Cyber Monday
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Lockhorns, 3/16/26
Every once in a while the Lockhorns will deviate from their usual laser focus on Leroy and Loretta’s mutual antagonism and just do a “Ha ha, Leroy is a doofus” panel, and honestly I don’t care for it. At least this one includes Loretta looking at her husband with an expression of absolute despair, as she reflects upon exactly what type of man she chose to spend the balance of her adult life with.
Archie, 3/16/26
I was a pretty obsessive Archie Comics reader as a kid, but nevertheless there are bits of Archieverse lore that I’ve learned from the twentysomething-year-old newspaper strips currently in reruns. I don’t think I knew that Reggie was the editor of the student newspaper, for instance, nor that he was that classic type of late ’90s/early ’00s tech guy who had the skills to create an interactive website in the Web 1.0 era but was also obsessive about online privacy.
Crankshaft, 3/16/26
“Anyway, the one week I did it on the computer was last week, and it turns out computers are amazing. I’m definitely selling this drawing board, for a lot of money!”
65 replies to “Cyber Monday”
Loretta is gonna change her tune when she sees the magic beans Leroy traded for come tumbling out, just you wait!
Archie:
“What’s Reggie’s editorial about?”
“It’s about how we’re pretty much all stuck in the ’50s in this strip, and on how occasional depictions of, and references to, things like laptops are intended to make us appear cool and relevant in real time, but basically fall flat on their face!”
Lockhorns:
There’s so much unrestrained anger and poutiness in today’s strip that I thought for a second there that I might be reading Judge Parker instead.
“But five thousand dollars is nothing! I’ve got a great offer on this table from a fella, he’s moving bags of actual magic beans!”
In a shocking twist, Archie smashes the laptop…and a tiny Reggie emerges. NOW whose strip is boring?!
Leroy doesn’t “twist and shout’ because of back pain. At least in that sense, he’s got a Plugger beat.
Lockhorns: Even the local Chinese takeout place feels compelled to wrap Leroy’s unholy meal order in a plain brown wrapper.
“Yes, every comic strip I’ve ever created is on this drawing board. That is to say, I’ve drawn exactly two comic strips in my career.”
RMMD In case you were wondering how they could make this even more anticlimactic, Mud recognizes Mae Mae and knows she;s a rich actress. There won’t even be a how could you lie to me setup/reveal about the waitress/actress over the next few weeks, folks, settle in for a month of all praise to roots country, all the the time!
RMMD: Oh, okay, so they already know each other’s alter egos. For a second there, I was afraid the intrigue might start.
JP: “Randy! His beard…so tacky.”
RMMD: Oh, so Mud knows Mae Mae is an actress, she’ll just have to trust that he won’t accidentally blurt out the secret – well, her plan to hide out is doomed.
C’SHAFT: OK, after a week of wedding nonsense I was almost wishing for the return of Batton Thomas, now he’s back and I guess with this luck we’ll be seeing another tale of Batom Comics’s times as well.
FG: “We just have to get everyone back together. Including Bok. I trust he’s not being subjected to sexual harassment at the hands of Ming.”
DT: “Don’t pick up any hitchhikers, though we suspect given how dumb a lot of citizens of State are, some of you will do it anyways. Especially if they have weird features.”
Well, today’s Archie explains why Alan is shouting at Bogdan’s phone over in Judge Parker. He thinks Randy can hear him.
LH: In happier times, Loretta used to joke that if she replaced the bread tag with a twist tie, then Leroy would starve to death. Yet now, years later, she can’t even find satisfaction in being proven right.
Poor Leroy isn’t going to get to enjoy his usual STP oil sandwich.
Lockhorns: For the first time we get a view of Leroy’s face as Loretta saw it that one time they had sex. Fifty-eight years of spite suddenly make sense.
Crankshaft: “I mean, it’s so hard to get one hand under a computer desk!”
LHs: I’m not usually one for updating old comic art with new technology, but if they made this strip about a USB drive it would be perfect.
Archie: I love the idea of Reggie imbedding a live video into his article, and then sitting at his desk, perfectly motionless, waiting for one of his schoolmates to make an offhand comment so he could jump in with a wry comment. It naturally wouldn’t work if there were more than one student reading it at a time, but then again the odds of that seems pretty low.
CSh: Ha ha, boy, that is…how the passage of time works. Crazy, isn’t it?
Archie: Just the other day, Apple maps was going to send me the wrong way into a parking lot, against the flow of traffic. I had to stop, pull back out into street, and find the proper entrance. “Siri, you’re a jerk” I muttered. Apparently, it was loud enough that she heard me, because she responded “That’s not nice!” I got a nice little laugh out of that, which is more than I can say for the fully automated Archie strip.
Archie: I think there’s a 60% chance this happens IRL within the next year. Just imagine Jeff Bezos silently watching as you browse the Washington Post, or a Grok-powered Elon Musk avatar leering at you on X. It’s almost too plausible.
Crankshaft: “I used a computer once and I didn’t care for it. Why, I don’t even know the name of one of the most famous shopping websites on the planet!”
FW: Either Batton’s drawing board is sinking or that picture of Dick Tracy rose about three feet between panels.
The Lockhorns: How do you keep a moron occupied all day? Give him a bag of Wonder® Bread closed with a twist tie. My mother used that trick often.
FG: That was fast. All the wreckage and dead bodies cleaned up by sunrise, and the damaged buildings repaired as well. Here on Earth I have trouble finding someone to clean the roof and gutters.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Given how ridiculously and contradictory this contrivance is, I’m starting to believe this plot is really about “Mae Mae” stalking Mud. (Don’t worry: we know from experience that this will still be dull and uninteresting.)
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): Forget Luann! Our boy, Mud is the one who really needs “career counseling.” I mean he has a childhood pal whose a big-time star in the world of entertainment! Hitting her up for connections seemed like it would be a much more lucrative move to advance a career than, say, faux-shitting on stage to become a headliner or (even more degrading) sucking up to Truck.
@Bob Tice: Rex Morgan M.D. Universe: “Our (collective) ears are burning!”
@Bob Tice: No, it’s precisely because you can read their facial expressions that you know it’s not Judge Parker.
Also Archie:
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Family Circlejerk – What darndest things will the melonheads say when they look up and see the mirror on the ceiling?
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Speaking of keeping a moron occupied, was it worth it to code all of that, replacing each and every < with a <? No, no it was not. Was I going to obsess over it until I actually wrote it all out? Yes, yes I was.
Lockhorns – This is just the beginning of Loretta’s plan to drive Leroy insane. After he solves the twist tie, she’ll hand him a Rubik’s cube and then, if necessary, the cryptex from The DaVinci Code.
@Arabella: Well, they’ve got the rails and all that running again, but a lot of Mongosian spackle is probably being deployed at the moment.
JP: Small nit but [notes white irises] shouldn’t blind Alan be shouting “RANDY?!”
FG: Do the citizens of this planet call themselves Mongooses?
The Lockhorns: “Leroy’s hatred for that bag of bread! So pure! That’s all I’ve ever wanted from him! That passion! That fury!
How can I be more like… twist tie?”
MARY WORTH: You know, if it wasn’t for that fact that Mary pinky-swear promised she wouldn’t shamelessly cuckold Jeff in public anymore , I’d swear those longing forlorn looks she keeps giving Hart is because our gal is jealous and wants some of that hot ascot lovin’ for herself (“If you were mine, Hart, I promise, I wouldn’t try to scam you if you sent me large amounts of money like a chump. Just ask Jeff! He’d know!”)
@Lauralot: I guess we’re just going to have to rely on Rene playing “paparazzi” and quickly falling flat on his face when he attempts to extort Mar Mae/Lorna then.
“Anyway, it turns out fleas really like these big antique oak drawing boards and will pay top dollar. They use them for parade grounds, combat exercises, and basic training camps. Not sure why they’re readying themselves for conquest. Also not sure where they’re getting their dollars, but they spend just as good as any other blood-stained buck.”
@Arabella: It’s a world that celebrates 90%-death-rate gladiator sports, they probably have combo street-sweeping/ body-gathering robots in the cities.
I’ve realized what stops me from reading Sally Forth very often is the artist’s inability to draw heads tilting up or down. Just those weird angled C shapes meant to show the eyes looking down (or up, or to the side). It just looks so awful.
So we’re all agreed that “Batton” is just a Tom Batiuk self-insert, right?
***
That website is run on AI. Archie Intimidation, that is.
MW: Mary should worry less about Harv and his internet relationship, and more about the copious amounts of bird shit being flung onto Charterstone by those pigeons masquerading as Sid’s Doves o’ Love.
RMMD: Mae-Mae, all of us back home wondered how a lardass like you managed to break into the movies. At least in country-western music you can be fat and uglier than shit and still make it big. You think Jelly Roll got where he was on his good looks?
CS: “…and if I sell the desk I can make back some of what I lost on unsold copies of ‘the Last Leaf’ and “Lisa’s Story.’ (Long, uncomfortable, pause.) Yeah… my career has kind of sucked, now that I think about it.”
FG: Flash is thinking, “Hey, wasn’t I about to enjoy a cheeseburger before all this shit happened?”
The artist stand-in also fails to mention he has hired someone else to do the drawing for the past 20 years or so.
Slylock: Or the rat grabbed a fork because a angry creature was yelling and pounding on his door. A spoon wouldn’t be a good adlib weapon. Max meanwhile is thinking I hate these calls to the trailer park.
Phantom: It is this ability to pick up the subtle clues that helped push the Colonel to where he is today.
GT: Did Valley Tech change uniforms after the time out / halftime? Weren’t they in some dark uniforms in the first half?
JP: Don’t hog the screen Judge. Let Katherine and Anne watch as well.
THE LOCKHORNS: Dang, I haven’t seen Leroy this frustrated (or Loretta so dead-eyed disdained) since the time he last tried to satisfy her (replace “twist tie” with “clitoris” and you can still keep the caption!)
I agree! Once I got a drawing tablet and got used to drawing on it, I never went back to paper.
Funky Shaft – Is he calling it FleaBay to be clever, or to avoid using a real company in the funny pages?
Because it’s almost as clever as when I call the orange hardware store Home Despot. Which is to say, not clever at all.
R Mae Mae D – Good lord, can we stop fat-bashing this woman? She was thin, she got fat, maybe she was fat before, maybe this is her first foray into fatdom. It doesn’t matter. If you’re using it as a descriptor, fine. Yes, she’s fat. She’s blond. She has a pink ribbon in her hair. None of these are a personality trait or mindset. The fact is, we don’t know anything about what she’s like as a person, except that she doesn’t seem to mind working to cure boredom.
Sincerely,
A Fat Woman With A Lot More Going On Than Her Ample Lady Lumps
FC: Billy notes another mirror in the room opposite the one shown and because of the reflections bouncing back and forth realizes they can see back in time.
“Wait! Fifty years ago we look exactly the same. —I’m scared.”
H&L: A dismayed Lois realizes that fitting too-big Hi to her procrustean couch is easy but where is she going to find a rack for Ditto at this hour.
@2+2=7: Mud is doing pretty well with his “Li’l Fergus” show, IIRC.
Meanwhile at Luann, I’m kind of stunned we’re into the third week of the same storyline.
Lockhorns: Marry a southpaw and you’ll never know which way the tie is twisted. So what’s their excuse?
A&J: No “I Ran” joke from a couple who are the right age to make it? What will they miss out on when Janis goes to the stylist?
Gasoline Alley: Watch out, Walt. Frank Nelson may be a beloved character actor but I don’t want him running my train to heaven. Where’s Eddie “Rochester” Anderson when we need him?
GT: Milford has apparently changed into what must be their lucky black jerseys at halftime.
Someday Slylock Fox will run into a petty criminal who doesn’t add necessary details to an alibi.
@2+2=7: I was going to go with “take off her bloomers” but yours works as well.
JP: Some may say it’s old fashioned but the Bela Lugosi look works well on Alan.
Murky Tail:
“You’re tearing me apart Cherry!”
“…I’m not Cherry…”
“Oh, sorry. I forgot which awful tale I was in.”
Slylock Fox-Reeky answered the door with a fork because it was the closet sharp object he could grab.
RMMD-The writers didn’t want to do ‘Sunset Boulevard’.
MW-And if things don’t go well with H@rvey Mary can always offer him a pet.
FC-And as for the mirror above their bed.
Crankshaft-When you have no ideas for the week just dip into your biography.
C’shaft: Wow, that drawing board should be donated to the Smithsonian! They’ll be glad to auction it off; Lord knows they could use the funding these days.
FG: Meanwhile, Bok is having to listen to an hour long drunken sob story by a vokko inebriated Ming.
CS: Skip, are you ever going to publish this story? That weekly throwaway will be out of business long before you finish.
Dustin: Dustin, have you considered talking to a therapist about this stuff? I mean, you’d still be stuck with someone mean and hateful because that’s the universe you live in, but they would almost certainly be more helpful than your sister.
JP: “Why you so shocked? I tell you Randy is in video. My broken English not that bad, is it?”
MT: Thanks, now I’m going to be hearing all of Cliff’s lines in Tommy Wiesau’s voice.
MW: “…We both know it’s only a matter of time before you come crawling back to me.
Pluggers have advanced melanoma.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Seriously, Truffaut only sat down with Hitchcock for one week, and they actually had interesting things to talk about.
Crankshaft – “This is the actual drawing board where I used to draw this strip, until I outsourced the drawing to a hapless underpaid drudge!”
Archie – I just noticed for the first time that Archie’s thick black eyebrows conspicuously fail to match his hair color. It changes the whole vibe of the strip if Archie has been dyeing his hair red all these years, just to get attention.
Don Abundio, translated:
[Sign: PERFUME]
“Hello! I want to buy a necktie”
“Moron!”
[Sign: NECKTIES]
“Can’t you read?”
@Ukulele Ike: Of course not! It’s “Mongeese”!
Blondie – Your wife asks you for a 7 letter word for “annoyed” while working a Sudoku – that’s a warning sign. You didn’t even know she was working a Sudoku and not a crossword – that’s a death knell. DAGWOOD has 7 letters and is probably the answer.