This is the most unwell plugger I’ve ever seen, which is honestly saying something
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Pluggers, 9/15/25
A friend of mine in Baltimore, widely known for always looking younger than she was, when asked for her secret said, “Never make a noise when you bend over to pick something up,” something I think about all the time as I hit increasingly pluggerish ages and inevitably make noises when I bend over to pick things up. Anyway, today’s Pluggers is on this theme, but I like the way they’ve taken the suggestion and turned it into a little story about a woman who’s just trying to enjoy a football game but instead has to watch her husband drop dead as he attempts to get out of a chair.
Crock, 9/15/25
The thing about using the rule of three when you’re writing a joke is that while it’s true that the first two of the three should be similar enough to form a pattern, they shouldn’t literally be the exact same thing. Maybe my standards are too high, but I think if you’re doing a comic about how the French Foreign Legion is full of nefarious criminals, you should be aware of at least one other crime over and above jewel thievery!
Judge Parker, 9/15/25
“Anyway, just like Pilate, I’m washing my hands of him. He was the good guy in that story, right? It would’ve been more dramatic to do this right in front of Alan, obviously, but we were at a restaurant and trying to get him to go into the bathroom at the same time as me would’ve been weird.”
42 replies to “This is the most unwell plugger I’ve ever seen, which is honestly saying something”
Hi and Lois Mashups: Do any of these three missing final panels seem to be what Lois wants to say to Hi?
Come on, Pluggers, that caption is unnecessarily wordy. How about “A plugger ‘calls an audible’ every time he gets up from a chair?” You’d think I wouldn’t have to tell a Plugger to keep it simple, stupid; that’s their brand!
JP: Today I learned that the term for anyone with a hand fetish is Cheirophilia. So you can tell your friends that today’s Judge Parker is for the cheirophiliacs with that hot handwashing action.
MW: Time for Saul and Eve to get shoved back into the ether so that the wunderkind can see the next zoo exhibit…I mean, Charterstone resident.
Archie-“I’m just laying here with my head in Veronica’s lap.”
RMMD:
“I’m back.”
“That’s really too bad.”
RMMD:
“Look, Sam, there’s ‘Madge’ ! — she’s going to tell you momentarily how to make those hands of yours soft and pliable by using Palmolive brand liquid detergent!”
Pluggers Oh he’s standing up? God, I thought the punchline was going to be “Pluggers can’t fund the remote until it’s at least 2 inches inside”
JP Yeah, I can’t imagine either, in the sense that I have no idea what’s going on and have very few context clues to go by..
Pluggers-Then the Plugger drops dead and the wife can’t call the paramedics because they still have a rotary phone.
Judge Parker: Usually when two people are in the same room, talking and responding, it’ll be what we call “a conversation.” But a guy humping a doorknob then washing his hands, and a woman who refuses eye contact as she stares at her sharp, glistening knife. . . well, that works too, in a totally dysfunctional way.
Late stage Plugger transitions from ‘pull my finger’ to ‘initiate CPR’
Pluggers know the term “audible” has less to do with football than with the Amazon audiobook app that they’ve somehow got a very expensive uncancelable subscription despite the fact that all they use it for is AI-slop true crime podcasts.
I don’t know about The Crown Jewels, but isn’t The Hope Diamond cursed?
That explains WAY too much here.
MW: “As Saul, Eve, and their dogs [?!] wrap up their talk with Mary and Olive…,” Olive, Max, and Greta exchange knowing winks, cementing their clear understanding of each other’s innermost thoughts and Olive’s uncanny ability to know what the animals are ‘saying’ to her. This special gift should come in handy when Olive visits ANIMAL HOSPITAL to meet Dr. Ed and his receptionist-wife and Wilbur-ex, Stella, in which setting Olive will learn from Dr. Ed’s few remaining patients what horrors have REALLY been unfolding in the examination rooms, and how the Pomeranian met its untimely demise and why Steven was given free rein to put down animals at a professed rate of four per week. It’s going to bust this operation wide open.
Sid, if I were you, I’d lawyer up.
There’s a great bit in The Cowboy Wally Show where all the legionnaires are taking turns crying about the women they joined the Foreign Legion to forget, and I think what really makes the bit work is that Baker put even like eight seconds of thought into the kinds of things people want to forget, and that’s how he landed on “bad relationships” instead of “extremely impressive jewel heists(?!)”
CROCK: Criminal one upmanship. The lawyer shouldn’t win. At least not automatically.
BETWEEN FRIENDS: So will Savreen lose her job if it’s known she counseled the new manager to leave?
JP: tacky, to use the kitchen sink to wash off stench.
FG: Fria may have a point. Does anyone know backstory of why her husband died?
FBoFW: April’s right, strangers DO look strange until they learn to don a cloak of confidence.
In the classic French Foreign Legion “Beau Geste”, the three Geste brothers join the Legion because none of them stole a jewel, but they think another brother might have so they’re running away to draw attention away from their siblings.
Crock :
a) “I’m trying to forget”!? I thought the idea was that criminals joined the foreign legion to avoid consequences (ie, incarceration or execution) for the delinquent acts they committed, not that they wanted to forget what they did! Because they can just drink a lot of booze for that!
b) A better punchline would have been “… I forgot what I did.”
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Frazz : if every student in Mrs Olsen is just like Caufield, then Caufield is NOT SPECIAL (besides being the only one whose name we know).
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Pluggers : IMHO, a better joke would have been the onomatopeia to be replaced by something like a green-brown “PPPPRRRRRTTTTT!”, accompagnied by a cloud of green stink emanating from the Pluggers backside.
JP: Standard door height is six feet eight inches and Alan has to duck a little to enter the kitchen. I just wish Beatty would have pictured those Elton John style platforms he’s wearing.
I thought you were supposed to join the Foreign Legion to forget a broken heart? You have stolen a valuable item and are not in jail, live it up!
They’re not in prison, so did they SUCCESSFULLY steal these jewels? Wouldn’t that indicate a level of great skill? You gave up on yourselves, generic Legionnaires!
RMMD:
“I’m back.”
“Wow. Just like John Wick in his eponymous 2014 movie.”
@Baja Gaijin: The first – Hi and Lois always had a dark edge
Crock:
“Ours is a coterie of ulcerative abscess.”
“No. Don’t say it, Gaston.”
“Yep. The Foreign Lesion!”
@Anonymous: Oooh, I hope Olive is in Caufield’s class, that would prove that she isn’t special either.
DT: confusing message. Tessa did not seem to have any remorse in zap zap various electrical workers, the loan shark, the loan shark goon – all with good to not so strong motivation, yet is troubled now? She should be on the phone setting up the Faustian bargain with Diet Smith Industries.
JP: Weeks will fade into months and years and only the most devoted readers will wonder what ever happened to April and Randy.
MW: So, is this the “Nancy” moment that the creators feel that it is time to move on from Fritzi Ritzy and focus on the little girl Olive?
Phantom (squints at the background) Does the general keep a bottle of champagne on ice in his office at all times? How many celebratory moments are there at a slave-labour mine, anyhow?
@pugfuggly: It’s Judge Parker! How much context do you need? (How much context are you going to get?)
@Activist: FG – I remember he died flying onto (slamming into? delivering a bomb to?) a snow giant, right after knighting Bok. I don’t recall whose shenanigans woke up the monster but it was due to non-Frigian people doing something in secret there.
Two likely Judge Parker scenarios:
#1: Sam: “I’m back.”
Abbey: “Who gives a shit?”
#2: Sam: “I’m back.”
Abbey: “Got any more news flashes, asshole?”
Pluggers aren’t pluggers until they need a lift assist recliner, real pluggers use a Hoyer lift, what are we even doing here?
Judge Parker: “I can’t imagine what he could tell her. Her name might be a good a start, though.”
Pluggers:
*Grunt*
*Groan*
*Shits his pants*
@Charterstoned: Re MW: Lawyer up? Fortunately my Intern is a student at the StoreFront School of Law and is only a few payments away from a J.D. But, again, Olive only says what’s in the script – she’s not gettin’ any dope from the Animals…. unless The Ladies write it in there…
We are negotiating a visit by Olive and Mary to Animal Hospital for some cockamamie reason yet to be determined. And guess who works there as goodwill ambassadors! Yes, the Terrific Trio are gainfully employed in the family business and will make appearances – if all works out! Intern, are those gift baskets ready yet?
Also Judge Parker: “Sorry, just give me a minute here. I had to do an elaborate pantomime with Alan. God, eviscerated server blood is difficult to get off your hands.”
@Baja Gaijin: All three are excellent options.
Pluggers – Non-Pluggers will listen to their body, but Pluggers will sing along in harmony.
Crock – The third guy must have been a mediocre lawyer, because a good lawyer (meaning a skilled in the law) could have gotten himself out of having to join the Legion, a bad lawyer (meaning ethically unscrupulous) could have offered his services to powerful and corrupt officials and used connections to get out of service in the Legion.
But in the hypercompetitive modern world, it’s not enough to simply put in your time and do okay work. Crock isn’t just about the brutality and senseless of colonialism, the French Foreign Legion is a metaphor of the wages of mediocrity, where the least skilled, talented, and ambitious end up foot soldiers in the brutal enforcement of the extractive Empire’s values.
Also, Pluggers are disturbed by an audible because they know that’s not a shadow on the recliner.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: None and none.
“Abbey, that’s not how knives work. And the carrots are growing back? I, just, I…Jesus Christ.”
@Philip:
But the Legion is voluntary. Always has been. He could’ve avoided Legion service by not walking into the recruiting office.
I’m Canadian so the most bizarre thing to me about the comic with the chicken woman and dog man couple sitting in their home watching football is that they’re wearing shoes in the house. It’s even worse thinking of them with actual chicken feet and dog paws wedged into footwear made for humans.
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It’s funnier if no time has passed between panels one and two and Sam’s hands were like that as he came in through the door.
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I get what the punchline is supposed to mean but it’s less hacky if they two jewel thieves are just happy that they can get free legal advise.
JP – “Did you remember to scrub up first, Abbey? Don’t want those carrots to get infected.”