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Hail Mary, full of crap

Mary Worth, 7/23/06

BEHOLD PANEL SIX! MARY’S HEAVENLY GLORY AND RADIANCE IS REVEALED! MARY WORTH, QUEEN OF ANGELS, HAVE MERCY UPON US! WE SINNERS ARE NOT WORTHY TO BASK IN YOUR GLOW!

Ahem. Mary’s divine nimbus livens up this otherwise shapeless outing in which Toby gossips in a fashion in which no actual human ever gossips, to wit: with a total dearth of even made-up details as to what Aldo’s done and how the information got to Toby’s ears. This is the sort of dialogue one expects out of a grizzled old gasoline station owner trying to keep a group of kids from going up to that haunted campground, not Charterstone’s resident trophy wife.

In panels four and seven, Toby has the concerned and slightly confused look that supermodels get when they’ve discovered some great injustice in the world and can’t understand why the public won’t take their political activism seriously. Fortunately for plotting purposes, I’m guessing Mary will ignore her and run head-first into danger.

44 responses to “Hail Mary, full of crap”

  1. sally
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Man, I had the EXACT same reaction upon seeing this — I guess it’s not a coincidence after all that she’s named MARY!!!!

  2. Moke
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    Yeah Josh, you should have that panel transferred onto some of those tall, glass catholic saint candles (like they sell in the Mexican food aisle) and sell them on your site.

  3. Daniel.
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    When you say “FIVE” you mean “SIX”, right?

  4. BJ Gumby
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Five is this year’s six….

  5. Josh
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Er, yeah, six. I fixed.

    jf

  6. Lydia
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Have you noticed that the past three days of MW have just been Mary and Toby repeating the same thing?

  7. Jill Smith
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    “Half of the [lies] are true”?

    WTF??

    Sorry. I shouldn’t expect Mary Worth to make any sense whatsoever.

  8. Merdz
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    “I don’t put much credence into gossip… but I AM curious AND a huge gossip myself, so I can’t wait to hear what you know….”

  9. Ellie
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    “There are a lot of terrible lies going on about the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.”

    But … if they’re true then they’re not … urgh … grr… excuse me, my head just exploded all over the keyboard.

  10. Chris
    July 24th, 2006 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Toby’s going to hire Stalker to kill her fat, ugly husband so she can take up with one the Charterstone gardners.

  11. Hogenmogen
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    MW: This is the story: See the two biddies (other than Mary in this strip?
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mary.asp?date=20060716
    They saw Mary and Aldo together. One made a comment to the other, who said something to “Wendy” who said something to the “tofu croquette” couple, who said something to Ian, who said something to Toby, who is now telling Mary. Down the grape vine it changed meaning to “I think Aldo’s wife didn’t die of accidental causes.” The original comment was “I bet Mary whacked her husband for insurance money. I hate that bitch.”

    The story line could all be about how gossip gets out of control. Why do I guess that? Because it is the lamest, most sedate direction I can imagine for this set up. However, the authors of MW have astounded me in the past, dreaming up even lamer and more sedate plot lines than I could invent. They are truly in a class beyond me.

  12. Bootsybooks
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    #11 Yes, yes, you’re on to something. Lame, tame and sedate (as an adjective not a noun).

    Aldo Kelrast turns out to be…..(wait for it) MISUNDERSTOOD!!

    Yes, he’s merely misunderstood. Dr. Jeff flies back from Indonesia and fixes his cleft palate. He gets a real haricut, and thery all have tofu croquettes by the pool.

    No one swims.

    Yes yes yes.

  13. Mooncity
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    The only way this “Mary Worth” storyline could be even remotely original would be if Mary got whacked by Aldo. But that might be a problem for future storylines of “Mary Worth”, but that hasn’t stopped “Barney Google”, whom we never ever see any more. Maybe the inaction in this comic could be transferred to Rita or Toby…?

  14. Ellie
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I just had a ‘Bring out the Gimp’ moment but with Mary as Ving Rhames’ character. Or Mary as the Gimp.

    I think I need help.

  15. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    What in God’s name are Mary and her vacuous blonde companion eating? It looks more like a discharge than a meal.

  16. Shamazon
    July 24th, 2006 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Is it me, or does anyone else find it ultra creepy that Mary’s stalker is a dead ringer for Captain Kangeroo?

  17. lfytvelo
    July 24th, 2006 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    today’s For Better or Worse,

    is it just me, or does Elizabeth have a bun in the oven in the first panel?

    A parting gift from Mtigwaki???

  18. Hogenmogen
    July 24th, 2006 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    #17 – lfytvelo – yeah, I thought the same. That would make a cool story line – would it explain her lack of sleep?

    #16 – Shamazon – did you also notice that Kelrast can be rearranged to spell “stalker”? I hate to break it to you, but it’s been mentioned like once or twice or three hundred times.

    #15 – mere cog – Tofu croquettes, of course. The new rage that’s sweeping the nation. Tag line: Have you had your croquette yet?

  19. reddog
    July 24th, 2006 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    Aldo is a cross between UN Ambassador John Bolton and Captain Kangaroo. He has the Capn’ facial features, Bolton’s anger and he is on the rebound from Condi Rice.

  20. Scumbaggioni
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    #9: Thank you for the hearty laugh.

  21. Shirley
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    I agree with Sally.

  22. Ginger
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Toby’s bon mot is actually an old chestnut attributed to Winston Churchill.

    He didn’t say the last bit of it in boldface, though. That’s Toby’s touch.

  23. treedweller
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    “. . . and if I were you, maybe it’s better to keep it that way.”

    Worst subjunctive clause agreement ever. Could have been worse:

    . . . and if I were you, the DOW average is up this week.

    . . . and if I were you, licorice is an amazing plant!

    . . . and if I were you, “Cathy” still sucks.

  24. ComicsFan
    July 24th, 2006 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Josh, with all the new traffic you seem to be getting these days (ads on the urinal splashgaurds seem to working for ya!) perhaps every MW post these days should end with “Boy, that Aldo still looks like Captain Kangaroo!” Or never mind the MW requirement–just put it on every post. Every. Single. One.

    The worse solution is that people can race to post it first. “First to say Aldo looks like CK! And his name is an anagram of ‘stalker’! Ha!”

    Grumpy today.

  25. crystacook12
    July 24th, 2006 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    i did not understand the concept of this comic/….commentary-simalarity

  26. Sheila
    July 24th, 2006 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    Ooh, that Mary — NOT a woman of principle. She’s always set her face against gossip… UNLESS it’s especially juicy, I guess.

    As for Lizardbreath, is there ANY hope that she’ll get a clue and go BACK up north instead of sticking around home to be stalked by Anthony and buried under her mother’s casseroles? Any? C’mon, Liz……….

  27. Grinderman
    July 24th, 2006 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    Her “demise?”

  28. Topliff
    July 24th, 2006 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    Putting aside the sloppy artwork in today’s FBOFW, story line suggest tough-sledding for Anthony. Not likely Lynn will allow Elizabeth to bounce back from today’s malaise anytime soon. I would guess Doright gets his city legs in the near future and all’s well that ends.

  29. Anonymous
    July 24th, 2006 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    Someone should tell Elizabeth that if you really liked this guy mabey moving home so you could spend quality time with your overprotective mother wasn’t the best bet. Besides she’s too busy outlining her grown son’s book to talk to you.

  30. TurtleBoy
    July 24th, 2006 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    There must be a memo making its way around the cartooning community regarding the naming of evil, vaguely sinister, or at least particularly inane characters…note the high incidence of such characters with names beginning “KEL”: KELrast… KELpfroth… KELly…coincidence?…

  31. catastrophile
    July 25th, 2006 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    26 — I don’t think Mary’s interested in it as gossip; for her, it’s a potential meddling opportunity.

  32. DarkLady
    July 25th, 2006 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    #17 — oh, that would explain a lot about her moodiness and alternating “I’m happy I’m miserable.”

    Oh, please, please, please let it be true! It would serve the little idiot right, and give her mommy something more to “worry” about… not to mention cause #20 to come true (Anthony snapping when he realizes she didn’t save herself for him, after he did all that work saving her from that weirdo at work)

  33. Hysterical Woman
    July 25th, 2006 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Somebody is trying to meddle in Mary’s life? Nobody meddles with the meddler!

  34. Pelagius
    July 25th, 2006 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Why must Mary and Toby END EVERY SENTENCE WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK!

  35. Sean-o
    July 25th, 2006 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    “There are a lot of terrible lies going about the world.” So these lies are travelling around the world, business-class? The subject of these lies is “the world”? Does “terrible” mean they are unconvincing or more effective? Try “ESL for Dummies.”

    Also, if she’s a “trophy wife”, I’d trade her in for a version that smiled occasionally; panel 2 makes her look like she’s about to go buck wild, raging against these awful lies, 50% of which are true. Perhaps she meant “rumors” or “bad intentioned thoughts” or something; God only knows. What a horrible comic strip!

    Hey, did anyone notice the similarity between Dildo Kelpfroth and Captain Kanga…oh wait, never mind, it may already have been mentioned…

  36. Merdz
    July 25th, 2006 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    MT is a shining beacon of sexism this month. First Kelly gets tackled by good ol’ Mark, who comments he “should have known” she was the idiot who got too close to the bear. (All while mistaking her for a man– after all, you would never assume it’s a woman when you’re in the woods.) Then you spend several strips with ultra closeups of Kelly batting her eyelashes and inquiring about everyone’s marriage status. Then Rick compares women to dangerous wild animals.

    Today takes the cake, though. “I’m a woman, so my editor gives me dumb, boring indoor assigments.”
    “I agree with your editor. Wouldn’t want to take any chances.”

    I guess the one saving grace is Rick’s hideous snoz.

  37. tefflan
    July 25th, 2006 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Hey Mary and Toby! What’s Mary Worth? Whatever she can get on the market. Haw haw haw…hey! Wait a minute! I don’t know if anyone else has seen this, but damn if Aldo Kelrast doesn’t look like Captain Kangaroo! I know you don’t pay much attention to gossip, Mary, but there’s been a rumor going around that he might have done away with Bunny Rabbit, Mr Moose, Mr Greenjeans, and that big, dumb, stupid grandfather clock behind the counter that used to talk to him sometimes. I think there was rabbit and moose shit all over the place, and it got him pissed. You know how he’s going to do it, don’t you, Mary? He’s going to murder you in your sleep one night, right after you have…ahem, “surrendered your virtue” to him. He’ll run you through with his pork sword about three or four dozen times, and then he’ll wrap you up in Saran Wrap and dump you into the Charterstone koi pond. Early the next morning, Professor Ian Cameron will gasp in horror as your rotting, bloated body bobs to the surface while he’s reading his paper and soaking his feet in the cool but scummy pond water. By the way, the only reason Chinbeard takes the Sunday paper is to spy on you, Mary.

  38. Eric
    July 25th, 2006 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    “Some are saying her demise was not an accident?” Who the hell talks like that?

    Oh, right. People in bad comics.

  39. Jordon
    July 25th, 2006 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    Re today’s MT – the third panel drives home the point that Kelly-Welly has “nice lamps.”

  40. catastrophile
    July 25th, 2006 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    37 — come on, now, tefflan — it’ll take her longer than that to start rotting . . .

  41. Junior Tracy
    July 25th, 2006 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth doesn’t “put much credence into neighborhood gossip” ??? This is the most demonstrably false statement ever uttered in the history of the comics. The only less true thing a comic strip carrier could possibly utter would be if Jon, from “Garfield” said: “I’m not a complete tool.”

  42. DMcK
    July 25th, 2006 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    38: Agreed, Eric, but don’t you kinda groove on that weirdly stilted dialogue anyway? It’s like bad foreign B-movie dubbing.

  43. Jowdy Doody
    July 28th, 2006 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been waiting ever since I saw the spelling bee on TV to say this:

    Oh, that’s not a halo, it’s just heiligenschein.

  44. Prodigal
    August 21st, 2006 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one who picked up on the fact that Toby’s trying to do the Jedi Mind Trick on Mary in the next-to-last panel?

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