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I returned from my absence this week to once again judge the living and the dead, the funny and the not-funny, and I decree the following to be this week’s top comment:

“Actually, Daddy Keane isn’t listening to a word coming out of Jeffy’s lemon-headed-mouth. He’s completely blown away by this retconned edition of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. ‘What the … No Tudor house in forest? A grass hut next to some palm trees? What the HELL man’” –Carsick Yankee

These runners up are also amusing in my sight:

“Don’t bug me about making plans — I’ve been spending all my time learning to smoke through a mask.” –Pozzo

“It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; ’tis not to me she speaks. [Editor: Too high-falutin, William. Please re-work.] Can’t believe she broke up with me because I don’t get along with her stupid cat. It’s not my fault she has a crazy furball as a pet.” –I Used To Post At Comics Curmudgeon, And Now I Still Do

“For a supposed badass, Dennis is sure into some lame shit. ‘Wanna watch two old guys play chess?’ ‘Do I!’ [cloud of dust as he takes off]” –Joe Blevins

“Straight-up mocking Mr. Wilson’s early-onset dementia is easily the most menacing thing Dennis has ever done. Meanwhile, straight-up reminding DtM’s core readership of their own inevitable mental decline isn’t even the worst thing the strip has done this week.” –Doctor Moreau

“‘What friends?’ I said, hoping against hope that I put enough acid into the words to hide the pain. What friends indeed? Victims, co-workers, nemesii, but friends? What friends? A tear rolled down my cheek into a mask already soaked. That’s why I wear black. To hide the tears. To hide the pain.” –Voshkod

“I look forward to some great banter between these two, along the lines of ‘Ha ha, usually the only magazines I deal with are the ones that I empty into fleeing suspects!’” –pugfuggly

“‘You’re 10 seconds late, Kianna!’ ‘Sorry, coach! I had to say hi back to someone I was unfortunately within earshot of!’ ‘You had to? I’ve had enough of your politeness. You’re off the team.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Look, if I were reading a copy of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears that was the same length as Little Women I might drop the voices halfway through, too. I get it, Jeffy: you pick the longest book imaginable in order to stave off bedtime a little longer. We all did it. But you can’t ask for Jim Dale-quality narration AND the longest fairy tale in existence. Pick one. For your father’s sanity. Look at his eyes, Jeffy. LOOK AT HIS EYES.” –els

“Did kids used to brag about their parents, or did they used to say ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ in an admission of the shockingly low threshold of willingness to resort to violence to address personal and social problems?” –Francisco Arrowroot

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