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Folks! Your comment of the week in a moment, but first: If you’re in LA on January 13, you can get some more laffs from me, live and in person! That’s because my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, is coming back on a new day (the second Friday of the month) and a new time (8:30 pm) but the same place (The Clubhouse in Los Feliz) and the same shtick (jokes about the Internet). Here’s the Facebook event!

And now, as promised: youuuurrrrr comment of the week!

“Santa’s most elderly, decrepit elves are kept out of the way with useless jobs — painting a handful of toys for the last two children on Earth who want wooden doll houses for Christmas — while the rest of the elves spend all year making the presents kids actually want. Bunky has been seconded to the team soldering GPUs into Playstation 5s, or possibly ghostwriting Logan Paul’s No Cap Bussin Fortnite TikTok MMA Dabbing Activity Book.” –Schroduck

And your very funny runners up!

“Rex Morgan, M.D. is setting up an extended story line where all of June’s advice is wrong (the guy in the parking lot has a concussion she missed, the one in the store is dizzy because he’s having a stroke) and she’s sued for multiple malpractice. This is a helpful reminder to all medical professionals from their insurance carriers: Be like Rex Morgan — don’t get involved.” –Ken

“The most deliriously batshit thing about this is the narration box, which promises us a ‘then’ and a ‘now,’ as though time had any meaning in Dick Tracy.” –pastordan

“Ugh, I hate when contractors always ask me stuff like this. Look, if I knew all the specific technical answers to questions like ‘Who exactly do you want to have killed?’ I’d just do it myself! Just … take a look and fix it, okay?” –jroggs

“I prefer to think that between the panels Thirsty made a single burger, put on the condiments, plated it, and brought it to the couch, staring directly at Hi the whole time (the problem with this theory is that Thirsty has no eyes).” –matt w

“I love how this strip will spend days describing (but barely showing) sports matches that have no effect on the plot, and just two panels to say goodbye to a central character who has been present for decades(?). ‘That’s Milford Junior Sports Program manager to you, coach!’ ‘Ha ha, indeed. Insert joke here, my friend, insert joke here…’” –pugfuggly

“Gil knows that the basis of a successful conditioning program for his student athletes is making them power-walk from one side of the gym to the other for hours until they’re light-headed and ready to drop!” –Thelonious_Nick

“I like the detail that Santa says ‘Attention all elves.’ He is calling a specific elf to his office, but he wants all elves to be aware of his mighty power to surveil and discipline at any moment. I would expect no less by the master of Panopticon, who ‘knows when you’ve been sleeping, knows when you’re awake.’” –Ettorre

“Well. Crap. Zak only has stubble on his chin. It’s one thing to have Iris look like Nan, it’s a whole other horror if he turns into a second Ian.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Is there anyone Zak’s age at the wedding? Other than his stepson, of course.” –Professor Well Actually

“This one doesn’t sound quite right. A true plugger will tell you about the time they had the most painful ingrown hair you’ve ever seen.” –Hibbleton

“Wilbur once again expressing how sexually intimidated he is by Zak with one breath, planning fantasies with the next in which he doesn’t so much reconquer Iris as happen to be present when she’s forced to settle for him, and doing the whole thing with a smile on his face. Get ready to have your previously-rocked world resteadied, he thinks, followed by a wink and a double thumbs-up. Honestly, this is the consistently amazing psychosexual weirdness you just don’t get at Rex Morgan, M.D.” –Dan

“No, I meant are you medically okay? Because there are multiple signs that you are not, starting with your facial expression and your lack of bladder control.” –Anonymous

“Having fought each other to a draw on the field of sentimental glurge, Iris and Zak resort to literally butting heads in the manner of rams competing for dominance.” –Peanut Gallery

“I object to this strip’s insinuation that the cast of Mary Worth will go anywhere except Hell when they die.” –ectojazzmage

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