Who needs the TV show to experience a dark, gritty Riverdale
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Hi and Lois, 3/9/26
Happy Monday, everyone! It’s another week and another entry in what’s quickly becoming my favorite genre in the comics: Hi and Lois muses melancholy on a single, ephemeral moment and forgets to deliver a punchline. “Isn’t this what the groundhog predicted?” Hi says, barely audible — but that’s fine, as he isn’t really talking to Lois anyway. “Isn’t it true that none of us can bend Fate to our liking?”
Archie, 3/9/26
Archie is traditionally a happy-go-lucky guy who rarely experiences distress deeper than some minor romantic slight at the hands of one of his two beautiful girlfriends. I’m not saying I like the fact that he’s experiencing some sort of profound mental disturbance right now, but at least it adds a little depth to his character.
Mary Worth, 3/9/26
Oh wow. Oh wow. Exactly the wrong thing to say, Harvey. Mary was going to try to gently guide you away from your current troubles by means of her judicious advice. But now? Now she’ll simply watch impassively as you let your sexual urges and romantic vanity override your good sense and lose everything, until you’ve sent your last bitcoin and abruptly stop receiving blatantly AI-generated photos of a twentysomething gal with a huge rack, until you need to take the bus down to the pawn shop to hock your only remaining cravat. You’ll look up and shout “Save me!” and she’ll look down and whisper “No.”
92 replies to “Who needs the TV show to experience a dark, gritty Riverdale”
Dustin: When one has a queasy stomach as big as DustDad’s, it’s hard to ignore. Ask any male plugger to confirm.
Very considerate of the artist to put a photo of Archie on the wall in panel two so we know what he’s supposed to look like. He’s also in panel one, but getting bored and losing track of the cast between panels is a risk in Archie! I’m glad they can acknowledge it!
MW – To show Mary who the boss is, H@rvey H@rt is finally going to accede to Trixie’s request for dick pics. That will ramp up the sextortion business.
MW: Now the cat is orange. Because it’s Monday.
Archie: The first submission of “crab lice” didn’t make it past the syndicate’s censors.
Archie: He’s afraid of bedbugs in his own room? Probably caught from whatever passes for a sofa in Jughead’s grungy apartment.
H&L: I like how Hi’s face looks almost panicked as he realizes that the groundhog’s prophesy has come to pass. “My god, he really has the gift. Let’s go to the zoo, I need to ask him how I will die…”
Archie: Hmm, any guesses as to what Archie was afraid of the first time this art got trotted out? West Nile Virus? Lyme disease? Y2K? Impossible to tell, really.
MW: Jesus, that is one dark hallway. Why did Mary decide to host her luncheon at her underground lair?
Archie: Shouldn’t Mr. Andrews be more concerned that as Archie is turning in for the night, “#1 Mom” is still in her housecoat, eating a piece of cheesecake with her bare hands?
Shyflock Cox – Even if Count Weirdly’s diabolical plot is foiled, Slylock and Max are still trapped in cages. I’m no Slylock Fox, but I might still be a little bit worried.
“You’ll look up and shout ‘Save me!’ and she’ll look down and whisper ‘No.'”
Do you really think that MW would pass up the chance to passively-aggressively gloat through meddling? She might want to just say “no” like that, but she doesn’t have the self-control to resist her meddling inclinations.
JP: Katherine was just about to ask ‘Who is it?’ as Ann so passive-aggressively suggested when the door was blasted off its hinges as a Soviet-era truck, dripping wet and covered with seaweed smashes through the wall and into the house.
CIApril, Randy and Bogdan climb out and hop down. ‘Hiya Mom and Pop!’ Randy says. ‘Didja miss us?’
Bogdan makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet.
CIApril whips out her bread knife and within seconds slaughters the whole lot of them, the police show up and pump her full of lead and the comic ends. Please? PLEASE?????
Pluggers suggestions are coming from just outside of Austin now? The virus is unstoppable, creeping insidiously into every town, and we are all doomed.
“I don’t need your advice, Mary. Good day!” Ian has a sampler on the wall of his den with those exact words.
@Guts Dozier: And drinking a mug of coffee as big as her head?
Archie: “Where did he get an article on bedbugs?” [#1 Mom takes a long sip from her mug, smirking]
@pugfuggly: Forget it, Pug. It’s Santa Royale.
Mary Worth: HE WHO WILL NOT WEAR PURPLE WILL HAVE NO PART IN THE SALVATION OF OUR LORD MARY WORTH
Hi and Lois: Actually, the groundhog predicts that a bunch of drunken yahoos in top hats will yank him (or his taxidermied remains) from his underground lair for a stupid, antiquated festival every February 2nd. The rest of it is on them.
FG: “I was told specifically there would be NO GRAPNELS.”
Next: Gorma????
GT Not content with bad art, we’re adding bad spelling now, too?
MW Ah yes, kittens grow to cats by .. um … molting to their final colour, right?
MW: “I believe if you check your Charterstone rental agreement, Harv, you’ll find that not ONLY are you subject to my advice, which you clearly DO NEED, but also my surveillance, my intrusive social visits, and of course, my muffins. The baked ones AND this SWEET ootchywootchy one, my naughty little Muffin who keeps changing colors!”
@matt w: I wonder if the original was Archie going in to clean his filthy room at the start of a weekend, so it’s supposed to be Saturday morning
MW: Oh, it’s on now! Get the restraints and fire up Dr Phil and Catfish: the TV Show.
MW: “H____Y! Wait! You forgot to pay your bill!”
Archie : the best part of this “Archie decides to self-quarantine, complete with mandatory chirurgical mask” comic is that I’m pretty sure it’s over SEVEN years old, and thus has nothing to do with the events from 6 years ago one could assume it’s satirising!
…Too far?…***************
Crankshaft : Recently, Batiuk posted on his blog that one of the “comic strip rules” he’s particularly proud of bending/breaking is “the punchline should be the literal last word”, because “it’s more organic/natural if the punchline is buried in the middle of a line”.
I thought about it during the time it took me to realise Cranky said “Alley” instead of “Aisle”, and that’s what Mitch is talking bout.
***************
Frazz : By “I read in the Atlantic”, Caufield REALLY means “I saw the headline on my phone, and the most I did was check the source so I could give an answer if anyone asked me ‘where did you read THAT?’ ”
****************
Hi & Lois : “Winter won’t let go”, she says, because of some light (melting) snow fall while her yard’s grass is completely uncovered and verdant green.
***************
Luann : So, the fact that Luann sent the assignment one second too late is not gonna matter because it turns out that Mrs Fogarty isn’t going to grade them, she’s going to have her student
do her work for her andreview each other’s assignments?Huh, I guess Mary could be Rorschach, but I always thought those were liver spots.
H&L: I’ve been streaming a lot of 70’s made-for-TV horror movies lately and isn’t this the one about the couple kept virtual prisoners in their home by the telepathic groundhog in the yard?
DT: the three amigos break out!
GT: grounded at home with no electronics so it is card night? Is Parol some new slang?
JP: It is probably nothing. Just one of NOTCIAprils friends wondering if she had shown up here since they have been tracking a bloody swath across Norway Siberia Lapland
RMMD: Mr. Doug is too dim to be the owner manager. Who is the real boss? Please have Rex show up and notice the goiter. Starr is starting to resemble a sea lion.
Slylock: wouldn’t freezing slow the dissemination off gasses into the liquid. Just asking you know for science.
MW: Nice Rorschach reference! Hurm …
@Anonymous: Yeah, that looks like the mechanism the Evanses are going to use to let Luann skate on failing this assignment. I wonder if Luann will bother acknowledging that she got lucky here.
After 85 wholesome years Archie is finally going to masturbate but he’s still thoughtful enough to not want his parents to feel squeamish. Don’t worry, he’s already got a mop and bucket ready to clean up after himself.
***
Let him go, Mary. He’s wearing an ascot in 2026. He needs to learn a hard lesson before he starts sporting pince nez too.
Crankshaft: an example of how a broken clock can be correct. The kids don’t care what Pam thinks and clearly her vision is what matters to her.
Alice: You can scroll in the bathroom, Alice. Everybody knows this! Everybody does this!
MW: Ease up, Mary. Don’t meddle too much, too fast. You don’t want Harv’s rapidly ballooning head to explode all over your hallway, ruining your carpets, along with the minimalism of those ink-line landscapes!
Pluggers: I have my doubts about this Have Gun – Will Travel reboot.
CS: Crankshaft has a point here. TV and movies love to make “I do” the point at which the marriage becomes official, with characters trying to rush to that point, or prevent it from happening. The boring truth is that the couple becomes offically married when they file the paperwork with the government. The ceremony can happen before, after, or not at all. Also, sometimes a ceremony happens but the paperwork is never done, due to clerical mishap, outright fraud, or other reasons.
Dustin-Sounds to me like somebody has the symptoms of a heart attack. When Dustin Dad collapses will his coworkers call the paramedics or just roll him to the curb.
MW-“You’ll come back to me,” Mary yells, “You all come running back!”‘
MW-“Now don’t look at me while I mincingly run away.”
MW: “Wait until my friend Prince Andrew hears about this! You’ll be socially blacklisted!!”
H&L: “…and soon enough the cold winter wind will blow over our graves…”
As Our Town by Iris Dement plays in the background.
@pugfuggly: MW: Jesus, that is one dark hallway.
Charterstone has installed motion-activated lights for efficiency, so the hall light didn’t go on until HH stepped out. You’ll notice they’re rather sensitive — Mary’s apartment went absolutely black before she was completely out the door.
Today’s Baby Blues comic appears to have the parents on the couch with Daryll going at Wanda doggy-style.
MW: We must be about to find out that Mary has TWO cats. Today’s feline is not only orange instead of gray, but it doesn’t have the white front paws we saw on the original. Either that, or Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! is trying to pull a switcheroo.
Pluggers get roped in every time by the laxative salesman’s inventive business card.
Doing Nothing?………I can help.
FC: Dolly can’t stand to hear Billy read from his Gil Thorp compendium.
“Parol?! It’s parole; you idiot!”
Not sure what Archie’s end game is here, but it looks like it will involve a lot of lube.
GT: “Have you tried parol?”
“Jami you dimwit. Don’t you mean parole, with an e on the end?”
“No, I was referring to a decorative Christmas star from the Philippines. Dad loves those.”
Go ahead, Archie‘s dad, twist your mouth as far to the side as you can; that tiny moustache isn’t going to move.
MARY WORTH:
This is funny, But we all know that the only man our gal says “no” to is Dr Jeff, so, yeah, Mary and her muffins will be eager and ready to jump back on the meddling train on a moments notice (Mr. Ascot suffering a little until he’s at his lowest point will make the “victory” all the sweeter for her, of course)
Archie is making meth in his room, right?
You know there are a lot of animal stereotypes/jingoisms
But I never considered until now, with Groundhogs being infamous for predicting. Why aren’t Groundhogs interpreted as psychics?
H&L: *laugh-sobs in Colorado, where it’s pushing 70 today and we’re already getting fire hazard warnings*
MW: At least “Trixie” has helped Widower Hart keep up to date with the young ‘uns by introducing him to the Gene Wilder as WIlly Wonka memes.
C’shaft: Oh, I can think of a few characters I’d like to “tie the noose” right now…
Dustin: Sorry, I refuse to believe that Dustdad, a man who clearly believes he is the pinnacle of human society, has the self-knowledge or humility to be nervous about anything.
(Also, “my big presentation at work”? Did the writers forget that Dustdad is a lawyer, or do they assume lawyer is just Generic Office Job but with divorce and jail?)
JP: “Also let’s not do the thing where we forget to put the sound of the doorbell in.”
Luann: So, the Career Paths course so far has been a) middle school interview assignment and b) what I’m assuming is a personality quiz that, like pretty much every other personality quiz, is absolute bullshit. I think Luann’s getting about as much out of this by half-assing her way through everything as she would be actually putting in effort.
MT: You’re in the desert, Rusty. You also need to not die of heatstroke.
@TheDiva: MW: Though “Trixie” hasn’t covered more recent memes, like Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds in “Spirited”, or HH would have slammed out the door with “Good Afternoon!”
MW – Hello, Americans! It’s Paul H@rvey!
@Anonymous: The whole point of having the punchline at the end of the joke is to give the audience space to laugh–it’s like the “button” at the end of a song, which brings everything to a definitive finish and cues the applause. Batiuk hasn’t had to worry about people laughing at his punchlines in a long time, though, so I guess he’s free to put them wherever he wants.
Hi and Lois – At the mention of the groundhog, a crazed expression comes over Lois’s face and she reaches for Hi’s throat. “The groundhog! Slowly I turned… step by step… inch by inch…”
MW –
♪ Don’t know when I’ve been so blue
Don’t have a chance to keep meddling you
You’ve flexed my front door hinge
And don’t it make my gray cat orange
@The Rambling Otter: They’re more known for other things like robbing gardens and ruining lawns.
Don Abundio, translated:
“It’s a real honor to meet the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers”
“And learn new things about them!”
“We’ll be glad to fetch some water for their horses”
“I think they’re putting us on!”
Dustin: I’ve never had formal law training, but I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the first week they say “If you’re the shy type who hates to speak in public, the certified-public-accountant school is down the block.”
MW: Apparently cat talent is cheaper to hire by the day.
@pugfuggly: @Anonymous: The good thing is that this Archie strip can then be trotted out again when Archie finally loses his virginity to Veronica and reads an article about STDs.
@Charterstone: Dune: “Meddle red Corvette/Baby you’re much too fast, oh no/Meddle Red Corvette/Boy you need a nag that’s gonna last!”
Archie teaches an important lesson: “Don’t read! Learning more things about the world will give you no control over them, it will only increase your anxiety”. It is an especially valuable lesson given [gestures at world news].
“I don’t need your advice, Mary!”
“As if this ever stopped me!”
Archie’s parents put a picture of their son on the stairs leading to his room. Just like a nursing home needs to label rooms clearly to help dementia patients
While the heretical followers of Bill Murray are tying to change the meaning of “Groundhog Day” to mean “a stable time loop experienced by a single individual”, Hi holds faith in its true meaning, weather forecasting!
“He wears a raincoat in bed to avoid bedbugs!? I wish he was as much paranoid about STDs to wear a condom! Between love triangles and carelessness, Riverdale is practically Tom Lehrer’s “I got it from Agnes”!”
Hi and Lois:
“Groundhog? You mean ‘Punxsatawney Phil’ “?
“Nah. ‘Ticonderoga Thirsty’ !”
Gasoline Alley is refreshingly aiming for the ire of religious sorts who don’t like deathbed converts.
Crankshaft: Is Ed wearing an earpiece with Leroy Lockhorn feeding him lines?
BG&SS would line up perfectly next to today’s Archie.
Blondie: This guy is surprisingly more annoying than Mr. Dithers, which I never thought I’d say.
Zits: Is this a guest strip by McEldowney?
DtM: That’s the beginning of how Dad was in jail for Dennis’ fifth birthday. And sixth.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Lorna: “I could have gone anywhere, but I decided to go to the place where they don’t know what ‘metaphors’ are apparently.”
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): Lorna: “I just do the sensible thing and spontaneously go wherever song lyrics take me. Like last year, I was listening to the “classic hip-hop” station and ended up in the Eastside Motel that that nice Warren G. fellow directed me toward. It was ok until some guy thought I was a ‘horny trick’, whatever that means.”
JP: Who needs to ask, “Who is it?” anymore? If, on the freak off-chance, you don’t have a Ring (or generic brand) doorbell camera next to the front door, you surely have a peephole to look through. Or a window on or next to the front door. Even Mr. Rogers always looked out the window first before letting anyone in. And if it’s a bad guy on the porch, he’ll just lie if you interrogate him through the door.
S4th: Speaking of bad guys, guess who’s back!
Mary Worth as Rorschach is a delightful mental image.
@TheDiva: The main point though, is that much like any other quiz, Luann will be flunking it.
Hi and Lois: “Another cold morning, exactly like the last. Isn’t this what Groundhog Day predicted?” “You’re right, we’re doomed! I’d better go buy another $5,000 worth of insurance from Ned Ryerson.”
Archie: The more years that go by without them aging, the younger Archie and his friends were during the worst of COVID. At this point, they were around 12 — is it any wonder they’re screwed up today?
Dennis the Menace: “Classic Dennis the Menace” is exciting! Henry was trying to outdrive the motorcycle police in a major city? I’m not sure how Dennis’ ill-timed smart remarks could possibly make things worse in this case, but you have to admire his gumption.
Archie – Archie’s mom has a fond memento of her rap years in that “#1 MC” mug.
Dustin: How in all of these bathroom scenes this strip likes to do we’re always subjected to the sight of Dustdad’s gross, flabby, half-naked body but never a topless Dustmom?
@Rover Berkeley:
LandSharkCandy Gram!CS: Quit bitchin’ Pam. Since Hannah has no living kin you and your eunuch husband will be the ones paying for that big church wedding you’re fantasizing about.
A lot of comments on Barajas’s stupid misspelling in today’s GT, but no one’s noticing DT.
Or maybe BB Eyes is really looking forward to getting back home to his Vintage record collection.
RMMD- “I heard that song by the Rolling Stones, it was on ‘Black and Blue’…but I can’t remember the title”…
@2+2=7: Are we absolutely sure it will be Veronica? I’d like to see some odds.
Six Chex And A Cat Named Muffin introduces new lovable character Grumpy Poop!
Archie: It’s a good thing that framed portrait of Archie is in the second panel so that no one has to go back and reread the first panel to remember what he looks like without the raincoat and mask.
H&L: Please let’s not have Lois copy Sally Forth’s Seasonal Affective Disorder. It will only lead to Hi getting obsessed with Star Wars kitsch and Dot being ambiguously telepathic with whatever friends she’s supposed to have, and how much of that do you think the comics page can take?
MW: Mary’s acquisition of a cat could not be better timed. Rarely has the feline’s gentle indifference to human emotional turmoil been more apt.
MW:
“Come back, Shane! — oh, wait a minute, wrong drama….”
Hi and Lois-Norse mythology talks about a series of unending winters that kick start the end of the world. This is the beginning of the end.
Archie-Not a good sign when Archie is worried about bedbugs in his own home.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Come on….you know Betty’s not givin’ it up until she sees a ring.
Hi and Lois-The final battle is approaching. With the crowing of the cock Lois’ brother Beetle and all the other troops at Camp Swampy shall don their equipment and march out to fight the battle they have been training decades for.
Hi & Lois – Our whole city looks like a beaver colony (and not the fun kind you might be imagining) because we lost so many trees during the January ice storms, and there are brush piles everywhere. The good news is, we’re also in for a worse than normal tornado season – so that should finish off anything the ice storm didn’t. Today it’ll get up to high 70s (Nashville), and I had to turn on the A/C over the weekend (having just paid the exorbitant power bill for January). What I’m saying, Hi and Lois, is that we look to you for stupid one-off jokes – not a painful reminder of what havoc the weather hath wrought.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Ethel. (It was a desperate weekend for Archie).
GT – Good grief, the pharmaceutical ads have even invaded the comics now.
Augie Meyers, RIP.
(and yesterday, Country Joe McDonald)
Gimme an “F”
It’s been seven months since the last “Pibgorn”.
@Ettorre: There are two kinds of problems in the world.
Ones that you can solve, and ones that are out of your control.
The ones you can solve, being solvable gives no reason to have anxiety over.
The ones you can’t solve, there is nothing you can do about it anyway so no point worrying.
@UncleJeff: I don’t know if this is comment is a complaint or a celebration.
@Treetown:
Grounded with no electronics is better than electronics with no grounding.
@The Rambling Otter:
It’s a statement of fact.
…Which is incorrect; the last Pibgorn is dated August 9, 2024. The last Pibgorn dates back to 19 months ago.