Polysemy … Sarge’s greatest weakness
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Beetle Bailey, 1/16/25
I actually am curious about the chain of thought that determined which secondary Beetle Bailey character got the punchline said at him in this strip. Personally, I would’ve gone with Plato — the camp intellectual would’ve been wryly amused at Beetle’s use of linguistic ambiguity to shirk a few hours of duty. But Killer is staring at him blankly and clearly doesn’t get it at all. “How is this going to help get anybody laid?” he thinks. “We’re not keeping our eyes on the prize here.”
The Phantom, 1/16/25
Just think: a mere 17 years ago, the very notion of women joining the Jungle Patrol was a source of near universal derision. But today, the feminine beauty of the Jungle Patrolwomen is legendary, so much so that criminal perverts like this guy arrange to be brutalized by the Phantom just so he can experience a touch of their healing fingertips. This is a triumph of, uh, feminism? Probably?
Crock, 1/16/25
Not sure why this guy is so intimidated by a rifle-toting yahoo back home. My dude, you are in the Foreign Legion and are posted in the colonies! You have definitely done some war crimes, probably today.
74 replies to “Polysemy … Sarge’s greatest weakness”
Dennis the Menace: Wait, what?
MW-But that does not make up for the fact that Dirk is emotionally abusive.
FC-“With the day I’ve been having I’m ten fingers.”
FC-“With your mother I’m only one finger.”
Crock: Sheesh. Some guys can be so insecure about the types of men their girlfriends date.
DT: As Dick and Sam race to stop Germany from using ghost mind control to win World War Two in 2025 or whatever the plot is at this point, the governor of the proud state of Wiscohionois is arriving for the grand celebration of the clock tower’s light bulb replacement, where they will triumphantly relight the tower for all to see… at 9 AM in broad daylight when no one will be able to see it. Yes, Eric Costello made it explicit on Monday that it was still early in the morning. This guy cannot get anything right ever.
JP: I honestly have no idea what Randy thinks he’s fighting for at this point. Ann’s already in custody, and Sam probably isn’t even charging Alan for his legal services. Alan’s not really doing anything for Ann anymore. Also, Randy was more incensed than anyone at the idea that Ann could be a bad person immediately following Don’s death last year; he’s completely flipped on this issue for no explained reason. But whatever, I guess. All that matters is that the characters are arguing furiously with each other, it doesn’t matter why or what it contradicts. DRAMA!
GT: Why is Barajas still doing team intros when he’s disregarding the strip’s traditional graduation cycle in favor of a static cast? It’s been the same unlikable idiots every year in every sport, we don’t need to keep “meeting” them over and over.
Luann: “They’re running tests on my mom. Gonna be a few hours.”
“Oh good, so you can come back here and take care of your own family in the meantime, then?”
“No.”
“…Why?”
“Because.”
“Sounds reasonable to me! We all live merely to serve you, Piro!”
RMMD: The whole idea of dating again gives Summer a full body orgasm. Well, that’s a start.
MW – Dirkhead has yet to explain how being the child of successful pharmacists who fought a lot and got divorced caused him to become a Grade A asshole who thinks a minor change in one’s appearance is cause for a psychotic freakout and a whole lotta loutish name-calling. Oh, who’m I kidding. This strip never explains anything.
Phantom:
[THWACK]
“Ohhh! Aaah! Hooo!”
“How was that for a nice Hawaiian punch, you miscreant?”
This just in, per MSN: cartoonist Darrin Bell Arrested For C—d P—-n.
Yikes! I thought Candorville was his greatest crime agains humanity!
Phantom:
“She had selflessly left a kitchenware party to tend to my grievous wounds. ‘Just call me Angel of the Corning,’ she cooed.”
BB “…Celsius! I’m literally boiling to death.”
Ph “She immediately propped me against a wall and applied a cartoon head bandage. What? I said she was lovely, not competent”
Crock: “Well, she’s not really my girlfriend, she’s just a girl who thinks that I am the one. But the kid…”
B. Bailey: Overseas readers think they’ve gone a little too far with the fever joke. “98.6º is much too hot for a human to survive, Nigel.”
Beetle Bailey: How do we know that Sarge isn’t still standing on the other side of Beetle’s bed, listening as he admits to his scam? Perspective, people! It’s all about perspective!
Crock: Sorry, dude, but Billie Jean is not your lover (anymore). And the kid is definitely not your son.
Blondie: Dagwood is startled by someone else’s weird hairstyle? Next he’ll be complaining about their odd posture or bizarrely formal work outfits.
Phantom:
“While grateful for her intervention, I was ashamed to face her, all the same. It’s not every day that you get yourself whupped by a guy wearing a leotard, after all.”
Blondie: You’d think of all people, Dagwood would appreciate a food based haircut.
Tiger Spanish to English.
CROCK: So, it’s not the infidelity that disturbs him, but the fire power? Billie Jean could cuckold him with a guy with a squirt gun, no problem?
MW:Dirk is full of crap.I’ll bet his parents are a still-married couple whose biggest mistake was never telling him “no.” They’ve moved to another state to get away from the monster they created.
RMMD: “Say, Summer, I know this guy named Dirk. Only thing is, when you’re with him, DON’T TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF. It’ll freak him out.”
BB: Note that he doesn’t specify his units. Do you think Beetle’s really 98.6°C (just a smidge below the boiling point of water) or 98.6°K (-282°F, cold enough to liquify methane). Either way, he’s pretty chipper. Sure, he’d be in agony and on the brink of death, but on the other hand, he got out of a day’s work!
Crock: Wait, his girl is dating someone else, and they’re open and communicative about their extended love lives, and express tender concern about each other’s safety? Is the first positive depiction of polyamory in the funny pages in Crock?!?
FC: “15 plus 2;” says the man when he realizes Jeffy means in groups of three fingers.
“Yes;” says Bil to the man, “but we don’t say ‘idiot’ savant anymore.”
MW: Dawn, I know you’re as stupid as the narrative wants you to be, but even you can’t be stupid enough to be satisfied with “my parents fought, therefore changes are scary and I have to verbally abuse you for wearing glasses.” Please I beg you.
MW: I remain amazed at how Moy can thread the needle of “lowest-stakes, high-stakes storyline” EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. All the while constantly demeaning anyone who actually has lived through this type of abuse…
It’s at least still hard to tell if we’re getting an immediate redemption arc or if we are going to get worse…I have to admit it would be a little MW-ish if we had Dirk immediately redeemed and reformed by the love of a good woman and Wilbur coming back from vacation and seeing it and “making changes” too…
Crock 1: “My God, it’s worse than I thought! He’s got a built-in coat rack!”
Crock 2: A little empathy is in order here! I too am intimidated by people used for storage.
The Phantom: I’ve heard of angels with dirty faces before, but I must admit “angels with contempt written all over their face” is a new one. Tread lightly, thug!
I really didn’t think any Mary Worth character could be dumber than Estelle, who among other things fell for Arther’s obvious scam, dated Wilbur, took Wilbur back, went on a date with an actual hobo…but Dawn is really giving Estelle a run for her money in the brainless idiot department.
Beaten Daily:
Cockroach needs the Catch-22 treatment. Put him in hospital with the Texan and the Soldier In White.
@LTJpezcore1: Unless the mention of Jared back at the beginning truly was a red herring, it’s gonna get worse because we still haven’t seen how he gets tied into all this. My money is on the prediction one of us made a few days ago that Dirk here is the one who put Jared’s current girlfriend (who Jared basically implanted on while she was under his care, let us remember) in the hosptial in the first place.
Then the question becomes, will that be Dirk’s downfall, or will everyone praise him? ‘Gee Dirk, if it hadn’t been for you, Jared and I never would have met and been so gloriously happy! May the Force be with you!’
Luann: Uh, Bernice? You aren’t taking care of him. You’re asking a question that every person always asks in this situation and I’d bet my next paycheck you’re grateful the answer was ‘no’ so you can continue to let Luann do all the ‘work’ while you live in her house rent-free.
RMMD: Lady, I have never been in the dating pool to begin with, and at times it’s been sad and painfully lonely. You know what it hasn’t been though? Boring! I’ve had work, hobbies, travel, (belatedly) education! I haven’t sat on my ass binging ice cream and watching mindless Netflix shows! Have you ever sat down and watched anything that’s been put out by Criterion? I bet you haven’t even MST3K’d half of the crappy stuff you’ve watched while pounding that Walmart-brand vanilla ice cream!
Again, sorry, I recognize the MW storyline is Chernobyl-level toxic, but the RMMD storyline is hitting on a far more personal level.
DT: Ah….the plot strings are beginning to Totten.
(That pun was just lying there for months. Now that the Governor’s here, it was time to dust it off)
Why do people stick the thermometer in the mouth, when they are one distracted bite away from swallowing mercury and broken glass? Well, usually doctors would put the thermometer under the armpit. But soldiers would rub tobacco there in order to irritate the skin and increase local temperature to fake a fever and avoid being sent over the top. Military doctors knew how to spot fakers trying to shrink from duties! These days Sarge does not even bother to go beyond Beetle’s word, trusting him: “Whatever Beetle. We are never shipping you to war and even if we did, you’d just serve to spot landmines”
MW: Dirk’s non-divorced parents show up in the diner.
Mrs Tandy says “Oh hi, Dirk. What a surprise seeing you here. Whoa! Is this your girlfriend?”
Dirk’s dad addresses Dawn; “You’ve really out kicked your coverage on this guy, Sweety. Are you rich?”
“I’m worried, my girl is dating…” I am going to stop you here. You should already be worried that “your girl” is dating someone else and that the desert sun fried your brain so much you didn’t notice
BB – HA HA! Putin knows US troops are content to lay around wanking all day rather than train. Well, the laugh is on him – he has no idea the high level of cardio this provides, not to mention hand and arm strength. Add in video games and US troop drone capabilities are second to none….
Phantom – I hope a certain US DoD nuclear nominee is following….
(Appropriately named) Crock – Billie Jean is not my lover – the rack’s not for my gun….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
“I awoke in Heaven…” Wait, this was when you had just committed crimes, before your redemption. You mean that you can go to Heaven, whatever your deeds? “The Phantom” runs on Calvinism!
Don’t US army bases have medical staff that won’t charge a thousand dollar co-pay (sorry if I got this wrong, I’m Canadian) if Sarge asks one of them to check on Beetle? Not for Beetle’s sake, but I don’t think it would be smart to have someone who could be contagious to just stay in a shared barrack making everyone else sick. Not that we haven’t learned this decade that making other people sick is a small price to pay to avoid any inconvenience.
Chix (sic): Yesterday I commented that the strip was good. Today, balance is restored to the universe.
Is “rifle rack” a euphemism for penis? We must assume it is.
@Hibbleton: The Thursday Chix is really bad, second only to the Tuesday Chix. The best one is the Saturday Chix
I was thinking of some major moobs, but your analysis is also cogent.
Family Circlejerk – Poor Fred Rutherford was enjoying the hospitality of a co-worker from the salt mines when a melonhead came along and reminded him of his own idiot son, Clarence.
Beetle Bailey is a lot funnier if you assume it’s a 70+ year-long riff on America’s dangerous lack of military preparedness. It’s not, but it makes a lot more sense that way, particularly in a world deprived of meaning. I mean, not that either, but we’re all a bit oxygen-deprived these days.
@Ettorre: Your case is made stronger by the artist’s unwillingness/inability to draw the aforementioned “rifle rack.”
The Ghost Who is Cruel to be Kind — Old jungle saying
Once you take a beating, a hot blonde you’ll be meeting.
MW:
Standing next to each other on the chipped laminate table, the salt shaker and the napkin dispenser stared in disbelief at the drama unfolding before them. They watched the interplay of entwined fingers as the man poured out his pain to the woman sitting across from him. Her expression was sympathetic, her attention rapt.
“My God. She’s going to fall for it!” the shaker hissed. “I can’t watch this guy do his routine again. Not One. More. Time.”
“She’s eating it up.” The dispenser agreed, disgusted. “This guy is such a schmuck–and what a practiced liar! I happen to know for a FACT that his parents aren’t SUCCESSFUL pharmacists. They’re the unsuccessful team that keeps killing their patients at that veterinary clinic downtown. What’s it called–oh, yeah, ANIMAL HOSPITAL.”
“That can’t be! Those two just got married! I have a couple of shaker buddies who worked that gig, so I KNOW.”
“It’s the same couple, all right. The vet had an illigitimate kid way back. THIS guy. He just never mentioned it to his fiance. The father and son met up right at this very table just after the wedding. The vet wanted this guy to promise he wouldn’t spill the beans to his new wife. I guess the acorn doesn’t fall too far from the tree.”
The shaker took a moment to digest the comment. “Huh. ‘The acorn doesn’t fall too far from the tree.’ I never heard that phrase before. But it sounds about right. You sure learn a lot in in joint.”
“No kidding. I’ve heard it all, SEEN it all. The men cheating on their wives, the women passing secrets, the kids trying to figure out how to get out of a jam. I’ve seen fights, confessions, break-ups, you name it–and all of it just by sitting on this table. The worst ones are the drunks trying to sober up with coffee before they sneak back home in the middle of the night. They puke all over the table and the waitresses use up all my napkins cleaning up the mess. Talk about gross! But, yeah, you learn at lot in a diner. You can forget The Bum Boat. THIS place is the crossroads of all the relationships in Santa Royale, believe you me. And I’ll tell you what, some nights, it’s like working in a cess pool. Uh-oh.”
The dispenser imperceptibly motioned toward the hands, and the shaker turned, glacially, to watch. The two hands had unlocked from their clasp and were now caressing each other, gently at first, but with growing urgency. The woman was beginning to cry.
“Hoo boy. Here it comes!” the dispenser warned, steeling himself, and gasping as the napkins were snatched by the woman’s free hand, one-two-three, and immediately raised to daub at her streaming eyes. The man clasped her other hand between his own, and squeezed reassuringly.
“He hooked her, didn’t he? She bought all that BS and he hooked her.” The shaker was almost morbidly fascinated by the play before him. It was like watching a kid having a tantrum in one of the diner high chairs, being given a plate piled high with spaghetti and meatballs. He wanted to look away from what he knew was coming, but he couldn’t.
“Oh, Dirk,” the woman was saying. “I understand, NOW. I want you to know. I. UNDERSTAND. And you know what?” she added, her voice shaking between a sob and a chuckle. “You can call me Nerdgirl, or Stevie Wonder, or anything you want. You can call me ANYTHING you want. Just as long as you CALL me.”
The shaker heaved in disgust, falling over as salt spilled freely over the laminate surface.
“I SHOULD call you CLUMSY, Nerdgirl!” the man said, chuckling as he picked up the shaker and playfully flung a spray of crystals at the woman’s face. He smirked as she blindly grabbed for more napkins, and quickly moved the dispenser just out of her reach. Her eyes were squeezed shut in excruciating pain as fresh tears squirted. “Or maybe I should call you CRYBABY! Don’t you know that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do when you spill salt? It’s GOOD LUCK!”
MW: We now return to Non Sequitur Theatre, where Dawn thinks Dirk is an abusive dick because . . . he was caught off-guard??
CS: The doctor strains to suppress a giggle. “It worked!” he thinks to himself.
JP: “Ahh, how to put this delicately? Randy, it wasn’t me and Mom she was avoiding, if you get my drift.”
RMMD: “Well if you’re bored out of your mind, you need to quit this job and cease all association with Rex Morgan, M.D.”
@The Quiet Man: #24 I get a lot of what you’re saying but we also have to tie in the Mary taking over the advice column storyline as well. It’s why I’m banking on immediate redemption arc…
Wary Morth:
I’m beginning to root for Dirk. Take everything Dusk has and get her pregnant before disappearing!
@Ukranazi Stepan: What does she have except for her father’s collection of empty mayo jars?
@Where’s Rocky?: As Dick Tracy would say, Ye Gods!
Beetle Bailey – But Killer is staring at him blankly and clearly doesn’t get it at all. “How is this going to help get anybody laid?” he thinks. “We’re not keeping our eyes on the prize here.”
Killer also suffers from not being able to full see what Beetle is doing. Both Killer and Beetle’s man goals in life involve going to bed, the difference is the asexual Beetle means to do it quite literally for the purpose of sleep and being lazy.
The Phantom – I am up for a Mary Worth / Phantom crossover where Wilbur is on the receiving end of a punch, then feels closest to a woman ever when she touches him with protective gloves.
Crock – Is Billie Jean as his “girl” his daughter? I originally thought he met girlfriend, and maybe it’s an agreement they have while he is deployed in Algeria.
Either way the guy she’s dating is the sort to drink Black Rifle Coffee, base his personality around the biggest douchebag in the manosphere. and try to bully and intimidate the weak while being scared shitless to actually enlist.
GT- Uh, coach Martinez: You don’t win a state championship based on only 1 wrestler
“‘For the Wambesi,’ the guy said, just before he punched me. Weird thing is he was a white guy. Kind of paternalistic, even colonialist, if you think about it, like the Wambesi people need this white guy to fight their fights. When I came to, there was a blond white woman from the Jungle Patrol taking care of me. Also pretty strange, I mean, ‘Jungle’ patrol, as if the only terrain in the country was jungle. Well, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m going back to Georgetown to finish my master’s degree in international relations.”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: @But What Do I Know?: Scientific debate is good
@Ettorre: Enjoy it while you can.
The Phantom – OK, so… seventeen years? Are you sure? Because I was posting on here during the “Who’s tougher than lady cops and waitresses? Not pirates!” era. OK, OK – the math adds up. It’s unfortunate that the past few years have been so mirthless, we can’t even come up with a good catch phrase to put on a t-shirt.
@Where’s Rocky?: One interesting aspect to the charges against Darrin Bell is that the sheriff’s press release seems to say that at least some of the images were AI-generated. I guess it all depends on how the law is written, but that would have to raise some issues, I would think.
@Tabby Lavalamp: The Army probably calls it something else, but in the Marines if you get sick (or claim to be) you’ll be ordered to walk to the Battalion Aid Station to be checked out by a corpsman, both for ensuring a diagnosis and treatment if necessary as well as potentially being caught for malingering.
Bottom line, it’s yet another “military joke” in Beetle Bailey where the only appropriate response is a blank face and a “This wouldn’t actually happen.”
Luann: I know she’s young, but Bernice the psych student and counselor in training doesn’t recognize how Piro is manipulating her.
9CL: I would have expected these two to have a long history of switching places to share unwitting boyfriends (and any boyfriend these two have had would presumably have been unwitting).
@jroggs: They both call it malingering, and it’s an offense under the Military Code of Justice.
@Voshkod: I think malingering needs to be worked into everyone’s daily vocabulary…what a GREAT word!
@LTJpezcore1: You malicious malingering malcontent!
Fifty years ago today, American mail carriers threatened a strike and Frank and Ernest tried to cross a picket line. (Later in 1975, there was a long postal strike in Canada.)
The IRA planned to end a cease-fire and a diplomatic initiative failed in the Dropouts strip.
Hi Flagston’s father lived with Hi’s family while Jack Anderson reported on criticisms of nursing homes.
I assume today’s Crock was originally a Michael Jackson joke that was rewritten as a result of the allegations and his death, and the documentaries about the allegations and his death. In true Crock fashion, they were still too lazy to just change or remove the name.
@Voshkod: Should have been more clear, I was referring to the BAS. But upon two seconds of Googling, it looks like it’s a rare shared term.
@jroggs: Nah, I got what you were saying. I just like pointing out how often characters in Beetle Bailey violate the UCMJ. They put the light-weight criminal shenanigans of Dick Tracy to shame.
@LTJpezcore1: All I know is, being a Dawn arc, she’ll move on to another guy in her next story, and another, and another… she’s doomed to be single (and for good reason)
@Rosstifer: Okay, who’s going to come up with the Darrin Bell/Michael Jackson/“Boy’s underpants— half off” joke?
“I’m worried … My girl Billie Jean … wait a minute. Weren’t we in outpost 6 yesterday? And outpost 7 the day before? Now I’m really worried.”
All I got today is “the guys in outpost 5 get mail?”
@Voshkod: Channeling Doctor Smith? Where’s a robot when you need one?
If “your girl” is dating someone else and you’re not concerned about that, but you are concerned that her boyfriend is heavily armed, then I don’t think she’s “your girl” so much as a girl who probably has a 1000 yard restraining order against you, mate.
@Ukulele Ike: Okay, who’s going to come up with the Darrin Bell/Michael Jackson/“Boy’s underpants— half off” joke?
I already have. A few years ago a ditzy co-worker (we’ll call her Kris) invited Madame Ovary and me to a dinner at a restaurant with a lot of her friends, about a dozen total. Kris, though ditzy, is a real nice person.
I told the underpants half off joke and did not get a good reaction from those within earshot. I’ve gotten the same reaction in the past, not that that has kept me from repeating the joke.
The next day at work I told Kris that we had had a great time but that I shouldn’t have told that joke. Kris, being the nice person she is and not wanting me to feel bad, said, “No, don’t feel bad. The only reason that joke didn’t go over is that Howard [the person sitting across from me in the restaurant] was molested by a priest when he was an altar boy.”
Of course, now I felt really terrible about having told it, but Kris’s attitude was, “It wasn’t your fault. If Howard hadn’t been molested when he was a boy, he would have thought the joke was really funny.”
Kris is a really nice person and I have missed her since she left our office.
Meanwhile, I won’t tell the joke here. I’m a slow learner, but I eventually catch on.
@Old Man Shadow: If “your girl” is dating someone else and you’re not concerned about that, but you are concerned that her boyfriend is heavily armed, then I don’t think she’s “your girl” so much as a girl who probably has a 1000 yard restraining order against you, mate.
This could be good foreshadowing for Jared Not the Subway Perv to return and make a move on Dawn.
FC – 1960s Sitcom Boss shows the little moron one particular finger.
Mary Worth – “You’re welcome, Nerdgirl. I’m surprised you could see my hands on the table – must be all that Braille you read.”
Rex Morgan – A week of talking about how bored she is. This is the most Rex Morgan Rex Morgan strip ever.
S4th – Oh, no! We just went through this with Mary Worth. Somehow I doubt that the Forths’ invitees will band together and send them food.
GA:. Cost of attorney will of course be double the cost of the fine. But in representing Walt and his righteous cause, Ms. Pettifogger will charge him only triple the fine.
JUMP START:. Nothing motivates like a Buttinski.
SF:. Remember those “chicken pox” parties? They’ll hold one for avian flu! (That’s the one that crossed into humans, right?)
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: I hope Eddie Haskell shows up! “That’s a lovely sweater you’re wearing, Mrs. Keane.”
Baby Blues: At what age is it no longer acceptable to be casually naked in front of your sister and mother and actually a warning sign that you may be a future sex offender?
Mother Goose: Not sure I get the joke here. Is he worried this is a place for involuntary gender reassignment? What other way is he thinking he is going to have an alteration?
Family Circus: I think Jeffy gets unfairly labeled as being dumb. He’s actually perfectly intelligent for a 3 year old, maybe even advanced cognitively.
Dustin: He already knows his personal health is a lost cause. He doesn’t need advanced technology to remind him that he sucks.
Curtis: I thought for a minute that Curtis was giving his little brother a book about the animalistic sexual mentality of people but it turns out it is literally just a book about animal psychology?
Just wanted to say that today’s six chix came up right after Mary Worth and the juxtaposition couldn’t be more perfect.
The Discreet Charm of Don Abundio:
“Juan S. Perfil says he’s fed up with these fancy parties”
“Why is that?”
“He says people just mill around like stupid cattle!”
“He’s supposed to be here tonight”
“I hope he doesn’t insult my guests with any of that talk!”