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Shoe, 5/18/05

More life lessons from the comics, this time from Shoe. Dragged in front of a judge for a serious crime like stalking? Just placate him with some vaudeville-era jokes — he’ll be too busy enjoying the knee-slapping hilarity to throw the book at you! Here’s a handy chart that will help you prepare your defense.

When the judge says… You say…
“Young man, the police say you’ve robbed at least seven banks in this city alone!” “Well sure, your honor — that’s where the money is!”
“After your last drunk-driving conviction, you were ordered to seek treatment. But when the police pulled you over tonight, your breathalyzer  results was double the legal limit.” “I guess it’s like the old saying — I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!”
“Stop disrupting these proceedings! Order in the court!” “Order in the court, eh? I’d like a large cheese pizza, please — and to go!”
“Blinding your own parents with a red-hot poker — it’s one of the most heinous crimes I’ve ever seen in my long years as a judge. What do you have to say for yourself?” “Hey, they said they didn’t want to see me coming around anymore…”