Metapost: Pre-prandial comments of the week
Post Content
I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that laughter is the best way to expand your stomach in preparation for your upcoming Thanksgiving binge. And what better way to get your chortle on than to enjoy this week’s top comment?
“Having been corrected on his grammar one time too many, Arty makes sure to double down on his frequently-confused words to confound whoever and whomever might try to talk down to him.” –jroggs
The runners up will also do the job, laughter-wise!
“Mr. Wilson frowns looking at the title of the strip, as he realizes that he can’t sell the punchline, that he’s really the author of this strip, as long as ‘Hank Ketcham’s Dennis the Menace’ is right there in large lettering.” –likeagrapefruit
“We know that Mr. Wilson has been trapped in an unchanging hell for almost 75 years now where he is damned to be tormented by a young boy who inexplicably likes him until the end of time (or until the IP is no longer profitable for the syndicate). Canonically, though, Dennis is a 5-year-old child. Unless Henry and Alice are monstrously neglectful parents, it’s safe to assume that Dennis has been allowed to roam about outside unsupervised for less than a year (and that they live in a world where it’s safe to let 5-year-old roam about outside unsupervised). This means a grown man is sitting down to write a book complaining about a kid he’s probably only known for a few months.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“‘Well enough of this,’ says Dustin’s dad as he slowly pulls a pistol from his waistband.” –knockinghats
“But why, Alice? Why do– What is– [[pinches bridge of nose]] Look, okay, there are eight (8) words in your one-panel comic strip and 25% of them are ‘inner child,” so why do you need the caption? Did King Features Syndicate hide ‘ALL COMIC STRIPS MUST CONTAIN NO FEWER THAN TEN WORDS’ somewhere in the fine print, or do you really and truly think that we won’t get it? (I mean, I don’t really ever get what’s going on in this strip, but I realize that this is a me problem.)” –els
“The Gasoline Alley ‘children’ are rendered in the most disturbing ways possible — each ‘child’ is rendered differently, yet in a way to make each one uniquely repellent. At least there’s a reason for Dick Tracy Moon People to have different irises than Earth People — they’re different species! The Dustin artist(s) use different styles of eyes on all the characters to indicate surprise or some other emotion. There’s no reason for these Gasoline Alley ‘children’ to have different eyes, different hair, yet the same weird hand gestures borrowed from Rex Morgan. I demand an explanation, or a retraction as papers used to do when Doonesbury was too liberal.” –Doc Wonmug
“If you’re having trouble with sleep, there’s a comic strip I can prescribe. You don’t have any allergies to roots country music do you?” –Maltmash3r
“You know in any realistic suburban living scenario Hi would be out there laying traps, poison, ultrasound alarms or just straight up taking an axe to any and every part of this infestation of rabbits, squirrels, birds, purple weeds and whatnot ruining the perfectly flat sterile lawn aesthetic the HOA is going for. Mom needs reality TV to feel like there’s something genuine and alive in her home, don’t judge her too hard, smug baby.” –Amelie Wikström
“Rex gives the whitest, least-sassy possible interpretation of ‘talk to the hand.’” –But What Do I Know?
“Look, I have a Marvin-aged son, and he’s about as tall as my hips. I know comics exaggerate for artistic effect, but he’s just too small. He’s the size of his mother’s foot! This doesn’t look like #relatable parenting content about a troublesome toddler, it looks like a horrible little leprechaun is breaking into schools and homes and peeing all over them.” –Schroduck
“Better questions for Sarge to ask: How will I protect my eyes from the wind and flying particles? Is that even a windshield, or just a metal bar over the hood? Where exactly is the engine in this Jeep? Where are the seatbelts? Am I going to die alone and friendless except for my disturbingly human-like dog on this trip to town? I’m going to die, aren’t I?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“You see, if you really are psychic, you don’t need a title on the front of the book, because you already know what’s in it. Having the title on the back just reaffirms your powers.” –voshkod
“Marvin knows that he was dragged from the depths of Hell by a screeching Shogoth and regurgitated upon this plane to make mankind suffer for their sins, but he does not remember the other children being in the abyss with him, so he is confused.” –Old Man Shadow
“I guess Gearhead Gertie’s husband — you know what, I’m just gonna call him Hubcap Hubby — is realizing he’s gonna have to make a pit stop and change his own tires tonight, because Gertie’s too busy fueling up with premium unleaded smugness to bother showing human affection.” –Craig!
“Mary’s avoidance of extra work really puts the ‘quit’ in ‘taquitos’” –nescio
“I think our understanding of Mary and Jeff’s relationship is all wrong. She is one of those button up on the outside/vixen on the inside types. Why, look, today Jeff is trying to leave for the night as he has a busy day tomorrow, but she in true dom fashion demands that he meet her needs. ‘My pleasure! … dear.’ He promptly responds. It’s a short leash.” –Joe Momma
“I’d give Andy Bear a pass on being unable to open a mere milk carton because he lacks opposable thumbs, but the pliers won’t help with that. Tear that flimsy thing to pieces with your powerful teeth and claws!” –matt w
“Get it? Charge card? But seriously, robot: is there any amount if money that will get us out of this? I can get it I swear! Please!!!!” –pugfuggly
“Okay, I’ve accepted that they’re not going to be in an alley, but they’re not even using gasoline?!” –Dan
“Ahhh no, Harry Hypno is going to put everyone in a trance and make them do his bidding! Oh, wait, you say that’s just a regular guy, and that’s how his eyes normally look, and that creepy thing he does with his hands is just how he expresses himself when he talks? And he gets people to do his bidding through bribes and threats, just like any normal schmo? Never mind.” –BigTed
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49 replies to “Metapost: Pre-prandial comments of the week”
“Hubcap Hubby” FTW, unless it turns into a spinoff strip.
Springboard Shadow COTW
Midtown
November 16th, 2024 at 6:01 am Reply
@Hibbleton: Pluggers: Plugger son comes over and goes to hang his coat in the hall closet. “What the hell, Dad.”
——————————————————
“That’s your inheritance, son.”
.
.
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Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
jroggs
November 16th, 2024 at 5:15 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Thanks for dinner, Jeff! I feel so lucky, and so loved!”
“About that… since you keep rejecting my marriage proposals, I was thinking we should probably start splitting the checks and-”
“Now, Jeff. You wouldn’t want to ruin a lovely evening by getting on my bad side, would you?”
“But it just feels like you’re using m-”
“You know, we really should be careful on our stroll. This time of year can be very dangerous. Why, I hear sometimes people suddenly just fall right off the boardwalk and break their ungrateful necks. We wouldn’t want that… would we?”
“…Yes, Mary. Of course. You’re very welcome for dinner.”
“And?”
“…And you are… loved.”
“I think we’ll both enjoy this walk after all. Oh, and don’t forget to leave a generous tip. I have a reputation to uphold.”
Glarryg
November 16th, 2024 at 8:03 am Reply
Hi and Lois: I frankly don’t think that the notion of Thirsty having the initiative to light a fire on his own fits his character. I’d rather imagine that his wife threw him out of the house and the Flagstons took pity on him, but not enough pity to actually let him stay in their house. They lit the fire and went inside while he gradually approached with his lounge chair, sniffing the air and looking about like a squirrel advancing on a freshly-filled bird feeder. Now they have to hope that Irma takes him back before he starts digging up their yard looking for the cans of beer he buried there last month.
Poteet
November 18th, 2024 at 11:08 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wait! Wait! Before panicking completely, consider that maybe this will turn into a story about how Mary gets hit by a car and has to have her Thanksgiving dinner served in the hospital with concerned friends nattering sympathetically as they stand around her bed, and then she has to lie there in traction for six months while Jeff decides to play the field by screwing every Charterstone woman who’ll give him the time of day! It could happen, right? Right? Okay, yeah, who am I kidding, time to evacuate, where’s my passport…
seismic-2
November 21st, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Then I just pulled out three or four of the dozen or so shelves full of blueberry muffins that I always keep stored in the pantry, and I put them on top of a two-square meter array of salmon squares that I whipped together with ingredients that I tossed into a wheelbarrow at the Santa Royale Aircraft Hanger of Seafood. All that remained to do was then to bind the whole conglomerate of food-like substances together by pouring an industrial drum of SPLAK! all over it!”
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
November 21st, 2024 at 4:54 am Reply
High and Lower:
Lois: You need to spend more time away from Thirsty.
Irma: Why do you say that?
Lois: That drunk at the next table just vomited and you cleaned it up.
Old Man Shadow
November 22nd, 2024 at 7:20 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Okay, Mary, so in the second panel, you kiss your boyfriend.”
“Uh… sure…”
“Wait… you know what kissing looks like, right?”
“Of course, I do… it’s when you humans show affection by touching faces where your food intake holes are.”
“Good enough!”
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
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Bob Tice
November 16th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Pluggers: That’s a delightfully perceptive comment from Mr. Jones, coming, as he does, from a town that can’t decide whether it’s a city or a state.
2+2=7
November 16th, 2024 at 5:14 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Truck: “Baby this is going to be such a big hit, I may be able to play at a second bar now!”
Sunday
———-
The Quiet Man
November 17th, 2024 at 5:25 am Reply
Mary Worth: “MEOW!” Translation: So are you two going to do the nasty or what? Why else do you think we’ve been sitting and staring at you this whole time?
Lord Flatulence
November 17th, 2024 at 6:28 am Reply
Mary Worth: Ed and Estelle in bed, fully clothed, on their wedding night. Sexy!
Monday
———–
TheDiva
November 18th, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
Pluggers take all the joy out of Hobbit “second breakfast.”
Dr. Pill
November 18th, 2024 at 1:08 pm Reply
What is it with women (girls) named “Alice” and mirrors (a.k.a. “looking glasses”)? Perhaps we should ban all Alices from looking in them if only to cut down a possible rise in psychiatric cases.
Tuesday
———–
pugfuggly
November 19th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Amazing how it only takes a brief interlude of Rex doing his daily job for me to long for the excitement of Truck and his fiancée. Man, you think they’re sitting on a bench right now? I’ll bet they’re sitting on it real good.
Philip
November 19th, 2024 at 5:47 am Reply
Hi and Lois: That is a lot of smugness for a baby that still hasn’t mastered object permanence and anthropomorphizes sun beams.
Wednesday
—————
Charterstoned
November 20th, 2024 at 8:11 amReply
Mary Worth: I LOVE to see people enjoy my HOME COOKING! It’s so much more edifying than watching the local raccoons wrest it from the garbage can, after my guests have furtively scraped their plates into the kitchen trash!
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 20th, 2024 at 5:10 pm Reply
Dick Tracy: Whoa check out the manicure on Lizz! I might have to take a cold shower now.
Thursday
————
Cleveland Mocks
November 21st, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Mary Worth: After that it was just a few quick trips to ExpiredMeatCo, WeekOldBreadCo, and NotQuiteCurdledDairyCo. Easy peasy.
nescio
November 21st, 2024 at 6:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary’s avoidance of extra work really puts the “quit” in “taquitos”.
GarrisonSkunk
November 21st, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
Mary Worth: I was more impressed on my first reading when I thought Mary said she made mosquitos out of rotisserie chicken.
I speak Jive
November 21st, 2024 at 8:46 am Reply
Six Chix: Some of that food is recognizable, but others look like indeterminate lumps. I guess there’s no pumpkin pie because Tuesday Chick is still making out with the pumpkin.
Friday
——–
Hibbleton
November 22nd, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
Mary Worth: Jeff blows his one chance at passion when sucks in his top lip so it doesn’t touch Mary’s coldsore.
BigTed
November 22nd, 2024 at 7:44 am Reply
Mary Worth: I can understand why a still not-quite-out-of-his-prime doctor would wear a Manly Chest Padded Muscle Undershirt (TM) to bulk up his form, but for Mary? Hardly seems worth the trouble.
.
.
.
Shadow COTW
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Ettorre
November 18th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
Crock: I have tried French cuisine. With the right sauce and some fat, not only they will make us eat camel, but they will make it taste very good!
Way to go, jroggs, and congratulations to the Floaters and Shadowers (and thanks, Baja). Here are the Scroters (long balls week):
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
November 16th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Pluggers:
That’s a delightfully perceptive comment from Mr. Jones, coming, as he does, from a town that can’t decide whether it’s a city or a state.
Weaselboy
November 16th, 2024 at 5:58 am Reply
A Plugger-ism and about toilet paper and you don’t feature the bear-man? Are you telling me you’ve never seen a Charmin ad?
Amelie Wikström
November 16th, 2024 at 5:41 am Reply
There’s at most 36 rolls in that closet. That’s enough for what? I guess enough for Mr Dog to die with dignity when his medications run out in cause society breaks down to the point there’s no more toilet paper. Come on, if you’re doomsday prepping you’re going to get at least one serious bulk pack with like 108 rolls. (I miss the grocer where I used to live in 2002.) This is such a well paid big city cartoonist elite, I’ve forgotten there are people who buy more than 4-8 rolls at a time to save money mood.
seismic-2
November 16th, 2024 at 5:46 am Reply
Is it oxymoronic to be classified as a “Plugger” when a defining characteristic of your lifestyle is the amount of preparation you devote to compensating for how your alimentary canal is in fact constantly un-plugged?
BigTed
November 16th, 2024 at 9:22 am Reply
Pluggers: It’s funny how “shortage” is written in quotation marks here, as if we don’t believe there really was a shortage — perhaps it was all some sort of economic power play on the part of Big Toilet Paper. Or, at least, that seems to be the thinking of one fellow from Indiana, Pennsylvania (a whimsically named region that is actually known as the “Christmas Tree Capital of the World,” and is also the birthplace of Jimmy Stewart — so its residents should be happy folks who are far too busy as the holiday season approaches to be thinking up Pluggers captions).
Poteet
November 16th, 2024 at 11:01 am Reply
PLUGGERS: Briefly contemplating Dog Man’s body and whether he’s got a tail tucked away in those pants and where and how he would use so much toilet paper was more sicko than what Josh described. But I really couldn’t help it, ewwwwww.
I speak Jive
November 16th, 2024 at 11:17 am Reply
Pluggers – This is a dog, right? That toilet paper is just for show. He just scoots his butt across the living room rug.
Left Nut
November 16th, 2024 at 9:59 am Reply
Pluggers – Large leaf ground cover is free for the taking in the wild (speaking from experience)
Liam
November 16th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Dustin-I’m sure some people in the office paid for the bounce and jiggle.
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 16th, 2024 at 1:05 pm Reply
Dustin: Good thing he told her before the race. Hate to see a mob hit out on her because she made eight miles.
MW: Bum Boat management will be relieved that they’re leaving. Mary and Dr. Jeff’s strongly bolded dialogue is disturbing the other patrons.
Inspector Gotcha
November 16th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
MW: “I feel so lucky, and so loved.”
“You are. I feel so used, and so toyed with.”
“You are.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Myrtle
November 16th, 2024 at 1:31 pm Reply
RMMD: I’m looking forward to the wedding night when Wanda lets down her beehive and hundreds of bees swarm out. Truck dies a painful death….
Craig!
November 17th, 2024 at 6:49 am Reply
Dennis is gonna take Mr. Wilson to court for using his name and likeness without permission, and Mr. Wilson will swiftly discover that NOTHING is more menacing than the US copyright system.
FB3V
November 17th, 2024 at 7:23 am Reply
So one of the running jokes in the early days of my and my friends’ comic-strip commenting forum was that George Wilson is actually Dennis’s real dad (note the similarities between Dennis and George’s rounded features, in contrast to the rather sharp-featured Henry and Alice). This running joke eventually ran it’s course, along with the slightly darker one that George fought for the Axis in WWII, but today’s strip has me feeling vindicated.
CanuckDownSouth
November 17th, 2024 at 6:37 am Reply
MW: And now we know why these two just had to work out their differences and end up together – turns out they were made for each other as the only Santa Royale couple with a very specific cross-species exhibitionism kink.
Little Blue Bicycle
November 17th, 2024 at 7:50 am Reply
MW: Sid Agent to the Animal Stars never agreed to that porn rider, right? Right?
The Rambling Otter
November 17th, 2024 at 8:06 am Reply
MW: Awww… this is just like in “The Room” where while Johnny and Lisa are having sex and the cat comes into the bedroom and attempts to jump on the bed.
Oh no wait… replace “Cat” with teenage male of no relation that just randomly goes to and from their house…
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 17th, 2024 at 7:57 am Reply
Dustin: Ha, ha, it’s funny because you think it’s about getting up to pee, but Dustin’s grandpa is actually checking on his investments in the Nikkei, Bursa Malaysia and Karachi Stock Exchange! He’s got millions in futures! (Neither Dustin or his father will see a penny in inheritance.)
Hibbleton
November 17th, 2024 at 7:31 am Reply
Dustin: “Have you tried Flomax?
“Yeah, but your mom and I don’t like the retrograde (dry) orgasms. Anyway, sleep tight.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m wide awake now.”
ectojazzmage
November 17th, 2024 at 8:32 am Reply
Dustin: Nice to see Dustin’s Dad’s shitty personality is, in fact, passed down from his father. The Dustin’s Family family is a long, proud line of assholes passing their dickhead teachings from prick to prick along the generations.
UncleJeffers
November 17th, 2024 at 8:35 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: I am 100% certain the artwork showing explicitly Zero’s bare ass in the final panel has been used before. It’s not something you see and easily forget.
Tom T.
November 17th, 2024 at 9:29 am Reply
HtH: At least they didn’t show us her unshaven armpits.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 17th, 2024 at 9:46 am Reply
Maybe I’m too innocent, but I didn’t pick up on the woman being a prostitute. At least Hagar saved us from an increasingly horrified Lucky Eddie realizing that someone with a gross human bottom half. Lay some roe that he can inseminate then maybe you can make a few Euros, lady.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Horace Broon
November 17th, 2024 at 9:50 am Reply
FC: I’m kind of distracted from the cute “Sam thinks he’s all different kinds of dogs” bit by the fact Jeffy’s managed to lose PJ in the woods. I’m not surprised, but I”m distracted.
Pluggers: I like the look of confusion on the Plugger’s face, like it couldn’t possibly be that he just didn’t get any mail today. He signed up for every free newsletter he could find, so he can believe that someone cares he exists!
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 17th, 2024 at 2:50 pm Reply
C-Shaft: I’d ask how that eave is holding up with a 200-watever pound man hanging onto it, but I know the answer is too stupid for words.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
jroggs
November 18th, 2024 at 6:40 am Reply
CS: This story could be an opportunity to do some interesting things. You could talk about the changing attitudes towards journalism, explore the perspectives of two people with half a century separating them in age, or maybe just pull back the curtain a little on the ins and outs of the profession. Or you could do a week of “Young people are stupid and probably don’t even know what newspapers are!” Take a wild guess which direction Tom Batiuk is headed.
Cleveland Mocks
November 18th, 2024 at 7:37 am Reply
CS: “Well the reason I want to shadow you is that the other kids at school said it would be funny to watch a guy with one arm run a printing press.”
Banana Jr. 6000
November 18th, 2024 at 5:22 am Reply
CS: Oh goody! It’s ANOTHER Funkyverse character who’s going to become a writer! What is that now, 173?
MW: Oh, please let this be a ‘To Serve Man’ parody.
Liam
November 18th, 2024 at 6:11 am Reply
MW-It won’t be Thanksgiving until Wilbur passes out in the mashed potatoes.
Poteet
November 18th, 2024 at 11:08 am Reply
MW: Wait! Wait! Before panicking completely, consider that maybe this will turn into a story about how Mary gets hit by a car and has to have her Thanksgiving dinner served in the hospital with concerned friends nattering sympathetically as they stand around her bed, and then she has to lie there in traction for six months while Jeff decides to play the field by screwing every Charterstone woman who’ll give him the time of day! It could happen, right? Right? Okay, yeah, who am I kidding, time to evacuate, where’s my passport…
Ukulele Ike
November 18th, 2024 at 5:30 am Reply
MW: “It’s tops!” Dawn is roleplaying a late 1940s bobbysoxer, and will be getting out the Sinatra records next.
RMMD: “I will relate my current symptoms to you in song form.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
November 18th, 2024 at 5:00 am Reply
FC: Dolly says; “God can’t hear you with your head under the covers.”
“I know.” replies Jeffy as he lets loose a stream of blasphemies; “Mommy and Daddy are rats!”
jroggs
November 18th, 2024 at 6:40 am Reply
Luann: Last we left off, Tiffany and Stef were butting heads over their mutual hatreds of each other and desires to possess Kip, while Bets and Dez are caught in the middle. The household is aflame and there’s not a drop of water to be found. Something has to give, and you know what that means – PLOT PIVOT, MUTHAFUCKAS! So never mind that stuff, it’s all getting dropped without any resolution and we’re switching to Luann disappointing a dying old woman with her idiotic clothing.
Old School Allie Cat
November 18th, 2024 at 6:40 am Reply
Luann – First of all, Sleepy Creek? No, just no. In this day and age, these places are going full Bridgerton: Barrington Square, Addington Estates, Herringbone Court – or, vaguely Corporate New-Agey: Acania, Cendara, Symbreo.
And second of all, I’ve had shirts made for myself. For $40 and some basic clip art, you too can have whatever you want emblazoned on your chest. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I’d almost rather watch Stef and Tiff yell at each other across their suite.
TheDiva
November 18th, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
Dustin: I would think that “I sent you someone who I’m so convinced is a useless loafer that I assume your calling to compliment his efforts is a practical joke” would lose a temp service a lot of repeat business.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 18th, 2024 at 8:02 am Reply
H&L: “And by ‘out of your fridge’ I mean ‘off of her tits’ but it’s the same principle, right?”
Horace Broon
November 18th, 2024 at 10:21 am Reply
GT: “He also told me it was none of his business if my mom was hitting me, which is a heartwarming story about what a great coach he is, somehow.”
Chance
November 19th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
I don’t know about anyone else but I read Rex Morgan for its hyper-realistic medical scenarios. I know when I go to the doctor, he has no idea why I’m there until I blurt out “I don’t feel so good.” And of course, like everybody does, when he asks me a routine question about my daily habits, I respond with a truculent “Eh,” arms crossed, frowning, daring him to inquire further. It’s like really being there!
pugfuggly
November 19th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
RMMD Amazing how it only takes a brief interlude of Rex doing his daily job for me to long for the excitement of Truck and his fiancée. Man, you think they’re sitting on a bench right now? I’ll bet they’re sitting on it real good.
But What Do I Know?
November 19th, 2024 at 5:01 am Reply
RMMD — Rex gives the whitest, least-sassy possible interpretation of “talk to the hand.”
richardf8
November 19th, 2024 at 5:34 am Reply
RMMD – Downloading a reference photo of a CPAP machine from the internet is too much work, but my hand? It’s right here! I can draw that!
GarrisonSkunk
November 19th, 2024 at 9:20 am Reply
Sex Organ V.D.: “Mr Borgnine, I believe the ailment you’re suffering from is death.”
Sex Organ V.D.2: You’d think a comic that features Shorty and the Beanpole would get a classic vauldevillian joke right…….its Ernest Borgnine: My arm hurts when I do this.” Dr.Doofus: “Den don’t do that!” And don’t forget the ahhh stick and the nurse with the big medical plans!
mstgator
November 19th, 2024 at 5:47 am Reply
RMMD: That’s Ernest Borgnine, right? Just rub one out everyday, sir, you’ll feel better in no time.
Old School Allie Cat
November 19th, 2024 at 6:40 am Reply
Rex Morgan – “Whatever it is, I’m guessing oxycontin would take care of it… whaddaya say, doc?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
November 19th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
MW:
You can just see the wheels turning in Toby’s head as she searches to come up with some kind of snotty comment.
Horace Broon
November 19th, 2024 at 10:38 am Reply
MW: “Help? Help? You think I’m going to let you run down to the store for yams or whatever and then tell everyone you were involved in creating my Thanksgiving dinner? I don’t think so, bitch!”
jroggs
November 19th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
MW: 2024 is my favorite month of the year.
H&L: For babies, all of reality is new and strange and incredible. For adults, reality is a known and terrible quantity, so to hell with it, let’s close the curtains and watch Milf Manor.
Ettorre
November 19th, 2024 at 7:35 am Reply
Lois is watching “The Real Housewives of Walker-Browne”, in order to feel superior to Helga, Martha (Halftrack’s wife) and other characters who remained homemakers, while she took up a job as a realtor. However, since she’s at home, in the middle of the day, watching reality TV, her job must not be going so well.
Cleveland Mocks
November 19th, 2024 at 7:20 am Reply
H&L: Trixie is further delighted when she witnesses a drive-by shooting in front of Thirsty’s house.
GT: His *first* interception of the game? Um, Henry, this ain’t exactly Paul Skenes notching his first strike-out of the game. (Yeah, I know, you would have absolutely no clue what that means because it’s, you know, sports.)
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
pugfuggly
November 19th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
Marvin: I mean…better than stopping it with just poop, right? I feel like they should get credit for that.
Cindy
November 19th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
Wait, Marvin… uses TOILET PAPER??
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 19th, 2024 at 3:25 pm Reply
Marvin: Let’s face facts. If Marvin wanted to clog the school toilets, he wouldn’t need toilet paper to do so.
Schroduck
November 19th, 2024 at 5:06 am Reply
Marvin: Look, I have a Marvin-aged son, and he’s about as tall as my hips. I know comics exaggerate for artistic effect, but he’s just too small. He’s the size of his mother’s foot! This doesn’t look like #relatable parenting content about a troublesome toddler, it looks like a horrible little leprechaun is breaking into schools and homes and peeing all over them.
Calvin’s Cardboard Box
November 19th, 2024 at 7:02 am Reply
9CL – Mock all you like, but “The Cum-Stained Shirt of Courage” is the most insightful depiction of cum stained clothing in comics since the Fuck Hut storyline in “Luann”
brendancalling
November 19th, 2024 at 7:22 am Reply
Luann: I think what Luann means is “I’ll never complain about my life again after hearing your troubles” but it comes off as “boy, I thought MY life was boring. But wow, you’re one boring-ass old lady.”
Poteet
November 19th, 2024 at 7:32 am Reply
LUANN: “Yep, dull dull DULL, that’s my life. It’s kinda cool that I’ve been nineteen for a decade, however, and my mom keeps buying the groceries and cooking all my meals and cleaning the house where I live, and I don’t have to pay rent or taxes, and I can just stay on my parents’ health insurance indefinitely, and I get credit for being a tutor without ever having to spend any time tutoring, and the money for my tuition just keeps on flowing in from somewhere, and my dog is apparently immortal. Things could be worse, I guess.”
Bonus Comment!
Morcock69 Premium Member about 5 hours ago
(B-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING)
”Woke up, fell out bed, dragged a comb across my head.”
”Found my way downstairs a drank a cup,”
”And looking up, I noticed I was Late,”
(Bass Riff)
”Found my coat and grabbed my hat, made the bus in seconds flat.”
”Found my way upstairs, but I have no bloke.”
”Nobody spoke and I really wanna SCREAM!”
(Ahhhhhhhhhh-Ah Ah, Ahhhhhhhhhh!) – “Day in the Life” – Sgt. Pepper- The Beatles
Maybe you should put your life to music, Lu.
These four guys from Liverpool once did, Sorta.
And made a Legendary cut on a Legendary album. ;-)
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
2+2=7
November 19th, 2024 at 7:51 am Reply
CRANKSHAFT: Blondie there wouldn’t be grinning there in panel #3 if she knew that was just Skip’s lurid innuendo about his love life.
Guillermo el chiclero
November 19th, 2024 at 1:23 pm Reply
CS: Emily, I dare you to ask Skip how he lost his arm.
I speak Jive
November 19th, 2024 at 9:15 am Reply
Crankshaft – It just occurred to me that Skip has wormed his way onto my Most Loathed Comics Characters list. I despise everything about him – the hat, the pinned up sleeve. So far he’s not in the top ten; I don’t feel as strongly as I do about Dinkle or Loathsome Lillian. Instead of the hatred with the heat of a thousand suns, it’s just an eyeroll and “Not this asshole again.”
Looks Good On Paper – I’ve never looked for it, but I’ve never seen a dress that reveals a camel toe. That’s a leggings or tight pants thing.
Frazz – The bad habit isn’t procrastination. It’s that Caulfield is a smug, insufferable asshole.
Cleveland Mocks
November 19th, 2024 at 6:13 am Reply
Frazz: Just send the little shit to Harvard already and be rid of him.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
pugfuggly
November 20th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
Marvin So Marvin is young enough to be drawing with crayons and pooping himself, but still gets an allowance? Gotta wonder if Mom and Dad and trying to quietly support his ‘running away from home’ efforts.
DtM Love the smile that Dennis’ dad is giving. “I dunno, I have a pretty clear vision of what’s going to happen on your eighteenth birthday, bucko…”
Pozzo
November 20th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
Dennis’ dad belongs to the Book-With-the-Title-on-the-Back of the Month Club.
TheDiva
November 20th, 2024 at 6:38 am Reply
DtM: Dennis learning how to do cold readings and grift grieving widows out of their life savings: pretty darn menacing.
jroggs
November 20th, 2024 at 5:05 am Reply
DtM: Dennis, you only do four things: go to Mr. Wilson’s house to annoy him, whine about your mother’s meals, mildly berate Margaret, and sabotage your parents’ friendships by repeating their nasty gossip. It doesn’t exactly take Nostradamus and a time machine to figure out what you’re going to be doing for the next week.
Cleveland Mocks
November 20th, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: Hey, everybody, do you know Mary’s hosting Thanksgiving dinner as usual this year?
Mary’s able to get away with the “home cooking” ruse because everyone always assumes the Door Dash car parked outside the building is for Wilbur.
MKay
November 20th, 2024 at 4:53 am Reply
MW: Considering that all the Thanksgiving strip will be is a single panel shot of a loaded table surrounded by people with no place else to go, and a sappy quote about thankfulness, this is QUITE the build-up.
Charterstoned
November 20th, 2024 at 8:11 am Reply
MW: I LOVE to see people enjoy my HOME COOKING! It’s so much more edifying than watching the local raccoons wrest it from the garbage can, after my guests have furtively scraped their plates into the kitchen trash!
astroboy
November 20th, 2024 at 5:30 am Reply
Called it yesterday: we’re really going to get a week and a half of nothing but various people praising Mary Worth’s cooking. Today, it’s Mary’s turn to praise her own cooking. The only excitement left in this turgid tome of tautology is guessing who’s up next to praise Mary’s cooking. I bet it’s Wilbur. Be still, my beating heart. I can hadly contain my excitement.
Lauralot
November 20th, 2024 at 6:08 am Reply
MW: I would say that this week of everyone praising Mary’s cooking would be blatant foreshadowing for some upcoming disaster, but given how slowly this strip moves, if they wanted a Thanksgiving disaster plot, they’d have needed to start back in September.
Everyone place your bets where this is headed:
a) Absolutely nowhere, Mary makes Thanksgiving dinner and it’s wonderful as always.
b) Some upstart brings a side or dessert that everyone loves even more than Mary’s cooking, and this sends Mary into a downward spiral, deciding she has to outdo this person at Christmas dinner
c) Some other stupid non-issue, probably involving Wilbur
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
rosa
November 20th, 2024 at 6:08 am Reply
Luann – So this week is a gender switched version of “Tuesdays with Morrie”?
The Quiet Man
November 20th, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
Luann: ‘My, but you’re an idiot’ There, fixed it for you.
JP: Yeah, screw my nimrod of a brother and any psychological trauma he might have from experiencing extreme family trauma AND having his friend who happens to be a girl stolen out from under him. I’m getting LAID tonight!
Tom T.
November 20th, 2024 at 5:16 am Reply
CS: In reality, small-town newspapers run a lot of stuff like “Sidewalk Repair Underway.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Flipper
November 20th, 2024 at 8:41 am Reply
BB: Miss Buxley gets to sit up front because she’s equipped with air bags. (cue Ed McMahon laughter)
matt w
November 21st, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Jeffy is looking so particularly not-smart in today’s Family Circus that I think Jeff Keane must be doing an It Gets Better kind of PSA. “As a child I had no glimmer of any talent whatsoever and here I am now drawing the country’s most popular comic strip! All it took was hard work and inheriting the business from my dad.”
Horace Broon
November 21st, 2024 at 9:35 am Reply
GT: Ah, the old Y2K play. That’s where you let the opposing team score 100 … goals? tries? I know almost as little about American football as Henry Bajaras … anyway, you let them score 100, and then the scoreboard shows “00” so you win.
Little Blue Bicycle
November 21st, 2024 at 8:11 am Reply
Today is an important moment in the history of Gil Thorp. Tight ends actually are the Achilles heel of the 3-4. HB has incorporated actual football knowledge and I want to encourage him, even as the artwork goes down the long angular tubes.
Lord Flatulence
November 21st, 2024 at 8:22 am Reply
Gil Thorp: At first, I thought he was saying “Yuk! Yuk! Hut!” like my cat.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Banana Jr. 6000
November 21st, 2024 at 5:56 am Reply
CS: How pretentious do you have to be to get “Skip Rawlings, Ed.” stenciled on your office door, when you’re a one-man newspaper and you spend your day thinking up stupid shit like this?
I speak Jive
November 21st, 2024 at 8:46 am Reply
Crankshaft – Batiuk heard that Dave Barry won a Pulitzer Prize, so now he’s going with humor. The problem is that Dave Barry is funny.
Mary Worth – If Mary combined a can of tiny shrimp with a jar of cocktail sauce, poured it over a block of cream cheese, and served it with crackers, she’d expect a fucking Nobel Prize.
But What Do I Know?
November 21st, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
MW — Next week, Mary admits to purchasing the Priceco jumbo box o frozen salmon squares and giant cans of Splak!
Schroduck
November 21st, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
MW: This raises the horrifying possibility that in Santa Royale, actual shops sell salmon squares. That there are huge factories churning them out, the rancid odor depressing house values for miles around.
Tom T.
November 21st, 2024 at 8:49 am Reply
MW: At least she didn’t just buy the taquitos off the rollers at 7-11.
jroggs
November 21st, 2024 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: Is it just me or did Karen and June forget to say whether Ed or Estelle was moving? I know it’s a bit of a stretch to call the characters in Mary Worth “human people,” but typically mammal-presenting sapient creatures prefer to reside in the same living space after marrying.
seismic-2
November 21st, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
MW: “Then I just pulled out three or four of the dozen or so shelves full of blueberry muffins that I always keep stored in the pantry, and I put them on top of a two-square meter array of salmon squares that I whipped together with ingredients that I tossed into a wheelbarrow at the Santa Royale Aircraft Hanger of Seafood. All that remained to do was then to bind the whole conglomerate of food-like substances together by pouring an industrial drum of SPLAK! all over it!”
Tabby Lavalamp
November 21st, 2024 at 6:01 am Reply
BORING! At least tell us you meddled in the lives of some of the Priceco staff while you were there, Mary.
astroboy
November 21st, 2024 at 6:05 am Reply
She hasn’t mentioned it yet, but Mary bought the beige glop at Entire Foods.
The Rambling Otter
November 21st, 2024 at 7:36 am Reply
Mary is so old, she used to buy her fish at Omar the Merchant’s hut just a few miles across the desert from the nearest town. She heard some kid was born there around the time, Jessie or something…. she wasn’t good with names. But everyone started praising that kid and not her! “The nerve…”
Joe Momma
November 21st, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
MW: “And, Jeff,” you know that fancy lotion you use on me during our sexy times. It’s Palmolive. My friend Madge told me about it. I love soaking in it.”
Mary shows that she is a Boomer.
MKay
November 21st, 2024 at 5:05 am Reply
MW: Store-bought or not, Jeff you’ll still be expected to sing Mary’s praises on Thanksgiving. So pace yourself, you’re not a young toady, er, man, any more.
RMMD: The only thing missing from this picture is the dutiful, subservient wife, anxiously clutching her purse to her bosom.
The Quiet Man
November 21st, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
RMMD: In fact, why don’t you take a walk around the block right now? Your time’s up, get out of my office, and don’t forget to pay your bill on the way out!
Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
November 21st, 2024 at 11:31 am Reply
OFF TOPIC REQUEST FOR THE GROUP: I’m looking for a white elephant gift for my department’s Christmas Party. My original idea (a gallon of McRib Sauce) was claimed already by another participant. Needs to be less than $20 and easily shippable in the CONUS. Anybody got any wacky ideas?
Garrison Skunk
November 21st, 2024 at 11:56 am Reply
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: OFF TOPIC REQUEST FOR THE GROUP: Does it have to be safe for work? I’d suggest The Sharper Image’s Life Size Blow Up Mary Worth™ Sex Doll With Removable Muffin just
$229.67 plus 27.89 for extra meddling circuits.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
MKay
November 22nd, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
MW…and with a kiss as tepid as Mary’s taquitos, our hero takes his leave.
Cleveland Mocks
November 22nd, 2024 at 6:13 am Reply
MW: As Jeff becomes more passionate, Mary asks him, “Is that a taquito in your pocket or are you just manifesting your disgusting base urges?”
astroboy
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:04 am Reply
MW – All this talk of taquitos and Priceco signature trays has turned Dr. Jeff on so much, he moves in for his once-a-year sexy time.
Comsidering Dr. Jeff is hung like a Ken doll, this qualifies as sexy time.
Joe Momma
November 22nd, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: I think our understanding of Mary and Jeff’s relationship is all wrong. She is one of those button up on the outside vixen on the inside types. Why, look, today Jeff is trying to leave for the night as he has a busy day tomorrow, but she in true dom fashion demands that he meet her needs. “My pleasure! . . .dear.” He promptly responds. It’s a short leash.
LTJpezcore1
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
MW: I’m not going to criticize the kissing art, because have you seen how idiotic most of our kisses look when we’re being photographed? We almost always look weird.
Jeff leaving after dinner when it doesn’t look pitch black though…under the guise of “I have an early meeting tomorrow”…just had to escape without the indignities of being rebuffed once again…
Old Man Shadow
November 22nd, 2024 at 7:20 am Reply
“Okay, Mary, so in the second panel, you kiss your boyfriend.”
“Uh… sure…”
“Wait… you know what kissing looks like, right?”
“Of course, I do… it’s when you humans show affection by touching faces where your food intake holes are.”
“Good enough!”
cheech wizard
November 22nd, 2024 at 7:49 am Reply
MW – So now that we know Mary’s famed kitchen wizardry is right out of the Campbell’s Soup Cookbook, is it any surprise her version of adult intimacy is strictly 1950s as well? She and Jeff even have twin beds, though in this case they’re not even in the same building.
Professor Well Actually
November 22nd, 2024 at 8:26 am Reply
MW: what are the odds that Jeff has a hand on Mary’s ass?
ectojazzmage
November 22nd, 2024 at 7:14 am Reply
Mary Worth: The act of kissing depicted through what looks like two pieces of clip-art being awkwardly slid together in an editing software to avoid even the slightest hint of sexuality or passion. I expect nothing less from Mary Worth.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:51 am Reply
Sure, the Hayes Code may have only applied to movies and is long since defunct, but damn it, Karen Moy is going to use it when writing Mary Worth and that’s the bottom line, you lousy degenerates.
Dennis Jimenez
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:09 am Reply
MW – What they say and what they mean: (Jeff) I’m going home to wank over cyber porn. My balls are bluer than Gainsborough. (Mary) Get after it pal – no soup for you….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Downpuppy
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:36 am Reply
But are those really pliers the Plugger is holding? They look more like Ear Clamp Installation Tools, used to put tight bands around hose connections. In any event, he’s a bear. Bears do not need tools to open things. They just rip right in. Because they’re bears.
Hibbleton
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:27 am Reply
Plugger gets pliers and then forgets why. Fixes loose shower head. Wife wonders who left the milk out.
Maltmash3r
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:39 am Reply
You’re a plugger if you consider opening a milk carton “difficult”
nescio
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
The last time a Plugger was this angry at a carton of milk was when it had a picture of his kid whom he had kidnapped from his ex-wife.
Pozzo
November 22nd, 2024 at 5:59 am Reply
Dagwood has a co-worker named “Thurnbuckle?” Well, it’s not exactly “Glambaster,” but it’s a step in the right direction.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Cleveland Mocks
November 22nd, 2024 at 6:13 am Reply
FC: Jeez, they had to pick Nov. 22 to run that particular comic? Low blow.
RMMD: At this rate, the guy is gonna die of old age before Rex figures out what’s wrong with him.
CS: “This newspaper is rejoicing because a completely legitimate business is failing, and hundreds of employees are going to be without jobs just before the holidays. Ha haaa, it’s no wonder that so many people hate the liberal media.”
The Quiet Man
November 22nd, 2024 at 6:35 am Reply
@Cleveland Mocks:
CS: Yeah, I don’t think the ‘eeeeevilll’ hedge fund is actually going bankrupt. I think Beardy McBeardface is engaging in that time-honored tradition of yellow journalism: making shit up. (Remember the Maine, folks!)
This is a senile old man whose nursing home is inexplicably indulging his dream of being a hardboiled newspaper man (whose experience consisted of watching ‘His Girl Friday’ once). The real question is how did Beardy con the school into sending him a comely young blonde to his ‘newspaper’?
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. I speak Jive
November 17th, 2024 at 8:34 am Reply
Mary Worth – Wow. I thought it was creepy when the Van Hoesen twins watched their parents boink. This is both creepy and stupid.
Meow! Barf!
Rex Morgan – A medical issue! It’s hard to believe, I know. However, keep in mind that all through the appointment Rex will actually be thinking about the free meal he’ll get at the Truck-Wanda wedding reception.
Lockhorns – Hoest and Reiner get to write off a trip to Italy as “research.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Cleveland Mocks
November 19th, 2024 at 7:24 am Reply
CS: “Okay, girlie, rule number one: We do not run any comics by Batton Thomas. They suck.”
Thanks, Scratchy!
Thanks for the mention, Scratchy, and congrats to jroggs and the other amateur comedians! Y’all cracked me up this week, seriously.
Careful, Josh, or you’ll have an acute case of post-prandial upper abdominal distension, and the only cure is saving whales from extinction.
Congrats to jroggs and the floaters and thanks, Scratchy!
Thanks, Baja. Alice thanks you, too.
Thanks for the mention,Baja, and thanks for mentioning both of my Sex Organs, Scratchy!
Thanks Scratchy! ^^
Thanks to our host, Scratchy, and Baja. Good job to all those mentioned.
@josh — we have cramps?
Kirk : Out of the way…
Shore Patrolman : Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders…
Dr. Gillian Taylor : [Gillian moans in pain]
McCoy : My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!
[They enter the operating room]
Kirk : What did you say she has?
McCoy : Cramps.
Thanks, Scratchy.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: What a strange way to get a “Scratchy”. Thanks! I cherish it!
Thanks, Baja, for the Springboard Shadow COTW, and thanks to Hibbleton for the set-up. This was a re-creation of a real-life event when my visiting son asked where I kept the extra toilet paper. (storage room, not closet)
Congrats to all and thank you, Baja and Scratchy.
50 years ago today, the St. Pete Times reported on November 22, 1974 that inflation had driven up prices 10.6% since January and 12.2% since October 1973.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=feST4K8J0scC&dat=19741122&printsec=frontpage&hl=en
Blondie addressed the problem:
Blondie: Dagwood, may I have ten extra dollars for shopping?
Dagwood: Blondie, haven’t you heard of the shrinking dollar?
B: Shrinking?
B: The ones I had disappeared completely!
https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=feST4K8J0scC&dat=19741122&printsec=frontpage&hl=en
Thanks guys! Love you!
Congrats to all the COTWs, and thanks to Josh (and Baja and Scratchy) for the mentions. Funny stuff from a funny week!
Thanks, Baja!
Thanks, Scratchy!
Congratulations to jroggs and the other float folk, as well as the shadow-ies and scratchies, with thanks to Baja Gaijin and Scratchy Scrotum LXIX. Tips of the beret to knockinghats, Amelie Wikström, Schroduck, and nescio.
Thanks for the mentions, Baja and Scratchy!
Thank you, Scratchy! Thank you, Baja! Wow, three scrotes and a float ride. This calls for chocolate!
Also too as well, congratulations to jroggs and the other authors of the multitudinous funny thoughts presented to us today!
Wow, a quadruple this week! Thanks Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks for the recognition, Baja!
Thanks very much. Scratchy and Baja, and congrats to jroggs, etorre, and the rest of the gobblers here!
Thank you, El Scratchycito.
Congrats to jroggs and everyone on all the floats! Broon Croons to Tabby Lavalamp, Old Man Shadow, and I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV!
(And thanks to scratchy for the shoutouts; I’m genuinely taken aback that I got four!)
Thanks Baja!