Honestly more comics characters should be sent to Donetsk oblast, it’d really shake things up around here
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Gil Thorp, 2/16/26
What’s going on in Gil Thorp? I’m not talking about the day-to-day plot; I’m talking about the near-future background setting, where the heavily armed “New Milford” PD lacks a monopoly on legitimate violence and must negotiate with authorities in schools, which remain separate, self-governed jurisdictions like medieval European universities. I guess we should’ve known that we were dealing with a landscape where centralized constitutional government had broken down completely when it turned out that the local juvenile detention facility doubled as a gladiatorial combat arena.
Dick Tracy, 2/16/26
The “Dick is betrayed by his partner” Dick Tracy storyline has abruptly wrapped up, and now we’re going to smash cut to … the Donbas Front, I guess? Look, the West has been looking for ways to push Russian troops out of Ukraine for years now, and having Dick Tracy shoot them in the back for “resisting arrest” is certainly not the worst idea anyone has come up with.
Mary Worth, 2/16/26
Meanwhile, despite several opportunities, the “Toby and Ian get parrots” Mary Worth storyline has singularly failed to abruptly wrap up, and in fact we seem to have gotten stuck in a “Mary and Jeff enjoy a post-plotline-wrapup at the Bum Boat” loop. Jeff could’ve short-circuited this by choosing his pie “a la mode” as usual and then dying of a massive coronary event, so I guess, against all odds, he’s enjoying this experience, or at least prefers it to death.
76 replies to “Honestly more comics characters should be sent to Donetsk oblast, it’d really shake things up around here”
RMMD-And don’t forget to mention the pain.
MW-“Jeff never has his pie without ice cream,” Mary thinks to herself.
FC-“I don’t know. It feels like this cherry pie was made over sixty years ago.”
FC-“This cherry pie is rather musty and stale like a lot of people have eaten it before me.”
MW: Maybe the story is that they’re trapped in a loop. Clearly the loop is already starting to glitch out as Mary refers to what is very clearly pumpkin pie with whipped cream on it as apple pie a la mode.
MW: Now would be a good time to segue to a Wilbur plotline, if such a time exists. Zoom in on the slice of pie and artistically zoom out to reveal a mayonnaise sandwich.
Dick Tracy:
Wow. Fidel Castro makes a comeback in today’s second panel!
Gil Thorp:
“Read you loud and clear, Lois. Hawaii Five-O. I’ll queue up the reruns f rom the original Jack Lord series!”
Mary Worth:
“That was a delicious slice of apple pie! — so, why is it that it’s pumpkin pie on our forks?”
GT “Read you loud and clear! I’ll throw on my Steve McGarret suit and be right over!”
DT You know, dialogue box, if you don’t have anything useful to add, you can just keep quiet.
MW But….he is having his pie a la mode? Unless that’s not ice cream? You know, Dr Jeff, I don’t think thst mayo is a healthier alternative.
Mary Worth:
Today’s installment serves as powerful symbolism for the consideration that when, as is usual and typical in connection with these kinds of interactions, Jeff makes yet another plaintive and desperate request that the two of them formalize their commitment, Mary’s reaction is to tell him to fork off.
MW: “Why did we order the flaming marshmallow under glass along with our pies?”
Nice and green for Donetsk in February, da? Is not like frozen prison with Parker R, nyet? Is almost like Dick Tracy exist in parallel universe!
Gil Thorp: “We’ve got a code Five-O. Repeat, code Five-O!” “What’s Five-O?” “It’s when a local rent-a-cop thinks he’s Steve McGarrett or something.”
Mary Worth: Did Jeff have his apple pie with or without ice cream during dinner with Mary at the Bum Boat? Did a stroll on the boardwalk cure their flounder-induced fullness? For these answers and more, read the next thrilling installment of — oh, never mind.
Pluggers: For a full 50 years, this plugger and his friends have started every meal by saying “How’s business?” “Oh, fine,” then deducting all the diner receipts from their taxes. The audit is going to be spectacular.
A walk along the boardwalk? Wow, who could ever have predicted this! Moy and Brigman are doing so many new things that I’m left stumbling and gasping!
“If that’s what the doctor orders, let’s go!”
Which doctor?
Doctor Who? Dr Dre? Wrecks Morgan? Joseph Mengele?
Luann: Somebody on GoComics said “now Tiffany is giving Ox mixed messages.” Wrong: Ox is giving Tiffany mixed messages. He’s acting like this is a date, when it clearly isn’t. This isn’t cute or charming; it’s a dollar-store PUA act. Tiffany closed the door between them as quickly as she could, and then seemed more bemused than threatened by Ox’s presence. This suggests that she’s had many inept suitors in her life, and knows how to rebuff them as gently as possible.
Also: is there some reason Ox can’t groom his own dog? Or hire somebody to do it? I’m getting a strong vibe of “caring for other living things is women’s work.”
Pluggers: Pluggers are idiots. Because the IRS only requires you to keep old tax documents for seven years, but older documents can be scrutinized if you have them.
Dick Tracy:
In a field…somewhere?:
“We must have made some kind of a wrong turn, man, cuz I don’t see the Grateful Dead concert venue anywhere near here!”
RMMD:
Intrepid and vengeful Sarah retaliates against Johnny’s invading her diary space by drawing his head so that its cubic volume is even greater than hers.
Wrecks Moregone:
“Sarah was babysitting me. I mean Sarah was literally sitting on me. That’s how I burst my appendix.”
Gil Thorp:
TISSHH!!
Wow. We got a sound bite in today’s second panel from Gomez Addams.
Somehow, I thought Blondie would be the last comic strip to go political.
@Bob Tice: Too bad the Gomez Addams line wasn’t “It has to warm up. So it can kill you!“
MW: Jeff risks opening a rift in the space-time continuum. A lesson for us all: NEVER skip the a la mode.
RMMD: Johnny/Jimmy should be hired to illustrate “Gil Thorpe.” Then, everyone wouldn’t look like their faces are melting.
H&L: Loving the director here; “I just can’t WORK like this!”
DtM: I can’t decide if it’s more fun to imagine George as a tap dancer or a charlatanic rainmaker.
GT: But, where is Keri with her giant, stupid protest earrings?
@lynn: Shoe and Blondie are racing to the bottom today. “Politicians have mouths but no brains”, and referencing executive orders without acknowledging the evil they’re currently being used for, are both embarrassments to the comics page. This stuff isn’t good enough for kiddie joke books, much less the once-proud comics page. They’re a symbol of how far newspaper comics have fallen from the days of Pogo and Bloom County.
MW: has conceited Mary ever reciprocated when Jeff has gushed over her?
RMMD:
“I’m going to draw a picture of a pneumatic drill next to my dad in my diary installment today, because they’re both ‘boring tools‘ !”
While Mary’s dialogue exclaims Dr. Jeff got cray-cray and had his apple pie not a la mode (it most commonly refers to a dessert, like pie or cake, served with a scoop of ice cream on top) the visual evidence tells us they both had a pumpkin pie with a whipped cream topping. No matter how awkwardly you hold that fork down near the tines, Doctor Jeff, Mary is not taking a buy-in on your changing things up.
GT If I owned a gun, I can’t imagine trusting some random high school ticket-selling clerk with it like a backpack left with the counter employee at a store. But I thought “no guns on premises” signs were to legally set up a “if you come here, *you* have to have left your gun behind, otherwise no entry” policy – you’d think policeman/security guard would be well versed in that and would easily deal with it.
DT Wrong turn at Albuquerque?
And Gil hears this message through his earpiece? Brain implant? Telepathically?
MW: A “massive coronary event” might be Jeff’s best chance of getting some mouth-on-mouth action from Mary.
“Code-Five-0! Code-Five-0!”
“A coloured person is refusing to sit in the segregated area?! I’m coming!”
HAPPY PRESIDENTS (apostrophe optional) DAY
Pranked!
– MF: strip that must not be discussed. They got me
– S4th: in context of last two arcs, Panel 1 is not just credible, but probable.
MW: She lied about “change is good”
@Bob Tice:
#6. MW: and that’s not ice cream, that’s good ol’ Dream Whip
DtM: I guess since Dennis can’t sneak a smoke anymore in this day and age, a hot foot joke won’t cut it. So I’ll forgive Dennis the lame comeback.
FC: When I was a youngster staying with my Grandmother in Manhattan, she told me the President’s motorcade was going to pass down her street and I should go sit on the stoop and wait for it. I was very disappointed when it passed and I didn’t see George Washington. So I’ll give Jeffy this one.
GT – “Read you loud and clear, Lois. Book ’em, Danno!” “Not yet, not yet! I’ll tell you when it’s time for that.”
MW: Is today’s strip translated from a Japanese manga?! Why are all the speech bubbles on the wrong side?
GT: A Code Five-O is what they call it when they’re too drunk to teach so they bunk off work to go and watch Hawaii Five-O boxsets.
DT: Not sure how I feel about the War in Ukraine existing in the Tracyverse. It’s less jarring than it is in Hi and Lois, but still, if they really need to show fascists committing aerial war crimes against civilian populations, the Spanish Civil War seems more contemporary with Dick Tracy.
DT – “In a field… somewhere?” Or maybe it’s not somewhere. Maybe it’s nowhere. Maybe this whole comic strip thing is but a dream — your dream, a creature of your imagination. But I, your poor narration box, have revealed you to yourself and set you free. Dream other dreams, and better!
Especially since this is the only pie Jeff will be getting tonight.
@Bob Tice:
#6. MW: and that’s not ice cream, that’s good ol’ Dream Whip. Oops, TK at #25 already said it. Kudos, TK
MW: This whole conversation deserves a prominent place on the TV Tropes page for “actions speak louder than words.” As many have noted, they say “change is good” but they do exactly what they always do, except for minor changes in their dinner order.
Of course maybe Moy and Brigman are going to subvert our expectations and Mary and Jeff will end up in bed together, with this major change in their relationship being the basis of the next story arc and leading to a late-summer wedding. But I really, really doubt it.
MW – Looks like a certain narration box has gotten tired of all the sophomoric jokes and added a little extra clarification to today’s installment. “At the Bum Boat restaurant. It’s the name of a restaurant, you filthy-minded adolescents!”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Boss, it looks like you’ve got another breach-of-promise suit heading your way”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well…”
“… Call it a hunch”
DT: That’s the end of the prior arc? Someone tells Tracy the target and the assassin and the killer succeeds. But is such a stumble bum that he ends up abetting his own capture.
Is this where we find out that Diet Smith is secretly supplying drone components to anybody who can pay?
MW: Shouldn’t this all be done by the Sunday strip – you know the drill: problem, Mary meddles, resolution (sort of), (mis)quote on Sunday, boat ride, dinner with doc jeff, walk, the end.
JP: Parker! No, not you Randolph, the Parker by Richard Stark aka Donald Westlake.
Phantom: Thus ends the story of how Patrolperson Han got General Chum. The untold story is the long line of super dogs that have accompanied the striped butt one.
RMMD: Good work Sarah – next stop, a try out for Gil Thorp!
Slylock: Is Slylock exhibiting specie-ist behavior here? Just because he has black and white stripes doesn’t mean the skunk stinks. They only “fire” in response to threats. Tomorrow we will see Slylock get cancelled and Max’s desparate efforts to help him.
DT – One can’t help but read that narration box as a cry for help. My guess is that it was added by the colorist, who I assume is currently chained to a desk in a dungeon with only three ink pots (green, black, and beige) for company.
DT: I don’t want to say “whimsy” but Russian soldiers kicking back and playing videogames instead of… whatever Russian soldiers do… seems rather pleasant.
Blondie: Dont worry, Dagwood. “I was just following orders” is a guaranteed exoneration at the trial.
GT: New Milford and Milford are 30 miles apart. No wonder the constable doesn’t know and revere Gil Thorp and the Mudlarks
Crankshaft: Kudos to Ed for not getting one of those cable channel house flippers. Granite countertops in a doghouse are a money sink which add nothing to resale value. Or so people tell me.
H&L: Dont put Home Movies in this comic, Browne Humor-Adjacent Product Amalgamated. You will not enjoy the comparison.
RMMD: These kids aren’t Bob and Ray yet, but they are more interesting than Rex and June.
@Hibbleton: MW: A “massive coronary event” might be Jeff’s best chance of getting some mouth-on-mouth action from Mary.
What would he have to do for mouth-to-wiener action?
GT- Why use a simple “10-4” when “I read you loud and clear” sounds much cooler…at least that’s what Gil thinks.
Popeye:
Wimpy, Unwanted Dead Or Alive
So does the Bum Boat restaurant serve old-timey homeless people fresh off riding the rails — or ass?
@The Rambling Otter:
They play a lot of video games.
Slylock – The other tipoff was the repeated cries of “LE PEW!”
I would be more than willing to have Weelbur Weston turn up at the meat grinder in Donetsk, but I’d have to rename him to bypass copyright problems. Still, the thought of his next article [“I shouldn’t be alive (and I no longer am!)”] is tempting.
@Activist:
Pranked cont.
– TG: Tina ignores snark
– MtM: Bookworm falls for the illusion! Manrake to is too calm.
GT — When did Milford get transported to West Baltimore? Because I haven’t heard that much chatter about “the 5-O’s” since I rewatched The Wire. . .
DT — I took this to mean that two guys in two different APC’s were attempted to drone each other–you know, like combat IRL. If it’s the beginning of a Robocop-arc in Neo-Chicago–well, you’ve been warned. . .
Mary Worth: I read left to right (like an American), so when Mary said “something something a al mode,” it felt like she was anticipating Dr. Jeff’s comments on his apple pie.
I’d say it was the worst use of precognitive powers ever to grace the comics page, but I’ve read the Mary Worth strips about Olive the Magical Tween, so I know I’d be wrong.
JP: And it’s Pavel Jr., right? Please don’t drag this reveal out all week, I beg you…
RMMD: Again, I wish Beatty a full recovery, but did he insist on continuing to draw the strip and this is the extent of his abilities right now?
@Activist:
#52. Pranked 3
– yBeware of Toddler: anyone else ever have a low-rent apartment and become paranoid of opening a door or drawer?
MW: “Stroll on the Boardwalk, long walk off a short pier, whatever will end this God-awful conversation.”
DtM: “Like a rain dance to make the faucet come on.” Is Dennis talking about Wilson hopping around by the toilet trying to take a leak with a swollen prostate?
Even by soap comic standards, Mary Worth moves at a glacial pace. And yet I can’t look away.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Please keep politics out of this page.
This is what an actual Russian drone control station looks like.
GT: The issue of police officers in public schools has been quite a controversy over the past several years….and now we have ICE/DHS showing up at schools under questionable circumstances (see: Mpls Roosevelt HS with a special surprise appearance by Jesse “the Body” Ventura).
But the unexplained and sudden appearance by an apparently legitimate “New Milford” (WTF?) police officer getting into a rapidly escalating tiff with a staff member (Teacher? Principal? Hall Monitor? Lunch Lady Doris?) and immediately requiring the intervention of Lord God Coach Thorp (Instead of, say, the Superintendent) and Henry’s history has me thinking we’re going to be using the word “ham-fisted” quite a bit this week.
GT: I think we all knew the moment a Spanish-speaking student and her family showed up that we’d be seeing an ICE raid on Milford eventually. Fortunately this isn’t the real world, and deterring them won’t take a sustained multi-level community effort involving mutual aid, alert systems, and brave souls willing to risk imprisonment and even life by directly opposing state enforcers. They don’t even need to bother Dr. Pearl–just call on Gil Thorp, White Male Protagonist, and he will arrive to lecture the neo-Gestapo on how They Are The Baddies, and they’ll slink away with their tails between their legs.
MW: Pie without ice cream? After ordering the grilled seafood platter? What next, will Mary and Jeff stroll the other direction down the boardwalk? Anything is possible with these daredevils!
@UncleJeff: I’m not sure “ham-fisted” will be accurate enough. “Whole-roast-pig-fisted” may be closer to the mark.
MW: Having exhausted all other tactics to get Mary to respond to him, Jeff makes a subtle appeal to Mary’s mothering side by holding his fork like a toddler.
@ECU CHP: I was, thank you very much. I was making a general comment about how trite political commentary on the comics page has become, relative to what was common in the earlier strips I mentioned (and I intentionally left out Doonesbury). This was prompted by two comic strips that regularly receive comment here, and had overtly political jokes today, If Josh has a problem with my comment, he is free to delete it. It’s his blog, not yours.
9CL: There is absolutely no way I am going to comment on how stupid it is that the big hunk can carry a dairy cow under his arm. No way.
@WesC:
You mean that’s a real cow and not a model?
Is Uncle Lumpy all right? I’ve not seen him around in a while.
C’shaft: I’m just surprised Batiuk didn’t use Bob Vila for this.
Dustin: Look, if Mr. Beast can somehow wind up as the head of his own media empire, then Dustin can definitely be a successful radio host. Hell, I’m kind of surprised he doesn’t have his own podcast already.
MT: Look, the ‘Mudges don’t even make boat explosion jokes anymore, you need to quit beating that dead horse.
Pluggers are hoarders.
@Professor Well Actually: I realized something about Jeff: he plays the same role that women usually play in male-centric comic strips. For example, Pam “What Are You Doing, Dad?” Murdock in today’s Crankshaft. Jeff exists to be Mary’s love interest on Mary’s terms, and nothing else. He doesn’t have any opinions of his own, has no relationships with anyone that aren’t driven by Mary, nor will he ever challenge the status quo. (Which makes the whole relationship come off like he’s a closeted gay man, and Mary is his beard.)
JP: “Parker, R.! As the one-millionth customer here at Siberian Prison Camp 15-B, you’ve won an unconditional release and a first-class ticket back home to wherever you came from.”
”Hah! I knew I was going to escape from here somehow!”
@TheDiva: True.
Last Friday’s strip: P1 – Exciting basketball action. P2 – Excited radio announcer. P3 – BOOM BOOM OMG WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?!
Was the cop called to clear the stands? Did we have another time shift?
@TheDiva: Especially considering that Dustin’s mom is apparently a high-end talk show host. There’s no better path to radio success than being the untalented offspring of powerful radio personnel!
She’d have to be at least a station owner to get Dustin’s worthless ass on the air, though. Being a lazy, aimless, disinterested bore doesn’t lend itself to quality talk shows. Which makes me wonder why his mom has one. But that’s because Dustin‘s central theme is “all the things Zoomers fail at are super-easy for boomers.” Even things that are genuinely difficult to do and require signficant effort, like lawyering and talk radio.
MW – Thank you to Mary and Dr. Jeff for illustrating why soap operas don’t typically revolve around asexual, aromantic, geriatric couples.
The most disappointing thing to emerge from modern comics is “CODE-FIVE-O” not meaning, “I’ve spotted a man with magnificent hair reminiscent of Jack Lord’s!” If you’re going to write in a medium that mostly appeals to Boomers, THEN APPEAL TO BOOMERS!
***
For some reason, let’s see what’s happening today in Mary Wor… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
@TheDiva: On Dustin – Having never seen an episode of Mr. Beast and no desire to ever do so, does he regularly whine and beg women for dates and talk about how his family thinks he’s a worthless lump that will never amount to anything?
@Banana Jr. 6000: You know what I’d like to see? Ox saying something along the lines of the following. ‘I know this isn’t a ‘date’ Tiffany, but I’ve been wanting an opportunity to have a word with you in private, away from folks like TJ or Luann, for a long time. I’ve always admired you Tiffany, and up to now I’ve been too shy to say so. Our focus right now is on Dash, but I’d really like to take you on a *real* date sometime soon, if you’d accept.’
But that would take a level of maturity, planning and introspection that the Evansii have proven time and time again that they do not possess.