Romantic successes
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Crankshaft, 3/6/26
It’s been more than three years since Funky Winkerbean ended, but, just as a dying star occasionally fires off occasional bursts of radiation, its sister strip Crankshaft still sometimes serves up new bits of Funkyverse lore. Like, did you know that Pam and Jeff’s son and his partner weren’t married, but now, like several years after having a child, their accountant noticed that they could squeeze out a little bit of extra tax savings for their dying movie theater if they “put a ring on it”? I’m pretty dubious that the numbers on this make that much sense, but as always in Crankshaft, the point is just to set up a truly execrable bit of wordplay, so, mission accomplished, I guess.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/6/26
Oh, man, remember when Truck and Mud were briefly rivals for Wanda’s affections, a rivalry that ended in total victory for Truck? Well, now it looks like Mud, who earlier this week was grousing that the Glenwood Motel’s waitstaff shortage would relegate him to eating alone in his room, is going to have his own small-town waitress to successfully woo … and this one’s an ex-Hollywood starlet to boot! In your face, Truck!
110 replies to “Romantic successes”
Doug: “That is your table, Ms “Helter Skelter” Clodfelter.”
Mud (at table): “I just had inspiration for a belter!”
RMMD – Will Mud get revved up by the name Clodfelter and then have his romantic urges cool when he finds out that’s not her real name. I could see that happening because Clodfelter is definitely a turn-on name.
This inspires a lovely round for us fellas of “Wouldja Rather?” with Wanda or “Clodfelter” (really lady?) here.
The answer is flip a coin, then kill yourself.
Wary Morth:
What a nice orange cat!
RMMD:
“You know, Miss, it’s really serendipitous that your last name happens to be Clodfelter, because throughout school, my nickname was ‘Clodpate’ !”
Mary Worth Mashup: I couldn’t be the only one who thought of this final panel.
RMMD: Ah, the good old Plot-O-Matic 3000 grinds another out. Reliable, but not innovative — we had, what, five to ten commenters predict this two weeks ago.
Mud is basically wet clods, right? So, in order to marry Lorna, Mud just has to make her w… you know what, forget I even thought that.
When I saw the headline “Romantic Successes” I was expecting commentary on Hi and Lois.
I enjoy their use of “tax accountant.” Are accountants THAT specialized? Do they have other accountants for other things? Possibly for stuff that isn’t even financial? Please, God, have a Sandwich Accountant!
CS: Am I the only one only one who thought those two were married all along?
Crank – Robbing Peter Pan to pay RuPaul….
RMMD – Heavy Waitstaff….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Does this mean this cat LOVES Mondays, and eschews lasagna at every opportunity?
RMMD: I sure hope CLODFELTER isn’t some kind of fore…shadowing.
@Bono Vix: But would a marriage that happened in a defunct comic strip still be valid in a different strip that uses the same characters but, for legal reasons, never refers to events in the first strip? This is a deeply philosophical question that needs detailed discussion, but unfortunately I am completely out of CBD edibles.
RMMD:
“Mister, why is it that there’s a photo of Liberace on the wall behind you?*
Pam looks somewhat peeved at the news that her son’s married. Did she not get an invitation? Did they have a secret wedding with no guests? This could have been a mildly interesting plot arc of family drama, but sure, let’s skip to the explanations.
Crankshat – Is it possible they could get married and incorporate? What kind of execrable wordplay could Ed make out of that? The possibilities make me tingle.
CSh I like how Ed just emerges from behind the couch to deliver his standard nonsensical malpropism. He’d been crouched down there for hours!
RMMD: Are you sure you don’t have any clods that need felting? That’s more my speed.
Crankshaft: This would be a great joke if there had been literally any mention of internet payment in the previous panel. Otherwise it’s just “Crankshaft pronounces ‘Paul’ with a slightly more fronted mid-open vowel sound”.
RMMD: Lorna’s career trajectory went from “Single White Female” to “Double Wide Female”
RMMD:
Nothing says “confident professionalism” quite like a tie paired with a short-sleeved white shirt.
I like that the photo on the wall is Truck. You might wonder why characters who are obsessed with roots country music only ever talk about two musicians; it’s because Mud and Truck are the only two roots country musicians on the planet.
@Bono Vix: No, all of us Funkyverse snarkers were equally surprised to learn this. Especially considering that these two have been together for years, and have been business partners about a decade (considering the age of their child, who was conceived over the course of the strip’s run). So even if this is a valid suggestion, it’s way too late.
We’re mostly trying to guess the details of pizza/superhero costume/book signing/Winnipeg Blue Bombers-themed multiple wedding/Lisa tribute/childbirth ceremony this is setting up.
While everyone else is smiling wryly, Crankshaft is angry. They did Peter so dirty!
“Well, ‘Murphy’ *is* a better last name than ‘Clodfelter,’ so what the hell?”
RMMD: I have a financial question. Do you think the wages earned by a waitress at the Glenwood Motel Cafe are going to be high enough to cover the expenses of that same waitress renting a room at the Glenwood Motel, or is Ms. CLODFELTER going to have to work nights to make ends meet?
CS: Say what you will, Crank really has a handle on home automation. With a few clicks, he’s dimmed all the house lights and lit the track lighting to focus on him and the couch group for his little bit. The boy exclaims; “Now do Lucky’s speech!”
Crankshaft:
Today’s “Crankshaft” proves beyond all doubt that there is a multiverse in which everything that could logically occur must exist in at least one universe, because otherwise, the constellation of words thrown together that we see in today’s strip could not possibly occur in any reality.
RMMD: What a performance! Luann, or whatever she’s called, looks, talks, acts exactly like an aging diner waitress. Far more so than model Ashlee
MW: watch your words, Mr. HH. Your host is a well known gossip, rumor monger, back stabber. Do NOT tell her anything personal. Why she’ll probably try also to demean your new love.
GT: “Can we do something about the way your face keeps shifting around, Gil?”
“We’d have to do something about that for everybody in this strip.”
FG: I’m figuring something is up with this return of Ming, and of course the witchy queen, who is witchy even for a Witch Queen more than likely has something to do with it.
Andy Capp: Andy was getting these guys to buy him drinks, but at this point he’s so drunk he’s forgotten all about it! He has even less idea of what’s going on than his fellow, red-nosed drinkers!
Mark Trail: “Of course, taxes! That’s why Tad Crass is hosting the Timber Olympics…because…uh…well I will just have to slap an explanation together tomorrow.”
DT: Finally, a graphic head-shot in a Tracy strip!
MW: nice “posing” by rubber cat today. Or did Sid find a flesh&blood substitute on demand?
@Baja Gaijin: perfect
@Bono Vix:
#11. CS: Bono, I sure did. How could they possibly have a kid without being married?
Rex Morgan, M.D.: [Extremely Tom Servo voice] Oh, I get it! They’re going to fall in love!
A nice story to tell the kids:
“Dad, how did you meet mom?”
“Well, it all started when I faked shitting myself on stage…”
Also Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Clodfelter” was of course Anglicized from “Klumpenfilzer” due to anti-German bias during World War I. I don’t know what this has to do with anything, but it’s Rex Morgan, M.D., I don’t know what anything has to do anything.
Crankshaft: The advantage of incorporation over marriage is that if you do get in a jam and wind up owing Paypal big time, Peter Thiel will accept your child’s blood in lieu of a monthly payment.
RMMD If she’s got her millions, why isn’t she just playing incognito tourist? If they wanted her to meet Mud, she could have been studying for a waitress role in some passion project and it would make a million times more sense.
Phantom I’m with the underlying here – your organization takes orders from a disembodied voice and answers to no country’s military hierarchy but you’re going to start worrying about the niceties of international legal jurisdictions now?
RMMD: The photo on the wall marks the location where Freddie Blassie penned his groundbreaking roots country hit Pencil Neck Geek.
@Baja Gaijin: You ain’t the only one.
Six Chix : what “puzzle game” did she solve? The Lament Configuration!?
@A Grave Mind: That would be Dagwood.
It wouldn’t be so bad if the word play made even a bit of sense, but this reeks of someone thinking “‘Paypal’ sounds a little like ‘pay Paul'” and forcing it into a comic no matter what. Is meeting a deadline like this worth the cost to your soul?
***
“Clodfelter” is an actual surname so I don’t know why buddy there is stumbling over it and acting like she called herself “Zhazzheff Pfeffereff” or something.
The bot keeps eating my comments. Apologies for the repeated jokes if they come through.
@Terry Rhoden: FG: Someone on the CK comments speculated yesterday that this was an imposter Ming. Maybe Azura conjured him whole-cloth? They certainly seem very buddy-buddy.
Crankshaft-“Uh, is he having a stroke?”
Marvin-“I’m going to burn this place to the ground.”
RMMD-Clodfelter? Most people just call themselves Smith when signing the registry.
MW-It’s so hard for H@rv3y to keep the stories about his “daughter” Sharon straight.
FC-“Reminds me of the commune,” Mommy says, “We were always sharing.”
FC: “Sharing, sharing, sharing! It’s so stupid. I need all the toys to delay the poor decisions of my peers, i. e. the boys break them. The goodness of the outcome outweighs the goodness or badness of the action itself.”
Rex Morgan, MD – As a sturdy woman, myself, I like seeing that Glenwood has its share of bigger gals. Between Mindy, Wanda, and Ms. Clodfelter here, you know they can keep a Lane Bryant in business. Sure, you still have June, Summer, and Michelle holding down Fashion Bug, but there’s something for everyone in Glenwood. Not like good old “No Fatties” Santa Royale.
@Comically Challenged: Well, I’d noted at the time that the giant hologram announcement growing out of a Kiran corpse could easily be some deepfake so why was everybody panicking. There are breadcrumbs to show how Ming survived the crashing ship, but it would be delightful if the real Ming pops up to derail an Azuran imposter-Ming
@Activist: That’s the rubber cat, alright. You can tell it’s the facsimile feline because the Doves o’ Love aren’t too nervous to fly near Mary’s window. Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! is still working on the live talent, and I asked The Ladies to avoid gendering the rubber one to give Sid time to work the problem. Hence, the name “Muffin” which works for either gender. I’m a little worried, though, that the bow tie on that box of FINE BELGIAN CHOCOLATES is going to end up around Muffin’s rubber neck, in which case I think the die will be cast.
MW: I don’t know why the cat being not orange makes me irrationally angry, but here we are. Either the colorist didn’t bother to even glance at the words in the strip or Moy randomly had Mary announce her intentions for an orange cat only to have her change her mind offscreen. There’s so little thought and so much carelessness in a dying medium that can’t afford either flaw.
@Schroduck: As someone said recently, probably also about Crankshaft, the characters can’t read other characters’ speech balloons.
@Comically Challenged:
I suspect, didn’t she ask him how he liked his new form, or somesuch? Also, I mean, c’mon, hot witch queen.
RMMD: Full credit to the creators for trying to bridge the social/economic/partisan divide plaguing America by transforming the strip from a showcase for whiny upper-class folk to real workin’ peepul with names like Truck, Mud and Wanda. Let the healing begin!
CS – It seems odd that Max and Hannah would announce that they’re getting married at a pill-popping party. Usually those include putting housekeys in a bowl.
Crankshaft: As someone who is married to his wife in the eyes of the Lord but not the state, I find myself especially unimpressed but also unsurprised by this turn of events. The entire cast of the Funkyverse WOULD be the exact kind of people to throw themselves full-speed into government-encouraged conformity just for the sake of some minor financial fluff.
Rex Morgan: I wanted to make a joke about how this will actually lead to a story of Mud getting kidnapped by a crazy stalker, but than I remembered the last time Rex Morgan did a kidnapping story it instantly degenerated into Rene, Mud, and Truck just kinda sitting around in a hotel room bickering about whether or not to order room service.
@Ukranazi Stepan: if Mud gets lucky, you say he felt her clods.
C’shaft: I’m guessing Pam’s going to be upset that her child is getting married for such an unromantic reason. Unlike her, who got hitched to Jeff thanks to the ruptured condom that ended up producing Max.
RMMD: Clodfelter? Honey, you’re hiding out in Glenwood, not Hooten Holler.
@ectojazzmage: Rene, Mud, and Truck just kinda sitting around in a hotel room bickering about whether or not to order room service.
The tension was unbearable, especially when they started debating tipping in hotels.
@Charterstone: Dune:
Are you trying to comment on ‘Mary Worth’? The new character’s name is still censored.
RMMD: Maybe Clodfelter is her real name and she still has a driver’s license and SSN with that identity. Or maybe you don’t need proper documentation in Glenwood.
We see now why Mud’s picture on the wall had to “disappear.” When they meet cute she will not recognize him as a big roots country star
RMMD-“We’re in need of a night maid if you know what I mean.”
RMMD – Kid, if you’re going to work the front desk at this kind of a motel, you’ll have to get better at hiding your doubts about the fake names people give you.
Crankshaft – Given Batiuk’s track record, I have to assume that this bizarre setup is just another excuse to bash the younger generation. Oh, these kids today with their tax accountants and their limited liability corporations!
Don Abundio, translated:
“The boss is playing darts again, Polonio?”
“And something just occurred to me”
“They’ve hit me but they never hit each other”
Dustin: Please, what’s the gift certificate for, ten bucks? That won’t even cover the 7-inch Oreo Cheesecake Dustdad orders for dessert (no, of course he’s not sharing), let alone dinner for three.
GT: First off, if you’re trying to recreate the pose from the Wicked poster you’ve got it backwards…
JP: Ann knows that this is just the fifth whisky talking, and acts accordingly.
Luann: This isn’t executive dysfunction; it’s more like “executive needs to be committed to an asylum and given shock therapy.”
MW: I kind of wish Jeff would show up to see Widower Hart arriving at Mary’s door in his best ascot and pocket handkerchief with a ribbon-wrapped box of chocolates under his arm and immediately get the wrong idea.
And of course Mary’s cat is named “Muffin.” Of course.
Donald Duck appears to be showing his bare duck ass to Heathcliff. He has the wherewithal to wear pants but refuses to wear any pants. This would be a lot funnier if it were Ziggy in the birdbath who also refuses to wear pants.
RMMD – Hollywood actors often go to great lengths to physically transform themselves for a role, so it’s no surprise that Lorna would pack on the pounds to become a waitress in a small town diner.
GT: They’ve gotten around to ordering the wedding invitations.
That gives the GT team the ol’ “George Costanza Off-Ramp” if they tire of writing the Gil-Beth storyline.
GA: Is this leading to some kind of Sunday Sermons payoff?
@Baja Gaijin: Hmmm, a grey muffin. Fittingly a hand warmer cat.
@A Grave Mind:
And the beauty is, that’s the same answer the ladies and male-attracted folks get when deciding between Truck and Mud!
@A Grave Mind: RMMD- Definitely Wanda. In the back seat of her 2015 Honda!
DT: OK – so the mystery is who is aiming the scope at this guy? is it a drone? Is it a guard? Is it Mumbles grumbling about idtzs?
GT: Have we met Gil’s mom in the past? I don’t know the distant past of this strip.
JP: Is that a scene shift sandwich? Next scene we are in the kitchen?
MW: Mary is working fast (for her) and got a NOTORANGEcat. Maybe it is color separation error.
Phantom: Citizenship? Badges? This is jungle patrol not the crossing guards.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: I could see that happening because Clodfelter is definitely a turn-on name.
My favorite HS math teacher’s last name was Clodfelter. He was lanky and old, and exactly as homely as his name would suggest he’d be. But a fine man, and I enjoyed learning from him.
RMMD: ClodFELTER??? I barely clodKNOWER.
GT- “I like this paper. Now let’s use some to wipe this booger off the side of your nose.”
@Goulde Fische: Hey, thanks, Goulde, for stalling The Ladies til we get a live Feline in place. Thanks to my international connections, we hope to be in business by tomorrow. Or maybe Sunday – depending on how many customs agents and border guards we hafta “compensate.”
Not sure why they wanted an appearance today, by the Doves o’ Love Plus 2… and why they’re showin’ up purplish gray. Must be the lighting over there. Surely they aren’t suggesting romance between Mary and Harv? I guess since Dr. Jeff has been outed as a poseable they may be givin’ him the heave-ho
Are we still on for Happy Hour at The Watering Hole later? Drinks on me this week!
Luann-Now Luann shall engage in ‘The Hunter S. Thompson’ method of writing.
The Familliar Mucus: “P.J.,when you lose your ‘cutes’, the Commudgeons start calling you ‘piggy’ and start accusing you of eating all sorts of non edible things….trust me, I KNOW!” “But you were never cute to begin with!” thinks P.J.
RMMD:
“That’s Lorna…Blodgett. Yes, Blodgett.”
“Okay, miss. I expect you’re not trying to pull a fast one on us simple townfolk.”
“Oh, you’re way too smart to fall for something like that!”
DtM has reached the peak of holistic comicness by reminding me of a joke and expecting me to laugh.
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Are we still on for Happy Hour at The Watering Hole later? Drinks on me this week!
____________________________________________________________
Mind if I tag along, Sid? I have to look the part for that “Drunk as a skunk” appearence you got for me for next week.
CS: We literally just spent a week of this strip discussing what turned out to be tax planning.
It’s a bit mind-blowing, though, that they’re owning and running a small business together without being married and without incorporating. Revenue and expenses just get run through their personal bank accounts? They’re just two individuals on the lease/mortgage? If a customer slips and falls, they’re personally liable up to everything they own? Once again, I’m paying more attention to this strip than Batiuk seems to.
I’m imagining this guy saying “Clodfelter” the exact same way the guy says “pie flavor” is ASDF Movie 2. In fact, that would be a superior strip. He says “Clodfelter” in that deep, almost-admonishing voice, there’s a guitar riff, and no more dialogue.
JP: Fix the Judge a ham and cheese on rye. Just a pint of rye would be more appropriate, though.
RMMD: “Enid Clodfelter” is Lorna Starr’s real name. She was clued in to the advantages of the alteration by her great-aunt, Francie Gumm.
FG: I think Azura was responsible for magicking up the giant hologram at the Mongovian Murder Olympics; that’s what she was talking to Ming about, not that she pulled him out of her hat. At least he has one capable stooge — Xillo the Dumb Shark Leader would have gotten a good box on the ears from the old Ming, and the other one looks like my grandma going as a trapeze artist for Halloween.
“Cheshire smile and dead eyes.” Please! My dick can only get so hard.
Fun fact: Did you know that Patsy Cline’s original last name was “Clodfelter”? (I think…)
@Tom T.: #84: Actually, Mason Jarre owns the place and pays Max and Hannah to run it for them, or has that been tossed down the memory hole. If not, Mason would be liable for any legal issues. If I was injured in that rundown theater, would I sue Max and Hannah, the lowly hired help, or the multi-millionaire movie star owner?
@Peanut Gallery:
I guess he’s very good friends with Capt Crunch,they apparently share one tea cup.
@Ukulele Ike: Please! My dick can only get so hard.
Can’t say I share that particular fetish, but you be you.
Crankshaft – Their accountant knows marriage makes life insurance payouts to the surviving spouse much easier than unmarried partners, which the accountant knows is the only way for the surviving spouse to rid themselves of the money pit of a theater with enough to start over again.
Rex Morgan, MD -This storyline is going to be the white-washed Hallmark version of Bagdad Cafe.
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: Did you know that Patsy Cline’s original last name was “Clodfelter”? (I think…)
If only there were an online compendium, perhaps based on hypertext technology, that could crowd-source answers to questions like this. Kind of like a Hypertextpendium, if we may coin a term.
Anyway our sources indicate the singer was born Virginia Patterson Hensley.
@The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers: I would have checked Wikipedia, but I’m posting from work, and for some reason they expect me to do my job. Sheesh! Anyway, I may have been thinking of Tony Curtis.
Blondie, The Neighborhood Bumstead: “Boy,I’m beat and I haven’t even been to work yet.” “Is there something that would help you feel better?” “Contributing to the annual Comics Curmudgeons Fund might be a good start.”
Today’s Blondie is ready to be converted into an ad, Josh.
RMMD: [Crow T. Robot voice] So Clodfelter, is that a *stupid* name or…
@TheDiva: On RMMD – is there a difference anymore?
P.S. Really, ‘Clodfelter’?? Was Galin Cognito copyrighted or something?
Mary Worth – I can’t believe that Mary didn’t prepare a dessert for this lunch. “Oh, great. We’ll have to eat his chocolate candy instead of my spectacular Charlotte Russe. I was expecting that he’d be telling everyone about it for weeks. And all those ladyfingers gone to waste. At least it’s Belgian chocolate and not that waxy crap the schoolkids are selling.”
S4th – I don’t get it.
Rex Morgan – She’s droppin’ her Gs already.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashup – Yup.
@Charterstoned: Well, those quarters add up. (I’m sure that’s the average waitress tip in Glenwood – what did you think I meant?)
@Lauralot: I can understand how it happened. Moy has to move the story along now so there are at least three weeks at the end for Mary’s victory lap.
Dustin: Of course, Dustin won’t be invited, but Dustdad and Dustsis will certainly cut him up behind his back all during the meal, while Dustmom just sits there and does nothing.
Crank: I’m amazed that Batty, with his year-long buffer, didn’t think to run “We’re getting married — not for romantic reasons, but because it makes sound fiscal sense in order to support our movie theatre, the Valentine” last month.
JP: “The last few months, my mind has been in … in a fog. But then you came back home, and now it’s all different.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe Katherine didn’t know the drinks cabinet has a lock!”
MW: Muffin is almost the perfect name for Mary’s cat, but the more I think about it, Salmon Square would have been slightly better.
OTF: Gosh, the suspense would be palpable if we didn’t know everything is going to be fine because it already happened five years ago in a different strip!
Phantom: “Say what!? We’re sending the locals to face local justice, but we’re taking the Bangallans back to Bangalla, for crimes they commited here, without actually discussing it with President Goranda first? How … how do you think extradition treaties work, sir?”
S4th: Okay, I think I’ve got it. The differences are:
1. In the first panel Ted is starting to get bored, in the second panel he’s completely lost the will to live.
2. The box behind Sally has an up arrow in the first panel and a drawing of a house with an outsized roof in the second.
3. In panel 1, Sally is holding the box with the fondue set. In panel 2 the box is actually empty.
4. Kittycat sleeping in one of the boxes behind Ted in panel 1. In panel 2, she’s just off-panel under their feet, ready to trip them up when they’re carrying something valuable.
5. The whole scene is secretly being monitored by the Evil Haunted Doll in the first panel, but not the second.
6. The empty white void next to the first panel represents what’s going through Ted’s mind. The one next to the second represents Comics Kingdom’s quality control.
(Hopefully, this whole bit will stop making sense soon.)
Zits: Zits, you are a comic I actually quite like, most of the time. One of the reasons for this is that you’re not freaking Dustin. Don’t try to be Dustin.
Bad Machinery: While I’m in the Krieger-from-Archer reference mode….Charlotte Grote has certainly grown up into one slinky young minx.
@I speak Jive: @Horace Broon: re: S4th: You can view this morning’s unscrewed-up comic at the USA Today online funny papers. It’s not that funny, unless you are a Game Nerd, I suppose.
I haven’t read Mary Worth in a week and I just caught up and I’m shocked. This is a stunningly timely subject matter for a Mary Worth plotline. I wonder if the scammer guy’s escape from the compound is going to be a subplot or if it’s just window dressing for the real, boring story about how the old guy’s daughter doesn’t talk to him enough?
@Noel:
This is ‘Mary Worth’. The real story about the man and his daughter.
RMMD: We’ve been informed that Lorna has “millions of dollars in the bank,” so this story may be the most senseless RMMD story of the past decade. I bow.
@Horace Broon:
I would argue Zits and Dustin are cousins. Both need a big winding kick in the ass and whatever additional pain you feel appropriate. Metaphorical or not. The two two could slug it out for King Asshole.
@I speak Jive: On S4th: If you haven’t already, click on the image as you would to increase its size in the Comics Kingdom site.
Mary Worth appeared in the advice column in my local paper! True story! Herewith a partial quote, obviously “Vera” is Mary.
—-
I have been best friends with “Vera” for more than 35 years. She was a great support when I went through a divorce in my late 30s and always was insightful.
Throughout our friendship, she was always trying to “help” everyone and in the majority of cases it was unsolicited and unwanted.
@I speak Jive: RMMD- Gotta remember…she’s an actress.
Crankshaft handing out Halloween candy in March. Maybe it’s time to start reviewing those senior living pamphlets.
BLONDIE: It might be funny if our heroine were a boss like Mr. Dithers, and tended to get mad and beat up on Tootsie and Maya.