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FOLKS … it’s time again for the comment of the week

“In today’s semifinals of the Who Can Pour More Coffee in Their Lap tournament, we see the different strategies of the three contestants. Drew stays with the traditional tip your full cup approach, while Sophie, perhaps relying on new analytics, goes with pour the coffee over the edge of the cup. My money, however, is on the old pro Dr. Jeff, who is skipping the cup altogether for the direct carafe to crotch spill! Well played, Dr. Jeff — go big or go home!” –Lawyerbob

Also time for your very funny runners up!

“Who are those babies? Are those the miscarriages and scarlet fever victims? A grim reminder of why vaccines are so important. I respect it.” –jerp+jump

“If they’re implying that Jeffy is going to eventually get laid I’m not buying it.” –nescio

“At no point in the past week was Drew wearing a watch. I guess this means Ashlee stole it during their impromptu pizza date and Drew only checks what time it is a few times a month.” –jroggs

“Gotta hand it to Drew, the bar for ‘young person’s romantic mishaps in Mary Worth’ was set at ‘Dawn’ and he still managed to sail right under it. That’s weirdly impressive!” –Dan

“I know that the strip club comment is probably just a sad endnote on this plot, but I really hope it’s more. Like I really hope Max gets hired by the strip club and convinces them to keep all the old theater seats and popcorn machine for nostalgia’s sake, and helps the strippers cater to the specifics tastes of the community and eventually they open the Starbuck Jones All-Nude Review to great success. Please please make me this comic.” –pugfuggly

“It’s going to be awkward trying to explain this to the pastafamilias.” –Peanut Gallery

“I will wager that the Valentine Theater will get a last minute reprieve from being turned into a strip club, thus enabling it to exist 9 years in the future. Maybe the dead church organist left a substantial bequest to the theater. Maybe a valuable comic book will be found stuffed in one of the seat cushions. Maybe Ed Crankshaft will finally retire from driving a school bus, freeing up the town’s financial resources previously devoted to repairing the trail of destruction he left behind. So many possibilities!” –GeoGreg

Panel one seems to be the sort of optical illusion I’d expect to find in Slylock Fox. ‘Which of these two over-privileged white women is larger? Turn your screen upside-down for the answer.’” –Pozzo

“Watch it, Drew. As soon as Ashlee casts covetous eyes on your dad’s Mr. Coffee machine it’s as good as hers.” –Guillermo el Chiclero

Going for a walk every morning is a sign of great emotional distress! Either that, or it’s a sign that someone is fairly wealthy, and extremely relaxed.” –BigTed

“For lack of a watch, Drew is hours late for his date with Ashley. Fireworks are avoided, however, because Ashley sold the watch and is at home in a cocaine stupor. It’s like a seedy Gift of the Magi.” –Dean Booth, on Twitter

“Drew is so happy eating his Roundwich™ and thinking about happy times with his dad.” –Malaclypse

“‘You’re the only adult guy I know who still lives with his father!’ Truly, no strip has ever gone this far out of its way to demonstrate that it doesn’t understand millennials, not even Dustin.” –pastordan

“Alternate joke: ‘Cargo shorts? Gross.’” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, Ashlee’s dad is being chased by police at 120 miles an hour in a car with what appears to be a canvas tent draped over the windshield, but he’s got those hands on ten and two. Criminal he may be, but this is Mary Worth, where Driver’s Ed rules are king.” –els

Ugh, the single-use plastics are here. Or maybe the acid just kicked in. Am I me, or am I a jar on a shelf filled with Cheerios. The jar is filled with Cheerios, not the shelf, that’d be crazy. I am a jar. I’m ajar. My whole life was ajar, a door slightly open, but now I’ve thrown the doors of perception wide open, and I’m just a jar. Someone’s gonna come along and take off the top of my head and scoop out my Cheerio brains and eat them with milk and … and … and I hope they have strawberries too. Man, the single-use plastics are dancing now, celebrating their eternal life, a brief moment in the sun filled with food and a long afterlife in the Hades of the dark landfill. Man. I gotta get a new dealer.” –Voshkod

“Dagwood’s car is clearly too old to have an autopilot, and yet he’s driving Herb home with both hands on his burger, eyes closed. Good thing they’re wearing seatbelts.” –DNH

“Rex is absolutely trying to see if he has heat vision that will put an end to that damned letter.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The most interesting part of this meal is not the conversation but the bite mark that Dr. Drew has imparted to his hamburger. It is a single bite, in the form of an absolutely perfect semi-circle of only one quarter-inch radius. Drew himself is apparently morphing into Jimmy Olsen, but he retains the delicate dentifrice and the ultra-precise biting skills of a top-flight surgeon!” –seismic-2

Kids will be who they’re going to be. Adopting fatalism helped me as parent, since I no longer believe I am responsible for the consequences of my actions. Of course, it helps me even more as a doctor.” –Ettorre

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