Death, doom, etc.
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Mary Worth, 4/12/25
Welp, looks like Dawn’s about to die in agony after drinking a powerful drain cleaner … and that’s the tea, sis! Ha ha, get it, because Belle poisoned the tea, in order to murder Dawn? Anyway, I feel like it’s relevant that Dawn has eaten Mary Worth’s cooking for years, but I can’t tell if constant exposure has hardened her system enough that she can survive drinking Wilbur’s off-brand Drano, or if it’s merely numbed her senses of taste and smell so much that she won’t be able to detect the toxic substance as she drinks it.
Shoe, 4/12/25
Wow, Madame Zoo Doo’s facial expression is extremely grim here. See, all this time you thought she was crazy or a fraud, but it turns out that she can really see into the future — she just can’t change it. Free will, she knows all too well, is an illusion: nothing we do can change our fate. Why burden her customers with this terrible knowledge?
Hi and Lois, 4/12/25
Hey, Hi, I don’t want to make things awkward, but you know your friend’s an alcoholic, right? Like, it’s kind of his whole personality? It’s right there in his name? Sorry you had to find out like this, but, c’mon.
160 replies to “Death, doom, etc.”
H&L: What answer was Hi expecting to his question? Thirsty asked for two beers because… he wants to drink two beers. Does Hi think the world works on video game logic and you can only equip one beer to your drink inventory slot at a time?
Shoe: Madame Zoo Doo normally takes her boyfriend to work? What kind of unprofessional travelling fortune telling business is this!?
MW: Oh, of course, the natural murder plot progression. Step One: Spill soy sauce. If that doesn’t work, proceed to Step Two: Dissolve the esophagus. Textbook stuff, really. I think it’s in The Art of War.
Shoe: Nice Windows 11 Crystal Ball there, you wouldn’t get such precise predictions with an old Windows 95 ball.
H&L: “And maybe you can move the fridge next to the sofa so the second can doesn’t get warm.”
Says much about me that I initially assumed Clog B Gone was a fiber supplement.
(At Dawn’s funeral, Mary rolls her eyes comically) Oh, Wilbur!
MW: All joking aside for a moment, I genuinely cannot tell if Moy intends us to read this as a serious attempt to murder Dawn in a truly horrific way, or if we’re supposed to view this as some sort of Three Stooges hi-jinks plot. Does she realize that drain cleaner would not be something you sip, do a comedic spit-take, and then have a stomachache? Because I cannot tell, and that doesn’t speak well for the writing.
MW: Truly disturbing. The effects of drinking drain cleaner are so horrifying that pulling out a .45 and shooting Dawn in the head would be more humane.
MW: Karen Moy really has a thing for taking her villains from zero to sixty in .67 seconds and making them indescribably dumb. Even Wilbur is going to be able to put two and two together if Dawn drinks the tea and then immediately has to go to the hospital.
There is no dramatic tension here, no slow and steady build-up to this decision as Belle tries to get her hooks further into Wilbur and Dawn keeps calling her out on it until Belle decides that she’s an obstacle that needs to be removed, just an utterly unbelievable decision to immediately resort to murder.
MW: Apparently this is one of these days where I’m just going to rant about Mary Worth for hours as a prisoner to my own snark. Belle has displayed aggression toward Dawn since she arrived. Belle just offered to make tea for Dawn specifically, rather than for all of them. How is she expecting to get away with this? As terrible of a father as we know Wilbur is, she doesn’t. Is she convinced that she’s just so good in bed that he’ll ignore his daughter vomiting up blood a few feet away? Or is she just completely out of her mind? In the latter case, if her grasp on reality is that terrible, how does she hold a job and how did she manage to travel across the country?
MW — Damn you, Mary Worth. Now I’m forced to rise from my warm bed, go downstairs, make a cup of tea, and add Drano to determine if any sentient human adult would fail to notice the odor or taste at the first sip. . . . oh, that’s right, it’s Dawn. Crisis averted!
MW:
If Dawn drinks that concoction, she’s going to be “tea-d off.”
@Tom: Obviously Moy has been reading this site, and seen the many complaints of how slowly the plots move. We are all guilty.
H&L: [Thurston holds up two fingers] “You and the horse you rode into town on…Oh, and bring me a couple of beers.”
(to the tune of connect the dots )”la la la casually comittin homicide la la la!”
MW:
This Batsfrey is clearly insane
We hope that Dawn opts to abstain
If she quaffs this drink
Her fortunes will sink –
In fact, they’ll go right down the drain!
MW: I predict that either Belle or Dawn will trip, spilling the cup. Then either no one will notice the tea eating through the floor, or Dawn will point it out and Wilbur will tell her to stop complaining.
MW:
“Dawn, you should talk to Belle about your shared passion for rock music. In fact, I think she prefers hair bands, because she told me: ‘ “Poison” is my absolute favorite!’ “
9CL: The twins do everything together including *ahem* honeymooning? Maybe Brooke doesn’t take any of this seriously. Maybe this is like pseudo modern art where the artist just slaps some blotches on a canvas, names it something pretentious, and allows his patrons to project greatness on to it. Whereas I am constantly trying to draw out meaning, there is none inherently intended.
Crankshaft : I was gonna comment on how Lena saved the day by single-handedly winning the Bus Driver Rodeo, and Crankshaft rudely shuts her attempt to celebrate down immediately, and then, it hit me…
In the Crankshaft universe, a competent bus driver is one that does everything in a terrible fashion to maximise the inconvenience of everyone else, especially the users.
That “my job is being purposefully terrible and unhelpful” attitude has been shown as being the credo of other professions, like bank tellers, mail clerks, nurses, etc.
So, if being incompetent and terrible at something makes you the best at it, wouldn’t it follow that Lena is actually the world’s best bowler and baker?
*************
Hi & Lois : This strip demonstrates why you usually don’t invert the “Guy 1 : We’ll have two beers. Guy 2 : I’ll have two beers too!” joke.
*************
Shoe : Yeah, but seeing her boyfriend with another woman next thursday makes her break up with him today, meaning he ends up with the other woman because he will no longer be single and no longer be cheating. Predestination paradox.
@wesccov:
Nah, I think Brooke McEldowney is less of a Jackson Pollock and more of a Marcel Duchamp, in that the crude nonsense he makes’ intention is to provoke and offend (the “beefwits”), even though I’m pretty sure Brooke is a strict classicist who has nothing but contempt for expressionism and dadaism.
Man, sorry about that, that’s WAY too much “artiste critique” pretension for the comics curmudgeon comment section…@Lauralot: Given the “oh, Wilbur!” attitude towards the let-your-loved-ones-think-you-died man overboard plot, I think it’s supposed to be zany hijinks. I’d guess we’re headed to a week of slow motion when-will-the-tea-get-to-Dawn’s-lips “action”, maybe with finding the Xed-out Dawn photo averting the final tragedy.
Or maybe Dawn will sniff the tea, be disgusted, surreptitiously dump it in the tank and kill Stella(?) the fish. THAT will be the tragic end that gets Wilbur to quit thinking with his genitalia. Father of the year will mourn the fish more than he would if Dawn had died!
Someone was complaining about “closed-eyes smugface” the other day. Scancerelli offers up a double dose in today’s Gasoline Alley. He’s also brought back his screamingly funny joke about “grilled cheese sandwiches that taste like steak.”
9CL: Their dicks are hard, tee hee.
@Lauralot: Oooh, or Dawn clumsily spills a few drops on her shirt as she takes the cup, it starts eating away at the fabric, Dawn says no way is she drinking that stuff, pours it down the sink, and Wilbur gets huffy. Because it’s just a cheap shirt, sheesh, why would you think the tea would be harmful? He may even go to Mary, blaming Dawn for the tense home situation by not accepting Belle’s “peace offering”.
Mary Worth: The crisis is averted when someone knocks at the door with today’s Basket o’ Muffins and stands around gabbing so long the tea gets cold and is poured down the sink. Wilbur is so impressed with the way Belle Batsfry’s tea gets sluggish plumbing drained that he loves her all the more, setting up next week’s “Let’s go camping, just us girls, to bond, I’ll bring rope” plotline.
Mary Worth
Looks like Belle gets her advice from The Far Side and the timeless panel where the cat tries to poison the dog with a drink by loudly proclaiming: “The glass nearest to you does not contain the poison! “
Too bad she went all TL:DR on that gem because the caption reads: “When dumb animals attempt murder.”
Mary Worth
Welp, so much for the long game.
MW: The real pending tragedy is that there won’t be as much drain opener left to unclog the drain after Wilbur’s next shower.
MW – La La La? I can’t figure out if Batts is an evil psychopath or functionally retarded. I don’t think Moy knows either.
And I wouldn’t be so quick to assume Wilbur’s going to figure this out right quick. Batts can just tell him the Clog-B-Gone just somehow ended up in there accidentally, and Wilbur, doing his thinking with his (very) Little Wilbur, will happily believe it.
@Anonymous: Personally, my favourite example was the story about the woman who had a recurring dream about her husband getting murdered. The more she has the dream, the more she can make out from it, and eventually sees that the murderer is the family groundskeeper.
In a panic she begs her husband to get rid of the groundskeeper, who has been with the family for many many years.
He fires the groundskeeper who then… kills him in retaliation.
See… this is why poor communication is so messy, if he just told the groundskeeper about her dream, and why she was afraid of him, instead of just immediately firing him for (from the groundskeeper’s point of view) no real reason. It might have ended up differently.
But then again if the groundskeeper was so quick to kill maybe he would have done so anyway for (insert other reason here) making the dream literally unavoidable.
MW: Apparently Belle’s grandmother taught her how to make that “special tea” while she was in the throes of dementia and it never crossed her mind until now that this was probably why Grandpa Batsfrey died and not the exotic tale of being kicked in the head by a donkey.
@Tonio: MW: It would not surprise me if “crazy woman mistakes fiber supplement for drain cleaner” is where the strip goes with this. Dawn drinks the tea, her stomach rumbles, she runs to the bathroom, comes out and announces with relief that that’s the first time she’s been able to go to the bathroom all week!
MW: I assume KM has given a reason why Belle wants to murder Dawn. She has, hasn’t she?
My comments aren’t posting. Anyone else having problems?
@Needless Exposition: Your comment is giving me the film “Arsenic and Old Lace” vibes.
MW: You see, if Dawn had a Tummy-Brain to tell her what Belle is doing, this might turn out differently.
@MKay: I guess something, SOME word your using, the nannybots don’t like.
I had that problem a few weeks ago, turns out because I was using the word Bat-man (no hyphen) my comments were getting moderated. The censors really hate him for some reason.
OK, try again
MW: “Drink it for Daddy, Dawnie! She’s our guest-and you HAVE been a little constipated lately!”
H&L: Oh, please. There’s no way Thirsty doesn’t start every game with a fully stocked cooler at his feet. He’s no amateur.
@The Rambling Otter:
omg, that’s EXACTLY the name I was using! I just left that post out. Thanks!
@Hibbleton:
H&L: “And maybe you can move the fridge next to the sofa so the second can doesn’t get warm.”
Actually, Thursty has no reference point for the concept of a beer getting warm.
MW: Group honors for all who saw this coming. Especially how Belle can’t be bothered to use a newfangled poison with no taste, odor, or measurably detectable aftereffects.
GT: Milford’s baseball field doesn’t have a warning track next to the outfield wall, but there is probably an orthopedic surgeon’s sponsorship on it.
FC: Dolly, you’ll never make the refrigerator by complaining like that.
BG&SS: My background: As an out of stater going to a college in Massachusetts, I tried to go to a public library on Patriot’s Day. Three years running!
In Hootin’ Holler April 12th opens Husband Season. As a consarn Yankee, is there something real that I’m missing?
@Professor Well Actually: I guess we’re supposed to believe that she wants Wilbur all to herself and is choosing to expedite things rather than play the long game of pretending to be the good stepmother. She must have been reading this comic too.
@The Rambling Otter: I wonder who would play Belle in the Florida trailer park version of the made for TV movie. Who would be that desperate?
@Professor Well Actually: There’s never been a stated reason. I assume it’s a similar motivation to the movie Audition, in which the woman refuses to let her boyfriend love anyone but her, even his own children. Of course, Audition is a masterpiece of horror while Mary Worth is…Mary Worth.
Mary Worth: If Dawn actually dies from drinking this poisoned tea, I will take back literally everything bad I’ve ever said about this comic out of sheer gratitude.
Shoe: This is an even stupider version of “you cheated on me in a dream” kind of crazy girlfriend. My man dodged a bullet getting dumped.
@Tom:
That’s why she’s Belle Batsfry, that is, Bats In The Bellefry.
MW-But Dawn won’t drink Belle’s Kool-Aid.
RMMD: I’m assuming Mysterious Stranger murdered Stalker for the sake of his daughter. That means Augie will charged with murder.
H&L: “Would you like a beer? Kind of a rhetorical question, but I’m observing the social niceties.”
MW: Give Belle a little credit, she probably only doses Dawn enough to get sick and have to stay home. You don’t rise up the corporate ladder at Megacorp by being a dummy.
RMMD: Anybody have any idea what’s going on with Mysterious Non-Neighborhood Onlooker? Is Debra his daughter or something? This strip has wandered off into Barajas Country.
GT: Speaking of, Lucas Martin’s legs are about twice as long as his torso. Makes it impossible for him to buy a suit off the rack.
CS: Lena suddenly whirls around and drives her knee into Crankshaft’s crotch. “How ya like *that* moment?”
H&L – It’s funny because when you are Thirsty’s guest, and his wife isn’t there, you are also his beer-slave. Be grateful he’s too drunk to want you to act as a surrogate for his wife in other ways.
@Lauralot: Karen Moy wishes she had even a third of Ryu Murakami’s writing talent. His characters are deeply flawed and sympathetic while she writes characters that make the Muppets look like Shakespeare.
9CL: Dweeby guys standing in chest deep water pondering their boners. Tee hee!
Holy hell, how many times is Brooke going to beat this dead horse?
Luann: Luann in her messy teen room. Holy hell, how many times is Greg going to…
@Schroduck: In Stardew Valley, you can stack up to 999 beers in one inventory slot.
@Tonio: The only way Dawn doesn’t die is if that’s true.
Regarding Stalker of McStalker, does he sneak something on his daughter’s phone so that he can read her texts? I’ll give Beatty a little credit for jumping the timeline around. It’s not Pulp Fiction but it’s a little more interesting than usual. (And Komics Kondom is running at its usual peak performance today.)
G. &##@#$@! Thorp – I work with a guy named Lucas Martin, and he fits the description you provided.
Speaking of nannybots, I received a warning from youtube for “offensive or demeaning language” for making reference to Big Pussy on a Sopranos video.
That. Was. The. Fucking. Name. Of. The. Character.
@wesccov: I find that where interpretation of 9CL is concerned, “Boinky boink boink! Tee hee hee!” usually suffices.
MW: Dawn be Gone (R).
@Anonymous:
Man, sorry about that, that’s WAY too much “artiste critique” pretension to expend on 9CL…FYFY. On the other hand, if Brooke should glimpse your comment, he’ll be like “he gets me. He really gets me!”
9CL: Jizz in the pool. ICK!
@The Rambling Otter: You switched topics to The Phantom so fast, I barely even noticed.
MW: The joke is on Belle Batsfry! As Wilbur Weston’s daughter, Dawn has gradually built up an immunity to Clog Be Gone and most other household poisons! (Actually, I think that means the joke is on Dawn, but whatever.)
@Needless Exposition: Laurie Metcalf?
I was going to say, that she could probably pull off a good psycho southerner, but then I realized, was Belle ever mentioned as being a southerner?
I think subconsciously I briefly confused her name Belle for “Southern Belle”
MW: “I’ll have what she’s having.”
FG: Okay, Zarkov and Flash saved the Lizardman from the Monstrous Palindromic Komok, and Dale saved the Lizardbaby from getting smooshed. But the Lizardmen PUT THE LIZARDBABY OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE so they could ambush the Earthers. So where is this tender moment coming from? By rights Team Earth should hold onto that baby — they have no idea where their next meal is coming from.
@Ukulele Ike: Then there was that classic Garfield bit, where Jon is at the diner.
Jon (towards the guy halfway finished his meal, next to him): I’ll have what he’s having
The waitress literally takes the guy’s plate, and places it in front of Jon.
@Anonymous: I dunno, Brooke has gone on record criticizing the absurd notion that a piece of music might have any meaning or interpretation beyond the notes themselves. Never mind the fact that, even if we limit the field to the classical genre, huge swaths of music were written with concrete meanings in mind, from Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony to Romantic tone poems to the entire catalogs of opera, ballet, and sacred music.
MW; So what is Belle’s plan here, exactly? Serve Dawn a nice cup of tea that smells like a janitor’s closet in full view of her dad and then, when Dawn immediately keels over like Heather Chandler, bat her eyes and say, “Oh Wilbie, I’m so sorry, I don’t know WHAT happened!”? I mean, it will probably work because this is Wilbur we’re talking about, but the idiocy of Belle’s marks is not an excuse for her own lack of foresight.
Apparently Moy is getting desperate for readers so between Wilbur’s delusions of being a superhero, mooching free meals off his Tinder dates, and dreaming about being a fish, she’s decided that reality has no place in the Weston household. Sure, he’s a huge karaoke star that everyone adores, he gets paid unrealistic amounts of money to go on expensive vacations to exploit survival stories, and an insane trailer park Karen would be so desperate for his paunchy bod that she’s willing to kill his adult daughter unprovoked. If we can believe that Dirk simply dumped Dawn after being humiliated by her and her former simp at the bowling alley rather than sought out retribution, then we can believe that Belle is a batshit crazy attempted murderess and that those Weston cockroaches will survive.
Looks like Comics Kingdom is having issues. Again.
MW-For all your murdering needs purchase generic store brand Clog-Be-Gone when you can’t afford name brand Drano.
Well, I’ll give Moy SOME credit here.
She can take a plot of a batshit insane Karen plotting to poison a young woman for no reason, and make it so absolutely dull and BORING.
Or are we all so numb from reading terrible Mary Worth arcs that even if the plot was good at some point, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy it either way?
9CL: I don’t have the equipment in question myself, but I thought being in the pool took care of that embarrassment pretty quickly.
MW: Moy has accidentally picked up the script from The Goes Wrong Show.
Act One, Scene three:
(Substitute cleaner for creamer) Belle sings gayly: La La La
C’shaft; Oh, shut up, Crankshaft. You were miserable when Lena had to step in to the bus rodeo at the last minute, and you’re miserable now that you won in no small part due to her efforts. At least baking makes Lena herself happy, whereas your shriveled heart has long been dead to even the sadistic pleasure of hurting others.
Dustin: “I mean, what does Dustin have to worry about besides crippling student loan debt that will only increase even as he struggles to pay it off, a hostile job market, sub-living wages, the creeping shadow of oligarchial authoritarianism and an increasingly unstable climate? I mean, you have all that and the erosion of your bodily autonomy and you’re doing all right, apart from your barely concealed hostility towards everyone and everything.”
Luann: Blank verse from a blank
headslate.RMMD: Oh hey, it looks like Goatee McStalker’s former victim is doing all right for herself! She’s found a partner who goes through her phone when she’s not looking and is not above committing a little murder. What a happy ending for her!
I haven’t been following Mary Worth so I’m a little confused. Does Belle realize she’s doing this for Wilbur? Wilbur Weston? That man whose head makes an appearance in the first panel? That Wilbur? This is all very confusing.
Oh! Unless she realized who she’s been having sex with and she’s going to drink that herself. That makes sense. Sweet dreams, Belle! We all understand!
@The Rambling Otter: I think it’s the fact that she’s trying to use Dawn and Wilbur for this plot which doesn’t work for so many reasons:
1. Dawn is a college student rather than, say, a young child so the jealousy of a woman taking her father’s attention away from her doesn’t have any impact. So she comes across more like a jealous girlfriend/wife dealing with someone honing in on her man. That’s what happens when you ban all children under the age of twenty from your stories.
2. There’s no motivation for why Belle is doing what she is. Does she genuinely think that Wilbur can’t love anyone but her? Is she trying to get at his money? Does she have a murder fetish? Or is she just some random nutcase?
3. Wilbur was bragging about how this was just a random fling that meant nothing but he’s given Belle his full address and has reacted with surprised glee about her sudden arrival. He hasn’t questioned how long she’s planning to stay and has already given her full access to his home after a very unpleasant evening out. Instead of separating Dawn and Belle when the conflict started, he’s subtly enabling the tension by forcing Dawn to get along with Belle like she’s a child.
MW: KM is trying to out grim the Brothers Grimm.
Fuck – Wilbur Weston; oh no
Kill – Dawn Weston; eh, seems pointless
Marry – Damn, did this got a lot darker than I expected. Life is brutal indeed.
CS: Wait a second. Isn’t the young guy with the goatee Rocky the deserter turncoat? Shouldn’t he be a persona non gratis? And where is Crankshaft’s girlfriend/coworker Mary?
MW: If Dawn dies writhing on the floor in agony Wilbur will of course blame the Thai food they ate earlier.
@TheDiva: Big hoopla during the late 19th century over “Program” music vs. “Absolute” music. Beethoven set the ball rolling with Symphony No. 6, and the banner for descriptive music was taken up by Berlioz, Liszt, and Richard Strauss. Mahler’s Symphony No. 1 was originally titled the “Titan,” but it embarrassed him to be associated with the Programmers and he withdrew the name. Gus considered Strauss a genius, however (he premiered Salome and Elektra while he conducted the Vienna Opera), so I guess he didn’t judge.
Brooke is a schlemiel.
Incidentally, I just bought a tee shirt featuring Steampunk Mahler. Hope I have the guts to wear it outside.
@Lauralot: #10
Those are all well-reasoned, perfectly logical questions and – this being “Mary Worth” – we will never know the answers. In fact, because this *is* “Mary Worth,” it’s futile to even think in terms of reason and logic or even plain old horse sense.
Shoe – “With whom?” “Me. We’ll be playing Monopoly.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Drat! I fell out of bed again!”
“Polonio! Come here!”
“Why can’t you get me a wider bed so I won’t fall out of it so much?”
Wait, Hi came back in and didn’t bring the beers. Dick.
Hi and Lois: C’mon, Hi, don’t be a prig — it says Dos Equis right on the label! (And anyway, Thirsty was drunk before he even came over there.)
Mary Worth: Today’s funny pages are providing an important lesson for kids about not drinking drain cleaner. (Or else teaching them a fun trick to play on their younger siblings — let’s hope it’s the first one.)
@ValdVin: In Hootin’ Holler April 12th opens Husband Season. As a consarn Yankee, is there something real that I’m missing?
Probably a reference to Al Capp’s strip Li’l Abner, where the citizens of Dogpatch celebrated Sadie Hawkins Day with a race or melee where the bachelors were given a head start and then the unmarried gals were turned loose to catch them. This is depicted in the musical by the same name, which has all the most beautiful girls they could find in Hollywood. The movie also uses the same gag that Capp did, of having one very pregnant gal in the race, lookin’ to catch her a husband.
@Lauralot:
This reprobate, bad phony nut
Is trying to deep-six Dawn’s gut
But something this dire
Could never transpire —
The readers’ reaction is, “What?!?”
MW: I do wonder how Mary’s meddling will be worked into this story. Surely she’s not going to cure a homicidal lunatic with a basket of muffins and a few pithy lines about life choices.
MW: So I guess Belle’s grand plan runs like this: 1. Assume Dawn can’t detect drano in a cup of tea. 2. Dawn drinks tea, dies immediately, without making a statement to the authorities about who prepared the tea. 3. Wilbur and the authorities decide that Dawn’s death is totally unsuspicious (or that Dawn committed suicide). 4. Marry Wilbur. 5. Tea time for Wilbur! 6. Inherit the condo, sell it for cash.
I can’t even begin to list all the problems with that plan. So the point is she’s crazy because she thinks this is going to work? Alternatively, maybe she thinks that she can pin the murder on Wilbur (in which case, what did she get out of it?), or that Wilbur will abet her in hiding the body. But…seriously.
Also, we all know that Dawn isn’t going to die. She’s not even going to take a sip of tea and land in the hospital! The narrative gods will produce some distraction or intervention that will leave Dawn increasingly suspicious of Belle and Wilbur increasingly in denial of her obvious hostility. And there will be a long, overwrought escalation until Wilbur witnesses Belle trying to push Dawn into traffic (or, given her current level of subtlety, decapitate her with a butcher knife), at which point the scales will fall from his eyes. But until then, I do think Belle’s attempt to disarm Dawn’s well-founded suspicion with manic cheeriness (“la la la!”) is pretty funny.
MW: Is Wilbur going to want to dump Dawn’s ashes off the boat? Will Belle go along? “Gosh, Dr Jeff, this is nice, where did you say you lived?”
Hi and Lois-Why is Hi even asking why? We all know that Thirsty is an alcoholic.
MW-This is Dawn Weston. If her father can survive falling off a cruise ship then she can survive drinking drain cleaner.
MW-“I have an iron stomach, Belle. It comes from years of eating Mary Worth’s cooking.”
The Bumstead children have been sent to the cornfield, & Dagwood has forgotten how to feed himself. Blondie’s writers have been replaced by the hospitality committee of a homeowners association.
MW: I think Belle may have taken a wrong turn. Straight up murderers with on-the-nose names belong in Dick Tracy.
MW – Perhaps the gastrointestinal system of the Weston clan is protected by the generous coating of mayonnaise….
Shoe – Aren’t soothsayers damned…I mean for cheap bits like this, if not
FC – Bil crossed Dolly’s name off the list of which melonhead will inherit his comic strip. “I have no idea what this scribble is supposed to be. She’d never be able to update the phones or console TVs.”
Mary Worth – Ye gods, this is batshit insane. That’s a horrible way to die, for one thing. And does she seriously think that she will get away with it? It’s not like there isn’t evidence.
I don’t think anyone would buy “I thought it was creamer.”
Rex Morgan – I wonder if Debra is dead (possibly killed herself in reaction to the stalking), and this guy is her father out to avenge her.
I did not expect the story to go in this direction. I hope it doesn’t fizzle into a boring nothing like RMMD always does.
Andertoons – One of my favorite tropes.
…nothing else….
H&L – If only you could get up and piss for him, Hi….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Sorry for the continuity error.
MW: What’s with the la-la-la? It’s already been established that whenever Belle is up to no good she goes heh-heh-heh.
Belle probably spent too much of her formative years watching old episodes of “Gomer Pyle USMC”. Sgt. Carter used to go heh-heh-heh whenever he thought he was finally rid of Gomer or was going to get laid by his girlfriend Bunny.
MW: “LA LA LA”?…Not “HEH HEH”? Who IS this imposter? Oh well, as long as we’re rid of one Weston – or even better , BOTH of them.
Say, Belle, why don’t you give Mary some of that tea ?
@Anonymous: I think that Brooke sees himself as edgy and has contempt for people who he thinks are offended by his strip. He should be concerned that readers aren’t offended – they’re bored.
@The Rambling Otter: Laurie Metcalf’s daughter, Zoe Perry, would be good. She brought the crazy eyes to her role in Young Sheldon.
@MKay: George Costanza: “I was in the pool!”
FG: Real father of the year there. Uses his kid as bait.
@The Rambling Otter: Belle is from Florida and has repeatedly addressed Wilbur as “hon,” so she probably has some sort of southern accent.
MW: Interesting. Everyone seems to think Clog Be Gone is a drain cleaner. My first thought was that it’s Wilbur’s industrial-sized liquid laxative. I mean, Carlos Alora is the guy who cleans out drain clogs at Charterstone, right? It makes much more sense to think that Wilbur’s usual diet requires a little help when it comes to moving things along. My guess is, Dawn is in for some hard time on the porcelain throne.
@Tonio: Plugger?
I bet Belle killed that guy over in Rex Morgan, M.D. Begun, these soap wars have!
MW: We struggled to come up with a motive for Belle’s planned murder, until we stopped and assessed her life back home in Orlando, home of Walt Disney World. She suffers from insanity, and it’s something that hasn’t come on suddenly. Clearly, she’s been fuckin’ Goofy for years.
@astroboy: I got a warning from the Star-Tribune nanny for quoting Donald Trump’s “kiss my ass” comment.
@Charterstoned: MW: Interesting. Everyone seems to think Clog Be Gone is a drain cleaner. My first thought was that it’s Wilbur’s industrial-sized liquid laxative.
Nah, with Wilbur’s mayo-heavy diet, it seems clear he purchases Costco-sized quantities of Clog-Be-Gone to keep the sewer pipes clear.
@The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers: Mickey Mouse, appearing with Minnie in divorce court: “I didn’t say she was crazy, Your Honor…”
MW: Everyone has the wrong idea about Clog Be Gone. It’s a harmless, organic, sustainably-made product that Wilbur uses to clean the filter on the fish tank. It’s as pure as the water Willa swims in. Why else would Wilbur store it in the upper kitchen cabinet? I guess the joke’s going to be on Belle. heh heh
@Tonio: Says much about me that I initially assumed Clog B Gone was a fiber supplement.
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Next,she brings out the Colon Blow™ (RIP Phil Hartman).
@Uncle Lumpy: I bet Belle killed that guy over in Rex Morgan, M.D. Begun, these soap wars have!
_____________________________
Cue Bill Murray…… “Sooooooooooooooap Wars, those crazy soap wars, we love those soap wars, Wars in the soaps……..”
@Anonymous:
re Shoe: This makes total sense. Marty McFly logic. Thanks for tickling my brain.
I read these comments and do so voluntarily. Don’t ever think you’re wasting your time.
Making the outcome unavoidable
MW: judging by how quickly her murder switch went to full on Belle is obviously a serial killer with a trail of dead bodies in her path. Where was she when RMMD Stalker was killed.
@Ken: serial killer Belle will go after Mary next.
SHOE: Apparently the famous mythological woman known as Cassandra has been reincarnated as a bird, and the curse of Apollo has followed her into her current life. When Apollo deploys a curse, he doesn’t mess around. Poor Cassandra’s next gig will be as a prophetic flatworm.
@Ukulele Ike: GA: Someone was complaining about “closed-eyes smugface” the other day. That was probably me, talking about the strip Questionable Content. It’s not the expression itself that annoys me as much as its overuse, as Jeph Jacques has characters doing it almost every damn day. When your characters are constantly looking oh-so-pleased with themselves it’s really off-putting. When it comes to Gasoline Alley, the overused expression in that strip is Jazz Hands (which of course the short guy is doing today).
LUANN: This strip may as well be renamed Spoiled White Girl. For as much as Luann whines about her life, I can’t recall the last time I’ve seen a protagonist who’s so constantly sheltered and coddled.
MW: The fact that Wilbur owns an industrial-sized container of toilet clog remover may be the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen in Mary Worth.
Jokes on Belle…that’s just Willburp’s jug of Liquid Mayo™.
@TheDiva:
We steal only from the best.
I think it’s a mistake to think Belle has any human motivations. The unmotivated, blatant murder makes more sense if we just think of her as an expression of Wilbur’s all-purpose shittyness; something which Dawn is going to have to work to forgive him for. I’m increasingly convinced this is Mary Worth‘s favorite plot: Wilbur does something outrageously thoughtless, selfish and cruel that gets the Internet talking about him, and then the women in his life (with Mary’s urgent advice) have to work to give him another chance, with no hint that he should ever have to suffer any consequences or change his ways.
Dawn’s murder would so obvious, the Rex Morgan MD cops would have to roll up and arrest Augie. As opposed to the Funky Winkerbean cops, who would simply say: “Oh, another suicide? That sucks. Who wants pizza? Nobody?”
Mary Worth – Jokes on Belle, the main ingredient in Drano is lye, a strong base, and Dawn is the most basic bitch there is!
Shoe – Honestly, Madame Zoo Doo could actually still be crazy. I could see a Tales from the Crypt type story about a jealous psychic seeing a vision of her lover with another woman and reacting with violent jealousy, only to learn from her lover’s dying breath that the other woman was a jeweler, delivering a custom engagement ring.
It would be a terrible tragedy, but the Perfesser at least has the scoop on this story, which will get him guest spots on the true crime podcast circuit.
Hi and Lois – Thirsty’s court-ordered rehab didn’t cure him of his drinking problem, but it did make him slightly more courteous to his enablers. It’s baby steps, if not 12 steps.
MW: were there any unsolved random murders in Cancun a few weeks ago?
H&L: “Why?”
“Because I have a crippling dependence on alcohol and won’t feel the first one.”
MW: Belle has a deep-seated hatred of clog dancers, rooted in a childhood tragedy. She’s even concocted a special mixture for getting rid of them. It’s not clear why she thinks Dawn is a clog dancer. Probably just general paranoia.
There’s going to be a trademark infringement cease and desist request coming Karen Moy’s way soon!
???
https://www.amazon.com/Noble-Chemical-B-Gone-Opener-Maintainer/dp/B084P7LKXJ
Lots of comments for a Saturday! Mary Worth is getting us engaged. This is the result of writing horrible characters. Does everyone like a disaster?
9CL: And you ask why the birthrate is down when Brooke is doing 3-4 panels like this every day.
C-Shaft: Our long national nightmare is over. New national nightmare to begin Monday.
Dustin: Dustdad hasn’t changed his sweater or cleaned it up because he’s starting to like the whole coffee stain lifestyle.
FC: Hey, that’s also how Jeffy took over the strip!
GT: “Look, you can keep calling the games. I don’t mind. Just put in a good word for me. I want to get on the Dead Coach Haunting the School beat.”
Phantom: When you find out the DM is allowing another player to double-class as a paladin and thief with no penalties.
RMMD: Well the first question from yesterday’s strip has now been answered. He’s a man with very bad sleep habits.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: re: Phantom: I was hoping to make a poker or a pinochle joke but I couldn’t quite formulate it properly. You nailed it, congratulations!
Losing it at the contrast between Rex Morgan (there’s a stalker! how frightening! oh actually it went fine and he died on his own actually) vs Mary Worth (oh, tensions between Dawn and her dad’s recent fling, that’ll be awkwar– NEVER MIND SHES POURING DRAIN CLEANER IN THE TEA?????), I can only assume Mary Worth is absorbing all the unused escalation from rex morgan in order to maintain equilibrium in the papers
MW: So we’re progressed to all the way to attempted murder, huh? With a few weeks left in this storyline, I wonder if we’re headed towards a long court procedural or the birth of a new batman villain (Florida Woman?)
Shoe: Of all the single-word questions you could ask in that situation, I think that ‘when’ is beaten only by ‘why’ and ‘how’ and only slightly better than ‘where’.
H&L: /Thirsty, holding two fingers 18 inches from his face/ “Yeah, I can still make them out. Better make it two, and keep that bottle of gin handy…”
@Activist: At this point, it’s been months of inane Weston “drama.” Dawn’s relationship with the belligerent brat Dirk ended not with the bang of an exciting sexually transmitted infection but with the whimper of a bowling ball causing at least one lost toenail. Her insensitive father decided that rather than comfort her, he would regale her with the graphic details of his sexual encounter with some kinky Floridian broad. The tale continues at a dragging pace with the audience made to bear witness to Wilbur’s cyber sex life as Belle chortles mockingly at the descriptions Wilbur gave her. She doesn’t have to wait long until Wilbur breaks all social and cyber etiquettes to give out his full address and discovers that the main obstacle between her and the Butterball turkey is his codependent adult daughter.
The homicidal gears begin to turn…
@Ukulele Ike: Thanks. Yeah, I felt something nerdier was appropriate.
FG: I see now why the Lizardmen carry those two-pronged weapons. They make handy crutches in case one has to shed a leg. I hope he’ll soon regrow his limb, give up the warrior lifestyle and settle down with a former grape-picker to raise the Lizardbaby. I love a happy ending.
MW: to be fair Belle’s murder spree is just quirk and an endearing at that
@Needless Exposition: MW: honest question did Wilbur and Dawn ever talk about abusive Dirk? I’m sure I wasn’t paying attention.
Feeling ripped off now that Mary Worth didn’t show us the absolutely insane way Wilbur and Belle met up and interacted, it was simply too much for the writers to imagine.
@astroboy:
I’m betting on psychopath. I hope Dawn makes it out of this alive. Maybe Mary’s muffins will sop up the lye and exposes the lies before this corrosive relationship takes a really dark turn.
What does the comic strip writer have against Dawn? Did he get dumped by a girl way back when, and is now an uncle plotting misogynistic revenge against at all young woman who remind him of the girl who turned him down?
It’s your comic strip. Go get a therapist rather than living out your revenge fantasies in a freaking comic strip.
The fact that Belle is clearly brewing tea in the BATHROOM is the delectable icing on this cake of absolute madness.
Correction, “incel” rather than uncle. Spell check typo.
@Anonymous:
I don’t understand the premise of your question. You do know the strip is written by a woman, right?
@Professor Well Actually: Dawn briefly mentioned having a rather “unpleasant” experience with Dirk and Wilbur brushed it off with “Well, you don’t have to remember what you don’t like.” So both of them downplayed the whole experience so that Wilbur could get into the filthy details of his sex life because Moy thinks that’s what we all want to hear.
@astroboy: Karen Moy does come across as a female misogynist with how so many of the women in Charterstone are lazy doormats who need a man to solve their problems.
@astroboy: Good call out.
@Guts Dozier: The kitchen has somehow turned INTO a bathroom. I think. But I can’t even figure out whether that weird blue panel with the diagonal black slashes is a window or a mirror, so what do I know.
@Needless Exposition: And?
@JeffMcm: Wilbur met her when he walked into what he thought was the buffet room but was actually where they were holding the Russian roulette tourney.
@Needless Exposition: At this point, it’s been months of inane Weston “drama.”
Moy works off a modified Dungeons and Dragons random encounter table, rolling a d20. On a 1-16 it’s the Westons, 17 is Ed and Stella, 18 is Ian and Toby, 19 is Mary and Jeff, 20 a new character moves into Charterstone.
MW: Okay, folks, what should Belle be singing to herself while she poisons Dawn’s tea instead of that completely inane “La la la”? Let’s face it, just about anything would be better than “La la la.” My aging brain is no help — all it can come up with is “Paint It Black.” I have a feeling most rock-murder songs are post-1980, so I won’t know them, but I’d still be interested in any ideas.
@Butker psuedonym: You sound like the kind of person whose mind is blown by the revelation that women can vote, run a business, smoke cigars, and poop. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to process this information and grow as a person. :)
As our esteemed blog host noted at the time, Wilbur learned it from Mary.
@Ken: Either Moy has been getting bad rolls or she’s confused her D12 for a D20 after the Ed and Estelle thing.
@Ken: Gaslighting is a staple among the sociopaths of Charterstone’s fine community of residents who constantly seek validation and lack accountability because everyone else is stupid except for them. To be fair, I’m pretty sure there was a methane gas leak at some point which is why we’ve had a lack of pool parties and Carlos Alora hasn’t been seen in years.
@Needless Exposition: All of that from a 1 word/3 letter response? TBH I was poking fun at the prevalent misogynist attitudes and implying that May is a pseudonym of the kicker from the KC Chiefs. Whether it worked or was humorous or not is a separate question. But it doesn’t change the fact that you went way overboard with your completely unhinged opinion of who I might be.
@Butker psuedonym: I do apologize if I came across as rude. We’ve had some trolls around here and I did post without thinking. Again, I’m sorry for my post if it upset you in any way.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Four wrinkly Buddhist monks playing poker? Funny.
Four alter kakers playing pinochle? Funnier.
D&D? Brilliant.