Archive: Slylock Fox

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/16/20

Wow, this is, uh, a little low-rent for Slylock and Max, isn’t it? Usually they’re off making arrests and solving mysteries to uphold the dignity of, and the monopoly on legitimate violence claimed by, the Glorious Animal Regime and its monarchy. But today they’re serving as chauffeurs for a bounty hunter, a sordid figure straddling the boundaries between public and private justice, and learning the finer points of how to sneak up on someone so you can drag them screaming from an abandoned house as part of some no-doubt extremely grim and depressing feud. Anyway, it looks like despite everyone’s best precautions, Slick Smitty has managed to escape, leaving behing poor Reeky Rat to take the fall, as usual.

Mary Worth, 2/16/20

Dawn is, of course, a perpetual romantic victim — two-timed by Dr. Jeff’s son, left near-comatose after being dumped by some guy named Dave, wooed by married men — and so I think we all assumed that when her long-distance relationship dissolved in acrimony and deceit, exactly as Wilbur predicted, it would be because Hugo was stepping out. But now it appears that Dawn is the one feeling “restless” and “alone.” Who knows what erotic temptations will await her at Tony’s? As much as I’m tired of Weston-related drama, I have to admit that I’m kind of interested to see Dawn dish out heartbreak instead of suffering from it.

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Slylock Fox, 2/10/20

You ever think how lucky Slylock and the Glorious Animal Regime are that their rogues gallery never uses its resources to their full potential? Think of the havoc that you could wreak with the ability to create an android so lifelike that a policeduck could extensively interact with it and still not be able to tell that it’s artificial! Weirdly could be building an army of android warriors, as intelligent as any human (or animal) but indestructible and willing to destroy his enemies and make him a god-king, but instead he’s just deploying them as decoys while he goes on the lam. Anyway, the real reason you can tell that’s not a bio-Weirdly is that if it were a bio-Weirdly, that cave would be full of Weirdly poop.

Mark Trail, 2/10/20

“Look, Mark, I just want to make this absolutely clear: yes, I indulged and even helped promote Harvey’s bizarre, delusional story that his amputation, which had an entirely normal and reasonably explanation, was the result of a yeti attack, but we weren’t fucking, OK? Do you think I’m a weirdo or something?”

Six Chix, 2/10/20

Ahhh, it’s time to celebrate Valentine’s Day, Six Chix-style: Getting wine-drunk and vomiting up an entire box of chocolates so violently that you completely jam up your toilet! LOVE IS IN THE AIR, people.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/26/20

When I was a kid, presumably after I had burned through the entire Encyclopedia Brown corpus, I got way into T*A*C*K, a series of children’s’ books that made so little impact on our collective cultural memory that it doesn’t even have a Wikipedia article, just one on TV Tropes. The books featured four kids who solved … not mysteries, exactly; more like petty real-life annoyances, through puzzle-logic that would be familiar to anyone reading Slylock Fox. Though I’m sure I read all four books, I only actually remember two of the stories in any detail: one where the little brother of one of the protagonists was at a sleepover at someone’s house and there was a cat there and he was allergic but had forgotten his medicine at home and didn’t have a key (the kid loved cats and it made him so sad and as I cat-loving kid I felt very bad for him; I do not remember how the mystery was solved) and one where two characters are arguing over how to fairly cut up a birthday cake, with the proposed solution — one person cuts the cake and the other chooses a piece — being functionally identical to the one proposed here. Anyway, the actual answer to the question posed is that these artifacts belong in a museum, and if our two treasure hunters deliver them to the nearest undersea archaeologists together, they’ll be able to equally share the pride in doing the right thing, which is an infinite resource for those who deserve it.

The Lockhorns, 1/26/20

A lot of Leroy and Loretta’s gripes about each other are exaggerated and performative, but I always assumed there’s a grain of truth to it when Loretta belittles Leroy for not making enough money. That was before I found out they took a vacation to Niagara Falls, Rome, Venice, Scotland, and Greece, though.

Family Circus, 1/26/20

Wait, who’s the dead dude in yellow crawling around on a cloud listening to the prayers of other people’s grandkids? Since his soul is in Paradise, forever in the radiance of our Creator Himself, doesn’t he have literally an infinite number of better things to do?