Too many Harwoods
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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/17/25
I am really enjoying the quiet desperation of Yvonne’s facial expression as she tries to convey to Rex and June how crazy-making her Hanks-Harwood-dominated living situation is. “He’s always saying crap like this. ‘I’m planning a Ritz Brothers marathon!’ I don’t know if those are the cracker guys or a vaudeville act that somehow has a YouTube. Maybe they aren’t even real, but even if that were the case, it could be that he’s doing a bit or it could be that he has advanced dementia and we can’t even tell because all of his cultural references are so baffling. And he’ll be asleep when we get back! I won’t even be able to ask him about it! And tomorrow it’ll be some other bullshit!”
Shoe, 9/17/25
I like that they’ve given the Perfesser a little bit of business to do here, knotting his tie as they talk — the implication being that he’s putting himself back together after getting naked for an exam, and in so doing is beginning to feel dignified enough again to push back on this advice. “Oh, is that your diagnosis, doctor? Are you saying that the good product designers at the Frigidaire Appliance Company would lead me down the wrong path?”
Mother Goose and Grimm, 9/17/25
You all know Grimm, the lovable dog who’s one of the title characters of the syndicated newspaper comic strip Mother Goose and Grimm. But what if I told you that he was about to go to jail, possibly for years, as a punishment for his various crimes?
72 replies to “Too many Harwoods”
RMMD:
“One thing I think we can all agree on, June, Yvonne and Hank: it’ll all be better when Godot gets here — I mean, it can’t get worse, right?”
RMMD-“Quiet you.”
MW-And this is the first time we are ever hearing about it.
Phantom:
Intrepid Patrolwoman’s off on her bike
To get to the border was quite the long hike
With all she’s traversed, she is sure on a roll
And ready for duty on Jungle Patrol
Now, stopping a bit, she sees “Ivory Lana”
And thinks to herself, “Should I cross? Do I wanna?”
At least at this signpost, there isn’t a toll —
She’s taking a free ride to Jungle Patrol
No doubt, some adversity’s bound to await
It may be some time ’til we learn of her fate
Whatever the outcome, she’ll relish her role
For she’s been consigned now to Jungle Patrol!
MG&G: I didn’t know Grimm wasn’t an adult before. I mean, all the strips about him picking up poodles at fern bars certainly suggested he was past the age of majority.
Shoe: The Doctor’s office isn’t on a tree branch? (Mind blown)
RMMD Wow, just look at Rex and June’s contented expressions. They’re so happy to find someone in the world possibly more boring than them!
Shoe “Look I’m just saying, ospreys are diurnal. Also, what’s this about you eating stuff that isn’t fish?”
MGG “Fortunately, his sentence will also be in dog years, so he’ll be out in a couple months. Human months, I mean. Sorry, I’m not sure know how this all converts into goose days?”
RMMD:
“Hank, you should take a cue from the adapted words of Cale and Clapton!”
“What are those words, Rex?”
” ‘She don’t lie…she don’t lie…she don’t lie…Rogaine‘ !”
MG&G: Does Grimm’s sentence take dog years into account? “That’ll be 10 years… divided by 7, uh, carry the 3. Let’s just do probation. You’re lucky this time but watch it.”
Phantom:
Good to see that the folks in Ivory Lana went all out with their “Welcome to our country” sign.
I was wondering what Grimm’s crime was.
Then I realized, probably urinating in public.
Then I realize, if Grimm isn’t toilet trained, than either:
“He’s still a puppy”
or
“The cop thinks that he’s still a puppy”
RMMD:
“Anything new at your place, Yvonne and Hank? — Yvonne, have you adapted the marital home to accommodate your own personal tastes?”
“Well, I’ve gotten rid of the outdated carpeting and replaced it with Harwood flooring!”
RMMD: The Ritz Brothers are the poor man’s version of the Marx Brothers, Yvonne. You are better off not knowing.
FC: When Daddy asked Thel “How about a little horseplay?” this wasn’t what she had in mind.
BG&SS: I was going to say something about an animal with no lips whistling, but we’re far past trivial concerns here.
@Liam:
On MW: I hate to say it, but it isn’t. It was hinted during the interminable dinner scene back in NY that the ‘Santa Royale Hot Air Balloon Festival’ was imminent. That was one of the reasons Olive was so inexplicably excited about the possibility of coming to Charterstone.
I’m as surprised as you are that this time around the strip’s crushingly obvious exposition failed.
MG&G: So it is possible to achieve Felony Fire Hydrant Pissing.
MW: “I’ve been to several of these ballooning things but it’s not the same since Graf Zeppelin went out of business.”
(Adjusting tie over sloppy shirt) Could you maybe phrase your medical advice in a way that implies I get no respect
MW: The Festival has a few balloons just to get things going, but the real event begins at the Red Hour, when everyone picks up rocks and takes down a designated outsider.
@Hibbleton:
I realize that with Olive’s time-traveling abilities, I should have specified the speaker.
FC: “Sure, honey. Just wait till I get near the trash can.”
FC-And how many times has Thel been ridden like this?
Was your fridge designed factoring in your (future) personal health requirements and the availability of natural light in your kitchen? Damn, Perfesser, that’s weak. Weaker than Scrubs‘s JD going “Why would they make a tunnel too small for a motorhome to fit in?” But I do love a deadpan anti-joke.
FC:
“Mom, can we do this in front of Target? — I’ll bring the quarter!”
REX MORGAN M.D.: Yvonne: “How the
fuckheck am I supposed to know about whatever a “Ritz brother” is if it doesn’t come from Mud Mountain Murphy’s guitar? In any case, all I know is that whoever the beehive chick is better be walking down the aisle to “Muddy Boots” orI’m bouncing the fuck out of this muthaI’m gonna skeedadle, you betcha.”REX MORGAN M.D. (2): “Hank’s fine resting at home. He really wanted to come, but since Truck and his bride spent so much money on this lush elegant extravaganza at Lou’s*, he understands that there is a strict quota on how many marginally antiquated people they can invite**”
*Which, it needs to be pointed out, is where Truck does pretty much all of his gigs for his job. It’s like someone holding a wedding at the office.
**They’re already pushed that limit with the talked-to-once Harwoods. And Rex and June. And Buck who is Truck’s AGENT. And the Brillo-headed freak who’s Truck’s agent’s son’s friend who’s probably, like, the best man. And Truck’s not-son who he LITERALLY just met this story arc. Anyway the point is that The Tyler’s have SO MANY close persona friends and confidants, they can’t possibly make room at this even for people they don’t have close ties to.
Rex Morgan, M.D.: Well, advanced dementia is marked by expressive aphasia, forgetfulness, difficulty with walking and incontinence of bowel and bladder, rather than making up comedy acts to get the “kids” out of the house. If only there were some kind of medical authority to help make a differential diagnosis here, perhaps a doctor assisted by a registered nurse to guide Yvonne and Hank Jr…
Ah, yes — the Ritz Brothers. Like the Marx Brothers if they were all Zeppo.
@ValdVin: Well, you kind of beat me to it.
Shoe: The fridge has a light to expose your nakedness and sin before God and neighbor, Cosmo, everybody knows this! Seriously, you should either wear pajamas or pull the kitchen blinds.
MW: how come sandwiches are never cut in half in the Worthverse? Normal people cut sandwiches in half.
MW: Why is Mary treating Olive like a five year old?
Also Rex Morgan, M.D.: In a chaotic and unstable world, it’s nice to know some things never change. Rex’s wide tie and his feigned look of interest in conversation, for example.
Shoe: When I go to the doctor, I usually undress in an examination room rather than their private office.
MW: “Well Olive, I remember fondly my past balloon adventures with my friends Joe and Jack Montgolfier.”
As we all know, stores have a “Code Adam” to alert employees of a missing child. In today’s Dennis the Menace we see a department store clerk calling in a “Code Dennis,” which is used to alert employees of a wee child negging their parent.
DT: Please let the big twist be that Faust plans to seize the plans for the zap zap gun and eliminate LaKoyle.
Gasoline Alley: proving that lingo, slang and terminology are used not just to help precise communication but to obscure and hide meaning from the general public and non-initiated.
Bizarro: working in the medical field, sadly true.
MW: Olive: on the way to the balloon fest, can we stop and pick up an anvil?
I would try not to get my readers thinking about clothing, if the title character of my strip never wore anything but sneakers, socks, and a cigar.
LUANN: So, despite having each other’s contact information, Bernice rarely interacts with Piro, except for the occasional impromptu babysitting services?
Oh Lord, this really is “Jonah & Shannon 2.0” isn’t it?
MW “Best not to stay up too late” for Mary means in bed before 7PM, right? A real teen would push back… or plan to sneak out after Mary’s zonked. But that would be far, far too interesting.
FC C’mon Thel, half the fun of this game for the “horsey” is deciding whether to surprise them with “bucking bronco” or “old nag falls asleep suddenly”!
Rex Morgan, MD – The Ritz Brothers sounds like a vaudeville act that started on the radio and was sponsored by the cracker company as an alterative to the Marx brothers for conservative audiences afraid of consuming anything that sounded named after the Communist theorist.
It’s since become the Oak Ridge Boys of comedy, a Ship of Theseus situation where the cast has been replaced over the decades, but a dedicated, older fan base keeps it alive. If they hadn’t broken up, Corey and Parker’s Shorty and Beanpole act would have gotten them consideration to join the franchise as it starts its second century of entertaining audiences.
Shoe – I have to assume the Perfesser was examined in the conference room because past conduct required the hospital lawyer to be there. What we’re seeing is the POV of the attorney, hence why Perfesser is looking directly at the reader and attempting a legalistic argument to defend ignoring his doctor’s advice.
Mother Goose and Grimm – Grimm will be let out of jail again due to the syndicate and newspaper editors everywhere rejecting too many jokes about making prison pruno in the jail cell toilet, which happens to also be a fire hydrant
@The Quiet Man: Technically, you are correct (which is the best kind of correct!), but generally Liam is right in that we’ve never seen or heard of this festival that Mary has supposedly been attending at regular intervals. (I guess this is what Mary has been doing while we focus on the fun stories…like the 500-year “Dogs Are Good” feedback loop!)
JP- But enough about Wilbur!
MARY WORTH: Olive’s excited because she was a balloon festive in her former life.
@Pozzo: That was such a perfect description of The Ritz Brothers I did a genuine spit-take.
JP: Sam is leering at Abbey’s backside while holding a carrot slice the same way you’d load a coin into a slot machine. Maybe “couch” is her safe word?
REX MORGAN M.D.: Who’s having the better time here? I know that Yvonne and Hank think they’re hot shit at their fancy-schmancy bar wedding, but Old Hank sounds like he’s putting on the Ritz!
There are references and there are references. When you start turning even your elderly characters into hipster reference machines for mid tier comedy acts from 90 years ago, it’s time to stop. Bring in a young character who’s into Chappell Roan or Blackpink. Not Katy Perry though. I’m not a monster.
***
Thank you for not showing us Grimm’s mauling victim.
FC: Enough horsey, Mommy. Let’s do doggy style!
CS: But you’d better get to choir practice before Ed Kudlick does or those donuts will be history.
“Also, he’s being charged as a dog who did something bad enough to get police involved. In other words, we’re putting him down. Did you want to say goodbye?”
Dustin: Tom’s financial planner went to Yale and his best advice is lottery tickets? Is his financial advisor Scott Bessent or is he Steve Mnuchin? I would avoid anyone from Yale connected to finance these days.
The prevailing theory around here is that Karen Moy doesn’t know any teenagers, and possibly hasn’t met any for the last few decades.
@Hibbleton:
Oh good, Judge Parker is getting back to its roots. I was worried there for a minute.
Shoe — Nothing like getting medical advice from a doctor who looks to weigh more than you do. But hey, my childhood doctor smoked like a chimney. . .
RMMD — Getting through one whole movie Ritz Brothers movie seems like the equivalent of a marathon to me. . .
RMMD – I think the point here is that if you’re a multi-brother act, your name has to be a little kooky for you to succeed. Ending it in an X or Z is a good start. The Doobie Brothers need no further explanation, and the Allmans are a fluke.
Luann/MW: “We’re talking, Twerp! Get Lost!” Moy frantically erases Wilbur’s word balloon in a future strip as Olive approaches him and Mary talking at the festival. “You win this one, Greg.” she mutters to herself.
MG&G: Grimm just killed someone, didn’t he?
RMMD: I only know about the Ritz Brothers because they’ve been mentioned on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and always with an air of disparagement. This tells me pretty much everything I need to know about them, and by extension the taste of Rex Morgan’s regular cast of characters.
We always knew the Perfesser was less of an animal and more a freak of nature. We didn’t know he was a mogwai!
FC – If you can touch the right button like Daddy occasionally does, I’ll show you some bucking.
@Vanya: Wouldn’t an Ivy League graduate have to have fallen pretty far to be a financial advisor to the kind of lawyer who would be working at the same firm as Dustindad?
Rex Morgan: Some excellent characterization here is June smiling like a normal person while conversing with others like a normal person while Rex instead has his face locked into some uncomfortable un-smile indicating how basic human contact is about as pleasurable as a rash to him.
Shoe: Literally what medical condition could be treated by not eating food when its dark outside?
RMMD: The only thing I know about the Ritz Brothers is a “Leave it to Beaver” episode where Beav was assigned to do a book report on the novel “The Three Musketeers” but instead of reading the book he watched a movie version. The problem was it was the 1939 spoof starring the Ritz Brothers as the famous three. Of course he got an F.
Despite the low esteem they’re held in today, Johnny Carson thought rather highly of them and regretted that their films were rarely shown on TV.
Incidentally, I love the title for today’s installment, Josh. Apparently, “zero” is the appropriate amount of Harwoods that should be in any scene..
C’shaft: Big deal! Churches provide donuts for anyone who walks in the doors. Donuts and coffee are like dessert for the Holy Sacrament.
DT: “I mean, I should probably be a little nervous that you apparently just killed your last major investor, but what can I say, I like people who show initiative.”
GT: “In retrospect, I probably should have paid more attention to the school board’s notifications, meetings, elections, general existence…”
MW: I can’t speak for everyone else, but for my money Olive has now surpassed Wilbur as Mary Worth’s most repugnant character. Wilbur actually has a personality, loathsome though it is, and his behavior has often been the source of horrified amusement. Olive is a black hole of a character, a dutiful, polite Stepford Child that exists as a sponge for the wisdom of her elders (in this case, Mary), never exhibiting any behavior more perplexing or aggravating than mild whimsy. She is a child written by and for adults who do not see children as people, individuals with their own identities and opinions and struggles, but as a cross between some kind of exotic, unquestionably adoring pet and a lump of blank clay that accepts whatever shape is impressed upon it without question. That we are constantly told this absolute non-entity is some kind of special, remarkable soul adds insult to injury. I hope she gets immolated by a hot air balloon burner.
RexMD: “Quiet desperation” pretty much sums up this strip…
JP: This comment has been redacted: Subject – the current Vice-President.
reFoob — I like April’s style, here.
DT: ”Unlike the MCU, Dr. LaKoyle, Diet Smith doesn’t install utter morons as department heads. Exactly how many people have you murdered over the past week?”
MW: ”What’s with the cold sandwiches for dinner? Aren’t you supposed to be this famous fucking cook?”
FC: Don’t mock me, Jeffy. That’s MY fantasy. Where do you keep the riding crops?
I would be remiss if I didn’t make a plug, based on the title of today’s post, for the viral video “Too Many Cooks”. It appeared on Adult Swim and is one of the most bizarre, surreal productions I have ever seen. It goes from being funny, to overkill, to funny, to absurd and back to funny. If you have never seen it, or even if it’s just been a few years, I have to recommend it.
@TheDiva: #59
I would love to see Olive turning into a “M3gan”-style homicidal maniac…”MUST…PROTECT…BONDED…HUMAN…MARY” as her head twitches and her eyes shoot sparks…
“Why does my fridge have a light? Good question, eh? All fridges above a certain size have to have a light, did you know that, doc? Mandated by the government who, as we know, is controlled by ravens. Look carefully at that light and you’ll see the camera eye. Now you get it, doc?”
“Yes, yes, Mister Fishhawk. I think we’re going to bump up your quetiapine dose, eh?”
MG&G: Explain that to your kids.
CS: Lillian, you just told Ed “our practices never end before midnight”, as if elder abuse were some kind of hilarious joke. And you wonder why he wants no part of your choir? I would also remind you that Ed has shown no interest in donuts over the years, except that Batiuk went with that as the punchline. So make of that what you will.
RMMD: The Ritz Brothers? Aunt Fritzi had brothers?! I suppose they were gradually shoved aside to make room for a more interesting character, much like Olive Oyl’s brothers.
Rex Morgan, MD: I do know who the Ritz Brothers were, which makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Not as wrong as marathoning the collected works of the Marx Brothers’ cheap, non-union knock-offs, but a related problem at the very least.
@But What Do I Know?:
Dr. Recommended Camels I’m sure.
Phantom: Tread carefully, Patrolwoman. These are the lands ruled by Ivory Lana, the Great White Queen. “She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.” Step into her Flame of Life and your mousy beauty will be preserved forever.
RMMD: When I was a teen I bought a mass-market book off the drugstore rack, a quickie history of “The Great Movie Comedy Teams,” mainly to read about the Marx Bros and Laurel & Hardy. The bonus was learning about guys like the Ritz Brothers, Thelma Todd/Zasu Pitts, and Wheeler & Woolsey. Over the past 50 years of visiting repertory cinemas, video and DVD rentals, streaming, and staying up late in front of the teevee, I have never once encountered a film featuring any of them.
GA: ….da phuque?