I could be wrong, it could just be a bunch of skeletons or ghosts or something
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Judge Parker, 11/30/24
Hey, remember at the beginning of this year, when we found out that the Judges Parker had a secret daughter (to Judge Parker Senior)/sister (to Judge Parker Junior) named Ann, who they hadn’t seen in 20 years? And it turned out that she was tied up in various criminal enterprises, and that’s why she had to flee again, and also maybe she murdered a guy on her way out of town? Well, Judge Parker Senior spent a lot of the Thanksgiving holiday pingponging being maudlin about how his whole family isn’t together and also being manic and thankful, which it looks like is leading up to the big reveal that he has Ann locked up in the family’s terrifying basement, for her protection (?). Probably he used to keep all kinds of people locked up down there, which is why Randy hated it so much.
Dustin, 11/30/24
Haha, yeah, I wonder who thought up one of the most widely used and beloved features on modern smartphones? Probably a girl, right? Do you think she got her girl cooties all over it?
67 replies to “I could be wrong, it could just be a bunch of skeletons or ghosts or something”
Mary Worth Mashup: No Wilburs involved.
Archie-The pipe wrench that went missing the same time that that student also went missing.
FC-After finishing Daddy off yesterday Billy can now eat Mommy’s pie.
MW-A round of poisoned muffin baskets for everyone!
I think JP Sr has an affair partner stashed in the basement: Pepe le Pew. Pepe can’t resist anyone with a white stripe in black hair.
Hey, maybe the judge’s basement is being used for overflow from the out-of-story characters typically housed in Charterstone’s basement cells. Carlos Alora could be working TWO cell blocks!
MW: Mary holds her leftover turkey dinner up to the kitchen window to terrify the pigeons. “You’re next, Homey. Heh, heh”
Judge Parker: The basement is where the Judge developed his secret Mallen streak technology. You think three perfectly straight white stripes of hair on the sides and top of his head just grew naturally? Trust me, you don’t want to see the survivors of the failed experiments.
Dustin: One fundamental way Dustin and his family seem to alien to me is that if someone asked me who invented the selfie camera, I’d probably go on at least a half hour Wikipedia binge, rather than crack a “lol women be photographing” and doesn’t actually make sense. Relatedly – turns out no-one knows who invented the selfie camera, but they were almost certainly Japanese and depending how what you count as a selfie camera, probably worked for either Nintendo or Kyocera.
Dustin–Now I’m flashing back to Mario Yamasaki making hearts with his hands before every fight he’d referee in the UFC. Back before he was letting dudes nearly die before he’d step and stop a fight, obviously.
MW: Wait, her neighbors left Mary carry-out from Dahlia’s? I checked the menu and it looks like Mary is about to feast on a pigeon drumstick, some plain brown bread, and sliced pancreas.
Dustin: Anyone with half-a-brain would realize the self-facing camera is a prerequisite for FaceTime-like phone calls which, even as Dick Tracy introduced a two-way wrist TV in 1964, everyone thought would be the normal way people make phone calls in the future.
MW: Mary’s about to enjoy a turkey drumstick with a tasty side of Spam.
FC: Not a bad single panel today if you take out Jeffy’s unnecessary comment. Sometimes less really is more.
MW: Mary blithely ignores the fact that she hasn’t seen any of her dear friends in person through this entire illness. I mean, she didn’t have the bubonic plague, or leprosy.
RMMD: Tell them about the Korean TV show, Merle. That should distract them.
9CL: Has anyone else found this strip derivative of “The Time Machine?” The gentle, dim-witted Eloi, doomed to be devoured by the voracious Morlocks.
GT: Poor Gil can’t catch a break. He finally gets that rectal stickectomy and people are still bitching at him.
@Liam:
Oedipal complex anyone?
If I were Dustin, I’d pay more attention to the fact that my long-lost twin brother is sitting right there in the food court.
Chix (sic): Piro really sticks it to her ex, the snowplow driver.
We have here a twentysomething guy who hangs out with a seven-year-old and a seven-year-old who hangs out with Dustin. And they’re making fun of girls?
MW – Mary’s going to thank them for Door Dashing her a dinner, and her friends are all going to gushingly praise Mary for staying home while sick so as not to spread her germs to others, as if that’s some amazing, superhuman feat that no one in the history of ever has thought of. And that’s what Mary is really after. It’s a constant, obsessive trolling for praise.
Zits: The first combination of mobile phone and digital camera, meant to sent photos instantly through a public network, is credited to Philippe Kahn, who was reportedly a man. (Well, a Frenchman, but still.) But he did it to take pictures of his newborn daughter — so, yeah, that’s all girly stuff, eww!
Judge Parker: Hey buddy, you’re supposed to install a locked door at the top of the stairs leading to the terrifying basement where your horrifying experiments are taking place! Man, these Parker dudes can’t even get being creepy creepsters right.
Mary Worth: That’s a weirdly shaped drumstick… Wait, is Mary eating one of the birds that are flying outside her window!? I mean, I know her neighbors are cheap, but this is ridiculous.
JP: Alan shows Randy his woodworking shop in the basement. He demonstrates for his son with a common mourning dove his innovative birdhouse guillotine. “Wake me at dawn. You little bastard.”
JP: Nothing, and I mean nothing, is off the table for Alan’s basement reveal, and these things are always dumber than anything mortal minds can imagine. What I will predict, however, is that we will continue to be blueballed on this dragged-out reveal, possibly for a very long time. Tomorrow will just be a rerun of the past few days, ending with Alan opening the door and Randy saying, “Oh no. Dad. What… what have you done?”
DT: Even though the Tottens have been treating this contracted work for the city like they’re being nagged by their wives to do housework, it is contracted work, and their clients surely expect a certain level of professional discretion for their money. For example, if the city wanted to make a big deal about finally restoring the lighting for a tower that has been unlit for over eighty years, it would be EXTREMELY BAD FORM to test the system at night without taking precautions like disconnecting the light sources or putting up some blackout curtains or something. You know, I’m starting to think these Nazis might not be so great after all.
H&L: Even before the rise of the boundlessly-convenient internet, it was common practice to publish film runtimes in ads and reviews for the films, and theaters had phone numbers you could call to learn this information as well. This isn’t even viable boomer humor. Hi and Lois are just lazy moronic assholes.
RMMD: Robbing an old man with a knife and no mask in broad daylight while he’s walking his dog through his American suburban neighborhood has to be the highest-risk-to-lowest-reward crime conceivable. I honestly struggle to imagine something more stupid than this. Maybe dumpster-diving through medical waste behind an STD clinic on the hopes that someone tossed a half-eaten sandwich in there?
@BigTed: I meant “Dustin,” not “Zits.” When younger people all start to look alike, yep, you’re a plugger.
@Joe Momma:
“There once was a man named Oedipus Rex
You may have heard about his strange complex
His name appears in Freud’s index
Cause he loved his mother!”
Dustin: I feel like this artwork sets up a much more poignant story.
“What’s going on over there?”
“Those are people who love each other, and genuinely enjoy being together.”
“You mean, everyone other than us?”
“I was trying to be subtle.”
JP: Remember, Randy Parker is all man!
JP:
“They put Woody Wilson down here, son. Those muffled screams you hear when you come over are from him reading this strip for the past eight-plus years!”
Did you know that Dustin’s sister is named Megan? I sure didn’t! Nor has it ever come up on this website. Credit where due, according to the Baby Name Grapher “Megan,” “Dustin,” “Hayden,” “Helen,” and “Ed” are all age-appropriate names at least for 2010 when the strip started.
Does Judge Elder Parker get his hair styled by the Department of Public Works’ road lane painting crew?
JP:
“Okay. Enough of the suspense, son. It’s a Lego diorama which reconstructs Neddy Spencer’s factory collapse!”
JP: I like how Randy’s speech balloon has kinda merged with the narration box, because I would totally believe that Randy would be the type to narrate his own actions out loud.
Dustin is just becoming a list of grievances that the writer seems to have with whole groups of people. Millenials, the elderly, woman, bah! Why can’t middle-aged men ever catch a break…!
Judge Parker: “A Peloton? Really? Jesus, Dad!”
“Try to lower your voice two octaves. You promised you wouldn’t scream.”
Dustin Yes, a sixteen year old girl in 2024 wondering where the “selfie camera” came from is something that would happen, all right. The old men who create this strip haven’t talked to anybody under 80 years old since 2000, have they?
JP:
“It’s Sigue Sigue Sputnik’s entire musical oeuvre!”
@1 Baja Gaijin:
Uh oh, Baja. Sid‘s gonna have your ass in a sling.
JP: Alan Parker, number one Susan Sontag/Reed Richards hairdo fan, keeps the bodies of his murdered ex-wives hanging on the basement walls. What can I say, I love the classics.
JP: I hope it’s Cthulhu in the basement. Even better would be Grand Galactic Emperor Chennux. I miss the old bastard.
“Do me a favor, son, and try not to scream.” Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first time Judge Parker, Sr., has used that line?
GT: “Oh yeah? Well you look like a reflection in a broken mirror.”
JP: Alan shows Randy his array of drag queen costumes.
MW: Mary’s going to have a drumstick plus five slices of something plus a couple pieces of bread for lunch. Then she’ll waddle over to thank her friends for putting 12 pounds on her in one day.
Frazz: Yeah, what’s the deal with holiday decorations? I mean, they all suck, right? Why are we forced to look at this crap anyway? Man, it is so hard being Caulfield.
RMMD:
“You’re robbing me?”
“Naw, we’re ‘Lewton‘ you. Get it? — ‘Lewton’? ‘Lootin’ ?”
“Very punny, you obdurate miscreant!”
Dustin- I guess an incel is gonna incel.
FC: This will be a variation of the old vaudeville routine; this time, Billy will get a pie tin in the face-but little pie. Oh, well . . .
JP:
“It’s my recipe for instant water, son. Add water and stir!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!”
@Bob Tice: Forcing your ghastly puns into the mouths of helpless RMMD comic strip characters? Bad form, old bean, bad form.
@Ukulele Ike:
Now, you listen, Buster!
GRRRRRRR
No, no. I meant Ukulele Ike, not you!
RMMD: “And don’t try to hide that Medicare and supplemental insurance card, old man! Do you think we’d risk this for your low-limit credit cards?”
Dustin:
Woke: Sees a guy who looks exactly like you living a better life and causes you to rethink your own life.
Broke: Slipping into a parallel universe where your alternate is better with the ladies and causes you to
rethink your own lifekill the other you and steal his identity.@Braniff:
“Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods said it best about your risky gambit to try to get that piece of pie for us!”
“Really, Dolly? What did they say?”
” ‘Billy, don’t be a hero!’ “
Pluggers – If you ever wondered the origin of the phrase “rare as hen’s teeth,” now we know it was Pluggers…. (and since you wondered, yes, you are a plugger.)
Judge Parker: Judge Parker suddenly turning into a remake of Zach Cregger’s Barbarian was NOT on my bingo card.
Dustin: I see today’s a “casual sexism” day for Dustin rather than “insulting people at work” or “I fucking hate my family” days.
@Schroduck: Trust me, you don’t want to see the survivors of the failed experiments.
Can we play chess on their heads?
Rex Morgan – Beatty is slipping. He drew the attempted robbers to look like bad guys, but he forgot to draw them wearing black masks over their eyes.
It looks like the Dog is going to be the hero. Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!, must be proud of that Canine.
Mary Worth – How much is she going to wolf down for lunch? At least she has her appetite back. On the appetite scale, that’s 2/3 of a Wilbur.
Pluggers – It’s a Pluggers Have a Lot of Medical Issues day. It just occurred to me to wonder about Henrietta getting a mammogram. Just like women can’t use deodorant beforehand, I wonder if Henrietta has to forego using breading.
9CL – This is as one note as Gearhead Gertie, with the most pretentious, unappealing, badly dressed characters in the comics.
RMMD:
“Say, I recognize you two. You’ve been repeatedly convicted of pilfering oblate spheroid peanut butter candies in a crunchy shell!”
“No. Don’t say it, Mister!”
“Yep. You’re Reese-idivists!”
JP – Are they going to #BringBackNorton?
JP: It’s Ann. We all know that. Maybe there’s an outside chance it’s the guy Ann’s alleged to have killed (he was only ‘mostly’ dead when the coroner examined him).
RMMD: Yeah, they’ll give you a minute… to bleed out after they’ve stuck you and your dog and just fished the wallet out of your pants.
The comical ‘neugh, I’m MEAN!’ face aside, this is Beatty’s attempt at making a statement on ‘The Great American Crime Wave’, isn’t it? I guess we should just be grateful he didn’t attempt to code these two as anything other than fugitives from Centron Productions’ ‘What About Juvenile Delinquency?’
@The Rambling Otter:
Broker: Realizing that killing the other you didn’t make you any better with the ladies than you were before, so you STILL aren’t getting any and now you’re trapped on the planet where Ned Flanders is the all-powerful King of the World.
Dustin – This strip is like Shoe fell out of the treetops, landed on Frazz, and the resulting chimera of Arrogance and Ennui mugged Zits for its art style.
Dustin: I’ve long been of the opinion that Dustsis is one of the more loathsome characters in this strip, having no identity or function beyond staring at her phone/laptop and saying pointlessly cruel things to her brother. But today I was reminded that brother has exposed her to an endless stream of “women, amirite?” stuff like this, and suddenly her attitude towards him seems very reasonable.
JP: It was only a matter of time before Judge Parker with full Mr. Rochester and started locking up embarrassing relatives.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashup – That’s almost as unappetizing as Mary’s usual glop.
JP – I didn’t notice Alan’s hair because all I could see was that frowny face. Those frowny eyebrows! That’s one of the most intense frowny faces I’ve ever seen.
He has his hair plastered down because he didn’t want to be mistaken for Elsa Lanchester in Bride of Frankenstein.
Whatever is in the basement, I’m sure that it’s illegal or at least of dubious legality. I guess he didn’t retain all that law learnin’ he did to become a judge.
@Baja Gaijin: I roared with laughter.
Thank you, Baja.
JP: OK. You’ve hooked me.
What’s down there? A mummified woman in a wheelchair? The Judge’s pickled wife? Norton?
What’s in the box, Alan?
WHHAAAT’S IN THE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAX? (Breaks down in tears. Morgan Freeman looks on, grimly.)
@Schroduck: Dustbin’s insult reminded me of a picture I got in my Facebook feed the other day of Margaret Bourke White calmly sitting on the end of an I-beam of an under-construction skyscraper, composing a picture of Manhattan.
Judge Parker: “Then do me a favor, son, and promise not to scream… You might wake up the Gimp.”
GT: I don’t get it. If you look at Rachel Merrill’s portfolio online you see some really good work. Why does all her Gil Thorp art look like she tried to trace a Chick Tract after chugging three Red Bulls in a row? Is it pressure from Barajas? Trying to force herself to match the old school soap strip look? Needing to churn out six of these bastards a week?
MW: Mary can’t trust that her friends will praise her for her positive, grateful attitude, so she must make sure to do it herself.
Phantom: Much like Mary Worth, the Ghost Who Punches Guys Straight needs to soak up adulation on a regular basis.
RMMD: Yeah, when you’re walking your dog at three in the afternoon in Generic Midwest Suburbia, you gotta watch out for this sort of thing.
@I speak Jive: re: 9CL: I was struck by your “badly-dressed characters” comment and had to go back for another look see.
Yep, matching shapeless “future mother/daughter-in-law” frocks, plus Alistair’s puke-green polo shirt/cardigan* combo. Purchased from the same rag merchant Poppa Hugh got yesterday’s piss-yellow coverall for the enormous-collared turtleneck he hasn’t taken off for twenty years. How the Upper West Side Fashion Police hasn’t exiled these morons to rural southwest Alabama is a mystery for the ages.
* maybe it’s a sports jacket. But I’ve never seen a sports jacket so badly cut.
@Anonymous: Are you certain you didn’t mean the “Geek?” He’s behind that basement door right now, biting the heads off live chickens.
RMMD: Way to go, Buster!! Just look at that powerful lunge, that fearsome GRRRR! This Dog’s gonna have his day! Uh, does Merle know that he’s supposed to loosen up on the leash so Buster can heroically fight off the Baddies? Why is he stalling here? Oh, jeeze, don’t tell me *he’s* gonna try to be the hero with some Korean martial arts crapola!! I shoulda known working with this comic was a mistake….
@Baja Gaijin: A word, my friend.. Now you know how I appreciate your using my clients in your mashups – hey, a gig’s a gig. And the Bluebirds of Unhappiness are glad to show their dramatic range here! But I’m afraid that Formerly Wounded Elk will *not* appreciate your using one of his famous carrion scenes in miniature! And his co-starring Vultures don’t like being cut outta the royalties, either. I’ll try to smooth it over with all of them… Oh, the Roadkill says “thanks”… he needed a pick-me-up. Been feelin’ kinda flat lately… heh heh heh…
@Ukulele Ike: Re 9CL – Remember the death spiral of Apartment 3-G? Poor Frank Bolle (God rest his soul) drew the young women wearing ratty turtlenecks that Goodwill would reject. The alleged New York sophisticates in 9CL dress similarly, and it’s a pet peeve of mine. Edda wears jumpers and ratty turtlenecks. The teenage twins wear nondescript dresses that no teenage girl would be caught dead wearing. The worst is Amos, who wears a ratty polo shirt under a badly fitting jacket, all with his baggy trousers pulled up to his armpits. Hugh and Alistair are going for the same look.
I guess Brooke can’t be bothered to draw anything fashionable when there are female legs to be drawn.
@Ukulele Ike: Every time I hear “Geek” I think of Nightmare Alley, the original one with Tyrone Power. One of my favorite movies. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.
Don Brutus Spanish to English.