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Hello all! Please enjoy this comic of the week, won’t you?

“They say he has the proportional strength of a spider. They say he has the reflexes of a spider. Soon, they will say Spider-Man has the same number of fingers as a spider: none.” –Voshkod

And please enjoy these runners up, won’t you?

“I love the idea that anyone can stand next to Jughead and be the one called out for a stupid hat.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

“Aside from being ferocious hunters, grizzly bears are also opportunistic scavengers, so always stay alert in the wilderness — even if you’re dead.” –HAnzMFG

“Wait … are ‘torture implements’ illegal? I mean, actually torturing people is (mostly) against the law, but as for the implements themselves, that raises some thorny second amendment issues. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with an iron maiden is with a good guy with a judas cradle.” –ratnerstar

“Considering that Funky Winkerbean barely shows any sign of life, wouldn’t ‘Enormous Mega-Tech’ have made for a better acronym? We could have had a whole week of jokes about pulling the plug on this strip.” –Droopy Says

“They’re in my uncle’s golf bag! Oh God, the drill and the hot tongs and knives, he keeps them all there! THE BODIES ARE IN THE BASEMENT! THE BASEMENT, JESUS CHRIST! Uh, we’re still birds, right?” –Jack love comics

“Gross, Momma’s nose is bleeding/has a blackhead/isn’t finished having been drawn yet. Pretty bad when ole Commas-for-Eyes refuses to look at you.” –made of wince

“Sean is great here as he realizes, ‘Uh oh! I’ve just married this woman, and now she’s going to be there in my goddamned apartment with her … stuff!’ I love how he tries to play it cool: ‘So that flute is your only possession on earth, right? That should probably fit in my sock drawer. And how cool are you, on a scale of one to ten, with sleeping in the bathtub? I’m just going to assume ten and move on.'” –Joe Blevins

“I starting making a record of Trixie’s height on the wall. Well, the side molding, actually. I would never mess up any of our blank wall space with markings, or paintings, or mirrors, or photographs. IT MUST REMAIN PURE.” –BigTed

“Amy should be very grateful she wasn’t invited. Look at what she’d have to eat.” –Poteet

“Five minutes later: ‘Oh shit, I don’t have a boat anymore! How the fuck was I supposed to get back to the office? Mark? Are you still around…?'” –pugfuggly

“As the saying goes, a Mark Trail story isn’t over until the roc-sized pelican eats the remaining characters.” –dmsilev

“Loretta, I saw people buying your new cookbook, Fifty Shades of Grey.” –nescio

“That guy kind of reminds me of the broker who came to Westview some years ago, pitching condos in the new Westview Ridge Knolls development. He said there would be two easy payment options — cash, or going and fucking yourself. Today he’s the mayor.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I love that it takes Vince three speech balloons to get all his thoughts out. I imagine him pausing between each to take a huge gulp of air, while Mark and Cherry wait politely for him to finish.” –the good ship thetis

Also, faithful reader Briane Pagel responded to my creeping horror that someone, somewhere might be writing Lockhorns fanfic by writing the only Lockhorns fanfic that needs to exist, so please enjoy that as well.

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