Mary Worth, 8/29/08
GREETINGS! MY NAME IS ELEANOR PATTERSON, THE WIDOW OF JOSEPH PATTERSON, LATE CANADIAN MINISTER OF TRANSPORT, INFRASTRUCTURE AND COMMUNITIES. I HAVE ELECTED TO WRITE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE OF GOOD HEART. PLEASE DO NOT BETRAY MY TRUST, EH?
BEFORE MY HUSBAND PASSED TO BE WITH GOD, HE WAS IN RECIPIENT OF OVER $1.2 MILLION CANADIAN OF FUNDS FOR THE NATIONAL RAILROAD CORPOROTIAN. WE ARE IN NEED TO HAVE THIS MONEY IN AN ACCOUNT IN OUR NAME IN THE UNITED STATES. IF YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO HOLD OUR FUNDS IN YOUR ACCOUNT TEMPORARILY, WE WOULD BE MOST GRACIOUSLY HAPPY AND WOULD ALLOW YOU TO KEEP 10 PERCENT FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
MY NEW SON-IN-LAW IS AN ACCOUNTANT AND WILL MAKE ALL THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS. WE HAVE ALREADY USED A NUMBER OF DONATED SERVICES FOR THE WEDDING TO LAUNDER SOME OF THIS MONEY, BUT THERE IS STILL MUCH MORE TO MAKE LEGAL. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP US IN THIS ENDEVOUR, PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TO ANTHONY CAINE, C/O GORDO’S WORLD O’ CARS AND CINNAMON BUNS, MILLBOROUGH, ONTARIO, 83Z YT2. PLEASE DO THIS QUICKLY AND WE WILL THROW IN SOME TIM HORTONS TIMBITS.
GO WITH GOD
Apartment 3-G, 8/29/08
What are we to make of Lu Ann’s two-timing? She has always struck me as too naive and open-hearted to cheat, but maybe she’s also too dumb to even realize what cheating is. “Alan, you don’t understand! Jack was just using his tongue to make sure I didn’t have any cavities in my molars. It’s so much more fun than going to the regular dentist!”
I love that Margo even sasses in her thought balloons. It’s good to keep in practice. I don’t for a minute buy the idea that sunshine could restore her spirits, however. I see her as the type who, when confronted with God’s honest daylight, hisses and covers her face with her hand, then scurries away into the nearest bar.