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Metapost: You look like you can use some Mary Worth merchandise!

There are few things that give more of a thrill than coming home and finding a large padded envelope in your mailbox with “Karen Moy, King Features” as the return address. Trust me on this, because that’s exactly what happened to me this afternoon. Eagerly tearing said envelope open, I found … this:

And this:

And a note that said:

Hi Josh,

Thanks for reading “MARY WORTH”!

Karen Moy

That’s right, everyone: there is now officially licensed merchandise featuring our favorite meddling biddy. And the designs featured above aren’t the only ones available, not by a long shot. Do want to drink your coffee out of a mug in which Mary is startled by Aldo? Do you want to drink your liquor out of a mug in which Mary admonishes Rita for drinking liquor? YOU KNOW YOU DO! And there’s more … so much more.

Please note that I gain nothing financially from this, other than the free shirt and bag; I merely supply this information to what I imagine is the largest interested audience for this paraphenalia, as my way of giving back to the comics I mock. Of course, if while you’re doin’ your CafePress shopping you wanted to buy some Comics Curmudgeon stuff featuring my new logo, I surely wouldn’t object!

169 responses to “Metapost: You look like you can use some Mary Worth merchandise!”

  1. Dewey\'s Coffee
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:04 pm [Reply]


  2. Mayzshon
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    I want that Shirt!

  3. Professor Fate
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    if your heart can stand it there is also a Funky Winkerbean site – no t-shirt with masky mcdeath or someone talking about cancer however and it doesn’t look like the designs have been changed in years.

  4. 150
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Oh my gosh, I want to buy that mug and fill it to the brim with vodka.

  5. Crankenstank
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    Free advice from Mary Worth is always worth every penny, and I intend to advertise that thought on my person!! Thanks for the tip!

  6. Canaduck
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Holy crap I want the “liquored up” mug.

  7. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    Sweet Jebus! I want that shirt! Also, the stalker mug which is ACTUALLY CALLED THE STALKER MUG.

  8. Écureuil Écumant
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    The STALKER MUG. If I buy that, I can say I’ve been mugged by Mary Worth.

  9. sarahtheawesome
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    Wow! You can get something for everyone! We have Marvin for expectant mothers, Lockhorns for those getting married, Barney Google and Snuffy Smith for your friends moving out of the big city to enjoy the peace and quiet of rural life, Beetle Bailey for those joining the army, Zits for anyone whose child is approaching the teens. Yep, this store is fully stocked to depress anyone on any occasion. If none of the rest apply, Funky Winkerbean works for all occasions.

  10. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure I could enjoy a nice sip of bourbon with Mary Worth scolding me—but if I could have the “advice” panel on one side of a mug, and “Revise. You Know You Want To” on the other, it would be like the perfect teacher double play.

  11. bats :[
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    Josh gets the bestest swag!

    I’m glad Karen Moy has jumped on the bandwagon — let there be licensed goods rather than no goods at all! (Yes, I’m still peeved that Calvin & Hobbes was never licensed, so that we get to see Calvin either peeing on stuff or doing the pious thang (both equally nauseating), rather than perhaps having done some good for a charity (ASPCA? tiger conservation? Boys’ Town?).)

  12. bats :[
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    I like the Mary gardening one. I can envision Charley Smith coming up behind her and saying, “Hey, Mrs. Worth, somebody stole your boyfriend.”.
    Yeah, I’m like that.

  13. Master Softheart
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Josh, this proves that you have changed the world, and at least arguably for the better.

  14. Andrew Leal
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    I can proudly state that I’m one of the few people under the age of 30 who has read Mary Worth for years, before it was hip, cool, or ironic to read “Mary Worth.” Thus this is a near dream come true (which alas happens when I am utterly without funds, but such is life).

    I can only hope future merchandise goes further back in the archives, if not to the 40s and 50s, at least to the days of Minnie Monroe, Smitty Smedlap, and Charterstone’s groundskeeper saying “My name is Carlos, senor. Not Buddy.” That one is just crying out for t-shirt treatment.

    Can Mary Worth toys, i.e. inaction figures (“featuring no movement or articulation whatsoever!”), be far behind?


  15. Caroline
    January 13th, 2010 at 5:54 pm [Reply]


    The tshirt alone is the best thing I’ve ever seen. This also all looks like it’s well-designed merchandise with a sense of humor? It’s really shocking. And great.

  16. Hank Kimble
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    How cool??? More thrilling than being on “Jeopardy,” I’d imagine.

  17. MyEvilTwin
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    She has your home address!!! Be afraid, Josh, be very afraid.

  18. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I really think we need to Ziggify you with that shirt. Make a calendar of you wearing the meddle shirt… and no pants.

  19. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Oh, cool. Now when I see Mary Worth’s face everywhere I look, I can pretend it’s merchandise, not an illness. Yay!

  20. KarMann
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#8): No mugging for the camera when it happens, though!

    Speaking of Mary Worth, I just thought to check Kurt for anagrams, both as Evans and as Weston. First results that popped up: “knave ruts” and “token wurst”, respectively. Quite a few other promising ones, too. “Utter wonks”, anyone?

  21. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @Andrew Leal (#14): Love the “inaction figures” idea! They could have little salmon and purple and orange outfits—but only Dr. Jeff gets a green jacket! Mary would be the only one with a jaw that can move; the others must stand silent before her. Adrian Cory gets a pretend stethoscope that doesn’t actually work—sort of like the one she actually wears around her neck. Chinbeard comes with optional kilt, but only the most stout-hearted will brave taking off his clothes. If you shake Toby, you can hear the pebbles rattling around in her empty head. And Wilbur comes with a tiny comb so you can rearrange the strands on his shiny head.

  22. Ms Avery
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    So. Much. Want.

  23. Muffaroo
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    Sweet Zombie Jesus! There’s THREE of her! No wonder she gets around so much.

    Now I’m imagining all three of them, as a trio. Maybe getting a job as plumbers at some snooty mansion, or maybe trying to be detectives. I wonder which one of them is the leader?

  24. Harold
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Check out the Advice Stein!

    The Mary Gardening Wall Clock has an image I’d rather have never seen.

  25. bats :[
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#21): you’re thinking about this way too much. :)

  26. Islamorada Girl
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    My order is flying toward me now. Must have “You Need Advice” t-shirt.

  27. The Waz
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#21):

    Salmon square platter sold separately.

  28. Jamus The Bartender
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    I think I see Mom The Bartender’s next birthday present.

  29. Anonymous
    January 13th, 2010 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about capitalism, but this is definitely one of its perks. Money speaks louder than concern about whether or not people only appreciate your work ironically. This is delicious.

  30. Lee aka Cheetah
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    My Evil Twin @17 – Truly! If Mary Worth knows where you live… can meddling be far behind?

  31. Aviatrix
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    It’s the power of blogging. You blog and cool things come your way.

    Are Cafe Press tote bags study and durable?

  32. Miss Othmar
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    @Muffaroo (#23):

    Sweet Zombie Jesus! There’s THREE of her! No wonder she gets around so much.

    Triplets! You know, Hef’s twins are moving out of the Playboy Mansion, maybe finally he’ll hook up with someone his own age….

  33. Jamus The Bartender
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Grrr…..want to see Juliette and Edda naked. Now.
    Archie: Okay, Dilton, Al Hartley warned you about being weighted down with knowledge lest your soul become imperiled. Al Hartley also drew a really hot Pothipar’s Wife.
    Dick Tracy: Sounds like Dick was begging for some traffic duty or time behind a desk.
    Doonesbury: Aw. Leo’s mom isn’t dealing with the new girlfriend very well.
    FOOB: Even though she hasn’t figured out what a “groupie” does for a band, I have to admit Connie is slowly becoming one of the coolest members of the cast. Not a role-model, just cooler than anyone else in the cast.
    Gasoline Alley:Wow. I didn’t think Nina Clock went in for the Mayan calendar thing.
    Luann: I gotta side with Brad on this one. Sisters are awful creatures. They smack your buddies in the testicles and you gotta hear about it in school the next day, they make you drive twenty miles in a snowstorm, they do a Connie and have you watch the kids and don’t come back for the longest time, they do that hand in lukewarm water thing, they bring their girlfriends over to get drunk….
    Rose Is Rose:Well played, Jimbo. Well played.
    Spider Man: Sabretooth took a dive.
    Slylock Fox: True Or False: Buster Bear is gonna give Benny Beaver one hell of a smackdown for letting that tree fall on his head.
    True Or False: Some beetles trap spirits of the dead. Grant Morrison said so.
    Sally Forth:Whoa. Maybe the world IS coming to an end. Ted Forth is admonishing his sister-in-law to act like an adult. And, he’s in the right here.
    Rex Morgan: Much as i’d like to see Brook in a frilly nightie, I have to side with June here. Brook steals the family’s money, breaks into the house, makes a big mess, does there really HAVE to be another reason to lock her up?
    Also, Rex, it’s never good to side with the young, hot, blonde against your own wife. Really. Never works. Because June will probably think you want to, I don’t know, have sex with Brook or something….I know how crazy that sounds, but that’s what she’s gonna think.
    Judge Parker: MmmmmMMmmmmmMMMmmmmMs. De’Vitooooohhh….

  34. Écureuil Écumant
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    If you really want to take it to the next level, buy a “You Need Advice” shirt and wear it inside out. You’ll join the legion of the damned way quicker than you ever could by saying the Lord’s Prayer backwards.

  35. Dr. Pill
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Josh, do you realize you might be responsible for making Mary Worth popular enough to justify the merchandising?

    Also, Andrew Leal, No. 14: Did you know her when she was Apple Mary?

  36. Charterstoned
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    Josh, you get EVERYTHING.

  37. Charterstoned
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    What, no merchandising from the Mark Trail Syndicate?! But think of the possibilities! Khaki shirts with button-flap pockets! Polka-dotted neckerchiefs! Fishing and camping gear up the wazoo! Sand jacks for your car! Fleshy Pancake Mix!

  38. True Fable
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:46 pm [Reply]


  39. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Miss Othmar (#32): Are you suggesting that soon we’ll see Mary(X3) dressed in little salmon-colored nighties, frolickingmeddling about the grounds of the Playboy mansion?

  40. EVE@HOME
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    Josh, that is awesomeness itself!

  41. whiskers
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    I am so excited! I am buying my Mary stuff now

  42. mojo
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    That is just AWESOME.

    Mary Worth might be my new favorite role model, but Karen Moy now runs a close second! Wotta great gal!

  43. Niall
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    Karen Moy gets us. She just went way up in coolness, getting close to the holy triumvirate of Weber (Jr)-Power-Marciuliano. Woo!

  44. Miss Othmar
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#39):

    Are you suggesting that soon we’ll see Mary(X3) dressed in little salmon-colored nighties, frolickingmeddling about the grounds of the Playboy mansion?

    Oh, bats :[ where are you when we need you??

  45. Stev0
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m gonna be all gangsta in my Mary Worth hoodie!

  46. Charterstoned
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if they have a swan figurine…?

  47. Écureuil Écumant
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    FC: Wisdom teeth? Dolly’s a 21-year-old hydrocephalic, hypogonadal dwarf? Why, who’d have ever guessed!

  48. Steve the Pocket
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    I was briefly a little taken aback that you can actually buy ironic merchandise from the official Mary Worth online store. But then I realized that anyone who’d want any other kind of Mary Worth swag is probably too old to work a computer.

    We should find out what marketing genius was responsible for this and try to get them promoted to the head of the company. This is exactly the sort of person they need to ensure they outlive the Death of the Newspaper.

  49. Spunde
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    Yes, yes, a truly wonderful shirt.

    Before we all rush out and buy one, though, I recommend we wait a day, to make sure it doesn’t start whispering advice to Josh in the middle of the night.

  50. Charterstoned
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    I haven’t seen this kind of merchandising excitement since Toby put in the black!

  51. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @Spunde (#49): I’d assumed that had already happened, and Josh’s metapost is the result of automatic writing.

  52. Brendon
    January 13th, 2010 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    Josh, did you know you bear a striking resemblance to Steve Luhm? You might want to shave the goatee off, lest we think you after high school girl tail.

  53. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    2 a.m. A residential neighborhood in Baltimore. The Lovely Amber awakes to an odd smell and clattering in the kitchen. Going to investigate, she finds Josh, wearing his new Mary Worth t-shirt.

    LA: Josh, it’s the middle of the night! Are…. are you cooking?
    J: Yes, my dear. I’m just whipping up some salmon squares.
    LA: Salmon squa— Why are you cooking salmon squares?
    J: Well, I promised Toby I’d bring them to the pool party, of course!
    LA: Josh, what are you talking about? What pool party?
    J: Why, the same pool party we have every Friday here at Charterstone! Amber, you look like you can use some advice: Why don’t you bring some nice mush to the party? Everyone likes mush!
    LA: I don’t know what’s come over you. I’m going back to bed.
    J: I hope you’re not going to the liquor cabinet for the Potato-Ade. You don’t need to get liquored up, you know!

    And thus the horror begins….

  54. commodorejohn
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    @KarMann (Y94): There we go. All the meaning, in one convenient, easy-to-use word. Filing that one away.

    Anyways, OH MY GOD MARY WORTH MERCHANDISE. And I still have some Christmas money left, what luck!

  55. Vince M
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth merch? – I’m not convinced that I’m not dreaming this yet.

  56. Mike
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    could someone give some advice about verb usage? that should be “you look like you COULD use some advice”

  57. Andrew Leal
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @bourbonbabe, unbuckled (#21): The Charterstone Playset will be a limited edition item, with pool suitable for standing around, casserole dishes, ketchup colored wine, and vaguely defined extra neighbors (the latter glued permanently to the set). Poor color coordination will add to the authenticity, and special Pool Party outfits available for all the sold-separately figures (no real change for Mary of course, but Ian can cut loose with his Hawaiian shirt). The potential for later add-ons (including Goodtime Charley Smith’s seduction pad) is endless!

  58. TruthOfAngels
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    It’s wrong, yet it feels so right.

  59. Mike
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    give MARY some advice. dammit

  60. Uncle Lumpy
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    C’mon Fedex, rush me that Stalker Mug! AAUGH! Hello.

    As a great man once said, “Aaaaahhhh.”

  61. ElkMeadow
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    Hurray! The bag–I want the three Marys bag!

    I would be sooo envied!

  62. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 13th, 2010 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    what a thing to find upon return from an Archive Binge!

    (to whomever mentioned Two Kinds, my thanks.)

  63. The Ridger
    January 13th, 2010 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    First, “You look like you can” means “you look like you are able”; “you look like you could use” means “you look like you need”. Sure, Mary means the latter, but it’s more flattering to imply that we know what to do with it!

    Also, anybody watch Modern Family? Phil has a friend who sends email with porn – Gil Thorpe! No, seriously – Gil Thorpe!

  64. bats :[
    January 13th, 2010 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Stev0 (#45): maybe you’ll be infiltrate those drug gangs down in the Valley. They be bad. You be badder.

  65. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 13th, 2010 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#63): re: Modern Family—Yes–but I’ve not yet seen tonight’s episode.

    @bats :[ (#64): But stay out of any “social gatherings” to be held at the SantaRoyMart warehouse; those tend to end badly.

  66. commodorejohn
    January 13th, 2010 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

  67. Andy L
    January 13th, 2010 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Oh, That’s right! “Marry Worth” used to be about a friendly old lady who gave social advice to her neighbors.

  68. KarMann
    January 13th, 2010 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (YY#212): Ah! It took me a moment to realize, you’re talking about a particular de Havilland, in particular, aren’t you?
    So, when you make this dream of yours come true, how are you planning on distributing these pictures? ;)

  69. bats :[
    January 13th, 2010 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#63): I paused on this program while channel-surfing, and I swear, too, that the guy said “Gil Thorpe.” mr. bats :[ concurs.
    Gil Thorpe is a perv!

  70. bats :[
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Breaking news (or maybe not): If Conan O’Brien is still on NBC as of tomorrow, one of his guests will be Hilary Hahn (who I only know via–shudder–9CL).
    Quick, Andy! Hide the Bösendorfer

  71. Big Sims
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    Hail thee festival day! Blest day that art hallowed forever!
    Mary Worth merchandise! It’s like Christmas and an Orgasm all rolled up in one!

  72. Jonn
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    I think everyone’s missing the real discovery here.

    Josh has a very fine beard.

  73. Willis
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    I thumbed through the Mary Worth products, came across this item:

    Next thing I know, I black out for a half hour and find this sitting in front of me when I come to:

    Lord help us, memes are colliding.

  74. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    I’m still recovering from seeing Mary say “liquored up.” What’s next, “blowing chunks”??

  75. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Jonn (#72):
    And his eyes twinkle when he’s happy.

  76. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    1/14 MW — Fabulous. Now Abby’s a flapper, and F. Scott Fitzgerald is standing nearby. I love this strip.

  77. Anonymous
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    For the love of god, Josh, wash your free t-shirt before you commit your image to the tubes. Mary does not approve of wrinkles.

  78. bats :[
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    A few Thursday observations:

    BetweenFoobs: that’s it. No more. When Panel 4 starts to look like Craig Ferguson doing his Camilla Parker Bowles impersonation, the strip has to go. (Mostly because Craig in drag does it better.)

    FC: figures that 7-year-old halfwit Billy still wears shoes with Velcro tabs.
    [I refused to learn to tie my shoes all the way through kindergarten but then got it into my head that I Was Doomed if I didn't learn how to do it by first grade. Probably because Mrs. Ferry (my nursery school teacher) and Mrs. Ferry (her mother) wouldn't be around to do the honors otherwise. But I wasn't a numbskull like Billy. Nope.]

    FW: evidently Crazy Harry’s next in line for a serious disease. Or due to be slapped upside the head by Schulz.

    JP: stop it, Barretto!

    Phantom: wait! Is that the ship owned by Hot Helloooo Captain? Goodbye, purple widower’s weeds!

    RMMD: don’t go all soft and gooshy on us, June! That’s Rex’s part!

  79. mollificent
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    Yesterthread @odinthor (#12): Ok, I simply can’t resist.

    Josh, those photos are great (especially how delighted you look). That t-shirt is terrific. :)

    @Uncle Lumpy (#60): Wow, that panel (featured on the mug) is straight out of a 1960s Nancy Drew Mystery illustration. And I do mean straight out…everything about it screams “Nancy’s stealthy sleuthing is interrupted by the looming baddie!” Now I’m all nostalgic (I learned to read with Nancy Drew…my godmother got me the entire series when I was about four, and I read them all many, many times.)

  80. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:34 am [Reply]


    FW — Linus, Great Pumpkin, karma, Montoni’s. Does not compute. Does not compute.

    MT — “Wild game” can’t be sold in some places because of inspection regulations. I’ll go out on a limb (har) and predict that Senator Restaurant may get busted for serving poached (har har!) and/or illegal meat.

  81. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#80): If, by “busted”, you mean “punched in the face,” then yes. Yes, he will.

  82. mon-ma-tron
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:37 am [Reply]


  83. Margaret
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    I am excited about that mug.
    I also wanted to note that on this evening’s episode of Modern Family, the square Dad repeatedly noted that “unwanted” dirty photos were e-mailed to him by a co-worker named Gil Thorpe.

  84. Aviatrix
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Pill (#35): The beauty of Café Press is that there is no cost to setting up a store. But in this case some effort has gone into selecting appropriate images for the merchandise.

    @Steve the Pocket (#48): With that strip I can’t tell anymore if something is really ironic. How do you know for sure?

    @KarMann (#68): Distribute? Probably by accidentally losing the memory card under a rudder pedal on the way home from the photo shoot, and having the mechanics who find it check it out before returning it.

    @Willis (#73): You blacked out as a result of the dog t-shirt, or from too much potato-ade?

  85. Fashion Police
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    Mr. Weston’s fantasies are not to be trusted. Previously, Miss Evans appeared to inhabit the early nineteen seventies. Now she appears to have teleported back to about 1959, along with her hat.

  86. Ed Dravecky
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (Y#202): I can’t say I understand what’s going on in Dick Tracy but the narrative is clear enough. In the 1/14 strip, for example, the Cambastani Embassy is about to hire an “American rock music” band that has been together for almost two whole days because he wants “everything at its finest”. This booking will be based on a CD recorded, mastered, and produced yesterday and dropped off this morning at a talent agency named “Brozebra”, presumably for DT artist Jim Brozman and the Zebra from Pearls Before Swine.

    So do I understand it? No, but that’s what’s happening.

  87. Crabby McCarthy
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    I’m going to hold out until an “uneasy restlessness” tote bag and mug are available.

  88. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:44 am [Reply]

    MC: It seems Ashley’s ordering from the bakery over in Westview.
    RMMD: So, June’s worried about Brook taking advantage of Rex, then?

  89. True Fable
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:04 am [Reply]

    Fuckin’ Winkerbean WAA BOO HOO, Tom Batiuk. So the Happiness Police will slap down Crazy Harry because he dares utter he’s glad to be alive? Oh FUCK YOU Tom Batiuk; fuck you running. Yours is the most relentlessly depressing downer of a strip out there. You use Bluebirds of Happiness in place of skeets.

    Children of the Circle I don’t see how he can stand on those tiny, tiny little feet.

    Assoline Galley In Greater Metropolitan Roopville, Skeezix, we have this quaint little thing called American History Class where the teacher tells the students all about the war and why it happened and what happened, and who the good guys and who the bad guys were. But then, we don’t have total Idiots like Joel the Junkman in Greater Metropolitan Roopville, either, so our pupils actually can learn a thing or two. Shoot, we don’t even have assholes like him over in Clem, the Pearl of the Tri-Pasture Area. When every single person in Gasoline Alley is a total fucking nincompoop, no wonder Skeezix is all up in arms!

    Meddle Eyre That’s one nasty rich kid, all right! See how he’s staring at her awesome hat? Pervert, plain and simple.

    Kit Walker, Captain Boinker! I knew it! The minute Diana’s out of the picture, Kit’s off to screw the shapely captain from last year! It’s the Ghost-Who-Boinks!

    Rex Morgan, FU June’s still bitter about being passed over as captain of the Enterprise.

    The Amazing Sabretooth Only goes to figure that Spidey’s webs are about as useless as he is.

  90. Lucky
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean – I’m afraid I can’t snark about anything today because the spontaneous laughter caused by the first panel still hasn’t ended.

  91. True Fable
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    That probably should have been Rex Morgan, NCC-1701

  92. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#89): Re: MW: Do you mean to say… could it be… he’s a hat man? He should (have) hook(ed) up with Margo!

  93. Don Iguan
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: Well, it’s official. Steve Luhm is Clambake 2.0. This time, an assistant coaching position looks like a lock.

  94. ElkMeadow
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Please, if you get salmon squares in the mail, please step away from the package and notify your local bomb squard.

  95. Farley's Revenge
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:50 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#78):

    RMMD: don’t go all soft and gooshy on us, June! That’s Rex’s part!

    Anatomically, as well as figuratively.

    MT: What is up with the way Mark’s sitting standing occupying space at that table? It looks like he’s about to crawl atop the table for some unknown reason. And why are Mark and Mr. Spock playing musical chairs at the table?

    MC: I never noticed that Ashley went bare-pawed at work before. Boy. That office really is into casual business wear, isn’t it?

  96. True Fable
    January 14th, 2010 at 3:51 am [Reply]

    #92 KarMann – And it’s nearly the same style, too! Hmmm… that’s a really specific fetish, but I suppose in Serial Comic Land, specifics is the reason people are so enthusiastic about Salmon Squares and paint their walls Ohmygod Orange and Burple Purple.

  97. Henry Hernia
    January 14th, 2010 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    Funky Cancercancer: “The happiness police?” Are you shitting me? And this comes immediately after Funky himself announces that certain otherwise-innocent words are not welcome in his establishment. In light of this–and Batiuk’s recent blog-salvo in the annual and completely-fictional War On Christmas–is Batiuk becoming another ultra-polarized poli-psycho who sees fascism behind every corner? Will we still be allowed to make fun of his strip here?

  98. dyslexic dog
    January 14th, 2010 at 5:26 am [Reply]

  99. Jack Parsons
    January 14th, 2010 at 5:34 am [Reply]

    Where’s the Bum Boat?

  100. clahey
    January 14th, 2010 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Does Batuik think he’s carrying on the work of Charles Schulz? Disturbing.

  101. Ukulele Ike
    January 14th, 2010 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    FW: You keep using that word, “karma.” I do not think it means what you think it means.

    RMMD: June’s rage is deflated, along with her breasts.

    Phantom: Oh for God’s sake, of course we remember the India Voyager II. I just don’t remember it being loaded to the gunwales with heavy artillery.

  102. Charterstoned
    January 14th, 2010 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#74): Of Salmon Squares? Definitely!

  103. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    @Charterstoned (#102): I really don’t think RJ’s going to be too keen on cleaning up the “salmon mousse” over there.

  104. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    1/14 BC: Apparently, “Dr.” Peter has been learning his head-shrinking professional ethics from Dr. Aristotle over there.

  105. John C Fremont
    January 14th, 2010 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    I love you, Karen Moy!!

    Phantom – Yay! Captain Savarna’s back! I guess now I know what The Phantom meant by wanting to “get under those guns.”

    Crankshaft – A Martin Mull reference?

    JP – Hey, her pants are undone. God bless you, Eduardo Barreto!

  106. KarMann
    January 14th, 2010 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    1/14 H&L: A foot-long with extra toe jam on it, no doubt. Oh no, here comes the salmon mousse again….

  107. 8th Man Fan
    January 14th, 2010 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    @Niall (#43) re: Karen Moy “gets us”: Actually, this comes across as someone in the King Features publicity department “getting” CC and using Ms. Moy’s name on a form letter that goes with the PR freebie. By all accounts (well, Ed Power mentioned it way back then), Ms. Moy’s a very nice lady. However, based on how the Internet is depicted in MW, I doubt she has much exposure to the web in general or CC in particular. Ms. Moy: If I’m wrong and you are here, please make everybody’s day with a post. Thanks.

    In the meantime, that Aldo mug is tempting. And, hey, King Features, let’s see A3G on that CafePress list. I wanna see spinning rooms, “My naked, ringless fingers!!”, and (my personal favorite) “Liars – All Liars!!!” T-shirts yesterday.

  108. GotFuzzy
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#63): I caught that, too, and laughed so hard that I startled My Lovely Husband. His one failing is that he has a low tolerance for whimsy, so I have never even tried to get him to spend any time here, which means he has no clue why Gil Thorp sending out pr0n would be that funny.

    MW: Evil rich kid? Geeky loser? Free-spirited chick they both lust for? I sense an homage to Pretty In Pink! Let’s call it Awkward In Hats.

  109. wossname
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    MW – OK, let me get this straight: Abby “attracted many campus admirers” and yet she chose Wilbur? This provides lots of ammunition for those arguing (a) that Abby was a slut and/or (b) that Abby was insane.

    Phantom: And speaking of ammo, maybe one of our resident experts can explain whether those explosions are coming UP from a submarine, or DOWN from a plane directly overhead. The trajectory doesn’t suggest a source off to the side. Are they supposed to be coming from the INDIA VOYAGER II?

    GT: I still like Steve Luhm (especially if I don’t think about his former hair).

    JP: OMG, panel 3 takes fanservice to a whole new level. Could you arch your back a bit more and pull that zipper down one more notch, Widow D?

    MT: They serve wild game and you don’t know where they get it? I do! Since we just battled poachers on the last story arc, this seems a little repetitive, but we’ll see where it goes.

  110. Chyron HR
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy – Aw, yeah, time for some good old American rock music! Everybody loves groups like the Beatles, the Yardbirds, Deep Purple, the Rolling Stones, Yes, Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, the Who, Queen…

    Wait, I know I can think of at least one American rock group. What about those guys who did “Brandy”?

  111. gleeb
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: You gotta be kidding. The denizens of that dreary pizza place are a roll-call of the damned. Safe from the “happiness police”? Yeah, all they do is take an arm off, or give you cancer, or marry your wife off to some comic-book hawker with weird hair.

    The Battling Morgans: Since when does Rex have a spine?

  112. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    JP: So is T.W. D’Vito framing the lawyer, or does she really want Sam to come clean her greenhouse?

    SM: You know, I could probably escape from a half-assed web like that.

    BB: That’s not confusing at all; Beetle and Sarge have been together so long that they’ve developed sex-shorthand: “I am definitely in the mood for a three-way!” “So we are now engaging in fourplay!”

    MT: A poachin’ senator/restaurateur! And of course, like all senators, he’s middle-aged, paunchy, and bald.

    MW: Those nasty rich kids always go after the starey-eyed zombie chicks!

  113. Colorado
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    I think I need a complete set o’ mugs! Think I’ll start with the stalker one….

  114. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#105): “under those guns” for CotW! ROFL

    Phantom: I knew there’d be some happy ‘mudgeons when I saw today’s strip.

    NS: ok, now that’s funny!

    FW: grrrrrrrrrrr.

    HotC: visual win

    Lio: visual win^10. gotta love Ishmael.

    RwO: *snerk* well played, madam!

  115. Mela
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Sweet! I needed a new tote bag!

    Anyway, Thursday’s stuff:

    Archie: Hair moves in the Archie-verse? Really? I… That just blew my mind.

    FW: Batiuk, leave “Peanuts” out of your war on all that’s good & true in the universe! Your misuse doesn’t even make sense! Unless you’re foreshadowing yet another cancer-fest. And I won’t put that past you.

    GA: In what may be the most tiresome fundraiser ever, we see an appeal to the elderly by pointing out how everyone under the age of 40 is a dolt. Yes, I get sad when I see people lovingly snoozing through history except for what TV news shows say is important, but I’d never use it as an argument to get money for something. I’d just use it to feel superior.

    Luann: Aw, Evans missed a prime opportunity to have Delta get on her high horse about diversity in the fire department.

    My Cage: Thanks for the idea on how to deal with desk coordinator call-outs, Ed & Melissa!

    PBS: It’s funny because it’s so sadly true.

  116. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    FW: I’m actually surprised you guys are being so hard on this strip. I read it as a meta-acknowledgement that the strip tends to punish people for being happy, and that announcing how happy you are is a death-knell for a character. Kind of a wink in CC’s direction, without the antagonism we got from the “the school play can’t be about cancer and death!” storyline.

    Phantom – Speaking of shots across the bow, do they still use “dumb” shells like that anymore? Reminds me of a documentary I saw about the infamous Japanese midget sub that was sunk at Pearl Harbor, though the incident failed to put the higher-ups on alert that something was going on that morning. They brought up the sub from the bottom and found that it was indeed sunk after a shot from the US Destroyer penetrated the conning tower. This was before heat-seeking missiles, or computerized aiming, so basically a dead-reckoning shot from a destroyer pitching up and down on the waves hit the narrow conning tower that was all that was visible from a submarine also pitching up and down with the waves. That’s some good shootin!

  117. Mela
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Henry Hernia-
    Funky Cancercancer: “The happiness police?” Are you shitting me? And this comes immediately after Funky himself announces that certain otherwise-innocent words are not welcome in his establishment. In light of this–and Batiuk’s recent blog-salvo in the annual and completely-fictional War On Christmas–is Batiuk becoming another ultra-polarized poli-psycho who sees fascism behind every corner? Will we still be allowed to make fun of his strip here?

    We’re not about to stop just because Batiuk’s decided not to take off his foil hat. If anything, that’s more of a motivation to mock him.

  118. One-eyed Wolfdog
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Well, well, well, January 14th and all my Christmas shopping for 2010 is already taken care of.

  119. ignatz
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    I never saw that mug before. Is she being stalked by Captain Kangaroo?

  120. Mordock999
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Today’s Luann – 01/14/10

    Brad – “Okay, NOW that we’re OUT of earshot of a bunch of HYPER-Inquisitive young girls, WHAT is Your embarassingly ‘Personal Question’, Geekster, er I MEAN Gunther?”

    Gunther – “Well, I uh, just wanted to KNOW if …,

    Brad – “Toni and I have apparently SLEPT together? The answer is Yes.”

    Gunther – “Oh no, NO! What I REALLY wanted to know is..,”

    Brad – “If Luann’s attraction to Quill is based STRICTLY on looks? The answer is Yes.”

    Gunther – “No its NOT that! I just wanted to know if…,”

    Brad – “Its TRUE that Four out of Five LUANN readers would love to SEE TJ torn limb from limb by a Pissed-Off pack of Hungry, Rabid Chipmonks during the upcoming Superbowl? The answer is YES!”

    Gunther – “No! Thats NOT it!”

    Brad – “Then WHAT the Hell IS your Question!?”

    Gunther – “Brad, WHO cuts Your Hair???”


    DEATH to TJ!!!

  121. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    January 14th, 2010 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    JP: As Sam talks to the sexy woman he holds his key before him, staring at it as if he knows not its purpose. This has happened many times before, but not with his car key. Usually it’s his penis.

  122. Muffaroo
    January 14th, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    A3G – “Not so fast, Crazy Chick! Let me warm up slowly. I’m still getting an eyeful of your radiators!”

    Family – “Oh, wow, Mom! Have you ever looked at shoes? I mean REALLY looked at shoes?”

    FredPut the rope down and back away slowly.

    SmirkyI’m putting the strip down and backing away slowly.

    Gil – I’d sweat too if the creepy janitor was telling me to be my sister.

  123. Muffaroo
    January 14th, 2010 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Luann“Yes, Gunther, they’re real.”

    Mark – “Wild game? My fists are starting to tingle! Wild animals are for looking at, not for hunting!”

    Marmaduke – “You really, really don’t want him to pull your finger.”

    Mary – It’s beginning to look like Kurt is Wilbur’s new imaginary friend, and due to Wilbur’s limited imagination, any part he’s not looking directly at (such as his legs) doesn’t have to be drawn in. Today we find that Wilbur is imagining him because he wants to recount the plot of several 80s nerd movies to somebody, with himself as protagonist. This is building up to something like a yacht race, where the inexperienced nerds will somehow beat the idle rich expert yachtsmen at their own game and get their snazzy blazers all wet in the process. The Ted Baxter character will get pie in his face and end up running away from an ugly old woman who wants to make whoopie.

    ignatz @119 – Actually, Mary’s startled there because at the time, Aldo had been dead for three months.

  124. Numbat
    January 14th, 2010 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#112):

    JP: So is T.W. D’Vito framing the lawyer, or does she really want Sam to come clean her greenhouse?

    What a great euphemism for sex. :D

  125. Islamorada Girl
    January 14th, 2010 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    OMG! Wilbur dated a townie! Wilbur got a townie with child!

  126. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 14th, 2010 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    For those who are amused by such things, the creator of the Web comic Questionable Content has a take on newspaper strips in his LiveJournal.

    Some of the comments are really quite funny, including slams on Fred Basset, Garfield, and comic resizing to the point of unreadability.

  127. Mibbitmaker
    January 14th, 2010 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Josh’s new tee: that panel is the comic strip equivalent of a sinister government type saying, “We’re only here to help you.”

    Or is that Jefferey Zucker?

  128. Professor Fate
    January 14th, 2010 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    FW: I think in some ways this is a cry for help. And in some ways this is just screaming batshit crazy. 1) this pizza place? – where the owner is a bitter angry dry drunk, his son’s a juv hall resident in training and the weekend help is a creepy High School teacher obessed with his daughter’s sex life and his dead wife – oh yes this is the place were you can annouce out loud how happy you are to be alive. 2) As usual, Batuik gets it completely wrong re Linus and the great pumpkin and 3) The Happiness Police? Tom you need some help – a lot of it.

    Really this stip just screams I’m Mentally Ill – and not in an entaining way either.

    MW: “He took my baby from me. It took all of five minutes.”

  129. Bennui
    January 14th, 2010 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Now if anyone can find me a Mark Trail thong life will be complete

  130. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:01 pm [Reply]


    A3G: People living in in Bobbie’s building are advised to wear a hardhat at all times because of falling hints.

    FC: I’m deeply disturbed by the disparity between Billy’s giant head and tiny feet. He’s a foetus with hair and (sadly) vocal cords.

    Ziggy: You stopped wearing pants again, Ziggy. You can’t use the public Magic Fingers bench.

    DT: “Mirror mirror, on the wall. Who’s the best party planner of them all?”

    MT: Wild game that no one knows where it comes from? Gosh, could we be looking at Chekhov’s exotic menu?

    RMMD: It started when June and Brook’s mother liked the same cadet at Starfleet Academy…

    FW: “Yeah, the happiness police. I only met them once, but there was this Tom something-Ukrainian guy who really scared me.”

    GA: Walt really needs to fire the booker who had him speaking before the Aryan Brotherhood meeting.

    MC: Don’t complain, Norm. Free dessert is free dessert.

    GT: “Be your sister except… maybe a little looser, naughtier. And when you make a free throw, give your hips a little wiggle. Oh God, yes!”

  131. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Non-Blue Platypodes to get your squeeeee on.

  132. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    #123 Muffaroo

    Luann – “Yes, Gunther, they’re real.”

    … and they’re spectacular!

  133. commodorejohn
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “A fireplace is so romantic in a bedroom, don’t you – OH GOD OH GOD THE INVISIBLE ELVES ARE BACK! GET THE PICKLES! GET THE @#$%ING PICKLES!”

    DT – “American rock music.” Which, as we all know, is one homogenous genre. Dick Tracy again demonstrates that it is perfectly in touch with modern culture, assuming we define “modern” to mean “pre-American Bandstand.

    FC – “Hell if I know, Billy. There’s no way to consistently determine the relative size of anything around here.”

    FB – Either this is a weird Britishism that I’ve never heard of, or the world of Fred Basset actually includes supernatural menaces capable of stealing away a person’s soul and leaving the body behind. I’m voting for the latter.

    FW – Really, there’s nothing I could add here. Is Batiuk openly embracing the hateful, joyless nature of his universe right out in the open, or is this just a joke that reveals more about his writing than he knows?

    GT – The fact that Micah is normal in the first panel but sweating copiously in the third would seem to suggest that Steve just touched a nerve here. “Be my sister?” he thinks. “Does…does this guy know? Does anybody else know?”

    JP – See, I can at least vaguely understand the “guest character throws herself at the lead” subplot here, because for all his complete lack of charisma, personality, and sex drive, Sam is pretty good-looking. Where it really doesn’t make sense is in Mark Trail, because Mark is pretty clearly an action figure given a stiff, comical semblance of life. Anyway, mmm.

    Luann – I dread tomorrow.

    MT – I suspect that for Mark, finding out that this restaurant is serving poached game will be quite a lot like that scene in The Silver Chair where the characters realize they’ve been eating a talking deer. Only there will probably be a lot more punching.

    MW – Really, Mary Worth? Really?

    MC – “Fudgy the Reaper?” DO WANT.

    Phantom – Oh. My. God. Yes. DePaul and Ryan, I love you guys.

    Popeye – I’m beginning to theorize that Popeye, like Dick Tracy, does not actually take place in the linear timeframe to which we are accustomed. Rather, in a Popeye storyline, each event consists of a basic pattern repeated several times, gradually changing until it transitions into the next, whereas Dick Tracy jumps hither and thither at a moment’s notice in no discernable pattern. Dick Tracy is normal music played on a heavily scratched record; Popeye is techno.

    RMMD – Really, Rex? It seems perfectly in character to me, at least.

  134. One-eyed Wolfdog
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “…so you see, officer, that’s why I set the place on fire.”

  135. One-eyed Wolfdog
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Yes [*pokes gently at Crankshaft*] this is actually a pun which makes at least nominal sense. I have penciled several seconds into my schedule later today to see if a modest guffaw can be mustered in the face of it.

  136. One-eyed Wolfdog
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    DT: “I got my first real five-string… bought it at the five and dime…”

  137. Mary Kay Commando
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    All right, guys, fess up. Which one of you hacked Winkerbean?

    Also, I’m jealous of Bobbie’s awesome radiators. I don’t think the thermostat in my apartment is hooked up to anything.

  138. Darkefang
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I don’t know how a trained psychiatrist would handle this situation, but I know that personally I’d be concerned about dating a woman who finds it arousing when the bedroom is on fire.

    DT: It makes sense that if they really want to impress this visiting dignitary, they’d hire a band that just formed that day and that nobody has ever heard of.

  139. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Classic Peanuts: 32 cups of coffee? Damn! That’s not like Linus’s security. It’s more like Dylan Thomas’ final bar tab.

  140. One-eyed Wolfdog
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    MT: “Good afternoon our special, gentlemen, is FORESHADOWING with a light ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SUBTLE sauce. Would you care to try that with a bottle of Chateau d’Awkward Direct Address?”

  141. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    #107 8th man fan,
    I’m not so sure about that. A lot of the plots and dialogue in Mary Worth strike me as tongue-in-cheek. That includes the intertubes stuff.

  142. Calico
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    That shirt and bag are a million times awesome, to the billionth power.
    Oh, Mary, I never thought you’d lay your head on my chest, but I think it’s gonna happen VERY soon.

  143. Gary
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I’m disappointed that I can’t get anything with the picture of Mary as portrayed on the “Mary Worth Store” banner. Sitting there in her purplish dress, knees knocked together closing off access. It captures her soul.

  144. odinthor
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    GT. — “Be your sister. And I’ll help you train: Just come over to my place after school, and put on this little skirt and blouse I keep next to my bed for special young guys just like you!!”

    Love Is . . . — Oh, you mean queasy and wanting to call the whole thing off? Yeah, you got a point!

    Spidey. — Jealousy makes monsters of us all.

    Ziggy. — Actually, doesn’t Her Majesty charge for use of chairs in St. James Park? (She doesn’t usually go around with a coin-changer on her belt collecting the fee; but, when she does, I’m sure she does it with a warm and quiet dignity.)

  145. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @8th Man Fan (#107): I agree about the merch; I think we’re being marketed to quite savvily—and I respect that. In fact, I’d guess that sites like this would be on the radar of any competent PR/marketing person in the comics field. (And the giddy response to the merch—truly warranted, by the way—will encourage their awareness.)

    And anyway, do we want to undermine our snark credibility by turning somersaults if a comic-strip artist notices us? Unless it’s Pastis—I’ll turn more than somersaults for Pastis. =-)

    @wossname (#109): re: MW: Given the look on Abby’s face in panel two, I’m going for your option (b). (And you’re right about the believability issue: handsome rich boys are going after her, and she picks Wilbur? What’s he packing in those Young Men’s Sansabelt Slacks?)

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando (#131): I love it that I come back from a few hours of teaching and am greeted with something that sends me into delighted giggles.

    @Mary Kay Commando (#137):

    I’m jealous of Bobbie’s awesome radiators.

    I’m jealous of the Widow D’Vito’s.

  146. Calico
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    #3 – FW T-shirt –
    Plain and black.

  147. UncleJeff
    January 14th, 2010 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Annie: Whew! The people in Alburquerque can sleep tonight. It’s only a temporary toxin…which apparently means the dead people we saw earlier are only temporarily dead. Where’s Sandy when you need him!
    Love Is: Roses? With lots of thorns? And you’re giving them to a girl who isn’t wearing any clothing? Ouch.

  148. Calico
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Andy L (#67): I initially read your post as saying “freaky old lady.”

  149. Mibbitmaker
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    BBailey: His sexuality?

    DT: “The ambassador wants everything at its finest.” Looks like he got into this comic strip reeeeeeeeally late for that. By a few decades.

    Dilbert: This is serious — Dilbert has a MOUTH!

    FW: Wha’??? I thought the one stopping happiness here was Batiuk! …And Tommie-boy? KEEP PEANUTS OUT OF THIS!! Peanuts had a wonderful melancholy; FW is a depressing load. Peanuts also had fantasy and whimsy; FW hasn’t in almost 20 years!

    MW: Reggie going after Betty? ….if Betty were a quasi-hippie?

    JP: Barreto loves us! He really loves us!

    NS: With a soundtrack from cartoons during the Good Neighbor Policy era. The “Hollywood Steps Out”/”Kickin’ the Conga Round” Megamix. (I liked this NS, too)

    MC: …as Carvelle rolls over in his grave. ;o)

    OBH: A talk show host phony who treats her so-called “friends” badly.
    Ruthie = Jay Leno

    RMMD: “like Dave Letterman and — well — Jay Leno.”

    Other Coast: Not sitcom — reality show. Keep up with the times, will ya, Raeside?

  150. mollificent
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Given Josh’s early-bird antics this week, I’m probably gonna kill the thread, but…that’s ok. :)

    GT: Is he going to bust out into “All the Single Ladies” on court, a la Kurt Hummel?

    JP: Wow, panel 3 is…I’m speechless.

    MW: Hmm…Kurt suddenly sees dollar signs. “Nasty RICH kid? Well, it’s been fun, but i think I just figured out who my REAL dad is. See ya!”

    Phantom: Over in the jailhouse, Diana just felt a cold shiver down her spine. “Uh oh…my skanky sense is tingling!” Your chances of being rescued just hit rock bottom, Di. Hot sea captain + recently widowed Phantom = You’re Screwed.

  151. Calico
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Bennui (#129): That, and a Cedric the Butler thong!

  152. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#86): Thanks. Ow, now my head hurts.

  153. Muffaroo
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom called his children in, and one of them said,
    “Poppa, is it true that our Momma’s dead?”
    He said, “Yes it is, child, but stop your cryin’,
    ‘Cause you got another Momma on the South Sea Line!”

  154. Mary Kay Commando
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Re FW: I think the difference between the bleakness of early Schulz and the bleakness of late Batiuk is that between pathos and bathos: Charlie Brown’s travails evoke pity, while the Winkiverse’s denizens are so overly put-upon that it just comes around to comedy. I mean, just think how hilarious it would be if Les tried to kick a football and ended up flat on his back! Perhaps with a life-destroying spinal cord injury! Comedy gold!

    Also, I think that Peanuts held out hope for a better world, whereas Tommy B. thinks he’s just chronicling Real Life.

  155. Mary Kay Commando
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Kay Commando (#154): Huh. That was supposed to respond to Mibbitmaker @ 149. I’m too young to not be able to work the Internet.

    Then again, I can’t follow a goddamn action movie anymore, either.

  156. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#116): re Phantom and dumb shells — yes, dumb shells and dumb bombs are still in use by even the most modern militaries — although the current trend is to stick a $10k GPS package on them to give them an all-weather shoot capability with an accuracy of under 10 feet.

  157. Spunde
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Muffaroo (#123): The Ted Baxter character will get pie in his face and end up running away from an ugly old woman who wants to make whoopie.

    Funny you should say that, because the Ted Baxter character is a dead ringer for the young Dr. Jeff Cory.

  158. trey le parc
    January 14th, 2010 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    MW: She may smell like a combination of lilacs and baby powder, and her skin may resemble chalky marble, and don’t get me started on that hair (Attila the Bun), but something about her stern remonstrations just gets my motor running, baby. And now her mug on a mug. Sweet.

  159. Poteet
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Kay Commando (#155): I have facial recognition problems, so I’m waiting for the action movie in which all the characters wear teeshirts with large-lettered names emblazoned on them, front and back. I also have trouble following complicated plans for mass destruction, so the movie would need to have the characters constantly explaining the action to each other, loudly and clearly. The title I’m envisioning is DWEEB FORCE.

  160. monkey.dave
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of CC merchandise… “Have you ever seen such gorgeous radiators, Aristotle?” needs to go on a T-shirt.

  161. TheDiva
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    DT: And as we all know, there’s no such thing as rock music in any other country, ever.

    FW: KARMA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. Also, to paraphrase the great Tom Servo, “Never put a good comic strip in the middle of your crappy comic strip.”

    Luann: “How do I get into your sister’s pants? Because moping around waiting for her to throw herself at me naked isn’t working…”

    MW: Abby left Wilbur for the villain in a wacky campus comedy? Well, it’s still a trade-up…

  162. Mary Kay Commando
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#159): Facial recognition, heck. During the last Bond movie, I would have settled for just knowing which vaguely human-shaped blur was the one I was supposed to be rooting for. Instead, I just thought about Clive Owen.

    Mmm, Clive Owen.

  163. Mary Kay Commando
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    OK, having spent the last half hour on the phone with half a dozen psychiatric clinics in Brooklyn, trying to get an appointment with a med provider (I moved here three months ago), I just have to say: WHERE THE HELL IS PAPAGORAS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

  164. Lucky
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Mr Batiuk, I grew up with Charles Schulz’s comics, I looked up to Charles Schulz, Charles Schulz was a hero of mine. Mr Batiuk, you’re no Charles Schulz.

  165. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Today’s JUMBLE

    STAPN [__] __ [__] __ __
    NDORUG [__] [__] __ __ __ [__]
    MMRIELG [__] [__] [__] __ __ __ __
    LFIKCE __ [__] [__] [__] __ __

    After the bacchanalian debauchery of the sushi orgy, Gilligan ended up in bed with this:
    __ __ __ __ __ __ __ || __ __ __ __ __ __

  166. Muffaroo
    January 14th, 2010 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#165): I count eleven letters and thirteen blanks. Two more “E”s are needed. (Appy polly loggies if somebody’s already covered this in the next thread. I’m headed there now.)

  167. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 14th, 2010 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    At first I thought the photos themselves were what was in the package…and that Karen Moy had been stalking you, surreptitiously photographing you wearing Mary Worth merchandise, in hopes of blackmailing you.

    Clearly, that never would have worked.

  168. P. Unicorn
    January 15th, 2010 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    The best article of merchandise comes from the Barney Google and Snuffy Smith store:
    Boxers + the phrase “balls o’ fire” = awesome.

  169. Jym
    January 15th, 2010 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    =v= This stuff is nice and all, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Aldomania T-shirt as modeled by the lovely Kristy.

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