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Metapost: Old school comments of the week!

Your COTWs (CsOTW? never sure how to pluralize that) coming shortly, but first, a few items of interest! To begin: thanks to many, many tipsters who sent me the link to Bill Watterson’s first interview in more than 20 years. It’s pretty brief, but interesting, and includes this key quote:

It’s always better to leave the party early. If I had rolled along with the strip’s popularity and repeated myself for another five, 10 or 20 years, the people now “grieving” for Calvin and Hobbes would be wishing me dead and cursing newspapers for running tedious, ancient strips like mine instead of acquiring fresher, livelier talent. And I’d be agreeing with them.

Also! Normally I only post photos of people wearing merchandise from my store, but I genuinely feel a need to give back to all that Mary Worth has done for me over the years, and thus I present to you my first off-store model: faithful reader Rachel in her new Mary Worth t-shirt:

If you haven’t already, you should totally check check the store out! And even if you have, you need to go back, because they aren’t resting on their laurels over there. YOU CAN TOTALLY BUY MARY WORTH VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS YOU GUYS! And if you’re over at CafePress anyway, well, you’ll obviously want to check my store out as well.

Also also! Faithful reader Ed Dravecky recently attended the Dallas Comic Con, where he had this picture snapped with former Judge Parker artist Harold Ledoux:

Back when Mr. Ledoux was drawing this feature, the cast wore baggy, physique-hiding clothing while flirting half-heartedly, and I have to say that if I had met him, the temptation to say something along the lines of “So, the new guy sure likes drawin’ ladies, don’t he?” would have been overpowering. Ed says that Ledoux talked about Sam Driver’s introduction to the strip, which pushed out its title character; the syndicate apparently wanted “somebody who could do some punching,” presumably to compete with Mark Trail’s fisticuff-driven popularity.

And now, without further ado: your comment of the week!

“If Mary-Jane whipped ’em out whenever the storyline got dull, Spider-Man would make Judge Parker look positively Amish.” –commodorejohn

And the also funny runners up!

“Or maybe Family Circus has had a coloring error, and Billy has buried his younger brother in concrete. ‘Mommy’ is no doubt just out of range as well, laughing hysterically at her moron son’s imminent starvation.” –Captain Hammer

“Great Caruso’s ghost! If there’s one strip with more potential than Spider-Man for inaction and inanity, it has to be Spider-Man: Miami.” –Ed Dravecky

“Is … is Dawn going to break up with her father? I could get into this story yet.” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“MJ’s actually looking pretty ripped herself, albeit only in her left arm. Perhaps the Parker household TV-remote-lifting exercise regimen is finally paying off.” –Dan

“Maybe Pete should go along, in case there’s a production of Nippleless Nippleby.” –Muffaroo

“If the girls in A3G would just stop turning away from the person they’re in the middle of a conversation with, forcing them to violently snap their head backwards when the other person responds to what they just said, they’d save a lot of strain on their necks. I imagine the whole scarf fascination is just to hide the surprise-take stretch marks that all A3G regulars must have by now.” –AndyL

“Well, it could be a boom box. Judging by how that mutant talking camel-thing has a head in place of its left foreleg and a bizarre abdominal protrusion forcing both of its hind legs to its right side, that oddly spherical lump could be anything, really.” –Rhekarid

“And what’s with MJ wasting an entire word balloon on an exclamation point? If the rest of us could actually utter a punctuation mark, there might not be any more wars.” –Mr. Paul Maul

“I hope Wilbur can find one of those newfangled DNA clinics that does cheek-swab testing. Otherwise, he’ll have to decide which of his four hairs he’s willing to sacrifice.” –BigTed

“At last. No longer must I yell ‘Paternity test!’ every time I read MW. Now it’s back to ‘Haircut!’” –Joolz

“By ‘encore’ he means a quick round of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Let all those that bear the kerchief rejoice and let the Gods themselves regret their scarfless immortality tonight!” –lunarhalo

“What is it with Gil Thorp and shiny, shiny floors? I know basketball courts are well-polished, but today’s strip looks like Walt Disney’s Hackneyed Basketball Advice On Ice!” –Patrick

“A plugger’s doc is even less pleased when his patient tries to pay the bill with a mason jar full of pennies, five tattered books of Blue Chip stamps, and a stale Dorito that looks a little like Jesus.” –Mr. E.Z. Mark

Crankshaft: Pam is just now noticing that her father is an annoying dope who makes the English language cry? Only now? Has she spent the last 20 years on a ketamine high?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Also, in spite of having ‘connected on many levels’ with Wilbur, Kurt seems not to be quite connected to himself in panel one, where his torso is improbably shifted to the left of his hips and legs. If he were a horse, he would probably be put down.” –Charterstoned

“Is Sarah still in a car seat? Unless she’s biologically short for her age, in which case I apologize. Maybe I’m still jaded by the time Sam and Abby’s kid went to bed in footie pajamas and woke up as jailbait, but I think it might be time for Sarah’s height to catch up with her college-level elocution.” –Black Drazon

“Any guesses as to why Wilbur has unicorn bookends? My current theory is he’s actually an eight-year-old girl.” –Anonymous

“Dawn: ‘Wilbur! We’re out of Miracle Whip!’ Wilbur: ‘It matters! It matters! Oh, dear Lord, it matters! Quickly, to the BreadMobile!’” -KarMann

“What IS going on with that Family Circus blanket? Did the real-life Keanes just mess up drawing her hands and say, ‘Fuck it, let’s just make her hold some laundry. Chicks do that, right?’ Or is it covering something, like a sculpture or a prize ham that she was about to reveal with a dramatic flourish when she found her children pilfering sweets from the cabinet?” –Revenge of Chesnut

“In many contexts, Wilbur’s statement would be an affirmation of the value of the relationships we create over those which societal convention predetermines for us. In Mary Worth, it probably means he’s afraid of needles.” –perchingpath

“I wonder if Eula would take any comfort in living in the Family Circus, where angels watch over their survivors like giant voyeuristic harpies.” –bunivasal

“No wonder Steve Luhm is poised for a coaching breakthrough; Coach Kaz has been damn scarce since he took on a second job as Randy Parker’s hetero sex-double. Now I’m left to ponder what Marty-Moon-related money hemorrhage caused this temporary drop in finances, one so sharp that he would throw himself willy-nilly into the tit-crazy world of JP.” –rocketbride

“I can’t explain it to you, Dawn. There’s not even room for another ‘we’ in this speech bubble.” –Comics Fan

“I’m going to give the Perfesser the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is just the first day his newspaper will be published entirely in tweet form.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“At breakfast, Sam continues to spout racist diatribes against cobbling elves!” –Chyron HR

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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117 responses to “Metapost: Old school comments of the week!”

  1. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Ah, funny, funny CsOTW (Grammatica has spoken, Josh) before bed—congrats, all!

  2. commodorejohn
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Whee! COTW!

    You know, Harold Ledoux looks kind of like a Judge Parker character himself.

  3. Muffaroo
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#y127): I have to say, I’m seriously impressed that you got as far as noticing the vowels in the name “Fesapo” and suspected their meaning. I have no idea whether I would have or not, but probably not.

    @Farley’s Revenge (#y141): Blondie. Whoa. Did NOT see that one coming. Seriously. I was ready to bet that the barber would slit Dag’s throat.

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#y144): Maybe write your comments in a text editor, email them to yourself at home, and post them there? You’ve got some real yoyos at work, but I see no reason we should have to pay for that.

    CsOTWCongratulations to all you… hey, the ground is moving. No, wait: oh em gee, I’m on the float! I haven’t been up here in so long, I feel a little weak. I’ll just sit down a while.

  4. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Re: the Watterson interview. Has it actually been 20 years? The book Your Career in the Comics (Lee Nordling, 1995) included material from an interview with Watterson, and I was under the impression that the interview was done specifically for the book, not taken from an earlier source. Or am I mistaken?

  5. Farley's Revenge
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Woo-hoo! CsOtW! Congrats to CommodoreJohn and his faithful coterie of float-riders!
    (Would someone fan Muffarro before she passes out and falls off the float? Thanks!)

  6. Married Agnostic Woman
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses (#4): It hasn’t even been 15 years since Watterson retired the strip. It ended on December 31, 1995, according to Wikipedia.

  7. Poteet
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Faithful Reader Rachel, please pardon my google-eyed observation that you are a looker, and that your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea.

  8. Poteet
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Woot woot for commodorejohn and his very entertaining float companions! It’s so great to have all that funniness neatly lined up so I can keep an extended laugh going and going like an Energizer bunny.

  9. Poteet
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    I’ve been using a CALVIN & HOBBES collection as my bedtime reading this week. I’m still so grateful to Bill Watterson, and yet it still seems that the best way to express that gratitude is to just leave him alone. Ah, the irony.

  10. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to commodorejohn for both making the float and cracking me up. I had missed that one when it first ran, so it’s a nice bonus.
    It’s a nicely made float. Once again, I am honored to be in such funny company.
    Burma Shave.

  11. Poteet
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    2/2

    MT — Is this a state-owned lake? A locally-owned lake? Is all the surrounding land private, or is the land public and the fishing camps allowed on a permit basis? Since the humans are so damned uninformative, could we please get a few basic facts from the nearest giant duck?

    FW — Hey, a possible imminent suicide! I thought we were overdue for someone croaking.

  12. nil zed
    February 2nd, 2010 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    paging Bill Watterson! Dude is lurking around here somewhere, I’d put money on it.

    Dagwood’s Hair!

  13. nil zed
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:00 am [Reply]

    Where does Toni Daytona LIVE? My guess is, she lives either at home, as does her trampy sister, the mother of Shannon. Betweem them, the 3 adult women work at least 5 jobs, and caring for Shannon gets done by whoever is home. Hence, her real reason for wanting to move in together with Brad. Anything to get out of her mother’s home and away from the unwanted share of parental type responsibility. Esp. since she suspects some of her sister’s ‘shift work’ is being done at the Girl-A-Rama club out on the interstate, and will result sooner or later in her death by an unhappy client or a sibling for Shannon.

  14. nil zed
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    I hate when I’m the only one here. Come on west coasters, where is everybody?

  15. Steve the Pocket
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#11): I think we already have a candidate for next week’s QOTW.

    Also, Bill Watterson doing a for-real interview this soon after Nevin Martell failed to get ahold of him? Man, Martell must be piiiiiiissed….

  16. KarMann
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    @Muffaroo (#3): Well, to be fair, you did mention Fesapo in the context of logic, plus I just took it as a class last semester, so it’s still quite fresh. But I’m the sort for whom that will probably stick with me for many, many years to come, anyway.
    And let me join you in the giddiness and dizziness at finally being on the float again! And of course, congrats to commodorejohn and my fellow floaters!

    @Poteet (#7): What, no love for Ed Dravecky? Actually, to be honest, I don’t even know which fellow in that picture is Ed, and which is Mr. Ledoux, and rather wish that had been cleared up. *hint, hint*

  17. Mibbitmaker
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:21 am [Reply]

    I’ll have to rest on my “I fixed” laurels for another week. :o)

  18. Mibbitmaker
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:35 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#17): Well, that, plus the fact that I inspired one of the CsOTW (KarMann’s “It matters” one) (I’m just reading the list now).

    Also, glad to see the “makes the English language cry” comment by AFKA Ben. It was one I thought should be there when I originally read it.

  19. KarMann
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#18): Ah, thanks for saving me the trouble. I was about to go back and refresh my memory of who provided the inspiration for that, so double-thanks.

  20. Mr. O'Malley
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    A-3G: Bringing in a few crazy people has certainly livened up this strip. In a slow boring kind of way.

    Blondie: It was a one-off gag and not an attempt to update the strip.

    Why has this strip lasted so long when so many others of greater merit have hit the dust? Somehow it’s become so iconic that no paper can drop it. Dagwood has slowly acquired a car and then a computer. Eventually his car will start flying and he’ll be running into the FedEx delivery robot on the way out the door. Generations yet unborn will grow up, age and pass to their final reward in full knowledge of his couch-napping, sandwich-eating ways, while The Marx Brothers, Buster Keaton and Ernie Kovacs join Eva Tanguay (now reduced to haunting theaters), Elsie Janis and Gallagher & Shean in the Warehouse of Forgotten Entertainment.

    A Plugger keeps a harem in a shed in his backyard? They arrested someone for that here.

  21. True Fable
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:11 am [Reply]

    Hooray for commodorejohn! Way to go, buddy! Toss me a few beads! And congratulations to all the float riders! You were great!

  22. Lucky
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:17 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey – Sadly the gag isn’t.

    Crock – In that case there should be a lot more sandstorms. Incidentally it also makes the art more pleasant to look at.

    Grin and Bear It – You too, Mr Cartoonist, you too.

    Popeye – Good, now do a crossover with Prickly City and go punch out those plops as well. You could even make an exception to that no smacking ladies rule.

    Rose is Rose – I guess that training is a bit superfluous with Rose is Rose.

  23. True Fable
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:28 am [Reply]

    2009 Bee Grinding Awards
    I apologize for being late with the awards, but the ninja goats and I could not agree on some of the winners for the longest time. So let’s get to it!

    Worst Storyline

    Luann’s Much Ado About Nothing in South Dakota, Apartment 3-G
    The Ghost-Who-Doesn’t-Bother-To-Look-For-His-Wife, Phantom
    Pet Deer and the Abused Wife, Mark Trail
    Secondary Characters Hunt For Old People, Rex Morgan
    The Fuck Seen ‘Round The World Fallout, 9 Chickweed Lane
    Cryspace, Marvin
    Wally’s ignoble return, Funky Winkerbean
    The Circus, Dick Tracy
    Ethics-challenged cop meets brain-addled doctor, Mary Worth

    This was the hardest choice of all to make. All the nominees were so very horrible each in its own fashion; from the boring second fiddles looking for a pair of old people to the two horny kids screwing on Belgium cable TV to the war vet/POW returning to a lukewarm reception and a hearty Fuck You Pal; but when the dust settled it was clear: the worst storyline had to be the apologetic abused wife watching her pet deer get shot by her crazy jealous husband and she APOLOGIZES to him when the deer runs him through with its horn and they talk about having CHILDREN later. The Jackelrod Ball is a force to be reckoned with, and don’t you forget it or you’ll get a Trail-sized punch in the face.

    Squickiest Moment

    The talking potty chair, Marvin
    Lisa supervises Les’s date, Funky Winkerbean
    TJ walks in on Mrs. DeGroot’s bath and likes it, Luann
    Rusty close-up 9/26, Mark Trail
    Mrs. DeGroot mentions protection Luann
    The Family Circus, Family Circus

    What makes a squicky moment, you might ask? Well, suppose you take two adults and have them make out in her car, while he is imagining his dead wife is looking on and smiling benevolently at them all the while. Oh. My. God, somebody get him some HELP.

    Most Insufferable Regular Character(s)

    The Cast of Funky Winkerbean, Funky Winkerbean
    Edda and Amos’s Inspiring Fuckathon9 Chickweed Lane
    Adrian Cory, Dumb Magnet, Mary Worth
    Gunther’s Professional Pathetic teen, Luann
    Sam Driver, Professional Dickweed and his Pretty People Posse!, Judge Parker
    Susan (the lazy whiny blonde), Between Friends
    Jeremy HEY DID YOU KNOW TEENS ARE STUPID AND LAZY, Zits
    Mrs. DeGroot is a bitch, Luann

    Okay, Sam Driver thinks he’s clever because he’s a lawyer, and Gunther’s got that Sad Sack routine down pat, and Susan is just a really annoying chick but that’s her nature. However, NOTHING but NOTHING excuses Mrs. DeGroot for being such a BITCH to Toni Daytona over the Thanksgiving holidays. She didn’t have to go there; all that Oedipal shit didn’t have to happen. But because she chose to snub the first and so far only girl to ever even look Brad’s way, Mrs. DeGroot is a snobby bitch who is raising her daughter to be just like her. Insufferable.

    Most Insufferable Guest Character

    Joe Kelly, Apartment 3 G
    Kid Stowaway, Rex Morgan
    Bird and Gertie, Gasoline Alley
    Detective Hewlett’s unprofessional behavior , Mary Worth

    OHMYGAWD not that face jeezus that is the most butt-ugly child on the planet! And he’s annoying as hell, him and his little donut trails! But at least he wasn’t shmoozing with a witness in a criminal investigation like SOME PEOPLE I could name. Some Peoples, that is.

    Stupidest People on the Planet

    Camera-shy thieves who kidnap Rusty, Mark Trail
    Delilah, Mary Worth
    Adrian Cory, Mary Worth
    Peter Parker, Spider-man

    You have to get up pretty early in the morning to be more stupid than Peter Parker, but the magic Jackelrod Ball can root out those who are dumber than a stump and give Spidey a run for his money. Oh no! A casual snapshot taken in a restaurant by a kid who looks like a poster child for Special People, just might draw attention to them, especially if they go around making a big deal of it and trying to buy the camera for much more than it’s worth and then finally KIDNAPPING the kid for some damn reason or other, rather than just getting the hell out of Dodge like any respectable thugs would.

    Nibble’s Choice for Guest Character Who Deserves a Spinoff

    Cue from Rex Morgan
    Andy Reed from “Count Morgu”
    Crazy Neighbor with a Stun Gun – Apartment 3 G
    Charlie Smith, Mary Worth

    Oh, there was no contest on this one; there are still cries of “Free Cue!” out there among us. Cue needs to team up with Eightball and other long-dismissed guest stars who just fell off the map in Rex Morgan, and they could be the new 48 Hours or the next I Spy. You never know.

    But Bats :[‘s Count Morgu came damn close. The ninja goats really put up a bleat for him. Ah, he’s pretty much GOT a spinoff over at bats :[ ‘s comic site.

    Best Quote

    “It is Rusty!” Mark Trail
    “Take it easy man…I just called to get some weed” – Rex Morgan
    They were in my crib when I got here! – Cue, Rex Morgan
    “Things can always get worse.” – Funky Winkerbean
    “MARK, LOOK OUT!” – Mark Trail

    Cue was just so proud to toss the word “crib” into whatever sentences he could during his memorable storyline part. It made him real, man; he was down with it and hip and happening and shit. Yeah. Yeah, we’re going over to Cue’s crib and scoring some weed, and maybe learning how to swing a mashie. That sounds down too, man. Word. Crib.

    Stupid Animal Tricks

    That damn angry terrier named Junior, Marvin
    That damn stupid Hyena-looking Sassy, Mark Trail
    LOOK OUT HE’s GOT A COOKBOOK, Marmaduke

    In any other strip Junior might have been a nice discordant note, but in the same strip as the every-grouchy, ever-pooping, ever-horrid Marvin, it was double teaming and I hate that in an animal.

    Biggest Brat

    Marvin, Marvin
    Barry, Curtis
    Mike Patterson, For Better or For Worse
    Shannon, Luann

    Hey, babies poop and Pattersons are, well, Pattersons; but Barry is the worst little creep on the comics page today. Dennis the Non-Menace could learn a trick or two from this wretched little punk, who deliberately gets his brother into trouble just because he can! and it’s punks like him that give little brothers a bad name. Get off my street, you little tattletale lying whiny evil shit.

    Biggest WTF Moment

    Electro’s powers can bend water, Spider-man
    Jealous Maiden Kwanzaa storyline where people sneeze and vomit and hiccup and stuff, Curtis
    Time Warp, Spider-man
    Ken actually thinks Mark is doing his wife; ANYONE’S wife, Mark Trail
    “It’s all my fault!” – Mark Trail
    Speech Balloons have thoughts, Mary Worth 4/19
    the Soft-drink carton bikini, Gil Thorp
    “Lisa always liked me to spread the jelly right to the edge” – Les, Funky Winkerbean
    Sophie’s groovy makeover/ sudden untapped cheerleading ability, Judge Parker

    When it all comes down to it, this is sheer What The Fuck. Here’s a girl who has been a nerd since day one and has had nothing but contempt for popularity and fashion and social niceties, suddenly Putting Her Mind To It and winning a cheerleading team spot. Are you kidding me? All the gymnastics and timing and workouts those kids go through, and what, Sophie just walks out and wows them with little more than a couple of little braids in her hair with little butterfly accessories?! HUH?!

    Spider-man’s Electro and his unbelievable powers that simply are not feasible in this universe came close, but then we must remember this is the world of Spiderman, where running from trouble and watching TV and not getting a real job when you can eke out a living taking photos OF YOURSELF running from supervillain trouble is what you do best. So yeah, water can bend its course in midair because Spiderman is known for its ability to fail the laws of science.

    Most Totally Awesome Panel

    Tommie gets her marching orders to Bathroom, Apartment 3-G
    Marvin pisses out pure evil, 4/8 Marvin
    “Some Enchanted Evening” Charlie sits alone, Mary Worth
    Ziggy finds his pants, Ziggy
    Godiva by the pool, Judge Parker
    Masky McDeath parody, My Cage

    We’ve been dogging Ziggy for so long, it was only right that we ‘honor’ him here. Tom Wilson has a great sense of humor and takes kidding well; a small beehive statue goes to Stephan Pastis for bringing the matter to a head. So to speak.

    However, Charlie was a terrific guest character, and his lonely enchanted evenings touched us. And I will show you where on this doll.

    Most Totally Awesome Thing

    The Scott’s Drug Bust Pool Spreadsheet
    Josh on Jeopardy!
    What Would Margo Do? Bracelets
    Josh appears in Jumble

    Are you kidding, that shit was stuffed full of win! Oh, Josh is going big-time; we’re not surprised that he was on Jeopardy! and we’re awestruck that he was placed IN A PANEL on the comics page! But that Drug Bust Pool was terrific. Yeah I didn’t do so well but what the hell, it was FUN!

    Most Gratuitous Cheesecake

    Tiffany and the Dunking Tank, Luann
    Upton’s girlfriend’s ass, Gasoline Alley 6/30
    June and Rex on the cruise, Rex Morgan
    Godiva Danube, Judge Parker

    Although all Cheesecake is pretty much Gratuitous, it was just the unholy anticipation of seeing June Morgan prance around in next to nothing enough to get even REX to think romantic thoughts, that won the day.

    Most Gratuitous Cheesecake, funnies division

    Jeffy bares it all 7/15. 9/30, Family Circus
    General Halftrack, Beetle Bailey 7/14
    Marvin 8/30 Marvin
    Zits channels Love Is and fails even that, 11/6 Zits

    Zits pretty much had to take it since Love Is is not carried by very many papers, therefore the Zits parody was hard for a lot of people to get. What the Hell…? They’re naked and Jeremy’s taking a PHOTO of Sarah’s bare naked ASS?!?! I’m calling my editor right now…!!

    Most Bizarre Sound Effects

    Wham as a gunblast, MarkTrail
    “Blork!” as a vomit sound - Curtis

    Studies show that “blork” is indeed a viable sound effect for vomiting, albeit not something you might want to experience in real life. However, if you find a gun that will go WHAM, you’d better be the hell far away from it.

    Most Overused Schtick

    Marmaduke is a big dog, Marmaduke
    Sarge and Beetle evidently use a safe word that Beetle forgets when they fight, Beetle Bailey
    Marvin’s “stick figures” Marvin
    Marvin’s Cryspace Marvin
    Pretty much anything Marvin, Marvin

    I think we have a ‘winner’.

    Pegging the Bullshit Meter

    Snakebit Yappy Dog lives, Crankshaft
    ‘Wit’ as a ticket-sales-generating high school production, Funky Winkerbean
    Spider-man’s on-again, off-again useless spider-sense, Spider-man
    Sheriff apologizes to Mark after Mark breaks out of jail, Mark Trail
    Sam Driver uses illegal means of getting information, Judge Parker
    The gnome millionaire, Luann

    This was another difficult choice, being as how a REAL lawyer would lose his license for some of the shit Sam’s pulled recently. But what the hell, bring on the good-looking women and we won’t notice that Sam Driver is a shyster all the way, right? Just like we won’t realize that a rattlesnake that size (in Ohio, yet!) could kill a dog that size with a bite like that, or that nobody can find any information on how Elwood the gnome-looking millionaire made his money, not even when it’s Googled! However, when you realize Mark Trail broke into a store and then BEAT UP the sheriff, BROKE OUT of jail, and STOLE A COP CAR in order to get back to Rusty trapped under the car when by all rights the kid should have been facing the other way and thoroughly DEAD by then, and the SHERIFF APOLOGIZED TO MARK… yeah, bullshit. People are always apologizing to Mark. It’s the Jackelrod Ball, I’m telling you! Its powers are limitless.

    Foreshadowing? What foreshadowing?

    Sassy is in the story = Sassy in danger!Mark Trail
    Scott Hewlett heads to operation H-town where he surely won’t get shot, Mary Worth
    Sideburns = punching, Mark Trail
    A clown = bad guy, Dick Tracy

    Well, when you get a bigass spreadsheet as a result of all the foreshadowing, you know you’ve won the award. Strut it, Mary Worth, you big bad foreshadowing mama, you.

    Bee-Grinding of the Year

    Mary and Toby discussing other people’s lives, Mary Worth
    The Circus storyline that went on and on and on with a particularly gruesome cast, Dick Tracy
    Lost Old People and Tim the Really Terrible Flirt, Rex Morgan
    Luann goes to South Dakota, Apartment 3-G
    Sam and Judge Parker hide out in the cellar during the party, Judge Parker
    Little Willy and the big bad cruise ship, Rex Morgan

    Here’s where the ninja goats damn near rioted here at the Fable Fortress. They wanted the notation “Tommie”, just plain “Tommie”, until I reminded them that Tommie was in a couple of storylines and she even smacked Joe Kelly around a little for some action. It was pointed out that Mary and Toby discussed problems a few days here and there but it DID push the story along a little, albeit with platitudes aplenty.

    How does one go about determining Bee Grinding? It has to be a part of the storyline but it’s just going on and on day after day in a relentless pursuit to string out every puddle and inch it can, for purposes known only to the writer and artist. With that in mind, the 2009 Bee-Grinding Award goes to Apartment 3-G’s Luann goes to South Dakota, largely on the strength of the fact that she barely did anything there, and the few promising story threads petered out and died of starvation. Why was her relationship with her parents so strained? We don’t know, because one day they’d hint at a problem and try to build it up and the next day poof! The crescendo diminished and they plodded along on nothing, until we endured Tommie or Margo again. Where were the scenes of her going out and finding those prairie flowers she was supposed to be painting? Why was her gay cousin or whoever the hell he was, wearing a jaunty colorful scarf around his neck unless he was trolling for companionship and flying his colors? Why did he hint at OTHER matters and they just went absolutely nowhere? Why did she dread going home to South Dakota unless it was because she KNEW it was to be a Bee-Grinding Extravaganza to beat all extravaganzas, and Luann Powers had a front row seat.

    Thank y’all for joining the Ninja goats and me, and the 2009 3rd Annual Bee-Grinding Awards. Go forth and snark!

    Yours,

    Truman A. Fable

  24. Mibbitmaker
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    2/2 Blondie*: THEY GREW BACK!!! (shudder!)

    *Too, too Blondie?

  25. Jason1981
    February 2nd, 2010 at 5:22 am [Reply]

    2/2

    Luann: “But we can’t stand each other! So, don’t worry, we’ll get to wanting to kill each other soon enough. ”

    MT: ……Okay, he understand about “big motors” being restricted but doesn’t want the planes to stop coming. ….But….don’t…planes have big motors? (Yeah, I know, I know..we shouldn’t expect logic from this strip …)

    Pearls: Hmm….anyone thinking that this could lead to Guard Duck getting a new g/f?

  26. True Fable
    February 2nd, 2010 at 5:25 am [Reply]

    I want to see Guard Duck in a serious relationship with one of Mark Trail’s Ubiquiducks.

  27. Ed Power, Cage Writer
    February 2nd, 2010 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    Hey CC folk,

    queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando @ Y95:

    “Lio. Everything is better with platypi!!! (does this count as a MC x-over, or just something that Norm should be cluing in on?)”

    Well, I’m telling people it’s a x-over. :)

    I’d like to take this oppriunity to point out our tvtropes page too:

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MyCage

    Ok, now the ‘insider’ stuff. ;)

    Josh @ Y15

    “The whole Michael-Deanna weirdness was I think more about Lynn J.’s moral code than the syndicates. But I could be wrong.”

    TheCasey @ Y19:

    “And Norm & Bridget from My Cage aren’t married.”

    matt w @ Y25

    “Don’t Norm and Bridget live together in My Cage? I remember that Bridget had a roommate when they were broken up, but they seem to spend all their time together in Norm’s apartment otherwise.”

    Ok, here’s the deal. When we signed the development deal with KFS the only chnage they requested (at first) was that Norm and Bridget couldn’t live together.

    At first we dropped more clues that Bridget was just always at Norm’s place but didn’t live there. Now, I just keep things kind of ambiguous. Readers can decide what they want.

    Speaking of the early days of the strip, did I mention you can buy our book at either createspace:

    https://www.createspace.com/3415444

    Or amazon.com:

    http://www.amazon.com/Cage-Year-One-Melissa-DeJesus/dp/1449942512/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263806499&sr=1-2

    Anyway, hope I’ve provided some insight….but most likely not….but I trired. :)

    Best,
    -Ed

  28. John C Fremont
    February 2nd, 2010 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    GT – 311? Hmm. Omaha Stylee, indeed!

    Or something.

  29. Mordock999
    February 2nd, 2010 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    Somewhere in the VAST Luanniverse….,

    Captain – “What is Thy bidding, my Empress?”

    Empress Nancy – “Execute Order 66.”

    Captain – “It SHALL be done, My Mistress!”

    Later…,

    Brad – “Captain, can Toni Daytona work at this Fire Station?”

    Captain – “NO! Now, get the HELL out of My office and GET back to WORK!”

    A little later…,

    Captain – “It is DONE, My Mistress.”

    Empress Nancy – “Excellent! Now, have Lady Shannon make contact!”

    Captain -”Lady Shannon, the Empress Commands you to make Contact!”

    Lady Shannon – “Captain, move the Fire Station OUT of the City so that I may receive a Clear Signal!”

    Captain – “Very Good, My Lady.”

    Lady Shannon – “What is THY bidding, My Mistress?”

    Empress Nancy – “How goes our plot to DESTROY the romance between Brad and Toni Daytona?”

    Lady Shannon – “Very Well, My Mistress! My CONSTANT whining and nagging has DRIVEN Brad to the point that he NO LONGER desires Sex with Toni. SOON, he will No longer EVEN want to pleasure himself!”

    Empress Nancy – “Good, Gooood!” SOON, we will CRUSH Toni Daytona and Brad will be mine once again!!” I have FORESEEN this! You have done VERY WELL my young apprentice!!”

    Lady Shannon – “Shall I sabotage the gas pedal on Toni’s Toyota?”

    Empress Nancy – “No, my young apprentice! THAT has ALREADY been taken care of! Your WORK here is FINISHED my Friend! WAIT for me at the Fire Station. EVERYTHING is going as planned! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!”

    _____________________________

    DEATH to TJ!!!

  30. Ed Dravecky
    February 2nd, 2010 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#16): Thanks for the love, but for the record I’m the Plugger-sized 41-year old guy on the left while Harold LeDoux is the dapper-looking 83-year old gentleman on the right who began drawing Judge Parker more than 15 years before I was born.

    Mr. LeDoux was only at the Dallas Comic Con for a couple of hours on Saturday and I was working but it was a thrill to break away for a few minutes to chat with him and get an autograph. I only wish I could have afforded some of the original artwork, including a stack of original strips from the ’90s, he had for sale at his table.

  31. Charterstoned
    February 2nd, 2010 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Congrats, commodorejohn! I am honored to be on the float! (I know you’re waving, gently, at your adoring fans. I’m just smiling and holding on, enjoying the thrilling ride!)

  32. K. Ivan Ruppert
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Back when I was young enough to warrant having to buy one of those boxes of valentine cards so I’d have enough to give one to everyone in my class, I don’t think I can think of a more embarassing offering than Mary Worth valentines. I mean even having to give valentines bought from the clearance bin the year before or being forced by your parents to make them from scratch wouldn’t get you laughed at as hard as someone giving out cards featuring some annoying old lady from that ghetto of wasted paper that was the part of the comics page where the soap comics resided.

  33. Mela
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Tuesday’s stuff:

    Archie: Why does Archie have a voodoo doll of himself?

    ‘Shaft: This seems to be an argument urging forced euthanasia of all Boomers. It’s the only way to make the intense smugness go away.

    ReFOOB: Yes, Lynn, we get it. With single parents, it’s all about them and how they suffer. Unlike you and how you suffer because your husband’s dead weight.

    FW: I will not be happy until veterans’ groups latch onto Batiuk like a pit bull on a burglar’s throat. Smug bastard deserves it.

    Luann: Send Chief Buzz-Cut there to deal with the Luann/Gunther problem, and all our problems will be solved. Seems like a brick wall of good taste.

    MC: That is simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.

  34. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Whoa! I’m on the float! I feel like I should dress all fancy now. Maybe Dawn will let me borrow her cute purple foot-wrap thingies.

  35. Anselm
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    I agree with Watterson, but it would be nice over the twenty years if he put out a book of new Calvin and Hobbes every five years or so. He could take his time, do it just right and as he wants without restrictions.

  36. Bryan
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lane: “Some bridge at a place called Arnhem. Never heard of it.”
    Edge City: I remember, when I was a kid, getting to call an adult by his first name was a rare and special treat.

  37. ChattyGenes
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23):

    Bravo, Truman! These are magnificent! Fun to read, and a GREAT review of the year in comics. Thank you for your time and effort–nobody, but NOBODY does it better!

  38. tb4000
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    SF: I was gonna call them out today on being anachronistic jokey with that Hot Topic gag, but I looked it up and it turns out it opened in 1988 so technically, Ted could have worked there before Hilary was born. Damn you.

  39. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): Thank you thank you thank you! That was a wonderful reminder of the highlights and lowlights of 2009. I think you and the ninja goats made wise choices (although I was surprised that “Scott is shot!!!!” didn’t get a nomination in the Best Lines category.) If you need a tagline for the awards, you could use “Remembering the funnies so you don’t have to.”

    Congrats to commodorejohn and all the float riders, and thanks for all the giggles, snorts, and guffaws.

    And finally, giant squid!

  40. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    MW – Is Kurt listening to this conversation? Or is he already on Facebook searching for Martin Clark? (“He’s gotta have a FB page… gotta be less dorky than this Wilbur guy… I gotta start over on this scam…”)

  41. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    TMMB: This is Spinal Tap! teh funny, it goes to eleven!

    GT: girl needs some junk in that trunk. call Barreto, stat!

    JP: mmmm, coffee.

    MG&G + MC: ewwwwww to the two

    NS: wow, talk about Art Shift. Would have been fairly funny otherwise.

    Ghost-who-ponders: Torpedoes?!?!? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

    RMMD: bats:[ alert, Panel 2. bats :[ alert, Panel 2.

    RwO: win. o so much win.

    6C: what happens to those who go out early on the various Food Network shows.

    InkPen: *snicker* well played, sir.

    A&J: nice Groundhogs Day strip, but RwO did it better.

    SpeedBump: see yesterdays Pluggers.

    mollificent, if you don’t already read Over The Hedge, you should check it out, I think you’ll get a real kick out of yesterday’s and especially today’s strips.

  42. 8th Man Fan
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): To me, your Awards post is the most awesome thing, somehow turning a whole host of lemons into lemonade. Great job, as usual. Way back then, Amateur proposed the pool and I set up the spreadsheet to keep track of the bets people were making, but whatever awesomeness it has is due to all the witty people who posted all those funny bets. Take a well-deserved bow, everyone.

  43. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Meddling Kids, pro and con.

  44. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#44): In the “pro” picture, the van appears to have a ginormous pencil on top! Could these be new members of the League of Punctuation Avengers? (And I like the outfit on the one who’s not Marmaduke. Maybe we could expand the Avengers’ wardrobe choices to include Doc Martens with knee sox.)

  45. Calico
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    #23 – Yes.
    Great choices, with some great snark to accompany them.

  46. Calico
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#44):
    Almost looks like Velma and Scooby, or maybe Marmaduke.

  47. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#47):

    note the name on the van, and the “RIP” initials? Should answer the question!

    and that thing on top is a gynormous stake, for vampyres both sparkly and non. But especially the sparkly ones. :-D

  48. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#48): I was thinking zombies, based on the green hand in Marmaduke’s mouth. But I suppose there’s no reason they couldn’t stake vampires and zombies both.

  49. Professor Fate
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    MW: Wilbur is getting up to make a sandwhich. The memories of his old girl flirting with other men has made Wilbur hungry. But then everything makes wilbur hungry.

  50. Mibbitmaker
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Curtis: You’re so cliche, Michelle.

    ECity: It’s not a joke, but it is preachy.

    ReFOOB: Yer all heart, ma!

    NS: Not as much as in Curtis, Kate.

  51. UnclGhost
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    http://www.cleveland.com/living/index.ssf/2010/02/fans_still_pine_for_calvin_and.html

    The fuller article mentions Funky Winkerbean as one of the dependable, amusing strips in the “funny pages.” Speaking of comics the author hasn’t read in 15 years…

  52. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    2/2

    BB: If it’s as original as representing an idea with a compact fluorescent bulb then… no, not that new.

    MW: I’m sorry. I can’t look at this long enough to think of anything clever.

    Phantom: No matter what the captain with the great ass tells you, there is no sex in the torpedo room. None. There is no sex in the torpedo room. Oh there’s torpedoes in the torpedo room. But you don’t want torpedoes, you want sex.

    S-M: Should’ve used the doorbell, Spidey. Now the FF are going to take turns making you squeal like a pig. And Sue has those invisible forcefield strap-ons…

    Momma: Sonia Hobbs visits her Plugger drug connection.

    SSmith: Is Snuffy usually portrayed with ill-fitting dentures? And those would be ill-fitting in anyone who didn’t have a perfect canister-shaped mouth.

    FW: C’mon now. College textbooks run, like, eighty bucks a pop. He could sell them back and recoup some beer money, anyway. The army wouldn’t take anyone that dumb, would they?

    DtM: Dennis’ fake helpfulness is, if not menacing per se, at least irritating to his mother. He loses points, though, since it was obviously his dad’s idea. Be the master, not the puppet.

    Archie: “Also, you need to keep Italian subs in the refrigerator, unless you’re aiming to get trichinosis.”

    S4th: Ted is apparently flashing back to the years he spent as Joan Jett’s live-in boyfriend. Ah, youth!

    Luann: “Oh, so that’s what fraternization means. I always thought it was just getting hazed and drinking through a funnel.”

    GT: What’s that tentative embrace in the background? Is Throp enhancing its nonsensical sports action with nonsensical girl-on-girl action?

    A3G: So this “useless” guy gives Bobbie a hot tip on her husband’s whereabouts, and she cans him for his trouble? She screwed her PI, but not in the fun way like she does with her psychiatrists.

  53. Comcis Fan
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Ooh, thanks for the CsOTW runner-up nod, and congrats to the others!

    FW: It looks like Wally is quickly headed to Funkytown, in a classically serious Funky way. Not good.

    FC: PJ channels Jackson Pollack and wonders how soon he can move to his own bungalow far from Keane Kompound.

    Blondie: Everyone knows Dagwood is “da man” because for a week now, he’s been walking around the office telling people they look “bad.” A cool cat who knows that “bad” can mean “good” must be “da man.”

    DtM: His parents continue to show their unfitness for parenthood. Five-year-old offers to help by turning on the dishwasher. This is cute and indeed indicates interest in helping. And in return, flush-cheeked Mom stares hate daggers at the boy, while unhelpful Dad smiles wickedly just outside the kitchen, a room he apparently is unwilling to enter. Save the anger for Hank, Alice.

    RMMD: June carries such a big grudge against Aunt Betty and all her direct descendants for all time over the purloined family heirlooms that she can’t be bothered to investigate whether teenage cousin Brook is fibbing about the attempted murder or whether the authorities need to be told about Aunt Betty. And we mean told about Aunt Betty maybe pushing her daughter down the stairs, not stealing Grandma’s furniture. “Who knows if it’s really true! (And who cares?)” Get a hold of yourself, Nurse Morgan.

  54. Comcis Fan
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    P.S. re FC: Could PJ actually be “Jackson Pollack” in reverse? What other secret messages might we find embedded in Family Circus if we play it backwards?

  55. rocketbride
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    yay! i’m up on high! i only get up here once a year, so i’ll try very hard not to let it go to my head. *waves*

  56. Ribinin
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#54):

    And we mean told about Aunt Betty maybe pushing her daughter down the stairs, not stealing Grandma’s furniture. “Who knows if it’s really true! (And who cares?)” Get a hold of yourself, Nurse Morgan.

    This represents quite a dilemma for June because Betty is just the kind of person who would kill her daughter, who is a an inveterate liar, so Betty didn’t. June wishes Betty better luck next time so June can turn Betty in, now that Brook has named Betty as her future killer.

  57. commodorejohn
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): All that happened? Man, 2009 was a busy year for the funnies. Anyway, terrific job on the awards this year!

    A3G – Oh, Bobbie, I love you.

    Blondie – Continuity? Pff!

    Crock – …I…um…

    Curtis – Direct a choir? I thought she was an actress. It’s not even a guarantee that thespians can sing, much less get other people singing in unison. Still, at least it doesn’t beggar belief as much as Slim of Gasoline Alley constantly being asked to fill in at jobs where he is negatively qualified.

    DT – I find reading Tess’s lines with altered emphasis to be very cathartic. “Try enjoying yourself, dick.

    FW – Ha ha!

    GT – Wouldn’t it be great if it was actually Charlie Smith in that apartment?

    JP – Yeah, he’s so old-fashioned he thinks that the legal system is some new-fangled thing he can just ignore until it goes away.

    Luann – Thank you, Fire Station Dude. You did your part to keep things from getting even more nauseating, and that’s all we can ask of you.

    MT – So we get to learn about the plot by watching two indistinguishable old men talk to each other while Mark looks on in dumb silence. No way this could get confusing.

    MW – “Yeah, Dad? If you look you’ll notice that I actually had time to leave the room, take a shower, and come out here in my bathrobe while you were yammering. What I’m trying to say is, nobody’s listening.”

    PBS – Not bad, but the lady swan really should’ve been named “Rita.” Just sayin’.

    Phantom – Hoooleeey shit.

    Popeye – So first it’s a hermaphroditic sea monster, and now we’ve got a unisexual race of blob-things? Popeye is getting seriously bizarre.

    SF – Okay, that fixes this at 1988 or later. Ces, you’re trying to screw with us, aren’t you?

    SM – Okay, I’m beginning to think it’s difficult for people to not sucker-punch Spider-Man. It’s like he has some sort of blunt-trauma magnet in his head.

    Edison Lee – Right, yeah, that’ll work as a long-term solution. I suppose we could probably lower the number of traffic accidents by abolishing cars, too.

  58. Comcis Fan
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    MW: Beetle Bailey’s energy-saving lightbulb materializes off camera above Wilbur’s head as Wilbur suddenly registers the strong resemblance that Kurt bears to one Martin Clark. In a melodramatically ironic bit of artistry, this bulb flash darkens Wilbur’s world, i.e., his living room.

  59. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    #23 True Fable,
    Oh dear God. The pet deer/battered wife syndrome smarmfest actually happened. It happened in my lifetime. I lived through that. Comics-related PTSD was making me forget.

  60. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:58 am [Reply]

  61. TheDiva
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Congrats CotWers!

    C’shaft: Even when Pam is insufferably smug and annoying, she’s still not as irritating as Crankshaft.

    DT: “Strange…this violin appears to be wearing a whalebone corset…”

    FW: You know, when you literally throw your GI Bill money into the trash can, I think you officially forfeit any right to complain about Uncle Sam letting you down.

    Luann: No, please, transfer Toni to Brad’s station. Nothing will break them apart faster than forcing them to co-exist in a professional setting.

    MW: Why do I get the feeling that “flirting”=”casually talking to” and “argued”=”slapped her around and told her to go make me a sandwich”?

  62. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wha–? Abbey flirted with other men? I find that hard to believe, Wilbur, because looking at you in that pose, pendulous belly filling out those light-blue Sansabelts, pale, doughy arms flexed seductively behind your head, as you parade your droopy ass right in front of Dawn’s face, I cannot imagine how any red-blooded woman could restrain herself from from pushing you back onto that elevated green chair and mounting you right there.

    SM: Spider-Man, or someone in a Spidey costume: The only difference might be that the guy in the Spidey costume doesn’t get hit in the head as much as Spider-Man does.

    BR: Win!

    Bl: So that’s it for the haircut gag? I’d be really disappointed, but this is Blondie, and I don’t actually give a crap.

    Speed Bump: Hey, look! It’s Dr. Ari’s mom!

    MT: Where’s Tuggle? I can only assume that he was consumed by one of those giant, airborne fish. “Ben’s Fishing Camp: Where You’ll Get Plenty of Fish, If They Don’t Get You First.”

  63. Chip Whittle
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    So everybody except me is just fine that Spider-Man is being beaten up by the Fantastic Four’s stunt doubles? Actually, I’m fine with that too.

    There is clearly nothing Rose Is Rose could do which would startle Rose’s mailman at all anymore.

    Popeye: Once again, an attempt to take over the world has been foiled by the would-be conquerers failing to learn anything from watching Ghostbusters.

  64. Écureuil Écumant
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    FW: Well, now we know where Dawn found those big ugly books she was totin’ around for no reason all last week when she went down to the pool to bitch to Mary.

    BB: In a perfect comparative illustration of wasted energy, Beetle’s brain has only 33% the wattage of the fluorescent bulb.

  65. Calico
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#61):
    Hahaha! You beat me to it!
    SQUID! GIANT ONES!

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): Oh, True Fable, if you were standing here, I’d give you a big ole kiss of overpowering admiration! I bow to your brilliance.

    @wossname (#45): I’m thinking combination pencil / cruise missile. And I want one.

  67. Calico
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#48):
    Got it – they took out the other three. Go V!

  68. Écureuil Écumant
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    MT: … And if you thought marten vs. porky was the main event, just watch the upcoming pork-barrel match as backwoods senators square off against one another for undeserved boodle, with Mark caught squarely in the middle!

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    #64 Chop Whittle,
    I’m pretty sure that’s a mailwoman at RIR’s door. Or is that femailwoman?

  70. mollificent
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): Yay Bee Grinding Awards! Beautifully done, Fablelicious. Give the ninja goats a kiss for me. :)

  71. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#66):
    Hey now – I beat you both to the giant squid revelation, at #40 — altho queek’s article in considerably funnier than mine.

  72. wossname
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#72): IS, not in. I was so obsessing over making the link work that I forgot about the words. It’s hell being a grammar super-heroine sometimes.

  73. mollificent
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    P.S. and lest I forget, congrats to the floaters and commodorejohn…that COTW was both funny and insightful!

  74. Calico
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#72):
    Hey Now Hey Now!
    Sorry I missed – I hope Jack Elrod saw the news.

  75. mollificent
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#42): Haha, awesome! Thanks for the heads-up. I used to read OtH, and kinda forgot about it. I’ll have to keep an eye on it. :)

  76. mollificent
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#63) re: MW: AUGH brain bleach brain bleach brainbleachbrainbleach…

  77. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#73): As long as the “hell” consists of “in” vs. “is,” I’m okay with it—but none of this “tortured super-hero” business for me: no Peter-Parkeresque whining, no dark Batman-brooding, no Wolverinian wandering of lonely streets at night. Nope, we’ll be cheery Avengers, always ready to share cocktails and snarky laughs.

  78. SDiego Diego
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Maybe, we’ll next see Wally suck-starting a .45. As someone who’s done his (and others) time in the service, I can only say that that’s the only honorable thing for Batnuts to do at this point. . . When I think of all the people I see at Balboa (Naval Hospital) who are smokin’, jokin’, and cokin’ while they’re learning to walk on fake legs and then compare them to this BS, I want to pay a visit to the “artiste’s” home myself.

  79. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @mollificent (#76): I’ve been trying to branch out a bit on the Yahoo comics, and OTH is one of the ones that I’ve started reading recently, along with Ink Pen. I saw today’s and immediately thought of you. (One of the fun parts of this place, you get to enjoy comics that you know other ‘mudgeons will like, as well as the ones that you like yourself.)

    @wossname (#40): sorry for not noticing, your post was made while I was typing for the post at 42. There’s a link to some awesome pics from the local Fox affiliate in my link, so its worth checking out those as well. Reality, inspired by the Sunday Mark Trail! :-D

  80. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#78): “Wolverinian wandering ”

    *love*

  81. H-Bob
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Bryan (#37): “I remember, when I was a kid, getting to call an adult by his first name was a rare and special treat.” I was watching some kids’ cartoon, and a character said “Mr. Smith is my father — call me Captain Smith” !

  82. Muffaroo
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    9CL – If Kiesl’s so calm, why is he smoking two cigarettes?

    Crock“How often do we have these devastating sandstorms, sir?” “Just on days when I can’t think of any new gags.” Okay, so now we know why the Sahara is covered ass deep in sand.

    Gasoline – If Nina Wallet dressed all in black and went prowling at night, she’d be Ninja Wallet.

    Hi – Ah. For a moment, I thought we were going to have a new comic strip called Rip Klunk. Possibly something that would take place in the 80s or 90s.

    Pluggers only have four chickens. Well, five, counting the wife.

    R=R“I must look pretty silly.” “Don’t worry. Nobody’s laughing.”

  83. Muffaroo
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#5): She? Kids today don’t recognize the fine name of Old Man Muffaroo!

    @True Fable (#23): What a bounty of considered snark. Thanks for that! I would call the graceful curve of Oogie or Snoofy or whatever Upton’s girlfriend’s name was the BEST cheesecake. Anyway, it was nice to think about it again. (Cue the voice of Jeff Albertson, “Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”)

    @Mibbitmaker (#24): THEY GREW BACK!!! I expect that moments after the barber snipped them, the new ones quietly emerged, possibly with a quiet whirrr and a decisive click as they reached their proper placement, 2.5 seconds later.

    @R4 (#25): 4Q, spambot!

  84. Muffaroo
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    In other news:

    WILLIAM SHATNER reviewed genre-linked male perfumes, opining that Star Trek Tiberius Cologne ‘smells vaguely like Captain Kirk after a hard day’s work’, while Spongebob Squarepants Cologne for Men ‘had a harsh overtone of fried eggs and olive oil’ and Spider-Man Cologne for Men by Marvel is infused with spider-strength: ‘If you work out a lot and don’t wash your clothes for about two weeks, this scent might cover that scent. Because it’s really powerful.’ (_Maxim_, January) [MMW]

    [via Ansible 271, by Dave Langford, Feb 2010]

  85. Mela
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @SDiego Diego (#79): So it’s not just me being infuriorated at his “writing” with this subject? Thank God. There’s melodrama, and then there’s arrogant preening masquerading as “issue raising” that deserves to be taken down a peg. Guess which Batiuk’s doing.

  86. MaryAnnTheRest
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23):

    Awesome recap, full of the funny! I remember all those storylines, my god. Oh well, at least I didn’t waste my year at work.

  87. Muffaroo
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Blimey, Sarge! – I scanned this item from my bookshelf this morning, as being of possible interest to some of you. It’s a couple of pages from an annual collection of “TV Comic” strips from the UK. The cover’s a classic, joining characters in a number of incompatible styles in a group scene (I particularly like the grim expression of “Orlando” as he doggedly rides the roller coaster).

    Anyway, what I found notable was the treatment of Beetle Bailey for an audience that may have seen the comic strip but was no doubt being fed a steady diet of those wretched King Features animated cartoons (from the makers of those Al Brodax “Popeyes” and the “Aw Aw AWWWW!” Snuffy Smiths). I chose a two-page strip to share, mostly because it was the one least like the US strip, and it includes several familiar characters (Killer isn’t wearing his boner hat). Page 1: Sarge gets busted. Page 2: Sarge turns into a viking. (Click on ‘All Sizes’ to see them bigger. Or smaller, if that’s your thing.)

  88. Joe the Plugger
    February 2nd, 2010 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    In 9CL, every day is Groundhog’s Day.

  89. Little Guy
    February 2nd, 2010 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Fantastic CsOTW, people. The Don Zimmer 95-Win Memorial Kudo to Ed Dravecky and his Spiderman:Miami comment. Any other week, it would be tops. However, you can’t go wrong with ‘Judge Parker’ and ‘Amish’ in the same sentence. Maybe, when the COTWs accept wild cards….

  90. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    February 2nd, 2010 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): Congrats on another great Bee-Grinding Awards! I have a nomination for next year’s Pegging The Bullshit Meter Award: today’s Dick Tracy, in which a supposedly trained and professional symphony musician can’t notice a difference in sound in his Stradivarius after something large enough for him to notice a difference in weight was secreted inside it.

    You also need a Most Disturbing Coloring Award, so I could nominate Johnny Storm’s Merkin of Fire.

  91. Poteet
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @KarMann (#16): Good point — I was too mesmerized by the combined eyes of Rachel (lovely) and Mary Worth (terrifying basilisk) to properly appreciate the handsome dudes below. Wish I could have been there with them.

  92. bats :[
    February 2nd, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    GOSH! Truman, you’ve done it again! Kudos!
    And on behalf of Count Morgu (who’s either in his daytime hidey-hole or in the 4th floor linen supply closest with you-know-who), let me say that it’s an honor just to be nominated, particularly by ninja goats.

  93. Aynthem
    February 2nd, 2010 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    King Features has a Funky Winkerbean store. They sell a “Stay Funky” design featuring a pre-drunken, disheartened, and disowned Funky. They sell a design featuring a pre-deaf Harry Dinkle rocking out playing the sax. They sell a “Let’s Celebrate” design that features Les and pre-dead Lisa. I believe this product line will never be updated, unless Cafe Press starts offering hospital gowns, sackcloth, and toe tags.

  94. mr 12 oz can
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    racheal whoever she is looks quite sweet in her mary worth t shirt too bad its not purple .

  95. Carrie ForthWorth
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#23): True Fable, I salute you. Particularly fine picks for Worst Storyline, Squickiest Moment, Most Insufferable Regular Character(s) (yes Mrs. DeGroot is a beeeeeeatch) and Pegging the Bullshit Meter (not only does Mark get away with his various felonies, the Sheriff actually apologizes. BS BS BS …

    Hmm, Doc Martens and knee sox. Well, it would make running easier. These suede heels are hell.

    Rachel sweetie I think you’re probably the only person who can both rock a Mary Worth t-shirt and look cute. :)

  96. rachel
    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    thank you for posting my picture, Josh! and thanks to some of you for the compliments. i’m trying to increase Mary Worth awareness among college students. i promote her cause by advising everyone to make the most socially acceptable choices, regardless of what might be best for them! next up: buying all of my friends ugly salmon-colored blazers.

  97. Mobile Tracker
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    Awesome recap, abounding of the funny! I bethink all those adventure lines, my god. Oh well, at atomic I didn’t decay my year at work. [ Cell Phone GPS Tracking ]

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