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“I know we live in a time where rural and urban Americans’ views have never been further apart, but I think we can all agree that a medical practice staff is no place to celebrate adorable dingbats. Our shared history suggests the place where we should celebrate them is on the production lines of the confectionery manufacturing industry.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“Sarah is pleased. She will be set loose among a horde of middle-class children — so much easier to control than the spoiled residents of Welton, and so much smarter! They will make ideal minions, and come the revolution they will wear her uniform!” –Droopy Says

Marvin belies the notion of a philosophical absolute as even Gandhi can be moved to punch a baby.” –Hibbleton

“I’m just annoyed that Angry Bear is wearing a safety helmet but not steel-toed work boots! You think fur and toe pads are going to protect you from saw accidents or falling debris? Where is Animal OSHA on this?” –pugfuggly

“My daughters would recount middle-school conversations using the ‘on fleek’ phrase about four years ago. So it’s working its way up the pop culture landscape. Next stop: bingo night at St. Anthony’s.” –Rusty

“I hope these bears understand the concept of modern forestry management or soon they’ll have no place to shit.” –Mikey

“Of course, gender stereotypes are enforced. The girl has a pink shirt, the boy’s is blue. The baby wears a yellow onesie because gender characteristics have not developed yet. And Billy did not even bring a shirt to the office because Billy don’t wear no shirt, motherfucker.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Jeffy is surveying his Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage as if he were an inmate judging a new prison tat. Now if anyone messes with him, the entire Johnson & Johnson line of products has his back.” –Drew Funk

“To be fair to Dr. Jeff, I’ve had a bad case of Plot Device Knee before. It really hurts.” –boojum

“The chipmunk was taxidermied, then placed back into the wild. Nothing sinister happening here, friends! Not a cruel science experiment. Merely that thing I just described.” –Victor Von

CHIPSTERMUNK” –Truckosaurus

“Suddenly she realized she had blurted it out — she was the Office Mangler, the serial killer hunted throughout Gasoline Alley for her long series of horrible murders involving office supplies. The three-hole punch in her hand grew warm.” –Voshkod

“This story arc is just setting us up for the point where Little Otis shaves his head and starts feasting on animal carcasses which, I have to admit, I’m looking forward to.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I actually think that rocking chair is pretty menacing on the part of Dennis’ parents. You just know that sooner or later he’s going to get restless enough to bash his head into the wall.” –BigTed

“The lady in Crankshaft is frantically texting for help.” –Pozzo

“Pluggers keep watching NCIS until they find a murder method they can get away with.” –Sequitur

“Is that yet another new plugger couple? Isn’t ‘not liking new things’ sort of the essence of pluggerhood? Is Pluggers in some kind of crisis?” –Uncle Lumpy

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