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Hello everyone! Do not forget, the Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the Internet, is COMING BACK, in just a week!

There’s still time to buy your plane tickets for this once-in-a-lifetime once-a-month event! Here’s the Facebook event, if you’re interested! We used to have the show at 8 but now it’s at 7, so be sure to come at 7 if you come!

And no matter what your show-attending status, please enjoy this week’s top comment!

My mom says looking at her Chico’s catalog while jerking off is a waste of time. Also, I have serious Mommy Issues — will you swaddle me?” –Old School Allie Cat

The runners up? Also very funny!

“As I was saying, we’re not going to make an offer. Mr. Thorson here has very kindly agreed to beat the shit out of you.” –Peanut Gallery

“The only pleasure I get from this is when Dustin’s dad eyes his phone warily in panel one, as if to say, ‘Oh, god, who could this possibly be? It’s not Dustin, is it?’ Considering Dustin’s employment history, it actually might be.” –Joe Blevins

“Dithers is ruining the spirit of Presidents’ Day! He should be selling mattresses!” –Ettorre

“This is what happens when your stock mid-20th century sitcom trope (‘women and furs, amirite?’) has a head-on collision with the grim reality of your central conceit (‘Helga would already have tons of furs, because it’s below freezing and pitch dark for half the year’).” –TheDiva

“Just how long is that notebook and how far down does that picture go? Could this be what Toby is referring to with ‘negative space?’” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“I like the range of expressions we’re seeing here, from bored to mildly concerned, with the exception of Ed who looks absolutely freaked out. ‘This must be bad. Nobody invites me to shit!’” –pugfuggly

“I was going to make a crack about how Madison is the girl in the front row, and then I was going to make a crack about how ‘Madison’ is probably an old person name by now and Pranit should hit on someone his own age, and then I looked it up and the popularity of ‘Madison’ peaked in 2005 and is absolutely age-appropriate for the girl in the front row and Pranit should totally be hitting on Madisons. I am willing to put much more work into this than into following the actual plot of Gil Thorp.” –matt w

Pranit! Hey, Pranit! You sit up straight and listen well when I tell you about the heroism and vision of Francisco Solano Lopez, you hear me? He was South America’s Napoleon!” –jroggs

“You would think everyplace in Centerville would have learned to keep their doors locked by now to ward off premature Crankshaft.” –nescio

“‘The rose has you thinking of Daisy Dugan. But his name is Daisy, not Rose.’ God damn this is why Tracy gets paid the big bucks. Sit back and watch a master detective at work, folks.” –Dan

“‘My mother thinks my movie watching and frisbee playing are a waste of time,’ said Cal, adding, ‘She really wants me to focus on my art.’ At that point his story began to fall apart.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Why am I telling you this? You kidding me? I’m supposed to tell you this stuff, numb nuts. Why else would I be here? What kinda dope are you on, and if you have any left, can I get me some?” –made of wince

“How to get all the excitement of a courtroom drama without actually having to draw a courtroom.” –Oversized Garden Ornament

Snitches get stitches, y’know. Fortunately, Rex is a doctor, so at least they’ll be sterile.” –Pozzo

“Five years’ worth of single-use shampoo tubes would require at least 1000 motel visits, you know. (What, you think a plugger showers every day?) And the average motel costs at least $45 per night … actually we don’t have to do the rest of the math. We already see exactly what it means to be a plugger — to be so economically comfortable as to be able to spend years of your life on the road and sleeping in motels, yet feeling so economically vulnerable you take comfort in and define your own identity by the hoarding of dozens of dollars worth of free hygiene products.” –Amelie Wikström

“It may seem odd that Dolly is explaining this to non-verbal PJ but she’s just rehearsing her TED talk.” –Hibbleton

“That look on ‘Miss Sarah’s’ face says it all. She found this guy, blackmailed him into coming forward, and is making goddam sure he delivers. What, you think she’s going to let her dick of a father handle this when her Kitty Cop merchandising deals are at risk?” –Lawyerbob

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