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Dustin, 3/15/20

Incredibly, it seems that there must be a limit the amount of cross-generational abuse Dustin can absorb from his father, because apparently the hateful old man feels the need to leave the house to dump it onto others as well. Thanks for accommodating this gentleman as you’re wrapping up for the day, Starbucks employees! Probably you’ve walked through the steps of taking an order repeatedly over the past several hours, putting you pretty much on automatic pilot about what you’re doing. So here, let your last customer of the evening really theatrically make you feel like an asshole about it! Bet you wish you had locked that door exactly at closing time now, huh?

Mark Trail, 3/15/20

Mark Trail is many things — an adventurer, a sort-of dad, a murderer — but above all, he is a man of science. Some might claim that the pika is the cutest animal out there, but he won’t believe it until he sees a rigorous, peer-reviewed study proving it.