Elder Thursday
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Crankshaft, 10/9/25
Look, characters in comic strips are, ultimately, not real people, and while you can chuckle at their antics, you ultimately shouldn’t feel bad for them. Especially not Ed Crankshaft, who’s a real asshole. Still, I can’t look at panel three here, where he has an extremely bleak facial expression as he’s compelled, apparently against his will, to make wordplay with “wiener” in it that doesn’t make sense at all but vaguely sounds like he’s referring to masturbation, and not feel a frisson of sympathy. He doesn’t want this! Nobody wants this!
Blondie, 10/9/25
You all know that I depend on Blondie, whose characters are spiritually boomers even if they’re younger in age as drawn, to find out what old people are doing on the computer. It’s not gambling, I guess! They’re still doing that the old fashioned way, by handing over wads of cash to some guy in their office building. They’re leaving losing life-damaging sums of cash on absurd parlays via an app to the young people, and, you know what, good for them.
62 replies to “Elder Thursday”
Crankshaft:
“I mean, isn’t that the wurst advice you could possibly get?”
Crank: Anyone who even slightly chuckles at this punchline needs to explain why. I’m truly curious.
Crankshaft: The punchline could work with a different setup. Like, he’s been giving his female dog pills wrapped them in hot dogs, but now the vet says he has to wein-her off them.
But Josh is right, this is about two degrees of meta away from the characters going on strike and demanding better lines.
FC-“Oh yes. It shall be the day I’ll be free of all of you.”
Crankshaft:
So in the first panel, Ed is pictured with two other guys in the booth he’s occupying. One guy has a full head of hair with no glasses. The other guy has male pattern baldness, a mustache and glasses. In the second panel, in the same booth, Ed is talking to a guy with male pattern baldness but no mustache or glasses. So, who is that guy in the second panel? Is he like Schrodinger’s cat — he’s there, but he’s not? Or does today’s strip depict a multiverse, in which we’re observing, in two different panels, two different universes, each of them a universe in the infinite number of universes that Ed inhabits?
Blondie: Dithers knows gambling and loan sharking go hand-in-hand and is ready to cash in with payday loans but wonders who’s gonna be the muscle man.
@Bob Tice: Brilliant observation, and it explains everything – there was a production mixup, and panel 3 is for a different strip, where the punchline works.
Blondie: Yeah, and they probably still read porn out of grimy, thumb-stained magazines. Except for Dag — he gets off reading the cookbook.
Cshaft: I had to read that last panel twice because the first time I thought Ed was saying that the doctor was making him ‘wiener off’ in front of him. Too bad, because I feel like a slightly less disgusting version of that line could have made for a good bait-and-switch gag.
Blondie: Oops, looks like Mr Dithers is about to re-invent the protection racket. At least we’d finally have something in this strip that fits the 1920s aesthetic
“I’m in, Dag!” says the glassy-eyed woman as she hands her money over. Bumstead ain’t selling football.
Blondie: WORST person to trust with a pile of cash. He won’t WANT to, but his very Dagwoodness will take him straight to the nearest sandwich shop. And won’t his condiment-smeared face be red at pay-off time!
MW: Sure, what dog WOULDN’T rather prance around in idiotic neckwear with a couple of fogies than have an exciting rescue dog career?
Crank makes more sense after tomorrow’s continuation. (spoilers) “But if I’m going to ‘weiner off’ I’ll need some other pills.
Crankshaft : I guess the joke where Crankshaft complains that he was prescribed “baby” aspirins, and is now being “weaned” off them (like a baby would be weaned off his bottle) would not be an obvious joke without one of his trademark malaprops, but I feel as if having him turn “wean” into “weiner”, in such close promixity to the word “baby”, is kind of inappropriate for a character whose job makes him in constant contact with minors?
…Too far?…As someone who animates, it’s often difficult to read the comics without considering how I’d make the characters in particular strips move. Which is why I dread Blondie strips with that bizarre “baby legs” character design… If I created something with that, the resulting walk cycle would get me banned from the village and possibly a place in the better parts of the afterlife.
H&L: Hey, dad. Whose pile is bigger?
Thirsty’s “piles” are bigger than both!No Punchlines!!! —Ed., Kings Features Syndicates
Poor Ed just doesn’t find baby aspirins that attractive. He was at it for an hour!
MW: Looks like The Ladies have received correspondence from the lawyers who work for Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! Specifically, it sounds like Sid’s legal team successfully negotiated a restraining order to protect Max from encroachment, and a cushy settlement for Greta that should allow her to retire comfortably.
Look at that other man in the corner of the third panel. That’s that face of a man who knows he’s in hell but as long as he doesn’t have a speaking role and doesn’t have to spout these inanities, he’s fine. He’s probably not even really listening and is thinking back to a really nice round of golf he had when he was alive.
***
If this is the start of Dagwood breaking bad into becoming a full on bookie and sending Elmo out to break legs… Nah. Modern newspaper comics would never do anything interesting.
Crankshaft: As if the wordplay itself weren’t bad enough, while reading about Mr. Crankshaft’s escapades, I spilled a bit of coffee, ruining one of my go-to neckties in the process. Suck it up, Ed, is what I’m saying. We all have to make sacrifices for the sake of the comics.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: You would think 100% polyester would be machine-washable, but noooo…
Blondie: Dag’s collecting money up front but – at about the same time he learns that his dealer’s visor needs to be a translucent green – will figure out he can generate more juice by letting his clients place their bets on credit. That’s where Dithers steps in for the collection portion of the operation. He’ll farm out the muscle portion to his sister-in-law, Pearl Slaghoople, who will break the kneecaps of the deadbeats with her umbrella. Win-Win all around.
MW: I’m of the opinion that Saul and Eve are only married because Moy doesn’t believe that people of the opposite sex can’t be “just friends.” Look at how Jared is still simping for Dawn and wouldn’t step in during the Dirk situation because he didn’t want to be mistaken for still having feelings for her (which he does).
Anyway, dogs are good but their owners are delusional.
“My God, why is the sunset occurring indoors, sir?”
“Don’t worry, Miss Whatever, our colorist has been blind gor years.”
Zippy the Pinhead: Worst “Spot the six differences” ever
Dithers has lots of options here. He could get his assistant (who apparently types with just her pinkie fingers) to send Dagwood a shakedown memo. Or he could probably just reach out and grab some of the money that has been carelessly strewn about.
GT “Yes, tell coach Thorp that I. M Abut from the Knicks wants to see him in New York about coaching” (repressed snickering from the teens pranking the school after hearing the ridiculous rumour of NFL interest following the lost game yesterday)
FC – If you want to live to see your next birthday, get your ass back in bed and go the fuck to sleep!
Blondie: In response to complaints about fan service and the focus on the hyper sexualized body of the female titular character, the artist has outlined the penis of the central male figure standing in line. Not sure that evens things out unless maybe the strip plans to feature more of “Big Ed.”
Bizarro: Listen, don’t worry about Rompin’ Rhino havin’ to take a one panel couch-sitting gig. I know it’s a far cry from his Adventure Days of yesteryear in old Mark Trail and The Phantom, but at least he’s getting work… unlike most of his Large Wildlife cohort. He’s showing a good grasp of the concept here with his casual, blase demeanor.
He beat out Plugger Rhinoman, Carl Rhinowski, for the job when Carl refused to perform nude.
Blondie: Be careful Dagwood or this can spiral out of control. Group of Wall Street Traders ran a NCAA basket pool and ended up getting into big money/big trouble.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/business/1991/04/13/office-pools-take-brokerage-employees-from-bet-to-worse/6e8cbd6f-a5ae-475c-8a1b-762b1a841c8c/
MW: Now, people are getting “realistic” about the dogs? Is this lull before we see Mary, Stanley and Olive make their descent?
DT: Faust had dozed off during all of the speechifying and noticed now there may be some action!
RMMD: So each block of walking will take one day….
“Anyway, turns out babies cry a lot when you take their medicine from them. The moms don’t like it much either.”
Blondie: Sorry, but Dagwood could never run a betting ring. The first time he heard the word “spread” he’d be off in a condiment-fueled fugue state.
C’shaft: Never, ever say “weiner off” again.
Crankshaft, 10/9/25: “…wordplay with “wiener” in it that doesn’t make sense…”…in THAT IT doesn’t make sense…” YOU UNPR00FREADING ASS!
Gasoline Alley: A jamoke brandishing a fake business card reading “Health Inspector” actually does find things that any food service worker should know. Maybe this guy should get the job once his treatment is complete.
Arlo & Janis: Good stuff.
MW: I don’t know what kind of rescues a dachshund is going to help in unless a toddler crawls into a fox’s den, but have at it. If small dogs are known for anything, it’s being not at all yippy, snarly, and bitey around unknown people in strange places.
Crankshaft – I would think Crankshaft would be used to everyone telling him to “Wiener off!” Or any other expression ending with “off.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Are you having a nice time, babe?”
“Yes, Don Abundio! Thanks to your preparations!”
“I’ve never enjoyed a canoe ride more…”
“It’s almost as good as not being in a stupid boat at all!”
FC: The old saying: “Laugh before breakfast; Cry before dinner” gives me something to look forward to in tomorrow’s strip.
DtM: I wonder if Dennis’ supposed bad behavior is just a mechanism for the teacher to pass mash notes to Alice.
Pluggers still use terms like mash notes.
DT: You just know that “Doctor” is dripping with sarcasm. “Yeah right, since when do you have a medical degree? You’re a lady!”
Dustin: And today I find myself in the disturbing position of agreeing with Dustin.
GT: Hey, remember Tobias? You know, the trans kid who just wants to play sports and be accepted as he is by the community, but whose very existence makes him a political target? Anybody care what he’s dealing with right now, or are we too busy with reminding everyone that Gil Thorp is God’s Specialest Boy and The Greatest Coach In the Known Universe?
HotC: Give it up, honey. The HOA doesn’t care about logic. Just try to explain to them that your lawn “isn’t up to community standards” because you can’t very well reseed the damn thing at the height of summer with watering restrictions.
JP: No, Neddy! That would defeat the entire purpose of this exercise, which is Abby’s determination to get you out of her hair!
Luann: You know what, Dez? You’re the one who signed everyone on to this without asking; you can handle poop and flea duty yourself.
MW: No, give it a shot. I want to see the look on the rescue trainer’s face when you sign up your dachshund with anxiety issues for the course.
Pluggers are in constant debilitating pain.
RMMD: Gee, if only there were a way to publish your writing yourself without having to go through the traditional channels! Maybe it could be provided by, I don’t know, an obscenely large corporation that started in book sales and now accounts for a significant majority of that market…
Daddy Daze: We are ALL waiting for you to do something interesting.
@TheDiva: Luann Yep, if their signatures aren’t on the foster contract, THEY didn’t sign up to do any of that. Not that any sane pet foster org would allow an application without every adult on board…
HotC: Yes, how will the HOA enforce age restrictions on Halloween when the adults and the 12-year olds look exactly the same?
(Anybody besides me ever play ‘guess which character is which’ on Steens’ Heart of the City?)
@lynn: I’m still trying to figure out if it’s the author, or just the character, who is unable to understand the distinction between “being in costume” and “trick-or-treating.”
Blondie – Hey Julius. You want to know how you can turn that in to making you money? Tell Dagwood to get his ass back to work.
Crankshaft: Every single strip with Crankshaft’s friends(?) in the diner plays out exactly the same. He goes on some meandering pointless story with a bunch of malapropisms while they stare at him in silence like mindless puppets. Hell, half the time I swear its the same art being reused over and over with tweaks. Its honestly starting to creep me out for some reason.
Blondie: So, what, Dagwood is a loan shark now? Is he gonna deal with people who don’t pay by sending Elmo to their houses with a baseball bat?
FC: At first glance I thought those cabinet handles above Thel’s head were sweat plewds.
FC: Once Billy’s gone to bed Thel will squirt that canned icing into her mouth and wash it down with gin.
Phantom: Is Stripeybutt going to add those guards he coldcocked to his treasure room collection?
It reinforces the theory that the balloon’s going to lift off with Olive. They’d want to save that for Sunday.
@Anonymous:
Uh, no. Josh isn’t trying to say “In that it doesn’t make sense”, he is using THAT as a way to unite two clauses “Crankshaft is making wordplay with the word ‘weiner’ in it” and “Crankshaft’s wordplay does not make sense”.
His pr00freading is fine, you’re the one with bad reading comprehension.
(Wait, if I’m an anonymous too, does that mean I *could* be you? Maybe I’m the idiot, I guess?)@Needless Exposition: Believing that men and women can’t be platonic friends is arguably the LEAST creepy, problematic, and downright stupid belief that Moy seems to express in this series.
Pluggers: Wait! Where did he get those Velcro stick- on ice packs? (clicks over to Amazon)
@Everything Is Better With Monkeys: The “baby legs” character designs of Blondie amuse me, as it seems to be one of those things that really jumps out to those who pay attention to such things, but most readers probably have never given it a second thought. I’ve noticed that it’s one of those design quirks that is relegated to secondary and incidental characters.
It also amuses me because I have short legs, but they’re not like that, lol.
RMMD: are there plans to make this storyline interesting? Could Rene Belluso plagiarize one of Augie’s novels? Could The Streetsweeper make an appearance? The ennui is amazing.
There was a case near me a few years ago where the homeowner put in a flowerbed with native prairie plants, and the HOA complained it looked untidy. He checked the law, and what do you know – in Illinois it’s legal to plant native prairie anywhere, and the state law overrides the HOA regs. So he redid his entire yard in prairie. (Apologies for non-comics chatter, but it’s such a great story.)
@ectojazzmage: Sadly, you are correct. Between the massive amount of narcissistic behavior, borderline illegal activities being shoved under the rug, some really twisted relationships (Wilbur and Dawn’s incredibly creepy codependency, Ian clearly having a thing for easily manipulated women young enough to be his daughter, Dr. Jeff either being closeted or cucked), and “DOGS ARE GOOD,” Moy would make a therapist very rich.
@Ken:
So Mary does down first and makes small talk, then the only person who knows how to operate a balloon, Stan the Man, goes down, and then freed of their negative energies, the balloon somehow ascends (despite now hours without running the hot air gas flame) taking Olive to some far away land …
smash cut to Olive waking up in the hospital back in New York. She had a near drowning episode trying to save the girl on the beach and all of the later events were all a feverish dream.
MW: “Rescue Dog” has a completely different meaning these days now that pet owners have become intensely smug about adopting somebody else’s fucked-up animal.
”No, Eve….I mean we should drop them both off at the dog pound and have them put them up for adoption! If there are no takers within two weeks, they turn on th’ gas! Cool, huh?”
@Little Guy: … or maybe it’s just some escapee from the Lunatic Asylum cosplaying as a health food inspector.
(Really, before I clicked on today’s comic, it crossed my mind.)
GT: Good grief, and I thought the riches the Spencer-Parker-Driver clan received in pre-Ces JP was bad….
Curtis: “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Curtis’ friend is being mean to me FOR NO GOOD REASON!!!”
“NOW, you’re part of the family!”
@lynn: Charlotte’s the one with the “my little Cthulhu” t-shirt, right?
GT: You know, if this leads Gil to be the new Ted Lasso, I’m fine with the plot.
@treetown: I’d be happy if Olive and the balloon simply blew way, way out over the Pacific Ocean.
Mary: “Can you send a helicopter?”
State Official: “Are you willing to pay for this helicopter?”
Mary: “My, my….look at the time!”
Brewster Rockit: Hey! Who wants “Baby Shark” stuck in their brain pan?
“Wiener off” with baby aspirin? That’s way cheaper than Viagra. Thought some other guy…