Those of you who read the comments no doubt know of Uncle Lumpy, our very own poet laureate. Tonight he posted the following, which he’s no doubt been cooking up for weeks — or maybe he just whipped it off in a few minutes? Either way, it’s great. As faithful reader Juniper remarked, “Most people donâ€™t make ‘Night Before Christmas’ parodies scan. It makes all the difference in the world.”
On the night before Christmas a desperate Santa
Was pacing his workshop and swilling MylantaÂ® –
His elves had been shipped to Bangalla as slaves,
And the reindeer hung gutted in Jake and Snake’s cave.
Mrs. Claus had been mixing WelbutrinÂ® with booze,
And gone shopping with Cathy for undersized shoes.
“It’s pathetic”, cried Santa, with quivering lip
“Like I’m stuck in some damn Funky Winkerbean strip.”
Alone and disconsolate, Santa despaired,
“Is there no way this Christmas can ever be spared?”
He sobbed in the darkness, then heard a faint “pifffft”
As the newspaper landed outside in a drift.
“What the hell” muttered Santa, “These problems are chronic –
“I may as well cheer myself up with the comics.”
But before he could read Mallard Fillmore and rage
All the comic-strip characters jumped off the page!
“Let us help!” cried Dick Tracy, and Raju agreed:
“We are here for you, Santa, in your hour of need!”
Archie, Sam Driver, Loweezy and Zero,
Dagwood, Greg Wilkins, and Devil and Hero,
Margo, Luann, Sally Forth, Andy Fox,
In her nightie, Ms. Abigail Spencer (she rocks)!
Popeye and Spider-Man! Rex and his Troy!
Uncle Sid, Hagar, that Round-Headed Boy!
The crew from B.C. (who are batshit insane),
And the limber agnathics of 9 Chickweed Lane
In a flash were all running conveyors and lifts
Manufacturing manifold comical gifts.
There were horsies and dollies and video games –
Enough for his Good List with millions of names.
Then they wrapped them securely in bright green and red
And heaped them up high on the back of his sled.
“Many thanks for your help – now I’ll be on my way
“With these comic-strip animals pulling the sleigh!
“On Sherman, on Garfield, on Ginormous Frog –
“On Marmaduke (my, isn’t he a big dog)!
“On Slylock, on Lucky and Bucky and Ruff
“Pull it out to the skyway and show me your stuff!”
And ahead of them all, with her fur nicely curled
Danced Magnificent Molly, Best Bear in the World!
“All those comic-strip heroes have sure saved the day –
“But that’s a debt Santa knows how to repay!
“So before we treat tots from New York to Amman,
“Let’s head down to Houston and stop at the Chron.”
“I’ve got cocaine for Margo – LuAnn gets a Clue,
“And for boat-wrestlin’ Bobby, a brand-new canoe!
“And to give good ol’ Tommie some special delights,
Something nice from Hitachi to warm up her nights!”
“Marty Moon gets a liter of ThunderbirdÂ® wine
“To the crocs I cast zebras like Pearls before Swine.
“Spaghetti, tomato sauce, basil and thyme
“For that recipe Pluggers will Do Every Time!”
“Some alcohol lamps and a nice PyrexÂ® beaker
“For Eightball and Elvis and Tommy the Tweaker –
“A ball-gag and shackles for Granthony’s lair,
“And prosthetic cojones for Patterson pÃ¨re.”
“And lest we forget, here’s a holiday salvo
“Of Christmas rememb’rance for Patron Saint Aldo –
“You turned the whole Curmudgeon world on its head
“And we cannot believe that you want to be dead.”
(We will never forgive Mary’s Meddlin’ Cartel
For the way they bid Aldo a callous farewell.
So to Wilbur and Toeby and Mary and Ian –
Here’s hoping those casseroles make you turn greein!)
“A six-pack of PabstÂ® and a bucket of popcorn
“For Hagar, Ed Crankshaft and sad Leroy Lockhorn.”
(Along with Walt Wallet, not one is a baby,
They are nearing the end: do you think that they may be
Rewarded in Heaven for excellent jobs,
With Pogo, The Far Side, and Calvin and Hobbes –
Or consigned to the nethermost Circle of Hell,
Down with Billy, Jeff, Dolly, Bil, P.J. and Thel?)
“And for all of the Curmudgeon posters I’ve got
“A whole sackful of gifts that I hope hit the spot –
“For Harold, Red Greenback, and Old Fogeyette
“Some bottles of Johnny’s best – cold, strong and wet!”
“For Dingo, a FleshlightÂ® (it’s not safe for work!)
“And some catnip to drive yellojkt berserk!
“Dramashoes, Jennifer, this BudÂ®’s for you,
“But please leave one for MonkeyHawk when you are through.”
“SmartPeopleOnIce, hogenmogen, ohyes
“All get FQM T-shirts (So thanks, CafÃ©press!).
“For AppleGirl, apples (they’re fit for a Queen!),
“Here’s a fresh crop of moles for Gadge Cubic to preen!”
“For Islamorada Girl, down on the Shore,
“Have some tofu croquettes — for cheech wizard, some more!
“And because Santa knows just what gift is the best, he’s
“Brought depilatory for H. Paratestes!”
“For Poteet, this community’s constant companion,
“An autographed portrait of Stevie B. Canyon!
“Von Zeppelin, MossMoses, Mr. O’Malley
“There are casseroles waiting for you in the galley!”
“For Citizen, meth! – but do not be Concerned,
“It’s a gift you and Mr. Delgado have earned!
“And there’s something else hiding ‘way down in my sack –
“It’s PaxilÂ® for Angry Black Woman (come back!).”
“I have brought miscellaneous gift cards and toasters
“For shy long-time lurkers and brave first-time posters.
“And scraping the bottom (because he’s been grumpy),
“A big lump of anthracite – here, Uncle Lumpy!”
“And for everyone else in the Curmudgeon clan
(including those posters whose screen names won’t scan)
“Christmas wishes from Santa, who won’t be outdone
“In his praise for your fine metanarrative fun!”
“But I’ve got to move on, â€˜cause I simply can’t rest
“â€˜Til I’ve given a present to Baltimore’s best!”
And in less than a twinkle that old sleigh was flyin’
Over harbor, aquarium, DominoÂ® sign.
Molly and team took a sweeping dihedral
Straight to the dome of the Comics Cathedral
Down the flue to the heart of the Fruhlinger home
With its throne to embarrass the Bishop of Rome.
The jewels! The murals! The miter and crozier!
The Shoes of the Fisherman! Pails of ambrosia!
Foie gras-laden groaning board! Hogsheads of mead!
What gift could this pontiff conceivably need?
As Amber and Josh slumbered sweetly nearby,
Santa set down his present and said with a sigh,
“It’s just what he wants, but demands explanation:
“Just why does this guy need another vacation?”
“But here’s to the man whose pronouncements deliver
“A wellspring of snark, and the source of a river
“Of joy for his readers, who have every reason
“To hit Josh’s tip jar this holiday season!”
And here’s to the rest of us! We never quit
To castigate comics with withering wit
And post through the night in a state of high dudgeon,
Merry Christmas to all at The Comics Curmudgeon!
Uncle Lumpy, a big THANKS! for your work and regard! (And for pimping the tip jar.)
Also! Do you find yourself seething with rage over the Liz-Anthony storyline, but unable to exactly put into words why it so enrages you? Well, this longish but eloquent and well thought out essay by Webcomic artist Shaenon K. Garrity should provide you with a number of excellent talking points.
Also also! The aforementioned super awesome Dancing Dent was put together by faithful reader Jeff Herbert. (I should probably warn those of you at work and/or reading this late at night in a quiet house while others are asleep that this plays music when you open it.) Thanks Jeff! This is the half an awesome thing, not because it’s only half awesome, but because I already mentioned it earlier. Hell, I’ll throw in Jeff’s Finger-Quotin’ Margo Comic Generator and call it all awesome.