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GUYS YOU GUYS I THINK SPRING IS FINALLY HERE MAYBE? And so let’s enjoy this springy comment of the week!

“Bluegill’s UPS uniform symbolically launches itself from his body as he ascends to become part of the rich elite.” –revenge4Aldo

And the runners up — very funny!

“I feel a bit sorry for Billy, carefully arranging his equipment around him, the ball at his feet, and only then glancing out the window directly ahead to check the weather. ‘No time to raise my head slightly! I gotta hang that glove on the end of my bat just so!'” –Adam

“Sounds like Billy has finally realized how cruelly misshapen his cranium is.” –Doctor Handsome

These aren’t our jumbles! Because the jumbles aren’t made here at the paper, but somewhere else and sent here by a syndicate! We just pretend to make them because it makes us feel big!” –Horace Boom

“The one way this wouldn’t be a completely silly and time-wasting would be if these two actually worked for the Kingpin and the milk contained some kind of liquid form of the mind-control gas. Of course, Spidey wouldn’t actually drink it then because his spider sense would HAHAHAHA, no. I swear to you that I literally could not keep even a straight face in real life as I typed that.” –Ratiocinator

“‘So, you want me to drink this day-old rancid milk in order to provide the parenting skills you so desperately lack?’ [pause] ‘Why not?'” –Little Guy

“While Spider-Man promotes healthy drinks like milk and Apartment 3-G reinforces the importance of having a good lunch, Dick Tracy shows us how uncool cigarettes are. See kids? Start smoking and soon you’ll find yourself in a bowler cap and a ridiculous green suit solving newspaper riddles for a living.” –pugfuggly

“Dennis is simply getting ready for his role in the new world economy — collecting junk and dismantling it for the small amounts of valuable scrap metals to be harvested. It’s an excellent career path, with early retirement available through the disabling and/or fatal heavy-metal poisoning generally contracted by the age of 26.” –Derelict

“Whose … whose hand is that, Rusty?’ ‘It was yours, Bluegill. I’ve claimed it. Now it’s mine.’ Slowly Bluegill looked down at his left arm. Nothing protruded from his sleeve. His screams echoed across the lake as Mark and Rusty drove off into the deepening night.” –Voshkod

“That’s not a laptop. Marty Moon has taped a mirror in the lid of a Whitman’s Sampler so he can shame himself as he binges on nougat and cremes between innings.” –Ed Dravecky

“I don’t think there’s a joke in Heathcliff at all. I think it has just embraced out-and-out insanity, and future installments will feature nothing but illustrations of bizarre, nonsensical scenes (Heathcliff drives a motorcycle inside an office building, Grandpa builds a model of the Grand Canyon out of discarded tires) with absolutely no explanation given, and the caption will be the punchline from some unrelated joke that was never set up. I for one welcome this change.” –Mikey

“I’m vaguely disgusted by the fact that Marvin tucks his shirts into his diapers.” –DrGnu

I’ve got Spider-Man’s straw, Kingpin! I’m also handling it with my bare hands and holding it right in front of my mouth while I speak to you! It’s gonna be the most perfect, untainted DNA sample you’ve ever seen, boss!” –Chareth Cutestory

A corduroy couch topped with a pillow darker than the blackest night, purple cameo curtains and a small picture frame containing a stock image of a panda? Looks like Marvin’s parents subscribe to the ever popular ‘who fucking cares’ philosophy when it comes to life.” –Tophat

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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