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Soon, the Comics Curmudgeon will be replaced by COMICS MOCKBOT 3000

Archie, 9/1/06

Ahh, the joke-writing computer rears its ugly head again. You can tell because Dad Archie uses the phrase “1-cent coin” in panel one, which has never been uttered by any carbon-based native speaker of American English ever. My guess is that both the first and third panels originally used the word “penny,” but some rule in the mechanical comic creator’s humor-generating algorithm required that key words in the joke not be repeated and instead be replaced by synonyms, so this clunker got pulled out of some second-rate thesaurus and plopped into place.

More proof of this strip’s robotic origins: Jughead appears to have pulled a fully-formed, ready-to-eat hamburger out of the refrigerator. A cybernetic artist would obviously be unfamiliar with the details of how biological life-forms acquire their fuel.

Mary Worth, 9/1/06

Man, look at their faces in panel two. Those two are about to have some angry, angry sex.

I have to confess something. I used to own a shirt that looked remarkably like the one Aldo is wearing. And this wasn’t some long-ago artifact of my non-fashionable youth; I wore it regularly until it developed a hole in it about a year ago. It was long-sleeved, and was just a V-neck rather than a polo shirt with a collar, but the color and the stripe are pretty much exact matches. It creeps me out a little.

Apartment 3-G, 9/1/06

The saddest thing about panel one is that Tommie thinks she’s flirting.

131 responses to “Soon, the Comics Curmudgeon will be replaced by COMICS MOCKBOT 3000”

  1. infallible
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    I love Aldo’s haughty expression in panel one!

  2. wocket
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or is Aldo going to have Mary’s housekey in his eye in a couple of seconds?

  3. Josh
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    Wait. Red and Ted? Ted and Red?

    Also, I’m pulling for a surprise intervention for Aldo—Mary has planned this whole encounter around getting him into her apartment where he can be confronted about his simmering alcoholism.

  4. Poteet
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    In Panel Two, Archie appears to have no butt whatsoever. I wanna know what workout he uses.

  5. Marion Delgado
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    By the way:

    To hell with you all! Tommie is the true Love Goddess of Apartment Three-G! Take that, Blondeandbrunettofascists.

    Damnit.

    There, there, Tommie.

    Those bullies don’t understand you. And Ted’s a nice guy but he’s just not that into you!

  6. Tracibub
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    Okay, not to be completely off subject, but I totally do not understand today’s free card on the Bitterness of Life site (see add above for reference if necessary).

    Am I lost, or is it just really not that funny?

  7. Steve S
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    I like how the Riverdale newspaper just has the name of the city as its title. Apparently the residents are stupid and need to be reminded every day where it is they live.

  8. SmartPeopleOnIce
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    Dang, Mary’s icy stare chased the stripe right off of Aldo’s Josh shirt.

  9. MCMikeNamara
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    #6 Tracibub > I think finding humor in the card depends on how amused you are by the idea of a hairy-shoulders having, leather-arm band wearing man-woman not only being a Streisand fan but actually wanting to be her.

    Personally, I think my explanation is a lot funnier than the card itself. But I amuse myself.

  10. Scooterboy
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    Aldo is so into Mary that he’s dyed his hair to match her front door. creeepy.

  11. Ellie
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    #2 — It’s not just you.

    I wonder if this is part of Toby’s plan. It’s not very good so far. Aldo’s either going to kill Mary and turn into a necrophiliac or she’s going to be up there in Mary’s apartment with a baseball bat and they’re going to kill Aldo.

  12. Poteet
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    #8 — Geez, you’re right. I wonder if her glare would also work on stubborn stains.

  13. Justin
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been wondering this for a quarter of a century: can someone please explain the gridiron on Archie’s head? Is it artistic shorthand for some kind of curly hair? Was he abused? Does he love waffles?

  14. SmartPeopleOnIce
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    If Toby is waiting inside Mary’s darkened apartment with a sack full of doorknobs, I will personally donate $1000 to Joe Giella and Karen Moy’s favorite charity.

  15. Scott Simmons
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if there’s anyone socially close enough to Aldo that they’ll report him missing before his mutilated corpse fully decomposes.

    I’m thinking “not”.

  16. Biblio
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Oooh! I’ve found a one-stop shopping experience for all your Aldo-inspired sartotrial needs!

  17. Foolster41
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    #6/BoL: …Wants to be barbara bush? I’ve got no idea

  18. Wha?
    September 1st, 2006 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    #6 worse than that one is the Mark Karr one which has JonBenet and it says, “Hold me Tiny Dancer” I’m sorry but that’s not funny, not bitter, just WRONG…..

    Oh sorry Josh

  19. Scipio
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    I don’t want to say, “she was asking for it!”, but if Mary lets Aldo into her apartment after the things he just said …

    Well, let’s just say Mary’s long-supressed rape fantasies are about to be fufillled by the undeniable Aldo Kelrast.

  20. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: I know what’s on the other side of the door! It’s a perverted take-off of ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’! Aldo comes in and is offered lemonade by Toby. He drinks deeply, not knowing that the lemonade is poisoned with arsenic. Soon overcome by the poison, he sags to the floor, begging Mary for his life with numb lips. With a grim smile she hikes up her skirt, revealing a pair of see-thru vinyl ‘granny bloomers’. She proceeds to squat on his face and panty-smother Aldo to death. His last vision is of Mary making the ‘I crush your head’ signs at him and saying “You are denied, Aldo”. After his death, Mary and Toby get rid of his body by cutting it up and selling it in meat-pies a la Sweeney Todd! Now, all Mary and Toby have to do to complete their happiness is to get rid of Toby’s blowhard husband, Ian.

  21. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Am I wrong, or is Ted’s belly (in panel 1) sprouting a pair of pointy breasts like Madonna had in the 80′s?

  22. ponzicar
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who noticed Aldo’s demonic looking eyes in the last panel? I think Aldo is really the lord of darkness in disguise, and he’s here to collect Mary’s soul, which she sold for her unholy platitude making abilities.

  23. philip
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    I have taken to reading all of Aldo Kelrast’s lines in the voice of Llewellyn Sinclair (the director — voiced by Jon Lovitz — in the A Streetcar Named Marge! episode of the Simpsons). Try it! It’s delightful!

  24. Monkey's Paw
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    I’m actually wearing the same shirt as Aldo while I write this. I am shamed.

  25. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    #6
    It’s not just you, the Bitterness of Life cards are about as funny as Gil Thorpe or Garfield

  26. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    I hate to admit it, but I just read ‘Cathy’. The author needs to be flogged and then fed to alligators.

  27. Marion Delgado
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    65? 65????? Need I keep reminding everyone?

    MARY WORTH, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, IS 128 YEARS YOUNG THIS YEAR!!!

    Aldo has no chance.

  28. Swany
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    #23 — Cracker, regarding the odd bulging of Ted’s shirt. It reminded me of when I used to hide the Playboy magazines I bought at the second-hand book store inside my shirt so I could sneak them past my mom. “What’s put you in such a good mood,” Tommie asks.

  29. java-jon
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    I love the magical moving door knob to Mary’s apartment. First it’s on the right, then it’s in the left. I bet once inside it disappears altogether.

  30. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix: The little blonde girl is saying “Check out my new Ann Coulter barbie. The head can spin all the way around” IMO, she should continue on to say “That way you can see her prominent adam’s apple, and observe that her shoulders are wider than her hips”. This refers to the rumor that Ann is a tranny.

  31. 12802 crackers
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    #31
    Nice call on the magic doorknob

  32. treedweller
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    Wait, what’s going on in A3G? I only read it when Josh comments, but don’t these two people know each other? She refers to him by name, suggesting they do. So how is he accosting strangers on the street? Did panel one get cut off, where he rolls a bum or something?

  33. Fred P.
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    #6- “I’m actually wearing the same shirt as Aldo while I write this. I am shamed.”

    Ah, that’s nothing. I’m typing this wearing nothing but Mary’s support hose, a chartreuse boa, and a coy smile.

    And also one of those “beer helmets” you sometimes see on losers at minor-league hockey games. But that does kind of make me feel ashamed.

  34. Von Zeppelin
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    #31/33–Even more unusual than the magic doorknob are the apparently disembodied hands. Panel 1: Mary with normal hands. Aldo with hands behind back, preparing for the amazing act of prestidigitation in Panel 2. Panel 2. Mary–right hand holding key. A left hand, apparently arising from Mary’s knee level, holding purse. A larger hand, apparently connected to nothing, pointing a finger upward. “We’re number one!”? “Second violin section, come in. . .NOW!”? “I voted in the Iraqi election, but my purple came off.”? Aldo has no hands. Remember the unfortunate accident with the glass doors a week or so ago.

  35. Pansy
    September 1st, 2006 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    Philip (#25): I like to say Aldo’s lines in the Simpson’s comic book store guy’s voice, myself. Perhaps we shall soon be witness to “the very rare edition of Mary Worth in which she advises her friend to commit suicide.” Oh, would that it were true!

  36. Tommie’s Dream ”Date”
    September 1st, 2006 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    So what would you call the color of Aldo’s Josh-shirt? Weary plum? Sad cranberry? The entire cityscape of Apartment 3G seems to be sprayed with watercolor of the same hue.

    Biblio, great site for those Aldo styles!!

    Von Zeppelin, that is clearly Thing from the Addams Family coming out of Mary’s purse.

  37. bisbane
    September 1st, 2006 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    #35–that’s funny, I was just stalking uh WATCHING someone through my telescope that was wearing a boa and hose!

    Mmmmm…boa…

  38. Sheila
    September 1st, 2006 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Funny how Betty and Veronica’s styles change with fashion trends, but Jughead hasn’t updated that tomfool crown hat since 1938. What would the modern equivalent be? Do we HAVE anything that dorky nowadays? (Am I simply overlooking something dorkoid-and-familiar?)

  39. White Glue Girl
    September 1st, 2006 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    So am I going to be the only one to point out that “red hair” of a “titian hue” is blatantly redundant? It’s like one of those example sentences used to teach third graders vocabulary words. Don’t use the word if you/the readers won’t know what it means.

    *scoffs loudly*

    HONESTLY.

  40. NotThatGuy
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    Bilbio, your Aldo-shirt instincts are scarin’ me. Check out that TropiCool® Tone-on-Tone Shirt in maize, plum, natural, or sage!

  41. monkeyhawk
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Redunantly saying the same thing over and over again in a repetitive manner?

    You can say that again.

  42. Todd 2.0
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    #14: I’ve been wondering this for a quarter of a century: can someone please explain the gridiron on Archie’s head? Is it artistic shorthand for some kind of curly hair? Was he abused? Does he love waffles?

    I remember reading an Archie comic book at my cousin’s house a long time ago … I think Archie was in a rock band, or something else that would make the girls of Riverdale go nuts over him, and a girl pulled the gridiron off his head. Underneath it he just had ordinary hair. I know that doesn’t answer any of your questions, but it might be of minor interest to know the gridiron is detachable.

  43. johnw
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    Smooth pickup line #4,138 (from “Aldo’s Little Book of Love”): “I will NOT BE DENIED!”

    Try it out at the singles bar. The ladies love it.

  44. Mibbitmaker
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    COMICS MOCKBOT 3000… so *that’s* where Crow and Tom Servo went to work after MST3K was cancelled.

    “I will NOT be DENIED!” – The call of the male nutjob stalker. Aldo, of course.
    “I will NOT be IGNORED!” – The call of the female nutjob stalker. Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”

    Note the almost stereotypical gender differences in the calls. Cowboys and cowgirls, if you will (Eva).

    (Ummm… Mary doesn’t have a pet bunny, does she?)

  45. Elizabeth
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    Wait. Red and Ted? Ted and Red?

    RED NED TED and ED in BED

  46. Islamorada Girl
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    Aldo needs to do some one stop shopping.He’s been wearing that depressing pink sriped polo shirt for days now. It must really smell. No wonder Mary has that Lee J. Cobb look on her face. It must be all she can do to keep her tuna casserole and apple cake down when she’s in whiffing distance.

    A stinky stalker impresses no one! Good grooming Aldo!
    Get that gray gas station attendent shirt out of the laundry basket! Sunday’s coming up again!

  47. Groovy Chainsaw
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    #40 — Modern day equivalent of Jughead’s tomfool crown ( I never knew it was called that. I’d have just said “his idiot hat” ) = Sun visor worn upside down and backwards. To see this in action visit your local High School.

  48. Marc
    September 1st, 2006 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    31 – I thought the same, but if you look at the perspective, it’s from a different angle! Ha! (wow that was pathetic, fighthing over a doorknob in MW)..

  49. Summerhouse
    September 1st, 2006 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    Tommie is not doing herself any favors with that Leona Helmsley impression in panel 3. Yecch.

    Cheese and rice! What are they talking about in Mark Trail again today? “The bear was probably pawing Buck because she didn’t KNOW WHAT TO DO.” When Molly comes back piloting the rescue helicopter, by golly, they’ll all feel pretty dumb.

  50. B
    September 1st, 2006 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    The saddest thing about Tommie’s “ftlirting” is it’s actually working on Ted.

  51. Heckler123
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    #31, #33 – I think Aldo wants to show Mary his magic moving doorknob.

  52. Marc
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait for Monday’s Mary Worth, when the actually surprise is revealed! We all know they’ll be still stalling at the front door on Sunday.

    TDIET – How does one soak their eyeballs? Contacts, perhaps? I suggest ReNu solution, not a type of soda.

    FW – Umm….I don’t recall High school kids saying “hoochie mama” within the last 30 years…but apparently they do in Centerville, OH! But then again, you can’t publish “ho” or “sperm dumpster” in the newspaper, now can you?

  53. BewaretheCreeper
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    #28 You don’t know the worst of it. Cathy Guisewhite the creator of Cathy used to write her cartoons on paper and hang it on the fridge for her “mom”. “Mom” of course thought she had a budding Rembrandt and sent it to a Syndicate where some stupid bastard actually agreed with “Mom”. Talk about stupidity squared. The rest as they say is HISTORY!!!!

  54. Propaniac
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    I get so excited nowadays when I check my e-mail before going to bed and I notice that it’s after midnight so I can check out the new Mary Worth. Sigh.

    By the way, I don’t know if this article is old news since it first came out a few weeks ago, but I just came across it: “Worth Debating.” Apparently the Captain Kangaroo resemblance is entirely intentional.

  55. Andy
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    Aldo has some sort of magical shirt. In the first panel, it has a white stripe across the middle. In the second panel, the white stripe is gone. It must like a shirt equivalent of a mood ring: when he gets excited, the strip dissappears.

  56. moe99
    September 1st, 2006 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    I’m sorry but we are now going to be treated to a confession by Ted that he is, in fact, gay. That’s what happens to anyone who Tommie falls for.

  57. cranky
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    Holy crap, I just searched for an East Coast newspaper site because the Seattle paper didn’t have tomorrow’s Mary Worth up yet. I don’t like what I’ve become.

    This even though I KNEW it would be more stalling at the door. How many god-darn panels does it take to walk from the entry to Mary’s front door?

  58. Sister Sestina
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    But honestly, White Glue Girl of #41, there is a “titian hue.” Before my dictionary admits it’s usually used as a flowery term for a redhead, it gives a frighteningly and incomprehensibly specific definition for “titian”–
    “A brownish orange that is less strong, slightly yellower and lighter than spice, slightly yellower and lighter than prairie brown or Windsor tan, and slightly redder and darker than amber brown or gold pheasant.”
    How Ted can determine all that, I don’t know. Maybe that bulge in his shirt is where he’s hiding the spectroscope.

  59. Marion Delgado
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    58 it didnt happen with luann or margo or lisa

    oh you mean every GUY she falls for. true.

  60. Marion Delgado
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    56. I found Aldo’s background interesting. Apparently he was in special forces in world war ii killing sentries along with mr. rogers and mr. greenjeans.

  61. NJP
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Cranky, you think that’s sad? The last thing I do before going to bed is read the comics, and one of the first things I do when I wake up is come to this site and read the comments. Will the DEA crack down on Josh for making us all junkies?

  62. ben
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    There was a guy in the bar tonight wearing Aldo’s shirt and giving tax advice to his companion. Explaining why I was staring at him would have been awkward (well, you see, there’s a comic strip about this old bat whose stalker looks like Captain Kangaroo, and your shirt …)

  63. AppleGirl
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    Poor Aldo. “I will not be denied” is the worst line ever.

    The three magic words that work every time are: “Aw, come on.”

    At least they always work on me. I find it irresistible!

  64. AppleGirl
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s JP – “We have to shop for Paris!”

    Paris? Who’s Paris? Did they also RENAME Raju?

  65. rich
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:54 am [Reply]

    16: Great point, is there anyone “socially close enough to Aldo” to notice him missing? It’s funny to think of his other hours, does he have “friends” he talks to at the post office or ice cream parlor or garage where he works? Is he retired? Does he do anything besides stalk Mary Worth and work on the shrine he’s building in his apartment?

    20: I wouldn’t buy any of those Bitterness of Life postcards, but the Mark Karr one was the first that I’ve found to be even mildly inspired or humorous (in a sick way). I mean, the guy is obsessed with a dead 6-year-old, that is kind of funny…

    37: Yes, Pansy! I totally hear Comic Book Guy’s voice when I see Alpo. By the way, who is he imitating in Friday’s first panel? Is it Hitchcock, is it Jeeves? Is it Churchill?

    60: “Heh heh…he said tittie-in…”

  66. Dub Not Dubya
    September 2nd, 2006 at 3:21 am [Reply]

    32 Pansy:

    I like to say Aldo’s lines in the Simpson’s comic book store guy’s voice, myself. Perhaps we shall soon be witness to “the very rare edition of Mary Worth in which she advises her friend to commit suicide.” Oh, would that it were true!

    Here ya go:

    http://members.cox.net/blogpicsaddy/evilmary2.html

  67. movin' meat
    September 2nd, 2006 at 4:15 am [Reply]

    Hee hee.

    He said “Titian.”

    Snicker.

    Or does that not mean what I think it means?

  68. AeroSquid
    September 2nd, 2006 at 5:48 am [Reply]

    What Aldo is about to realize; is that Mary has hired two strip club bouncers to join in on the conversation and they are currently sitting on her couch drinking tea and watching Oprah.

  69. tefflan
    September 2nd, 2006 at 5:51 am [Reply]

    If you take the “Code Cracker” Bible code decoder, and put “Mary Worth” and “Aldo Kelrast” into the search engine, in Exodus at skip 135 you get, “the righteous woman,” “to his terrible doom,” “she is the slayer,” and “soiled panties.”

    In Revelation, at skip 23, we find the reference, “on horseback,” “his moustache,” and “bunny rabbit.”

    This leads us to the conclusion that by entering Mary Worth’s apartment, Aldo Kelrast is entering, in “Futurama” terms, the Charterstone equivalent of a suicide booth.

  70. tefflan
    September 2nd, 2006 at 6:26 am [Reply]

    My new Motorola Razr V3m has a function on it called “Apt 3G Population Calculator,” which gives an estimate of the entire world’s population at any given day based on the actual copulation habits of the characters in the famous comic strip “Apartment 3G.” According to this dandy little program, on September 2, 2006 the entire world’s population will be 38.

    I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this prediction, since I have set the program’s variable parameters of homosexuality, stupidity, game-playing, and frigidity at 100%.

  71. Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy
    September 2nd, 2006 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    #36 – You want to see some bad hands, check out the handshake in today’s Dick Tracy!

  72. Sheila
    September 2nd, 2006 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    This is torture. The pace of Mary Worth is like molasses dripping through a pinhole. C’mon, dammit, SHOW ME WHAT’S BEHIND THE DOOR!!! I will not be denied!!!

  73. Gnarl E.
    September 2nd, 2006 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    #14,
    That question was asked in the 1954 Mad parody of Archie (Starchie) where Jughead asks “Chee Starch, wher’d you get them criss-cross marks on your head.” The question has never been answered.

  74. R
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    14- I always assumed it was some kind of shave-effect, like a buzzcut? Whatever it is, it’s poorly drawn.

    40- The Beanie Hat. Especially one with a movie title or outdated band emblazoned upon the brim.

  75. Tukla in Iowa
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Technically, the US Mint has never struck a coin called the “penny”. “1-cent coin” is the proper name.

    More information about the penny can be found on the Internet.

  76. Fred P.
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    #66- Apple Girl-

    “Saturday’s JP – “We have to shop for Paris!”

    Paris? Who’s Paris? Did they also RENAME Raju? ”

    Paris (in this context) is the city Paris, the one in France. Neddy, as you may recall, is moving there for college, and in order to get all tarted up pour les garcons parisiens, they not only brought in a new artist to draw the strip, but she has to go shopping for some new duds as well. However, if you don’t happen recall that particular plot development, its entirely understandable. After all, while Neddy was moving to Paris tomorrow, this was about THREE FREAKIN MONTHS ago. (In context, this is about one-and-a-half Mark Trail storylines ago, if that tells you anything) In fact, back in April (the month, not yet another JP character) she was tearfully saying her goodbyes to her erstwhile beau Bob AT THE FREAKIN AIRPORT. Granted, what with security concerns, we all have to expect some delays at the airport nowadays, but this is like FIVE FORKING MONTHS.

    Seriously, 4/3/06, look it up.

  77. Sheila
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Why the hell is Pop Foob rolling over for all this “dynamite”? Why doesn’t he just put his foot down?

    I tell ya, if *I* had a kid who assumed I was running a free hotel eight years after I’d finished raising her, she’d be making tracks for the nearest hotel with a flea in her ear.

    “Foob” is Canadian for “sucker”.

  78. Doug Puthoff
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    54–I heard Frank say it on an episode of “Seinfeld,” and Kramer said it a few eps later. Besides that, I don’t think anyone else has said that phrase in my lifetime (b. 1962).

  79. Mibbitmaker
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MW: “We’re only going to talk”? Oh, no! It IS going to be endless platitudes!! RUN, Aldo, RUN!!!

    “Not exactly”? She’s sharing him with Gossipy the Wonder Neighbor? What’s Sunday’s strip rated, anyway, PG or NC17?

  80. Doug Puthoff
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    9-1 Pluggers: Cannibalism hits Pluggerville.

  81. Frank Drackman
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Aldo sorta looks like Oliver Hardy in that first panel..is Mary’s hair supposed to be white, or is it that blue tint that old women like for some reason?

  82. Mibbitmaker
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Today:

    FOOB: The Dark Thoughts of John Patterson (due out in paperback in 2007)(no, not really)

    Zits: Well, Aldo, you’re going to have to do better in the creepy dept. to top these guys here.

    FC: Jeffy, your *brain* has “cracks for stuff to fall through”!

    FW: So Dinkle’s now reduced to being the head of the Uptight Bluenose Mother Review Board? I withdraw my cheer from the last thread.

    SF: No, you’re not, Ted.

    RiR: “You guys are just rubbing it in, aren’t you?” – Ted Forth

    Nancy: Wha’ hoppin’ to Sluggo’s lazy bum poor welfare case right-wing stereotype? Not only is Brushmiller pissed, but the Gilchrists’ll be run out of the Country Music-Lovers Society for political reasons.

    Buckets: Anything to justify school fascism, eh, Stantis?

    Garfield: Garfield tries to be Bucky Katt, fails miserably, doesn’t grasp concept.

    Curtis: Yeah, using one psycho to confront another psycho is a bad plan. That’s not *Mary’s* plan, is it…?

  83. fillmoreeast
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: How many of these are about food/being fat lately? Apparently the qualifications for being a Plugger have changed radically of late. Now you just either have to be 85 years old, or a raging glutton.

    Spidey: Why isn’t Narna running like hell in panel one? HE’S NOT EVEN TOUCHING HER ANY MORE. And I also have no idea how the chains go from their configuration in panel two to being completely off in channel three. Does Peter Parker have a spider’s ability to make metal pass through his body?

    Zits: Calvin and Hobbes did this, like, 12 years ago. And it made sense, because kids Calvin’s age actually make gingerbread men. Jeremy and Pierce? Baking cookies even for ironic purposes? Nah.

    Mallard: “Tinsley” (tinz’lee) n. someone who feels he can lecture about anti-Semitism when he has a history of drawing stuff like this: http://jewishworldreview.com/strips/mallard/2000/MFT50104.jpg and these: http://jewishworldreview.com/strips/mallard/2000/mallard070505.asp

    Foob: For the love of God, Lynn! There’s nothing amazing about “dynamics” and “dynamite” being similar. They both come from the Greek dynamis, “power”, WHICH MAKES COMPLETE SENSE IN BOTH CASES. And to cap things off, John’s a medical practitioner, so he ought to know better, since Greek is used so much in medicine and science. Jeesh, the lengths this woman will go to for a lame pun.

  84. Mibbitmaker
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Eva’s ‘Cowboy’ Watch for Saturday, Sept. 2, 2006

    Non Sequitur: See? All men are like that. They all try to get away with something because every ‘cowboy’ wears a black hat. (Mibbit’s note: it IS fair to most corporate executives, however)

    (DT)GT: Yep, every gunslinger owns one; the “Manly Manual” is indeed real, thus its mention, AGAIN, in (Death by Duel to) Gil Thorp.

    Adam: Always keep wild west dudes away from the kitchen! That’s what stereotypical Asian houseboys (see “Bonanza”) are for.

    Lockhorns: On the surface, the portrayal here seems fair and in-character, thus not applicable to the ECW. However, if not for my cowboy analogy, I’d make a “Leroy Lockhorn at a party sporting a lampshade” analogy for men, instead.

    Blondie: Oh, FOOB! Dagwood has seen through our charade. Still, a hint of sexism exists. Score 1/2 a point, cow(lick)boy!

    -Eva the Foob.

  85. DarkLady
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    I showed MW to my never-on-the-internet mother, and guess what she said….

    “Hey, he looks like Captain Kangaroo..”

    *sob*

  86. GoBobbyGo
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Anyone else notice how the car roof magically appears and disappears in today’s Baldo?

  87. Marion Delgado
    September 2nd, 2006 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    I think papa foob is right – once they compare notes about him, it’s going to go from dynamic to dynamite in nothing flat.

  88. SmartPeopleOnIce
    September 2nd, 2006 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Um, Aldo? All of this manly “I will not be denied” bluster might play a little better if you weren’t holding Mary’s purse.

    Sheesh.

    You couldn’t force yourself onto a Tobelorone.

  89. Marion Delgado
    September 2nd, 2006 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Sheila: If he puts his foot down, Elizabeth (and now April) will mention his Roman hands and Russian fingers to Mom Foob. He has no desire to join Farley just yet.

    He’s a good dad, just weak. And everyone was relieved when he got into the train thing. When he has his trains, everything’s fine. Should never have packed the trains.

  90. Von Zeppelin
    September 2nd, 2006 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    You gotta love TDIET’s attachment to cartoon cliches of the 1940s. Not only is the doctor wearing a side-buttoning smock and a head mirror, but Mr. Lugbutt is sporting a wife-beater undershirt and polka-dotted boxers. Then, (presumably after motoring over in his Studebaker), he has a cold one, represented by a glass of urine-colored liquid with foam cascading over the top, and listens to apron-and-bowtie-clad Barfo the Beertender dispensing health care advice.

    85 fillmoreeast–thanks for the links to Tinsley’s hideous caricatures. I was disappointed that there were no asterisks in today’s offering. (Great screen name, by the way. I caught the Jefferson Airplane at you in ’67)

  91. treedweller
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Well, I guess all of you who questioned how Spidey could be bound by mere chains are kicking yourselves now. He’s outsmarted you all by pretending to be stuck until the car was stopped so he could kick some ass safely! Go, Spidey, Go! I can’t wait till October, when it actually happens!

    Meanwhile, all Shoe has taken off for two weeks has been shoes? Maybe that reaction from Roz Thursday was because she caught a whiff of his underwear (or maybe his shirt, since it’s entirely possible he doesn’t wear undies).

  92. Poteet
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    #85 — Good points re Mallard and Foob. That Tinsley TV exec could have featured in a German propaganda poster in 1938.

    # 91 — Thanks. Geez, how could I miss that when the panels are so small? And what kind of angry woman lets her stalker hold her purse? And what kind of independent apartment-dwelling woman can’t handle purse and keys at the same time?

    #93 — I regard TDIET as a window into the past, kind of like my battered cartoon collections from the thirties, forties and fifties. Only some of those cartoonists were wonderful. (Many weren’t, though — mediocre cartoons have always been with us.)

  93. Bill
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Aldo? I just found this site so I am not sure if anyone noticed but this “Aldo” sure a lot like Capt. Kangaroo to me.
    Bill

  94. Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Maybe there is nothing dramatic waiting for Aldo behind the door…maybe all that’s going to happen is she is going to talk to (at) him and once he’s actually spent some time really listening to her, he’s just going to say “Screw this” and walk out. Wouldn’t that be wonderful/awful?

  95. Islamorada Girl
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    I predict! I predict what waits behind Door Number One for Aldo is an intervention!

    (Hmm. Door Number One for Aldo. Sort of like Death Cab for Cutie, only less talented.)

  96. Von Zeppelin
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    MW–Suddenly, it has all become clear to me! The loitering in the hall, the fumbling for the keys, Toby’s mysterious scheme. . . Mary is actually letting Aldo into the CAMERON apartment. She will hold the door and let him through, then slam it behind him. He turns and scrabbles for the doorknob (which is migrating around the door), and finds it locked. He whirls in astonishment, and finds the Professor sitting in a wing chair, a snifter of inferior domestic brandy at his side. He is holding a dusty tome of several thousand pages. “Ah, Kelrast. I hear from Mary that you called her on the telephone as she was reading ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’. I thought I might share a few observations from my dissertation on the works of Hardy I wrote in 1952. None of this post-modernist nonsense, of course. Now, here on page one, I make the point (rather cleverly, I must say). . .” On he drones, and on. . . the oxygen is sucked from the room. Aldo’s muscles go slack, his pupils become pinpoints, the most obvious sign of his lust disappears like the retractable antenna on a Buick. After hours and hours of this, he is reduced to a jelly-like mass on the floor. And Professor Cameron is just warming up.

    Meanwhile, Mary and Toby are at the local Chippendale’s, laughing raucously after their third strawberry margarita.

  97. 12802 crackers
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy rocks out today! (2 Sept)
    Panel 1-Dick is shaking hands with the pudgy capitalist. Wait! Dick’s got two right hands! One’s holding the briefcase, the other (miraculously grafted onto his left arm) is pressing the flesh. The capitalist stooge is probably flipping out quietly.
    Panel 3-Dick’s gonna get some from Tess, he’s giving the sign that he’s going to go down on her. See his right hand on her ribs? He’s giving us the “three in the pink, one in the stink” hand sign. Yep, they’re gonna get freaky!

  98. 12802 crackers
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Von Zeppelin #99 An awesome concept of punishment for Aldo. Good images.

  99. Summerhouse
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth next week:

    Monday- Panel one – Door opens a little bit. Mary says something about, “there are things you need to understand.” Panel two- Aldo says, “No one understands you like I do, Mary.”

    Tuesday- Panel one- Mary steps in. “Come in, Aldo.” Panel two- wordless close-up of Aldo’s face with shock lines coming from his head.

    Wednesday- Panel one – Mary says, “It’s time for truth, Aldo.” Panel two – close-up on angry Aldo, “What are you playing at, Mary?”

    Thursday – Panel one – Aldo says, “This is not what I had in mind! I could just kill you!” Panel two- wordless close-up of Mary’s face with shock lines coming from her head.

    Friday – Panel one – Aldo says, “I’m leaving!” Panel two- Mary says, “If you go, you’ll regret it!”

    Saturday – Panel one- Aldo says, “You don’t know anything about regret!” Panel two – Mary says, “Tell me, Aldo; tell me about your regret.”

    Another week goes by and we stil don’t know what Mary and Toby have planned. Of course I could be being wildly optomistic. Aldo and Mary might still be in the hall next week.

  100. Dan B
    September 2nd, 2006 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    #3: I think you mean ‘Ted and Rex’. I see where this revelation is going. Ted’s out.

  101. Meggie
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    102: So true, so very, very, true.

    ^_^

  102. GotFuzzy
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    Sad to say, Cap’n Stalkeroo is not holding Mary’s purse. It just looks that way because of the horrible, horrible artwork. But should we be surprised that the illustrator who treats us to the disappearing shirt stripe and the roaming doorknob skipped right over the “Perspective” page in the “You Can Be An Artist” workbook that he ordered from a copy of “Grit” magazine? (Man, I have just summoned Finger-Quotin’ Margo with that sentence, haven’t I?) Also, I stand by my prediction in the previous thread that we’ll be treated to a week of door-unlocking action.

    TDIET’s anachronisms are obvious irritants, but what about the limited range of names? There’s Barfo, Arfo, Lulula, Looloola, Dragbutt, Leadbutt, Lugbutt, Lardbutt (hmmmmm, I’m guessing Al’s an assman), Junior and Catastra. Oh sure, Scaduto will throw in a Grogley or Nerdly every now and then, but he loves to stick by his old favorites.

    The last of my random thoughts today deals with (DT)GT. I asked this before and I’m asking again—when were Rap-Dog and Mandy boyfriend and girlfriend? I swore that she turned him down because her mom was such a freak about her excelling in her extracurricular activities so that she’d get into a good college. Wasn’t that what the whole “lips and fingers” talk on her front porch was all about? (Wow, those last two sentences are filled with unintentional porn.)

  103. jamison
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    ever been at work, and not been able to get mary worth? ack!

  104. Milwaukee
    September 2nd, 2006 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    #106
    You HAVE BEEN DENIED! AAUGH! I can’t get today’s MW for some reason, and it is making me want to hurl a special apple cake at a wall!

    #96
    Perhaps, like the Cockpit for the crabby appletons, there ought to be a Sandbox or something for MW newbies with all the relevant history and opinion about Stalko gathered in an informative packet

  105. Laura Brown
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    #106 & 107 — We can’t get today’s Mary Worth either, or any other King Features Syndicate strips. Sometimes this is caused by a firewall (see here for more information), but we made the recommended changes to our settings ages ago.

    I’m guessing the problem is at KFS’s end, since so many people seem to be affected, and since their own site and rbma.com (where their images come from) both seem to be inaccessible at the moment.

    If anyone knows any different, feel free to correct me.

  106. Colleen
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Anyone else having trouble with the Chronicle website today? Only about half of the comics are showing up for me

  107. treedweller
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    GotFuzzy: Don’t forget little Hekkie.

  108. Von Zeppelin
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    For reasons incomprehensible to me, the Chronicle site today has intermittently been allowing access to black and white strips but not color ones. I can’t offer an explanation, but then I think of a computer as a typewriter with TV set on top of it. Someone wise in the ways of bandwidth may offer a more useful thought. Perhaps more information can be found on the internet.

  109. Marc
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    hagar – double insertion joke?

    MW – Ohh Sunday’s is probably the best Sunday strip in a loooong time. That’s all I’m going to say : )

  110. Laura Brown
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    #109 & 111 — see my comment at #108. As far as I know, all the colour strips on the Chron site are from King Features, which might explain the problem.

  111. jamison
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    ah! thank you guys! i’m not the only one! i thought aldo put up an interference screen, or something. naw, that’s like something out of an old kid’s show…..

  112. Von Zeppelin
    September 2nd, 2006 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    113 Laura Brown–Further evidence that your thesis about King Features is correct–the same strips also will not come up from the Washington Post comics page.

  113. Chris
    September 2nd, 2006 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Marc 112, you are SOOOO right!

  114. Ginger
    September 2nd, 2006 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    I like the Freudian symbolism/foreshadowing in Mary Worth, as the erect key zeros in on the (willing? passive?) keyhole. I just think it’s odd that Mary’s the one holding the key. What’s that supposed to mean?

  115. MJ1066
    September 2nd, 2006 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Zits (Saturday): Wouldn’t this strip have been more appropriate for Christmas time? That’s when people usually make gingerbread men.

  116. Da Scrodfather
    September 2nd, 2006 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    #103: Dan, I assume you’re referring to Sally Forth’s Ted? I keep wondering if the artist is intentionally trying to feminize him, or is simply that incompetent.

  117. Laura
    September 2nd, 2006 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Okay. Sally Forth made me laugh today. That is probably the first time an actual comic strip has made me laugh genuine chortles in….

    ever?

  118. Occam
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    #106, #107, #108 et al:

    Earlier today at the Houston Chronicle site, I got a blank box where certain comics on my page should be, with a small box with a red X in it within the comic-sized empty box. When I right-clicked on the larger box and then clicked on “Show Me the Picture,” the comic appeared.

    Other times I’ve gotten a “Comic not available” message where a comic should be–quite a different thing–no comic appears no matter what I do.

    By the by, does anyone know why the “right clicking/show me” works? Because sometimes I’ll get that same set-up on Josh’s site–the empty box. And sometimes clicking on the box works and other times it doesn’t.

    Strange the ways of the Internet.

  119. 12802 crackers
    September 2nd, 2006 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    #119
    I think he’s referring toTed in A3G, who is preparing some kind of amazing revelation in the 9/2 strip

  120. monkeyhawk
    September 2nd, 2006 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    More information on the internet can be found…

  121. rich
    September 2nd, 2006 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    109, 111: I came up empty the first time I clicked on a couple of those b&w comics on Houston Chronicle too, then I clicked again, a few seconds later, and they came up. Maybe it was different when you logged on, but I’ve had that experience before and have learned to always go back and try a second time.

  122. Johnny Q
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    Aldo Kelrast’s Terrible Secret isn’t that he murdered his wife. It’s that he used to be Jimmy Osmond!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7OJY9eHiTY

  123. 2fs
    September 2nd, 2006 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    #40: “Do we HAVE anything that dorky nowadays?” The pants-halfway-down-the-ass thing is infinitely dorkier. Someone ought to see if they can’t sell high-school kids clown shoes – once that takes off, enormous red rubber noses can’t be far behind. (Why yes, I am old: why do you ask?)

    #65 Apple Girl: Aw, come on…

  124. ohgrl
    September 3rd, 2006 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    Wow, Aldo dyes his hair & ‘stache to match his eyes–but not the eyebrows? I’ll be up all night pondering this one.

    Now I’m wondering if the carpet matches the drapes…{shudder}

  125. angry black woman
    September 3rd, 2006 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    omgwtfbbq… Mary has Aldo’s dead wife hanging on her wall! Nothing else could make all those surprise lines burst from his face. Mary looks too diabolical laying her finger on one cheek like that.

    Damn, this comic is cold-blooded. (I can hear Martha Stewart now… ‘Nothing else says: Your persistent behavior bothers me! better than digging up a dead woman and using her as the centerpiece for your art deco collection’)

    Also, I think we’re about to get several visits from Finger Quotin’ Margo on this strip. Perhaps she can bring Innapropriate Innuendo Tommie with her, cuz this is not cool.

    Speaking of 3-G, didn’t Ted JUST have a fight with his wife? I know 3-G time moves differently than ours, but Ted was all “I love her so much!” a few “days” ago (uh oh, Margo’s lookin’ at me) and now he’s got his own swinging bachelor pad. Stone cold.

  126. AppleGirl
    September 3rd, 2006 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    78 – Thank you, Fred P. I had totally forgotten about the school in Paris. Too much Aldomania has fried a few of my brain cells this summer. Oh yeah!

  127. Desert Jeff
    September 3rd, 2006 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    I Googled ‘mary worth seattle’ (since the Seattle PI is one of the few online papers that carries the latest Mary Worth) and got an address and phone number for Mary Worth in Seattle!

    Saw Sunday’s strip. Looks like the bitch set him up.

  128. AppleGirl
    September 3rd, 2006 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    126 – My place or yours?

  129. Sjofn
    September 3rd, 2006 at 4:08 am [Reply]

    omgwtfbbq… Mary has Aldo’s dead wife hanging on her wall! Nothing else could make all those surprise lines burst from his face. Mary looks too diabolical laying her finger on one cheek like that.

    Ha, I had a similar thought, only I thought Mary had his wife stuffed, complete with angry, rearing up bear pose.

  130. tefflan
    September 3rd, 2006 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    #130 Thanks, Desert Jeff. I’d sit on pins and needles every weekend wondering what Mary was up to since the Chattanooga Times Free Press doesn’t carry the strip on Sunday.

    #132 sjofn: I think that’s the answer. The dead wife’s rotting corpse is in the living room. What you didn’t mention were the two dozen police and FBI agents who are also present. Damn, Mary, when you run an intervention, you go all the way, girl!

  131. Chimakwa
    September 5th, 2006 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    The internets have permanently caused brain corruption. I had to reread twice before I realized the Cap’n was not actually referring to “my fursuit.”

    If MW starts featuring furry storylines, I’m going to remove my corneas.

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