Jon minus reasons to live
Post Content
Garfield, 7/19/25
True comics internet oldheads remember Garfield Minus Garfield, a webcomic that, as the title implied, took daily Garfield comics in which Jon and Garfield interacted and simply removed Garfield from them. This became a minor internet sensation back in 2008, and apparently tickled Jim Davis so much that it became an officially licensed book. That was many years ago, and I hope I don’t sound churlish when I say that the concept never really worked for me because it seemed slightly off. Surely the joke should not be that Jon is alone and talking to nobody; Garfield should remain in the frame but his thought balloons should be removed, to show us the “real” world where Jon is just a depressed and/or deranged man talking to his cat, who, like all cats, cannot understand him or talk back. Today’s strip is a great example of why that would work. “It doesn’t get any better than this,” says Jon, with absolutely no joy in his eyes, before staring at his cat for two panels in absolute silence.
Mary Worth, 7/19/25
21st century commercial air travel is, in terms of deaths or injuries per mile, the safest form of transportation humankind has ever produced. I guess it’s slightly more dangerous than simply staying at home and sitting absolutely still, so technically Mary isn’t wrong when she says it’s “a privilege and also a risk,” but she is being extremely overdramatic. She’s also referring to flying coach via Denver to New York City, a place she’s visited at least twice before, as “explor[ing] the unknown,” so she’s really on one today, I guess.
Dustin, 7/19/25
Helen is clearly used to Ed not specifying that he wants his bacon crispy and then complaining when he gets it and it’s not crispy, so she intervenes in panel one here, hoping that their waitress will not in fact hate them by the end of the meal. By panel three we can already see her effort was in vain.
180 replies to “Jon minus reasons to live”
Mary Worth Mashups: Which missing final panel do you wish were canon?
Family Circus: OK, let me understand this little tableaux. Thel just arrived home from hours of shopping. She left the baby alone at home with just a bowl of glop for entertainment. This is approaching Hi and Lois-level Trixie abandonment.
Pluggers: Uh huh, like a plugger owns a suit. Pull the other one, McKee.
Dennis the Menace: Wow, those are some well-drawn low color background characters. You can tell they’re people and everything.
@Baja Gaijin: That’s like asking if I want a million dollars, or a million dollars, or a million dollars. Those three options are all EXXXXCELLENT!
MW:
“Of course, the plane isn’t going to crash because then there wouldn’t be a strip anymore, and that’s not going to happen, obviously — so why am I ruminating about this in the first place, anyway?”
Garfield:
“But it is going to get just a little bit better when Godot shows up.”
MW: Mary smiles to herself, admitting that the REAL reason she has avoided flying up until now is because taking her shoes off in the security line also revealed her advanced case of toenail fungus.
I definitely remember a Garfield Minus Garfield counterpart that just removed the thought balloons. In fact, it might have been first? Someone else probably remembers better than me.
Dustin: Helen’s plea to the waitress for an escape falls on apathetic ears thanks to Ed once again being a passive aggressive asshole.
MW: Mary seems to have it in her head that being crammed into a Boeing 737 like a sardine makes her the next Amelia Earhart.
MW: wow, Mary is truly bold.
MW – This is a new level of twatwaffledom for Mary doing a victory lap for getting on an airplane. She’s even more self-absorbed than Frazz, Ed Kudlick, and Wilbur Weston combined.
MW: Flying was a privilege if you made history doing it with the Wright Brothers (and maybe Mary did) Now, if you can buy a ticket, you can fly.
RMMD:
“You wouldn’t happen to know where this Spuds guy is now, would you?”
“Hooked up with a Duchess — Anna was her name, I think, but Spuds and Anna didn’t see eye-to-eye. Ended up with some gal named O’Brien. He and she then moved to the third-largest city in France, northwest of the French Alps, so I guess that makes him Lyonnaise.”
Family Circlejerk – It’s difficult to look at today’s installment. It looks like Jeffy barfed on P. J.
@Blackdrazon: I have the same recollection. Removing the speech bubbles came first. Garfield Minus Garfield came later as a more absurdist take.
Garfield: “It doesn’t get better than this” Ugh, he’s not wearing pants, is he?
MW: I joked last week that this week we would probably be treated to Mary doing mundane activities at the airport, but I have to admit, “Mary stands in the middle of the terminal silently contemplating the privilege of air travel” was not something I had guessed.
Dustin: Yeah, that is indeed crispy bacon (?). “Also I want my eggs over easy. How over easy? Let me put it to you this way: I’d like the white set but the yolk to be runny, such that it flows out when I cut through the center!”
MW: Dare we hope Mary’s reverie is foreshadowing a dramatic plane crash?
Guess that’s asked-and-answered, putting “dramatic” anywhere near Mary Worth.
Mary has only been back in the spotlight of her own comic for a few weeks but she’s definitely trying to make up for lost time. You thought Wilbur was a self absorbed narcissist for preparing to sacrifice his daughter so he could get laid? Now we have Mary age creeping on a teenage girl while still acting like she’s some sort of pioneer because she went on a plane.
Crankshaft : and that old friend was… Fergus “Mud Mountain” Murphy! It’s lucky Bat
iukTON THOMAS hates the Internet, and doesn’t pay attention to what the current batch of kids actually like, otherwise his smug “I became successful, he never did” would fly off his face like a swingset on the Moon.************
Dustin : DustinDad will STILL complain after dinner, whining that he would have rather had chewy, greasy bacon than dry, brittle stuff. And then, when he orders the other way around the next time, he’ll complain he’d rather have had it crispy.
***********
Garfield vs Mary Worth : sure, treating a simple trip across the country to meet at a friend’s house as if it was an epic, dangerous adventure into the unknown might seem kinda pathetic, but remember that there are people who don’t have friends to travel to, and probably couldn’t even muster the courage to leave their house even if they did. Those people are bullied by their cats.
At least Jon never had to deal with Garfield purposefully urinating on a chair right before he sat on it@Powers: I think I also saw a “Garfield Minus” which was three blank panels, but surely as a one-off spoof – or would it be a meta-spoof?
RMMD: Truck points passed himself to Door No. 2, and out steps the REAL father– Rex? Mud? Doc Pritchet?
Nah, I called it weeks ago but modestly won’t mention it. Real question thinking of Truck and Keith (MW), do older men also have a ticking biological clock?
GA: So the cook at Corky’s is not Clovia but a different brown-haired woman. Checked Characters in Wikipedia, where the cook is named as Hope. How does Baleen fit in?
@Ken: Dare we hope Mary’s reverie is foreshadowing a dramatic plane crash?
I feel like we’re overdue for a Lost reboot. I’m not saying that there’s a high chance of crashing on an island between LAX and Newark, but it’s not nil.
@pugfuggly: If we’re going by the luck of the Charterstone sociopaths, Mary’s going to wind up being pampered and primped in the Hamptons.
MW: Here in Fla during the run up to the vote on legalizing weed the antis specifically cited Denver as a place where you couldn’t go anywhere without marijuana smoke being blown in your face. Perhaps, Mary’s confused thoughts are indicative of time spent wondering around the Denver airport which, if the narration box is to be believed, has already lasted several days.
Garfield Minus Joy.
@Baja Gaijin: Number Three: Wilbur after having a foodgasm is now basking in a post-prandial hazy dream like state thinking about him and Bats in their swimsuits walking on the beach.
Dustin: [five minutes spent explaining how to cook the bacon]
And how do you want those eggs?
“You decide. I’m not fussy.”
@pugfuggly: Since she’s flying through DIA — likely the only airport with a “Conspiracy Theories” section in its wikipedia entry — Mary could wander through some alien portal and find herself on the Lost island. Then Wilbur washes up on shore after being shipwrecked again, and we all realize that we’re the ones who are dead and in hell.
“It doesn’t get any better than this.” – Quality Control at Jim Davis Inc.
DT: Nice use of clip art. Yesterday: Luger Pistol + Energy Source from Rick and Morty Portal Gun = super zapper. Generic lab background today.
RMMD: Yeah, right, your marriage broke up because your wife was fooling around. Truck, in all your years of song writing, haven’t you figured out cause and effect aren’t always what you want them to be?
JP: Why is the barista running with them? He works there, is a local and is familiar with Norway – why isn’t he calling the police or helping to settle the crowd, and help the wounded. UNLESS he is part of the set up. The thing was a set up. The job in Norway -fake, subliminal messages and their landlady hinted to go to this place, where the cartoon bad guy egged April on to explode. Knowing the girls would flee and call the person, they are truly seeking. Barista guy now has a signal trace and a number. Sounds crazy but in the JP universe, this is rock solid plotting!
MW: Too bad MW doesn’t have an inner ear problem that prevents her from flying and she has to take a series of trains and busses. Then the travel time might just match the cartoon strip time.
MW: The adventure set to begin at last, Mary prepares to board her flight. Mary Worth, Famed Aviatrix, dons her close-fitting leather helmet, adjusts her goggles, and throws the end of her light purple tasseled scarf over her shoulder. “Contact!” she calls out, tightening her seatbelt. Nearby, a wary flight attendant signals a nearby air marshall to spring into action. “We’ve got another one in seat G12,” she says as, from the rear of the plane, the air marshall resolutely removes a similarly attired beagle.
Helen’s gratuitous little smile is the opposite Blondie‘s constant efforts to validate Dagwood’s wackiness. I hate the guy saying “That’s so you, Dag!” because no one would ever do that. I hate Helen smiling at Ed’s asshole behavior because that’s just what she would do.
Garfield – Ain’t lookin’ for nothin’ but a good time! Right guys….
MW – Plumb the depths, Mary! The seamy side of the midtown NYC Hilton….
Dustin – It’s that witty repartee that endears him to the menial class….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW: Contra Josh, flying IS a big risk these days, because the FAA has been gutted. Hopefully Mary’s plane won’t land upside down.
CS: It’s nice that, at his age, Tom Batiuk is learning new words and using them. “Nictitating membrane,” very nice Tom. But that “transparent or translucent third eyelid” didn’t signify “an unforeseen line,” it signified that he’d just done a few bong rips, and was so. fucking. bored. with you and your droning about comic books.
@Baja Gaijin: Panel 3 reminds me of that random scene of Wilbur eating a hamburger in the middle of Keith Hillend’s story where the audience learns that there’s no escape from Wilbur Weston.
@Activist: Nope, we keep shooting live rounds til the end.
Might take a little longer to shoot off that live round, for some people it might need pharmaceutical assistance, but it’s possible. Willie Nelson was 56 when his youngest was born. Tony Randall became a dad for the first time at 77. Here’s a list.
@treetown: As a former touring musician, I have thoughts (and some stories) about Truck’s predicament.
All I know is Truck’s wife is lucky Allison Krauss didn’t hear about it.
Dustin: There was an Phineas and Ferb episode where Phineas and Ferb built a old-style all-day breakfast diner. Candace was the waitress.
Patron: Do you have bacon?
Candace: Yes, yes we do.
Patron: Is it good?
Candace: It’s bacon.
That line alone trumps about 10 years of attempted humour from Dustin.
Dustin – I hope she tests every piece of bacon by dropping it on the floor and then bringing Ed a plate of shattered bacon. After the entire kitchen has spit on it, of course.
MW- I guess Moy decided to have Mary wax poetic instead of the usual “what do you mean ‘ it’s over 50 pounds ‘?”
Dustin – Ed insures against extra crispy bacon by having the server spit into it.
Dustin: Oh, c’mon Ed. You know full well that not even a single crumb of that bacon is going to fall in the ground. Your gaping maw would hoover it up midair faster than you could say, “Lord, I wish my son were here so I could insult him somehow.”
Dustin-“So crispy that if I throw it it gets stuck in my lazy good for nothing son’s forehead.”
RMMD-“Now call me ‘Daddy’.”
MW-Ah yes. The risk of someone crashing the plane so they don’t have to hear you talk anymore, Mary.
MW-You could take the train or the bus, Mary.
FC-“I have got to teach you how to swallow.”
CS – “A barely perceptible look crossed his face like a nictating membrane of a bird’s eye.” I remember reading that sentence in 2001 in the alt.fan.humor newsgroup under the heading “Teachers share examples of terrible student writing.” I’m glad Batiuk was able to repurpose it.
Garfield: “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
Jon is standing on a stack of C notes, so yeah.
@Weaselboy:
A barely perceptible look crossed his face like a nictitating membrane of a bird’s eye
Bouton uses basically that line when describing Mickey Mantel shutting the bus window on clamoring fans.
“And he likes his bacon crispy…like his men!”
@pugfuggly: “He’s not wearing pants, is he?”
Garfield? Never has, never will. Which is inconvenient, considering that by walking upright on two legs all the time, his little cat dick keeps dangling in Jon’s face. O, how tempting that must be for a perennial bachelor!
@treetown: re JP: or … Barista saw everyone get up and attack April and realized there are no real customers to help. Maybe that’s why every table was full when we usually just have morning takeaway business he thinks as he runs off in shock, not realizing that because he went with Sophie, he, like Reena, is now trapped in the Spencer-Driver Dumb Plot zone. At the back of his mind there’s a little voice trying to wake up his common sense, but the emergency number digits have already been erased from his mind and his fingers can’t seem to touch the phone in his pocket…
In the entire history of the universe, the words “Let me put it this way” have never, ever preceded something funny.
While I liked Garfield minus Garfield, I personally blame it for making Jim Davis feel sorry for Jon, in turn giving Jon a full-time girlfriend killing about 90% of Garfield’s humor.
I mean the comic would have gone downhill either way, but still…
@Buck Ripsnort: Got me thinking to this one comic, where Jon’s brother comes to visit, Jon suggests going on a double date.
Doc Boy: What’s that?
Jon: Its where you and I go on a date together.
Doc Boy: I dunno… wouldn’t it be more fun if we brought some girls along?
MW: *Denver* to NYC? Did I miss something? Wouldn’t she fly out of LAX?
And the roof of DIA’s terminal is shaped to depict the Rockies, it’s not a smooth curve like that. Mary’s not the only one who’s on someting LOL
Also, no palm trees in Colorado.
Garfield – Come now, don’t be so negative about your own comic strip. Look on the bright side: It doesn’t get any worse than this, either.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I put up a new birdhouse”
“Do you know what sort of birds it will attract?”
“Well, supposedly birds can judge a person’s character”
“They must have heard about my business dealings!”
@Astroboy: Via Denver, which presumably means Mary’s itinerary is LAX-DIA-LAG. Mary is presumably about to embark on the first leg of this trip, which means we can look forward to her using her layover time to seek out the lizard people and lecture them about their plans to unleash Blucifer and bring about Armageddon.
MW: if Mary dies in a fiery crash who will take her place in the Worthverse? Will it become the Westonverse?
Garfield: You can tell this strip is written by one of Davis’s underpaid interns these days.
MW: This is the first time we’ve seen Mary travel in ages, by my recollection. She’s normally content to sit in the middle of her meddleweb.
Dustin: “Let me put it this way… you see how brittle I am? Just like that.”
MW: At least twice before? Josh, Mary used to live in New York. All those years of pushing that apple cart through the streets has made her very familiar with that city.
@Baja Gaijin: Where’s “Mary spends the entire flight next to all four screaming Wilburbabies”?
@Peanut Gallery:
Well, there *IS* one way things could become worse (for Garfield) : if they stopped making frozen pudding pops.
SPECIAL FOR JOSH: A belated birthday gift.
Luann: Yeah, the people who couldn’t get into Hall H are going to be really happy with this alternative.
CS: “Also, something was slouching toward Bethlehem for some reason.”
9CL: Meanwhile, the mattress saleswoman is screaming at them, “Get the fuck out of my store!”
Dustin: I feel for the waitress. Look at her. That is the face of a woman who has had to wait on the Dustparents every Saturday morning, week in and week out, listening to their bacon-related demands and threatening to sic ICE on the kitchen staff when they don’t get it exactly right, leaving a measley buck behind when they bother to tip at all. She keeps herself in profile to keep them from guessing all the bodily fluids she has seasoned their breakfast combos with.
MW: God, I hope whoever gets stuck next to Mary on the flight has a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones on them.
@Baja Gaijin: It’s a tough choice between #1 and #3, but Wilbur fatigue breaks the tie in #1’s favor.
PMP: The Game Boy was discontinued in 2008.
@Baja Gaijin: Ah yes, the Wilbur life!
Gasoline Alley: Baleen is frightened at Slim calling himself an automotive engineer.
She spreads the news quickly in this small town. Not because she’s a gossip, but because Slim’s replaced the pads and rotors on her car.
GT: What’s going BUZZ in the first panel, a motorized citrus juicer?
I pick on the sound effects in GT but the SHK! SHK! SHK! is legit good.
C’shaft: “Wonder what became of that Eddie Van Halen guy, anyway.”
RMMD: Oh good, the angst of never really knowing his biological father lasted all of one panel before Truck stepped in with the found family moral. Anything more than that would be too much drama for this strip.
@Hibbleton: I think Bouton and Batiuk would have gotten along well. They were both pedestrian major leaguers aho thought they were God’s gift to the world.
Garfield-“Sad isn’t it?” I agree. Garfield’s ugly mug used to be plastered all the place now he can’t even tell good jokes.
Mary Worth: Has Mary ever been in a dangerous situation even once in this comic? Even in the most “dramatic” (term used loosely) stories, I’ve only ever seen her observing from a safe distance with absolutely no skin in the game. It certainly explains why she thinks getting on an airplane is adrenaline junkie behavior; she’s so sheltered that crossing the street after looking both ways probably gets her blood pumping.
Dustin: What waitress asks “crispy or extra crispy”? That’s like asking if you want a cold drink or a colder drink.
@ectojazzmage:
On Mary Worth : there WAS the time she was the victim of the Central Park Mad Shover!
@3 Bob Tice: This could be the event that officially changes the strip to “The Days and Nights of Wilbur Weston.”
@7 Needless Exposition: on Mary Worth: If only Mary Worth would end up like Emelia Earhart, shark food in the remote Pacific Ocean.
@19 Activist: on Gasoline Alley: How does Baleen fit in? With a few pounds of oleo rubbed on her thunder thighs.
@22 Hibbleton: Why is everyone saying Mary’s in the Denver airport? It has exactly zero palm trees outside nor does it have any Habitrails for Humans going to the rental garage.
@33 Needless Exposition: I love that scene!
@51 Astroboy: THANK YOU!!!
@58 ValdVin: Maaaaaaybe!
@Blackdrazon: Yes. It was called “Arbuckle,” and it involved people redrawing the panels to make Garfield look more realistic as well.
Mary Worth: “Airline travel — a privilege and also a risk!” is the TSA’s new slogan. Heck, Mary brought printed signs to the airport with her just to make sure. (If she’s led out in handcuffs, it will only prove her point.)
Blondie: Dagwood thinks they just started the neighborhood Facebook page? He should have seen what they were saying about him before he joined. (It mostly had to do with his gluttony, his constant napping, his physical attractiveness differential with his wife, his mad dash to the carpool every morning, the fact that everyone on the block has walked in on him in the bath at some point, and a whole subsection called “Why is that kid there again?”)
The original “Arbuckle”: http://tailsteak.com/archive.php?num=414
@70 ectojazzmage: Has Mary Worth ever been in a dangerous situation? Yes–she willingly went into Wilbur Weston’s garbage dump of an apartment during his fish funeral phase. Who knows how many filth-endemic diseases she’d been exposed to, in addition to being exposed Wilbur’s heavily stained and gaping-open boxer shorts.
MW: Oh, come on, there MUST be direct flights from Los Angeles to New York, the two largest cities in the country. I’ve not been to LA in years but I know I spent the full 5-6 hours in the air.
GT: Thorp’s bimbo busies herself squeezing buzzing potatoes. Say THAT three times fast.
DT: We saw this character running in silhouette last Sunday; I can’t say she has a particularly voluptuous and womanly figure. Did any of you guess she would be female? (Love the blonde’s hair standing on end in panel two!)
Crank: Oh god, Batuik’s just fucking with us now. By Tuesday there will no art at all, just three panels stuffed with Henry James-style prose.
It’s shocking to see Mary Worth get political, but she knows she’s taking her life in her hands getting on an airplane with the one exhausted air traffic controller left at the airport using Grok to help with the workload.
Dustbin Daddy: And I’d like my eggs over easy. How over easy? Easier than your MOM!
Completely agree on Garfield Minus Garfield. It always felt off to me and I didn’t think it worked because Jon is usually talking to Garfield, so removing him entirely to make Jon speaking to himself made no sense. But your revision of including Garfield without the thought bubbles is 100% funnier. Take notes, Garfield Minus Garfield guy
@Ukulele Ike: Hey, that’s “Henry (Painful Duty) James” to us wannabe Algonquin Round Table sorts.
CS: And every now and then, I go visit that loser who’s still living in that same dumpy apartment and rub his nose in it.
BG&SS: Elmer “Riding tomorrow’s dinner to today’s dinner” is certainly different.
Blondie: Seems a bit old-fashioned that a letter-carrier on foot is giving Dagwood the Nextdoor updates, but don’t worry: Tomorrow’s hot gossip will be delivered by Mr. Beasley via Pony Express.
Arlo & Janis: The three silent panels set this apart from any other “one of a married couple falls asleep on the couch” gag I’ve seen. There are few new jokes to tell, but how you set them up is important.
Beetle Bailey: I gotta applaud the chaplain, who doesn’t have a lot of lines, but he makes them count.
JP: I can’t get over the italicized speech bubbles. They just seem like whispers or narration and my brain doesn’t register them as regular talking.
The Lockhorns: Do you miss Mary Meddler and Dr. Jeff canoodling? I will when I tune in tomorrow for the aftermath of Lockhorns makeup sex!
9CL: Is this normal behavior for couples in public? I think I’ll just stick with The Lockhorns.
@taig: Mary is the Professor Moriarty of Meddle.
Hey, Baja! Here’s a girl you need to meet!
No, she’s not a clown.
JP: Who’s Sophie phoning, her oldie BF in Lawn Guyland?
“Can you send me an airplane ticket? I’m freaking out and demand I come home immediately.”
@Professor Well Actually: And she has no Sherlock Holmes to stop her. At best, Wilbur and his problems distract her from other meddling.
@Ukulele Ike: ….meanwhile, the scandahoovian is trying to figure out how to get them both into bed at the same time.
@Rover Berkeley: In the world of 9 Chickweed Lane, yes, this is typical behavior, especially in diners and on New York City street corners. In reality, not so much.
As several others have noted, “Garfield minus the thought bubbles” did actually come before “Garfield Minus Garfield”! It was called “De_Garfed,” and started roughly 2006 (though it seems it was inspired by others doing similar stuff elsewhere, though I can’t find examples of that.
https://de-garfed.livejournal.com
And if he meets someone genuine on the beaches of Bogota who against all odds actually falls for him, there could be a spinoff called “The Real Housewives of Colombia.”
RMMD: Six feet under. Now that I know Varla cheated on me with him I don’t feel so bad about shooting him for cheating me in that drug deal.
MW: As I recall, Mary’s previous flights involved floating heads outside the window. Who will be in her “thoughts” this trip?
@89 Sequitur: Some of those dishes look ready for Late Thread Cuisine.
@95 Bob Tice: With so many scenes shot on Bogota’s famous beaches.
@97 Myrtle: Once she’s in the air, we’ll see…
Frazz – Before we know it, Mrs. Olsen will be running ten miles a day and mocking everyone who doesn’t have this lifestyle.
Pickles – Or Life Imitating Norman Rockwell.
Crankshaft – Batiuk watched a documentary about birds and has been dying to use that. No, wait – it’s more likely that he read it in a comic book about birds.
It’s a toss up as to which is worse: the author avatar’s smug self regard or the bottom of the pit writing.
JP – Well, you could call the police.
Mary Worth – Mary will pat herself on the back for going through security, checking her bag, finding her gate, buying a snack at the Starbucks next to the gate, boarding with the correct group, finding an overhead bin and stowing her carryon herself, and fastening her seat belt.
This is going to take weeks. It’s not just a trip, it’s a massive ego trip.
Ripley’s – Judging the impressions contest was easy, because everyone was doing an impression of Walter Pidgeon.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashups – I like all of them!
@100 I speak Jive: Thanks.
Crank: Everyone Is Either Keeping Me Down Or Jealous Of My Success: The Batton Thomas Story.
DT: So the apparent inventor of this electrical-discharge gun is named Tess, and her company is Lakoyle Laboratories… oh, good grief. Really, Curtis? Really??
RMMD: Maw Broon was a bit of a gardener, and from what I’ve picked up, I’m pretty sure six feet under is far too deep to bury spuds.
@ectojazzmage:
-That guy who tried to molest her in her apartment.
-Being shoved to the ground by a vagrant.
-Being stalked by a stalker.
Um…. that’s about it I think.
@Baja Gaijin:
@22 Hibbleton: Why is everyone saying Mary’s in the Denver airport? It has exactly zero palm trees outside nor does it have any Habitrails for Humans going to the rental garage.
“Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” —M. Twain
“But he never said that!”
“Never let the truth get in the way of a good quote.” —K. Moy
@Horace Broon: re: DT: Didn’t notice that. Thanks for pointing it out. I guess.
Fiction-writing 101: When introducing a new character, do not give them the same name as a protagonist. Like Dick Tracy’s wife since 1934, Tess.
I had to give up halfway through Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude because all the generations of the family kept giving the newborns traditional family names and I lost track of all the Juans, Joses, Rosas, and Marias.
RMMD: Truck may be legally right, back in the day anyway. In some states I think there was an irrebuttable presumption that any child conceived during a marriage is the child of the husband, paternity tests be darned.
That ensured the child would be financially supported and the marriage strengthened. Now though DNA probably rules. Anyone know?
RMMD: Of course, six feet under is just a figure of speech. We couldn’t afford a real funeral so he’s buried in a shallow grave outside of Las Vegas. Frank Sinatra told me where his mob buddies used to dispose of the dead hookers and squealers.
Garfield – The Web 2.0 blog-to-book pipeline was a more optimistic Internet era, before algorithms flooded timelines with low-effort brain rot.
I am sure most of those books collect dust on Millennial bookshelves next to a box of Cards Against Humanity that hasn’t been opened since 2018, but for a good decade a lot of writers hoped that one weird or unique idea would go viral and get them formally published in print, justifying (and hopefully paying off the student loans of) their English degree.
Mary Worth – While air travel has its benefits, the short duration its costs. If Mary had taken a cross-country train over a few days, she could have had a whole train car of victims to meddle with.
Dustin – The writer of this strip was rewatching the Parks and Recreation episode “Indianapolis”, where Ron Swanson says his famous line “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I’m worried what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have”. Do you understand?”.
The problem with this riff is 1) It’s not funny, and 2) DustinDad is not a likable character.
@108 Philip: on Mary Worth: Even better, Amtrak trains have to pull over onto sidings while freight trains pass. Unexpected delays out in the middle of nowhere, trapping potential meddlees on the train itself for hours and hours beyond the timetable schedule. Mary really didn’t think this travel through, now did she?
Dustin: The wording in the last panel is ambiguous: Does the impact shatter the bacon, or the floor? To clarify — This cafe’s bacon isn’t heavy enough to break a floor. That would be the coffee.
Garfield: I can testify, there were a couple of Garfield edits where they removed Garf’s thought bubbles and they were amazing.
Maybe PAWS didn’t like them as much because they were too depressing, seeing a grown man treat a housepet as a peer.
@111 Human-eared Dragon: How’s todays’ Garfield minus Garfield hitcha?
@Anonymous: Well, that sent me down quite a rabbit hole!
HTT Grandma, recalling her Woodstock years, could probably provide a lesson.
I like that book so much I have it on my Mantle.
Today’s Mary Worth is a good example of what is known as “filler”, a strip that doesn’t advance anything, was relatively easy to draw, and satisfies another day’s worth of contractual obligations.
I thought Grok was writing this drivel. Who the fruck says privilege and risk to anything?
My fun is dealing with security. Since I wear a leg brace, I go through the x-ray machine, which requires greater scrutiny. Twice in the last couple years TSA has gotten my willies. When I’ve asked why there, I’m told something suspicious may have shown up in the x-ray. Should I feel flattered?
FC: As a lifetime loather of all porridges and hot cereal concoctions I’ve got to side with PJ on this one.
@112 Baja Gaijin:
Now for something Josh never asked for.
Dustin: Listen, lady, giving the cook permission to burn his bacon is one of Dustdad’s more likeable traits. It don’t get any better than this.
MW: Every once in a while Mary needs to take a step back from her Charterstone empire, if only for the sake of plausible deniability.
@119 Sequitur: Yeah, I don’t think “Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Marvin” is going anywhere.
9CL: Or wait until your credit card receipt has printed, at least.
BB: Chaplain Staneglass certainly dresses like a Protestant but I wasn’t expecting him to go full “There go them bloody Catholics filling up the bloody world with bloody people they can’t afford to bloody feed.”
C-Shaft: The distance between a man who smoked pot and took the occasional hit of acid and another whose favored high was sweet, sweet superiority.
DT: “What? So I dragged my feet on the carpet a little. Sor-ry!”
GT: If Gil is going to walk around naked for the next two weeks I vote we switch POV over to
MimiEmily and the kids over in Deutschland.JP: We all appreciate that Sophie is such a big fan of Marcel Marceau, but that being the case, she should know better than to talk during her “The Glass Box” tribute.
RMMD: It would be interesting if Truck were lying right now and Spuds were still alive. Once Cody found out, everybody—Spuds, Cody, and Truck—would have to figure out where they stood with each other. So to sum up, we definitely know that Truck is telling the truth.
I’m obligated to mention Square Root of Minus Garfield, the meta-meta-webcomic spoof consisting of user-submitted transformations of Garfield. Find out whether they’ve stopped making those frozen pudding pops! (Spoiler: yes)
Having worked as a cook in a place that serves breakfast, allow me to share that the “crispy” bacon people are the absolute dirt WORST. Making a point of it is shorthand for “I am an asshole.” This is perfectly on-brand for Ed. If you are one of these, repent and change your ways, lest ye be visited by 3 spirits of restaurant employees, who…well, knowing us, will probably drink all your beer.
I feel like United or Whoever-The-Hell Is Left Airlines has some kind of bomb in Mary’s brain. Yes, the general shittiness of air travel is a PRIVILEGE, folks. So fly United! And eat Drake’s while you use Tide!
It might be as good as it gets, Jon. Somebody tripping balls once informed me that an aura that was pink, like the void you’re currently inhabiting, was a sign of blissful peace. Maybe it’s your reward for reading Siddhartha, even though it didn’t help you score?
@A Grave Mind: I don’t eat out anymore, but I would still really appreciate knowing more about why crispy-bacon people are the absolute dirt worst. I am very curious, so please don’t hold back.
Also you got a poteeterisk* yesterday, and I mention that only because I posted the comment so ridiculously late that probably no one saw it, except for Bob Tice who posted even later:-).
MW: Far be it from me to diss your astounding spirit of adventure, Mary, as you bravely prepare to enter an actual airplane so you can fly to the unknown and uncharted wilds of NYC. To address your question, however, some of us feel very fortunate and delighted to be able to spend our time at home, and we don’t sit around staring into space and drooling, either. Most of the time.
@Poteet:
I DID see! And thanks so much. Praise from Caesar, as I always say. I can make a funny person laugh, I’ve had a good day.
Bacon is made in batches, of varying sizes, sometimes not even by the Line Cooks. We just get the bacon currently. So now, if it’s not to your specs, we have to further alter it (usually throw it in the deep fryer). They’re the dirt worst because so many of them are SO DAMN ABOUT IT. We got one like Ed. He wanted it to “shatter like glass,” then sent it back because his pieces were broken. You can imagine how much we love this while making 40 people’s breakfasts. It’s not steak, everyone. It’s pretty great however it’s cooked. I’m excluding, of course, the people who demand it crispy, then send it back because it’s “overdone.” RAGE!
How does DustDad like his eggs?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
That’s a very excellent list you came up with, but please do add Slim from GA. The past few days of Slim have just about out-Wilbured Wilbur.
@Poteet:
Why not eat out anymore, Poteet? It’s one of civilization’s simple fine joys
@A Grave Mind: @Poteet: I always make my own bacon crispy, but I never order it in breakfast places. The finest possible diner breakfast is a cheese omelette with home fries, buttered rye toast, and a side order of sausage with a large tomato juice, lemon on the side.
@GarrisonSkunk:
Guarantee you he’s the asshat who gets super-overdone bacon, with runny-ass eggs, just to make no sense
@A Grave Mind: The breakfast I just described could be ordered in NYC when I was a younger man for under $15 total. I had it again on the upper east side last month and the tab was forty bucks, before tip. That’s why.
@Ukulele Ike:
Like your breakfast, Uke, which cheese?
@treetown: I have an inner-ear problem, but Earplanes ear plugs have enabled me to fly, though they also greatly reduce the ability to hear anything. I recommend them to whichever unfortunate passenger sits next to Mary.
According to “Mary Worth” lore where does she get her financing? That apple money must have run out by now.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: @Poteet: Batton Thomas is doing an outstanding job in the self absorption department this week.
@A Grave Mind: For a home omelette I might opt for Gruyere or Taleggio or another snooty cheese, but at a greasy spoon it’s safest to call for a Cheddar. American is perfectly fine when you’re nursing a hangover, in a true Bukowski mood. It melts good.
@Ukulele Ike:
I always go American, unless I’m going Greek, then it’s obvious.
I’m always so fascinated at people’s hangover breakfasts. I will take on anyone in a drinking competition (this hasn’t happened in 20 years), but, guh, everybody gets to laugh at me the day after. Any “hangover breakfast” I get will be seen again, very shortly. Ditto black coffee. Ditto the morning cigarette. Well, I don’t eat THAT, but, well, makes me puke
But what goes on the rye toast? Ever done marmalade? Sent straight from God
@A Grave Mind: Wow, thank you very kindly!
That bacon behavior is a revelation in complicated obnoxiousness. I appreciate your explanation. The perpetrators thereof deserve worse than having their beer vanish. You and your colleagues must need to cultivate a lot of forbearance.
I was always fond of Peanuts Minus Snoopy, myself – same premise, different strip.
Or, even better, I think it was called Garfield Plus Garfield, where the only change was replacing Garfield the cat with late president James Garfield.
@I speak Jive:
@A Grave Mind: I am NOT a sweet breakfast person — strictly savory. Extra butter on the rye toast, please, skip the jelly or jam or preserves or marmalade.
(occasionally blackberry preserves if someone is baking homemade biscuits, but sausage gravy would be the preference. In that case, substitute a Bloody Mary for the tomato juice)
@Austria: 3eanuts is also good.
@Bob Tice:
MW:
“Of course, the plane isn’t going to crash
_________________________________________
“Lt Col Meddler Mary Worth’s plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan, it spun in, there were no survivors.”
@Ukulele Ike:
I appreciate that. Sausage gravy is the only thing for biscuits. I generally go savory, too, but go ONE sweet thing
“What kind of life would that be?” “Mary’s Worst” turned into “What A Frazzhole!” so quickly I didn’t notice.
@Poteet:
Oh, forbearance is the heart of that business. But, really, isn’t it the heart of most?
My father and I never much got along, but I always respected that he’d order crispy bacon, and if it wasn’t, he’d still eat it and just bitch about it to me. Then calculate the 15% tip to the exact cent.
Late Thread Cuisine: It’s not a salmon mold with red pepper spines and sliced olive eyes. Parsley is involved.
The Familliar Mucus: “Oh, boy! Milk-woman’s here! Just in time to give a squirt to the squirt! I’m parched!”, thinks P.J.
@Baja Gaijin: Can you make it extra crispy and shatter it on the floor, please?
@Baja Gaijin:
red pepper spines and sliced olive eyes.
______________________________________
“….Lucy in the sky with diamonds”
@Baja Gaijin:
Why? Whhhhyyyyyyy?????
@152 Baja Gaijin:
Just the thing for your bar or bat mitzvah.
@GarrisonSkunk: I think they’ve updated the Mary Worth backstory. Her wealth comes from investing in Apple in its early years. Thus her riches.
@A Grave Mind: I’ve never ordered bacon crispy, but I can understand why someone would. Too many times I’ve eaten bacon that isn’t quite done, and it’s too chewy. Plus the fat isn’t quite rendered, and I don’t like that. Usually the only time I have bacon in a restaurant is in a BLT, and I eat it without complaining.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: I think that was Apartment 3-G, when Tommie was working as a midwife.
JP has no rules at all.
@Baja Gaijin: Cuisine: Just think – someone worked on the presentation of that dish to make people look at it and think, “Yum! I can’t wait to dig into that delicious pile of jellied glop!”
MW: Jeff had a chance to share a bedroom with Mary and he turned it down. He chickened out. What does that say about him? Of course this could have been some kind of standoff. If Jeff had jumped at the chance to travel with Mary she would have found a chance to chicken out
@154 taig: Uh, I’ll leave that to the line cooks on the board.
@155 GarrisonSkunk: Maybe Bob Tice’ll flesh out your song start.
@156 A Grave Mind: My guess? The recipe creators were buzzed on Paregoric Coladas with chasers of Mercurochrome.
@157 Sequitur: True dat. Meat, no dairy.
@159 I speak Jive: Someone was paid a lot of money to stage that scene. Or someone had pictures of a food stylist in bed with an underage person or farm animal.
@160 Professor Well Actually: What does that say about him (Dr. Jeff)? He’s obviously been close to Mary’s shriveled leathery “salmon square” and don’t want none of it.
@Baja Gaijin: I’ll take Number Two, thank you.
@taig: Bwahaha!
@Baja Gaijin:
After they ran out of wood varnish
@163 Poteet:
You’re gonna take number two?
Well, enjoy the go.
@I speak Jive: #159. Jive, Cuisine– equally possible it was created for the cover photo of a woman’s magazine. I worked at one for a short time, and the entire staff would get into the cover shoot.
Cardboard layer “cakes” would be frosted with shaving cream which wouldn’t melt under the hot camera lights. Two weeks prior to the shoot we would decorate office to reflect the season that issue would be published. It actually was a blast but no one thought of eating the “food”.
@Activist: #167: I’ve read that ice cream in those photo shoots is actually mashed potatoes dyed to match the color of the flavor, like pink for strawberry.
Zippy – A giant hot dog eating a smaller hot dog? It really is a dog-eat-dog world.
CS: Why did you do that? The not so subtle difference was being a deliberate asshole to someone who you thought of as a friend. And btw a lot of guitar players become famous within the music industry and join the union and make a good living, even if you haven’t bothered to keep in touch. Doesn’t sound like you ever went to hear him play. And how you rationalize it, thinking that it was success that creates distance. You should be mortified by your behavior. Next time, call your mom.
@Activist: Those fake cakes look so good! I’ve bought many a magazine because of the food on the cover. The Christmas issues are always my favorites – I remember thinking that they must have photographed the trees and the goodies months before the holiday season, maybe in the summer.
@Baja Gaijin: LUL
Thanks for sharing!
@I speak Jive: Oh yeah come to think of it I’m pretty sure you’re right on A3-G. And not even a Margo storyline at that!
I’m pretty sure the author’s own “Garfield Minus Lyman” was the first variation on the theme.
@A Grave Mind: @Baja Gaijin:
Why? Whhhhyyyyyyy?????
_________________________
Why not Baja Gaijin? Baja Gaijin is the answer to life, the universe and everything!
“who, like all cats, cannot understand him or talk back”
I beg to differ.
In my experience, most cats understand about 70% of what you’re saying. They just don’t care about it, unless it’s “tuna fish” or something along those lines.
@Peanut Gallery: Zippy – A giant hot dog eating a smaller hot dog? It really is a dog-eat-dog world
__________________________________________________________________________________
“…..and I’m wearing Milk-bone™ underwear.”-Norm Peterson, CHEERS.
@Baja Gaijin:
red pepper spines and sliced olive eyes.
________________________________________
“Suddenly someone is there at the station/ the entree with red pepper spines and sliced olive eyes”- John Winston Gaijin, ” Lunchmeat In The Stomach With Digestion”
Garfield, in this century, is a vibrant canvas for a great variety of artwork to be made from. I too always liked just removing Garfield’s thought bubbles, and there’s no reason Garfield – Garfield‘s method should be especially enshrined. The Garf can be whatever you want it to be! Except, obviously, the actual comic itself which is a continuous gasp of nothing.
This thread, on a (probably?) now-defunct forum associated with various webcomics, predates the site @Rob Nobody mentioned by about a month, and was popular enough to inspire this post on the blog that coined the phrase “Cerebus Syndrome”.
As a side note, this post contains something that could have been/still be a submission to SROMG, before even G-G existed.