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Hey guys! Your COTW in a second, but first, as threatened last week, I’m gonna keep you up to date on other things I’ve written in other places. This week: an article for CSO about tech “security theater” — you know, stuff that looks impressive and imposing but doesn’t actually make anything any safer. Enjoy!

And you should also enjoy this week’s comment of the week:

“How wonderful being Dagwood must feel. Imagine seeing the world through his sclera-less eyes and processing it with his Dippity-Do-covered brain. When a homeless panhandler mysteriously disappears from the streets of his hometown, Dagwood’s assumption is: ‘Oh, he must have found gainful employment at a place that treats him like a human being of value. What a rich, fulfilling new life he must be living now.’” –Joe Blevins

And the hilarious runners up!

‘He’s plugging in heaven now’ ‘Getting potato chip crumbs all over a fluffy cloud’ ‘Holy shit we are so next'” –norbizness, on Twitter

“Okay then, tomorrow will be the day I have a little fun and shake things up. Blondie! Fetch my two-button shirt!” –Dan

“The bear in Slylock Fox looks more than a little disturbed about how they’re interrupting his shitting-in-the-woods regimen.” –Steve S

“Wilbur’s all like, ‘Remember when I should have died in the shipwreck, but I didn’t?’ And Dawn’s all like, ‘Yeah that was fucking awesome.'” –KreatureFeatures

“As a lifelong Illinoisan, I must point out that Josh has it backwards. The Illinois residents lined up at the river and mooned the Missouri residents. Because Missouri is saying ‘Show Me,’ see? So we showed Missourians our butts, ha ha! As residents of a state that has gone an entire fiscal year without a budget, and is known for jailing our governors, finally we have something to be proud of.” –Moon Over the Mississippi

“The ‘Sooper-Pooper Marvin’ doll was not a hit, mostly because it was completely disgusting, but also due to the fact it took twenty bucks of chocolate pudding to load it up each time.” –Voshkod

‘It sure is … right on the front page!’ helpfully shouts Abbey’s talking newspaper in a Siri-esque voice, shortly before yelling the entire article out loud and then screaming some of the nearby advertisements at the Spencer-Parkers.” –Brad

“I was really wondering about the haggard expression of DogMan there until I realized that his wife is staring at a blank television screen, telling the dog to jump up on the couch with her despite the fact she’s sitting in a chair. Do they even have a dog? Anyhow, ‘Pluggers who get dementia are maybe the lucky ones’ might be an appropriate alternate caption.” –pugfuggly

Horse breeder heiress?! I didn’t breed those horses, they were a gift from my parents! This joker better get his facts straight” –Doctor Handsome

“In that cramped attic there’s room for maybe two or three people to stand in line for the author meet ’n’ greet and autograph. So what are they going to do with all that extra space?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Our son is alone in the Himalayas! Alone, except for all those monks. Heloise is alone in NYC, with 8.5 million other people. Sob! Remember that time that I was locked up for two years by Chatu’s men and everyone thought I was dead so you were on the high seas with Captain Savarna. Our kids were left here in a cave with a pygmy in charge. Those were good times. Not like now.” –hogenmogen

“Hootin’ Holler debate, degree of difficulty: both parties sober.” –lumaca morente

“I like to think that when type is bold-faced in Mary Worth, it’s indicative of the character’s human façade slipping for a moment as their words echo in their true voice of an ominous, fetid, rasping voice of an Old One. ‘Have you ever been DIFFERENT PEOPLE, Harlan? I have … If this form is not pleasing to you, I can take on a DIFFERENT GUISE to complete the MATING RITUAL and spawn 10,000 more WILBUR ABOMINATIONS into your world.’” –Dread

“Momentarily dumbfounded Dagwood quickly realized the young man wasn’t asking for money, merely holding a Starbucks cup. It was Liam, CEO of a local internet company. ‘Kids,’ thought Dagwood, chuckling to himself. ‘They think it’s fashionable to dress down for work, but look at me: full evening dress with a sporty red bow tie. I’m the REAL hipster here.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Wow, that’s a real shock. It’s almost so grim that I can’t bring myself to point out the bizarre way Gil is holding the phone with just his fingertips. Almost.” –Chyron HR

It was all Spider-Man’s idea! The blouse, the dishwashing gloves, the drapes doubling as a cape, the mustache, ALL OF IT.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“When Dawn starts feeling down, she just shoves a sharp pencil deep into her ear a few times and thinks of Mary. It makes all the Bad Voices stop.” –Mumblix_Grumph

“What exactly is the dash in ‘en-tire’ meant to mean? That’s … that’s how everyone pronounces it, right? There’s nothing hillbillyish about that pronunciation, surely. Have I been saying the word wrong all these years? By unsettling me and making me doubt my own accent, I dub this the most gripping, emotionally engaging Gasoline Alley ever.” –Schroduck

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