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“Nothing but wholesome tap water for our boy Dick, thank you. And no ice. Don’t forget, people in hell want ice water, which obviously means they were sinners when they were alive, which means ice is only for sinners. (The evilness of milk is self-evident.)” –made of wince

Your runners up? Very funny!

“We can only hope that Wilbur is not on one of those cruise ship private islands but on one of those rich person private islands where men are hunted for sport.” –Glod Glodsson

“This man woke up on a beach and immediately assumed that he’s Chuck Noland (Cast Away) and panicked that he will starve to death before taking a single step, let alone 100 FUCKING FEET to confirm that there are no other people around! Either he’s the stupidest man on Earth or he has a humiliation fetish that has to be satiated even if he thinks he’s by himself.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Of course Mary means ‘low quality’ when she says ‘poor.’” –nescio

“Seeing Dustin in uniform really brings home how utilitarian his character design is. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just saying I’m sure that exact cartoon figure walked me though creating a spreadsheet circa 1995.” –Schroduck

“Caring for Lisa’s birds in our own backyard? Where no one can see it? Come on, Summer, think. What’s the point in melodramatically honoring the kind nature of my dead wife without an audience?” –jroggs

“Truly, Mary Worth continues to outdo itself, as Mary spins from the grieving Dawn to the grieving Estelle, lost in the all-too-appropriately-colored sea of brown. Dance, dance, Mary! Dance in the mess you have created!” –pastordan

“Dustin, you blundering fool! That spider knew you were coming, and spent all night building a web that spelled out SOME MILLENNIAL.” –Peanut Gallery

“Wilbur’s going to Tom Sawyer his own funeral, hopefully just in time to see Ian sip a glass of wine and curtly declare, ‘Never cared for him.’” –Dan

“A birdfeeder filled by a man’s beloved dead wife — most boring ghost story ever, or best long-running gaslighting ever? Either way, Funky Winkerbean‘s answer will be sure to disappoint you.” –Voshkod

“Everyone’s thinking about Wilbur here, but is there a character in Mary Worth that could be turning up unannounced in Mary’s(?) apartment to greet three visibly weeping women with ‘Hey, Ladies!’ that would not be extremely funny? There really are no bad options.” –Liminal Space Battleship Yamato, on Twitter

“The best part is that apparently no television news outlet thought Wilbur’s survival from a plunge from a cruise ship only to wash up on an island against all odds was newsworthy. They were probably at first all excited about hearing this amazing tale of survival and thought, ‘What a lead story!’ Then they took one look at our hero and thought, ‘Nah.’” –Joe Momma

“I like how that branch disappears between the two panels, as if Roz’s lawyer is just out of frame, dismantling her restaurant to get his cut.” –pugfuggly

“‘What could be worse than getting unfriended over a baloney sandwich?” That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. Dagwood literally doesn’t know any scenario worse than that because he has no actual problems.” Joe Blevins

“Thank God! Indeed, thank Yog-Sothoth, the All-in-One and One-in-All, the Opener of the Ways, who has brought Wilbur back to us through terrifying dimensions beyond the mere few that humans can comprehend! Indeed, a normal human would have been driven beyond sanity by the experience. Wilbur just asked if there were peanuts.” –RogerBW

“I imagine the world from Les’s perspective is like the scene where John Malkovich goes into his own head, except everyone is Lisa and says ‘Lisa’ repeatedly.” –Banana Jr. 6000

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