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Hey, kids! Been having a good time … mom says hello to everyone, though she did demur on picking a comment of the week. “I’m not worthy!” she says.

Anyhoo, here’s this week’s top comment, picked the old-fashioned way:

“You know, any thoughts of Miss Buxley in her undies were distracted by General Halftrack’s veiled references to incontinence. I bet he’s peeing right now and there’s not a thing we can do about it.” –Citric

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“What’s with the unnecessary honesty on a first date? Can’t wait for tomorrow when she tells him she’s already been imagining their wedding and babies, gambles on dogfights, and once killed a hobo.” –AlmostAGhost

FW: (to the tune of ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’): Your birthmother’s dying of cancer/ Your birthmother’s dying of cancer/ Your birthmother’s dying of cancer/ and the Post Office wants you to know.” –Professor Fate

“Liz the Vet is slowly worming her way into Garfield’s trust. Tomorrow: poisoned lasagna.” –Inspector Dim

“Darin’s closing his P.O. box because he’s opened a new one — in his girlfriend’s pants!” –NaughtyNatureLover

“I suppose Wilbur is a widower. I mean, Dawn’s mom had to have died of shame, right?” –Trilobite

“I’m guessing the second lady is the hired muscle: ‘You want I should mess them up a little, boss?’ No-one should work at home without a sassy Prohibition-era she-goon.” –Old Bean

“I believe the answer to how Alice manages to suffer through each day with Henry and their WC Fields-nosed offspring lies in her very full wine glass.” –Mack

“Ruff seems to be eating the detritus falling from his own greenish, filthy coat, like a self-sustaining ecosystem of animal neglect and ropy, mop-like hair.” –SecretMargo

“Screw ‘Everybody’s Different.’ Play ‘Tarzana Nights’! C’mon! ‘TARZANA NIGHTS’!!!” –Mollie

“Does Mary Worth’s mission as official Charterstone advice-giver include advising close friends to abandon laughably inept combovers? Apparently not.” –rich

“Since Josh is wondering what was the deal with Albert Pinkham Ryder, I may as well share my pet theory. In the afterlife, the great dead American painters foresaw that if Luann were allowed to continue painting, her awesomely bad artwork would threaten to destroy art in America altogether, like a bomb exploding with the force of a 100 million Kincade cottages. So they sent Ryder to destroy her. He has failed miserably, and now is sweating in terror at the dead painters’ meeting. Seated behind a glass tube and stroking a white cat, Winslow Homer says, ‘I do not welcome failure, Number Six.’ He pushes a button that sends electricity coursing through Ryder’s chair, destroying him instantly. An unseen brass section vamps dramatically. Next — they send Thomas Eakins to succeed where Ryder failed.” –ChristianPinko

“What I love about Derle is that his business is called Fly-by-Night and his prominent tattoo declares him to be a tax evader. Look for Derle in the yellow pages under SMUGGLING-OPIUM.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“What I noticed about today’s strip is that those are enormous bowls of ice cream. I guess all those calories are just the trick to give Kaz all of his pummeling power. Of course, I don’t recall off the top of my head ever having seen anyone in (DT)GT actually in the act of eating. I’d like to believe that they simply unhinge their monstrous alien jaws and swallow their foodstuffs whole.” –Paperback Rifler

“For someone who pledges to take his own life before the tyrannical government can force him to pay his taxes (an illegal act), I’ve got a problem with Derie’s sudden concern for the legal ramifications of his actions. It’s like he took a page from the Autobiography of Hugh Avery: From Aristocrat to Wuss in One Day.” –Hogen Mogen

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I’m hoping to get some actual comics up later tonight, but wanted to set you up with COTW action to tide you over. In the meantime, you might also enjoy this Carter-era team-up between Spider-Man and Planned Parenthood to teach kids about birth control and fight off green-skinned big-headed slave masters/“jive turkeys” (really). My wife works in the education department at Planned Parenthood and so this had them quite amused over there when it hit the Internets the other day. It was also through my wife’s work that I was able to treat you to this delightful document.