This is the most unwell plugger I’ve ever seen, which is honestly saying something
Post Content
Pluggers, 9/15/25
A friend of mine in Baltimore, widely known for always looking younger than she was, when asked for her secret said, “Never make a noise when you bend over to pick something up,” something I think about all the time as I hit increasingly pluggerish ages and inevitably make noises when I bend over to pick things up. Anyway, today’s Pluggers is on this theme, but I like the way they’ve taken the suggestion and turned it into a little story about a woman who’s just trying to enjoy a football game but instead has to watch her husband drop dead as he attempts to get out of a chair.
Crock, 9/15/25
The thing about using the rule of three when you’re writing a joke is that while it’s true that the first two of the three should be similar enough to form a pattern, they shouldn’t literally be the exact same thing. Maybe my standards are too high, but I think if you’re doing a comic about how the French Foreign Legion is full of nefarious criminals, you should be aware of at least one other crime over and above jewel thievery!
Judge Parker, 9/15/25
“Anyway, just like Pilate, I’m washing my hands of him. He was the good guy in that story, right? It would’ve been more dramatic to do this right in front of Alan, obviously, but we were at a restaurant and trying to get him to go into the bathroom at the same time as me would’ve been weird.”
60 replies to “This is the most unwell plugger I’ve ever seen, which is honestly saying something”
Hi and Lois Mashups: Do any of these three missing final panels seem to be what Lois wants to say to Hi?
Come on, Pluggers, that caption is unnecessarily wordy. How about “A plugger ‘calls an audible’ every time he gets up from a chair?” You’d think I wouldn’t have to tell a Plugger to keep it simple, stupid; that’s their brand!
JP: Today I learned that the term for anyone with a hand fetish is Cheirophilia. So you can tell your friends that today’s Judge Parker is for the cheirophiliacs with that hot handwashing action.
MW: Time for Saul and Eve to get shoved back into the ether so that the wunderkind can see the next zoo exhibit…I mean, Charterstone resident.
Archie-“I’m just laying here with my head in Veronica’s lap.”
RMMD:
“I’m back.”
“That’s really too bad.”
RMMD:
“Look, Sam, there’s ‘Madge’ ! — she’s going to tell you momentarily how to make those hands of yours soft and pliable by using Palmolive brand liquid detergent!”
Pluggers Oh he’s standing up? God, I thought the punchline was going to be “Pluggers can’t fund the remote until it’s at least 2 inches inside”
JP Yeah, I can’t imagine either, in the sense that I have no idea what’s going on and have very few context clues to go by..
Pluggers-Then the Plugger drops dead and the wife can’t call the paramedics because they still have a rotary phone.
Judge Parker: Usually when two people are in the same room, talking and responding, it’ll be what we call “a conversation.” But a guy humping a doorknob then washing his hands, and a woman who refuses eye contact as she stares at her sharp, glistening knife. . . well, that works too, in a totally dysfunctional way.
Late stage Plugger transitions from ‘pull my finger’ to ‘initiate CPR’
Pluggers know the term “audible” has less to do with football than with the Amazon audiobook app that they’ve somehow got a very expensive uncancelable subscription despite the fact that all they use it for is AI-slop true crime podcasts.
I don’t know about The Crown Jewels, but isn’t The Hope Diamond cursed?
That explains WAY too much here.
MW: “As Saul, Eve, and their dogs [?!] wrap up their talk with Mary and Olive…,” Olive, Max, and Greta exchange knowing winks, cementing their clear understanding of each other’s innermost thoughts and Olive’s uncanny ability to know what the animals are ‘saying’ to her. This special gift should come in handy when Olive visits ANIMAL HOSPITAL to meet Dr. Ed and his receptionist-wife and Wilbur-ex, Stella, in which setting Olive will learn from Dr. Ed’s few remaining patients what horrors have REALLY been unfolding in the examination rooms, and how the Pomeranian met its untimely demise and why Steven was given free rein to put down animals at a professed rate of four per week. It’s going to bust this operation wide open.
Sid, if I were you, I’d lawyer up.
There’s a great bit in The Cowboy Wally Show where all the legionnaires are taking turns crying about the women they joined the Foreign Legion to forget, and I think what really makes the bit work is that Baker put even like eight seconds of thought into the kinds of things people want to forget, and that’s how he landed on “bad relationships” instead of “extremely impressive jewel heists(?!)”
CROCK: Criminal one upmanship. The lawyer shouldn’t win. At least not automatically.
BETWEEN FRIENDS: So will Savreen lose her job if it’s known she counseled the new manager to leave?
JP: tacky, to use the kitchen sink to wash off stench.
FG: Fria may have a point. Does anyone know backstory of why her husband died?
FBoFW: April’s right, strangers DO look strange until they learn to don a cloak of confidence.
In the classic French Foreign Legion “Beau Geste”, the three Geste brothers join the Legion because none of them stole a jewel, but they think another brother might have so they’re running away to draw attention away from their siblings.
Crock :
a) “I’m trying to forget”!? I thought the idea was that criminals joined the foreign legion to avoid consequences (ie, incarceration or execution) for the delinquent acts they committed, not that they wanted to forget what they did! Because they can just drink a lot of booze for that!
b) A better punchline would have been “… I forgot what I did.”
*************
Frazz : if every student in Mrs Olsen is just like Caufield, then Caufield is NOT SPECIAL (besides being the only one whose name we know).
**************
Pluggers : IMHO, a better joke would have been the onomatopeia to be replaced by something like a green-brown “PPPPRRRRRTTTTT!”, accompagnied by a cloud of green stink emanating from the Pluggers backside.
JP: Standard door height is six feet eight inches and Alan has to duck a little to enter the kitchen. I just wish Beatty would have pictured those Elton John style platforms he’s wearing.
I thought you were supposed to join the Foreign Legion to forget a broken heart? You have stolen a valuable item and are not in jail, live it up!
They’re not in prison, so did they SUCCESSFULLY steal these jewels? Wouldn’t that indicate a level of great skill? You gave up on yourselves, generic Legionnaires!
RMMD:
“I’m back.”
“Wow. Just like John Wick in his eponymous 2014 movie.”
@Baja Gaijin: The first – Hi and Lois always had a dark edge
Crock:
“Ours is a coterie of ulcerative abscess.”
“No. Don’t say it, Gaston.”
“Yep. The Foreign Lesion!”
@Anonymous: Oooh, I hope Olive is in Caufield’s class, that would prove that she isn’t special either.
DT: confusing message. Tessa did not seem to have any remorse in zap zap various electrical workers, the loan shark, the loan shark goon – all with good to not so strong motivation, yet is troubled now? She should be on the phone setting up the Faustian bargain with Diet Smith Industries.
JP: Weeks will fade into months and years and only the most devoted readers will wonder what ever happened to April and Randy.
MW: So, is this the “Nancy” moment that the creators feel that it is time to move on from Fritzi Ritzy and focus on the little girl Olive?
Phantom (squints at the background) Does the general keep a bottle of champagne on ice in his office at all times? How many celebratory moments are there at a slave-labour mine, anyhow?
@pugfuggly: It’s Judge Parker! How much context do you need? (How much context are you going to get?)
@Activist: FG – I remember he died flying onto (slamming into? delivering a bomb to?) a snow giant, right after knighting Bok. I don’t recall whose shenanigans woke up the monster but it was due to non-Frigian people doing something in secret there.
Two likely Judge Parker scenarios:
#1: Sam: “I’m back.”
Abbey: “Who gives a shit?”
#2: Sam: “I’m back.”
Abbey: “Got any more news flashes, asshole?”
Pluggers aren’t pluggers until they need a lift assist recliner, real pluggers use a Hoyer lift, what are we even doing here?
Judge Parker: “I can’t imagine what he could tell her. Her name might be a good a start, though.”
Pluggers:
*Grunt*
*Groan*
*Shits his pants*
@Charterstoned: Re MW: Lawyer up? Fortunately my Intern is a student at the StoreFront School of Law and is only a few payments away from a J.D. But, again, Olive only says what’s in the script – she’s not gettin’ any dope from the Animals…. unless The Ladies write it in there…
We are negotiating a visit by Olive and Mary to Animal Hospital for some cockamamie reason yet to be determined. And guess who works there as goodwill ambassadors! Yes, the Terrific Trio are gainfully employed in the family business and will make appearances – if all works out! Intern, are those gift baskets ready yet?
Also Judge Parker: “Sorry, just give me a minute here. I had to do an elaborate pantomime with Alan. God, eviscerated server blood is difficult to get off your hands.”
@Baja Gaijin: All three are excellent options.
Pluggers – Non-Pluggers will listen to their body, but Pluggers will sing along in harmony.
Crock – The third guy must have been a mediocre lawyer, because a good lawyer (meaning a skilled in the law) could have gotten himself out of having to join the Legion, a bad lawyer (meaning ethically unscrupulous) could have offered his services to powerful and corrupt officials and used connections to get out of service in the Legion.
But in the hypercompetitive modern world, it’s not enough to simply put in your time and do okay work. Crock isn’t just about the brutality and senseless of colonialism, the French Foreign Legion is a metaphor of the wages of mediocrity, where the least skilled, talented, and ambitious end up foot soldiers in the brutal enforcement of the extractive Empire’s values.
Also, Pluggers are disturbed by an audible because they know that’s not a shadow on the recliner.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: None and none.
“Abbey, that’s not how knives work. And the carrots are growing back? I, just, I…Jesus Christ.”
@Philip:
But the Legion is voluntary. Always has been. He could’ve avoided Legion service by not walking into the recruiting office.
I’m Canadian so the most bizarre thing to me about the comic with the chicken woman and dog man couple sitting in their home watching football is that they’re wearing shoes in the house. It’s even worse thinking of them with actual chicken feet and dog paws wedged into footwear made for humans.
***
It’s funnier if no time has passed between panels one and two and Sam’s hands were like that as he came in through the door.
***
I get what the punchline is supposed to mean but it’s less hacky if they two jewel thieves are just happy that they can get free legal advise.
JP – “Did you remember to scrub up first, Abbey? Don’t want those carrots to get infected.”
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Hey, my friend Goulde Fische graduated from Matchbook Magistrates! He got a pretty good deal on his J.D. by bundling his law school studies with a “Learn to Draw Animals” class, off the same matchbook. I thought he was getting ripped off, but it turns out the art course is legit. They even study animal anatomy, using subjects obtained from “Animal Cadavers R Us, a Subsidiary of ANIMAL HOSPITAL, Santa Royale, CA.” Anyway, I’m sure you pay Intern a decent salary, but as we all know, times are tight these days, so you might want to pass along the bundling deal, if his law school has one. He could save some dough.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I have you in my clutches now, Abundio!”
“You capitalists must pay in blood for your exploitation of the proletariat”
“I agreed to rehearse a scene with him, but I fear he’s getting a bit carried away!”
“I joined the Legion to forget I stole the Hope Diamond.”
“I joined the Legion to forget I stole the Crown Jewels.”
“I joined the Legion to avoid the Allied war crimes trials.”
Silence.
“I mean, to forget I stole the Amber Room out of the ruins of Catherine Palace at Tsarskoye Selo during the siege of Leningrad.”
@Baja Gaijin: Second or third one. I mean, Blondie is fkn stacked! But leaving with Irma is more real life.
Pluggers: Chris Mendelsberg of Denver Colorado must have airmailed this one to Pluggers after yesterday’s Broncos game, and it was rushed into print. Because we were all grunting and groaning.
@Anonymous:
Right! As it stands, the main thing I got from this conversation is that it’s not working.
JP: “Anyway, can you help me? I’ve been vaguely poking at this carrot with a knife for an hour but I can’t seem to cut it.”
Pluggers: For a Denver Plugger, an “audible” is loudly armchair quarterbacking everything wrong with the Broncos (and there has been a lot to go on in recent years).
Pluggers – Pluggers love their patented Dumpolounger (TM)….
(Appropriately named) Crock – I can’t get that fucking rule against perpetuities out of my head….
JP – What is truthity?
Adios Amigos, DJ.
FG: Oh my god, it’s a cloak-off!
Pluggers: Sorry, but that is a full-on coronary event, not just the poor guy struggling to get out of the chair.
Crock: I know this is an old strip, but I think lawyer jokes were played out even when this was first published. Still, Ed Kudlick should join the French Foreign Legion.
JP:
“I’m back.”
“Nope, your front.”
MW: The dogs are so happy now that Olive is having a stroke.
DT: “I need to know what the suspect was wearing and if she’d been drinking before deciding if she deserves sympathy.”
Dustin: Dustmom, you’re married to a lawyer–a terrible lawyer who seems to do nothing but hang around the break room eating junk food, granted, but a lawyer nonetheless. You should have known he’d pull this.
MT: Oh, give it up, Jules! Even we’ve dropped the boat explosion running gag!
MW: At least when Mary has other characters telling her how wonderful she is, it only goes on for a week or two. We’re what, two or three months into the Olive love-fest by now?
RMMD: How romantic. You think the ceremony will take place under the neon Budweiser sign or by the broken-down cigarette machine?
FC: Great. Now Jeffy is going to believe women are witches for the rest of his life.
MW: “Goddammit, why didn’t you tell him I hate bow-ties?!? Charlatan!”
Dustin: My theory is that Helen sets up these situations to humiliate Ed at work. He thinks he’s pedantically getting away with something, but he just looks foolish.
BF: The final panel is meant to be Blonde Friend with her head thrown back in glee, smiling broadly as she does her little happy quit dance. But with just a dab of imagination you can see a pinhead staring directly out at you, with a huge nose and a glum little frowny mouth.
Try it!
Crock: “I joined the legion to forget that I wrote 9 Chickweed Lane”
Luann: Bernice can’t stand someone else being the scold.
CS: Don’t fall for it, Ed! She just wants to ruin your life, too!
9CL: Figures
BrookeAmos would be really weird about someone getting her first period.@Baja Gaijin: They’re all so grim. Good job keeping with the current tone of this strip.
@TheDiva:
Shoot, darlin, find me a bar with a cigarette machine, I’ll be in your servitude for life. ONE of them has to have old-school Pall Malls!