Gloomy scenarios
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Beetle Bailey, 2/7/25
Unfortunately, Beetle’s little prank happened to fall on the morning when the coalition of America’s enemies finally launched their long-planned invasion. With Camp Swampy’s main NCO out of commission until hours after the alarm was raised, and its commanding general blind drunk, the 13th Infantry Division was undermanned, unprepared, and unable to hold the left flank during the decisive Battle of Hurleysburg. Sarge never did forgive Beetle, but they were kept in different internment camps — Beetle and Killer had predictably gotten separated from the rest of the company during the chaos and were captured miles away from the main battle front — and never saw each other again before Beetle died of dysentery two years later.
The Phantom, 2/7/25
Not to be outdone by the Sunday Phantom doing a flashback to the adventures of an early Phantom in 16th century Africa, the weekday Phantom is doing a flashback to an even earlier Phantom, specifically the very first one, seen here swearing an oath over his father’s killer’s crab-eaten corpse. He’s only spent a little time in Africa at this point, but in the second panel you can see that he’s already very sunburned, and it’s a little disheartening 22 generations of Phantom decided the solution to this problem was to focus on advances in skin-protecting lycra technology so they could keep importing white brides from Europe.
167 replies to “Gloomy scenarios”
Phantom: I know that someone is going to do a Yorick joke, so I’m not even going to bother towards “doing it first”
Play on commentors, play on :3
That’s not his father’s corpse. That’s his father’s killer’s corpse, the ignoble fate that was HIS DUE!! Location of Captain Walker’s corpse currently unknown.
Wouldn’t have pegged Beetle as a fan of early Stones. The writer of “The Phantom,” however, is giving a nod to “Tommy”-era Who. (“Capt. Walker didn’t come home…”)
Phantom:
“On the bright side ,he still looks better than Keith Richards!”
But… Beetle, there’s an open one right there, under the speech bubble. This is less of a prank and more of a spontaneous art project, and the Army has rules against creativity.
BB:. Decisive Battle at Hurleysburg. Hey, it’s in the (new) history books!
PHANTOM:. For the record, the crab-eaten corpse is that of his dad’s killer. Chowder, anyone?
BETTY:. What’s it called again when you carry a joke so far it borders absurdity, then crosses over?
BF:. They’re over age 18. Isn’t there a better term for their relationship then “boyfriend?
JP: Yesterday I was amazed Randy had ability to get drone’s footage. Finally he calls in the brains of the family. Either April or Char.
RMMD:. Smart of Augie to blacken his own eye before getting punched. If Augie is short for August, will they be known as Summer in August or vice versa?
GA:. Glad to see New Meow has gotten over loss of her children.
PEANUTS yesterday:. lOL literally. Haven’t we all done this, though hopefully not with impressionable chicks watching.
FC: Okay, the dog wearing the Boston scally cap is pretty cute.
@The Rambling Otter:
:1. Otter, glad you’re back and feeling punny.
“Hey, clearly he’s nailed down one Hell of a weight-loss plan! Amirite, Cathy? Ack?”
BB – That window sill is the most effective component of the Camp Swampy fighting capability….
Phantom – Don’t forget fancy silk balloon pants – long live fancy silk balloon pants….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW – It would be awesome if nerdy Jared drops bully Dirk with one punch, like Cousin Wilbur beating up Butch and The Woim in Our Gang.
CURTIS:. Finally, he gives her what she deserves.
FRAZZ:. Same question I asked first and last time my Grandpa took me ice fishing. Caught nothing but iced mittens. But thanks for the memory– I still miss him.
MW: honest question–does nobody in the bowling alley notice the asshole screaming?
MW: Notice how Jared is standing well behind Dirk as he meekly says ‘That’s enough.’ Don’t wanna get too close there, or even get between the angry man and the woman he’s loudly berating (in public!), you might get hurt!
SIGH! Where’s Wilburman when you need him…
JP: Oh noes! The footage from this random nature lover’s drone is ENCRYPTEDS!!! Whatever shall we do?? Who do we know who could possibly have experience with this kind of clandestine tactic??????
@Banana Jr. 6000: Yesterday you described Tiffany as ‘by far the most adult, down to earth, likeable character in that world.’ I’m sorry, but I have to push back on that. Especially in situations like this where she’s practically tearing her clothes off to get Kip on the rebound, Tiffany’s just as passive-aggressive as Bernice, as cowardly as Gunther, as sex-obsessed as Stef or Les, and as airheaded as Luann. It’s just that the other characters are written to be even worse, so she looks better by comparison. Maybe in the hands of competent writers she’d be a good character, but right now I’m just not seeing it.
@lark l: I think this is the deal. The second panel is reversed perspective from the first, so we’re looking at the outside blank white wall of the barracks rather than the inside. The open window is Beetle and Killer’s room, as seen by the speech bubble. Which means that there must be a wall between them and Sarge, and the light from that window won’t reach Sarge.
All of which is too much thinking about Beetle Bailey. If I want logic problems I can read Slylock!
I just realized that Slylock Fox is supposed to be named after Sherlock Holmes and not English literature’s most infamous antisemitic caricature.
@Chance: Should have used an AirTag.
That’s Phantomdad’s killer’s carcass, not Phantomdad’s own.
BB: “I reset Sarge’s alarm and painted his window black. Oh, and yeah, I murdered the bugler. Kinda buried the lede there, didn’t I?”
BB /alternate punchline/ “I’m reading tomorrow’s paper!”
Ph I like that ellipsis between ‘injustice’ and ‘cruelty’, as if our hero was really struggling to come up with other evils to fight. “Piracy! Greed! Um…uh…Rudeness! Errrr…Poor personal hygiene? “
Phantom: I want to know why the dead pirate’s corpse has been reduced to a skeleton but his clothes are still intact.
MW: “STOP IT! That’s ENOUGH, Dirk! Dawn is not a TOTAL LOSER. She has a couple of REDEEMING QUALITIES. I used to date her, so I KNOW. She doesn’t have many, I’ll admit. That’s why we BROKE UP. I learned I couldn’t CHANGE her—and neither can YOU. You should consider doing what I did. DUMP. HER. She’s not worth the rental on those bowling shoes, believe me. What say you, Jess, and I get together for some pizza?”
@Guillermo el chiclero: Polly-ester.
MW: I don’t frequent bowling alleys but I think an out of control screaming asshole would be making for an uncomfortable experience for everyone there. Why hasn’t security removed him?
@Guillermo el chiclero: Insects and carrion birds swarm in and eat the flesh, they don’t eat clothes.
MW Where’s Mark Trail when you need him? The mighty fists of justice are called for right now.
RMMD:
“Say, Mr. Goatee, aren’t you a member of The Beatnik Club?”
“The first rule of Beatnik Club is: ‘There is no Beatnik Club!’ “
Until they invented male primogeniture, medieval kingdoms regularly split when multiple sons all tried to inherit the same land. The Phantom saying “All my sons will follow me” suggests he’s about to discover this very problem. Are there lesser branches of Phantoms out there? The House of Phantom the Younger?
Phantom: Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it a little kind of… late, to do a origin story? Isn’t that the FIRST thing the comic is supposed to do back 70(?) years ago.
They may have even done so back then, so I have no idea if this is a recap or a retcon.
@Bob Tice: Or Johnny Depp, at this point.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
#21. PHANTOM. He was a bad guy–the crabs did him in. Comprendo?
BB: “Hey, Killer, how are you enjoying the latest issue of Halftone Quarterly?”
Phantom: “But, Dad, I want to be an oncologist!”
“I’m sorry, son. Your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather really hated pirates or something.”
The Phantom: First Phantom, whatever. I want to know more about these African tidal crabs who dance a merry victory jig on the crotch of their enemies’ skeletal remains. With evolution repeatedly moving toward carcinisation, it seems like it would be handy to know how many generations we have until we’re all happy little crabs!
B. Bailey: Sarge gets up for a “midnight” snack and is busted for parading around in his boxers at midday. He gets off when he convinces a drunk halftrack that it’s uniform of the day.
Beetle Bailey: I’ve got nothing on this particular episode, other than to say some of my brother’s college buddies actually did this to him once (turning off the power to his dorm room, rather than resetting the clock). Apparently, a 1980s Northland College undergrad could sleep for a very long time without cues! (Because they were all drunk off their asses.)
Despite the amateurish artwork, I really liked this Argentine graphic novel very, very much. Linking it for anyone who’d like to take a look.
https://readallcomics.com/mothballs-2024-part-1/
PHANTOM:
Put it on your calendar, folks. “Talk Like a Pirate” Day is September 19. (I don’t know if there’s a “Talk Like the Dessicated Corpse of a Pirate” Day, but if there is, maybe you celebrate it by exhaling one long “HAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr” that fades to silence.)
PHANTOM: Whoa! Is that pirate STILL right-dressing??!!
MW: I am once again asking someone to edit a mustache on Dirk and make him yell about pictures of Spider-Man.
MW: So Jared waited to intervene until Dawn retreated to a chair and curled up in the fetal position, did he? What a hero. Wilbur would be jealous.
MW: I can’t tell if Brigman intentionally is drawing Dirk to look cuckoo-pants deranged or if she doesn’t know how to draw normal psycho. Dirk’s face, particularly in the second panel is rather unsettling to me. STILL VERY HANDSOME. But pretty unsettling. Unsettlingly handsome. Oh Dirk, I forgive you…
Wait what just happened???
@Lauralot: As I commented on the CK site yesterday, it’s the worst Downfall parody ever.
What a much more entertaining path The Phantom could have taken if the first one fashioned a marionette out of those bones and scared evildoers onto the path of righteousness through the power of a spooky skeleton.
This Mary Worth storyline has been so offputting and upsetting that even the prospect of Jared getting punched in the face can’t redeem it.
I mean, it can still try. No point in not trying.
BB: Sarge figures it out when his reset alarm clock keeps flashing that it’s midnight.
@LTJpezcore1: Yeah, there’s something about Dirk’s yelling face that’s extremely weird. I don’t remember Estelle looking that deranged when she was shouting at Dr. Ed. Or Wilbur looking that way when yelling at Fabiana.
RMMD: “Is that some kind of insult? What in the heck is the deal here?”
GT: Um, Henry, perhaps today would be a good time to explain to your artist the difference between a swish and an airball, because it looks like she doesn’t know the difference between a swish and an airball.
Frazz: Mallett shits on ice fishermen again. Hey, Smuggy McSmugface, why don’t you do something daring and ridicule some triathletes for a change?
MW: Jeez, this is waaaay over the top, even for Moy. Coming tomorrow: Dirk beats Dawn with a tire chain.
The Phantom-“But, Dad, I don’t want to be an avenger of crimes. I want to be a baker.”
FC-“Oh how I long wish we were retired,” Jeffy says wistfully.
RMMD-She left and you followed her?
Beetle Bailey-And in case painting the window black didn’t work Beetle also sealed the door shut so Sarge won’t be able to get out. They’ll be hearing him yelling and clawing at the door for days until he eventually succumbs to starvation.
Beetle Bailey – Most of the Army’s plan relied on Zero’s sniper ability to take out the top battlefield leadership and leave the enemy in disarray.
The Phantom – I wonder if this is a rehash of the Phantom for the benefit some previously unknown group of younger readers (“younger” being about 45 years old) that have quietly gotten into the strip (probably through a Facebook fan group, where the older “youngs” still hand out), but perhaps this is the strip’s life flashing before its eyes before it finally succumbs to the pressure declining syndication.
The current creators of Beetle Bailey really imagine the military as being like a bad summer camp in a movie, don’t they?
RMMD makes me wonder if “dumped” is the term for leaving a jerk ten minutes into a first date. I’m old enough to remember when it was called “ditching”.
GT: An absolute wipeout of…three points in basketball is “under control”? Mudlark hoops is the biggest thing going on with DraftKings this week and Milford’s radio announcer has a lot riding on it.
BB — Well, at least we now know how the strip ends. . .
The Ghost Who Upholds the Existing Power Structures — I don’t want to go all Benito Cereno here, but many pirates were escaping cruelty and injustice when they decided to become outlaws (not to mention slaves who escaped).
Don Abundio, translated:
“Why are you wearing that sword, Admiral?”
“It’s very useful for spearing canapés when the tray comes around”
“Only girly-men use those dainty little toothpicks!”
“Plus, I love seeing your butler cringe in fear when I jab the blade at him!”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: I can’t even access the comments section on CK, I presumed that the site removed the comments for being “too toxic” and I’ve done nothing to warrant being banned.
@LTJpezcore1:
MW: I can’t tell if Brigman intentionally is drawing Dirk to look cuckoo-pants deranged or if she doesn’t know how to draw normal psycho.
I believe it’s the appropriate look considering Jared just goosed him.
@The Rambling Otter: What browser are you using? If I’m in Firefox I can’t see any comments on CK, but they appear when I’m in Chrome.
The Phantom: Characters talking to themselves, endless flashbacks, heavy nostalgia, women are sidelined to support the overgrown men child in their life, reverence for ancient comic books/superhero stories……wait, when did the Phantom become part of the Funkyverse? This reeks of Tom Batiuk.
@The Rambling Otter: I can’t either, but I stopped commenting on CK well before I couldn’t access it.
@The Rambling Otter:
I used to comment quite frequently on CK when they used Disqus. Once they switched to their own cockamamie comment software, I gave up.
BB: 🎵 I have a window and I want to paint it black 🎵
DtM: What’s the problem, Martha. I just enjoying Dennis….playing the bongos?
@Lauralot: Estelle was actually the one in particular I was thinking about.
@Hibbleton: I’m extremely sorry that this wasn’t #69 today.
Especially because upon second look you might be right…
JP- What kind of deep state does the Cavelton police department have that trying to get past an encryption in a drone will automatically be known by them? Hey Randy- try driving to the next town. BTW- My $ is on Sophie solving this
@Lauralot: @The Rambling Otter: Oddly, I can see the comments just fine using Firefox. The link is not very prominent — very small, down to the left of the strip in the favorites feed.
Full fathom none thy father’s killer lies;
Of his bones are crab chewed;
Those are sockets that were his eyes;
The odor of him should be eschewed,
He hath suffered from sea-rot
Into something both dead and yet not.
Shakespeare, The Phantom (disputed)
BB: Not only did Beetle spilled paint on the window sill, he left the paint can out and didn’t even clean the brush. It’s not surprising he never gets promoted.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Strange, I have no link at all in Firefox. I even moved my mouse around the entire area just to make sure I wasn’t missing something too small to see. Maybe it’s due to some extension in my browser?
@Lauralot: I’ve been using Bing only because it’s the default browser that came with my laptop (it’s a sort of new laptop)
I’ve been too lazy to download Google Chrome. I really should.
Phantom: I’m not the most well-versed in Ghost Who Walks lore, but wasn’t the original story that the first Phantom swore his oath of perpetual white man’s burden-dom on the skull of his father, not his father’s killer? Did someone decide that the skull of a generically evil pirate is slightly less gruesome than the skull of a relative? And how does he know this is the guy who took down his dad, anyway?
@The Rambling Otter:
Got google chrome
Hopefully it’ll work now, I’ll check in a few
RMMD: You might want to reconsider your choice, Summer. A guy who can change from Chandler Bing in P1 to Evil Spock in P2 can have a pretty good career in Hollywood…or dinner theater.
@The Rambling Otter: Nope, even with Chrome the comments section on CK seems non-existent.
GT: Rachel really needs to work on her basketball art. Third panel hand’s a foot again today.
Blondie: I heard that sports gambling fever had gotten bad, but I hadn’t realized it was so addictive that it could even make Dagwood a hard worker.
@The Rambling Otter: Elon Musk’s guys must have deleted the wrong accounts.
MW: Jared will prove to be a shockingly good fighter. After he punches Dirk’s lights out Dawn will jump Jared. Jess will then jump Dawn. All of this will be performed over the unconscious body of Dirk the asshole.
Beetle Bailey-“And just to be safe I emptied a clip into Sarge’s head.”
C’mon, Beetle. Watch the classic Looney Tunes short “Mouse Wreckers” and learn how the pros use window tricks to psychologically torment their enemies.
MW: why aren’t bowling alley security beating the shit out of Dirk? He’s ruining everyone’s evening.
@The Quiet Man:
Imagining he’s doing The Phantom monologue over Zak’s waterlogged corpse while Iris and Estelle catfight over who gets to rub sunscreen over his hairy moobs as a reward (how heroic!)
@Tonio: I can’t recall, was that the one of the ones where Porky Pig is Sylvester’s owner and they stay in a creepy old house there was a murder cult of mice are trying to kill them?
Re: Phantom: Way back then, a CC commenter (Old Man Muffaroo, I think) had a blog in which he posted a parody version of a series of elegies, but with comic strip characters. The one about Phantom involved an alternate scenario for the bloodline and legend. Unfortunately, my memory is foggy on this. Does anyone else remember and/or have the link?
@The Rambling Otter: Phantom: “I have no idea if this is a recap or a retcon.”
It actually incorporates both. The story has always been the same, but the strip long ago retconned the location from India to Africa.
MW: While domestic abuse is agreeably a bad thing, this strip handles it like a softball player wearing oven mitts. Especially when you consider the acts committed by characters we’re supposed to sympathize with:
-Wilbur threatening Estelle’s cat simply because she interrupted his song
-Keith threatening his not-daughter’s friend/romantic competition by making him leave town after catching him eating meat
-Dawn trying to justify checking out other guys in front of Jared by saying it was for “aesthetic reasons”
-Estelle going berserk on Dr. Ed because he dared to take care of an emergency instead of being shown off like a meat ticket
-Hell, Jared himself was thinking about breaking up with Dawn to date Jess even before finding out that she was dancing/grinding on other guys behind his back
Basically, Dirk is far too over the top for him to be regarded as a serious threat. Moy is trying way too hard to tell us how much of an asshole he is but he’s pretty much on par with the assholes we’re supposed to side with.
C’shaft: If Moses had said, “In the days to come, when thou has scattered throughout the world and come unto a land where upon a green field men dash their brains against one another in struggle over the skin of an unclean animal, though shalt not use that field for any purpose other than the instruction of regimented musical ensembles,” the Israelites would have tossed him off Mount Sinai and stuck with the golden calf.
Dustin: “Maybe if we took more interest in him and celebrated his accomplishments rather than insulting him at every opportunity, he would be more motivated.”
“There you go again with that touchy-feely new age thinking.”
GT: It was previously established that the Mudhens were unable to succeed without Gil’s influence, but they’re doing fine while he’s finally catching up on Keri’s eating disorder. This situation requires further study. Is Gil allowed to have absences for other people’s health problems, but not his own? Can he be out while taking care of Beth, or does it have to be a blood relative? What if the entire family is down with the flu, does that cancel everything out? If federal grant money wasn’t currently in the hands of a bunch of techbro manchildren, I might apply for some to research this.
JP: Yeah, most people will just abandon top-of-the-line tech in the middle of the woods and not bother to reclaim it, just so long as it has data encryption.
Luann: I was about to ask who hurt Greg Evans, but I think we all know the answer to that.
MT: Yeah, I can see how you’d miss the trash bin, what with it sitting right next to the stairs in plain sight like that.
MW: I know it’s wrong, but I want to see Dirk punch Jared’s face in.
Pluggers are only happy when they’re miserable.
RMMD: No, it’s just the standard smug superiority of a Rex Morgan protagonist.
@Needless Exposition: Yep. The only reason this isn’t ending with Dirk munching on a muffin and saying, “You’re right, Mary, I do need to control my temper!” is that he’s been marked as the Official Villain of the Story.
Swearing to fight piracy in all its forms created a big legal problem. Sure, the Treaty of Westphalia banned piracy, but what about letters of marque? If the Phantom fights this form of state-sanctioned violence, shouldn’t he also fight other forms, like colonial exploitation or the slave trade, which are much more destructive than some individuals outside the legal realm? The-Ghost-who-enforces-the-state-monopoly-on-violence
@TheDiva: I’ll bet Jared’s face deforms itself to make him stupidly handsome. He already looks like someone who tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
@The Rambling Otter: FWIW, I’m using Edge and the CK strips on Seattle Times Comics page (https://www.seattletimes.com/entertainment/comics/) have an option to view and post comments (I think they hook into CK’s site). If you don’t see the options there, it’s likely some extension (ad-blocker?) keeping them from showing. I liked Disqus way better.
@Professor Well Actually: If The Big Lebowski has taught me anything, it’s that bowling alleys don’t have security. Nihilists can start fires in the parking lot and John Goodman can pull out a gun in the middle of game, and nobody bats an eye.
DtM: A comic about an old man leering at a child and making them uncomfortable? Either the joke is that he’s a closet perv or he has dementia. Also the artist couldn’t even remember to draw Wilson’s mouth here.
@Phantom Phan: Thanks :3
Also this is very, very weird. After downloading Google Chrome, I can’t access my E-mail it says its “Locked from too many failed log-in attempts”
But going back to the Bing browser I can access my E-mail just fine -shrugs-
@LTJpezcore1:
No, she still can draw Mary just fine.
RMMD: You’ve been insulted TWICE, Dumped Dude. Try to keep up.
MW: Since Jared bears an uncanny resemblance to Prince Valiant’s sister today, he’s not going to cut it. Hopefully, it’s Militant Feminist Bowling League Night.
“Ah… look, mate, I appreciate the theatrics and all, but I’m just an unlucky sod who got pressed into service on a British warship and mutinied to be free… maybe you could bury me and send word back to my family of my demise? No…? Oh… I’m going to be a decoration in your cave? Well, that’s lovely. No, Nigel couldn’t possibly have the freedom in death that he never had in life. Got to be physically tied to a dreary cave with a drama queen forever. That’s rich. Stupid bloody afterlife…”
@The Rambling Otter: @The Rambling Otter: While that’s a good one, I was referring to the one where the two mice take possession of a house by driving out the cat.
@Philip:
#48. PHANTOM:. Don’t know if it’s related to the re-hash, but in his blog the author says he is recommencing chemo treatment for a recurrence of his cancer. So he’ll lay a bit low for a while.
Yeah, life in real time keeps happening.
@TheDiva:
I would have said Dirk already munched Dawn’s muffin, but he strikes me as the kind of man who isn’t interested in his partner’s sexual satisfaction.
Can’t wait for the continuation of this Phantom plot, when we find out why the First Phantom settled on skull rings and body suits for his signature look instead of pretty pretty hair bows.
@Lauralot: That’s probably it. Either you have something blocking javascript, or possibly something’s interfering with it loading. I’m not at home, otherwise I’d poke around a little more.
Adding, are you logged into CK? That could be it right there.
@Ettorre: The 17th Phantom beat up a lot of kids who were using Napster back in the early 21st century.
Hi and Lois: Hopefully that isn’t one of Chip’s “soiled” sheets that he has hung on display for his family to see.
Family Circus: The dog is retired. The man is going to be working at a Walmart until he dies.
Pluggers are all decrepit and suffering from their poor lifestyle.
@Ukranazi Stepan: Ah, so he’s just like every other person in Charterstone.
@Drew Funk: The Phantom should be decked out in fishnets and a teddy, like Frank N. Furter from Rocky Horror. Now that would definitely scare the pirates!
MW: I’m fine with whatever it is Dirk’s doing, but I really think it’s time for someone in Dick Tracy to shoot the Nazi.
MW: I’m sorry, but Dirk’s cartoonishly over-the-top and insanely petty abuse is the funniest thing I’ve seen in this strip in a while.
@Tonio: Thanks :3 I should check that one out
@The Rambling Otter: The Porky/Sylvester one is “Claws for Alarm”.
Really, this is all Warner Brothers’ fault for having both Sylvester and Claude, two cat characters which can lead a cartoon. Talk about an embarrassment of riches.
Beetle – “What if Sarge wakes up anyway?” “Trust me, he won’t. You ever read The Cask of Amontillado?”
@Noel: It’s so hard to see him as a threat because most domestic abusers don’t act like this in a public place where they can be seen acting like a bodybuilder in the throes of ‘roid rage. They act superficially charming as a way to make themselves look like the ideal partner and gaslight their victims by having them not be believed when they try to say something. Dirk is acting like he’s been ripped out of an after school special or a sitcom to try and teach a hamfisted lesson that follows with numbers to various hotlines.
Zits: Why is Jeremy in the 2nd panel putting his ass up in his mother’s face? Is he trying to crop dust her?
I believe that I burnt myself out of ramble.
I think my rambling alienated a bunch of people here anyway ^^;
I’m fine though, if the urge to ramble comes back anytime soon I’ll change my name back (maybe) but for now, I’m just me.
LUANN: I know the Dirk over in Mary Worth has people crying out for a hero, but you only need to look Kip’s way. Look at how he heroically let’s his quasi-girlfriend worm her way into his life while he passively offers only the mewling of protest! How dreamy! And since this is Friday, Stef will close the week by gently dragging her man away from Tiffany and her lackadaisical work habits to a private spot so now she can serve Kip “a slice of pie” if ya know what I mean?*
Then by Monday morning we can consider the ambiguous situation we left that relationship in “resolved” and awkwardly cut way to something new like…(spins wheel)…Luann failing at something but trying to sell it to us as a “strong testament to her inner beauty” or whatever.
*Even better if this “private spot” is, like Kafe Kablooey’s broom closet, and she regales the entire eatery with bombastic When-Harry-Met-Sally orgasms (The Fuse is suppose to occasionally put on “a show” for it’s audience after all.)
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: I am logged in.
@Needless Exposition: Yeah, as has already been pointed out, Keith Hillend was a much more chilling portrait of a controlling, abusive personality, and he was supposed to be a hero.
MW: I think I’ve figured out what’s so weird about Dirk’s face. His gaping maw and forehead creases suggest total rage, but his eyebrows are barely slanted downward. It’s incongruous.
@The Quiet Man: LUANN: Maybe in the hands of competent writers she’d be a good character, but right now I’m just not seeing it.
THANK YOU. Tiffany may seem better because she has actual ambitions and keeps working towards them, but she’s still just as badly-written as everyone else. Almost all the characters in the strip are self-involved scumbags, and the few who aren’t are written as naive airheads (and then there’s Luann herself who manages to be both at once.)
Fred Basset Spanish to English.
@2+2=7: **SNORT**
The Phantdumb: “All my sons and Uncle Bub will follow me!”
The Phantom: I hope this becomes even more recursive, just flashing further and further back into the Phantoms of the past until we’re at an anomalocaris wearing purple spandex and shooting evil poacher trilobites.
Beetle Bailey-I see a red faced sergeant and I want him painted black.
The Phantom-“From this day forth I shall be known as Mighty Whitey!”
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Wonder if Dawn’s as tonsorally challenged everywhere as she is on her head! “!@#$ it, Dawn, that mish looks like it’s been through a woodchipper! LOSER!”
@LTJpezcore1: @2+2=7: **SNORT**
___________
Mighty fine FWE imitation! You should do that if you get invited to the next Lost Forest celebration, I’m sorry, I don’t have enough influence to invite outsiders yet. We toss around an old Bullwinkle antler cap and imitate him. (We had the tradition before MASH ripped it off. That was the LAST time Alan Alda gets invited to be guest speaker! )
The Phantdumb had the worst case of crabs since ATHF’s Carl!
@Ukranazi Stepan: Oh, Dirk is definitely the type of guy who thinks going down on a girl is gay.
So, the modern-day Phantom is an enforcer for RIAA, tracking down those nefarious music-illicit-downloaders?
Tip o’ The Cap to Josh – the phrase “Crab Eaten Corpse” (Phantom) doesn’t get used enough in our lexicon. I come to the Comics Curmudgeon for the laughs, but I stay for the ‘mot juste’
@Chance: haha whoooops fixed
Rex Morgan – “Is that some kind of insult?”
That’s some kind of Jeffy Keane levels of stupid.
I’m enjoying this. However, it will probably go into the usual Rex Morgan mode of nothing happening.
Crankshaft – I almost wish Skip and Batton Thomas were back. Almost.
@The Quiet Man: Oh, come on. Stef is forcing herself onto Kip far more aggressively than Tiffany is. She is flat-out ignoring his attempts say “no.” And Tiffany’s not “tearing her clothes off” – she’s having dinner with a man at her own workplace, which is hardly a context for the activity you suggest. Yesterday’s strip explicitly says Kip is on a break with Stef*, so there isn’t even any cheating going on here. You could dial back your pearl-clutching just a tad.
And if you still think Tiffany is in the wrong here, at least her behavior matches that of an adult woman. The rest of the cast are a bunch of dim, catty, boy-obsessed 14-year-olds. Including this Stef. Who keeps wearing their cheerleading uniform after high school?
Tiffany is like Bull Bushka in Funky Winkerbean. The stock high school antagonist grew up, joined the real world along with the main cast, and inadvertently became the only character who had any growth. And I don’t think the author ever even realized this.
(* – I only looked at the last week. But I refuse to learn Luann lore to win an Internet argument.)
MW – I thought dudes like Dirk were smart enough to keep their evil ways hidden in public? While I am not an expert on the subject, I have two friends who were in abusive relationships that looked not just normal, but idyllic from the observer perspective. It was only after they were out of the relationships, hearing what happened after the bowling dates (metaphorically), when we had any idea of what was going on.
@Cleveland Mocks: Re Frazz – It looks like Frazz is preparing to ice fish, and he can’t wait to give the kid all the information about the activity. I got the impression that he loves to ice fish. I don’t think that he feels superior to ice fishermen; however, he undoubtedly feels superior because he participates in the activity himself.
It pains me to defend Frazz, but I interpreted the strip differently.
@Cleve Barrister: Yes! Sophie will do it. The insufferable little genius once hacked into the Pentagon’s computers, so an encrypted drone is nothing.
@The Otter: You’ve never alienated me. You’re fine.
I’d like to see a DT/MW cross over where the vicious fist fight going on in DT spills over into the MW bowling alley and involves everyone, including lots of other MW characters who just happen to be using the other lanes. Finishes with the nazi and Dirk slugging it out to the death. Can but dream.
@The Otter:
#112 Otter, take a break if you need it. Are you still a pondering gisnt?
@Old School Allie Cat: Normally, yes, but this is Mary Worth, where things like nuance and subtlety go to die. Dirk is an abusive asshole, so he must be an abusive asshole all the time, and as openly and loudly as possible.
@Tabby Lavalamp: #42: But he would’ve also needed a xylophone to pull off the spooky skeleton trick.
@Rube: Keith’s story has literally no one to root for. Keith gets everything he wants in the most underhanded way possible, Kitty is a lying tramp who has no backbone, and Sonia is a spoiled brat caricature of cop hating vegans. The other guy is a stereotypical tool whose “horrible” crimes of eating meat and calling Sonia a brat (which she is) are blown out of proportion to make Keith look virtuous by comparison.
Also I both saw the twist coming and also found it pretty hard to believe since red hair is one of the rarest natural hair colors out there so Keith either has a cousin around or Sonia gets her hair color from a box.
@I speak Jive:
@Cleveland Mocks: Re Frazz #134
You might be right, Jive, but . . .
• I don’t see how he’s preparing to ice fish. It looks like he’s doing janitor stuff at school.
• Nothing in his history suggests that he enjoys sitting around doing nothing while waiting for something to happen, which is basically what ice fishing is, as is pier fishing.
• I’m almost positive he’s dumped in ice fishermen before.
But maybe we’ll learn something more definitive in the future.
@The Otter: I enjoy your rambling! I hope you feel better soon.
@pugfuggly: #20
Re phantom: “Um…tailgating!! ah nuts…hey – I’ve got it – “holding up the cashier line at the grocery because you have to write a check to pay for your purchases and…wait…have “checks” even been invented yet??”
LUANN – They say this strip is prudish, but today Steph ate Tiffany’s pie.
Crank: Yesterday I thought “Chosen of God” was the pinnacle of Dinkle’s megalomania. I really should have seen “Guy who reminds God that the Almighty is supposed to share his obsessions” coming.
JP: Maybe this is just me, but if I’d lost a drone in the woods, I don’t think I’d be all “Well, nobody else can see what I’ve filmed, so I guess I’ll just leave it there.” Especially as Randy has previously speculated that the reason the drone owner hadn’t come forth is that they don’t know what the footage shows (apparently drones that transmit live feeds are an unknown technology in the Parkerverse), so they’d both have no reason to think it was sensitive, and would probably want the footage themselves. Then again, if I was piloting a drone that didn’t have a live feed, I probably wouldn’t fly it into the woods in the first place.
OTF: Oh, that’s right, the whole Mars mission thing in Safe Havens still hasn’t happened in Fastrack. Dammit, I thought with Batty down to one strip I could stop keeping track of this kind of nonsense!
Phantom: I love that Starter Kit has no idea who killed the pirate and why. Maybe it was a worse pirate, who’d murdered many more people than this guy. Who cares? The guy who killed Kit’s dad is dead, therefore justice has been served! This solipism will be passed down through the generations along with the skull fetish and the purple onesie.
@GarrisonSkunk: re **SNORT**
Garry, you know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (snort,snort) Everybody needs a good “snort” now and then. And I hope *everyone* can make it to the next LOFO festival, which will be the vernal equinox where we celebrate the return of the green and enjoy a good excuse to par-tay! Sort of like your St. Patrick’s Day….
Snort and the world snorts with you (snort,snort)
@Charterstoned: 337
Love that!!!! To complete the picture, add the dessicated remains of a long-dead parrot with the crumbled remnants of a cracker in its beak…
Phantom: Meanwhile, the Bandar are feverishly attempting to procure every yard of purple fabric this side of Zanzibar.
PHANTOM: And future daughters, don’t think you’ll be getting out of this bizarre oath scot-free. Dude be crazy.
@Poteet:
#148. PHANTOM:. And I understand that a corollary to this oath pass mission to son is, “Train an heir and a spare.”. Julie rightfully must have felt p.o.’d about being a spare. Like Prince who’s that in California.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Stef?
Oh…you mean Flanderized Tiffany! ;-)
@But What Do I Know?: #51: True. During the golden age of piracy (roughly 1680-1720) a man could hang for stealing a chicken as he could for stealing a fortune. If you’re going to risk the noose, go for the gold doubloons and pieces of eight.
@145 Formerly Wounded Elk:
Everything you need to know about Ol’ Snort.
@2+2=7: I dunno, maybe? Like I said, I refuse to learn any more Luann backstory than I need to.
@Liam: #77:
“I emptied a clip into Sarge’s head”
Upon hearing that Captain Scabbard makes Beetle get down and do fifty for saying clip instead of magazine.
DtM: See? When he wants to, ol’ Mr. Wilson can make Dennis quake in his shoes. Who’s the menace now, kid?
@152 Sequitur:
In case you didn’t notice, that thing came out exactly nine years ago.
@I speak Jive: Ice fishing is an extremely sedentary “activity”. Doubtful that Frazz would participate
BB: Great plan. Sarge’ll never figure out what’s going on, unless someone left behind a big can of dripping black paint.
Phantom: That awkward feeling when the English sailor your tribe just started idolizing has an ambition to play Hamlet and wants your feedback on his performance.
C-Shaft: Harry lies in anxious sweats as he dreams of forcing The Almighty to second his idiotic “Football fields are for band practice” rule. On some level he must know how close he is to being struck by lightning.
DtM: The fact that George Wilson’s attempt at a smile causes his mouth to entirely disappear should terrify us all.
DT: Totten Jr. hands out a little extra punishment to the Jewish guy, which is inevitable. He pretty much has the Third Reich’s brand resting on his shoulders now.
Dustin: …which kinda answers the question of “Is anything more tedious?”
GT: By custom you’re supposed to announce the winning team first in the final score. Especially when the losing team didn’t even have their team name on their uniforms.
MT: This whole thing—and you can interpret “this whole thing” as widely as you prefer—is getting too stupid to invite further comment, but one might point out that if Rick were the big bad hunter he pretends to be the feral hogs wouldn’t be a threat, they’d be his next barbecue.
MW: Jared is neither the hero we need nor the hero we deserve but he is, uh, there, I guess.
Zits: “Less human contact” is not only an achievable goal but it’s already been accomplished on a society-wide level.
@Banana Jr. 6000: LUANN: Nah, I gotta side with the person you replied to on this one. Tiffany has been utterly obsessed with Kip for years now. Summer 2023 she invited him to stay at her place for the summer and then spent the entire time ogling him through her window while he used her swimming pool. She held a fake pool party just so she’d be able to ogle him in-person with some cover around her. The only reason she let Stef (who by the way is a college cheerleader, hence the uniform) live in her dorm room is so she could see him. She badmouths Stef at every turn to him, and when accused of trying to steal her man replied that they were only friends… even though shortly before that moment she had attempted to kiss him.
Oh, and let’s not forget that the reason Tiffany is eating at her workplace is that she was on the clock when he arrived, but then dumped all her work onto a coworker rather than wait until her shift ended to see him.
I like Tiffany normally, but she’s backslid a lot due to her obsession with Kip. She’s not really any more mature than the other characters, at least not when it comes to guys.
@Josh: I like when famous people visit the chat
@Banana Jr. 6000: I have no desire to argue either. If I were looking at this storyline in isolation, I might be inclined to agree with you as well.
That being said, I do remember previous storylines (it’s a curse to bear, I know) and this is not the first time Tiffany has tried to present herself as a ‘better’ girlfriend for Kip than Stef. So yeah, Tiff is behaving a bit better than Stef here, but it’s still a very low bar.
I appreciate the discussion though!
@Tonio:
@ValdVin:
‘Claws for Alarm’ from 1954 was the second of the Porky/Sylvester shorts, where they were staying overnight in a old West ghost town. The first was ‘Scaredy Cat’ in 1948, and that’s the one with the old mansion (‘It’s the only one the real estate agent had!’)
Both have the murder cult of mice, but the ones in ‘Scaredy Cat’ are pretty much identical to Hubie and Bertie, the stars of ‘Mouse Wreckers’ where they drive Claude Cat insane with window gimmicks (to tie this back to today’s ‘Beetle Bailey’).
@Cleveland Mocks: @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear: Yeah, I think you’re both right. Looking more closely at the strip, I see that neither Frazz nor the kid is dressed for ice fishing. I do think that he’s ready to Frazzsplain ice fishing to the kid, but I think you’re right that he has contempt for ice fishermen because they aren’t engaged in intense exercise. His monologue about ice fishing would point that out.
It’s kind of reassuring that his smug superiority remains consistent.
@I speak Jive: Hey, Frazz might have some non-intense-exercise-oriented hobbies, like reading French Symbolist poetry and watching Luis Bunuel movies and ice fishing. If he sweated all the time he’d eventually just disappear.
RIP Tony Roberts. He was never a really big name but was one of Woody Allen’s collaborators and stock players and in a lot of his movies. He was 85.
@Ukulele Ike: Apparently he does read, because he and Caulfield usually quote from memory ancient Roman poets and philosophers. Maybe he listens to audio books while he’s running.