Archive: Slylock Fox

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Dennis the Menace, 4/22/18

Acting as if minor changes in consumer behavior can solve major structural societal problems? Pretty darn menacing, if you ask me.

Pluggers, 4/22/18

THEORY: The pluggers most like to care about the welfare of animals … are the ones who are beginning to suspect that they themselves are animals.

Slylock Fox, 4/22/18

“None of those ingredients are real! Plus, eternal existence would eventually become a curse! Without the rise and fall of generations, society would be sapped of its vitality! Without death, there can’t be any true life! Please listen, you’ve got to believe me!”

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/18

It’s extremely sad to me that Count Weirdly is so constantly persecuted by the Animal authorities because of his eccentricities and (let’s not mince words) species. He’s always coming up with amazing inventions like a functional bipedal robot that’s capable of feeling real affection, but because he’s cut off from traditional funding avenues, the only way he can raise capital to manufacture and market his creations is to market his own reality video content. These shows, which are as popular post-animalpocalypse as they were before, have certain narrative conventions. And so, yes, Weirdly had to structure a narrative arc where he appears to develop and construct Mortty within a single half-hour episode. Was this, strictly speaking, true? No, but isn’t the robot itself achievement enough? Doesn’t everyone assume that so-called “reality” shows are highly edited? Why won’t Slylock leave this innovator alone?

Spider-Man, 4/16/18

Hey, remember when we first came upon Dr. Connors, way back at the beginning of this storyline? He was sneaking out of his janky-ass lab, which he presumably owed a lot of back rent on, and was throwing all his scientific equipment into back of his minivan so he could decamp to his even jankier-ass lab out in the middle of a swamp. I’m not really sure “world’s top scientist” meets the standards of journalistic accuracy we’ve come to expect from the Bugle, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/16/18

Hey, Darrin and Pete, why not try looking excited or eager about your new gig? Maybe put some effort into arranging your facial expressions so that you look like you’re feeling something other than creeping existential dread! Because honestly, if you go into this endeavor convinced it’s going to fail, it’s going to be less fun for me when it inevitably does.

Mary Worth, 4/16/18

I believe it was George Orwell who once said, “If you want a picture of the future, imagine a panel of Wilbur in the shower at least once a week — forever.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/26/18

Welp, I apologize: it turns out that even though last week I dismissed the possibility that Darin and Jessica were driving from Los Angeles to northeast Ohio rather than flying for some reason, and that Mopey Pete would prefer to tag along rather than flying himself for some reason, that is in fact what’s happening! I … have no idea why? I guess flying with a baby is a pain, but probably not so much of a pain as making a multiday drive with a baby? That kind of drive is a big undertaking and generally you only do it if you have a specific reason, like you’re moving with all your stuff or you want to see the country or something, and yet these guys are just acting like it’s a normal, everyday occurrence, which makes me think that I’ve missed some pivotal Funkyverse event, like all air travel being banned due to a sudden outbreak of Atmosphere Cancer.

Mark Trail, 2/26/18

“The death toll was awful … there were dozens of them packed into a single boxcar, with no safety measures of any kind. One of the few survivors said that any real clown would rather die true to their values than travel in a vehicle with a reasonable number of people in it.”

Spider-Man, 2/26/18

We established last week that JJJ’s sojourn to South Florida had nothing to do with Spidey’s adventures there, but it’s nice to know that he just rants to casual acquaintances about what a menace the wall-crawler is, presumably without context or provocation.

Slylock Fox, 2/26/18

It’s good to see that Slylock has so thoroughly eradicated crime that he can spend his time advising school administrators how not to embarrass themselves, I guess! But I think he’s wrong here: no teen is going to sharpen these pencils, because a pencil that says “TOO COOL TO CHEAT” is so hilariously dorky and pure that they’ll be keeping them in pristine condition for years.