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Hey y’all! Today is the last Friday of the month, and you know what that means: that next Friday is the first Friday of the month, and that means it’s time for my monthly live comedy show in LA, the Internet Read Aloud!

This week’s topics include marriage, hair and hair substitutes, stuffed animals, and inscrutable celebrity communiques. Don’t miss it! Here’s the Facebook event!

And now: your comment of the week.

“Dad, I’m holding court here! I’m preparing to pronounce myself guilty! Guilty of loving this totally adorable teddy bear!” –Dood

And your hilarious runners up!

“The Mitchells sit down with Dennis to watch one of those very non-child-friendly Real Housewives shows. That’s how desperate they are for him to stop emulating those damned 1950s Westerns.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Wish I ever felt the kind of bliss Neddy’s getting from that salad.” –Abbey Spencer Raises An Eyebrow

“What the hell is this? Key party bingo?” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“DEREK! HELLO! DON’T YOU IGNORE ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR PERFECTLY WELL! YOU’RE JUST GIVING ME MEDDLING MATERIAL! DON’T MAKE ME INVENT AN ENTIRELY NEW FORM OF HEARING AID, BECAUSE SO HELP ME GOD!” –Applemask

“Ever notice how the Wilsons look nearly identical, like the same person in two different outfits? I’m wondering if ‘Mrs’ Wilson is noticing for the first time that there’s only one person in her wedding photos and is this strip is about to take a horror-movie twist.” –pugfuggly

“Mad props to Mary for getting the timing just right (’cause you know she’s omnipotent and has witnessed everything that’s happened). She knew that she would worm her way into Derek and Katie’s relationship eventually, but she didn’t want to spoil it by jumping in too soon. ‘Non-smoking non-drama? Oh, that’s just the warm-up. Ship’s entertainer making googly eyes at a husband in front of the wife? No, not yet. Same entertainer locks said wife in a bathroom at port? Patience, dear. Cat-fight on a rain-slicked deck that nearly ends in manslaughter? I know what you’re thinking, but it’s still too soon. Husband staring blankly at a wall of photographs? Now. NOW! DEREK! HELLO!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Wine? How depraved!” –Dale Kohler, on Facebook

“Wait. The bank robbers bring their own soundtrack? And it’s ‘Tubthumping’? And they’re in costume? Are we sure they’re the bad guys?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Everyone knows that step one in a successful bank robbery is to loudly announce your name.” –Andrew

“I will be so disappointed when this storyline ends without a threesome between Derek, Abbey, and Mary. Or any threesome at all. It’s a cruise, there should be threesomes.” –Ekudamram

“The odd thing is, he’s going to see his optometrist (but he’s hoping to get lucky).” –Pozzo

“It all started with my craving to smoke … and escalated from there … now I’m looking at pictures of my fellow passengers to see which one might have the largest pituitary gland. Nicotine just doesn’t cut it anymore, know what I mean?” –Voshkod

“I like to think that as Mary says this she’s using her powers to become a roiling mass of ears and then shoulders, like a playful spirit.” –Jack Loves Comics

“Mark’s Water-World boat/automobile/airplane/island explosion apparently left poor Mr. Elvgren nearly deaf, and now people have to holler at him from only three feet away. It’s no wonder that he regularly grills his employees to make sure that none of them have had any further contact with Mark!” –seismic-2

“Humanity almost went extinct after the I Read It On The Internet Act of 2030, while cow scientists used human smallpox to develop a vaccine against cowpox. Natural selection, I call it!” –Ettore

“These panels take place in Slylock’s imagination. Residents of New Earth never realized that taking on humanoid bodies would also cause them to be vulnerable to infections that had never threatened animals before. Now the forest-dwellers are all dangerously ill, with nothing to help them but Count Weirdly’s ineffective ‘medicinal herbs.’ And the great fox detective himself is lost in a fever dream, living inside a utopian neighborhood his brain has constructed from a vague understanding of the past and an ancient copy of The Saturday Evening Post he found long ago in the smoldering ruins of a public library.” –BigTed

“CIA: ‘Here, show us on this teddy bear where you would want April to touch you if she was aliv– ummm … I mean if she was here. And alive. Not dissolving in a vat underne… I’ve said too much.’” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“You’re also a plugger if you wear a wicker jacket as part of a bizarre folk remedy meant to ward off liberals, the evil spirits that inhabit modern technology, and the plague.” –Escape Zeppelin

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
  • Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

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