The Comics Curmudgeon

175 responses to “Metapost: Two (and a half) totally awesome things”

1. Bill Peschel
   December 19th, 2006 at 12:41 am [Reply]

   Beautiful, just beautiful.

   I await the publication of “The Collected Uncle Lumpy” now approaching Volume 3.

2. Bunk Moreland
   December 19th, 2006 at 12:48 am [Reply]

   Amazingness.

3. Poteet
   December 19th, 2006 at 12:55 am [Reply]

   Uncle Lumpy has outdone himself, and he’s a very hard person to outdo. All hail and deep genuflections to Uncle Lumpy! I shall dream tonight of the magnificent dwelling of Pope Josh and the splendid appurtenances thereof. Santa is quite right to praise our Pontiff mightily.

4. Red Greenback
   December 19th, 2006 at 1:01 am [Reply]

   More breathtaking everytime I read it, Uncle Lumpy. Josh, is there a denomination between Cardinal and Pope? Vice-Pope? The man has earned it. HUZZAHS !!!

5. MonkeyHawk
   December 19th, 2006 at 1:19 am [Reply]

   Golly, I like you people.

6. yggdrasil
   December 19th, 2006 at 1:23 am [Reply]

   I love it, Popoid Subpontiff Uncle Lumpy!

7. Mr. O’Malley
   December 19th, 2006 at 2:03 am [Reply]

   Oh boy, I am in Uncle Lumpy’s epic poem! I hope no special clothing is required.

8. Poteet
   December 19th, 2006 at 2:12 am [Reply]

   #6 — yggdrasil, I just checked the Wikipedia article on Church hierarchy, and there seems to be, lamentably, no actual Deputy Pontiff position, but Subpontiff Uncle Lumpy sure works for me. (And my present in Uncle Lumpy’s epic totally rocks, yea!)

9. Poteet
   December 19th, 2006 at 2:18 am [Reply]

   12/19

   MT — Oh boy oh boy, Lucky is getting lucky! The situation lends itself to snarking, but I’m so glad he’s finally catching a break that I can only say “awwwwwww…” And before Rusty can inflict another major-loser name, I think we should name the female beaver ourselves. Theodore was an excellent name — surely we can come up with another good one.

10. MonkeyHawk
    December 19th, 2006 at 2:19 am [Reply]

    #7 — Mr. O’Malley:

    Lumpy mentioned me, too. And near as I can tell, we have to wear fishnet stockings and touch our pearls.

    I’m not sure exactly what it means, but Dingo has volunteered to touch our “pearls” for us. And let us ride on a rental float through Ottawa, Illinois.

    Confused? Compared to me, Molly’s got her shit together.

11. Mr. O’Malley
    December 19th, 2006 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    Oh well, back to the comics.

    GA: That gurney just did a 180 degree turn on its own. Or else it is guided by an unseen hand. Could the Old Comics Home have a ghost?

    I guess there would be several–my old friend Gus, and Caspar. And was it Non Sequitur where the little girl’s grandfather’s ghost turned up a while back?

    I can’t think of any others at the moment.

12. Mr. O’Malley
    December 19th, 2006 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    Oh, so that’s where my casserole is coming from.

13. wifeybear
    December 19th, 2006 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    Can I just say that “Finger Quotin’ Margo Generator” is possibly one of the most wonderful things I’ve seen this Christmas?

    The poem is fantastic too.

14. Keith
    December 19th, 2006 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    I need to free up some hard drive space to save all my Quoting Margo images now. It is a truly amazing device!

15. Mibbitmaker
    December 19th, 2006 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    Like Dr. Seuss, Mozart, or Mattisse
    Many an artist earn the name “masterpiece”.

    Like the Beatles’ grand opus, “A Day in the Life”,
    Or when Newhart wakes up next to his first TV wife,

    Or like tonight’s “Letterman” guest music scene
    (If you saw that “Late Show” then you know what I mean)

    Like Krazy Kat, Calvin, Pogo, Charlie Brown;
    One just can’t keep those works of art down!

    Unlike Wile E., but like Chuck Jones to us
    There’s one work that’s especially super genius.

    Now, I’m not bein’ sarcastic, that’s too easy to do.
    We all know these words to be actually true.

    Parodic rhymes would make Frank Jacobs grumpy
    With jealousy of our own Uncle Lumpy

    Based on his “Night Before Xmas”, the said masterpiece.
    Hell, this one don’t compare, so right now it will cease.

16. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2006 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    #15 Mibbitmaker -

    Awwww, thanks. I really wish your screen name had a dactyl in it somewhere. But without a shoehorn and a jackhammer, I just couldn’t make it work.

17. Mibbitmaker
    December 19th, 2006 at 3:26 am [Reply]

    12/19:

    FOOB: My 1st thought: Oh, no, Lynn’s trying to out-do FW in blatant tragedy! Then, I realized: Wait a minute… that horrible, awful story, destroyed. WOO-HOO!! A boon to literature and mankind! But… having been figured on here that the Kelpfroths’ cigars are the likely culprit….. Well, really; can any chance for Patterson angry yet smug indignation really be a good thing?

    S-M: Flattop Hitler is also Flattop Oliver Stone!

    A3G: Uh-oh, there goes cheery-face Margo! “Oh, Mr. Mills always tells me to say he ‘never tells me that’ when he’s cheating on you, Ms. Magee”. Say hello to Scrooge Magee!

    Curtis: “Michelle’s crib”?? Gee, she’s more babyish than I thought!

18. Mibbitmaker
    December 19th, 2006 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    #16: I think that’s because I’m as computer literate as the FC kids are… literate. And understand as much about that stuff as Molly understands hostility.

19. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    December 19th, 2006 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    Exteremely well done (and strange)….

    as for the “plate panel” of the FAMILY CIRCUS, unless you’re blind, all the panels look like the outlines have been traced from the outline of a plate (the inner running joke of a “daily one ring circus”).

    Now if the cracker spawn were all robots and trying to discover water, it would be SHORT CIRCUS….
    …uh, never mind…

20. JamesK
    December 19th, 2006 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    FOOB: And so brave selfless Michael shall save his downstairs neighbors after their evil devil cigarettes manage to set everything on fire. Because they’re evil, dontcha know. This will either lead to a reconciliation where they realize the inherit goodness and divinity within all Petersons, or they’ll be threatening lawsuits even as Michael carries them to safety through the flames like that cheerleader from Heroes.

    Either way, wake me up when the Mountie gets into a car wreak/shows up with lipstick on the collar.

    (Side note: Yay! Something I mentioned showed up in a metapost! Not -because- I mentioned it, but still. Yay!)

21. Mr. O’Malley
    December 19th, 2006 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    17. Doesn’t Doris look awfully cheerful when she tells Margo that Eric has vanished for an unknown length of time? I hope Margo doesn’t know where she lives.

22. JamesK
    December 19th, 2006 at 5:09 am [Reply]

    As a PS, my husband wants to extend his deepest appreciation to Jeff Herbert for using the -entire song- for his Dancing Dent, though I suspect it might’ve broken him for the foreseeable future.

23. Mr. O’Malley
    December 19th, 2006 at 5:14 am [Reply]

    19. And all this time I thought it was an “iris shot” used as a homage to the silent film era. Although the mawkish sentimentality of FC outdoes anything produced in the 1920s, except perhaps for George Jessel singing “My Mother’s Eyes”. And maybe Jolson. But those were talkies.

24. benro
    December 19th, 2006 at 5:44 am [Reply]

    BRAVO!!! That was certainly a grand opus.

25. Pinback65
    December 19th, 2006 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy–Words fail. For the first time this year, I’m in the Christmas spirit.

    Mibbitmaker–A Frank Jacobs shout-out? Awesome!

    And somewhat off-topic, but Rest In Peace, Joe Barbera.

26. Mr. O’Malley
    December 19th, 2006 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    A poet, by name Uncle Lumpy,
    Found beaver tales made him feel grumpy.
    He eschewed Aldo’s booze
    And chose red kangaroos
    Because he prefers to feel jumpy!

27. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2006 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    I’ve been found out!

    Congratulations on your mad Internet research skilz, and enjoy the casserole!

28. yellojkt
    December 19th, 2006 at 6:44 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy,

    Thanks for the present. It made my day. Which says more than it should.

29. Sheilagh
    December 19th, 2006 at 6:46 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, I wish you were my REAL uncle!

    Meanwhile, Josh, thanks for the Shaenon K. Garrity essay. She’s deconstructed Granthony hatred quite nicely! He reminds me a a big dork who had a crush on me in high school, while I (then a shy wallflower) asked myself despairingly if THAT was the best I was ever gonna do???? Thank god it wasn’t! But the whole idea of being shoved back together with such a one, by an inexorable cartoonist — SHUDDER. Run, Liz, run!

30. smacky
    December 19th, 2006 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    Lumpy, that was amazing! Kudos!

    Dick Tracy: Dr. Froid found yet another use for his mind control device: strangling Dick until his eyes bulge out to normal size. The man is nothing if not resourceful!

31. smacky
    December 19th, 2006 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    FOOB: So there’s a fire and Michael will have to choose between saving his children and his “manuscript.” HA ha!

32. Colorado
    December 19th, 2006 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, I bow to thee in awe and amazement!! You ROCK!

33. Islamorada Girl
    December 19th, 2006 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Gee, Uncle Lumpy! Blush! A wave of the electric blue sword and a flash of the electric blue bustier to celebrate your genius!

34. Justafoob
    December 19th, 2006 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Where there is smoke. . .

35. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2006 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Whyizzit TDIET includes one of those antique traffic signals that sit on top of a post on the street corner. Wup! Oh yeaaahh.

36. jules
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    First things first: Uncle Lumpy! You are a brilliant genius. Thanks for the Christmas cheer!

    FW: I’m trying so hard not to care…but has Becky gone into labor in Chicago? Or are they back in Funkytown?

    MT: O Lord. Lucky’s about to get lucky. Shoulda seen that coming. Subtle, Elrod…subtle.

37. dimestore lipstick
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    This website is my “Disney World”–my happiest place on earth.

    Uncle Lumpy, that brightened my entire Christmas season. Thank you.

38. Dennis Jimenez
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MT – OK – Lucky – Beaver – Excited – the mellow tones of Toni Tenile’s Muscrat Love in the background. Better keep the waste basket handy cuz I’m gonna hurl.

39. jules
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Also: if Wally dies, will Becky name the baby after him? What if it’s a girl? Walleta? Wallenda? (I am only assuming Wally will die because no one is allowed to be happy for long in the Funkiverse. Becky’s pregnant, Wally’s in a war zone – his number must be up.) (Or something might be seriously wrong with the baby, I suppose, but…even in a comic strip that I malign on a regular basis, that makes my heart hurt. That wouldn’t happen, would it? At Christmas?)

    I’m trying so hard not to care…ahem.

    And Jeff – I forgot to thank you for Dancing Dent! That was hysterical.

40. Smitty Smedlap
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Wow. Dare I say it — “Comment of the Year”?

41. Dennis Jimenez
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Hey Ella, talk about sadly transparent:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/comics/king.htm?name=Mary_Worth&date=20061208

42. techinin
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I bow before your greatness, oh Subpontiff Uncle Lumpy, Poet Laureate of CC and offer you a STANDING OVATION!

43. Axel Fusco
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    I predicted a cigar as part of my fantasy FOOB Christmas Eve (in it, Baby Robin was choking on the cigar butt), and now the noxious fumes waft toward the Pattersons blissful home….

    Today’s Pearls Before Swine was one of the most brilliant pieces of cartooning ever! Leave it to the Guard Duck to make this fabulous point!

44. Axel Fusco
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    I predicted a cigar as part of my fantasy FOOB Christmas Eve (in it, Baby Robin was choking on the cigar butt), and now the noxious fumes waft toward the Pattersons blissful home….

    Today’s Pearls Before Swine was one of the most brilliant pieces of cartooning ever! Leave it to the Guard Duck to make this fabulous point!

45. Old Fogeyette
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, thank you, thank you, thank you! And ditto to what Josh said about scanning. That is SO rare.

    I haven’t had time to read this blog or even any comix for a couple of days, but I’m so glad I checked it this morning.

    And I nominate this opus for Comment of the Millennium, young though the millennium may be….

46. roydrink
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Fire at the Kelpfroth’s? Please, please, please Lynn Johnson, don’t go Funky Winterbean on us!

47. dimestore lipstick
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    I’m probably taking way too much pleasure in the fact that Satchel Pooch is smarter than Spiderman. And Stan Lee, and Marvel Comics,
    and King Features Syndicate.

48. Dennis Jimenez
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Luann – Santa to Pud – You can bring Jean along, but I doubt if you can make her come. Ho, Ho, Ho.

    Followed by a rim shot – and some kind of drum thingie, too.

49. Randy
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley–Walt strapped to a runaway gurney is pretty cool, but how did it turn the corner on the staircase so smoothly?

50. Kate
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy even got the trademark signs. And they scan too!

51. rich
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s FOOB: If the smoky trail leads Mike to his living room, where he finds Weed waiting with a giant doobie to celebrate the completion of his novel, all will be forgiven. (What am I saying? How about the last month and a half will be forgiven.)

52. reader-who-posts
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Anyone see that The Onion tackled Mallard Fillmore yesterday? http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56689

53. King Folderol
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    All awesome things posted by the supergeniuses here at Comics Curmudgeon.

    Shaenon K. Garrity’s essay is great. Since I’ve never liked FBOFW, like she used to, I never would have come up with some of the conclusions she did, let alone phrased them so eloquently. But it does explain a lot. If Liz were my daughter, I’d be keeping her away from Granthony with a 40′ pole. And the part about how Elly thought Liz was having her fun but at some point should just come home was dead-on as well.

    Props to all.

54. Von Zeppelin
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy–No wonder your the favorite uncle of all Curmudgeonstanis. As Tibullus, a comic fan from ancient Rome would put it, “Nescio quid maius quam Iliade nascitur!” “Something greater than the Iliad has been born!”

55. Lucy’s Spunk
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Poor Margo…gave it up to Eric like a five dollar crack ho and he tosses her aside like used Kleenex. On the upside we get her in full beeyotch mode in time for Christmas. Yay!

    Foob: Am I setting my hopes too high that Mikey’s apartment building burns to the ground? If it was any other strip it would be sad, but here it would be schadenfreudelicious. At the very least the manuscript going up in flames will make up a little bit for having Granthony shoved down our throats.

    MT: Theodore finds his true love and they waddle off into the sunset. *sniff* I’m a sucker for happy endings.

56. brendan
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    great poem.

    And may I add that the Adventures of Puddles (Luann) pisses me off so much I can’t see straight?

57. Booper
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Thank you, Uncle Lumpy, for your brilliant ode to what I think is THE BEST BLOG EVER!

58. Dennis Jimenez
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Luann – I’m amusing myself with the thought that Jean is Santa’s bitch.

59. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Lumpy, thanx for the shout-out. Merry War-On-Christmas to you, too!

60. LittleGuy
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    31: In the words of Jack Benny, “I’m thinking!”

    I got this image of a Stargate inside Mt FOOB with FOOB icons instead of cheverons, and with Michael finishing his, um, opus, the final icon/cheveron is locked in, and a FAGLOOB-WOOSH! opens up the Fire Plotline.

61. Calico
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    # 9 – why don’t we name the female beaver Margo?

    FOOB – I’ve expreienced a fire on Xmas – luckily no one was hurt – twas a candle that fell over at a friends’ home. I knew those stupid Kelpfroth cigars were going to be trouble.

62. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    #49 – Randy said
    “Gasoline Alley–Walt strapped to a runaway gurney is pretty cool, but how did it turn the corner on the staircase so smoothly?

    - I wondered that, myself. But being as the comic is now getting all meta, it follows the laws of the cartoon universe. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? mentions these when Roger can’t get out of his handcuffs when he needs to, but only when it would be funny. These are the same laws that make sure there is one little tree growing out the side of every cliff, and one palm tree growing on every island that is 6 feet in diameter.

63. commodorejohn
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    “It’s like the strip has become a FBOFW fanfic written by Anthony.”
    That article is the BEST thing on FOOB I’ve ever read. EVER.

64. bootsybooks
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy: Santo Subito

65. Allie Cat
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    #43 – Axel Fusco – I was such a killjoy yesterday – and you were RIGHT! Smoke, cigar butts and drama aplenty.

    Will you ever forgive me?

    FW – I am still holding out for John’s car not starting and Becky getting to go to the hospital in the Pizza Mobile. I am also still holding out for Wally to get snuffed.

    And Uncle Lumpy – that was sooo funny. I love me some spot on scansion.

66. jules
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    #55: “Schaedenfreudelicious” is my new favorite word :)

67. Heckler123
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Aah, Uncle Lumpy, your poem is indeed a masterpiece. I raise my glass of white carbonated Meijer brand grape-flavored water in your general direction. Huzzah!

68. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: Eric Mills? I thought Alan was the guy Margo was so stoked on. Ever since the Thanksgiving party Magee has been walking on cloud 9. I thought it had something to do with swiping one of Luann’s boyfriends from right under her nose and sneaking off for a quickie or two in the bathroom while Luann spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to open the reisling.

    A3G moves abruptly through time. It will spend a month in one setting on one day, blink your eyes, and an undefined period of days or weeks has gone by and we are now transported to some vaguely defined location with characters and their motives unknown until a few more days unfold. Time dialates and contracts arbitrarily. A3G is its own drug trip.

69. Dingo
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, the poem was phenomenal! Wonderful! Thank you for the shoutout, too.

    The article on Anthony was great, as well. Thanks for the link, Josh.

    So, I get off of work at Wal*Mart, come home, sit down to drown a burrito, and have the comics in front of me. I get to Foobville. Huzzah! Hooray!!! The Kelpfroths have finally had enough of Mike and Deanna and are now burning down the building!

    No, it should be more like thus:

    Whereas Lynn Johnston wants me to believe that her minions in countless countries will worry about Michael, Deanna, and their brood of creatures, the best Christmas present for which I could ask would be for an angry mob with early copies of Michael’s book to be standing with torches outside of his home, ready to burn the building and his family to cinders if it’s published.

70. willowbarcelona
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy – as a veteran appreciator of stanza night-dancing talent, let me say, I have never read such perfection. Any way the talented Jeff Herbert can give your bon mots sound? To hear your cadences, with an inflection that would cause Tony Snow to emit, “Gee, I don’t know! To hear the voice of you, the SubPontiff Supreme, deliver your CC ode in full voce would be Santa’s best cheer. So, a plea from a transplanted New Yorker to Barcelonan to Connectican: Please, Jeff and Uncle Lumpy, work out the details, and let us hear the delicious recitation of your masterpiece aloud. Oh, and thanks for Patterson pere! And the tribute to beloved Aldo and the murderous “Meddlin’ Cartel.”.

    A belated thank you to whomever in the past weeks coined Funky Welbutrin, so well-deservedly honored in Uncle Lumpy’s Santa romp. Please know, you talented genius, that since the day you wrote those words, I will never ever think of the Funk gang as anything other than a group upon which so much suffering is visited because they took the pharmaceutical softer and easier way rather than heading for an AA meeting. Welbutrin indeed.

    MW: This is a personal confession: These past days I have paid alarmingly obsessive attention to the hat band on Ella Byrd’s hat. For days I dearly hoped she was wearing her late husband’s 1960s madras-banded golf hat, which happily brought on an visual orgy of 1960s madras reminiscences. But then the plaid-like band turned to stripes, so to transition out of losing the madras touch, I got my hopes up that maybe she’d swiped her chapeau from a nephew who’d once rowed for Trinity College, Cambridge, or, at the very least, had graduated from Peabody’s Groton. But now her hat rests in her hands or, perhaps as of today’s December 19th panels, stomped upon on the floor by that appendage-swinging Mr. Dent, obscured and never to be enjoyed again. Sniff. Giella and Moy–if you won’t bring back Aldo, at least bring back the hat.

    Dingo–you take my breath away. Did your parents ask for extra humor chromosomes when they were blessed with your arrival? p.s. Any way I can get a ride on a float?

    And a belated, deserved congratulations to Apple Girl. May crystal and gold and diamond-tipped apples float Christmas Eve from Santa’s sleigh to your holiday table.

    I suggest the tip jar funds go to purchase a bejeweled litter upon which we will hold aloft Josh and Amber as we bagpipe them into the New Year.

    Once more, as we say in Catalan, Uncle Lumpy, MOLT BE! And for you guys out there dissatisfied with the effectiveness of the “I’m a docent” pick-up line, instead stun those beauties on the ski slopes with your international je ne sais quoi and say “mole-bay!” as you pass by. They’ll be having a brew and a burger with you within the hour. Trust me on this.

71. HBGlord
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Unk Lumpy: I’d tip my hat to you (but i haven’t got a hat). Ecumenical holiday greetings to you and yours!

    MT: Now aren’t you all ashamed of yourselves for making all those beaver double entendre comments? Seems you were all playing into Jackel Rod’s hands! He was taking the narrative into the Spice Channel section of the cable guide all along!

    Go git some, Theodore! Keepin’ it intraspecies (with apologies to Molly).

72. AhClem
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, I am in awe.

    Length or not, if that doesn’t make COTW, there is no God.

73. Allie Cat
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Funky Wellbutrin – hey – that was me!

    Holy cow – I just got a little street cred on Comics Curmudgeon!

    Thank you – that’s better than a Christmas bonus (not that I’m getting one, but…)!

74. HBGlord
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    #9: Here are some suggestions, mon Poteet:

    We could dip into the same source (and honor the CC Poet Laureate simultaneously) and call her Lumpy. (Yeah, yeah, Lumpy Rutherford was a boy, but June was the only regular female character on LITB, and her MT counterpart has done nothing to warrant the incestuous honor her name would bring.)

    Or how about — for you astronony fans — Pollux?

75. Poteet
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    First, I have to give props to Uncle Lumpy just once more because as has been pointed out by actual literary critics, the epic is the real test of the poetic gift, and Uncle Lumpy totally has it DOWN.

    And second, I have to say that if the Foob fire ends up with Michael in intensive care with everyone around his bed in tears on Christmas Day because he has heroically saved Dee, his kids, Lovey, the Kelpfroths, Weed, Carly, and anyone else trapped in that hellhole, I will offer $10,000,000 in Toontown dollars to any comic character (Dent, Celeste, are you interested?) who will sneak into the hospital and pull the plug on Michael with a giant yanking sound. I say that in ths spirit of “now that I’ve said it, surely it won’t happen.”

    What I do suspect is that this is Lynn’s fast ‘n fiery way of delivering Lovey from her hellish plight as a landlord who can’t bear to evict (or something, because even Canadian law must allow eviction of rule-breaking tenants at some point), showing that the Kelpfroths are even more evil than demonstrated earlier (yea, Lynn, we’re booing and hissing, right), creating a situation that will force, yea, FORCE Ellie and John to move to that cute little house with room for lotsa trains and leave their big house to Michael & Co, gathering everyone together for Christmas as dramatically as possible (awwww, hurl), and making us care about the fate of Michael’s Novel From Hell. Of course our only concern will be desperately hoping it ends up in a pile of fine gray ashes next to an unrecoverable hard-drive, but it’s true that some of us are paying attention now. You said it, Dingo. BURN, BABY, BURN!!!

76. Moesy
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    I feel very taken advantage of by Mary Worth. Tommy made a brief appearence months ago, and I’ve been reading it religiously ever since. Do you have any idea how long it took to wean myself off of Mary Worth once the original “Tommy the Meth Dealer” storyline was complete. I’m a freakin’ adict, and hoplelessly devoted to Tommy.

77. willowbarcelona
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Oh Allie Cat, my Welbutrin hero, thank you!!!! I cannot tell you how many CC posts I searched to refind where you originated your genius Funk-world moniker, how many ways of combining Welbutrin and Funky I typed into the CC search engine.

    Oh thank you thank you for identifying yourself, Allie Cat. Next to Bucky, you’re now my favorite cat.

78. Poteet
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Okay, so it seems that parts of that last comment were slightly, um, incoherent. Apologies. I say it’s all the fault of Lynn and (DT)GT, which I made the mistake of staring at yesterday. But mostly Lynn.

79. Poteet
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    # 74 — HP, thanks, and I’m easy. To prevent any gender confusion, what about Lumpia:-)?

80. Targemq8
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    I’m one of those “shy long-time lurkers”, and this poem has moved me to speak up. Brilliant! And thanks to Josh for making me see comics in a new, snarky light.
    Now where’s my damn toaster?

81. Axel Fusco
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    # 65 Allie Cat: Inspired by the example of the saintly Pattersons, all is forgiven! Let’s see if Robin gets his hand on that cigar butt…. As I always say, hope springs eternal.

82. anne
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    WOW. Uncle Lumpy, you are teh awesome. That was the most awesome thing I’ve read on the internets for some time. Thank you so much!!!!!

    I echo Josh’s comment on the scanning. Every single verse scans perfectly. How much time did you spend on it???

83. Old Fogeyette
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I finally read the comics today, and

    AWWWWWW…. Theodore has a girlfriend! I hope the story ends here and I can stop reading Mark Trail. What a lovely Christmas present.

84. Kate
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Okay, Dancing Dent? Is AWESOME. In the original Sistine Chapel meaning of the word. Best.Christmas.Present.Ever.

85. smacky
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT: A new plotline beginning with a woman yelling “Will you two come inside already? It’s cold out there!” is not the most dramatic situation I could imagine. Are these people naked? Is it Stormy and peg-leg Bill Ritter naked in the driveway? ‘Cause then you’d have a story!

86. Saxman
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Time for a Dick Tracy Christmas sanity check. If you invented a mind reading machine *or* a memory eraser machine, couldn’t you sell them for about five *billion* dollars? Even if you had an iron clad intellectual property contract with your boss diet couldn’t you sell the plans to Iran or even Matsushita for oodles more than 100 pounds of greenbacks?

87. curie’s daughter
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    That was absolutely fantastic!!! It was difficult explaining to folks at work why I was sitting at my desk with tears (of laughter) streaming down my face. Needless to say, I lied.

88. Mountain Mama
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    #70–willowbarcelona–You’re a hat man! Watch out, Margo will be after you next!

89. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Less than believable heroics by Michael are in store for us soon, I fear. Possibly, Michael will save one or both of the Kelpfroths.

    If it was worth keeping, I think I’d save a copy of my precious manuscript on a web server.

90. kingklash
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Boo LizAnthony!

    Hooray Lumpy!

91. jerseygull
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, that’s awesome! I bow to the master! Happy Holidays!

92. D.A. Pennington
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for not mentiong me Josh *sniff*.
    Here I went out in the rain *sniffle* and snow *sniff* and got your this Treo PDA phone and you couldn’t
    *sniff* even mention me.
    Thanks a heapin’ lot.

93. ctb
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    “Whenever I’m sick, I just stop being sick and start being awesome.”

    — Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

94. D.A. Pennington
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Today’s FOOB:
    You’re wife is calling you to bed (she’s all engorged and “melting”) do you:

    1) Go to bed *wink* *wink*

    2) Finish your crappy novel about some cannuck that fights WWII, begats a family of saints and then spends his final days in a shell of a stroked out body while his 2nd wife force feeds him strained carrots and wipes his ass.

    Tough call there. Right-o.

95. True Fable
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Somehow I just can’t see Michael and Deanna gettin’ it on. This is a guy who worshipped a rubber dolly, for God’s sake.

    Of course he’ll end up with a first-novel best seller, because in Lynn Johnson’s world, the Pattersons are the mostest.

    Come on, Paul. get down there and kick some white ass. Give it to Liz once and for all, some real red-hot Canadian mattress scorchin’ sexifyin’. Then you can be a Mountie.

96. MonkeyHawk
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    OFF-TOPIC (but worth it)

    I just discovered this:

    http://www.rifters.com/blindsight/vampires.htm

    And while it’s not really comics-related, I can’t imagine a group of people more likely to enjoy it.

    It takes a while to get through it, but I think you’ll like it.

97. Calico
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    #89 – Good point. I mean, really-the guy is supposed to be an editor and doesn’t know how to function well enough to think of a backup plan if the thing is so precious to him?
    Maybe Elly has a copy at her house – not sure.

    Maybe Ella does, too, backed up in her head under that little yellow hat. Mike’ll have to call California.

98. jules
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    #75 Poteet – I volunteer the guy who clocked Dick Tracy with 5 million bucks to pull the plug on Michael with a giant yanking sound…

    YANQ

99. SmartPeopleOnIce
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Truly astonishing, Uncle Lumpy. A mind without end.

    These are days…

100. Justafoob
     December 19th, 2006 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

     Hey, Mr. Kelpfroth isn’t supposed to smoke in the apartment.

     I think that Lovey should start eviction proceedings.

     oh, wait she did that A YEAR AGO.

     man the Canadian justice system is slow.

101. Tukla in Iowa
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

     #31: Oh, that’s easy. Mike loves “Sheilagh” way more than his wife and kids. The only question is if he grabs the paper copy or the laptop.

102. commodorejohn
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

     #89 – Ah, but that would be modern and lazy, not in line with the good old-fashioned hard-working values Mama Patterson instilled in her son, no?
     Michael can’t write with a computer, April can’t succeed in a band with electric instruments…it’s like Johnston’s a Mennonite or something. Except for the electric trains of course.

103. commodorejohn
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

     Er, wait, he wrote it on a computer, but he suddenly had a print copy in panel 3? I want a printer like that =/

104. Red Greenback
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

     TDIET- Aunt Hepatica is obviously hallucinating.

105. man behind the curtain
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

     FBOW — Michael will realize the opportunity of a lifetime. Save his best-selling manuscript while watching his family go up in flames. He can be rid of his anchor to FOOBdom and be freed to live the good life of a carefree best-selling suthor living it up with his big cash advance and all the fame and babes that come with it. Years later, after becoming the next Hunter Thompson, he may be a total burnout but he will grab his chance for short-term pleasure.

106. Poteet
     December 19th, 2006 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

     Foob — I suppose there are FBOFW sites where fans are even now hoping that everyone in the apartment building will be okay and that Michael’s precious manuscript will survive the fire. I’m so grateful to be here instead. DIE, SHEILAGH, DIE!

     (I don’t mean YOU, wonderful CC Sheilagh. I mean the dreadful martyr of a she-creature that crawled out of Michael’s diseased brain.)

107. Heckler123
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

     #96 – Love the dry humor in the vampire lecture.

     #102 – Speaking of Mennonites: we saw a group of Mennonite women at the grocery store once, and a friend’s young son asked if the women were wearing jock straps on their heads.

108. HBGlord
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

     #107: Now there’s a comic i’d add to my Chron list: Dennis the Mennonite Menacer.

109. AppleGirl
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

     Uncle Lumpy, I read your poem again this afternoon, and again, I have to say it’s really fantastic. You are Poet Laureate of CC forever.

     FBOFW – Now the house is burning down. Too bad Michael didn’t backup his manuscript to an off-site server. Heck, he could have gmailed it to himself, what does that take? Three seconds? Stupid foob. Now we are all supposed to feel sorry for him losing his life’s work, his masterpiece. I refuse! Instead I regard this episode as a reminder: Please, writers and artists: back up your work-in-progress at the end of every work day.

110. AppleGirl
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

     MT – I am crying tears of joy! I am so glad that Lucky the Beaver found a nice girlfriend!

111. hogenmogen
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

     Here’s my Christmas “For Better but Far Worse” wish list:
     Mike, Dee, the kids, the manuscript and the Kelpfarts all perish miserably in the fire. The flames are doused, and all that remains is a strangely untouched plastic figure of Ned Ryerson atop the ashes with an empty pack of matches by his feet. “Put ME in the shitter for two years, will ya?”

     Other, incidental tragedies that would make my evil day:
     Liz chooses Paul over Granthony and they become engaged. Granthony’s broken body is found at the bottom of a cliff (with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Gold). Paul then dumps Liz, as he has been cheating on her the whole time anyway. Liz takes a swan dive off the same cliff where the love of her life perished (but she’s too cheap to spring for the Johnnie Gold, so she goes with some Molson Golden). Her family life in shambles, April is turned on to the drug life by her friend Becky. Becky’s agent takes advantage of April while she is stoned. April, in shame, joins Liz and Granthony at the bottom of what used to be called “Aldo’s Gultch”, but is now known as “Patterson’s Plunge”. With all their children suddenly dead, Elly drinks, drives and … yeah. John has been playing with his trains the whole time and hasn’t really noticed that his entire family has committed suicide. That is, until he realizes that he hasn’t eaten in six days. But by then, he is too weak to make it up the stairs. He expires, is eaten by the dog, but then the dog vomits him up over the side of an all too familiar cliff.

     Oh, then the dog dies, too, and falls over the side.

     Years later, someone in the Toronto district approves the funding for a warning sign and a fence to signify that the road ends in a sudden, precipitous drop.

112. Allie Cat
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

     #106 – Oh, hell, I didn’t even think about the manuscript burning into ash – I was more excited about the prospect of the Pattersaints being homeless, but if he lost the manuscript, that would such icing on the cake!!

     And so close to the holidays – THANK YOU SANTA!!!

113. Kate
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

     You know what really pisses me off about today’s FOOB? Michael is dancing down the stairs saying “Oh, that I should inhale the sweet smell of success!” If you start a sentence with “Oh, that …” you mean “Oh, if only.” He’s making NO sense by saying “Oh, that I should.”

     Yeah, yeah, he could be eliding, as in “Oh, [how amazing] that I should.” He isn’t. Michael is simply demonstrating that Lynn does not have the faintest idea what writers do. I’m saying “writers” instead of “real people” because many folks believe that writers are not real or people.

114. SmartPeopleOnIce
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

     #110 (AG) MT – I am crying tears of joy! I am so glad that Lucky the Beaver found a nice girlfriend!

     Yes, but then, tragically, Elrod calls in an airstrike.

115. Harold
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

     Uncle Lumpy, your gift of poetry is wonderful and terrible at the same time! For there is no one outside of the people who frequent this site to whom I can show this poem without having them decide that I am completely insane!

     Me: “Look…see, my name! I got mentioned in Uncle Lumpy’s poem!”
     Them: “Who are all thse other names? Like Poteet and Dingo and hogenmogen?”
     Me: “They’re also commentors on The Comics Curmudgon.”
     Them: “And Aldo? And Molly, and Granthony? Are they commentors too?”
     Me: “Well, no, see, Aldo is…was…this guy from Mary Worth – that’s an old, old comic strip, but it doesn’t appear in our papers, I didn’t even know it was still around until I started coming here – who…do you remember Captain Kangaroo?…”
     Them: (slowly backing away)

116. hogenmogen
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

     MT – I predict that in his next adventure, Mark Trail will be tied up by some hoodlum in that criminal cauldron of Lost Forest, and the beaver Theodore will be sitting nearby with his wife and kids. Sensing something familiar about this human, and the feeling that he must repay a debt of honor, he somehow figures out that he should chew through the ropes that bind Mark’s omnipotent Fists O’ Justice. Then Theodore’s family takes out some trees, blocking the road that the villians are trying to escape on.

     If no such opportunity for payback exists, Theo might just gnaw Mark’s wrists to ribbons, then tell his family to block the road or reign destruction via crashing trees on all man-made structures in all the land, for Theodore has become KING OF ALL BEAVERS.

117. Axel Fusco
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

     # 111 hogenmogen: It’s like we share FOOB fantasies. However, in terms of real predictions of what Lynn’s gonna do, I think I’m one of only two people who still see it this way: Fly-boy-Warren in the incredibly obviously foreshadowed role of Deus ex machina flies in to rescue Lizardbreath from the fighting/not-fighting/both dying/one killing the other/whatever scenario of Paul vs. Anthony. Watch and believe.

118. Rufus
     December 19th, 2006 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

     Apparently there was an animated Family Circus Christmas special that aired in the late 1970s. It involves Jeffy asking Santa to bring Grandad down from heaven and is more or less exactly what you’d expect. I found the link at TVSquad.com and you can watch video here:

     http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0852/

119. Lucy’s Spunk
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

     #111 – Your scenario is great, except the dogs must be spared. Edgar and Dixie are the only Foobs I can still tolerate. In fact, another scenario I like would be them turning on the entire clan to make Christmas dinner a complete bloodbath.

     I’m usually not the type to wish a violent, painful death on people or comic strip characters; but it’s just something about the Pattersons that triggers my inner sociopath.

120. Axel Fusco
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

     # 116 / MT: King Teddy (as I call him because, as MossMoses has pointed out, all animal names in MT end in the -y or -ie sound) might prefer to keep Mark alive in cage for a few days as he tells his new bride and buddy beavers that it’s not good to keep humans in cages….

121. Uncle Lumpy
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

     #115 Harold -

     I feel your pain. Imagine what it would be like having to admit I write this stuff!

     Fortunately, Aunt Lumpy is very understanding.

122. hogenmogen
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

     Ok, the Foob scenario above that I let out is a bit of a stretch. I doubt (though I still hold the hope) that everyone will die. What would make my Christmas merry indeed is that the manuscript gets trashed, Mike, Dee & the kids are homeless, Liz gets dumped via email or text message or something equally cold and impersonal, Jim has become incontinent as well as mute and they all sit around having a lousy time together in the Patterson estate.

     … Which then catches fire and they are all struck by lightning. The end. Hoooray.

     That being said, all the posters who wish ill upon Wally in Funky are just mean. I know he’s not real and all, but I still just can’t get behind bashing a character who is a true patriot. Iraq isn’t his fault, he’s just there following orders, trying to be decent and all of that. He’s just a poor grunt caught up in the terrible mess that is Funky Stinkerbean, with little chance of ever leaving.

123. Saxman
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

     If Michael’s manuscript burns up, FOOB will finally have moved from the droll soap to the macabre. He’s a professional writer working part time at a home office. He must routinely email or download or even SharePoint files between home and the publisher. He must have at least heard of if not read Stephen King’s Misery.

     Nope, I disbelive any scenario that doesn’t involve multiple backups. Do I make my saving roll?

     I would however buy this scenario.

     Michael gets everyone out of the burning house, including all the pets. Then he rushes in to save his manuscript, only to be restrained by the fire brigade. His wife sees her chance and runs in, upstairs and as timbers fall around her grabs the manuscript from the computer hutch. She’s pined by a sheet of smoldering drywall and expires, but not before she sees that the novel conists of 600 pages of repeated “All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.”

124. Axel Fusco
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

     Lucy Spunk: If you can tolerate those ghastly hounds of pudtridness, maybe you can “stomach” them in my fantasy where the Pattersons are forced to eat those mutts. It’s a scene right out of The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.

125. AppleGirl
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

     111 – Hogenmogen, I am loving your FOOB scenario, too. But I’m with Lucy’s Spunk on this one: spare the dogs.

     In fact, have the strip continue, but with only the dogs… and Weed.

126. AppleGirl
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

     123 – …she sees that the novel conists of 600 pages of repeated “All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.”

     Saxman, that’s the greatest!

127. Axel Fusco
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

     AppleGirl. Weed, too must go, but weed can stay.

128. Allie Cat
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

     #122 Hogenmogen – I’m a noted ill-wisher to Wally – and let me say, I have a brother in-law in Iraq, who will be home a month from today – and will likely re-deploy in another 10 months. I’m not pro-war, but I support our troops (real and comic strip) in any way I can.

     My beef with Wally has nothing to do with Iraq – my problem is that the night he and Becky graduated high school, he drove drunk and as a result she lost her arm, and her scholarship to Julliard. And instead of sticking around to face this, he bailed. And when he got back five years later, Becky forgave him immediately.

     I guess really, then, my beef is with Becky.

     I do not want anything to happen to Wally IN IRAQ – but I gave a scenario the other day wherein he gets home and then gets his clock cleaned by an ice cream truck – or better yet, by Crankshaft’s bus.

     The thing is, I love to hate FW (and FOOB), but at heart, I also just love them. I’ve been reading both for long enought to know all the backstory on Wally and Becky…

129. willowbarcelona
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

     #54 – Von Zeppelin – be still my heart. Thank you for your perfect tribute to Uncle Lumpy. In gratitude, Rusty ursam mollyam amat.

     #70–willowbarcelona–You’re a hat man! Watch out, Margo will be after you next!

     #88 – Mountain Mama — ahem, that would be hat girl, hat GIRL. Now I”m worried. Does Margo have any past history of going both ways? Geesh, that girl will do anything for drugs. We could trying sending her over to June and Rex’s place…although I’d rather give her an all-expense trip to Toronto. Bet Margo could make Granpa talk again.

     #111 – hogenmogen–Aldo’s Gultch; Patterson’s Plunge. How can my day be made so many times over on this site? Gracias.

130. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

     in FBOW, Mike grabs his computer (where he has it saved) and then sounds the alarm….

     Or did you guys really want his novel trashed into ashes without knowing what its about?

     Granted the strip’s been running on treacle for a while, but I’ve been reading it since it started….

     Yes, a family that has a musician, an author, and a school teacher is rather…unique? Or Far fetched reaching. Unlike my family, where a member or two is in jail or a mental hospital…oh, too much information….

131. Uncle Lumpy
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

     #54 Von Zeppelin -

     I’m game if you are -

     “Maria Aldoque cano Vinis quam primus ab oris . . .”

132. MyGoodName
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

     RMMD: Bad Rex! No breaking the fourth wall!

133. SmartPeopleOnIce
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

     FW: I’m kinda hoping Becky winds up having her baby on the floor of the comic book store. It’s probably the only time a guy with a “Frodo Lives” T-shirt is going to be in the same room as a woman who isn’t wearing pants.

134. MonkeyHawk
     December 19th, 2006 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

     #133 — SPOI:

     It’s only Tuesday; way too early for COTW nominations.

     But that’s funny.

135. AhClem
     December 19th, 2006 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

     “Aldo Gulch” is a spot on John Patterson’s model railroad, where bad track always causes the train to derail and hit the floor.

     I still believe that Deanna set the fire in a fit of jealous rage, after reading part of the novel and realizing that Mike has the hots for Sheilagh (not you, Sheilagh, the other one. Or maybe it is you, I don’t know).

     The stuck-together pages were a big clue.

136. commodorejohn
     December 19th, 2006 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

     My FOOB dreams are along these lines: Michael saves his manuscript in the nick of time, but the house burns to the ground, and only he and his family escape, with the clothes on their backs and the all-important Great Canadian Novel (I like that so much I suggest someone more important than me make it a regular phrase; kudos to Poteet for coining it,) which bombs horribly, leaving their family broke and homeless; they move back in with his parents; his mother soon begins to try to manipulate his life the way she has Liz’s, and his wife gets into constant arguments with his dad over whether or not the model trains can go in the room they’re staying in. Liz, exhausted by the fact that the entire goddamn UNIVERSE wants her to marry Granthony, drinks herself into alcoholic oblivion and dies of chronic liver failure. Studly Do-Right meets a nice girl who won’t jump ship the second her old flame is available again and exits gracefully. April says “screw it” to the rest of her obnoxious family, moves out of the country, starts a career as a solo performer and hits it big, pissing her mother off. Grandpa Strokemeister snaps, ODs on antidepressants, and Grandma Potatohead starts playing mother to his mummified corpse. And NOBODY has a merry Christmas.

137. ovenface
     December 19th, 2006 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

     This is all quite amazing. I’d really like to see a ‘dancing Dent’ icon, someday. I laugh every time I see that guy. I’ve been loving MW lately for Dent as well as the apathetic stares of the condo board leader.

138. AppleGirl
     December 19th, 2006 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

     133 – SmartPeopleOnIce, I second the COTW nomination!

     FBOFW – Michael grabs his discs, but leaves his ancient laptop to burn. Later, he cannot retrieve the Great Canadian Novel, because he can’t find a computer anywhere on the planet that can still read floppies.

139. Marion Delgado
     December 19th, 2006 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

     Rex and June need to adopt a starfish boy. Nikki has two mommies.

140. Mike Trail
     December 19th, 2006 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

     I think Mark, Cherry, Rusty and Doc are on holiday break for the week so they got the beavers to stand in for them.

141. MossMoses
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

     Lucky sure hooked up fast with that female beaver. It would never work that way in the real world where beavers are territorial animals and females aren’t that hot to trot. Too bad his premature “excitement” spoiled their beaver whoopy sesh. Mark Trail is getting all touchy feely now with “not understanding” bears and “excited” beavers. That’s a lot more emotion than most of the Lost Forest humans display (except for maybe kicking chickens).

142. MonkeyHawk
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

     #141 — MossMoses:

     Chalk it up to Jackel Rod’s inability to portray a story.

     I suspect as Theodore was approaching the sweet young beaver he said, “I’m a docent.”

     As pick-up lines go, it’s aways a winner.

143. Pendragon
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

     More poems, mule!

144. Pendragon
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

     In the absence of weights I thank you, Uncle Lumpy, for the most hostility uncomprehending, chicken-kickinest, aldomaniacal, finger-quoting Margoing masterwork to grace the googles of the intertubes, capisce?

     You don’t happen to look like Captain Kangaroo, do you?

145. Uncle Lumpy
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

     #144 Pendragon -

     Nope, but I look like this guy. The first link of Mr. O’Malley’s #26 has full details.

146. Pendragon
     December 19th, 2006 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

     Having now reread Mr. O’Malley’s limerick and followed all the links, explaining the then and now Uncle Lumpy and his place in the Curmudgeonverse, I stand totally in awe of the complex and convoluted minds of the Cardinals.

147. Heckler123
     December 19th, 2006 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

     I hate Mark Trail. I hate Lucky the beaver. I hate the levitating Jack Elrod crystal ball. This whole beaver thing is no more a story line than a tampon commercial is an epic movie.

148. Uncle Lumpy
     December 19th, 2006 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

     #147 Heckler -

     Feeling, “not fresh”?

149. Jad-ben-Otho
     December 19th, 2006 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

     Mark Trail: No one draws excited beaver like Jack Elrod.

150. Poteet
     December 19th, 2006 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

     # 123 & 130 — Robert, some of us know what the novel is about because Michael has described the characters and plot in excruciating detail in his December letter on the official Foobsite, and there’s more in his November letter. You can go there and read it, but I don’t recommend it unless you are feeling masochistic.

     Saxman, your version would be a VAST improvement. Bwahaha!

151. Poteet
     December 19th, 2006 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

     # 145 — Finally I get the message. Wow, this is so great. I loved Mr. Green Jeans.

     # 147 — Heckler, I wouldn’t argue that MT beaver love is a plot. But look at that beaver girl again. She even has an appealing little smile — don’t you think she and Theodore will be good for each other? For one brief shining moment, a character in MT is happy for a fairly sane reason. I’m enjoying it:-).

152. Summerhouse
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

     #122 Hogenmogen – I don’t think most posters who mention Wally actively wish him harm, but rather they have a sense of utter despair and powerlessness to stop Batuik from killing Wally, so they wish it would just go ahead and happen. Batuik’ll probably blow up Wally’s tent or something as Wally gets his first and last glimpse of his baby’s picture on his laptop. It’s going to be something hellish, so come on, already.

153. Heckler123
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

     #151, Poteet – Okay, okay. I’m not anti-beaver, just anti-Mark Trail. And here is a bit of info that I just gleaned from that glorious, infinite source of minutia that we call the Internet.

     “When it comes time for the mating ritual, the female is the one to initiate sexual intercourse. After the female beaver has found a suitable mate, she has an interesting way of showing it – she secretes a yellowish, oily substance called castoreum, which comes from a gland that is located between her anus and genitals. After the initial show of love, the beavers glide face to face in the water during their love-making. As long as the male shows his lover the proper respect, beaver couples tend to remain together for the rest of their lives.”

     Beavers got taints!

154. MossMoses
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

     #147 Heckler, dissing Mark Trail is okay but your analogy doesn’t hold up because there are some great feminine hygiene ads out there. How about the mother and daughter reunion where the daughter and mom haven’t seen each other in several years and daughter confides to Mom about that “not so fresh” feeling she gets at times. There’s really no fresher feeling than new Summers Eve. More information on this topic is available at :

     http://www.mum.org/

155. MonkeyHawk
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

     In the cause of the CC’s ever-ending quest for enlightenment I went to Ted Stevens’ Intertubes and, like George WMD Bush, looked on The Google which led me to the absolute source of all knowlege: Wikipedia, where in I found:

     “Castoreum is the glandular secretion of the beaver. Today, it is used in trapping, some perfumes, and as a flavoring in chewing gum.”

     Chewing gum?!

     I hope I speak for everyone here when I say, “Ewwwwwww!”

156. Heckler123
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

     It seems that we’re getting way off the topic of Mark Trail here, which was my original point. I think. I’m not sure any more.

     But everyone seems to be mentioning commercials for douches. I don’t believe anyone has mentioned any good tampon commercials, which was my allusion.

     Dear God, get me out of here.

157. Harry Paratestes
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

     Crossover! See the secretary in A3G? (she’s new, since Eric is banging the other one) Now look at The Phantom. See the secretary hiding from the fight? Same one. It seems that Eric the billionaire is the evil minister in deepest Bangalla, and he’s about to get the living donkey shit beaten out of him by the President of Bangalla.

158. Dicky
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

     79 – Lumpia? As in the yummy spring roll type thing depicted here in wiki form? (I prefer lumpia shanghai)
     I don’t know… How does beaver taste?

159. queek
     December 19th, 2006 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

     157: there’s a racial difference there. Or a coloring error.

     158: spicy beaver sausage is good stuff. . . . .

160. Uncle Lumpy
     December 19th, 2006 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

     Before everybody heads off to Josh’s current post, I want to say, “thanks” for all the lovely compliments – it’s been a wonderful day of checking this thread every 20 seconds to find somebody saying something nice about my poem!

     It will keep me going through the long nights as I compose my full-length parody of Homer’s Odyssey – I’m off to a good start:

     Αλδω μοι εννεπε, Μουσα, πολυτρωπον, ος μαλλα πολλα πλαγχθη . . .

161. Summerhouse
     December 19th, 2006 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

     Uncle Lumpy – Thank you so much for mentioning the Best Bear in the World in your poem. ‘Cause she is. And I love the idea of her leading the sleigh.

162. MonkeyHawk
     December 19th, 2006 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

     #158 — Dicky:

     “Salty Candy”

     Leon Russell, “Asylum Choir II”

163. frigg
     December 19th, 2006 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

     Wordsmythin’ ain’t easy!

     Fan-friggin-tastic opus, Uncle Lumpy!

164. Trixie Belden
     December 19th, 2006 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

     Uncle Lumpy, it is a magnificent poem! Thanks for all the work that must have gone into it. I second the suggestion made earlier in the thread to make Uncle Lumpy’s poem Comment of the Year!

165. Poteet
     December 20th, 2006 at 12:15 am [Reply]

     # 153 — Thanks, Heckler. Now I’ll wonder how a male beaver shows proper respect, but I’m glad most beavers apparently stay together into their golden years of heading for the Early-Bird Special at the Aspen Copse.

     Re your desire to get out of here, sorry, but I can’t resist pointing out that while women are subjected to smarmy-pap-type ads (bleah!), men are often treated by advertisers as if they were really dense perambulating columns of testosterone. The ads for male hair dye are especially funny.

     “Hey you! Dye your hair! And then women will want to have sex with you! Really beautiful young women! Like this one! With the big breasts! She’ll want to have sex with you! Just buy our hair dye! See how she’s smiling and rubbing up on that guy who just dyed his hair? Buy our dye and she’ll do the same to you!”

     # 164 — Trixie, I second that emotion.

166. Uncle Lumpy
     December 20th, 2006 at 12:23 am [Reply]

     Crap. Now I have to send all that hair dye back.

     And buy some hair.

     Crap.

167. Emma
     December 20th, 2006 at 10:19 am [Reply]

     Although I must say in Rex’s defense, it would incredibly annoying to live with someone who ended every sentence with an exclamation mark! Like June does! Even if her motives are pure! Her obvious psychosis is really no excuse!

168. Opus
     December 20th, 2006 at 11:04 am [Reply]

     Uncle Lumpy, I am very late to this party, but I must contribute to the worship. That filk is amazing. I am rabid for good scanning, and you are a master. THANK YOU!!

169. Mountain Mama
     December 20th, 2006 at 11:21 am [Reply]

     Willowbarcelona, please accept my apologies. I’m sure you have very lovely hats. Margo would just be jealous.

170. Marion Delgado
     December 20th, 2006 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

     JOSH, THIS MADE EDITOR AND PUBLISHER!

     http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/departments/syndicates/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003523533

     Cartoon Characters in ‘Night Before Christmas’ Parody

     By E&P Staff

     Published: December 19, 2006 2:15 PM ET
     NEW YORK A “Night Before Christmas” parody featuring numerous references to syndicated comics was posted today on The Comics Curmudgeon blog.

     Some sample stanzas:

     – “Mrs. Claus had been mixing Welbutrin with booze/And gone shopping with Cathy for undersized shoes/’It’s pathetic,’ cried Santa, with quivering lip/’Like I’m stuck in some damn ‘Funky Winkerbean’ strip.’”

     – “‘What the hell,’ muttered Santa, ‘these problems are chronic/I may as well cheer myself up with the comics’/But before he could read ‘Mallard Fillmore’ and rage/All the comic-strip characters jumped off the page!”

     – “‘Many thanks for your help — now I’ll be on my way/With these comic-strip animals pulling the sleigh! On Sherman, on Garfield, on Ginormous Frog –/On Marmaduke (my, isn’t HE a big dog)!”

     – “A six-pack of Pabst and a bucket of popcorn/For Hagar, Ed Crankshaft and sad Leroy Lockhorn/(Along with Walt Wallet, not one is a baby,/They are nearing the end: do you think that they may be

     “Rewarded in Heaven for excellent jobs,/With Pogo, ‘The Far Side,’ and Calvin and Hobbes –/Or consigned to the nethermost Circle of Hell,/Down with Billy, Jeff, Dolly, Bil, P.J. and Thel?)”

171. Uncle Lumpy
     December 20th, 2006 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

     Hee, hee!

     I sure am glad I remembered those registered-trademark symbols!

172. Poteet
     December 20th, 2006 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

     # 170 & 171 — Thanks, Marion. And congratulations, Uncle Lumpy! I’ll bet the readers of E & P were impressed.

173. Miss Priss
     December 20th, 2006 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

     Awesome, Uncle Lumpy

174. Craig Shergold
     December 21st, 2006 at 3:58 am [Reply]

     The second most powerful post in the Vatican is the curator of the erotica section of the library.

     It is not officially powerful, but you can get sooooo many cardinals owing you favors…

175. Alex
     August 13th, 2008 at 1:54 am [Reply]

     I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

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