Mary Worth, 6/8/12
I was about to make fun of the very concept of offering to find some random busybody to fill in for you on your job while you jet off to Italy for two months, but then I realized I’ve actually been on both ends of this scenario — I’ve covered for someone on vacation, and I’ve conned one of my friends into doing the same for me. But that was for weeks, not months, and the work involved was your typical mid-’00s freelance web dronery, not a crucial task like writing the “Ask Wendy” advice column for Santa Royale’s top newspaper. This seems like a much more shocking abdication of responsibility.
Anyway, Wilbur is so excited about the idea of Mary filling in for him as Ask Wendy that he’s forgetting the #1 rule of finding a temporary replacement for yourself, which is that you don’t want them to be so good that they become a permanent replacement. Mary is of course an advanced advice-giving practitioner, and while I don’t know exactly what Wilbur’s advising skills are like, I’ve seen how he lives his life, and I’m frankly pretty unimpressed.
Apartment 3-G, 6/8/12
“Something has changed. I feel different. Oh, hey, looks like I had my baby while I was asleep! Whaddyaknow, I was all freaked out that it was going to kill me and it turns out it didn’t even wake me up. If only Scott were here to see it. Oh, why did I push him away?! Oh, right, because of the whole thing where he was macking on some other chick. That’s actually a pretty good reason. Welp, guess I’ll go get breakfast. Do babies eat breakfast? Enh, I’ll figure that out later.”
OH NO MARMADUKE HAS LEARNED TO HARNESS THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE SUN
NONE OF US IS SAFE