Monday is for lovers
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Slylock Fox, 3/17/25
Yeah, we get it, Slylock is engaged in a long-running and very sexy game of cat and mouse fox with Cassandra, of which this is merely the latest episode, and check out her flirtatious body language as she makes her fake phone call from behind the jukebox, but … sorry, I can’t focus, because that muscular android Betty Boop is terrifying. Clearly that’s the sort of femmebot that, if released from its glass prison, would immediately strangle anyone who tried to control it with its surprisingly powerful hands. If Slylock were serious about Cassandra getting her comeuppance, he would simply allow her criminal enterprise to catch up with her, but as noted, this is all elaborate foreplay, so he’ll ensure that the Boop-o-Matic remains safely contained.
Alice, 3/17/25
Speaking of strange romance, we’re getting some lore here on the Alice aliens: they apparently outsource all flirting and sexual interactions to their eyestalks, which nuzzle one another while the main portion of their bodies discuss more intellectual, aesthetic, and philosophical matters. Seems efficient!
Luann, 3/17/25
Big news, everyone! The comic strip Luann launched this day in 1985, and after 40 years and thousands of installments, Luann has finally kissed a boy. Took a while but I think we can finally wrap this thing up!
95 replies to “Monday is for lovers”
Slylock Fox:
Oh, this one’s easy. Slylock has caller I.D. , like most sentient beings with phones. So it didn’t matter that Cassandra disguised her voice — Slylock recognized the number.
Luann:
SMACK
“Oh, did I mention that I didn’t give blood, because I have mononucleosis?”
Slylock Fox:
Who arranged the merchandise in this godawful antique shop, anyway? — Salvador Dali?
Luann: The FUSE, Fornication Under Sanction of Evans.
It’s all coming together.
HtH: After the defiant queen stubbornly refuses the further humiliation, Hagar will run her through with his sword and toss her body to the dogs—typical saga stuff.
Luann: Called it — no-frills blood drive breaks records (bonus – she gets to kiss the guy).
yyRxMD: Annnnddd…..? This strip wasn’t afraid to have bodyguards and lawyers.
Curtis: Oh, look. Another “Cursive is the bestest writing ever and everyone else writes for shit” boast. Save it for the physicians who do write for shit.
DT: This strip still exists. I’m not authorized to say more..
Blondie: Wait, is this a crossover with Pluggers or Slylock Fox with the doglady on the right?
SFox: What’s “fig-urine”? Urine produced after eating figs? Cassandra has really specific kinks.
MW: Ask Wendy seems to be an advice column for robots who just gained self-awareness.
Shylock Fox: What’s so special about fig urine anyway? Does it have a distinct odour like asparagus urine? Is it purple like beet urine? Then again, I suppose any sample of Betty Boop’s urine would be valuable. And it would probably still test positive for cocaine, 90-plus years later.
MW: “Stay calm.” Wow, Mary. Are you getting paid for these incredible insights?
I love that the first word in the fourth line of Slylock Fox is urine, which is also my starter word for Wordle. Must be an omen.
Luann kissed Quill many times.
H&L: The god of spring is not appeased with this year’s sacrifice.
“Next year we’ll do it right;” says Hi as he slips a tape of Wicker Man into the VCR.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: You might be Marvin when…
Luann: Spring has sprung, Phil has fell, forty years and still dumb as…usual…
Slylock Fox & Comics for Kids: Max follows five-to-seven steps behind Slylock wherever he goes, even to the bathroom, even when he paces back and forth or up and down staircases, while a baby aardvark casually destroys vases. “I’m sorry, Cass” Slylock says mournfully, half into the phone, half across the room where he can see her tail swishing from behind the Wurlitzer, “I know it’s ‘Catch me if you can,’ but I can’t. I just can’t.”
SF: Wait, you’re telling me that pocket watch doesn’t figure into the solution at all? I call shenanigans!
Luann, again: GoComics appears to be not loading at the moment,* which I take as evidence that the Trufans have burned the place to the ground with their ecstasy (Count Olaf is no doubt fantasizing about Ann Eiffel kissing Phil, or possibly Luann kissing Ann Eiffel.)
*Except Garfield, which, cockroach-like, will continue to load automatically until the sun burns out.
Alice: Other strips might have decided they need to explain what an “inner moon quantum bioptic” is, or at least show it in the art. Other strips are cowards.
Slylock Fox: If the editor didn’t notice “fig-urine”, I dread to think what’s going to happen when Cassandra Fox steals some shittake mushrooms or a cocktail.
SFx: Did anyone else glaze right over that “fig-” and assume that Cassandra was stealing Betty Boop’s urine? You figure it’s white or black?
Alice: Turns our that our earth is uniquely beautiful in the galaxy, which means that horrifying five-eyed aliens are sure to descend on us in any moment to claim it. Hopefully they find humanity part of its natural charm, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Luann: Anyone brave enough to look up that thank you video? Last time I I clicked on a Luann link I got the dumbest song imaginable stuck in my head for 6 months, so I’m not risking it.
SFx: Buff Android Betty Boop works out; she’s wearing spandex bicycle pants under her dress. Pre-Code Betty just went commando.
DT: Well! We certainly got a lot of important information in THIS Monday strip.
RMMD: Summer: “The thought of me being alone here in bed terrifies me!”
Augie thinks: “Nahhhhh….too easy.”
MW: So we’ve had to go from imagining Wilbur in a bathing suit to Mary doling out advice…we’re truly in the worst timeline….
Also Belle Batsfry is actaually Kate Goselin, so that’s fun…
My eye caught a glance of “Video” and “LuannFan” and for a second I imagined the announcement was for Luann’s OnlyFans. I was ready to scream that no one is asking for this, but I have read various comment sections and I know the demand for this exists
LUANN:. Loved the Luann Fan site with Greg’s description of how his career disappointed his parents plans and the video of him and Karen. Thanks, guys!
6CX:. Life when Covid is endemic
BoT:. Sit down, Dad, and eat with her to teach the toddler meals can be a pleasant social activity.
Happy St Patrick’s Day
LUANN:Too bad we don’t see the blood drive, but yet…
Three days ago, guess both Blondie and Curtis were commemorating Pi Day.
SLYFX: And he suddenly realized that THE CALL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE ANTIQUE STORE (sinister music)
RMMD: well played Augie well played.
Slylock Fox – Betty Boop was originally an anthropomorphic French Poodle that later passed as a human, making her the first of the sentient animals, pre-Slylockalypse. She is held in both a state of honor, but concern by the authorities. She showed what sentient animals were capable of achieving, but her friendliness to humans is downplayed lest the more “humanist” of the sentient animals decide human rights should matter as much as animal rights.
Alice – “My Eyes Are Up Here”
Luann – Luann has a benevolent vampire kink, which finally broke the spell of celibacy.
Luann – Now that the creator has publicly stated how old Luann would be if she aged in real time, I no longer feel the need to remind y’all that if she had aged in real time, she’d be in her early fifties, like me. She could address some more age-appropriate issues. Like planning your parents’ finances for assisted living, dealing with siblings across the country who take themselves way too seriously. Coming to the realization that you, and thousands of your closest friends are about to become unemployed and unemployable in the current economy. Come on, Greg. Surely you know what it feels like to be obsolete.
Luann: Welp, those masters of misdirection have done it again! They didn’t have the blood drive get cancelled for some thuddingly obvious yet ‘wacky’ reason (that would have been blamed on Tiffany), they just pulled a ‘Judge Parker’ and had all the interesting action happen off-panel! BRILLIANT!
And now, in honor of the strip’s 40th anniversary, I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say Mr. Evans, you have earned a nice rest and enjoy your retirement!
[whispers]
What’s that? He’s NOT retiring? It’s been 40 @#$%&*+ years!! Why is continuing to draw this insipid crap about a girl who has no skills, no talent, is unbearable to be around and has no way to support herself without Mommy and Daddy’s hel-*… oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh….
Took me a minute to notice that Count Weirdly is nowhere to be seen in today’s Slylock. The odd perspective makes the BoopBot look life-sized. The green genius demands a mate, and what better way to hook up with the perfect woman than to create her in a lab? Most guys in search of some alliterative action would try to clone Marilyn Monroe or Sydney Sweeney, but Betty Boop is the Count’s idea of a real woman. Too bad this visual concept is wasted on some cockamamie Cassandra Cat scheme.
The first word I saw in Slylock Fox was “urine” and you can bet I thought maybe there was an interesting mystery for once. But no, it appears that after the great uprising the animal people stopped marking their territory.
GT: Beth almost spilled their drinks when she had to step over Marty Moon.
MW: “Dear Reader, congratulations! Yours might be the dumbest letter ever submitted to an advice columnist. However, I am obligated to answer it, so I’m going to give you some of the dumbest advice anyone has ever read.”
The solution is that Slylock heard the sound of breaking glass and concluded that… it couldn’t be a robbery? if this is their sexy role-play, Slylock and Cassie have entered the low-effort phase of their relationship.
(Maybe they’re Nick Lowe fetishists?)
“LuanneFan.com” is really stretching things. “LuanneTolerater.angelfire.com” I could believe.
The Familliar Mucus: “Slow, Billy,slow.”
From “Mooseco Oil Company” I’ve tried to figure out the remaining seven sisters of big oil in the Slylockverse, but the only one that immediately springs to mind is Anglo-Persian Oil, which explains Cassandra Cat’s personal wealth.
RMMD-“Will you sleep in the same bed with me?”
MW-“We were somewhere around Santa Royale when the muffins began to kick in.”
MW-Out of ideas they decided to recycle the artwork.
FC-You are slow. You are so slow that you haven’t advanced beyond your grade in decades. You are so slow Daddy will turn over the business to Jeffy.
Luann-To read about the blood drive send money to Greg Evans site and he will eventually send you a graphic novel about the event and it’s wacky hijinks.
Luann-“I have to go, Luann. Something suddenly came up.”
Luann: Hand-jive can’t be far behind.
MW:
Dear Ask Wendy,
How do I tell my husband I have a brain tumor?
—Terminal in Tempe
Dear Terminal,
Stay calm. Be flexible. Look at the positive. Everything has something to teach us.
@Hibbleton: “Also, you’re in the desert. Take a shitton of peyote!”
@Powers: Phil better have his passport ready.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Oh! There’s a bad smell in here”
“Is it a dead animal?”
“No, I don’t think so…”
“It’s only Don Abundio, the world champion of farting in his sleep”
RMMD: And just like that, this turns into a 1940s romantic comedy! Embarrassing misunderstandings as Summer fixes Augie a bed on the couch. Next, they’ll have to set up a sham marriage, for the reasons.
Luann: Last week: “None of us have any idea how to run a blood drive, and we’re making the stupidest suggestions in between our tepid personal drama!”
This week: “Wow, that was the best blood drive ever, and it’s all thanks to you, Luann!”
For some writers, violating “show don’t tell” is a failing. For Clan Evans, it’s a way of life.
SFx: That’s not a Betty Boop figurine, that’s Betty Boop herself. The articulated limbs indicate she was captured by tricking her into thinking she was doing a screen test for Ex Machina.
@pugfuggly: SFx: White when she’s hydrated, gray when she’s not.
I’m more disturbed by the smaller naked doll. It reminds me of the Marlon Brando version of The Island of Dr Moreau where he inexplicably has a mute midget hanging out with him for no reason.
Luann, never kiss a boy with glasses.
Charles Laughton in Island of Lost Souls to Marlon Brando in Island of Doctor Moreau: “Dear boy, why don’t you try acting?!?”
Look, Slylock, I can suspend disbelief about a fox detective, a mouse partner, and the other various weirdos populating your world, but asking me to believe that the animals have a thriving market on Betty Boop collectables is too much.
C’shaft: You gotta wonder how Batiuk would have fared as a baker. I’m guessing his efforts would have been some combination of bland, overdone, and excessively heavy.
Dustin: I mean, mRNA vaccines may hold the key to curing cancer, renewable energy options are becoming more efficient and accessible all the time and I’m sure somewhere a cute animal doing something entertaining has been caught on film, but hey, if you talked about that you wouldn’t be able to blame younger generations for how unhappy you are.
MW: “‘Unexpected situations’? Brother, are you in the wrong comic.”
Phantom: Heloise would have a better chance of hooking up her brother and her best friend if she would stop acting like Mrs. Bennet with a single man in possession of a good fortune on her radar.
JP: Uh-oh, Glen’s got the measles.
Phantom: Unfortunately, Kit is unable to converse. All he can do is gawk at her bikinied magnificence and drool.
CS: In this, their 15th sit-down together, Skip gamely plows ahead, desperately searching for something — anything — remotely interesting that he can publish. He would not find it this day.
RMMD: The next morning, Augie makes The Walk of Pride as he leaves her house. Before he gets into his car, he shouts, “If you’re watching, Telko, ha haaa, suck on it!”
Baby Blues: There’s been a trope in horror movies lately where a young kid tells their parent that something is in their closet and the parent doesn’t take it seriously and ends up being killed when they go to look inside. If “Art the Clown” murders the entire family I hope other parents will learn to stop falling for this cliched setup.
Slylock Fox: I looked up if Betty Boop is in the public domain and she isn’t and won’t be for another year at least. What is it with newspaper comics being able to include basically any copyrighted media without fear of legal action that any other media faces?
Luann: Phil is disturbingly reminiscent of one Wilbur Weston, in that he’s pretty much the absolute worst but the comic desperately tries to gaslight you into thinking he’s a catch.
Shylox — Forget the feline–what the heck is that other thing? A tapir?
Poppedeye:
Sailor Popeye’s Lonely Heart Club Band
Readers won’t enjoy the show
Sailor Popeye’s Lonely Heart Club Band
We’d all tell Olive where to go
@ectojazzmage: Ah, yeah, the ‘the absolute worst but the comic desperately tries to gaslight you into thinking he’s a catch.’ The old timers here call that an ‘Anthony.’
Maybe in another 40 years Luann might get around to losing her virginity.
‘steal betty boop-‘
‘-urine’
What??? Oh- Oh. That’s unfortunately placed.
Wary Morth:
Vapid general questions?
Check.
Vapid platitudinous answers?
You bet.
This somehow being passed off as something Weelbur Weston would write, so that the readers can’t tell the difference?
Absolutely.
Has nothing in common with any real world advice column, no matter how inane?
Do you need to ask?
Slylock Fox: The joke’s on Cassandra here… She’s decided to rob one of those kitschy “antique” stores that specialize in pop-culture detritus from the early- to mid-20th century, where cartoon figurines, jukeboxes and old motor-oil signs are sold for hundreds or even thousands of dollars. because aging folks with too much disposable income were looking for a way to recapture their youth. But much of that generation is downsizing or gone now, and kids today have little interest in antiques in general (much less know who Betty Boop is) — and anyway, they’ve all been replaced by giant talking animals who can barely figure out how to wear pants. The point being, Slylock should let our villainess have the big ol’ Betty Boop — given that the character was originally introduced as an animated french poodle, maybe Cass is the only one who can really appreciate this highly sexualized animal-woman of the past.
Considering how many actual dolls now “pee and poop” I’m very surprised that it hasn’t been brought up in the Toy Story movie franchise that’s been going on 30 years at this point. Maybe today’s Slylock Fox is an elaborate way to pitch an idea for “Toy Story 5” to Disney where Woody and his friends are stuck in an antique shop and encounter a doll with urinary incontinence?
Slylock: I want to know about the fig poop.
MW-“Dear Dirk, if you could have handled Dawn better than maybe she wouldn’t have broken up with you.”
Slylock Fox-Boop-oop-a-doop
@Activist, Luann: At least he didn’t become a rapper, but he still should have gone for a trade like plumbing or roofing, or construction, right, Greg Willkins?
@Ukranazi Stepan, Luann: Maybe in another 40 years, Brad and Toni might get around to losing their virginity.
I’ve learned that figurine is fig urine. And I’m not pleased by this.
SFx: TheCC again has his hopes cruelly dashed as this crockery crackery occurs in an antique store and not a restaurant (1/15/17) so we do not get to see “Max attempting to eat his corn on the cob with a fork and knife”. Perhaps it’s for the best as having dreams for the future can help weather these uncertain times.
Luann — For some reason, I have a Katy Perry earworm now — I kissed a girl, and I liked it!
@Little Guy: Well, just Brad, anyway…
Even for aliens I’m pretty sure saying things like “Do you like the latest design of the inner moon quantum bioptic?” is one of 10 Signs that Your Loved One Has Had a Stroke.
Excuse me — did the “new GoComics service!” we were threatened with begin today?
And is that service “we are not going to give you any comics, ha ha, thanks for the subscription fee SUCKER!”
Luann: I think the Judge Parker team could learn a lesson or two from Greg Evans. Spring comes to San Diego, indeed.
And then hand job. And then hand jizz.
I just realized the “Best Bonkers Blood Drive” will be available as a book for $39.95 plus S&H.
RMMD: “Would it be too much to ask you to stay here tonight? Would it be too much to ask you to dress up in the fireman uniform I keep in my bedroom closet for occasions like this? Would it be too much to ask you to put on these nipple clamps, and let me paint your toenails? Would it be too much to ask you to play a game I like to call Point of Sale, where you swipe your nose through my credit card reader? Would it be too much to ask you to let me asphyxiate you when you are close to orgasm, or maybe just when I am close?”
I hate to be a scold but I’m concerned that Mary insists on typing on a coffee table instead of a desk. It’s going to ruin her posture. I don’t want to think of her facing back surgery courtesy of Dr. Jeff
GoComics has awoken!
CS: Jeebus! That Dale Evans is going to need a new roof after supporting the weight of that bloated dialog bubble.
9CL: This is truly incomprehensible. It seems like Edda should be saying “no-o-o-etc.,” but she’s clearly shown not saying anything.
@Mary’s Ex:
Kudos. Mary Sex is a fantastic nom de snark.
@pugfuggly: Last time I I clicked on a Luann link I got the dumbest song imaginable stuck in my head for 6 months, so I’m not risking it.
“Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down
never gonna round around and desert you…”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: And then hand job. And then hand jizz.
And then hand kerchief.
@Tabby Lavalamp: Ha ha! Angelfire! I had forgotten all about that powerhouse of the Internet!
@Maude R. Fawker: Ah, the natural order of things.
9CL: Yeah, yeah, Juliette likes to wear animal-print underpants. Overdone thirty years now.
Lay Lines: I’m probably the only one here who likes Carol Lay at all, but I am SO DONE with this “Murderburg Profiles” gig she’s been drawing since New Years. You have to have a very special kind of talent to pull off spooky comics and do it right, and Lay is no Charles Addams, Edward Gorey, or Gahan Wilson.
Alice: Earth is beautiful. The artwork in this strip never is.
@Anonymous: I’m more disturbed by the smaller naked doll.
Rule 34: Campbell’s Soup Kid edition.
FC – She must have given him a big dose of Benadryl or horse tranquilizer to knock him out, and now she’s afraid that she gave him an overdose.
I have never – never! – heard of a parent taking a kid’s pulse. I know I never did. Temperature – many times. Pulse – never.
Mary Worth – Every advice column I have ever read has letters about specific situations with specific people. Overbearing in-laws, rebellious kids, tyrannical bosses, asshole neighbors. I have never read a letter asking a fuzzy, generalized question like this. Of course, it gives Mary the opportunity to go into extreme platitude mode, churning out a mess of half assed generalities. This is execrable.
S4 – Uh oh.
Rex Morgan – Augie will spend the night, but since this is RMMD everything will be perfectly innocent. However, Stalker Guy will see him leave the house in the morning. That would be the catalyst for an interesting episode in any other soap opera strip. However, since this is RMMD, all hell will not break loose.
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
Gil Thorp: “Keep this between us, but I have a thing for the bartender.” “A thing? I’m not keeping your penis between us, Thorp.” “Penis betweenis? I’ll have to remember that one, tonight with the bartender.” “Ugh. That’s gross. She’s gross. You’re gross.” “It’s just the artwork, my friend. Ever since Rachel took over.”
love is… presenting her with a used condom as a momento.
@Lauralot: makes sense
@Guy Nerdlinger: Nope, much much worse. Click if you dare on Hey Boy
Archie: Did Dagwood once live next to Jughead’s mom?
@I speak Jive: re:FC: Thought the same thing, then forgot to comment. “JESUS CHRIST, she’s checking whether he’s DEAD.” Somehow, it didn’t stick in my mind, probably because I wouldn’t even notice there was one fewer little melon head.
@Maude R. Fawker: To be honest, Beth the bartender wasn’t much to look at pre-Rachel, either. I can’t hold it against her.
”What, your penis?”
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Alice: Some people are wondering about the definition of “the inner moon quantum bioptic”. I’m pretty sure the definition is “what someone who doesn’t consume much sci-fi media thinks sci-fi sounds like”.
Crank: Battom Thomas, wall o’ text, guess Batty’s just saved ten seconds out of my day for the next week!
DT: Okay, fine, Costello hasn’t actually forgotten where Uncle Horace works (and Dick actually said there were three completely different business cards yesterday, oops). Instead, Piltdown Scam has quit both Vesuvius and KN&K in circumstances which the companies refuse to discuss with the police, but which were no more red flags for his current employer than the fact he keeps taking “business trips”, but they, his employers, don’t actually know where he goes or when to expect him back.
MW: I’ve said this before, but I am begging Moy to look at actual advice columns. I’m not saying nobody sends them vague “how do I handle unexpected situations?” type questions; people do all kinds of stuff. But they don’t use them!
Phantom: I was right when I said even Kit wasn’t that dumb. But only just!