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Marvin, 4/14/19

I am, I think it goes without saying, old and out of touch, so I guess one of the things I appreciate about newspaper comic strips is that they’re even older and more out of touch than I am, especially when it comes to depicting the youths and their various opinions and habits. Marvin is pretty lucky in that regard because it’s about actual babies, and, like, what are babies into? Pissing themselves? Marvin has you covered, my friend. And yet I take no pleasure in reporting that, if there were something other than not being potty trained that would probably excite the interest of the toddler set, it would almost certainly be creating and consuming monotonous but mesmerizing online content, like a YouTube channel of someone destroying toys with a hammer. Marvin truly has its finger on the pulse, is what I’m saying.

Dustin, 4/14/19

You know what else the kids like? Enjoying recreational marijuana use! Especially on April 15. Yes, 4/15, the special marijuana date we all know and love.

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Dustin, 2/27/19

“Ha ha, my husband and I haven’t been able to come up with sexual feelings for one another for years. We sure do fight about money, though!” I’m beginning to grudgingly accept that Dustin is in fact a neutral observer in the ongoing Boomer-Millennial wars, in the sense that it mostly exists to illustrate how both generations suck and that people in general are pretty terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/27/19

I am of course going to bring you detailed coverage of each and every one of Estelle’s hell-paramours for as long as she continues going on dates, or, as the narration box refers to it, has “experiences with online dating,” which sounds like a phrase cooked up by Silverdaters’ marketing team. Anyway, this guy’s a real asshole, but you have to admit that his fashion choices are on point. A purple vest over an olive shirt that has a turquoise-tipped collar, to match his turquoise bolo tie! [chef’s kiss]

Beetle Bailey, 2/27/19

A “fun” thing Beetle Bailey has been doing lately is a series of strips where Beetle is shown to be uninterested in Miss Buxley’s sexual advances. I’m not sure how much body language I can detect in that second panel, but it sure looks like Beetle is sitting there with his arms crossed sullenly. He may have created a makeshift privacy cover, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to neck like a common harlot.

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Blondie, 1/17/19

To me, the best part of this comic, which posits that Dagwood is an animal test subject in some vast, mysterious laboratory, is that he’s failing to validate whatever experiment is being conducted. Blondie might imagine him fulfilling some higher being’s expectations for coffee’s effect on human motivation, but in real life there he is in bed, stubbornly refusing to be chemically motivated. It’s beautiful to me, though surely like all experimental subjects he’ll be disposed of soon enough.

Dick Tracy, 1/17/19

One of the people working on a Dick Tracy-derived performance that involves multiple layers of nostalgia, each resonating with a smaller and smaller audience, feels so unfulfilled by the exercise that he needs to drink himself stupid in order to carry on with it! Hopefully this is not a disturbing look behind the scenes at the strip.

Mary Worth, 1/17/19

MICHAEL [to himself]: “Oh, snap, this chick doesn’t need my help with the assignment, she must really be good at English lit. But how am I gonna get her to sleep with me then? I know, I’ll bust out some big words. Chicks who love English lit love big words!”

MICHAEL [aloud]: “Are you an English literature aficionado?”

Dustin, 1/17/19

Maybe I’m wrong about Dustin not adequately covering both sides of the Boomer-Millennial divide. Sure, the comic makes fun of today’s youths and their habit of just dozing off in the middle of the work day, but it also points out that today’s old people hate their families so much that it’s literally killing them.