Soapy Monday
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Judge Parker, 1/13/25
A comics tic meant to telegraph character emotional state that I always find a little odd is when they rub the back of their neck in embarrassment, as Sam is doing in panel two here. I get that they have to do these somewhat exaggerated act-outs to convey what’s happening, but I’m a little puzzled as to what he’s embarrassed about, exactly. “Sorry I just assume you don’t follow my advice or the law”? “Sorry I’m about to accuse your family members of complicity in various crimes”? “Sorry I forgot to tell you that the police have established a 24/7 perimeter around the town because they’re obsessed with capturing your daughter specifically, or maybe because we just live in a panopticon dictatorship now, but either way you should be a lot more subtle with your criming”?
Mary Worth, 1/13/25
“Once, a long time ago, I saw my parents. But then they put a blanket between me and them, which caused them to vanish from the universe. But then the blanket moved, and I could see them again, which meant they existed again. It was very scary and terrifying to me! How could they just blink in and out of existence like that? Am I supposed to believe that they’re sometimes still there, even when I’m not looking at them? That’s insane! If something exists, I should be able to see it! It makes me furious! So you see why I was so mad when your glasses just came out of nowhere and appeared on your face? It made no sense to me, to the protagonist of reality!”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/25
“I just kind of assumed I hated my daughter! But she finally left and now I feel terrible! Is it possible that I … like her, somehow?”
81 replies to “Soapy Monday”
JP:
“What’s going on here, Sam?”
“Oh, you know, the usual. A lead-up to strained, angry interpersonal relationships, with a dollop of gratuitous violence eventually thrown in.”
JP. Why is Sam embarrassed? Duh. He’s reciting dialogue in “Judge Parker.” Frankly, I’m surprised every character doesn’t need regular physical therapy from holding their neck like that 24/7.
MW:
Ah. I’ve got it. Every time someone changes their appearance in some way, you have carte blanche to insult them derisively about the change, because no one should ever change their appearance.
RMMD: I can see how Summer earned the “what the hell?” look she is getting in panel two, but she earned it a lot less than every single other character in today’s post.
JP:
“Something going on in the back of your head, Sam?”
“Oh, we replaced a leaky window in the house today, and the guys who brought it in accidentally bopped me with it.”
“No. Don’t say it, Sam.”
“Yep. A real pane in the neck!”
JP: By “let me cover all the angles”, Sam’s really saying “Alan, because I know you routinely act like a four-year-old who’s been told not to touch the cookies…”
MW: Dirk frames himself as the victim.”Don Rickels made a fortune insulting people but when I do it you’re pissed. Sheesh!“
MW: “When Dawn gets upset after Dirk continues to call her Nerdgirl…” Pretty sure we moved past Nerdgirl into Stevie Wonder, Duckgirl, and various verbal abuse last week. Did the narrator forgo their glasses too?
JP: “What’s going on here, Sam? Even though we’re both judges, we really don’t understand the law.”
Perspective, kids! If you screw it up, Kelly’s mom looks like a tiny little homunculus (does that have a feminine? homuncula?) gesticulating sadly at her normal-sized coworker. The coworker looks a bit flummoxed. Is Ma speaking in a tiny little squeaky voice? Is she standing on tiptoe? Is she visibly shrinking? All sorts of silly questions that wouldn’t arise if SOMEONE could draw…
JP: No one knows what’s going on here, Randy. Absolutely no one.
MW: Uh oh, looks like all you Dirk haters are about to look very silly, because now it’s time for him to reveal his Tragic Backstory® that completely explains and accounts his terrible behavior! Bet you feel awful now, huh? …No? Being completely aware of your own perceived trauma and weaponizing it to harm others in turn isn’t a good thing? How can this be?!
DT: Someone else pointed it out the other day, but “Agent Boche” is a reference to yet another severely lame throwback character called Pruneface that Dick butted heads with in the early 1940s. Specifically the early 1940s, as Pruneface was a Nazi saboteur during the Second World War, so this isn’t some slippery Comic Time villain that can be referenced casually in the context of a cop who is also running around after criminals in present day more than eighty years later. Yes, Dick Tracy has always done this nonsense in varying degrees and I may be the only person on the planet who’s annoyed by it, but… linear time, man. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Why do we have to be so rough with it all the time?
CS: Sheesh, Pam, this really isn’t anything to get worked up about. Just push him down the stairs again.
GT: “I’m Kori Rumore, talking here with Coach Thorp who has changed ethnicities yet again. Hanashi to ni arigatou gozaimasu, Giru-san.”
Luann: Oh, come on, Bernice, you’re logically minded enough to help Piro solve this problem. All right, you have five children, an overdosing mother, a child molester named Alan, and a car that can only fit three other people at a time…
JP: I think Sam is actually preparing to rip off hs “human” mask to reveal the hideous alien hell-beast beneath. Nah…that would be too interesting.
“This is boring. You’re boring, White lady who apparently works here.”
GT: Keri’s hands are drenched in what Gil thinks is sweat. Yeah, sure, Daddy.
@ValdVin: (Uff. That’s Saturday. I’m making even less sense than usual.)
Why is Media Day about five weeks before the end of the basketball season? This is doing nothing to quell the rumors that Milford exists in a strange, Earth-like environment created in the Enterprise’s holodeck.
JP: When threatened, the Parker male will adopt an aggression stance known as the ‘teapot’.
MW: “There was once a man by the name of Clark Kent, or at least that’s what he would have had us believe…”
RMMD “She’s about this far away, I think. How many miles is this? I’m real bad with distances.. “
Yesterday, Dirk went red in the face and did a complete power trip. Today, he’s all backstory time. Moy’s ahort term memory is getting worse.
RMMD: “Have you tried pickleball?”
MW: Give me a break. Yesterday, Dirk is literally back-lit by Hellfire, and now we’re going to hear some sob story about him being traumatized by an optician at a tender age?
Judge Parker: Sorry, I actually sometimes put my hand on the back of my neck while having a difficult conversation.
[Drops hand quickly]
MW – So, now we’re headed into One-Armed Jim territory again. One-Armed Jim had anger issues that raised more red flags than a Chinese May Day parade, but the tragic backstory of his dead sister was supposed to make us feel sorry for him. And then, we found out he wanted to date Dawn because she looked just like his dead sister. Ick Factor = off the charts.
Moy will screw this one up too, is what I’m sayin’.
MW: Hey, maybe Dirk is the one who going to get Meddled this time…
@jroggs:
On DT: Or at least, they’ve done it ever since Chester Gould died (and he had admittedly let the strip get very lame by the time he finally retired in the late 1970s), Max Allan Collins (who actually breathed new life into the strip by knowing how to write an exciting, engaging crime story) left and the syndicate decided to just let it turn into fanservice central instead of actually coming up with *new* ideas and characters, keeping up with the advancing state of forensics and criminology or even (GASP!) wrestling with the perception of police by the masses in this day and age. But nahh, who wants to see interesting stuff like that? Here’s B.O. Plenty in the 1966 Batmobile!
Sorry, but I feel about Dick Tracy the way some around here feel about Mark Trail.
@Hibbleton: Ah, but you see, my fine nurse: I am pickleball.
MW: “Let me tell you a story. I was given the lead in our sixth-grade play because I’m so dreamy handsome. But I guess I wasn’t a very good actor. In fact, I was embarrassingly bad. So came the big night, I saw my parents in the audience. They were both wearing those fake-nose-and-mustache glasses. I was humiliated. Ever sine then, I . . . SOB.”
JP: “Alan, are you lying to me rightl now.?” “Yes. Yes I am.”
CS: “Well fuck you then, Matlock.”
GT: Photographers jockey to grab a shot of the world’s largest number on a basketball jersey.”
MW: …And so continues the lamest and stupidest and lowest-stakes insulting and gaslighting ever to grace the comics pages, so much so to be insulting to victims of abuse everywhere. This is going great.
It also appears that in panel 2 Dirk has been replaced by Tiny-Facial-Features Dirk…LET’S SEE IF DAWN NOTICES
Mary Worth: After ten minutes without blinking, Dirk will drop the DARVO techniques and start explaining to Dawn that there’s a difference between something that is small and close-by, and something that is large but far away. He will be unsuccessful.
Dirk’s glasses trauma comes from being forced to watch old clips of Buddy Holly and Lester Maddox.
I can just see Mary attempting to meddle Dirk.
“Have a muffin, Dirk. Everyone loves them.”
Thanks, “MUFFINHEAD!”
“Now, that’s not very nice, Dirk.”
Is that so, “POLITENESSPRUDE?”
“My goodness, Dirk. I’m so angry, I’m literally shaking!”
Say that again, “MICHAELJFOX!”
“Don’t be so sensitive.” Check.
“It’s your fault.” Check.
“I had to do it.” Check.
Dawn still sitting there with a drink still in the cup instead of it being dumped all over this asshole. Sigh. Check.
RMMD: Great job with the set-up, Mr. B! Summer’s problem is an empty HOUSE, not an empty life! She doesn’t need a boyfriend – she needs an loyal live-in companion! That house won’t seem so empty with the pitter patter of little feet from her new Pet! Of course we gotta have the expected drama on how she acquires the new love of her life – that’ll take some time to unfold. I’ll send over some suggestions by courier. Blocking my phone number was a little extreme, doncha think?
MW: Aldo missed a trick by not sitting down with Mary in a crappy diner and explaining his tragic backstory. All he had to was briefly interrupt his stalking with a tale about how his trauma means he has to stalk, and he’d never have been forced to drunk-drive off a cliff.
JP: “What makes you think I pay attention to the other people in this family, Sam? You think I care about you losers?”
MW: I’m actually impressed that Moy is working in the “deflecting blame onto the victim while rationalizing one’s actions” aspect of abusive relationships. This feeling will probably last as long as it takes for Dirk to relate his tragic backstory, which will either be unbelievably stupid and/or so obviously a lie that only a complete doorknob like Dawn would buy it. But for today, no notes.
RMMD: Summer, you’ve been using your “newfound freedom” to binge on ice cream and Netflix. Maybe, I don’t know, take a solo trip to Cancun or visit a swinger’s club or hell, even take a pottery class before deciding empty nesting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?
FC:
Jeffy asks for the group; “Mommy, can we watch the oven self clean, please?”
“Sure, when you also can self clean. You filthy munchkins.”
Jeffy cries; “Argh! Hoist by my own petard!”
C’shaft: “Well excuse me, I thought for a moment this was some new aspect of your humiliation play with Mary Sunshine.”
GT: There you have it, folks, Gil just admitted that he’s utterly useless at his job.
Luann: And Luann shouts for her mom, Nancy shouts for Toni, Toni shouts for TJ….
Phantom: “A black hat of uncommon wrongdoing” sounds like a cut line from the Dover Boys short.
MW – Wait, Dirk wants to tell a story about how he became a name-calling dick? Let me grab some popcorn. This should be good.
JP: [Attenborough Voice] “Sam now confronts Alan. The startled Judge responds instinctively, mirroring the posture of the aggressive younger male. With his dominance reinforced, the storyline can now return to it’s previously peaceful boring state.”
RMMD: Summer learns that using Kelly to fulfill her emotional needs that should have been met by an adult partner leads to a deep sense of loss once she leaves home, much like a divorce. The story now veers to GP Rex acting as her psychiatrist in between surgeries.
Dustin What, members of this family are backtracking on being assholes to each other? How offbrand.
MW – Dirk is going all Dhar Mann on us… “So you see, I was once a nerdgirl, too.”
Slylock Fox-“And yet here we are, Slylock, walking talking animals who wear clothes,” Shady retorts.
MW-“Growing up was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child.”
MW-“Have you ever heard of a man named Wilbur Weston?”
FC-“Is it true that there was a fifth one of us that you accidentally cooked instead of a turkey?”
MW: just how much does Dawn have invested in her relationship with pretty boy piece of shit asshole Dirk? They met a couple of weeks ago. She has no reason to believe he’s actually a good person.
MW:
Just after 6 a.m., June shuffled into the kitchen and made straight for the coffee. She noted that Karen still sat on the sofa where June had left her in the wee hours of the morning, after their mutual meltdown. Now, June saw that Karen was avoiding her inquisitive gaze, so she perched on the kitchen stool and took several sips from her steaming mug, and waited. The two sat in strained silence, until Karen finally said what both were thinking.
“I screwed up, June. I’m sorry.” Her face bore the evidence of a crying jag, and her shaking voice threatened a fresh meltdown.
“Let’s get past that, Karen. We have to focus on where we go from here.”
“I know. I just—I thought Dirk would bring something fresh to the strip….” Karen’s voice faded as she looked up at the ceiling.
“You’re kidding me, right? You keep writing your own relationships, Karen. You do know that, right? Wilbur is your dad, Ian is that high school teacher who—well. Dirk is your on again-off again boyfriend. So is Jared. So is Zak, and so is that waiter you keep insisting I draw into the background of purple people in every restaurant scene. Dr. Jeff. Even Carlos Alora. They are all different aspects of the failed guys you keep hanging out with. It’s not FRESH, Karen. Frankly, it’s becoming trite, the way you keep introducing your pathetic men as emblematic of what all men are like, instead of calling them out as the jerks they are, or better still, developing male characters who are healthy and well adjusted. Why can’t you do THAT? Because, believe me, Karen, THAT would be “fresh” and the total re-set our readers are craving.”
“What, are you studying ME now? Who made YOU an expert, huh?” Karen stood up, flashing anger. “You’re SUPPOSED to be the artist. Maybe stick to drawing!”
June eyed Karen, noting the extreme agitation but waiting for the storm to pass. When Karen finally sat on the couch again, June put her mug down deliberately. “Yes, I’m the artist. It’s my hobby, Karen, and I enjoy it, for the most part. But you and I both know that my reason for working on the strip, for being your roommate, for talking to you right now, is that I’m your psychiatrist and you are a patient under my care. Believe me, if I thought that there was any other way to get at the root of your issues—I’ve tried to support you as you’ve explored your issues through writing this strip, Karen. I’ve even let you write me into the story, as Mary Worth herself. But I can’t help you if you won’t move forward. You’re frozen in your unhealthy relationships, Karen. You need to understand that. “
The distraught woman looked confused as she stared back, wildly, at June. “Wait—you’re DOCTOR June…??!”
“Yes, Karen. Dr. June.” She smiled reassuringly, and moved to a seat next to the sofa. “Now, let’s start where we left off in our last session.” She picked up her notebook and pen. “The last thing you said to me was, ‘Let me tell you a story….’ Why don’t you begin, so we can get this down in time for today’s publication deadline?”
FC: Sure, kids, as soon as I figure out how to run the cleaning cycle with the oven door unlocked. You can take a close look…
RMMD — Worst middle-aged switching-teams lesbian pickup attempt ever. . .
JP: Sam is just indicating that he thinks Alan is being a pain in the neck.
MW: Dawn is going to hear this dumb story, realize she has a soulmate, and we’re going to have another wedding catered by Mary, during which Dirk will insult Mary’s cooking and then “mysteriously” drown in the Charterstone pool.
RMMD: Hopefully, Kelly won’t return for the holidays wearing glasses. From what I hear, that’s a shooting offense.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Abundio, can you give me some temporary work while I’m between acting gigs?
“Certainly, Juan!”
“You just have to pass the aptitude test. Come with me”
“While you’re in there, see if you can round up any of the previous applicants”
JP – Since we’re doing comic strip tropes, I imagine Ann tiptoeing into town with her shoes in her hand, a drunken grin on her face, while just out of the range of her vision, her wife is standing in her bathrobe with her arms crossed, scowling angrily and holding a rolling pin.
“Let me tell you a story . . . ‘in a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit’ . . . .” [Twenty-seven hours later] “‘He drew a deep breath. “Well, I’m back,” he said.’ What? I thought a nerd-girl like you would appreciate a classic.”
Luann: Well, if the TruFans haven’t already done it, I’m going to postulate that Alan will be Luann’s new boyfriend.
CS: Geez, Pam, why do you always ask stupid questions? It’s almost like the writer has actual contempt for you as a character.
9CL: Is Brooke’s plan to ruin all-time classic Peanuts by associating it with his strip?
FC: Earlier when Dolly asked Bil the same question about watching paint dry, he just yelled at them to go talk to their mother.
Dustin: They realized they almost made a mistake by not waiting to laugh until after Ed failed spectacularly to fix the toaster. Fortunately, they recovered by playing to his unjustifiably inflated ego.
@Voshkod: Speaking of being back, good to see you.
Judge Parker – Those aren’t law books in the second panel. Those are just the files of the many legal issues of the Parker-Spencer family.
Mary Worth – Dirk suffered from being teased by his peers for not knowing Clark Kent and Superman were the same person until well into his teenage years.
Rex Morgan, MD – The solution to this conundrum will somehow be roots country music
JP: For a comic strip involving a lawyer, a judge, and a former judge, none of them seem to understand the law that much. Not even that they’re breaking it, they simply don’t know! Maybe they should crack open one of those seemingly decorative books behind Sam, and see what it has to say!
GT: “I need this job….otherwise I’d have to be at home, and it really sucks there lately. Girl friend let Marty Moon get drunk, and she looks completely different and not close to hot, daughter won’t eat and has white stuff oozing from her hands, like white paint you know, my son keeps growing up and then reverting to middle school size, my mother in law is dead upstairs, darn I’m moving in to the coaches office.”
MW: “You looked different from when we previously met! Let me tell you a story about how I can relate: when I get sad my face turns anime. Everyone calls me Narutoboy!”
@jroggs: DT: Someone else pointed it out the other day, but “Agent Boche” is a reference to yet another severely lame throwback character called Pruneface that Dick butted heads with in the early 1940s. Specifically the early 1940s, as Pruneface was a Nazi saboteur during the Second World War
I had a paperback collection of that storyline in the 70s and neither it nor Pruneface was at all lame but, yeah, he was–and is—very much a product of his time.
@Dan: JP: For a comic strip involving a lawyer, a judge, and a former judge, none of them seem to understand the law that much. Not even that they’re breaking it, they simply don’t know! Maybe they should crack open one of those seemingly decorative books behind Sam, and see what it has to say!
Given his “work” on Sally Forth and Medium Large, one would think the hack who pukes out these storylines is sufficiently versed in pop culture to at least watch (and steal broad legal concepts from) a few “Law and Order” reruns now and then…. but I guess that would require him to pull his well worn “Star Wars Holiday Special” VHS tape out the machine and risk it breaking at the “Leslie Uggams-Wookee masturbation” sequence.
9CL: Might as well go for it, Al. Brooke made them twins so they could be fucked interchangeably.
Mary Worth: Since Dirk’s story is obviously meant to elicit sympathy, I of course hope it does the opposite, and shows him to be an even bigger asshole: “So, there was this chick, and I called her ‘Nerdgirl,” over and over til she was always crying, even during sex. See? It works well for me. So what do you say? Wanna go back to Chez Dirk and bone?”
@Her Father, John Darling:
when the face is a prune, the action goes Boom!
The law profession is much more animalistic than rational. For example, here Sam puts his hands on his hips to make the gesture of “look at my penis” to intimidate Alan, but Alan counter it by putting his hands on his hips and making the gesture “No, YOU look at my penis”. This is enough to silently humiliate Sam, who withdraws his hands from the penis area and massages the back of his neck in a submission mode.
Rex Morgan: ‘Sha na na na, sha na nanana (get a dog)….repeat…..’ GET A DAM DOG. Though I suppose instead she’s going to try online dating and get involved with a lunatic.
Newspaper comics are notoriously late to trends, so while right now big corporations are moving away from DEI and “wokeness”, “Mary Worth” is still making the point “if someone tells you you are being too sensitive, he’s a manipulative asshole”. Good!
“… and that, Dawn, it’s all the story!”
“Ok, but what’s the moral? What are you trying to explain to me?”
“Nothing. As Homer Simpson would say, I like stories”
Luann-“Luann! We’ve got some kids to sell!”
Judge Parker: This is when they start square-dancing, right?
@Ettorre: Randy’s one hand on his hip suggest he has only half a penis, then? That sounds about right.
@jroggs: I thought that Pruneface was the most iconic Dick Tracy villain.
I mean, if you ask someone to name a Dick Tracy villain on the fly, Pruneface is probably the one they’ll most likely bring up.
RMMD: Kelly’s elven coworker stares wistfully into the middle distance, letting Kelly’s inane crisis wash over her like the waves of the great sea Belegaer. Who could have known that the Undying Lands would be so… petty?
MW: I was trying to think of something witty to say, but Josh proved again he is the master.
JP – Let me cover all the angles – are you obtuse…my need is acute…you’re sweating like a pig – it must be 90 degrees in here….
MW – What a classy guy. The V-neck tee is a real insight into his sensitive side….
RMMD – What Choo Talkin’ ‘bout, Willis….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@John Plugger Mellencamp:
I do believe it was Dihann Carrol. Please kill me for knowing this
JP: What does it mean when someone rubs the back of their neck?
Rubbing the back of the neck can be a gesture that indicates a variety of emotions or reactions, often depending on the context. Common meanings include:
Stress or anxiety: It can be a self-soothing behavior when someone is feeling nervous, uncomfortable, or stressed.
Uncertainty or hesitation: People might rub their neck when they’re unsure or trying to think through something, signaling doubt or hesitation.
Tension or discomfort: Physical tension in the neck area can lead to someone rubbing the back of their neck, especially if they’re experiencing physical discomfort or stiffness.
Relaxation: In some cases, it can be a simple action to relieve tight muscles or to physically relax.
Embarrassment or awkwardness: It may signal that the person feels embarrassed or is in an awkward situation.
Context and accompanying body language are important to interpret the gesture accurately.
Zits Spanish to English.
@John Plugger Mellencamp: The sad thing is… recently, they’ve been trying to gradually bring The Star Wars Holiday Special into canon.
As in the recent Star Wars show “Skeleton Crew” some kids are watching that same cartoon that Chewbacca’s son was watching in the special.
Also, the videogame “Star Wars Hunters” had a “Life Day” event during the winter season.
MW: my prediction is that Dawn’s personality will change under the Dirk’s constant verbal abuse
Mary will notice and intervene. Dawn is not bright enough to leave Dirk without that intervention. It’s unlikely Dawn is being drawn into a Manson-like but that would be interesting.
@Charterstoned: He does not want to interrupt this one-on-one fight, but he is conveying the message “I’m ready to draw my penis if needed”, as if resting his hand on the pommel of a sword
CS: Oh no! First a bus driver shortage nobody could solve, and now this! Will Lena find someone to get all the kids to school while Crankshaft’s out getting his back treated? I’m sure Ed will be just fine after this injury; he’s only 105 years old.
MW: Sounds like an a**hole, acts like an a**hole, quacks like an a**hole, and treats you like sh*t.
Looks like a hot dude. “Oh, my dreamboat!”
Can’t wait for Dawn to write her dad’s advice column, not realizing Mary will answer, after seeing the postmark on the envelope. (I assume e-mail is too cutting edge for this agony Aunt.)
MW: I was wrong yesterday. Dirk is no Gorean. “Let me tell you a story” is the intro to what he might say to Dawn during the aftercare when she has finished servicing all his needs. Not now, not here. Dirk is just a wannabe, not a true Dom.
9CL: Waiting for commenter Schroduck to weigh in.
Luann: Isn’t Tara his cousin? Granted, she’s a flake and might shoot them with arrows, but wouldn’t one start with extended family when looking for childcare, and only then move on to the uptight girl whom you barely speak to?