Oh hey, it’s Friday so that means it’s time for your COTW!
“Want a tip for another story? Try asking the most obvious question that anyone would think of in a particular situation. You know that suspicious fire down on Main St.? Ask the fire chief how it started! Remember last month’s mayoral election? Find out who won!” –Nekrotzar
Also time for the hilarious runners up!
“If this limo doesn’t take a detour through a cactus patch and a rake depository, I will be deeply disappointed.” –TheDiva
“‘Jacky’ is one of those low-rent limo drivers, with a broken down car that burns a quart of oil every three miles (see last panel) but a cheerful, ‘The more the merrier’ demeanor that makes up for it. It’s a grueling, barely-break-even living, a cycle that will only be broken when he starts investing in whatever that glue is that holds the Mole Man’s hat on.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women
“Since I can’t imagine they have any concept of recycling, Hootin’ Holler Redemption Center must be Lukey’s underground moonshine scheme, where they pour distilled barley liquor into used bottles to hide it from revenooers under the mistaken belief that Prohibition is still going strong. The word ‘redemption’ is of course used very ironically.” –Schroduck
“John Pascoe couldn’t speak. Ted Pearse was homeless. Cully Vale killed his best friend. Barry Bader’s dad killed Boo Radley. Aaron Aagard didn’t eat for weeks while his mom was on a bender. Scott Fowler believed his dead brother was reincarnated as a lucky peacock. Andrew Gregory was raising his siblings while Marty Moon posed as his dad for child services. Bill Ritter cut his leg off with a chainsaw. Molly Kinsella took pictures of herself in a homemade cardboard bikini which got sent around the school by Shep Trumbo. Cody Exner was dealing drugs. Gil Thorp burns down the town every year. And yet, with all this tragedy flying around, the only thing the Milford Trumpet ever cared about was Tyler Jay clubbing himself. Good luck with that scoop, Anonymous Tipster.” –Drew Funk
“Crankshaft accurately portrays generational attitudes toward golf. Very old dude: Super excited. Moderately old dude: Restrained enthusiasm. Stubbly-chinned young dude: Bemused bewilderment.” –Reginald Lansing
“It’s kind of sad that Facebook will ban breastfeeding pics but will allow these ‘MowFap’ communities to keep trading their filth on their platform.” –pugfuggly
“That’s not the real Bubba Watson. The REAL Bubba Watson is left-handed and would never doff his cap with his right hand. Let’s tear off this mask and see who the Crankshaft Ringer REALLY is! Oh. Oh God. It really was Bubba Watson.” –victor
“Blah blah Crankshaft golf story real life golfer DONG HAT” –BrutusJ
“Rex and June have definitely never fooled around. Even their children were conceived and delivered at a tasteful distance.” –Steve S
“Loretta and Leroy go to Dr. Blog, AKA literally this website. What, you seriously thought a newspaper comic author would be aware of any other blogs? The H, if you’re wondering, stands for ‘Hella,’ which the syndicate specifically requested be put in the strip more often because it is a ‘cool fresh word’ that will ‘get the teens excited about our product.’ I don’t make these things up, I just report them.” –Ben Ferber
“I’ve always wondered why these kids look bored as hell in half of the strips, but then I realized a life of spouting out ‘adorable’ darndest things can drive the strongest of wills to ennui-induced despair.” –Noel
“Famous pro-golfer slumming it with Ed? Sure, why not. Ed knows how to operate a computer? Sorry, not buying it.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE
“Arthur sighed as the drunk left. This was not the Summer Lands he had expected when the Lady in the Lake took him, dying, from the battlefield at Camlann. He picked up a dirty rag to wipe down the countertop and cursed, once again, that he had ever drawn the sword from the stone.” –Voshkod
“Crankshaft and Lockhorns today illustrate a sort of anti-Bechdel test: there is only one woman in the narrative, and she exists only via male dialogue and only as an object of mockery. I call it the ‘take my wife, please, test,’ or, alternatively, the ‘asshole test.’” –a.
“If this Mark Trail storyline completely forgets the kidnapping angle and just devolves into eighteen weeks of these three characters discussing hair care, I will give the syndicate two hundred dollars.” –Applemask
“Derek breaks into a full sprinter’s crouch in order to cover the 10 yards to the bathroom door, ending up doing a face plant onto the sidewalk when he has to screech to a halt upon reaching said door. Knocked unconscious, he lies motionless on the ground while Katie continues screaming. Mary looks around sheepishly, verifies that nobody else is watching, then meanders back to the ship, idly whistling the theme song from Leave it to Beaver.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box
“Here, we see both kinds of bodies available to men in the Blondieverse. Dag’s coworker is sporting Model B, aka the Julius Dithers/Lou the Counterman special. It features two skinny, stumpy legs buckling underneath the weight of a plump, teardrop-shaped torso. Dag himself prefers Model A, with its incredibly generous thighs. Trust me, when you’re sitting down with an oversized deli tray, you’ll appreciate having that extra-long lap.” –Joe Blevins
“Playing the long game here. Once Derek is put in a Haitian prison for breaking into a woman’s washroom, Katie will soon find it uneconomical to keep visiting — not like Esmé, whose cruise ship stops there regularly. Just give it a few months (assuming extreme longevity is discovered so you can).” –pachoo
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