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Hey, don’t forget, I have two comedy Zoom shows coming up in November and December! Meanwhile, all Americans — nay, all people everywhere — should come to pay their respects to this week’s top comment:

“All of the crops in Hootin’ Holler failed this year because of some sort of plague, so the residents are reduced to eating the wood that they chop, yes. At first they had hopes it would at least be tastier than the rotted vegetables but alas, they are finding their bark is worse than their blight.” –Shrug

It was a hard-fought battle, though, and this week’s runners up have nothing to be ashamed of:

“TIRED: Don’t talk about bird stuff if your characters are anthropomorphic birds
WIRED: Don’t talk about COVID-19 if your characters are eating in a restaurant without a mask in sight” –Dan

“Oh Mary Beth. Knowing how to read and write ain’t gonna land you a man! Now that’s some real ed-joo-ma-cation fer ya.” –jenna

“Dennis’s idea of fun is just pulling his friend round the block in a cart, stopping occasionally to gripe about the neighbors. He’ll fit into the drudgery of adulthood perfectly.” –Schroduck

“‘It’s weird, Tracy’ is a great opening line for a Dick Tracy plot, because the answer is literally everything, and none of it is going to get acknowledged by the characters.” –pugfuggly

“What makes this case more weird than all the others? The comas? ‘Three people now exist without consciousness, trapped in a liminal state between life and death … anyway, yeah, go down and look for crime stuff.’” –Mr. A

“Given Rex’s distant personality, every appointment is a ‘remote’ appointment.” –BigTed

“The hospital? Oh, yeah, they let me go for gross incompetence three weeks ago. Did I not mention that?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“‘Before I draw nearer to that cell phone which you hold,’ said Trail, ‘answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?’” –Peanut Gallery

“Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like if a gal coquettishly asks a fella, ‘notice anything different about me?’ and the difference he’s supposed to have noticed is the relative bulkiness of her undergarments, that flirtation’s gone off the rails a bit.” –Violet

“Elviney isn’t sure what’s worse: that Loweezy allows her physically and mentally impaired child to handle an axe so casually, or the sub-Crankshaft level of wit that passes for today’s punchline. Either way, she’s going to keep that comically exaggerated smile plastered to her face until she can find an opening in the conversation and make her escape.” –Doctor Moreau

“I cannot predict anything other than tragic results from any delicate operation in which the surgeon’s index finger is the same size as the patient’s shin.’ –seismic-2

“The question of whether a doctor should perform unnecessary surgery if a patient demands it would be difficult if the Hippocratic Oath, or even minimal medical training, had reached Hootin’ Holler. In other news, Snuffy’s going to die horribly, sliced open by a guy who found a head mirror and hospital gown on the side of the road!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The colorists actually did some fine work in Dustin, showing a bit of red wine through the lens of the white wine. Nice job! Sorry it was in service of such a sad joke.” –Voshkod

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