I admit it.

    - Lor, The Only English Major In History Ever to Think Rubbers Meant What You Wear On Your Feet

  47. Kaliflower
    December 14th, 2005 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    I need to know about Lizardbreath’s boyfriend in Mtiwacgkdsgdsf! It’s a cliffhanger!

    I’ve totally forgotten about that. For the amount of time spent focusing on April pustulous face, Shannon’s Steven Hawking fetish, and now central vac addiction, by the time we get back to Liz she’ll already be married.

  48. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    ..and have five kids..

    This central vac storyline must be a build up for something good…or not. I’m so tempted to put a post-it on the central vac opening in my upstairs hallway that says “As used by Foobs” Then post the pic for all to see. hah!

  49. gnome de blog
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    Elizabeth is doomed to a life if spinsterhood because in spite of her saintliness (or maybe because of it), she’s drawn to the bad boys but the only ones who like her back are the foobs.

  50. ellcee
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    We were thinking over at Binky Betsy that all this cleaning might, just possibly, lead to some mention of Elizabeth and her new toy. The lynnions read there so they may be holding back just to spite us because they know we want to actually SEE a storyline for Liz develop in the strip instead of the monthly retcons.

    LC

  51. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    Maybe the Lynnions will make Elly go on an OCD adventure through their Fooby house for the next month, just to spite us..

    “Let’s Windex the windows!”

    “Let’s dust the figurines!”

    “Let’s line up the salad dressings in the pantry!”

    “Let’s wipe down the baseboards with Clorox!”

    “Let’s polish the stair banisters!”

    “Let’s sanitize the doorbell!”

    I will pass out laughing if that does in fact happen!

  52. ellcee
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I think all this housecleaning will somehow, someway tie into a menopause pun.

    LC

  53. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    “Boy, I’m cleaning as much as I flap my arms at night!!”

  54. Islamorada Girl
    December 14th, 2005 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    What frightens me is that somewhere out there, all the Foob groupies are following this housecleaning storyline with the same intensity as rabbinical scholars at a yeshiva studying some obscure passage in the Torah.

  55. Marc
    December 14th, 2005 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    There actually is a part in the Torah about cleanliness and personal hygiene!

  56. Mark
    December 15th, 2005 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    And Verily, the Lord said unto Moses, thou shalt use only use the Central Vac when thou cleaneth the house; and this clean shall take no less than one week, so as to give the April-Retarded Girl plotline a little rest.

  57. Lor
    December 15th, 2005 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    And of course, there’s this passage from the Book of Cleanliness, chapter 4, verses 16 to 20:

    Then did he raise on high the Holy Handvac of Antioch, saying, “Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst suck thine enemies up in tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals … Now did the Lord say, “First thou pushest the Holy Switch. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then wieldest thou the Holy Handvac in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”

  58. Mark
    December 15th, 2005 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    Well it appears that Elly has angered the gods, and is now being punished with the feared Dust Plague.

  59. gnome de blog
    December 15th, 2005 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    Obviously, it doesn’t say anything in the Book of Cleanliness about makething certain thine canister is attached and properly sealed.

    It maketh me lie down and be sick, and anointeth my head with holy dust foobs.

  60. Lor
    December 16th, 2005 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    Maybe Elly misplaced her Book of Cleanliness. But no, she can’t have – she’s a saint and it’s right next to her Book of Godliness.

    Get it? Ha, ha?

    [crickets chirping]

  61. Mat
    December 19th, 2005 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    “Would you like a go at my chainsaw?”

    “I don’t know, I’d probably chop my head off.”

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